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Eden

Polyfeels: Jealousy

July 30, 2018 By Eden 6 Comments

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When you’re sitting at home with your heart in your throat and your phone in your hand, you’ve already screwed yourself over: your partner is out with somebody new, and all you’ve planned to do is compulsively check facebook while your jealousy makes you physically ill. It’s one of the worst feelings in the world, and if you’re Poly, you either are or will become intimately familiar with it. In this article, I’m going to talk specifically about jealousy as it relates to people practicing ethical nonmonogamy, otherwise known as polyamory.

Jealousy is one of those emotions that drives archetypal “villain” characters in almost every story, whether it’s the Evil Queen out to get her stepdaughter or an angry ex-lover determined to seek retribution. But in reality, jealousy isn’t exclusive to bad guys…we all feel it from time to time. Mercifully, it’s usually in bite-sized doses. But sometimes, we choke on it.

I never considered myself to be a jealous person, but the first time I saw my girlfriend kissing her other female partner, a twinge of mild annoyance hit me like an involuntary muscle twitch. I didn’t know what it was or why it was happening…I was the most recently integrated partner, after all. I knew about both of my Dominant’s other people, and over the next few months, I would come to genuinely love my metamour in a sincere, ever-evolving fashion. I thought the  jealousy I once felt was starved half-to-death, but I was shocked to discover it lurking in the darker recesses of my heart, very much alive. It came out at weird times, and so I tried to predict it, but it kept not showing up on-schedule. I realized that the jealousy was illogical. There was no external stimuli that could provoke it, although at first I thought there was. The ugly truth settled over me: I wasn’t feeling jealous because my partner/s had done something, I was feeling jealous because I was afraid.

Fear is a powerful motivator, and in my opinion, the root of all jealousy. Because fear is inherently mercurial, my jealousy also felt fickle at the best of times. Once I connected the dots, however, I started to understand how to dismantle my jealousy. Don’t get me wrong…this is still an ongoing battle for me, but it’s one worth fighting because most of the time, I win.

Here are some of the tactics I use when jealousy arises. Hopefully, you’ll find something here that works for you.

Figure out the facts: What’s actually happening right here, right now? I mean, literally make a list of things that are true, not intuited. Compile this fact list because chances are, doing that alone will banish some of your demons.

Realize you are not helpless: Sometimes we convince ourselves that we are powerless in certain situations, but that’s just not true. There is always a choice to be made, and you always have the right to make it. We can’t control every aspect of our lives, but we do have authority over how we behave. Even if it doesn’t feel like much in the moment, that’s saying something.

Admit what you’re afraid of: Oftentimes, the thing we are most terrified of is being abandoned, discarded, or replaced. Loss is attached to some pretty painful emotions, and so it makes sense that most people fear it. Another common poly heartache is managing the division of time between multiple partners, especially if you used to have unlimited access to your lover. Our fears can be based in some pretty harsh realities, but there are still healthy ways to cope with them so that they don’t run your life.

Ask for reassurance: While you should never rely on somebody else to be your all-purpose pacifier when you feel like you aren’t handling your jealousy well, it’s okay to check in with your partner to talk about your fears and what you’re feeling, no matter how irrational you believe your worries to be. Part of living poly is processing tough stuff together. If you aren’t willing to admit out loud that you’re struggling, people are going to make mistakes and feelings are going to get hurt. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to not know why you’re feeling a certain way. Just be honest and gentle, not only with your partner/s, but with yourself.

Know that you are enough: You have been enough since you were born, you are enough right now, and you will always be enough for as long as you live. Nobody can give you that gift: you already have it. It’s not up to your partner to make you believe this is true, and it’s also not within their power to take this away from you. Believe that you are worth it. Know that even if the worst happens and somebody leaves you, you will still be able to lead a life filled with love and joy and great purpose. Breakups are hard, no doubt about that, but they won’t destroy you. Only you can destroy you.

Refocus your energy: Instead of overthinking and fixating on the absence of your partner, fill your life with exciting things that are just for you. Go see a movie, write until your fingers cramp, read a good book, take a long bath, watch a favorite TV show, call a friend, take up a new hobby…whatever it takes to make YOU your main focus instead of your partner and their evening plans.

It’s not about you: The reality is, even in a poly triad where everybody is dating each other, there are three separate relationships going on inside of a fourth mega-relationship. It’s not your burden or your right to monitor somebody else’s relationship. When two people are alone together, it most likely has nothing to do with you. And that’s beautiful, because it gives you the freedom to think about yourself outside of whatever it is they’re doing. Find relief in the fact that you can choose to let it go and move on with your night.

Love is more powerful than fear: I said before that fear is a powerful motivator, but compassion and love are infinitely more powerful. Polyamory by definition means “many loves,” and that’s the real reason that we can triumph in the face of jealousy. No fear will be able to withstand the strength of your love if you choose to call upon it, and through your love, you will start to experience the opposite of jealousy…compersion. You will take joy in your partner/s joy.

At the end of the day, jealousy can feel like a hydra that keeps sprouting new heads, but when you cut it down to size and dissect the fear beneath, it suddenly becomes more manageable. Remember, nobody is immune to jealousy. No matter how intelligent you are, how skilled you are at self-analysis, you will experience jealousy because you are human. Instead of evading it or beating yourself up for feeling it, take out your sword and face it with determination. This is, after all, not a battle between you and your partner/s, but a battle between you and yourself. Polyamory offers demanding challenges like this, but if you face them instead of running away, you will emerge as a stronger, more self-aware individual. The rewards of Poly-love will follow, and they are many. After all, why do you think they call it “poly”?


About the Author

Eden studied Creative Writing and Theater at one of the many Cal State Universities. She is a self-identified poly queer woman who draws on her experiences as a submissive to talk about various issues and hot-topics in the Kink Community. She hopes that her writings will reach other new people in the scene to let them know they are not alone. If you’d like to contact Eden, please feel free to look her up on Fetlife under the handle little_miss_eden.

Tagged With: bdsm, dynamics, Eden, jealousy, kink, nontraditional relationships, polyamory

Why It Broke

June 11, 2018 By Eden 8 Comments

hooper-glory-103Dirk Hooper Professional Photography-http://www.DirkHooper.com

I know now why my marriage was a short one. Time and distance have given me insight. I was naïve; I thought love was solely sacrifice. I thought love was staying even when things weren’t okay. Most of all, I thought that love, once promised, could never be revoked. I truly believed I had no right to renegotiate my relationship. How could I end something that had endured so much? Wasn’t our growing hardship proof that the relationship was strong?

I hadn’t figured out yet that we were trapped in an unnegotiated state of codependence. I hadn’t realized that not only were my needs not being met; neither were hers.

You might be asking yourself, why the hell is she giving me her life story right now? What does this have to do with me? Well…everything, actually.

In the Vanilla World, it’s commonplace to see relationships fail for the same reasons mine did. A lot of things fall to the wayside when you’re trying to live out the “forever and always” fantasy. A healthy marriage was one concept I never got to discuss until it was too late. Ironically, about 1/3 of the people I’ve met in the scene are also divorced, and it got me wondering why. Is it truly coincidence, or is there something more to this?

Three things that killed my marriage were lying by omission, codependency, and fear. I’ve noticed that in the scene, there’s a lot less of these things going on. I mean, it certainly happens, and no relationship is perfect, but being a part of the Kink Community is such a vast improvement. People express themselves without fear of judgement. Polyamory is more commonplace than monogamy, which I find leads to more openness and less jealousy overall. Relationships are directly negotiated, sometimes in contract form. In my opinion, all of these actions/attributes lead to healthier relationships and individuals. In the following paragraphs, I will explain why.

Lying by Omission

Many vanilla relationships have a “sweep it under the rug” attitude that can lead to resentment and dissatisfaction. The refusal to discuss the hard stuff has a damning effect on the relationship. Things go unsaid that need to be said, and secrets start to take root. It may be easier in the short run to conceal feelings of discomfort, resentment, and fear, but the only way for a relationship to healthily work long-term is if all partners are willing to be transparent with each other. In the Kink World, how we play and the type of dynamics we form require extra trust and communication. There’s so much more at risk for us if we make a mistake or treat our partners carelessly (due to a lot of us engaging in more extreme forms of play and relationships that can have serious physical, emotional, and mental consequences if not handled properly). As a result, most BDSM/Kink relationships practice more open communication and negotiation than their vanilla counterparts.

Codependency

Poor boundaries and an unwillingness to take responsibility for your own emotional state equal one horribly codependent relationship. In my opinion, any partnership that doesn’t encourage each person to take responsibility for their own emotional wellbeing is a flawed one. For example, jealousy is often dealt with by one partner placing restrictions on the other. Not only does this erode trust over time, but it also creates tension and irritation that can shatter a brittle relationship. Taking personal responsibility means addressing where those feelings of jealousy come from, and not assigning blame or micromanaging your partner because they arose. Codependency takes many forms-from overly relying on your partner like a crutch to being utterly unwilling to let them lead a life of their own. While the Kink Community is not immune to enmeshment and codependent behavior, because we spend so much time practicing our negotiation skills, there is more opportunity for us to state our needs and to reflect on what’s going on internally. Debriefing after a scene is a perfect example of this behavior. And hey, at the very least, if somebody is micromanaging their partner’s personal life, it was pre-negotiated and consented to (if one is practicing BDSM/Kink healthily and safely of course)!

Fear

True love cannot survive if you are acting out of fear and suspicion. Fear of being abandoned is a huge reason why most people stay in unhealthy situations. Even fear of what your partner might do if you leave can shape whether or not you feel safe stepping away from a harmful relationship. When leaving isn’t on the table anymore…everything else is. Who knows what you’ll have to endure if walking away isn’t an option? It’s a horrible way to lose somebody, and this slow death was what ultimately killed my relationship. It was an act of love when I finally said goodbye. I no longer had to force myself to settle for vanilla sex. I no longer had to be somebody I wasn’t just to make things “work”. That’s the real reason why so many of us in the scene ended up here after a divorce. Fear kept us in the closet. Self-love unlocked the door.

In the end, the reason there are so many people who’ve experienced divorce in the scene is because we are a culture of pioneers who value consent and transparency. It takes a hell of a lot of strength to admit you’re into kink to begin with, and it also takes a hell of a lot of strength to walk away from a relationship that isn’t working anymore. Love shouldn’t be compulsory, ever. It shouldn’t just happen without conversation, and serious commitments need to be looked at very closely before they’re entered into. We might be a group of eccentrics, but we sure know how to communicate. Maybe the Vanilla World should take a page out of our book. Who knows? Maybe then the divorce rate would go down. Until then, for all of you readers out there who’ve been through a vanilla breakup…welcome home. The Kink Community is happy to have you.


About the Author:

Eden studied Creative Writing and Theater at one of the many Cal State Universities. She is a self-identified poly queer woman who draws on her experiences as a submissive to talk about various issues and hot-topics in the Kink Community. She hopes that her writings will reach other new people in the scene to let them know they are not alone. If you’d like to contact Eden, please feel free to look her up on Fetlife under the handle little_miss_eden.

Tagged With: communication, dom, Eden, kink, negotiation, power exchange, sub

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