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education

anniebear Learns to be a Dominatrix

August 28, 2017 By anniebear 3 Comments

A few weeks ago I attended a full weekend, three-day group immersion course on how to become a Dominatrix. The instructors, DommeCraft founder, Simone Justice and co-teacher Mistress Damiana Chi are experienced professional/lifestyle Dominatrices. We could not have been in better hands. If you haven’t heard of DommeCraft, consider it the university level training course for those interested in learning the ins and outs of lifestyle and professional domination. The course includes handouts, homework, live demos, practice demos, feedback, and at the end a graduation with a certificate of completion. If there truly were a legalized, certification course for Domination then DommeCraft would be the leader in the industry.

Damiana Chi and Simone Justice, our instructors for the weekend.
Damiana Chi and Simone Justice, our instructors for the weekend.

I had a lot of nervous feelings in the days leading up to the course. I’ve mostly identified as a submissive and had always been such in my past and current relationships. In the last year or so I’ve been playing around with topping and dominating a few play partners, mostly women. The idea of going to learn from the pros was appealing to me because I thought it would help me gain more confidence and also develop my blossoming skills as a top. My expectations going into the course were completely blown out of the water! While I’d like to divulge every little detail, for the privacy of the other students and also the coursework, I will only cover some of the major highlights.

I arrived at the secret dungeon location on a Friday evening. There was one other attendee already there and we shyly exchanged hellos and a few questions. The dungeon space was amazing. It had everything you would need for a great scene; an open floor plan, high ceilings, bondage equipment and racks. My favorite was a suspended globe shaped cage, perfect for trapping someone inside to prod and tease! Damiana greeted us first and I was slightly intimidated but quickly realized she was an extremely warm and friendly person. In all there were six students. Simone arrived last, in a wheelchair. A sidenote, Simone had recently suffered a broken hip so I thought it was incredible for her to have such dedication and commitment to still come and lead the full weekend class. I’m sure it was extremely exhausting but you would never be able to tell that she had suffered such a terrible injury.

Mistress Simone Justice
Mistress Simone Justice

We quickly got down to business. Simone began the class with everyone introducing themselves. I was surprised at the variety of women in the class. Everyone came from a different background yet managed to have so much in common. It truly was a lovely group of women. Simone lead us through some exercises to familiarize ourselves with each other and to create good energy amongst one another. I’ve never worked in this manner before, but the exercises we did really worked! It made me feel both closer and eager to learn more about the other women. We then sat in a circle and received handouts on the first evening’s lessons. I won’t go into too many details due to the very personal nature of the work we did but suffice it to say it was revolutionary.

The next morning I arrived ready to rock! We dove headfirst into lessons on verbal domination with our partners. We were told that around noon, some demo submissive men would be arriving that we could practice our work on. I was expecting one or two submissives and we would take turns. I was delighted to see that there was more than one submissive per student in the class! This just goes to show the dedication and attention that Simone and Damiana give to providing the best tools in which we could learn. I was extremely nervous to work with actual in the flesh human beings. In the past, I have topped a handful of men and women, but this was an entirely new environment where I would be observed while at the same time practice the lessons. We were given the opportunity to take a submissive through a “preliminary” scene using verbal tactics only. I never realized how much I relied on physical touch. It was definitely a challenge as expressed by some of the other students as well.

We did a recap on how the scenes went and proceeded on to the next lessons. A lot of the specific information we learned is confidential, and only reserved for those in this line of study, however we continued the course with bondage cuffs, collars, leashes, and light impact implements and sensation play. We of course practiced all on our willing submissives, who I think delighted in all of us “baby dommes.” From personal experience, I’ve been a demo bottom before and it is a fun process watching someone discover and explore his or her domination.

Another unique aspect of this workshop was the use of “Goddess work.” I’m unfamiliar with this method, however many of the other students were well acquainted with their Goddesses and which ones they identify with, and requested inclusion of more Goddess elements. Simone changed the class to accommodate and brought in several Goddess statues as well for us to use. As a female Domme, it is important to be able to at least be open to tapping into those who have come before you and the energy derived from not only within but the Goddesses and those around you. I’m still working on grasping these concepts, but it was very powerful.

Day three commenced and was the final and most invigorating day. We observed both Damiana and Simone give full scene demonstrations which was so much fun! They acted as if there were no one else in the room and the intimacy between them and the submissives was incredible. Afterward we got hands on with the demo subs and did a rotation of different implements and domination techniques to try out. Damiana showed us some CBT (cock and ball torture) techniques which included tying up the penis and the balls and then delivering smacks or whatever type of play you wanted to do. I was pretty nervous about this particular technique as it looks super painful. I’ve also never been one to be too handy with rope so the concept never particularly appealed to me. But, I rolled up my sleeves and jumped right in when the time came to try it out! I am pleased to confess that I was able to master the CBT tie quite quickly! Perhaps I have a new calling, haha.

Day three wrapped up very quickly. I missed going to the graduation play party, but I heard it was a fantastic experience to bring together all that we had learned and try out our new skills in a party environment. It was incredible meeting so many wonderful women and also the very dedicated male submissives who assisted. Thank you to Simone and Damiana for a wonderful class. I’m also very eager to attend the “Dommes of DommeCraft” play party, September 2nd, which will have Dominas who have attended past DommeCraft weekend and daylong classes and private lessons with Simone. To join us write Damiana@DamianaChi to apply. Wish me luck!

To find out more about all of the classes offered go to here

Tagged With: class, Damiana Chi, dominatrix, dommecraft, education, Event, mentor, pro Domme, prodom, review, Simone Justice, teacher

What is a Switch?

August 14, 2017 By Jenn Masri 9 Comments

anniebear-doms-email-photo

When someone tells you they identify as a Dominant or Master, submissive or slave – you have a pretty good idea what that means. But how about when someone tells you they’re a switch? Well, it means you need to ask more questions.
I often compare somebody that identifies as a switch to someone who identifies as bisexual. Now, before you get all upset, I understand that sexual orientation and D/s dynamic identifiers have nothing to do with one another. That is not what I compare. Here is what I mean: both identities lay upon a spectrum and there are some similar stereotypes that both groups deal with.

On one hand you can have someone like me – I personally identify as an s-type, however, I have the skills to top and do enjoy it on occasion with a handful of people. So, technically, I can say I’m a switch because I can Top and bottom for play. However, for me, I have no interest in being anyone’s Dominant or being involved in a D/s dynamic with me as the D-type. I won’t say it will never happen because I know better, it’s just not something I am interested in currently. On the other hand you will find people that feel equally Dominant and submissive and may have a partner (or partners) that they switch with – or are in a poly situation where they have one (or more) partner(s) they submit to and another (or others) they are a Dominant to. Some people may flow from one to another – go through phases if you will. Sometimes in their life they feel the need for more submission and at other times feel the need to express more of their Dominant side. Still others may lean more toward one side or another but it’s closer to a 60/40 than someone like me who is closer to 80/20 (or so). The point is that there is a very diverse spectrum when it comes to being a switch. Everyone is different and you just need to ask what it means to them.

Now I would like to address the stereotype that seems to get placed on switches that reminds me of the one placed on those that identify as bisexual. It’s the stereotype that a switch is confused about their identity, going through a phase, or just doesn’t want to commit one way or the other. While these things, of course, can be true for some people – it is not true for most.

Being a switch is just as much who they are as someone who knows they are a D-type or an s-type. I am not confused about what I like. That doesn’t mean it may not change. When I discovered this community I swore I was totally an s-type and would never be able to Top. Eventually I started exploring it because, well, why not? I believe this lifestyle is perfect for self-exploration and growth! So I explored the “Top side” of play. I had always gone to classes to learn how to use implements, etc. to enhance my play as a bottom and learn about it for safety reasons. So once I started to Top I already had some skill. I found I tend to prefer Topping s-type women. I can Top men, however, I usually do that from more of a “service Top” position. It’s not what curls my toes. I don’t know what will develop down the line. Perhaps I will come upon a woman I would like to serve me in some capacity. I try to never say never because none of us really know what the future holds. Does that change (if it were to happen) mean I’m just “going through a phase”? Absolutely not. I still feel my submission pulled from male Dom energy and believe I always will. It’s simply a matter of how my Top side will grow or with whom.

We all have our own story and our own journey. This space allows us to explore and reach in directions we never thought possible. Know thyself and then get to know others. Especially those darn switches! 🙂

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Tagged With: comingout, dynamic, education, roles, switch, Terminology

Raise Your Hand If You are a Sensualist

July 17, 2017 By Mistress Sky 8 Comments

Not everyone is into pain (for pleasure). Not everyone who enjoys kink is into pain. A sensualist is not into pain. There are tens of thousands of sensualist dominants, sensualist submissives, sensualist slaves, and sensualist kinky players out in the wild who know what sensualism is about. Many of those thousands are entangled with the SM part of BDSM waters because it’s all that they know about. Many more will never begin their kink journey because they think that all BDSM activity includes pain. Pain lovers and non-pain lovers are all seeking intense pleasure or fascinating altered states or both but we get there by different paths.

Sensualism and being a sensualist are one end of the BDSM spectrum. Only part of the range is concerned with pain as the avenue to intense pleasure and wonderful altered states of consciousness. Another part of the range is in pursuit of the same goals but without pain in any form.

Sensualism is a commitment to adult play without pain and with an intention of inducing intense pleasure and/or desirable altered states of consciousness. Sensualist refers to the play participant, Top or Bottom, who loves all manner of ways to reach intense pleasure and/or desirable altered states without inducing pain.

Sensual fun is not what makes someone a sensualist. Sensuality is not sensualism. Two different things. Anyone along the BDSM spectrum might burn a scented candle or set the scene with low lighting and soft sheets. Pain lovers can use sensual techniques but that does not make them sensualists. They are sadists and masochists and, sometimes, some of them like to use sensual techniques in their scenes.

Biology or biochemistry, actually, determines whether someone is a no-pain-for-pleasure person. It is helpful to think of kinky people dividing into two categories: the pain seeking group gets a flow of endorphins in the brain that floats them into a higher space. Their brain chemistry is like that. Sensualists have very different wiring. If we feel pain during a scene we are not feeling affection for the Top who delivered the too strong sensation to our bodies. We just feel pain and hurt and maybe distrust for the Top. To a sensualist, pain is just pain. It will never deliver pleasure or anything wonderful to a sensualist’s body/mind.

On the other hand, sensualists are not pain-averse as a characteristic of being a sensualist. They can give pain in a context of consensual play as a matter of choice. A sensualist might top a masochist bottom in order to share a mutually desired experience or result with a play friend. A sensualist bottom might endure pain as a demonstration of his loyalty to his mistress.

Being a sensualist is as lively and fulfilling as any other kink lifestyle. Think of a kink activity. If it can’t be done without pain (cutting, for example) then it is not on a sensualist’s list. If it can be done and it has nothing to do with causing or receiving pain then it is sensualist good. If it is associated with pain but can be controlled away from pain then it can be included on the sensualist list. So, for example, impact play (flogging, caning, whipping, spanking, paddling) is associated with SM and pain but there is no reason why a sensualist Top cannot use impact play in a scene. Their sensualist Bottom would receive light to strong sensations in the body without ever entering the pain range. A sensualist Top would, in this example, explore a range of sensations short of giving pain. Sensualist fun for all.

Sensualists can play nice or they can play right at the edge of pain. Did you know that? A slow, even hair pulling within limits can be sexually stimulating for sensualist Top or a sensualist Bottom. Sensualists can play right at the edge of orgasm and enjoy riding the drug-like high. Look over there. That just might be a contented, sleepy-eyed sensualist curled up inside his mistress’s cage.

Not every kinky person is in to pain. This is good information for every Top who wants to best understand their prospective play partner. Sensualists need to know that they are not alone but rather are a large portion of a strongly diverse BDSM spectrum. We can all appreciate the existence of different paths to reach intense pleasure and/or altered states of consciousness whether you are a pain person or a no-pain person.

Mistress Sky is a tantra practitioner, bondage queen, and hypnotist. Professionally, Sky is a life positive counselor for alternative lifestyles at Gates Counseling. She gives presentations and workshops and writes about Unequal Partnership, the dominance/submission model that she developed over the last ten years.

Tagged With: dominant, education, sensualist, subspace, Terminology

Cause of Triggers During Play

June 25, 2017 By Jenn Masri 4 Comments

frustrated young business man

Triggers are things that should be acknowledged in a relationship and are one of the things we look at especially when we are going to play. This article can’t cover all the specific triggers you may or may not have, however, it will cover what various things can cause a trigger. You can be triggered in a positive way as well – which is lovely and not in need of an article! 🙂 Unfortunately most triggers are discovered because they happen during play. If this happens, whether you continue the scene or not, it is something to discuss and process – and then add to your future negotiations. The following are examples in each category and certainly not an all inclusive list.

TYPE OF IMPLEMENT/PLAY – You may be triggered by a specific implement or type of play. Maybe your punishment as a child was being hit with a belt. For many it’s a fetish and for some with a similar story, they may have turned it around into an enjoyable experience. However, if it creates a bad association for you, then it’s a trigger. Perhaps you were assaulted in the past and now a scene that includes “consensual non-consent” floods you with those awful memories.

POSITIONING – Being tied to a cross may not be a big deal, however, if told to take a spanking in the “diaper” position (basically laying on your back and pulling up your knees, similar to a baby getting a diaper change) you feel humiliated, and not in a sexy way.

PART OF BODY – There may be one or more places on your body that you don’t want touched, exposed or impacted. Sometimes this is because it just makes you angry if it happens and takes you out of your headspace. Sometimes there is a certain body part(s) that is linked to trauma or bad memories, etc.

WORDS – There are words that can trigger negative feelings. I might be really into sexual humiliation, yet if you call me fat or stupid (or the equivalent) I will be triggered. Being called certain titles/names can also be a trigger.

SOUND – The best example for this that I’ve seen is a Veteran having a PTSD response to someone cracking a whip. It could also be something as simple as a specific song.

SMELL – Our sense of smell is largely connected to our memories. You may be triggered by a certain type of cologne/perfume, cleaning products, lotion, etc.

Nothing is silly or unimportant. If it triggers you negatively PLEASE include it when you negotiate your scene. Your Top will appreciate it!

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Tagged With: bdsm, dynamic, education, Journey, scene, Terminology, triggers

Jenn: My First Class in the BDSM Scene

May 1, 2017 By Jenn Masri 1 Comment

buy single tail whip

So one reason I started my weekly BDSM 101 class series is that when I entered the scene I couldn’t find something similar. My intro was thru a friend of a friend who pointed me in the direction of Fetlife. I was going through a divorce, was in my early 30’s and had two young children. I didn’t know anyone in the community – nobody to show me around or introduce me to people. I remember learning to navigate through Fetlife and trying to find any classes or socials (aka munches) that I could find and could get out to. As luck (?) would have it I stumbled upon a class that was offered at a time I could go. It was a class on singletails. (Now do you understand why I use the term “luck” loosely? lol) Keep in mind I just wanted to get out and start exploring – I didn’t really care what the topic was. I hadn’t come across any 101 or beginners classes that were being taught that week. So I decided to go.

The class was being held at Threshold. Funny story – I had already been to Threshold, just had never gone inside. I had driven there for a party but didn’t realize where the entrance was and ended up (after attempting the wrong door) going home. I believe this was before they added the giant “T” to the door, however, I’m not even sure I drove far enough in to see it regardless. For the class I somehow figured it out and went inside.

It was a smaller class – maybe 6-8 people plus the instructor. Unfortunately I can’t remember the instructor’s name. A handful of people seemed to be familiar with the topic, whips in hand, and comfortable in their chairs as we waited for class to begin. I sat next to a young man who seemed to be as equally terrified as I was. For most of the class I sat there, wide-eyed, as I watched the instructor demonstrate how to use the whip to simply catch the bottom’s hair. All the while trying to avoid eye contact with him so that I wasn’t called upon to volunteer. I’m sure he went over other exercises but much of it is a blur now. Until he got to the end of the class and started demonstrating “wrapping”. The only thing I could compare it to was the thought of Indiana Jones throwing his whip to wrap up an enemy and take them down. He asked for a volunteer to demo this “wrapping” technique. Crap – he was looking in our direction, so I did what any kind and thoughtful person would do and nudged the other newbie and encouraged him to volunteer! Lol I told him he had to tell me if it hurt. He agreed to go up. The instructor told him to hold his arms out and wrapped each of his arms. He came back to his seat and assured me there was absolutely no pain. Ok – be brave Jenn – I volunteered to give it a go.

I walked to the center of the room. I was asked to put my arms out to the side just like my new friend before me. He threw the whip and I think I closed my eyes and winced until I realized the whip circled my arms without an ounce of pain. What?! So he asked if he could do it again, but this time around my waist. Sure – I mean no biggie now right? This doesn’t hurt at all! So, with my arms still outstretched to the side, he crouched a little and threw the whip from more of a side angle. It wrapped a couple times around my waist. Then he did something I did not expect. He used the whip that was around me to pull me towards him. Holy moly. I’m sure I blushed. It was so hot! Trust me, it was not the instructor that made it hot (sorry whoever it was!) – it was the entire action of being wrapped up and controlled by this implement that had seemed so scary!

After the instructional part of class was over they set up stations with plastic sheets on the floor and lit candles. Those that were more advanced practiced putting the candles out with their whips. That was amazing and super impressive to sit back and watch.

There were a couple lessons I took away from that first class experience. One, going to classes, no matter the topic, will expose you to new knowledge as well as new people. This is why I encourage the newbies I meet to take any classes they can (mine or others). I remain friends with a couple people that were in that singletail class. Not “terrified dude” – not sure whatever happened to him. Two, implements (any implement) can be used from light to heavy and in so many different ways. I teach in my classes that it’s not the implement you should be concerned with. It’s the person using it – their skill level and intention. To this day the singletail is not at the top of my favorites list – I much prefer thuddy toys. However, I also know that in the right hands it doesn’t have to be scary.

So thank you, nameless instructor man, for the lessons I walked away with that day. I may not remember your name, but I remember the experience.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Tagged With: bdsm classes, Classes, education, getting started, jenn masri, Journey, Los Angeles, newbie

Excerpt: Archetypes, Symbols and the Mythic Psychological Structures of D/s- BDSM

March 20, 2017 By Galen Fous Leave a Comment

This week we are switching gears from our regular erotica to bring you an excerpt from sex educator Galen Fous’s latest book Decoding Your Kink. Enjoy!

I believe a Fetishsexual’s deepest fantasies are shaped from the interplay of erotic plot lines, archetypal personas, and symbolic elements embedded within their sexual psyches. If not yet conscious, these sexual personas and their attendant mythic stories are lurking in the background during our sexual engagements. Bringing these subtle but potent elements into conscious awareness can open us to explosive Erotic intensity, deep-seated emotions, and can ultimately strengthen intimacy and trust between partners.

The challenge can be to acknowledge these deeper, more vivid dimensions of our fantasies. They are often obscured by the shame, fear, or trauma we may have grown up with. No one has ever taught nor encouraged us to look at our sexual expressions with curiosity, hunger, or excitement. Too often the most wild, intense, authentic, and perverse dimensions of our Eros never see the light of day.

To help in this regard, there are certain tools and techniques you can use that support you in discovering and inviting in what is personally authentic and meaningful to your sexual expression.

Before I go into to the details about the mythic, archetypal, symbolic structures of D/s-BDSM, I want to speak further about various techniques to access and how to fully experience them in a healthier, conscious manner.
Learning these techniques, sometimes called ritual practices, can begin to open the internal Erotic pathways you seek to experience. They can help you gain awareness of the physical, emotional, and ecstatic sexual undercurrents within your own experience and with your partners.

These tools, techniques, and practices can bring you into a deeper connection to your intention, embodiment, intimacy, and communication between yourself and a partner. Each of these aspects is critical for the journey into a conscious D/s-BDSM exchange.

Creating a clear intention for your relationship, your life, or a single scene is a very important practice. I view a stated intention as rock solid truth. I know it is true because I created it from an aware place. If I get blown off course to one degree or another, it is my anchor I come back to and begin again.

“My intention is to be as conscious a man as I can be.” Is that true? Yes! Undeniably! An intention describes an ideal state. I know I cannot achieve my intention to perfection. I can only move down the path towards it. There is no perfection to attain, but I can make strides in the direction I am aiming. Having a clear intention allows me to create personally meaningful practices or rituals that support my intention and diminish what resists my intention.
A couple in a D/s relationship could create the mutual intention, for example, to aspire to the highest ideals of their respective positions as Dominant and submissive and bring these qualities to the relationship. They could design practices and protocols that are meaningful to both that support their intention. For example they might establish a protocol to have a respectful, supportive, forthright review of their progress once a month. This creates an opportunity to share experiences and struggles and to renew their individual and shared commitments to each other and their intention. Rituals such as this can be a process that connects each partner to the aspects of character or soul they each aspire to. It can be a most intimate and loving way to share vulnerabilities and deepen bonds.

Rituals are simply tools to focus our attention. They help bring our aspirations to a deeper, consistent awareness. They offer the potential to help us discover and heal reluctant, protective, traumatized unconscious parts of us that may be holding us back or resisting our aspirations.

Developing a practice that encourages honest, vulnerable communication between partners can go a long way towards helping each partner resolve these inner conflicts and bring a sense of empowerment for both.

Some places along this journey to authenticity may inevitably be of a complexity best worked through individually with a skilled facilitator or therapist that understands how to work in these realms of personal inner conflicts.
If my intention as a Dominant is to be in integrity (walking my talk), accountable for my actions, or be a wise leader, I have to be aware of, acknowledge, and examine all aspects of the ways I may not be in integrity, accountable, or in leadership. I need to learn to examine and address the underlying reasons why I may be falling short in these regards.

To better stay on my path, I find it helpful to have personal practices that support me to be more focused and committed to my intention. I have a regular regimen of personal practices to help keep me embodied, present, and engaged with my intention. These consist of various movement, mindfulness, and imaginal techniques. I try to use communication and listening skills that allow vulnerable honesty for both my partner and myself. This encourages us both to own mistakes and make corrections, to apologize, to ask for support or forgiveness when due.

For me, these are lifelong practices. I look at it as being on a journey not seeking the destination. My intentions are ideals that I will never achieve to perfection, but I can keep moving towards them and renew my efforts when I stumble. And while I still stumble often, it is a much smoother path to get back on track with my intention.
These types of practices are generally simple to understand and easy to put into practice. They are meant to be personalized, shaped in a way that makes them meaningful and effective for you. There is no magic in them other than the results produced by consistent practice. The challenge is to remain consistent in one’s personal practices, similar to how one might approach a personal workout regimen.

Another important potential of using ritual techniques or practices is accessing what I call the realm of the sacred, or your own soul.

In my view, something is sacred when it has tangible meaning for me personally. I can feel it, it moves me, it activates strong emotion or bond. What is sacred in my view is entirely personal. It does not come from following dogma or a tradition.

For something to be sacred, it needs to be meaningful to the individual in the present time. It must resonate from a deep place within oneself. Our relationships to our partner’s, children, families, communities, professions, creative passions, aspirations, advocacies, activist efforts, and more can be recognized as sacred vows or bonds for many of us.

Because the sacred is personal, it may be quite different for different people. The sacred can only be experienced through feel-ing tangibly connected physically, emotionally, soulfully, and/or spiritually to another person, experience, practice, aspiration, symbol, or artifact that is personally meaningful. In other words what is sacred is only defined within your own context. But it often merges, as well, with a similar sense and reverence for the sacred within others in the gene pool. This is how tribes are formed.

I believe it sacred to allow everything that is true about myself both dark and light, to have a safe, welcoming place to exist, to be witnessed, encouraged, explored, expressed, honored, healed, and loved in a way that respects the rights and humanity of others. I believe the word I give to others and the agreements I make are sa-cred. I believe following the codes I honor as a man is sacred.

When you understand what is sacred to you, then you can de-velop practices that support your mission and intention within your relationships, and in life.

In the realm of sexuality, I consider it sacred to engage and encourage my desires and those of my partner fully, free of shame, fear, or judgment by others. It is the grandest celebration of our souls to express our sexuality honestly and passionately.

Another important concept to consider is that of a “container.” In a ritual sense, a container is simply a specific space you create to hold a part of your experience you want to focus on. A container can be created within your consciousness or it can be an actual physical space. In the general hubbub and tumult in the “container” of our everyday life, it can be more challenging or even impossible to deeply focus on the things we desire and aspire to. Creating a distinct ritual container, separated from the hub-bub, offers an environment that through its design, intention, and ambiance, allows you to explore things in a more focused, fully present way.

The concept of a container can be used, for instance, for the space where you hold your sexual expression of D/s-BDSM. This “container” is the real physical space you create to contain your sexual explorations, distinct from other spaces in your environment. Depending on how much space you have, you can physically develop your ritual space or container in the moment, or more permanently, in your home. It does not need to be perfect in any way. You want it to feel as “safe” and private as possible. You make the container able to be “sealed” as tightly as possible, so un-necessary or unwanted things or energies don’t “leak” out or in.

You fill it with personally resonant ambience – lighting, aroma, sound, music, and texture that will enliven your senses. These resulting sensations help activate more of your body, bringing your natural presence to your awareness. You can adorn your space with personally sacred objects – things that symbolize your passions, what or who is important to you, what you aspire to, or a memento of a meaningful experience or transition.

These sacred objects/symbols in your ritual space will resonate with corresponding aspects that reside within your unconscious or with your conscious intentions that chose them. This resonance can also bring you to a deeper state of aware aliveness. The right ambiance can help shift you from a scattered, distracted, or anxious state to one that feels more soothed, calm, and aware. You can fill your ritual space with the ambiance that encourages your conscious intention to heal, grow, express, explore, connect, or whatever your intention may be.

All of these ritual tools can help you to be more creative, connected, embodied, and insightful during your sexual excursions into D/s-BDSM play, or to engage in a heartfelt, honest discussion about an important issue with your partner.

There is an important distinction to be made here between the paradoxical way the Dom/sub relationship aspects and BDSM Erotic aspects of this lifestyle operate. Understanding this sublime paradox of the sacred/profane dimensions they represent can allow an exquisite dance between partners.

The D/s side of the paradox holds all the day-to-day inter-actions, negotiations, protocols, agreements, and practical real world considerations for the relationship. This D/s aspect can also represent the protocols and commitments that would allow a mythic, noble, sacred connection between Dominant and submissive to convene.

In this mythic sense the Dom can be aspiring to their personal ideals of the good King/Queen or similar archetype. For thousands of years of human history in the traditional mythic stories of all cultures throughout the world, the archetypal figure of the King/ Queen is universal, as is the servant or devotee.

The mythic heroic stories of a culture and the archetypal personas of King, servant, and numerous others populating the story are like a template drawn from the collective mind. They gave a sacred blueprint for an individual or a culture to follow to be in accord with that time and place. It appears that each human carries versions of these universal, archetypal templates within their own conscious/unconscious structures that are personalized when expressed.

The noble, good King/Queen archetype generally symbolizes a leader who blesses, protects, inspires, is wise, makes clear agreements, holds boundaries cleanly, is in integrity, accountable, just, responsible, and many other qualities.
The submissive, the loyal devotee, the one-in-service archetype represents the powerful ideals of surrender, devotion, obedience, service, selflessness, and more.

In support of these aspirations in the D/s aspect of the relationship, and to symbolize the shared bond between Dom and sub, bestowing a new name/identity on your submissive can be a potent ritual to perform. Renaming can represent an alchemical act of transformation, turning the lead of previous identity into the refined symbolic gold you desire and now possess. It is a meaningful expression of your authority, your domain, your province to choose an identity for your submissive that is most meaningful to you, but more importantly to both of you. The name should come from the inspiration your submissive’s very soul evokes within you. A new identity can also symbolize removal of the mask that one hides behind to protect vulnerable, secreted parts of their sexuality or other aspects of their being. Energetically, this aligns in a similar way with ancient spiritual traditions where a guru gave a new name to a devotee to symbolize the shedding of their old identity.

Many Dominants and submissives in the scene also take on a symbolic name before they are partnered. While this is often for protection of privacy, it also represents some aspect of character or an existing mythic figure they aspire to emulate.

I bestowed the name Angeluna on one of my partners, based on aspects of her being that I experienced. The Angel aspect denotes her qualities as my fierce devoted guardian, the miracle of her sweet presence in my life, and the ephemeral mystery of her spirit. The luna aspect holds many powerful meanings. The moon is the feminine principle that effects the tides and creates the ebb and flow of life. The moon has a dark mysterious side and a light reflective side. The moon waxes and wanes eternally as do the cycles of life and relationship. Angeluna combined brings the sense of spice, the heat and sexual passions of the hot-blooded tribes. A woman on fire, wild and explosive in contrast to her cool-headed moon woman.

There, of course, can be the shadowy counterparts to any name given or other names and qualifiers utilized in the inner chamber of Erotic-BDSM that may annihilate and reduce one’s identity to the basest level.

As in a collaring ceremony, a naming ceremony can be a meaningful ritual that bonds Dominant and submissive together in a deep and meaningful way. Like any ceremony, make it creative and personally relevant to your own way of being, not a formula you read about.

Having the intention to be in my nobility as Dominant to my submissive, brings all the ways I may not be being so noble into closer view as well. The parts of me that withhold, hide, mask, project, or act out unresolved feelings or desires are what I consider my shadows. These shadow parts of me, and their associated behaviors are not consistent with my values and my intended conduct in the day-to-day relationship.

If I show up in my “Tyrant” (shadow of the King), in the day-to-day aspect of the relationship, then I am being out of integrity with my stated code of conduct. If I am projecting something onto my partner that is not about her, that is bringing out my irritation, impatience, aloofness, or harshness, then I am no longer being present or in integrity. Our shadow behaviors are generally designed to protect or deflect attention from some wounded or vulnerable part of our psyche that we have not yet dealt with in a conscious way.

When I am triggered into one of my shadows, I am no longer objectively listening. I am misinterpreting data and weaving it to fit my negative “story” inside. I am unconsciously projecting some past experience that wounded me onto my submissive, in the present situation.

I want to constantly work on myself to heal and resolve my own stuff that I may be bringing into the relationship and not project my issues onto my submissive. I want to have my walk and talk in alignment with my intention to be a noble Dominant.

With mutual and aligned intentions, my submissive and I can both support being in integrity with each other, and with ourselves, and experience this sense of the sacred vows we have made as Dominant and submissive.

Not everyone may be interested in this level of the journey. But if you go very far down this path you will be facing these same conflicts, paradoxes, and old psychological wounds carried since childhood and the shadows around them. It is helpful to be pre-pared to do some form of personal work to deal with your own interior conflicts that might be blocking your path somewhere along the journey.

The profane side of the D/s-BDSM paradox, the Erotic BDSM side, holds all that is dark, taboo, forbidden, painful, cruel, et al. in way that carries a potent Erotic charge for both partners.

To allow for risk aware, pushing-the-edge explorations of these profane energies, the Erotic BDSM aspect can be thought of as being protectively held within the all-encompassing noble codes each partner adheres to in the D/s side of the relationship. These sacred codes of the D/s aspect protect and sustain the soulful, lo-ving, intimacy between D/s couples, and allows them to safely shine light into the dark, forbidden underworld of their edgiest fantasies.

This deep central connection allows the partners to enter the enticing realms of the taboo, the forbidden, into layers of pain, suffering, cruelty, degradation, sadism, and others in a way that does not traumatize the core body, heart, and soul of each, but in fact increases trust, intimacy, and fierce erotic ecstasy.

These two metaphorical and paradoxical aspects of D/s-BDSM are the interior landscapes where you hold, protect and nurture yourself, your submissive and the relationship in ways both Light and Dark.

It is my experience that these two aspects of D/s and BDSM are joined in a way that is paradoxically sacred and profane. Sacred and profane are the yin/yang of D/s and BDSM. Both aspects need to be untangled from each other and allowed separate contexts so that both aspects can fit tightly together, express fully, and not be diminished or inhibited by the other. This can allow them to flow seamlessly back and forth as is right for the moment, with clear negotiation, without confusion or emotional harm.

This why there are the two “containers” required, as I approach it, to hold the moral, ethical, soulful, and spiritual paradox of the sacred (D/s aspects) and profane (Dark Eros/BDSM aspects) of this lifestyle. The two separate, but concentric containers, allow both the sacred and profane energies to coexist together, in their full polarity, in a way that is honoring, safer, more clear, transparent, enriching, and authentic for both.

To use a male Dom/female sub lens, there can be rich and meaningful protocols, ceremonies, and rituals created that connect to your and your submissive’s deepest yearnings. Others can be designed to help resolve your deepest fears and begin healing old psychological wounds. You have the power to create personally meaningful rituals that tangibly feel sacred and soulful. Rituals can be fashioned that are healing, honoring, and empowering to both the Dom and sub. Rituals can also be powerful ways to explore and examine parts of us that have been disowned, unresolved, feared, wounded, and significant insights might be revealed from our unconscious through ritual that were previously flying under the radar.

Embracing a D/s container as a practice for a relationship to develop in is immersing the relationship in a romantic, erotic mythos that exists beyond the relationship. The myth of the noble, regal, powerful, benevolent Lord (King/Master archetype) and the devoted Lover (Devotee/Loyal Servant/Slave archetype) is an elegant “yarn” to weave a relationship with.

There is no adequate expression for me as a Dominant that captures the feeling of being treated with total adoration, humility, and respect by my submissive. Both in the way it feels physically, emotionally and psychically to be held so highly, as well as in my ability to break past my own internal resistance (my shadows and wounds) to receive it.
There is a deep, personal, soulful, physical, emotional, alive connection to this feeling for me, as well as a connection to the collective mythos where these archetypal personas of King/Queen and devotee/one-in-service, and all variations, exist metaphysically.

These mythic stories and personas have been known and used by humans in ritual, and as a mainstay of cultural literature and cosmology, for thousands of years. The universal, collective nature of archetypes and myths has been an integral aspect of all human experience since recorded history, as has been well noted by Carl Jung, Margaret Mead, Joseph Campbell, and many others. These multitudes of major archetypes and mythic symbols and stories are shared in common by diverse cultures all over the world. They are part of the human software already embedded in our unconscious.

We may not pay attention consciously to this symbolic dimension of our experience, but we do respond and resonate to these myths, archetypes, and symbols in ancient or contemporary form, as we do to symbols of all sorts coming from our inner and outer worlds. Think of how the pixels on the two-dimensional surface of a screen in a movie theater can be arranged into symbols and stories that evoke authentic laughter, tears, anger, and other passions.

Each small ritual act you perform, to high-protocol, ritual ceremonies you create with your partner can, by design, be rich in meaning to both. These meaningful, emotionally-charged rituals help your relationship connections approach the mythic level of the physical, romantic, emotional, mental, spiritual embodiment of Dominant and submissive.

Imagine a protocol you create that requires your submissive to kneel upon entering your space. They are instructed (and have agreed) to be naked, adorned only in a leather collar. There is no eye contact allowed. They are to crawl and kneel before you, when given permission, head bowed at your feet, ass up, in silence until given permission to speak.

Consider all that may be going on consciously and unconsciously from this simple yet highly symbolic scenario between Dominant and submissive.

The imposed but voluntary adherence to protocol by the sub-missive entering the Dominant’s realm exactly as instructed is rich in mythos. In this brief scene as Dominant and submissive, we are both immersed in a number of archetypal pairings and counter-parts, dancing together on a number of levels within the psyche.

Embodying and expressing these mythic D/s pairings can strike deep chords that seem to be right from the core of my soul. It is through physical embodiments and gestures that things we feel deeply are expressed. The body is naturally imbued to send and receive these Dominant/submissive signals and physical gestures as part of our instinctive natures.
When I experience this level of surrender from my submissive, I feel beheld in a mythos beyond our personal mythos of D/s. It is a familiar feeling, like I know about this, but not from conscious experience. It feels sacred. It is physically, emotionally, spiritually authentic, real, and tangible. It is rich in symbolic nuance. These meaningful and intentional ritual symbols a D/s couple invoke can activate strong emotional connections within both partners.
First there is the symbolism of the submissive crossing the threshold of her Dominant’s realm (container). The threshold is an important place. It divides the container into what is outside and what is inside. It is a place of choice. It is a place for the submissive to pause, take a breath, and connect deeply with her intention in crossing the threshold. The threshold is a place to invite in what will support the submissive’s intention and exclude what does not. It is a place to be in gratitude for what awaits across the threshold. Here the submissive can do a small ritual meditation protocol – to pause, breathe, get grounded in intention, let go of unnecessary, distracting thought before entering and kneeling.

Witnessing my sub’s impeccable obedience and devotion as she respectfully enters my realm resonates a deep sense of trust within me. Her surrender symbolizes and consequently generates the emotions accordant with being honored through the keeping of agreements, even challenging ones, with grace and style.

There is no resistance. Only devotion and the desire to please are evident in my sub’s body language, crawling to kneel and bow before me. Part of me feels physically and emotionally disarmed, tender, even awed. I feel the tremendous trust my sub displays so vulnerably and a sense of the sacred responsibility that trust implies.
There is the relief, ease, and satisfaction of knowing my sub is surrendered and will not require correction or discipline, won’t act out in a way that disrupts the intoxicating flow and romantic beauty of complete power exchange.
The way her body moves towards me in its crawl evokes an animal nature. This grace of movement and the physical vulnerability of the final ass-up pose, stirs my own animal nature. Some primitive, predatory Eros is in play in my body and soul.

Seeing the shape and pose of my sub’s body at my feet is a powerful, visual symbol of her surrender. It is a classical but profane embodiment of prone devotional gestures, organic to human nature and protocol in temples, churches, monasteries, and castles of the realm for many ages past. The ass arched in sexual submission, offering an invitation, is another potent image. To be treated so reverently, to have my sub totally, vulnerably available for use, nurtures and enlivens my sense of power and control.

My submissive is fully exposed and vulnerable at all levels, at my whim, pleasure, and mercy. I feel appeased. This humble pose by my sub, on the floor before me, represents one in devotion, service, and Eros. This resonates with the counterparts of these aspects within me. I take in the truth that I am worthy of this devotion, that I AM the one above, being elevated, the one being served.

The deepest feeling for me in the acceptance of her offering is one of humility and grace, not inflation. My body, emotions, and soul feel imbued with the birthright of my Dominance.

Many Dominants (myself included) and submissives carry un-resolved parts within the psyche that may be blocking them from more fully experiencing their chosen place in the relationship. Ritual practices I use help me to get closer to allowing more of these powerful emotional and physical feelings to flow into my body and awareness without restraint. This is the experience of being present, authentic, and alive in the truth and intention of the moment.
Making it a conscious practice to pause, breathe, open and receive this offering from your submissive can lead to a deeply satisfying sense of empowerment.

Sometimes it is helpful to notice unconscious, subtle resistances (feelings of shame, unworthiness, past traumas) that limit fully embracing one’s Dominant, submissive, or attendant sexual natures. Depending on the complexity of what resists your intention, professional sex-positive, kink-friendly guidance may be the best choice to resolve some of these conflicts.

My submissive, when bowed in surrender at my feet, also embodies and symbolizes the physical energetic of the beta, or of prey. In the animal world there is a natural point of surrender between predator and prey—a transition where fighting for survival/control by the prey transforms to a physical embodiment of surrender and vulnerability.
The Dominant and submissive are reenacting nature’s ritual of predator/prey and/or alpha/beta mammalian pack rituals. Resistance and the fight have ceased. The “prey” or beta instinctively exposes vulnerable parts of the body. The eyes are cast down. Any physical movements are meek, stripped of all expressions of aggression or challenge. The Dominants’ body language will express this same attitude from their side of the instinctual equation.

How deeply either experience this instinctual psychological state depends on how deeply each has resolved the unconscious restraints in the physical and emotional body. These restraints hold back the natural authentic expression of what is being felt. They are actually the counter embodiments and physical resistance of deep psychological shame and fear, masking and literally holding back the instinctual response.

The instinctual postures expressed in D/s-BDSM are part of our biological, psychological heritage from reptilian forward. The body language gestures conjured from these ancient aspects of the psyche are pre-wired in the autonomic nervous system. Each partner’s body instinctually responds just like any other predator and prey would in nature. It is not thought about. It is instinctual.

In my experience, I can feel these aspects of my evolutionary heritage alive in me. My animal instinctual nature is still an inherent part of me. The symbol of my submissive posed before me rouses this instinct; it feels powerful and sacred to be aware of, and embody, these aspects of my psyche.

These wild, untamed, primitive, instinctual aspects of who we are still reside within us. No matter how civilized we might consider ourselves to be, these instinctual responses in our bodies and unconscious are very much intact and operate in us daily.

The submissive can also represent an object. As Dominant, I have the negotiated power to make my submissive a sacred or pro-fane object.

As a sacred object, I am moved to treat my sub with a certain reverent tenderness. My desire is to bless and protect, while also expecting to be royally served. This is not just some abstract concept in my head. I am connecting emotionally and physically with these inherent archetypal erotic personas.

As a profane object my submissive becomes the symbolic counterpart of my darkest urges. In the realm of Dark Eros, these urges are linked to taboo mythic stories alive in my unconscious that can be called up. The lead characters are paired in a sharply polarized relationship. They can range across a pantheon of potential Fetish pairings such as Daddy or Mommy/daughter or son, teacher/student, rapist/victim, Tyrant Master or Mistress/worthless slave or many other dyads.

One tangible embodiment that I have experienced is the archetypal persona of “Daddy.” It is strongest in me when the counter-part is also alive in my submissive. In one example of this mythos, there is an aspect that transcends the taboo Erotic content. The Daddy’s little girl totally loves and adores him. She knows she needs to be obedient and is eager for Daddy’s love and affection. She gives affection freely and generously. My “Daddy” persona feels drawn right from my soul in a ritual moment like this. I may not shift the core of my energy or embodiment as her Dominant, which would be quite possible to do, but a significant portion of my embodied content may be channeling this Daddy archetype.

Connecting with this “Daddy” part of my psyche is emotionally powerful and enriching. On the one hand, the feeling of tenderness and love evoked is authentic and intense. Who could Daddy love more than his little girl, especially when she is being so devoted, adoring, vulnerable, and pleasing?

The point is, the feelings and experience of the archetypal Daddy/daughter dynamic is authentic in the moment. Even though this embodiment is not intended to be considered true in the reality of everyday life, in the ritual container, both Dominant and submissive can have exquisitely potent experiences of the Daddy/daughter mythos together.
Accessing this Daddy archetype has served at times, as an unanticipated gateway for me to reconnect with my true tenderness and affection. Deep feelings of tenderness and care that I may have been holding back or disconnected from in some way in day-to-day life can flow more readily.

To be clear, I am talking about imaginal ritual archetypal experience only. In absolutely no way am I condoning, real life sexual interactions between parents and children, or any adult and children.

Connecting with these internal archetypal parts of our Erotic psyches in ritual with our partners is a sacred act, as I view it. If done with transparency and intention, there is the potential to transform and resolve ways we may be holding back our deepest feelings for each other. It can help open up emotional blockages and allow deeper levels of emotional intimacy and free expression.

But the tender aspects I can experience as “Daddy” can also shift into the dark taboo edge of Daddy/daughter interaction. This is the Erotic BDSM space where I can embody my tyrant, sadist, predator, and other dark archetypal forces, that thrills into turning my “daughter” into a whore, a rape-toy, a pain slut, and other degrading and inappropriate depictions.

When done in a way that is negotiated clearly, with awareness of emotional, physical, and spiritual safety, the verboten excursions into the dark edges of forbidden desire can offer both partners an experience of exquisitely charged Eros.

Beyond the Daddy/daughter dynamic within the Erotic BDSM realm and with negotiated consent, my submissive can be totally objectified, stripped of rights and entitlements, a target of pain, de-gradation, brutality, and cruelty. Within the safety we have created through our sacred D/s protocols and agreements, I can unleash my own shadowy dark desires as superior, all powerful, ruthless, disdainful, disrespectful, asshole, motherfucking tyrant and any other energies that I carry in me.

It is an astoundingly liberating psychological and emotional experience to allow these dark aspects of my soul to be witnessed and expressed. To shine the light on them, to no longer hold them back, after having regularly regulated and suppressed them in everyday life, offers me an indescribable sense of integration and wholeness.

The fact that my submissive is able to hold space for these shadow parts of me, and even beg for them to be unleashed, leaves me feeling awe at this intimate, taboo level of surrender. So that even in the midst of some cruel rampage upon my sub’s body and persona she is entwined with me in the Light. I am at moments so awed by this paradoxical tenderness I feel for my partner. To be so loved and honored and encouraged to show all of me, even these darkest edges, is the ultimate intimacy.

Another level of symbol and imagery in the scenario I described earlier connects to the carnivorous animal heritage still present in our instinctual body and psyche. Letting your wild, savage, beast hunt, take down, bite into the back of the neck, or overpower activates survival level, eat or be eaten instincts, emotions, and body language. These are a predator’s natural responses to hunger, and the need to dominate its hunting grounds to survive.

To feel these instincts alive in your body and psyche is awakening deep connections and awareness of how complex and layered our experience can be. The wild, primitive, “uncivilized” and predatory responses within our psyche can be consciously exercised/ exorcized in the ritual container of Erotic BDSM.

These inner instinctual explorations can also help bring greater awareness of how we let these shadowy energies loose in the outer world, in many unconscious, non-consensual ways. Understanding and coming to terms with these paradoxical complexities stirring in our inner realities can lead to more transparent communication and potent interactions in our relationships, in our edgiest sexual explorations, and in our interactions in the everyday world.

There is also an important note I want to make clear. Except for the mildest forms, humiliation and degradation are what I consider edge-play. Degradation and humiliation edge-play requires a lot of self-evaluation, communication, trust, and deep connection between the Dominant and submissive. There are real emotional traumas many of us carry around self-worth, intelligence, competence, confidence, body image, and more. These aspects require clear boundaries to be defined to protect their unresolved energies from being released unintentionally.

Humiliation and degradation play is not a place to rush into or take lightly. If you do find areas of consent that feel safe and choose to explore these edgier places, these scenes can carry an intense emotional, physical, sexual catharsis.

One of the keys here is to negotiate clearly about use of language and personifications agreed on in your Erotic BDSM explorations with your partner.

This means inquiring about any language boundaries your partner may want. The areas to get clear about will generally include language around body image, worthiness, intelligence, gender, femininity, race, religion or other.
Some submissives can be wildly turned on by the explicit degrading language invoked in any of these areas. Others will inevitably carry real life experiences of abuse, bullying, or trauma in one of more of these categories. In these cases, certain languaging can easily re-trigger emotionally wounded and sensitive areas for your submissive. These are places to take care and caution.

The intent is to heighten and maximize the Erotic charge through pitch-perfect explicit dialogue, body language, et al., not traumatize and wound your partner emotionally.

You may be surprised at how edgy your partner craves this level of degrading language. It may be very focused on some aspects, but off limits in others. Negotiating this territory with precision can keep you both safe, and open you to the depths of psycho-sexual ecstasy you both crave. Again, a good principle to follow is to start slow and ease into this complex, but compelling terrain. And of course have extensive and explicit negotiations about what is, and what is not, in bounds.

Certain submissives can find intense degradation play a gateway to an intoxicating freedom. There is a blissful transcendent feeling for many, derived from surrendering control of all the efforts generally applied to maintain the ego identity. “My Dom made me do it!” can be a liberating refrain. Letting go of the façade that one often hides behind, and works so hard to maintain, can be a tremendous relief.

Our ego-identity also includes all of the civilized psychological structures in place intended to separate us from our mammalian/ reptilian instinctual identities. We are all so civilized after all!

Descending to a sub-human state opens us to the potent instinctual embodiments of our animal heritage. These fierce physical gestures, primitive vocalizations and emotions of fighting back to exhaustion, defeat, surrender, and acquiescence are leading to an exquisite sense of physical and emotional depletion. This is the paradoxical state of bliss that animal prey are considered to experience when they surrender to being devoured after the fight/flight option has been exhausted. This bliss can be indescribably visceral, and blended with Eros, intoxicating.

Another theme to consider is the barely noted characteristics of the “Sex Creature.” Many, if not all, humans carry this persona as a distinct part of their psychological character. I experience it and have witnessed it in many others as a completely separate persona that lurks in the background of our everyday persona. It has its own POV. It embodies in an entirely different way from our everyday personas. It has its own body language–the way it looks at someone it is revealing itself to, tone of voice, way it speaks, dresses, and all manner of personification. It has been astonishing to witness this transformation in many of my own experiences when the Sex Creature morphs the everyday body. It brings meaning to the shamanic concept of shape-shifting. The life force, the glow, the sheer Erotic invitation evoked by the body brings about a stunning attraction and beauty far beyond the range of the everyday persona.

There are so many treasures to be experienced when we open to the psychological depths of our Erotic experience, far beyond the boundaries of conventional friction sex.

If you feel stirred by any of what you learned here, take that as a sign to begin your own intrepid journey into your Erotic Wilderness and start resolving all that has held you back.

About Galen Fous MTP – Kink Sex Educator, Author, Psychotherapist & Sex Researcher: For nearly two decades, Galen has helped hundreds of men, women and couples in workshops and his private practice who sought to embrace their authentic sexuality, particularly around Kink lifestyle dynamics. He has lectured at Universities and Grad Schools on Conscious Kink practices and the psychology behind D/s-BDSM. Past presentations include DomConLA, The Stockroom; Living in Leather, The Eulenspiegel Society, NYC; The Wet Spot (CSPC), Seattle; The ISTA Conference, Sedona, AZ; and others; Galen is KinkAcademy.com educator He has been active and “out” publicly in the Fetish community since 1998. He is the author of the highly acclaimed book “Decoding Your Kink – Guide to Explore Share and Enjoy Your Wildest Sexual Desires”. An important component of his research into the nature of Fetishsexual and Kink desire is the development of the Discover Your Personal Erotic Myth Survey . This ground-breaking and ongoing research survey with over 2500 participants so far, is the first study that begins to document the mythic archetypal aspects of Fetishsexuality and the mapping of the sexual unconscious. You can take the survey here.

Galen also designed and markets the Tetruss 3 in 1 Portable Dungeon, Suspension Bondage Rig, and Sex Swing to the global Fetish community since 2000.

Tagged With: decoding your kink, education, Galen Faus

Dexx Interviews Sea

January 3, 2017 By Desdemona 1 Comment

man in suit

Dexx: You’re a BDSM speaker and educator, submissive, and active participant in the Austin and DC BDSM communities. You’re proudly contributing to keeping Austin weird, so how is the scene out there?

Sea: Austin has a terrific scene. Lately I’ve spent more of my time in the DC area but I’ve been going back to Austin regularly enough where I’ve kept in touch with it. It has grown and expanded, so many things have happened. There’s something happening every night of the month so we’re grateful for that. I used to help keep it weird by arranging a fetish night and we’d have lots of fun with it. We’d come up with a skit and get all creative. It was like performance art-we felt that was a way to introduce BDSM to some people even outside of it. Performance art is a good medium to do that. So that was my contribution to keeping Austin weird. These days my contribution is more within the kink community. Occasionally I’ve done things like recently I was on a panel about sex and technology and I was representing BDSM. So if a BDSM question came up they would all turn to me and somebody asked what sounding was-all heads turned to me. So I proceed to demonstrate using a pen and a sprite bottle! But beyond that most of my participation has been just within the kink community

What are the notable dungeons or other facilities in Austin?

You know that’s one place where perhaps Austin doesn’t have as much as DC. So we have one place called The Community Place which is a house outside of the city limits so it’s more like a small town area. But that means we’ve got some privacy from the neighbors and that house exists simply to host events, parties, or if somebody wants to have a day of education. There are rooms that have play furniture. So it’s much like a commercial dungeon but it’s in a house. So we have that then there’s also a place called Austin Dungeon which is a location for professional domination but they also host parties. Those are the only two venues we have of that type. But still that’s good. That’s two more than what some of the other cities might have.

And so you spend a lot of time in DC as well. How’s the scene out there?

You know, people are kind of surprised when I say this, I myself was sort of surprised to come to this realization. But I think right now DC has the best scene in the country. And that’s because it has something happening every night of the month and other cities can claim that. It has four to five commercial play spaces of the type like Sanctuary LAX. There are some other cities that can also claim multiple play spaces. I think what really sets it apart is its got six or more weekend conventions a year and a multiple of them are major conventions with a thousand plus people. There are outdoor festivals where we take over an entire private retreat. That brings yet another dimension because now you have all these activities you can do outdoors. Attendees are creating their own events. So there’s a lot happening for people who are living there. I think the east coast corridor where the distance is smaller, that also adds to it because we have people coming in from different cities. And when I say the DC scene I mean the DC metro area nearby; so Baltimore is another major east coast city which is about thirty miles away from DC and the two scenes have a mutually beneficial relationship. People from both of them go to each other’s events. I think one thing that makes the DC area scene that active is that it has a big population pool. It has people who began to set it up years ago so it has had time to mature. There are various other things about it like a greater emphasis on safety and hygiene.

Are there some particular leaders or pioneers in the DC area that have helped push it to become such a great area for the kink scene?

I’m sure there are in general. I appreciate all the people who help make different scenes what they are. I think many cities that have a terrific scene, it usually comes down to a few people who are stepping up and making that effort and channeling everybody’s energies together. There are probably lots of people who deserve credit for this in DC but the first name that comes to mind is Jack McGeorge. He was the founder or one of the founders of Black Rose an organization that’s been around in DC for a while. It has a strong education focus, it used to host a large annual event and I think that some of the DC area groups formed as the DC scene grew and splintered, and some came originally from Black Rose.

How’s the community’s relationship with local government and law enforcement and I suppose combined DC areas?

I have not come across any incidents where there has been any trouble with law enforcement. I do know of one case where we host a happy hour/play party. It’s a happy hour where some play can occur because we pretty much have the entire space and then there are also play parties that happen there. Because that place is usually a bar there were some question of what’s ok what’s not and so the guy who runs that happy hour went to talk to the authorities and got a letter from them that said “hey this is ok” so if anything does happen or an inspector does come he’s got it laminated and he can pull it out. That makes me think the environment there is somewhat open and accepting to it.

There is some concern by participants in that area because there are different types of government security clearances and people to whom they apply are generally more cautious. There was some incident in the past which began to attract the press’s attention and there were some people who were worried about it. A pro domme said in an interview that her clients included people who rubbed elbows with Obama and people were worried that the press would start poking into kink events. I was somewhat new to the DC community at the time so I thought maybe they were overreacting. But sure enough as we were talking about the press at a happy hour; we sort of had a group discussion hey what does this mean for us. So this one guy is talking and we start talking about reporters and this one women gets up, hands him her card and walks out. Turns out she was a reporter. So it looks like they didn’t overreact, maybe I underestimated it a bit. That’s the one thing I can say in that regard, that incident happened but I have not come across any incidents with law enforcement.

That’s great! It seems like certain areas around the country have different issues they face so its good to hear that area is not one of them. I understand you had a pretty conservative upbringing, how did you find your way to BDSM?

I did have a conservative upbringing. I had been aware of my interests since early childhood. I remember liking the Cinderella story. I felt bad for Cinderella but I was kind of intrigued by her cruel stepmother and sisters who beat her and treated her like a servant. Those are my early signs of interest and you can imagine is makes some really interesting childhood games. Captured spy. My writing teachers probably scratched their heads a little but after reading my stories because there were always violent female characters in them. Then when I was older, I had this sense that there were others like me. I wasn’t sure of it but when I was about eleven, my brother, he’s a couple years older than me somehow found some porn magazines and you know how brothers are. He shared them with me. One of them had this special edition on BDSM and it blew my mind. It had everything, a glossary so that’s how I learned what the word fetish meant. It had stories, some hardcore stories, photos, personal ads, so I knew, yes, there are other people like me who are trying to find each other. I’m not a big consumer of porn but that made me interested in porn because I discovered I could find bits about BDSM in it. Eventually through that, through porn I found my way to the internet and eventually learned that there were things happening in my city. I was in Austin at the time and I thought I’d have to go to New York city for something like this. So I was delighted to learn that there was a munch just a few blocks from where I lived. Eventually made my way to a fetish night. It was my very first public event and it’s been great since.

Fantastic. I’ve found that BDSM can be thriving in the most unexpected places. You’ve coordinated and directed music for a number of fetish events, I’m interested to hear your thoughts about how the choice of music can influence a BDSM event or even a scene.

It started with, in the beginning I think my choices were affected by what music I had but in general my approach towards scene music is that I think a dark and sensual sound are appropriate for it. So we would pick things for shows based on the energy they had like if it was a scene where the intensity was increasing, or some type of torture I had a couple of go to songs that had that dark feeling to them. I’d go with a song that had a nice slow sexy sound to it for a scene that was more sensual. Those were some of the influences, and genres that I usually pick from are world fusion and what you might consider gothic industrial. Those are the things I go for the most.

Clearly you’re educated on a number of different topics and I found a few that you teach. Masochism is one you’re pretty well versed in. How would you describe the different types of masochists?

The type of masochism that we most commonly think of in the BDSM community is physical masochism where somebody enjoys physical pain. Then there is a parallel to that which is emotional masochism which somebody likes the parallel element of pain which is emotional. We call it emotional SM. That’s perhaps a loaded term for some people but I think that if we can understand why people like to play with physical pain we can understand why people like to play with emotional pain. Its less intuitive, more edgy, risky but people play with emotional SM, there’s nothing wrong with it, they’re not damaged. Somebody could perhaps be damaged who also plays with emotional SM but it’s not an equivalence. So we’ve got physical SM, we’ve got emotional SM, and then there’s a third type called status masochism. And by status masochism I mean somebody who gets gratification from taking a lesser or inferior status. So forms of that might be where somebody likes to be treated as less than human or like an object and just like in physical masochism you have different degrees of intensity from a bunny flogger to a single tail you can have different degrees of intensity in status masochism.

So, physical masochism, gratification from physical discomfort, emotional masochism, gratification from emotional discomfort, status masochism, gratification from taking a lesser status. Then that’s one dimension. Another dimension that is central to this I call masochist centric masochism. To give an example, let’s start with physical masochism. Somebody who likes to be single tailed because the endorphin rush, chemical flight-that’s what I’m calling a masochist-centric masochism–masochist-centric physical masochism to be complete. Now imagine somebody else who enjoys being single tailed or flogged not because they’re getting the endorphin rush but they’re getting off on the idea that the sadist wants to inflict this. That’s what I call sadist centric physical masochism. Some people say oh that’s like taking pain as a service? Not quite, somebody who’s into sadist centric physical masochism is getting off on the idea. You can imagine somebody that’s not into kink agreeing to accept some kind of pain to please their partner who’s a sadist, that’s taking pain as a service. Sadist centric masochism is getting aroused by the idea that the sadist wants to do this. So the three categories I’ve described, each of them has a masochist centric and sadist centric component so in total there are six types and they’re not mutually exclusive. The way that I think of it is if you imagine that we can rank each of those types of masochism from one to ten, that creates the overall masochistic profile for a masochist, it tells which types of masochism appeal to them.

Alright, so humiliation play for example might be one form of emotional masochism?

When we talk about that we need to talk about two broad types of humiliation, one is about emotional SM and that draws upon emotional masochism. Then the other element for humiliation play is to lower somebody, it is to say hey you’re beneath me or perhaps somebody wants to be shown that and that draws upon status masochism. So humiliation play can be to play with emotional masochism or status masochism. Or both.

And what is it about those types of play that can be so erotic?

I think that with status masochism the different reasons why people are drawn to this will vary across people. I think one powerful motivation is that its sexually arousing for people but its not just that. I think that we have different types of gratifications that add together to create to our response to something and so when we’re doing any kind of BDSM play, D/s play, humiliation play, it can be causing a sexual response, it can be having what you might call a spiritual response and by that I mean where somebody gets into an altered headspace that could be they feel perhaps a calm, its like they’re buzzed and I think that-and I lump those experiences with altered headspace into a spiritual experience. I think different reasons people enjoy this is they’re having different types of gratification coming together that are sexual, that are spiritual, social as in a way of connecting with somebody, feeling intimate. The overall result is they feel good, why they’re feeling good will vary across individuals. All those little things that make them feel good add together.

For any given person who really enjoys humiliation presumably there are still some aspects of humiliation that might be a bad experience for them. Have you encountered that yourself?

Absolutely, so I spoke briefly about two broad types of humiliation play, one of whom draws upon status masochism. I called that D/s humiliation, it’s more about being dominant and submissive rather than causing emotional pain. Another I can call SM humiliation which draws upon emotional SM. That is about causing emotional pain. So my experience lies more towards D/s humiliation and I think that in general more people are comfortable with D/s than SM and the lines that get crossed more commonly occur within the realms of SM humiliation. With D/s humiliation it’s a bit subjective about what’s humiliating and what’s not. I could go through an experience where somebody uses me as furniture. I’m not going to feel any emotional discomfort, I’m going to process that entirely as a mutual consensual expression of dominance and submission. Somebody else might feel that emotional burn doing the same thing feeling what you might associate with humiliation in the everyday world.

Lets talk about coming out about BDSM to people. How would you advise, if somebody was interested in taking that step to tell their friends or family or even their coworkers about it, what would you recommend as a way to do that?

I think that it depends a little bit on the person. Some conversations might be more sensitive than others so for instance telling a parent or a spouse might be more sensitive than perhaps telling a friend where there’s less consequence if the conversation doesn’t go well. If it is a sensitive conversation then other things matter. You want to be more careful about the timing and that they’re not distracted, that they’re in a good state of mind. Pick the right time and place. If it is an example of coming out to family and if you think you’ve got somebody in your family who would be open to it, a one on one conversation with them first would be better because now you’d have an ally versus a bunch of people.

If somebody does respond negatively, this ally can intervene perhaps on your behalf. Then there is conveying the human aspect of it. Saying to someone that the same way you feel happy when somebody loves you, or when somebody holds your hand…that’s how I feel when I do these things. So I want you to know I’m happy. I’m doing this because I’m happy. It’s not crazy, that’s where you can cite studies. It’s not very well understood or widely known but it is one aspect of human sexuality and there are lot of everyday, fully functional people that do this so there’s nothing wrong with it. There’s this great study that came out of Australia and you’ve probably seen all of these University of Sydney warnings that might be related to this study. But basically that study is good for the BDSM community because its conclusion is that people who are into BDSM are no more likely to have suffered abuse or commit abuse, that they are functional people. There’s no greater incidence of dysfunction within the BDSM community.

Would you say in recent years as awareness of BDSM has increased its become easier for people to come out about their kinks?

Absolutely. I like seeing BDSM in films and mainstream stories and videos and celebrities doing it because I think that helps the overall cause. I think there are two things that help; I think of it almost as a vaccination. When somebody is exposed to an idea perhaps from a movie it makes them better prepared for them to encounter a larger dose of it, like if a partner tells them “hey I’m into this” they’ve had that exposure. So I think that the general public being exposed to little doses of this makes it easier for us. And Fifty Shades of Gray gets a lot of criticism for the way it’s written and for the way the dynamic is. It’s not based on a consensual dynamic. It’s a story. Those points may very well be valid. I think still it has helped BDSM in the sense that its furthered that exposure. Michelle Obama was reading the book! So I think it’s also created a bit of an openness. Overall I think it’s helped the BDSM image.

Are you aware of cases where people have been “outted” non-voluntarily by others around them to their friends or family?

Yes, I’ve come across several cases of this happening, hearing people’s account of this happening and the first one that comes to mind is that there is a guy named Sean Gray. He wrote a journal entry about it so this information is openly available. He was at this event called Exxxotica in Dallas which is a general adult sexuality event, a porn event. He is a very accomplished rigger and he was doing rope demos and somebody came and asked hey can I take your photo and he said he preferred not to be photographed. The guy took the photo anyway and it got published in one of the Dallas publications. Shortly after that he got let go from work. But that’s one example. Certainly people he didn’t intend for this information to reach found out about it.

So last subject, one of the topics you talk about is if a partner asks somebody to dominate them, they express that they are submissive and perhaps that person hasn’t encountered that before, what should they do and where do they start?

We can talk about that at two levels, when I do that as a class, I take some of the models for submission and explain it–like the different types of masochism. Telling them that there are different ways people do this. There’s no one way. So if you’re going to be taking on a dominant role, one important step is to figure out how you’re partner is wired and not to go by the stereotype and make assumptions. Uncover, dig deep, have those talks to figure out your partner. Then the other is that if somebody is doing this for their partner they have to find a way to make it fun for themselves otherwise there can be resentment and burn-out that serves neither person. Talking to their partner, perhaps other people. If somebody is new I would encourage them to join some discussion forums where they can asks questions. Those types of discussions whether with your partner or others can also help you understand why this type of play is important to the other person and shift some paradigms.

Generally hitting somebody we may regard as a hostile, unfriendly act so one point to try to convey to people is it’s not the act but the context around it that matters. The example I usually give is if you imagine a man goes and smacks this other man on the head usually that’s going to lead to violence but if I tell you the context is a football field and they’re wearing the same jersey and the guy that hit the other guy was congratulating him for making a big play then the context is now different. It’s a positive act. So similarly the context, the intention is one of good will. So what might otherwise be a hostile act may become a positive act.

Many people in the BDSM community have stories of trying to help get a vanilla partner interested in kink and many of those are ultimately unsuccessful, are you aware of cases where kinky people have been successful at getting an otherwise vanilla person interested in their kink?

You have many cases. And I think that there are different reasons for that. One is that I think an interest in BDSM also falls on a continuum. There are some people that must have it. Some people are take it or leave it. If somebody has a partner who is a take it or leave it type then that is one way it can work. Earlier I talked about how we have different types of gratification: sexual, spiritual, social gratification. So engaging in BDSM can be gratifying for someone. Say we have someone who is not wired for BDSM but doing things we do in BDSM can be gratifying for them in a social or spiritual sense. It’s intimate so they could be accustomed or begin to enjoy it for these reasons. And another way is, it kind of goes along the question of the continuum, it’s related to that. The percent of the population that’s part of organized kink is small. So when I looked at these numbers about two years ago it was less than half of one percent of the US population which was on Fetlife and I think the percent of the population that’s into kink, there are different studies that give different numbers and I think it’s also affected by what is considered the criteria for someone who is into kink. So something like scratching or biting, I think the numbers could be up to 50% but if you look at someone who responds to books like Story of O, that percentage from one study I recall is about 12% in women and 20% in men. So the point is there are a lot more people out in the world who are into this than those who come to the organized kink community. So somebody approaching a seemingly vanilla partner saying “hey what do you think about this,” does have some room for success based on these two points I’ve made. One they might be into it but haven’t actively explored it or they might like it for non sexual reasons. It can happen but still that’s one in five if you go with the 20% so your odds of that happening is not great. Greater odds are four out of five that they are not into BDSM.

Sea has attended events across BDSM, Leather, and Fetish communities for 16 years. He presents at BDSM events nationally with an emphasis on communication and psychology, especially submissives’ psychology.

He serves on Advisory Board for weekend conventions DomCon Los Angeles and DomCon Atlanta. His projects include writing a BDSM column for website fearlesspress.com, speaking at college human sexuality class, visiting vanilla forums to take a tactful stand for BDSM, and providing information to those seeking out BDSM. His past contributions include chairing the Austin chapter of TNG BDSM group for four years. You can learn more about Sea here.

Tagged With: education, masochist, sea, submissive, submissive sea, teacher

Introducing a New Person to BDSM

December 20, 2016 By anniebear 1 Comment

anniebear-doms-email-photo

We’ve written several articles similar to this topic in the past but with the caveat that you were either dating or romantically interested in the new person or perhaps it was a vanilla person you’re trying to convert. This article will cover aspects and ideas for introducing a kinky platonic friend into the scene, something which I’ve had personal experience with multiple times…not that I’m trying to convert every single one of my friends…or maybe I am, hehe 🙂

This is also assuming that you, the reader are a safe, sane, and consensual player-I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt since you’re taking the time to read this helpful article. Whether you’re introducing a male or female (or those who identify as) the concepts will be similar. Then as the person begins to find their way, you can advise them to the best of your knowledge on how they could potentially proceed.

Hypothetically speaking, a friend of yours comes to you seeking advice on BDSM, is interested in it, or wants to come with you to a kink event. How do you proceed? Personally, I like to start with education. Send them some written material that you think is valuable or noteworthy. We have several articles for beginners in the archives of Kink Weekly, specifically Baadmaster’s piece “Where Do I Begin?” Similarly, you can explain everything in person, however this can be both time consuming and unreliable because unless they take notes or have a fantastic memory, they will not have a point of reference to go back to in the event they need some reminders. You can always send them some material and then go over it in person with them if you care to be extra thorough.

Next, you can discuss what their interests may be. Often times they will say they either do not know or only have a very vague reference of what they could be into. They may not even know if they are a Top, bottom, switch or something in between or apart from those labels. In my experience, a true kinkster just “knows” they are into it and are excited to discover new things about themselves. You can help them along by inviting them to specific classes. If you’re lucky enough to live in a well populated BDSM scene, seek out a BDSM 101 class or basics classes on impact play, flogging, anything you can think of just to get them exposed to new kinks. Munches are also a fabulous way for them to meet fellow kinksters and hear what other people have to say. In my experience, BDSM folks are usually happy to discuss ideas with a respectful newbie. If they are “too important” to speak with a new person, then I wouldn’t particularly want my hypothetical new friend to meet that person anyway.

If you feel like you’re still having a hard time helping this person find their way, it’s time to bring in reinforcements! The longer I’m in the scene, the easier it is for me to get a “feel” for which end of the spectrum someone may be. For example, I had a long time friend who I knew was very dominant and when he finally came to me and said he wanted to explore BDSM, I knew exactly where to send him! However, I have a different friend who was unsure at first what she wanted but as I introduced her into the scene and exposed her to more, we both figured out that she was a switch. If you have an inkling of what they might like, you have the experience, and are able to play platonically, offer to do an introductory scene with them. If you do not feel qualified, find a trusted friend who would be interested. Kinksters are selfish (in a good way!) and always happy to play and what a treat to introduce someone new to something we all love so much! A word of caution on this: I’d offer to sit in on the scene if they are playing with a mutual friend. Walk them through a proper negotiation and help them pick out a safe word as well. Newbies can get attached to a partner pretty easily as the endorphins run high, something worth mentioning as well as the dangers of sub drop. If you are an experienced sub, you can still walk your potential Top friend through a scene, especially with the supervision of another Top or Dom.

There are endless options to help a new person find their way. If you still feel very new yourself, find more experienced folks to assist or attend classes together. The important thing is to play smart and be realistic with your newbie about BDSM. Everyone has made a mistake or two (or three) as a newbie, if you’re able to impart your advice and journey, your friend will thank you for it. Thanks to you for looking out for your friend as well!

anniebear is a submissive living with her partner Dexx in Los Angeles. She enjoys writing, modeling for friends, animal rescue, and teaching herself how to cook. You can catch her on Fetlife or Facebook.

Tagged With: education, finding your way, Journey, newbies, where to start?

Dexx Interviews Hudsy Hawn

December 19, 2016 By Desdemona 2 Comments

hudsy hawn

Dexx: You seem to have your hand in quite a lot of different projects and activities in the kink world. You have the Stockroom University and you’re well known for various TV appearances. I’d like to explore how you got into all of this kinky stuff in the first place. When did you first realize that you were kinky?

Hudsy Hawn: I had no idea until I was getting a divorce and I met a Dom by accident on Craigslist. Up until that point, I hadn’t explored it at all except maybe a “who’s your daddy” spanking during vanilla sex. But I had no idea- I’d never even thought about BDSM. I’d seen those pictures of men in chaps or the woman in a comedy movie holding a whip but that was the extent of it. But then I met a man in the middle of the night, literally in the middle of the night at 1am in 2005. And I thought I was going over for a booty call and instead I was ordered to my knees. I crawled around on the floor and drank red wine out of a bowl and my love of kink was born.

That’s great. Did you have some hesitancy at the time or did you just kind of say, “Wow this is fantastic, this is for me!”

I think because I was suffering through a divorce and feeling very lonely, I was kind of acting out with my choices. Looking back I could have been a little more careful. Who I am now, I’m a lot more careful but I think that back then, that’s how it had to happen for me. The element of surprise knocking me over into this world of excitement I never knew about and lucky for me, it was someone who was sane enough to have not turned me off of to it forever.

So now it seems like it’s become a pretty big part of your life. Do you do other stuff as well or is it all kink?

(laughs)Well I had childhood plans to be a singer but then I kind of fell into this world ten years ago. I love it so much because for me its like therapy. It’s a little bit like figuring out what makes someone tick and how you can best get along with your partner through the acts of BDSM and roleplay. Before this I was a hotel supervisor, a special events planner, a cover band singer and musical theatre performer so I’ve kind of taken all of those vanilla jobs and fused them into my high profile BDSM career. I curate events and classes here at The Stockroom Hall. I still love to perform onstage; I enjoy taking my vast knowledge of modern music and creating new outside the box versions of popular tunes. My autobiographical show The Mermaid Diaries: Beneath the Covers is all about my journey from vanilla to kink. I use my own original music and well known covers to tell my story in a way that’s outlandish and different, with a dose of BDSM. I find a way to blend all of my lives and jobs together, if that makes sense.

mermaid diaries

You used to work at The Dominion as a Pro Domme so I’m curious about how you first got into doing that, working on the Pro side?

Once I discovered BDSM, I started going to the clubs and at the clubs I met people, some who were pro and lifestyle and I thought why don’t I try being a pro submissive? I love being submissive so I went in and interviewed and they hired me and that already was five years into my kink journey, back in 2010. I found that I loved it and I loved being around the other women and I loved meeting all of the different people and the clients that were into it. I had a lot of mentors there that helped create who I am today. While I was there I became a switch and discovered that in my personal life I prefer being a switch but now that I’m a grown woman, being a Pro Domme is better for me personally and professionally.

When you were first starting out as a Pro was there a training program to teach you how to be a pro submissive or a Pro Domme or did you have a particular person who mentored you to teach you those skills?

Well, The Dominion or any Dungeon/House is a great place for people to go work and learn BDSM skills. If you want to go learn about protocols and behaviors its best to find a personal mentor and that could be at a dungeon where people work or it could be a personal relationship or a friendship or more. I have been lucky enough to have mentored with a lot of great people. Lady Hillary, Mistresses Snow Mercy and Nikki Rouge, RevMel and many others have taught me a lot about how to be FemDom but then all the relationships I’ve had, men that I’ve been a submissive to or fetish family members I’ve been close to… The Dominion’s Resident Male Dom, Sir Rucifer is also my dearest brother, I love him to death and he’s taught me a lot. My exes have also taught me about what does and doesn’t work in a D/s dynamic. The local community has mentored me more than any one person or place.

Is there much cross over between the people that are paying clients say like at The Dominion and the fetish scene in terms of events like munches, classes, and play parties? Is it the same people or is it distinct crowds?

I find that in my experience people that pay for sessions are people that are private and so you won’t see them out at the clubs whereas the people at the clubs tend to be people who are already together as a couple or are all friends and so to me its been a separate energy. Separate clientele. There’s the clients who pay for it and they keep their life private from everyone, then there’s the people who actually don’t pay for it and just go to the clubs and play with each other. Because they can. That’s not to say that people that pay for sessions are always private, some people are completely out there. I’ll have people come in that do a session with me but I also see them at a Fetish Ball. I’ll say a large percentage is people that don’t take it anywhere else.

Switching over to talking about Stockroom University,what is the Stockroom University all about?

Every Saturday afternoon The Stockroom University is about helping bring kink education to the vanilla mainstream person who is curious and ready to take it to the next level. We want to offer direction in a safe, sane, and consensual way. We try to cater to all class topics and requests and desires, whether it be beginners who want to know how to get started, or to people who have been doing it a while who really want to learn a different angle on what they love. We also provide our space for a lot of sex positive evening events. We have sex educators come in and do their own private events, we’ve had burlesque events, and put on shows. I did my autobiographical show here. With upcoming seminars and fetish film festivals underway, the sky is the limit.

So there are a lot of first timers or beginners coming into the classes?

Sure, I’m seeing a lot of new faces in the year I’ve been here and that makes me really happy because I see that what we’re doing is creating sex positive support and making a difference. People have a safe place to go and then afterwards they get a discount in our Syren Boutique store. So they can actually take what they learned and go buy something and enjoy themselves that same night.

So what kind of topics have you covered so far?

Oh, so many; animal play, shibari, protocols and positions, various panels, (FemDomme,male submissives…) We’ve had transgender panels, love of latex classes, leather and boot blacking instruction, and even instructionals on fisting and rough sex. We always give a disclaimer at the beginnings of these types of classes for obvious reasons. We want to make sure people understand what will be shared before class starts so we have their consent and understanding of content.

So who are you typically pulling in to teach these kinds of classes? Is it people from Los Angeles or all around the country?

We have people from all over. We have repeat educators like Sunny Megatron and Ken Melvoin-Berg who are from the Showtime show Sex with Sunny Megatron. They come in a couple times a year and do amazing classes. Last time they were here they did an edge play class. They’re going to be doing a Halloween class on Hilarious Humiliation. Midori comes in a couple times a year as well. She will be here tomorrow with a class on Rope Dominance. We have a lot of local names in the community like Orpheus Black, Snow Mercy, Danarama, Sir Nik Satanas, Nikki Nefarious and many more. We even had some BDSM erotica authors come in and they did a panel and sold their books, but I’m also open to new instructors contacting me and if their experience and course is right for us, we’d love to have them. We’re open to meeting new people, it’s just a matter of if they have they taught before, and can I see a history of their career so that I make sure I’m protecting our students and our curriculum integrity.

The Stockroom seems to be a pillar of the BDSM community here in LA but I guess the whole country as it seems to be the main supplier of toys.

I’ve heard Our CEO and Founder Joel Tucker tell the story himself how about almost thirty years ago he was a young college kid wanting to be able to flog his girlfriend at the time but he couldn’t afford the expensive toys the local stores were selling. He was like, “Why don’t I do this myself?” He found the materials and he started making product in his apartment and he became so successful, taking mail orders and creating his own catalogue. JT’s Stockroom eventually became The Stockroom and we are still the first original and most successful internet source for Adult Toys.

You touched on this earlier , but have you noticed and increase in BDSM since the Fifty Shades movie came out earlier this year?

Definitely. I’ve noticed a change, an improvement in interest and I’ve noticed that people that come in are people that I haven’t met in the scene, and its even older couples which makes me very happy because I see that they are invigorating their relationships with this. I’ll ask what brought them to this and they’ll say my wife liked the book or I saw the movie and wanted to check out some toys and I was very happy to see that you had some classes because after I buy the toys its like “what do I do with this?!” It’s great to have that option for them.

That’s fantastic! So would you say generally speaking, BDSM is becoming more accepted within society as a result?

I think the books and films on BDSM have helped tremendously and I appreciate that. And I think that it’s just going to get better. I know that the Fifty Shades trilogy is going to milk it a little bit longer and by then I think there will be even more stories coming out about it which will be very supportive. I think the stigma that happens that some in the community dislike is that we’re hurting ourselves or that it’s not consensual or that we had something happen in to us in our childhood. For me there’s nothing like that. It was always just about realizing BDSM helped me connect with my partner. And I liked that and it forced me to focus on things because a lot of times people will be doing missionary and they’ll be looking over your shoulder. You don’t know if it feels good or if they’re into it or if they’re thinking about something else and with BDSM you are forced to connect. Some of the sexiest roleplay I’ve done is just my partner and I staring at each other and we don’t touch each other. You know, it taps into that mental telepathy or something and I think that’s great. That’s definitely something that you need in a good scene.

So The Try Guys video, its had over 3 million views now. It seems like that was a fun project to be involved in.

Yea, its been great! My good friend Steven Aleck asked me to do it. He produced a lot of the Buzzfeed videos. They called me in and he said we just want you to show us the ropes so to speak and I asked, well is this going to be lighthearted or are you just going to make fun of it? Because if you’re going to make fun of it, then I don’t want to make fun of what I love. They said no and I watched their videos and they do everything very respectfully and what makes them so successful is they’re these average guys trying something that isn’t average and allowing the viewer to experience it safely from their computer. That’s why they’re a huge hit. That’s why that video is doing really well. And I don’t read the comments but I think that it’s only helping to have a light hearted attitude about it. They were great fun, it was a really short shoot, and we got to feature some of The Stockroom’s gear. They were also using Love Honey gear, which is the official Fifty Shades of Gray toy. So I was kind of taking turns with both of the different designs and it was a lot of fun.

And you’ve been involved in some other vanilla TV projects like Storage Wars and have you ever any negative reactions from people about BDSM while you’ve been working with people from outside of the kink community?

No, I mean I’ve worked for some very mainstream vanilla companies and I’ve even worked at the happiest place on earth and they all knew about it; my immediate colleagues knew about it. They all thought it was hilarious and would ask me questions and I could see them logging information for later. And I haven’t had any negativity but I think I’ve always just been so open about who I am even before kink that everyone in my life is just used to it. So they just go “Oh that’s just her. Doing that thing again.” I have had some people hint that they preferred it when I was just a singer and I’m like, why not put my kink story into my singing? I think that makes me more interesting. You know that old song from Gypsy, “You gotta get a gimmick” (if you wanna get ahead?) You know kink is an accidental gimmick to my singing career that’s happened so I enjoy using that for all it’s worth. Both are a part of me.

I saw your stage show at at DomCon, it was great and clearly you’re a talented singer and performer. Did you have some prior experience doing theatrical stuff or other stage background?

I started in high school doing musical theater. I did it in college as well. And then the cover band business kind of fell into my lap by accident. So the reason I kind of call the show Beneath the Covers is because I was a cover band singer for fifteen years so I know hundreds of songs in my head and I love taking them and tweaking them and that’s why I use them in the show. That was my bread and butter for years.

Being so well known in the community do find that when you go out and just want to do a play session at a play party that you get mauled with people that all want to say hello?

If only it was that exciting! That picture is very complimentary but that doesn’t really happen. I think the reason it seems that way is because I’ve done some internet and television and being in the right place at the right time. There are so many well known Dom/Domme’s that have done much more than I have that I deeply respect. I just happened to hit at the right moment when BDSM became a mainstream big deal, so I’ve had some success because of that. When I’m out and about I have had some people say hello to me. They know me from Storage Wars or Try Guys or The Real Fifty Shades of Grey. But I’m still just that quiet little girl from Alaska.

And do you have any words of advice for anyone young who wants to get more involved in BDSM or just starting out in the scene as an adult?

I’m considering a way to do something to help y­­­­­­­­­­outh because I’ve had some sex educators and psychologists come to me and tell me that they’re actually doing counseling with high schoolers and their parents about how these kids are playing in private with each other. The parents would rather they speak to a psychologist in that field or someone like me who has an educational series where we can help todays youth understand what this all means and how to do it safely. BDSM books and movies have so many fans now, people like thirteen are finding this online and doing this. And I’m not saying that BDSM is wrong, but whatever happened to being a kid? I think that it’s very important that if anyone wants to get involved whether it’s a teenster or an adult, do your homework, do your research. Don’t just go online and meet up with somebody. I did that and I’ll tell you what, he was sexy at first, but he was completely unskilled and he injured me more than once. And yes, if it weren’t for him I wouldn’t be sitting here talking to you so I’m thankful for my history but I wish my first experience had been with someone who knew what they were doing and had experience dealing with someone elses well being. The best thing any newbie can do is be careful and read books like SM 101 and be a part of different educational series where you learn about safety and consent and not about just getting out there. Education is very important.

Hudsy Hawn is the Head Mistress of Special Events for Stockroom curating classes for Stockroom University and outreach programs for the Los Angeles area. You can read more about Hudsy and contact her here.

Tagged With: bdsm, Classes, comingout, dominant, dominatrix, education, Journey, teacher

The Complete Mentoring Guide

October 17, 2016 By Baadmaster 5 Comments

this week in kink

This article can be filed under “controversial” and “opinion” because it falls into both categories. You can also file it under “important,” because I think it is essential to objectively examine the practice of Dominants placing submissives “under their protection.” Although we have covered the basics in our previous kinkweekly.com article, “What Is A Mentor?”, I thought a more detailed look would be useful – especially to new submissives. As with many BDSM traditions, “mentoring” in this “Fifty Shades” world is disappearing. People are just jumping into Dom/sub relationships. But until the practice totally dies out, I think we should examine it – if only to protect those new subs who might encounter – or seek out – this way of entering the lifestyle.

To recap: let’s define what “under the protection of (the Dominant)” (often called “mentoring”) means. In theory, it is where an experienced Dominant selflessly looks out for and coaches a submissive. In practice, it ranges all the way from honorable, experienced Dom/mes showing newbies the ropes while protecting them from predators (best-case scenario), all the way to conniving Dom/mes using it as a way to quickly become the “de facto Dominant” without any of the responsibilities of a Master/Mistress (worst-case scenario.) Mentoring seems to have no historical basis in BDSM; I cannot find reference to it in “Old Guard” lore or anywhere else. It appears to be an Internet-inspired phenomenon; there are no universal standards.

In its ideal manifestation, mentoring has much to recommend it. An experienced Dominant is the perfect person to guide a newbie through the daunting maze that is BDSM. He/she can show the new submissive the ropes while also screening out potential predators who might seek to take advantage of the newbie’s newness. (That is either a neat phrase or totally lame!) But, life is rarely ideal. For example, let’s say the protector is tasked with screening potential Dom/mes for the submissive. The most experienced Dom/me is neither all-seeing nor all-knowing. I would be more comfortable if the job of screening potential Masters included consulting with the sub rather than screening them unilaterally, which is usually the case.

This practice is just begging to be abused. After all, who is protecting the submissive from the protector? Protection can turn out to be less a teacher/student relationship than a version of “Dom/sub light.” (Of course, if this is what the sub seeks, then this is fine.) Although this is truly an anecdotal observation (I have no hard statistics to back up this claim), it seems that this is especially true in a male Dom/female sub situation. In this “worst-case yet common” scenario, protection is just a way of getting the milk without buying the cow. The insecure Dom is able to take a female sub off the market quickly and become the sub’s sole support system. He quickly becomes the sub’s de-facto Dom – but without the responsibilities.
As with any social system, there are bound to be abuses. So, let’s give newbies a few tips that can help them choose a mentor/protector, should they decide to pick one.

1. Both of your agendas should match. See if your potential mentor has a hidden agenda that is at odds with yours. Is his/her primary motivation your well-being or is there another aspect to it? Often married men, or Doms with alpha slaves, will use protection as a way of rapidly snapping up an additional sub. If this is acceptable to you, this is fine; otherwise, be forewarned. Make sure both of your agendas match. This is probably the most important aspect when picking a protector.

2. Check out the protector’s reputation. Ideally, you should have a “protector protector.” As this is not only silly but also impractical, don’t jump under someone’s protection until you check him/her out. If you meet your “protector” at a local dungeon, ask around (including other subs.) If you met online, find real time people who know him and ask! The keyword is “ask.”

3. Use your “bullshit-detector.” Don’t simply rely on detective work and testimonials alone. Use your bullshit-detector. (If you don’t have one, they are on sale, this week only, on kinkweekly.com.) Does your gut tell you the Dom/me is honorable or is he/she being deceptive? Honesty is everything if you plan to trust someone else with critical decisions. So, trust your instincts – your built-in “bullshit detector.”

4. Look for red flags. If the protector says, “Don’t go on the Internet…resign from kinkweekly.com…don’t talk to this Dom or that Dom…give me all your passwords…I will screen your friends…I will control all your money…I am your sole source of information, etc.” Any one of these, especially anything having to do with your money, is a big red flag.

5. Don’t be desperate. Often the worst abuse comes when a submissive is at an emotional low point and seeks a “protector” to help sort things out. This is a very human need. However, if you are desperate, it might attract predator Doms who can sense your situation. Search with purpose, not with desperation.

6. Mentor should not be making demands. Ideally, a mentor should be there to help you learn or heal, and he/she should not be making demands or asking for control. Unless this is what you want, this should be a red flag.

7. Don’t get bum-rushed. If your potential protector says, “Now,” this is another red flag. True story: I was at a local dungeon with my collared slave and a play partner. Play partner leaves us, checking out the play space; half hour later she comes back and states, “I cannot talk to you anymore, I am under the protection of Lord Bla Bla Bla,” whom she just met. Shortly thereafter, she left the lifestyle in disgust. The world won’t end if you wait a week or two. (Although watching the news, I am not so sure.)

8. Negotiate. Just as you should negotiate a Dom/sub relationship, you should negotiate the rules of protection. Don’t leave it as a vague concept that basically gives the “protector” more influence in your life than even a Dom/me! Be specific – set hard limits and specify where the mentor’s areas of control and/or protection begin and end. For example, many subs want a protector to be with them at BDSM events and parties, so they don’t attend alone. This could be where the protector’s duties begin and end. Or, there could be more. No matter what, obligations and limits should be negotiated.

9. Have fun. As I have stressed over and over again, BDSM should be fun. If your mentor makes the whole process “un fun,” you are losing out. The last thing you need is to make BDSM a chore. (Unless, if course you enjoy not having fun. In which case, disregard this tip!)

Although the concept of mentoring and protection is an admirable one, one should never forget to always be vigilant. Not paranoid, vigilant. I hope these tips will keep you on your toes and, should you seek out a mentor/protector, you will choose wisely!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Tagged With: dominant, domme, education, lifestyle, master, mentor, newbies, submissive

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