education

Common Misconceptions About BDSM

October 10, 2016 By Kim Debron 2 Comments

The world of BDSM is a fascinating and exciting world for those looking in and also for those who are actively involved, but there are some misconceptions about how we live our lives and what kinds of things we do and why. Here are a few of the more common misconceptions:

It’s all about kinky sex:

Contrary to what many folk believe, BDSM, kink, Master/slave, Dominant/submissive or whatever label or definition you can think of, it is not always all about sex and that is probably the most common misconception.

It is true that for a couple in a long term power exchange relationship, sex is normally a part of their dynamic, but it is not always the case. There are Masters and Dominants who own submissives and or slaves, with whom sexual activity is never entered into. For example, the straight Male Master with the bisexual male slave, or the Gay Male Master with the straight female slave, or the straight Male Master who has two girls, one is His collared slave to whom He is also married, the other is a submissive who wears His collar, is owned by Him but lives with her own husband and serves her Master when He requires it, perhaps once a week or more or less.

There are many more combinations for whom sex is not a part of their regular activities, Mistresses often do not have sex with their male slaves. Professional Masters and Mistresses usually do not have sex with their clients.

It’s sick, it’s abuse:

Some of the activities that we practice may seem unusual or weird or “sick” but it is a huge misconception that what we do is abusive.

It isn’t “hitting” or “beating” – it is flogging or spanking or impact play. The sensations created are amazing, it’s like a drug that you just want more and more of. Endorphin release can be a fantastic feeling, and that is why we come back for more.
It is not abuse – consent is the key factor here, if we have consented to the play then it is not abuse, without the consent, it is definitely abuse.

There are lots of activities besides impact play – there is rope, being tied can produce that endorphin rush for both the person being tied and the one doing the tying.

There is needle play, creating beautiful designs using someone’s body as the canvas.

There is wax play, knife play, electrical play, mummification, and the list goes on and on.

Comments about our activities being sick and abusive make most of us quite sad, it is our chosen lifestyle, our chosen activities, things that we like to do, or have done to us.

Comments like that show a closed or uneducated mind, and we do our best to dispel the mystery and the myths surrounding our lifestyle.

Collars are worn all the time:

This is a very common misconception. I am a collared slave; my Master owns me. i do not wear a leather collar all the time, though i have one, more than one actually. My collar has a plate riveted on which says “Property of MJ” and a tag that says “MJ’s girl” it is not always around my neck. I wear a gold chain around my neck and a matching one around my wrist, and i bear two tattoos which are His marks of ownership on my body.
Some slaves do wear collars all the time, there are many different designs, and most of them are lovely.
Some slaves wear chains, necklaces, anklets, bracelets, etc, to denote ownership, some wear rings, some do not wear anything.

Being owned and collared, the feelings come from deep down in your heart, i do not need to wear a collar all the time to know who and what i am, it’s there always, in my heart.
I love my collar and i love wearing it but i do not NEED to wear it, it is the outward symbol of what lies deep within my heart and soul, the knowledge that He owns me, that i am His.

A slave or submissive has no say:

Communication is one of the cornerstones for a successful Power Exchange relationship. There should be a lot of discussion before entering into the relationship and things that should be discussed are rules, consequences of breaking the rules, limits, both hard and soft ones, and a very clear picture of how the relationship will work should be created so both Master and sub know where they stand.

We are allowed to have an opinion, most slaves and submissives i know are not weak little doormats who will not say boo, most of them are strong women or men, who have opinions, who have a voice and will use that voice with confidence. We accept the rules that are made for us, we accept that someone else is in control of our world, but mostly we are allowed to voice an opinion or ask questions if we do not understand.
If my Master asks me to do something that i don’t want to do, or i think i can’t do, then i speak to Him – He listens to my concerns, He never just dismisses me, and i accept His judgement no matter what, because i trust Him to care for me and my needs. If He feels i can do it, then i give it my best shot FOR HIM, and i do that willingly knowing that He would not ask me if it was not right.

Our relationships are really not much different to any other relationship, except for the fact that one is in control and one is not, one is the leader, one is the follower, the leader has accepted responsibility for someone else’s life, the follower has accepted that he or she is NOT the leader, and trusts the other person to take care of his or her life, health, emotional and physical wellbeing.

We all still have to go shopping, pay bills, see family, cope with everyday life.

Serving your Master:

The word “serve” is often misconstrued – many folk think that to serve means to have sex, or give a blow job “on your knees girl and serve me” is a common saying amongst new inexperienced Doms who think that’s what it means to be a Dom.
To serve really means to do your Master’s bidding, to do what He asks you, when He asks you. It is about making your Master’s life easier so you serve, you do what you are told. Serve can mean anything from getting drinks, making a meal, doing dishes, helping at an event, driving the car – anything you do is serving.

All Masters have a harem of girls:

Another misconception is that a Master always has lots of girls like a harem and he sleeps with all of them and they all sleep together and everyone lives together in a house with him as the boss and all the others have a pecking order.
Some Dominants may have more than one, some may have more than two, my Master had 4 submissives when i met Him, i became number 5. But He did not sleep with any of them, and they did not live with Him either.

There are “houses” which exist exactly the way i have described, but it is not the normal way for most of us.

Slaves are kept naked and in chains:

Oh if this were true! I do not know a single slave who is kept naked and chained up unless needed.
I do know slaves who go to bed in chains, or are chained to the bed.
I know slaves that sometimes are required to be naked at home, but not all the time – let’s face it, it is just not practical!

There are probably more misconceptions than just that i have listed here, but these appear to be the most common ones.

As always this is just my own opinion – yours may be different.

Kim Debron, also known as MJ’s girl is a collared slave owned by and married to Master Joe. Living in Ballarat, Australia she
has been writing articles since mid 2004. “Writing has always been a passion of mine and Master saw the potential in my essay, and since then more and more subjects have been researched and written about. With His encouragement i have pursued my dream, and now my writing has been published in Kink-E Magazine (Australia), Kink-E-Zine (America), Triskelion Society (America) and Submissive Voice (America) as well as on various other D/s and M/s resource sites and web pages.”

UPDATE: Five Aspects of BDSM We Forget

September 5, 2016 By anniebear 4 Comments

This is an update of an article I originally wrote back in January 2016. I decided to resurrect it with some new (and some same) info, for your reading pleasure!

While I love the lifestyle and specifically the very active scene in my home town of Los Angeles, there are key elements that are sometimes overlooked or completely forgotten. In an effort to not make this a list of rants, I’ve tried to offer supportive insight and advice for each item. Feel free to elaborate and add onto the list in the comments!

1. Proper introductions. While protocols are often touted as the norm, I often see folks completely ignore proper hellos and introductions leading to incredibly awkward yet avoidable conversation. Perhaps it’s the dungeon atmosphere that makes people nervous or maybe it’s a Dominant that’s too big for his/her britches, but a polite and respectful “Hello my name is Sir Domly McDomerton-it’s a pleasure to meet you” goes a long way. This etiquette flows over onto FetLife messaging as well. Also, don’t forget to introduce your friend/partner/sub/slave to new or old acquaintances as well. This will ease awkwardness and reinforce the dynamic. If your dynamic includes not introducing your slave/submissive/property as part of punishment or perhaps humiliation play, it may be helpful to indicate as such to ease awkwardness. If all else fails, pretend it’s normal vanilla life and treat people like people. Being at a dungeon or even a munch doesn’t fall too far outside of the ability to treat others as you’d want to be treated.

2. Aftercare. I know you’re sick of hearing about it, but this is a super important ending to almost every scene. Pretend like the scene is a gift and the aftercare is wrapping up the entire package in a nice, clean bow. Maybe you don’t feel like you’ll ever need aftercare, at least check in with the other person for a polite thank you and “how do you feel.” It’s better to be the person who asked about aftercare needs as it shows maturity and experience in the lifestyle. Don’t forget that some Dom/mes may need or want aftercare too. Return the favor!

3. Attending classes. There are enough know-it-alls in the world, please do not fall prey to being one of them. You know the type-they know everything there is from flogging to hook suspension and beyond. While it’s all good and well to be confident, it’s even more important to be well balanced, safe, and educated in your “craft”-for lack of a better word. This goes for both Dominants and submissives. Submissives may feel like they just need a good Dom/me to teach them everything. Be proactive. Being educated is your best protection against injury and avoiding predators in the lifestyle. Most Dom/mes of quality will find your education in the lifestyle an asset rather than a hindrance. In my opinion, if a Dom/me ever tries to stop you from attending classes or educational opportunities, you should run the other direction.

4. Balance. I have personally found that there needs to be balance with BDSM vs. vanilla activities. I learned this early on from my first ever play partner. At the time, I didn’t understand it because I was new and wanted to experience everything to do with kink right then and there. I had the fever, so to speak. Now that I’ve grown from that and have many more experiences under my belt, I actually enjoy vanilla activities equal to, if not more than the BDSM ones. There are a few friends of mine who, like myself are lifestylers, but they have somehow lost the social grace to act appropriately in vanilla public- things like inappropriate touching or talking loudly about kink activities in mixed company. Remember, while you’re kink is your life and expression, much like a religious fanatic it is not your “right” to force your lifestyle on someone else or make people feel uncomfortable around you. This not only further damages the impression vanilla folks have about BDSM but it also alienates you from making potential connections and educating people about kink. You’re an ambassador of the lifestyle whether you like it or not. However I do have to admit it’s often fun making mundane vanilla activities kinky. Use your imagination and discretion 😉

5. This leads me too…taking a break. It happens to the most experienced lifestylers. Sometimes you just want to hide out in your house for an entire weekend instead of attending a play party every night. Maybe you are over taxed from work and simply cannot commit to a munch a week. This is ok and does not make you any less of a player in the community. Your kink is what you make it and that includes setting boundaries for your personal time. From a safety point of view, if you’re a heavy player or someone that plays often, you should allow yourself time to heal and not just for a few days in between. Make sure to assess your health and be honest about potential long term damage.

6. Having a variety of friends. This can mean a lot of things. Of course everyone has a large circle of acquaintances. Recently, Dexx and I realized we were often spending time with the same people over and over. We love these people and the group dynamic is fun when we get together. What’s wrong with that you may ask? We should all endeavor to keep our scope, skillsets, and opinions broad, informed, and well rounded. It’s not that we will stop seeing our favorite people, we’ll simply add new folks into the mix. Going to classes helps in this regard as well. Another approach is to attend play parties outside of your regularly scheduled events. I’m a voyeur. I love watching a great dynamic play. I identify as a submissive but I bet could learn a thing or two from attending a FemDom party-and guess what?! I did! I attended Women in Charge of Kink, a Female Dom/male submissive dynamic party and it was a total blast. I spoke with a ton of wonderful women and met some charming men as well. I’ve even continued the conversation on this type of dynamic since the party.

If the concept of opening up your circle of friends sounds distasteful or uncomfortable, I urge you to give it a shot. It’s good to feel uncomfortable every once in a while.

Writer, model, babygirl, submissive. After trying vanilla relationships one time too many, anniebear finally realized her submissive desires and discovered the BDSM community. When not writing for Kink Weekly, she enjoys spankings and being tied with rope.

Psychology of BDSM Players

September 5, 2016 By Jenn Masri 4 Comments

When Fifty Shades of Grey came out it quickly became a book surrounded by controversy. To a majority of mainstream readers it was a titillating adventure filled with concepts that were foreign and sex that was taboo. To most of us in the BDSM world it was, at best, a trashy romance novel. However, there are some pros and cons to the book series and movie.

What did they get right?

Well, they pointed out a few things that can be a part of a D/s relationship. Things like negotiation, consent, use of safewords and contracts. Now, obviously this was a work of fiction and for them to go into the real details of these things would have probably bored the reader/moviegoer. However, at least they were touched upon in some way.

What did they get wrong?

One of the biggest things to jump out at me as I read the three book series was how the main character, Christian Grey, was depicted as the product of childhood abuse and the implication that it was the abuse that lead him down the path of BDSM. There is a huge stereotype that those of us into kink or BDSM are somehow damaged or are a product of physical and/or psychological abuse. The books are feeding right into this misconception.
Research has actually shown that folks into BDSM are not only healthy and no more likely to have suffered child abuse or sexual trauma than anyone else, but they are often (or in certain areas) healthier than mainstream society!

BDSMers that have undergone studies actually test somewhat less neurotic than others. They are also shown to be slightly more conscientious, more extroverted, and (not surprisingly) more open to new experiences.
As more studies are conducted, there is a growing amount of evidence that those who practice BDSM should NOT be associated with inadequate development due to trauma or other reasons. This should be viewed more as a lifestyle and/or recreation than an expression of psychopathological processes.

In addition, there have been studies that prove that BDSM play actually decreases stress hormones. So it’s actually good for your emotional well being – along with increasing a sense of intimacy with your partner.
So with that, take Fifty Shades as it’s meant to be – a romance novel/series. If you enjoyed reading it – wonderful. Just don’t generalize Christian Grey’s history of child abuse to BDSM practitioners in general. BDSM isn’t about abuse – it is simply another way consenting adults live their life, express themselves, and/or enjoy one another.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

What is a mentor?

June 20, 2016 By Baadmaster 4 Comments

This article was one I had not planned to write. It really is not a fun topic; it is kind of dull and boring. Short of telling “this mentor walks into a bar” jokes, I cannot really make it interesting. Since my aim has always been to be fun to read, writing an article about mentors seems about as exciting as writing about great moments in hubcap history. But since this information is really needed — especially by those new to the lifestyle — I am going to attempt it anyway.

What exactly is a “mentor”? A “mentor” in the BDSM lifestyle has the same definition as that in the vanilla world: a guide, a teacher, an advisor, a protector, friend, an experienced source of lifestyle information and a protector. They are mostly Dom/mes who mentor new submissives (“newbies”), although Dom/mes can be mentored too.

As I have stressed many times, the more knowledge you accumulate in this lifestyle, the more enjoyable your journey will be. One way to gather this knowledge is to read all the articles here on kinkweekly.com. Another way is to meet an experienced guide/teacher – a “mentor” – who can help steer you around the pitfalls that you will encounter along the way. After all, the more you learn about this subject, the better able you are to know what you are seeking; you will become skilled at weeding out those people who are just in this for a “quickie.” (Yes, there are some of those!)

The problem that I have seen recently is that there is no shortage of unqualified people who wish to “mentor”a newbie submissive. Many want to become their confidant – and use it as a sneaky way to control a submissive. And this is a problem. For while a submissive might screen a prospective Dom/me nine ways to Sunday, he/she might simply accept some “mentor’s” claim of five years in the lifestyle without question. “He’s only a mentor” can be the reasoning here. But herein lies a danger – because a bad mentor can be a source of misinformation and a waste of time. Or even turn you off to the lifestyle.

I suggest screening a “mentor” with the same care as one would screen a prospective Dominant. Ask around and see if there are any lies or inconsistencies in his/her story. Look for “Red Flags” – for example if the mentor makes quick demands on a submissive. If the mentor immediately demands to screen all prospective Doms—red flag! Or if the mentor insists that all mail and messages go through him or her – red flag! Basically when you see any quick demand for an unwarranted amount of control – ditch his or her ass!

Keep in mind a mentor is a teacher, a confidant, a friend – not a Dom/me in disguise. That is disingenuous, dangerous and wrong.

Personally, I have met very few good mentors. Those few mentors that meet my standards are actually reputable Masters/Mistressses with slaves; they love to share their knowledge of the lifestyle and thus they mentor selected newbies who are referred to him.

I cannot personally mentor all of you who need a mentor; but I can help you with answers to some of your most pressing questions. Just e-mail me here at kinkweekly.com and I will try to help (or “mentor”) you.

Enough of the dull, albeit important, stuff. It is now time you to read one of my entertaining articles!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

anniebear Interviews Mir of Wicked Grounds

June 13, 2016 By anniebear 1 Comment

anniebear: You own Wicked Grounds, a kinky coffee shop in San Francisco?

Mir: Yes, currently I am the sole owner. I took over entirely in January of this year.

Congratulations!

Thank you! Wicked Grounds was founded by Psycho Kitty in 2009 and we’re trying to keep it a vibrant community. I’ve now been an owner for two years.

Great, luckily enough I’ve been able to visit your location there. So what would you say your mission is?

We are a space for coffee, kink, and community. We put a huge focus on building community in the BDSM organization, to create a link between the different BDSM organizations in San Francisco and beyond and also doing a lot of kink education. We have an entire Kink 101 series. We bring in educators from around the country and really try to create an environment where people can talk about all of the issues and fun the local community has to offer.

Excellent! I know San Francisco has a pretty free and open kink community there with Kink.com and the Folsom Street Fair. Have you personally ever received any negativity or backlash from either the neighborhood or individuals?

Generally no. We’re really lucky in San Francisco. You’re absolutely right. Folsom Street Fair in particular is not just for the kink community but is something the city at large loves as a “that’s only in San Francisco” thing. We here at Wicked Grounds have enormous support from people who are local to the neighborhood who want to honor the spirit of this neighborhood as the Leather District but may not themselves be kinky. I think vey rarely we’ll have a bit of backlash. I’ve been going back and forth with this church that’s been trying to get at us for years and it just never works.

Good luck, right?

(Laughs) We’re just in a beautiful little hub here. Within a one block walk of my shop we have two other leather businesses right in the neighborhood, we’re within walking distance of two of San Francisco’s play spaces, the folks from Folsom Street events now have their offices directly upstairs from us. So we have a little micro neighborhood that’s really holding down the heart of the old Leather District.

That’s amazing, you guys are so lucky to have that and be right in the middle of it all!

We really are and I think a lot of us that are still here, we know the history of this neighborhood and Folsom and its important to us to preserve that legacy. It’s bigger than Wicked Grounds, its bigger than Mr. S (a leather store) it’s all of us together.

So it sounds like you all must collaborate on different things, classes and such?

A fair amount. My goal is to create a space where the various sub -groups on the local kink community can cross-pollinate. So if I get the straight groups, gay groups, leather, pet players and age players, etc. all together than I’ve done my job.

Sounds good to me, I’m on board! It’s a tall order, I’m sure. I know there’s been a lot of news recently about the Kink.com Armory obtaining a permit to hold concerts in their space. Have you heard much about that?

Yes, I try to keep up with it and I admire how much they’re engaged in a larger mission to be part of the local arts community not just in terms of having the videos but making The Armory available for tours. They’ve started a lot more education through Kink University. In a real way when you think about creating a performance space within The Armory it really helps to normalize the role of kink.com and BDSM in the local community. I look at that and I see that Kink.com is clearly giving back to San Francisco in a way that is meaningful.

On the same vein of normalizing kink as it were, where would you like to see the future of kink and the lifestyle and BDSM go?

Well, it’s an interesting question. I’m queer myself and I came out as queer in the Reagan era. The very idea that we would see the progress in my lifetime that we have is astounding even though clearly there’s a huge battle left to be fought. When I was cutting my kinky queer teeth as a thirteen year old in rural Arizona, I already knew about the kinky scene in San Francisco. I knew there was a community here. By the time I was in my early twenties I knew about the leather community and it was a lifeline to me just to know that things like this existed, it really kept me going during some very hard times in my coming out process. What I’d like to see is that over time people of whatever safe, sane, and consensual persuasion can come to greater and greater self acceptance. That people can be free to be themselves and all their parts. At the end of the day that’s my mission is to make it truly ok for everyone who walks through these doors to feel like they can be themselves. I don’t think that kink will ever be “normal,” and I’m doing air quotes here, in the same way that LGBTQ is never going to be the norm in the sense of being the majority. I don’t feel a need to do that. I don’t feel a need to dumb ourselves down but I do want to create a conversation with the wider culture that says our kink is not your kink and that’s ok. There can be spaces for us to do what we do. There can be spaces for things like the Folsom Street Fair and that can be part of the broader cultural conversation.

Got it. On a personal note besides all of the things you’ve just said, what other things interest you in the lifestyle?

For me personally I’m a huge rope nerd. I have been for years. I am also fascinated by the fact that I get to witness a very rapid evolution of kink culture. I’m just watching something that was formerly nuanced, in D/s, M/s and all the myriad ways we can express power dynamics and I just find that fascinating. The psychology of BDSM and D/s fascinates me.

It sure is. My partner Dexx says, and I tease him for saying it a bit, but he says “we’re in a BDSM renaissance, I can’t believe it we’re right in the middle of it.”

Well I think it’s very true. Lately I’ve been doing a lot of recommending Raven Kaldara books because I think what Raven is doing in particular and a lot of other authors are doing as well is looking at the interesting infrastructure of where one piece of the kink puzzle fits up against something else. So, for Raven that might be the intersection of poly and kink or trans and kink or physical disabilities and kink. I actually find that so interesting that we’re at a point where you have sections that are that nuanced. And yes, I think your partner is right we’re in a renaissance right now.

In terms of rope, you’re a rigger?

Yes predominantly, I used to do quite a bit of self-suspension and a fair amount of rope bottoming about ten years ago but almost entirely a rigger these days.

Excellent! That’s great! We don’t meet enough female riggers these days so I’m always happy to meet one.

Yes I’m very lucky in San Francisco to have an active Hitchin’ Bitches group of female riggers and lately a few months ago a self suspenders munch got started at Wicked Grounds. They use our suspension points and do some amazing things.

That’s so fun to hear. I know the illusive female rigger does exist here in LA but I’ve only met a handful so far.

Yes, we’re not extinct yet! (Laughs)

You’re just getting started I would suspect. And one last question, what advice would you give to someone who is just starting out in their journey in the lifestyle?

Probably to just meet as many people as you can and see what’s out there. When I’m teaching negotiation classes in particular and its very true, the stuff I was really excited about fifteen years ago I’m probably still excited about now. The stuff I was indifferent to I’m probably still indifferent to, and the things that scared the heck out of me I’m probably really into now! Just pay attention to that and not rush it. Know what’s out there and own all of your reactions through a wide variety and listen to that small voice within yourself that says when you’re interested.

I hope people come through and visit when they’re in San Francisco and check out our events. We’re hosting about 45 different events every month now. Everything form classes and munches to get togethers and socials. We’re very welcoming to people in the local community and those passing through.

Make sure to visit Wicked Grounds when you’re in San Francisco!

Controversy time: Predator Doms

May 30, 2016 By Baadmaster 3 Comments

In a previous, contentious article, “Predator Pro-Dommes,” I warned against a new breed of faux Pro-Dommes invading the BDSM world post “Fifty Shades.” Although the response was largely positive (and most who excoriated me did not carefully read what I wrote), I admitted one major error, and I quote: “If there is one large error that I made, it was to not add that there are predatory male Doms out there too. And I will likely write about that.” Well, here it is! This article is addressed SPECIFICALLY to subs (male or female) who are looking for a male Dominant.

When any person interested in being a sub enters the BDSM lifestyle, they invariably hear the word “trust” mentioned a lot. Obviously, once you consent to being tied up, you must trust your Dominant. In a D/s relationship, you trust that his decisions will be, on balance, good ones. Thus, the statement that “D/s is based on trust” has a lot of truth within it.

In our lifestyle, and in interpersonal relationships in general, trust is one of the hardest things to judge. “Can I trust him?” is a tough question to answer. In a society where people meet total strangers online, it is hard to know whom to have confidence in. Can examining different aspects of “trust” shed light on how to spot an incompetent or – worse still – a Predator Dom? Let’s give it a try.

As I see it, there are two kinds of trust. The first type is what I term “scening trust.” The beauty of BDSM play is that it sets up an objective way to evaluate this area of trust. After a few scenes, you can assess the “trust level” of just about any dominant by answering the following questions.

1.Is the Dom as skillful as he first claimed to be? Did the dominant exaggerate his skill level? Did he answer your pre-scening questions truthfully? Were there any “truth” red flags? This is not only a question to determine how well suited a dominant is to you, but it also answers questions about his basic integrity.

2.Did the Dom allow a safe word? I personally believe that a couple can eventually dispense with a safe word – but only after they know how they play. But, if a dominant categorically refuses to allow the use of a safe word in your initial scenes, trust is an issue.

3.Did the Dom stop immediately upon hearing your safe word? If the answer is “no,” trust can be totally killed.

4.Was the Dom interested in your well-being? Or was he totally self-indulgent even at the peril of safety?

5.Did the Dom exude an aura of competence that made you feel safe? When the play gets more edgy – such as needle play — the level of requisite trust escalates. Do you trust him to keep you safe in all play situations?

If your answers to the five questions are all positive ones, you are off to a good start. And, if your situation is a play-only deal, you can just evaluate trust from strictly scening point of view.

It is in the area of emotional trust that the lines often become blurred. It is in this area where “Predator Doms” lurk. What makes an “unsafe emotional player” is a totally subjective call. Yet, this is at least as important a criterion as “scene trust.” In the emotional trust area, I propose five more questions that must be answered before you can begin to trust a potential Dom.

1.Did the Dom lie to you at any time? This is pretty basic stuff. But, one must be super-vigilant at the beginning. I am not saying, “One strike and you’re out!” There can be extenuating circumstances or the lie might be a forgivable one (at the option of the lie-ee.) But, honesty is the foundation of trust.

2.Did the Dom bum-rush you with an “insta-collar?” This can be fun; I am open-minded. But, it not the most effective way to establish trust which, like it or not, is built up over time.

3.Does the Dom make any demands that seem unreasonable? Although this is #3, this might be the key to spotting a “Predator Dom.” If a potential dominant says, “Give me your paycheck,” “Slaves have no property” or something similar right off the bat, you can bet establishing trust is not his first priority. Hold on to your wallet. Unless you REALLY want to give him your wallet! (This is all consensual, you know.) But don’t complain to me if you wind up penniless.

4.Is the Dom totally open with you? Does the Dom avoid certain questions or shade the truth? Does he address your concerns in a straightforward manner?

5.Does the Dom have other Dom friends who can vouch for him? If you are trusting someone with your life, you might as well find out if this person has peers who can vouch for him. When I met my current slave, I had her meet Sire Kane, of Lair deSade and other Doms. This is not a requirement, but it is part of a profile that you should put together when you want to submit on a high level.

If you break down trust in this two-part way – play trust and emotional trust – you can evaluate your potential dominant’s “trust factor” in a more objective way. In this way, you can protect your body, your psyche and even your property!

In this post “Fifty Shades” era, with many new players entering the scene who have movie-level concepts of what BDSM is, one cannot be too careful. I am not an alarmist. On the other hand, being too careful is never a bad thing. “Better safe than sorry” is an old aphorism that still has value.

Experienced s-type & New D-type

May 23, 2016 By Jenn Masri 5 Comments

For those who don’t know, this past weekend was DomCon. I was teaching a 101 class the last day and was taking a few questions near the end. One question was about where best to start exploring as a couple. I was glad I asked a couple of questions of my own first. I said that it may depend on level of experience of both partners. I asked if the question was for two people who were both new to the scene. The man who had asked the original question answered that he and his female partner had different levels of experience. He had been in the scene for a while and she was brand new. I then asked what their dynamic was. He is the s-type, she the D-type.

SO glad I asked those questions. Here you have a fairly new relationship where the s-type has experience in the scene and is introducing their D-type to the dynamic and to the community. This situation can effect the dynamic if you aren’t aware or mindful.

I relate to this situation personally. First of all, if you look at my relationship history there are several times I have been in this situation. I call myself a recruiter. Lol It’s not on purpose – I just seem to meet/attract the newbies. (Even before I started teaching 101) My current relationship is no exception. We met at the munch that I host, however, he wasn’t a part of the munch – he just happened to be at the bar that I host the munch at. He had no idea who I was or what our group was about. Fortunately for me he was quite Dominant by nature as well as kinky (perhaps without realizing it). He had simply never been exposed to the scene or the concept of power exchange relationship dynamic.

In the beginning I was there to answer his questions, explain terms and concepts, take him to events, and introduce him to lots of other people in the community. What I realized after a bit, however, was that I didn’t want to be in the “teacher role” with him. In the personal dynamic we were supposed to be formulating he was supposed to be the leader, the teacher, the guide. By me taking that role due to our difference in experience, it began to feel like our D/s roles were somewhat reversed.

I got smart this time. I suggested he find someone (or more than one someone) to talk to and ask questions of. Specifically other D-types in the scene. Fortunately I call many of them friends and they have been very willing to support his journey through teaching and unofficial mentorship. Beyond developing these personal one-on-one relationships with other D-types, he has continued to go to classes and conferences. We talk about each class whether I attended along with him or not. It’s not that I don’t contribute my knowledge or continue to expose him to classes and other opportunities to learn and grow. However, if he needs assistance when it comes to the dynamic he has people to talk to besides me.

Quick example. I asked him if we could have a ritual to begin play because it helps transition my head space. His first instinct was to ask me what I wanted the ritual to be or ideas for him to create something. This was one of those things where I said I’d rather he talk to someone else for ideas, plan what he wants to do and then just TELL ME what the ritual WILL BE. This doesn’t mean I won’t provide feedback after my experience of said ritual or that it won’t necessarily get changed or tweaked. However, I don’t want to have input about everything. With this example I believe it became more clear to him about which things to discuss with me and which to discuss elsewhere.

So, ultimately, my answer for that couple was for them to discuss things they liked (he knew already) or things they (or she) were interested in exploring. And for her to focus on making other D-type friends, specifically female D-types, so that she wasn’t relying on him for all the answers.

Event Review: Leather HEAT

April 4, 2016 By anniebear 1 Comment

I attended the Saturday portion of the Los Angeles Leather HEAT event with Dexx this past weekend. Leather HEAT is a multi-day educational non-profi event highlighting all things leather and M/s (Master/slave) including classes, vendors, play parties, and the highly anticipated M/s contest. It’s also pansexual to include all genders and orientations.

Dexx and I are not well acquainted with the leather scene in Los Angeles but we love to learn and meet new people. Leather HEAT was extremely well organized and the line up of classes was top notch so it was a great way to dip our toes into this sub-community. We entered the Airtel Plaza Hotel to collect our badges and noticed leather clad attendees in spades which is so much fun to see in public. The staff was extremely friendly and we received a goody bag including items from the varying sponsors most notably Stockroom.

We were short on time so we scurried off to our first class. Dexx and I had decided ahead of time to take advantage of the variety of M/s oriented classes to give us some more ideas for our personal dynamic. We decided on “Hear My Face See His Words” by Master Obsidian and slave namaste from Texas. They are a long term M/s couple from Texas. We personally could not have chosen a better class! They discussed everything about communication within an M/s dynamic, cramming all of this valuable information into 90 minutes. This topic is extremely broad and deep, so it can be difficult to dissect it down to the most essential parts. Master Obsidian and namaste did an incredible job of this, noting that discussing any relationship is an “acquired taste” which means everyone can become accustomed to it and it does not have to be an end of the world discussion. They “normalized” M/s relationships for me. We also ran into fellow Kink Weekly writer Jenn Masri in this class. *Hi Jenn*!

We took a lunch break and checked out the vendors. Dexx ended up snagging a pair of matched floggers from Bunny Flogger to practice his Florentine with. He also had his eye on an asphyxiation collar from Justin Sayne Leather. Yes, it is just as terrible and wonderful as it sounds. I on the other hand had my eye on a leather corset posture collar by Deviant Elegance. It’s simply divine!

The next class was “The Invisible Leash” by Master Tallen and slave george. This was a slightly different point of view from the last class since this was a gay male leather perspective. Master Tallen utlined specific protocols he uses and why. He also answered a lot of really awesome quesitons from the audience. My favorite concept for newer couples entering a power exchange was his method for stopping a potential fight before it begins by alwyas going back to the protocols and dynamic. I personally feel it can be hard even for the most devoted slave to short circuit their lifetime of vanilla relationship management and rely on D/s alone. The concept of having a protocol even for disagreements was novel to me.

The final stop on our M/s train was the second class from Master Obsidian and slave namaste, “The Winter of Our Discontent.” This was the go-to class for conflict resolution within an M/s dynamic. Master Obsidian and namaste made many correlations between an M/s dynamic and a royal hierarchy with the Master being the King of course. This is a great comparison since a royal hierarchy has very specific protocols. I was telling Dexx that I think of him as a Captain, haha.

In all it was a really informative day. I left feeling inspired by all of the great content. Tickets for Leather HEAT 2017 are already on sale here.

anniebear Interviews Arcane

February 29, 2016 By anniebear 2 Comments

I sat down with Arcane and his slave Daphne on a sunny afternoon in Hollywood. As an educator and founder of the Crow Academy, Arcane has experience coaching couples on D/s relationships and BDSM techniques. We talked about all things kinky, his new book, and kink around the globe.

anniebear: So you have a really original life story. It seems like you’ve kind of been everywhere and seen everything.

Arcane: I haven’t been to Antarctica… yet.

Haha, some day! I wanted to start at the beginning. What is your origin story? How did you get into BDSM in the first place?

When I was five years old I was tying up all of the neighborhood girls. For some reason I just really, really liked that and enjoyed it a lot, and found that was how I always wanted the games to go. Then the ironic part was that because I was the only little boy on the street with the little girls, to evolve the story I had to play both the hero and the villain. So I’d start off the first half of our games playing the villain and I’d tie her up, and then switch half way through it and play the hero and rescue her. I noticed that I’d delay the switching to the rescue part. So my initial kink has been a part of me pretty much as long as I’ve been alive.

My first girlfriend, real girlfriend, was also my first bottom. She actually came out of the closet to me on prom night and asked me to tie her up and “treat her roughly.” And I looked up at the sky and I said thank you (laughs). So BDSM has been, you could safely say, a part of my entire adult life since my first girlfriend. The other thing that actually shaped me quite a bit is that my first girlfriend and I also began to explore Tantra together, so my entire adult BDSM life has also paralleled my entire adult Tantric pursuit. It kind of runs through everything.

So do you teach Tantra as well?

Only to my partners, although when I teach a BDSM class I’ll drop Tantra in there because I think it’s actually super important for people to learn. I wouldn’t teach a Tantra class by itself but I have written articles on how BDSM and Tantra overlap nicely. The whole fetish world is a perfect canvas for Tantra and the reason is because one of the principles of Tantra is to get you to engage all five senses, and we have all these extra things: the smell of leather, the look of the submissive in their bondage, the sounds they make, the sounds of the whip, the flavors you can bring in any way you want, and a lot of people play with specialized lighting… candles, light bulbs and all these things so it really is a perfect ground to practice Tantra and it makes the scenes better.

And everyone is more open anyway. You teach a lot of different things but you specifically seem particularly interested in D/s dynamics and relationships. We don’t have time to go way into it, since it is such a complex subject could you pick three key components that are most important to a D/s dynamic?

No problem. Well number one, absolute number one, if someone comes up to me and tells me they want to be a Dom, I will look them straight in the eye and I will say, “how comfortable are you with Capitol-R Responsibility for another human being’s well being?” And if they tell me that’s not what they thought it was about, that they just want to control someone and boss them around and have good sex… I tell them, “if you don’t want the responsibility for another person, then you don’t want to be a Dom. Go find a different hobby.”

Number two, D/s does have a lot of variety. I can talk all day and night about the Crow Academy system but it’s not the only good school of D/s in the world. There are other perfectly respectable D/s schools that are very different and in fact those Doms and I talk and we share ideas and my style evolves and their style evolves. D/s is absolutely an Art Form and it will evolve. It’s meant to be practiced like anything else. If you want to be a better painter then paint, and if you want to be a better Dom, practice your domination. Always pursue to get better, to grow, to become good at it.

Number three, one of the main things about the Crow Academy and the D/s style that I teach is that it’s very specifically about building a romantic D/s relationship, a connecting, bonding relationship between the Dom and the sub. There are people out there with perfectly good reasons for saying “oh well I don’t like to be romantically involved with my sub” and that’s fine, that’s just not what the Crow Academy is about. The Crow Academy style is really aimed at couples who want to have all the bondage, all the passion, all the BDSM, all the D/s alongside and parallel to building a really great relationship.

And beyond that do you teach classes on skills?

Yes, flogging, bondage, animal play… one of the things I really want to teach again soon is a class about constructing a scene. So when you do a scene, the way I teach it every scene needs to tell a story. It needs to have a beginning, a middle, and an end. The beginning, the light toys and tools, is kind of the introduction to the characters, which are the various sensations. The middle of the scene is the build up, and the up and down and the switching of sensations given. I’m a very strong believer in switching the sensations, except during Fire-play as that’s a pretty monotone sensation but even then we start off with some flogging to get the blood up to the surface of the skin and wake her body up and what not, and then in between some of the fire I still bring out the fur creating a dance of sensations. If you understand how skin is constructed with all of the different nerves for temperature, pressure, texture, and all of these different sensors, then if you really want to get a sub into her bliss you will want to get as many of those sensors activated as possible. So you can activate a pressure sensor with flogging and you can activate a texture sensor with rabbit fur. You can activate those but if you then get the temperature one to go way too high then the other ones will almost shut off because they become lesser, irrelevant information. And the hypothalamus part of the brain will say, “sorry the pressure and the texture doesn’t matter because right now all that matters is the temperature that is triggering an emergency-alarm’s level.” So really good S&M is about balancing all of these different sensations and doing it in such a way that, say by the end act two in a three act play, you’ve built a dance of all of these characters on stage going back and forth speaking their lines of sensation. The fur speaks its line and then the floggers speak their line and a little bit of knife play speaks and all of that is what makes her skin go crazy.

(to slave Daphne) You live a tough life I’m sure

Daphne: Yes it’s just so hard (laughs).

Arcane: And then in act three, when you go from act two to act three of your scene, you want to build and build to the hardest, heaviest, most intense sensations…. and then you start to land the scene, to bring it back home. This is where I think a lot of people really don’t get in there enough. You need to kind of land everything and gently bring it back down. You can’t just stop, unless of course you have a very good reason to do so, but you want to bring it back down and go back to lighter sensations… heavy to medium, medium to light, then super light and then the scene ends.

Yes, it can be very jarring to go from bam bam bam to we’re done. Times up, gotta go!

I just taught an enormous workshop series in Australia that was all about beginning, intermediate, and advanced D/s and a lot of safety. I emphasize safety because this is a person I love so her safety and well-being is going to be paramount.

And that tends to get glossed over for the sake of being more “Domly” I think.

In newbies. There’s a lot of good education going on right now. A lot of people have access to find out how to be better and understand these basic safety principles. Almost everybody knows what a safe-word is. If they don’t they have some studying to do.

You seem particularly interested in bondage. Probably your most favorite thing? What is it about bondage that kind of gets you going?

Because that’s where I started. When I was five years old.

It’s your roots.

Yes, my roots were bondage and role play. So I never get tired of role play. Daphne and I come up with the crazy roles plays all of the time. I’ll tell you about a fun one, this is really cool because this just happened. So we’re both Star Wars fans and for Christmas I got her these really sexy Boba Fett leggings and a little crop top. And she owns these really awesome spike heel boots and we put together this whole role play where she was a bounty hunter and I was working for Darth Vader and captured and kidnapped her. Here I am, I’m a grown man but I honestly have to tell you that I could not believe how turned on I was and how that role play filled my head. As far as I was concerned we were there on the Death Star.

And it was right here in your apartment?

Daphne: Oh yea!

Arcane: It was super hot. And my point being that it’s a hell of a lot of fun for me to just open my imagination and bring in all of the things that I love into our role plays. We’re both pretty active-imagination people.

(to Daphne) And what’s some of your favorite stuff?

Daphne: Because he’s got the long hair and beard and kind of looks like a pirate I love the pirate and duchesse role plays. It’s my favorite.

Arcane: We have ongoing role plays about it.

Daphne: We seriously do! Its like ok we stop and we’re done and then our next role play we pick it right back up and I feel like I’m on a ship.

Arcane: But also I do love fire play. I don’t even know why… it’s just like the generic little pyromaniac in me. It’s edge play because fire. But just watching her reactions and how the fire dances across her body and knowing that I have enough control and experience with the fire… and fire is fire. You talk to anybody who ever works with fire professionally. There’s a great movie with Robert DeNiro where he talks about fire as a beast and you have to know how the beast lives and works and breaths and its really true. So when I’m doing this – putting fire on her to guide it and dance it around her body – I seriously feel like an artist at a canvas. In all BDSM really I feel that way.

(to Daphne) And do you feel safe or scared?

Daphne: You know honestly you say edge play Master, but I trust him so much and it just feels good I just feel… he puts it as a hot feather gracing your skin. Sometimes there is a very slight burning sensation. It’s not enough to hurt but it’s enough to wake me up because sometimes the fire is very soft and you get all relaxed and then it kind of bites and then I’m back in my body again. So it’s incredible. I highly recommend it to those who know how to do it.

Arcane: That’s one thing that I definitely have to say – Only if you’re taught it. I had someone teach me how to use it. I’ve taught fire play workshops and at least 30% of the workshop is just safety and really understanding what it is. That’s kind of how it is with any edge play. You really have to be taught by somebody who knows how it works before you start messing around.

And it looks like you have a new book out? That’s exciting! Can you talk a little bit about that? Is it your first book?

Well I’ve done a lot of writing but this is my first fully formed completely crafted, designed book. Igniting the Fire is an Ebook right now, been out for about a year selling purely by word-of-mouth which makes me super happy, and we just got another 5-star review on Amazon. It’s designed to be a hardcopy coffee table book. Every single page is a colorful plate and when its published in its full hardback form it’s about 400 pages.

(Arcane has Daphne bring the hard copy prototype. It really is a gorgeous book!)

It’s a complete A-Z system of how to do the Crow Academy style. It’s the first in a series of books so this book is aimed at the submissive. I speak to the submissive but there’s so much stuff in there that any Dom can pick it up and use the technique and the protocols described. The voice that I use when describing a protocol is the Dom speaking to the sub but any Dom could try these and decide, “this is a cool protocol,” and add it to their personal repertoire. The mechanics are spelled out. It’s written for people of all levels, absolute beginners as well as people with a ton of experience and everyone in between.

It looks like you got Ken Marcus to do the photography.

Yes, Ken Marcus and Perry Gallagher both.

It’s divided into four sections. The first section is your basic physical protocols and slave positions, and the second section is more on understanding some of the psychological elements, commands and signals. The third section goes really into the headspace of the submissive. The fourth part delves into the traditions and where it all comes from. A lot of stuff has been written about BDSM, which is great, and a lot has passed down by word of mouth. I had people and information coming at me from all sides in my own evolution and so I took what I learned from them all, what I tried and tested that became the Crow Academy style, and put in a ton of modern, utilitarian emphasis to make it real, to make it contemporary and useful.

It’s a beautiful book. I like that its written geared towards the submissive. I think that doesn’t happen as often, for written text. There’s some but not a lot.

Book two, which is in outline form right now, is going to be the exact opposite. I’m going to speak to the Dom because one thing that’s happened in the course of the Crow Academy being around is that I get a lot of letters from submissives saying, “I met up with this man who said he was a Dom and this terrible thing happened and now I feel like dropping out of the scene but you seem like you know what you’re talking about so what do you suggest?” And if I was to summarize the greatest need that I would like to provide for the world is to make a ton of really good, smart Doms out there. I’m tired of getting those letters. I want to get letters from people who say, “oh my gosh I met this man I gave him your second book and now he’s become the Dom of my dreams.” That would make me extremely happy.

So I’m curious in your travels to different places and lands far and beyond, have you explored many of the kink scenes in other countries?

All over!

Which one is your favorite?

Well my first public community scene was in Amsterdam and when I stepped into my very first fetish club there was a very strict dress code. The entrance was like something out of a Bugs Bunny cartoon. They had the big guy at the door and the sliding eye-slot thing and they look at you then open the door and say, “can I help you?” It was a blank building down by the ocean. And you’d say, “yea I’m here for the kinky club,” and if you weren’t dressed in fetish gear right there you’d better have a bag with you that had the fetish gear to change to show the doorman. Then they had a changing room and you weren’t supposed to be in the club unless you were in full fetish fashion. You’d pay your money and open another door and boom, you’re in the club. And the first word that popped into my head that day was, “Home.” And it’s been that way ever since. I was like, “oh my god I’m home.” It was like stepping into the Star Wars cantina, an intergalactic zoo of wonderful weirdness. Just so much stuff going on and everywhere I turned something new or different or bizarre and it absorbed me instantly.

I went on to start producing my own fetish club called “Iniquity” here in America, and Amsterdam had a big influence on me. London has always been fantastic. Different cities have a different emphasis. In London I was once told while I was there on vacation that I was one of twelve Doms in London, which I don’t think that’s true but the point was there were so many Fem-Dommes, it was overrun. San Francisco is very male Dom heavy. Los Angeles is pretty balanced. Obviously San Francisco has a huge gay leather scene, Chicago as well. Although I’m not personally gay myself, I attended IML (International Mister Leather) because one of my friends was the son of the owner of Mister S Leather so we all went. There was a small hetero group there and of course we all spotted each other across the convention floor in this gigantic BDSM toy market. The market was amazing, and my point being it doesn’t really matter if it’s your thing or not because there’s amazing stuff to be found everywhere. At one of the parties there at IML there was a needle play scene that was art. It was just art. It wasn’t the typical thing where they stick the needles and make a little pattern. They did it bi-laterally on the person’s whole body inside of this wooden frame that was a permanent structure at this dungeon and then they had fishing line going from each needle to the frame so each needle was being tugged microscopically in every imaginable direction. It was mind blowing, creating a visually stunning art piece. There’s something for everyone in the world.

You do some stuff with needles too?

Not really. I will use acupuncture needles moderately – its kind of fun and again it’s edge play. If you’re doing something like that where you break the skin then you have to know your STD status and your partner’s. If you’re doing it on a stranger you should wear rubber gloves… all this kind of stuff. An acupuncture needle put in the right spot… and I don’t suggest you experiment with this…

I’m good!

If you put in the right spot you can make it stop movement like rope and the person can’t move… if they move there is a little shoot of pain.

Ah!

No you don’t understand (laughs)… it’s so awesome. I did a scene on stage in Australia where the girl was tied to a St Andrews cross by her wrists and then I put the acupuncture needles on her so she really couldn’t move and then I did fire play.

You’re a mean man! (laughs)

No no no I’m a generous man! (laughs) She was very happy. The amount of endorphins you get through these situations… there is no purchasable drug on Earth that can compare.

Sure! I believe it. I’ll take your word for it (laughs). So the scene internationally do you favor Amsterdam mostly because that’s where you got your start?

It’s actually the variety you find around the world that is a lot of fun for me. In Australia right now one of my best friends, Master Thorn, an amazing Dom, is the center of the Brisbane BDSM scene. He teaches classes every week and has parties every week and it’s a younger crowd that are super enthusiastic. Now is it as sophisticated or polished as the London or Amsterdam scene? No, not even close, but the enthusiasm, the raw enthusiasm is fantastic. Also another example there in Brisbane is that they have an enormous emphasis, one of the best in the world, on pet play and animal play, hosted by the Sanguine Pack, and that’s exactly the point. The fact that all over the world you find these pockets where the kink goes a little this way or a little that way. That’s awesome! My goal with her (to Daphne) – she hasn’t been travelling around the world with me yet – would be to take her to some of these places to show her what its like in London and Brisbane.

How the other half lives.

The other tenths. (grin)

From your experience what do you think the biggest problem is affecting the community as a whole?

Fifty Shades of Gray! (laughs) Not really. When Fifty Shades of Gray was first written people were really split. Ok here’s a fun statistic for you… because of the number of books that are known to be sold plus the number of expected illegal downloads when it was an Ebook, it works out that approximately one out of every thirty seven literate adults in the world over the age of 18 has at least obtained a copy of this book. That’s crazy. And what that did is it helped open the conversation massively. You can talk about BDSM anywhere now. And people have some idea what you’re talking about. Now if people take Fifty Shades of Gray as a guidebook they’re in for a very rough, dangerous and probably destructive road. So that is really the problem. Well not so much a problem – and I was kind of joking when I gave my answer – it’s not really a huge problem with BDSM, its just that so many fresh minds are out there who want to learn and what I’m doing and what my friend in Australia is doing is just trying to get good information out there. So is that a problem or is it just a need that needs to be filled? Good information, we need a lot more good information

Better dissemination of information.

And funny you should ask this exact question. I literally just got done talking with one of my clients. I do training for couples and so one of my clients was telling me that she was in some shop and she told the person, “my Master…,” and the guy knew them by association and said, “he can’t be a Master because he hasn’t done it long enough… you can’t call him Master.” And she wrote me and asked is this true? And I said, no that’s nonsense. He’s your Master, you can call him anything you want. He can tell you what he wants to be called by you, Master, Sire, My Lord, whatever. Doesn’t matter. If he was to step into a room full of BDSM people and say “I’m a Master!” than yes they might expect him to have a ton of experience, but he is your Master and you are his slave and that’s beautiful and you should embrace that. So another possibility with this need for information is to correct bad information or overly politically-correct information, which is not always going to help the situation, or highly opinionated information. People who are in the scene long enough know that when someone starts saying, “my way is the only way and everybody else is wrong,” then you need to walk away. Outside of that, I think we’re in a time of incredible opportunity to educate the world.

Yea, Dexx always says we’re in a “BDSM Renaissance.”

Yes, but its really true! And there are enough people out there that really know.

Out of curiosity, have you ever bottomed?

Funny you should say that. I have a running joke that I’m only 99% Dominant. I’m 1% submissive to chiropractors, deep tissue massage, acupuncturists and myofascial-release which makes ordinary deep tissue massage look like you sneezed. It’s very intense. The running joke, as Daphne has been here one time when the lady was working on me, is the question of how few times will I scream the word “Fuck!”

Daphne: It’s pretty entertaining (laughs)

Arcane: But that’s about it. One time way back with my first bottom we tried switching and my brain was just like, “there is no point, this is doing nothing for me,” and she agreed that she also didn’t want to be in control or be mean (laughs).

(To Daphne) Have you ever topped

Daphne: Ummmm, no (laughs). I’m trying to think if I ever really did? There’s just something about being a submissive that’s just so freeing and relaxing that I don’t know if I could handle the responsibility of somebody else.

(to Arcane) What advice would you offer someone just starting out besides reading your website and book of course!

Just read and educate yourself. My first clubs were in Amsterdam and London, then I came back to America. Very soon thereafter I moved to the San Francisco bay area and joined the Society of Janus up there. Janus, like Threshold in Los Angeles, is very politically correct in their BDSM. And what they teach is going to be very almost white-bread BDSM. Nonetheless I joined Janus and I took every single workshop they taught for two years. I never missed one unless it was you know, how to feminize your slave or what not. And that’s huge to get in the community. I tell my clients, “come with us to a party because you need to see the way other people do it.” Not just to be amongst peers and get that peer acknowledgment and acceptance for being into it, which is important and easier now than it was ten years ago because of Fifty Shades of Gray and the openness its caused, but also because like I said at my first time in my very first club, you see these things and you think, “well I never thought about doing that,” and you learn something new.

Ask questions, obey club etiquette, don’t interrupt someone’s scene. Get educated. One of my first martial arts senseis was a generous man because a lot of the schools back in the day did the whole Karate Kid thing where they would say, “our school is the best school!” I was lucky enough to have a sensei who one day turned to the whole class and said, “ok I’m going to teach you a secret now. If you want to get good at martial arts then you will have to study many different styles.” That’s exactly what I would say. The Crow Academy style is very couple-oriented with romance, high protocol, high etiquette, and those are with traditions from hundreds years ago that we’re revamping. But if you’re attracted to someone else’s style, read their book, learn it. Learn about different ways of doing what others do in their BDSM style that might be just as good.

Be aware because you want to avoid many stereotypes that are two-dimensional. And this is why I take the ball and roll with the whole romance angle. Yes a Dom can love their slave, yes a Master/Mistress can love her sub. In both directions. Don’t ever think that this is just some random act devoid of emotion. I would say go the opposite direction. Put your emotions into it. Be an artist. It’s a creative process. Make it your own.

You can contact Arcane through The Crow Academy and read more advice and writings here. Follow Arcane @CrowAcademy as well as on Facebook. His new book Igniting the Fire is available now on Amazon.

Whip Essentials

February 15, 2016 By Baadmaster 4 Comments

“Whip and Chains.” You’ve heard this phrase a thousand times. It’s what made BDSM famous. (Well, almost.) The chains part is pretty straightforward. But whips… that is another matter entirely. So, Kink Weekly will try to give you an introduction into this exciting aspect of the kink world.

Trying to present an online course on single tails in one article would be like attempting to train an Astronaut in one day. Whips – especially bullwhips – are an advanced form of BDSM play and the skill level required is quite high. That said, you have to begin somewhere — and that somewhere is right here, at Kink Weekly. Here we will try to give you some basics about the single tail that will make your journey into this exciting area of BDSM play a little easier. And, if you are already knowledgeable about whips, this can be a good refresher course!

Whether it is the circus “Ring Master” or the BDSM “Bondage Master” cracking the whip, it is a sound that is awe-inspiring. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the whip, the “cracking” sound is made by a nylon or polypropylene “cracker” that is attached to the fall at the end of the whip.

The bullwhip is typically made of rawhide or kangaroo leather and has a leather-covered hard wooden handle that makes it easy to wield and throw accurately. They usually run from about five feet to twelve feet in length. Snake whips tend to be somewhat shorter in length, which makes them ideal for indoor use. The snake whip is basically a bullwhip with a flexible handle, rather than the rigid one of the bullwhip. Experts like the black snake whip because it offers a lot of control; beginners prefer it because it is easier to master than a full-on bullwhip. The stock whip with its long handle is also easier to crack. But, for our basic overview, we will concentrate on the bullwhip.

When you purchase your first whip, we suggest you buy a fine kangaroo bullwhip. We do not advise buying the twelve-foot Indiana Jones model. Rather, a shorter whip, such as a four-to-six footer, is the way to go. You must also buy two sets of protective goggles – one for you and one for the submissive. You only have two eyes and you cannot risk an errant throw injuring one of them. Also, do not be unnerved when you hit yourself; that is part of the learning curve!

We would recommend you initially practice learning how to crack the whip. It is a wrist-based motion – much like casting a fishing line — that does not require a lot of strength. All it requires is a ton of practice. Maybe even several tons! Once you learn how to consistently crack the whip, you are ready to use it in a “mind fuck” scene. If you are playing in public, remember that a four foot whip requires AT LEAST a fourteen foot diameter safety circle — twice the length of the whip and six feet for your swinging arms — around you. Safety is paramount; the bullwhip is not to be taken lightly. Blindfold the submissive, tie her/him to the cross and crack the whip near her/him being careful not to hit the submissive. After a couple of scary cracks, you can then use your favorite implements – floggers, paddles, etc. – to continue your scene with. Even though you are not ready to use the bullwhip on the submissive, we guarantee the whip crack alone will add an adrenaline rush to any scene!

Now comes the hard part – throwing it perfectly enough to use on a submissive. This, technically, should not be part of any article; hands-on instruction by a “whip master” is the best way to go. But let’s give it a shot!

One great way to start perfecting your whip technique is to use a stuffed animal as your practice target. (No, not the $10,000 original Beanie Baby you were saving for your kid’s tuition!) In this way you can observe changes to the fur to see where your whip is striking. Another targeting concept is to use a pillow with cornstarch smoothed into it. This will help you gauge the impact of your strikes. But whatever target you use, you must practice, practice, practice. You must not only know where your whip will land, but also how hard the impact of a given throw is.

Before you even think about using a whip on a submissive, you must get to the point where you can crack the whip on the target perfectly. This can take months. After all, the bullwhip can really cause injury if it misses its mark. When you first start working with a submissive, we suggest you practice on one who is wearing leathers to protect her/himself – and aim for the butt. (Become an expert on hitting the butt before you aim for the back.) Always err on the side of safety – especially where whips are concerned. Of course, safety goggles and a safe word are essential.

Once you become an expert, you will find the whip is one of the most rush-producing toys we have in our BDSM arsenal. From the crack of the whip to the sting of the lash itself, it is S&M personified. It is not for everyone. It takes a lot of dedication and practice. But, it can be very rewarding.

Some important tips: If your cracker draws blood, throw it out and replace it. Ideally, you should replace it after every scene, blood or no blood. Care for your whips. They are expensive. Treat them like the fine leather tools that they are. Keep them clean, keep them dry and keep them supple with a good cream leather dressing such as Pecard’s.

Finally, and most importantly, never forget aftercare at the end of a single tail scene. It can be physically draining for the submissive and aftercare is absolutely essential.

By Baadmaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

education

Footer