education

The Vanilla Matrix

February 1, 2016 By Jenn Masri 3 Comments

So the other day I was listening to Perverted Podcast on a long drive to Orange County. A topic came up that inspired this article. I want to give credit where credit is due. Two of the hosts were comparing the BDSM community and mainstream, or “vanilla” community in terms of which one is the “real” world and which one is like an alternate universe. One host, Kathy said she felt like the BDSM world was like an alternate universe, but then the other host Boogie countered with the idea that the BDSM world is really the real world and the vanilla world is the alternate universe because of all the way people are or feel the need to be, fake. That the vanilla world and the people in it are living the illusion.

This got me thinking. While I can see both perspectives and understand how many people will see it from Kathy’s perspective – I have to say I see it from Boogie’s point of view. This is not a right or wrong issue, it’s subjective. They continued their conversation in their own unique direction, so here is where my mind went with it.
I think it comes down to how honest and open people can be – whether it’s with a romantic partner, friends, coworkers, family, etc. It’s not to say everyone needs to be kinky. However, how many people out there are kinky or simply not happy with their sex life who feel they can’t discuss it or don’t know how to discuss it? How many really interesting conversations don’t happen because the subjects are “taboo”?

I have the experience of having lived a vanilla life with a vanilla marriage with regular communication and expectations. I have vanilla friends and family that share with me their experiences. Then I compare all that to my more recent relationships in the BDSM world and with D/s dynamics and I can’t help but say I’m relieved I found this “world”. First of all, I now have so many people in my life who I can have a conversation with about ANYTHING without judgement nor fear of being looked at or treated like a freak. Keep in mind I have broken some of the barriers between worlds as I am “out” to my friends and parents who are very supportive of me. Still, there are things I may not bring up with them just because I don’t want to put them on the spot or embarrass them. However, at least I can be honest about who I am and the lifestyle I live.

Now let’s look at romantic relationships. This is where I see a huge difference between worlds. This opinion has been formed from, not only, my own experience, but also people I know, as well as clientele over the years. I could sit here and go through a ton of differences between vanilla and D/s relationships, however I believe one of the biggest differences that effects couples the most is transparent communication. I cannot express how important I think this is. For two people to learn how to (and actually practice) sitting down and having the most real conversations of their life, not only helps them resolve issues, but also brings them a level of understanding and connection they wouldn’t have otherwise. If you’re not sure what I mean by transparent communication, I will give you a quick (and not too heavy) example.

Same scenario, two different couples. One vanilla, one D/s (or vanilla but utilizing T.C.). I will use the heteronormative husband and wife. So the scenario is that both husbands and both wives work outside the home, yet the wife is also expected to do some household chores which includes laundry. The husband continuously throws his dirty socks towards the laundry basket but often doesn’t make it inside the basket and doesn’t bother to fix it. In the vanilla relationship the wife constantly “nags” the husband about his socks and they keep fighting about it whenever it happens. Or maybe after a while she stops nagging and just becomes quietly resentful. The husband is thinking his wife is overreacting because what’s the big deal? When she grabs the basket to do laundry it’s not that hard to grab whatever is around on the floor. So they have this spat for years. Now, let’s look at this with the other couple that uses T.C. The wife sits down with her husband and actually expresses, without anger, why she gets so frustrated with the socks. That it makes her feel unappreciated and why. The husband now has a deeper understanding for how his wife feels and can not only express remorse for hurting her feelings (because that was never his intent) but is much more likely to stop the behavior because they aren’t caught up in a power struggle.

This was one tiny example of how – I believe – D/s couples (who are more likely to use this form of communication, especially on deeper issues) are living more authentically. When I have started a relationship with someone who is new to the BDSM world and I introduce them to this kind of openness and vulnerability it’s a huge jump for them. I can tell that, even though it can be more difficult, they can also see and feel the magnitude of how the relationship itself is impacted in a more positive, or at least more honest and open, way.

So, yes, I do believe the BDSM world is very “real” and that, in many ways, the vanilla world is the matrix or the “front”. Where people live by “shoulds” and are fearful of discussing taboo subjects or allowing themselves to be too vulnerable to their partners. I hope that this will change over time. Not that more people will be kinky, but that more people will be willing to learn from us and become more open and honest – with themselves and others in their life.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

BDSM Urban Legends Exposed

January 25, 2016 By Baadmaster 4 Comments

Since all of us have been hit with Urban Legends in the vanilla world, must there also be “BDSM Urban Legends”? The answer is “Yes!”

In the spirit of the tabloid mythbusters, we here at Kink Weekly will take a look at some of the “BDSM Urban Legends” and examine them to see if they hold up. As we have yet to see anybody else challenge them, it is time to check the veracity of these widely circulated “words of wisdom.”

1. “BDSM scening isn’t about sex.”

The first “BDSM Urban Legend” we ever heard was, “BDSM scening isn’t about sex.” Actually, BDSM scening can be about just about anything, including sex. To think outside the box, I would suggest that a more accurate version might be, “BDSM scening is almost always about sex.” Since Freud (the famous psychologist, not the Dom!) postulates that EVERYTHING revolves around sex. So why this myth?

The “not about sex” saying is probably based on the fact that many of the most popular scenes do not appear to have a sexual component. A flogging, caning or paddling scene usually doesn’t include penetration on the playbill. But does that mean that a flogging scene really isn’t about sex? Overtly, that might be true; but more than likely, the participants get a sexual charge from the play. Many use a BDSM scene as foreplay. Again, it’s about sex. On a less subtle level, there are many bust-out BDSM/sex scenes. Just your basic “sex slave” scene surely contradicts the myth. A Yogi Berra version of this urban myth — “BDSM scening isn’t about sex…and vice versa!” – would probably be a hell of a lot more accurate. And amusing.

2. “Never Top from the bottom.”
Another “Urban Legend” is one aimed at the submissives, stating, “Never Top from the bottom.” This one has been tying subs up in knots (no pun intended) for decades! As an all-encompassing commandment, it fails the smell test. It is most accurate when it comes to scening. Surely, “You hit like a girl/boy”…“Hit the right cheek more”…“Keep your wrists loose!” are unacceptable during most scenes. But in real life, if the submissive always keeps silent for fear of “Topping from the bottom,” he/she would be making a big mistake. A Dominant is not a mind reader; making one’s preferences and needs known is essential for any submissive. If he/she is tactful – even if a bit Toppy – any good Dom should take suggestions to heart. The “legend” would have a hell of a lot more validity if the slogan were, “Never Top from the bottom in a scene.”

3. “A slave is higher on the food chain than a submissive.”
Yet another Urban Legend is, “A slave is higher on the food chain than a submissive.” This belief is so widespread, people seem to accept it without question. But if you examine it, it really doesn’t hold water. Putting aside the impossible task of trying to define the difference between submissive and slave (I have tried to codify the difference in a previous Kink Weekly article, “Slave vs. Submissive”), where is this pecking order I keep on hearing about? The pecking order seems to be a myth, too. And until there is an official hierarchy, food chain or pecking order, file this “BDSM Urban Legend” with the infamous Vegas-kidney-theft-legend.

4. “The submissive is the one who is really in control,”
This is another ubiquitous myth that everyone hears as soon as they have their first BDSM discussion. My personal opinion is that this is said by those who believe there is really no such thing as Dominance and submission. Surely, there is no such thing as legal slavery; a Dom can never force a submissive to do anything he/she refuses to do. But being physically able to leave or having the legal right to disobey does not equate to being in control other than by way of mutiny; once the power exchange is negotiated (and it is in the negotiation stage where the submissive is the power equal of the potential Dominant) and a D/s hierarchy established, the submissive is not in control over those areas ceded. Just because something is voluntary doesn’t make it any less real. The next time you watch a submissive in subspace, you will see he/she is not in control. The Dom is in control. And it is quite real.

5. “You cannot become a Master or a Top without having been a slave or a bottom.”
Our final Urban Legend in this installment is a classic. This is generally credited to the Old Guard Leather Societies, the progenitors of our current BDSM clubs, dungeons and community. This statement, of all the ones we have examined here, has the most to recommend it. Although I personally don’t think bottoming is a necessary step in the education of a Top, there are lifestylers whom I respect who think it is. It can be argued both ways. And although I don’t feel it is a necessary step, bottoming would surely give the Top a perspective that would be enlightening – in addition to a well-rounded education!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Pushing a Dynamic

January 25, 2016 By Jenn Masri 2 Comments

This, like most of my articles, is for both sides of the slash. Let’s start with what you hear of more commonly. The D-type pushing boundaries or pressuring an s-type, especially the newbies, to act as if they are in a power exchange dynamic. So all you s-types listen up: Just because you’re AN s-type, doesn’t mean you’re HIS or HER s-type! If you haven’t heard this before, it won’t be the last time. A power exchange dynamic, just like play, is something you enter into with consent and communication.

So how might a D-type push these boundaries?

One way can be before you ever meet them. It could be as soon as their first message to you. Greeting you, making their intention known and then “giving you permission” to call them Sir/Mistress, etc. Why? Just because you’re an s-type? Calling someone by a title is something you do as part of a dynamic. (By the way this is not in reference to those who refer to everyone as Sir or Ma’am out of politeness nor toward those that have it as part of their protocol.) You in no way “owe” this to anyone, especially someone you’ve never met! Remember you have a voice. Let them know you aren’t comfortable referring to them that way since you’ve never met. Or perhaps it wasn’t their first message, but only a handful of messages in. Either way, whether you’ve been chatting for one minute or one year, titles are things you discuss. If they get upset, then I would take that as a huge red flag. Chances are, at best, they are role-playing the D-type thing and really have no idea or interest in how these things work. At worst, they are purposefully trying to manipulate you.

Besides expecting titles to be used, there are other ways that D-types can push a dynamic. It could be at a party or munch where they tell you to get them something or expect you to cater to them. Key words here are “tell you” and “expect”. It’s one thing to politely ask for a favor, it’s another to simply assume you are at their beck and call just because of how you identify.

Now on to the other side of the issue. S-types can push a dynamic as well. Here’s how…

So you, a D-type, find someone to chat with on Fetlife. Things are going well up to this point, only a dozen or so messages back and forth so far. That’s when the s-type hits you with, “what do you want to do to me Daddy/Mommy?” or “What did Master/Mistress do today?”

Daddy?! Master?! Mommy?! Mistress?!

Hold on there! These are titles that should be earned, discussed, and negotiated. Now, this s-type could be trying to push for a dynamic or relationship prematurely, or they may not know any better. I think it’s a common misperception that s-types are expected to use titles for every D-type. This is especially true for those that are new in the scene. I recommend, if this happens to you, to let them know that they do not need to call you by a title, that your name (or preferred label) is perfectly acceptable until or unless you both agree to enter into something more. Now, if they disregard that request, then you may have an issue.

What it comes down to is that a power exchange dynamic is something to be respected and taken seriously. Try not to move too quickly and be wary of those that do. It’s ok to move at a slower pace, at your pace, until the time is right.

Opinion: Beauty is not enough

January 11, 2016 By Nookie 7 Comments

anniebear here. Our contributor NookieNotes wrote this compelling observation that is heatedly discussed on a regular basis. Her words really resonate with me. You’ll see why in my response later in the article.

Nookie says:

Last night, I was having a conversation on beauty with a new friend in town on business. It’s a conversation I’ve had many times, and I was sort of musing on it as I walked to my car. I passed a couple of very pretty women dressed up nicely and looking like they were freezing coming out of the parking ramp. One was saying to the other:

“Really, I can’t imagine being ugly or fat. That would suck. I’m so lucky to have good genes.”

The other agreed.

And indeed, they both had excellent genes.

However, what I heard was not just a comment about their self-perceptions of their looks, but also a statement about their self-esteem.

What I really heard was:

“I’m not good enough. I’m not smart enough to make it without my looks making it easier. I’m not charming enough to be loved without my beauty. I’m not interesting enough to be popular without my long legs…”

Let me ask you:
• What happens when beautiful people are not longer “beautiful enough?”
• Do they cease to be worthwhile as human beings?
• Are they no longer desirable because popular culture says they aren’t?

And think not just about your answers. I know the answers of my friends, and I love you for it. That’s part of the reason you are my friends. Think about THEIR answers. Think about your young daughter’s answer, or your niece’s answer, or your sister’s answer, or your mother’s answer…

Or your son’s answer, your brother’s…

This is why I love when people I love think I’m beautiful, but really don’t care one way or another whether a stranger thinks I’m fat or perfect, gorgeous or dog-ugly.

Because what I offer the world is SO MUCH MORE than my meat wrapping.

anniebear says:

This is terribly difficult to write and I hope you, my dear readers that come across this will be gentle in your response.

My whole life I have been judged by my meat-wrapping (a hilarious name!). Everyone is judged as such. I have had a different point of view as an admittedly aesthetically pretty, white, blonde girl. It’s embarrassing to admit this directly and I in no way want to come across as arrogant or a humblebrag. As Nookie says-looks are fleeting. Only in my adulthood have I been able to find my own personal value beyond my looks. It’s a daily struggle. In a world here the exterior appearance is seemingly the most important, my looks have always been under constant scrutiny, the first thing anyone notices about me besides my tall height. In turn, I’ve learned to seek this validation from people.

I am guilty of speaking those poisonous thoughts that Nookie overheard those pretty girls speak. I am just as insecure because I know this is temporary. It is an obsession. What will I do after it’s all gone? The BDSM lifestyle has helped me leaps and bounds to see beyond all of it, to see my future more securely and clearly. To see that I have more than my appearance, that I am more.

I believe my life has been easier because of my exterior appearance, but at the same time it has been more difficult. It’s harder to prove to people you have intelligence. It’s embarrassing when people tell me they are “surprised” by my developed personality and quick wit. I’m quick to negate people when they compliment me on something that involves my mental capacity or a good job performance. I dread certain social situations with men. It’s deflating to not get a job because I don’t “look” smart enough.

I have had friends and strangers tell me how “lucky” I am, that I am “blessed.” These people hold beauty to the same high, unattainable standard. These people, though well intentioned are just as superficial as I have been raised to be. It is a fight against the norm. I will struggle to be relevant and retain value when I am older.

I urge you all to help us move beyond this, as I am learning to do.

Nookie is a mostly FemDom-leaning North Carolina kinkster with a wide variety of interests, and a penchant for writing and teaching. She and her work can be found on Fetlife and tumblr.

Know Thyself

January 11, 2016 By Jenn Masri 3 Comments

Know thyself. I say this a lot to my classes and my clients. I have lived and continue to live in a way that I discover more about myself every day. One thing this community and lifestyle can teach you are lessons about who you are, what your limits and boundaries are, and what you strive for. Over time these things can change of course, however growth and commitment to self-exploration are essential.

Many of us do this as we go along in this world. It’s not like you go through a phase of life where you learn everything about yourself and then you’re just done all of a sudden. I believe we should be growing and learning until we die. So it’s not exactly reasonable to tell people to not live this lifestyle or begin to explore until they have everything figured out. It is however, reasonable to ask people to at least begin the journey of self-exploration and really start working hard on major issues before they enter into a serious D/s commitment with another human being. Whether it’s issues from childhood or baggage from past relationships – these things should be addressed with serious concern and attention. I’m not saying if you discover something that needs work and you are already in a relationship, to break it off and seclude yourself until you figure it out. However, if you aren’t yet in one – take advantage of this time to sink your teeth into issues that may come up in a dynamic.

Now, many people think this is mostly a D-type issue. That you can’t lead or be in charge of an s-type if you don’t have your own sh** handled. While I agree that if you are a D-type you should certainly be working on yourself and have the ability to maintain control over your own life before taking the lead of someone else’s, I definitely don’t think it only applies to D-types.

S-types also have a responsibility to work on self. We commonly talk about triggers when it comes to play and perhaps working through negative emotional reactions when dealing with poly dynamics or other issues the D-type introduces. However, an s-type needs to also be working on his or her self as an individual. An s-type cannot depend on their D-type for everything. First of all, be a whole human being with individual thoughts, interests, hobbies, and friends. Learn to develop personal boundaries and respect for yourself and those around you. These are all things that will support you in contributing to your relationship and your dynamic. Secondly, heaven forbid the D-type is gone – whether via break up or death. The s-type needs to be able to function independently. Otherwise their choice is what? Flounder around clueless or desperately chase the next relationship which may be unhealthy just because they don’t feel they have a choice? This is not ok.

I grew up with a mom who used to tell me that getting an education is incredibly important no matter my life plan. She would tell me she would fully support me if I decided (after getting a degree) to be a stay-at-home wife and mother for the rest of my days. However, if anything happened to my partner (divorce and death are rarely expected) she would know that at least I had an education to fall back on. This is a very similar concept when it comes to developing yourself independent of your current or future partners.

As a D-type you should encourage your s-type’s growth, as you continue to grow as well. As I mentioned in the beginning of this article, continuously work on self. You can’t afford to ignore major issues. If other people point out a problem, don’t let ego get in the way. Stop and examine what they’re talking about. Be willing to explore and change/work on what you need to.

Know thyself on either side of the slash. It will do you, your partners, and this community a lot of good.

Baadmaster’s Guide to Public Play: Part Three

January 11, 2016 By Baadmaster 1 Comment

In order to live up the title of “Complete Guide,” let’s conclude this series with a collection of tips to make your public play a success. Of course, if you are an advanced player, these tips might seem obvious. Then again, you can use them as a check list to see that you have not forgotten any of them.

• Plan your scene. When you see musicians jam, they usually have their sets planned out. It is not totally free form. Same with public play – especially if it is your first time. You should not just wing it. Have a good idea of what equipment you will be using, what your scene will consist of and the general arc of the play. It need not be a note-for-note plan, but you should not leave a lot to chance – especially if it is your first scene.

• Agree on a safe word. This has been mentioned so many times, even in Fifty Shades for crying out loud, you probably want to punch the computer screen. Don’t. This is rather important and worth repeating. Make sure you not only have a safe word, but also have a safe signal.

• If you are performing rope bondage, watch out for cramping. The sub might not safeword on it, but it can be very painful – and not in a good way. Check in with the sub every once in a while with respect to this issue.

• If you are a hard or heavy player who is new to this particular group or dungeon, introduce yourself – and your submissive – to the host and/or the Dungeon Monitor (DM) and explain what you will be doing in your scene. That way, the DM will know what to expect, know that it is fully consensual, that you are in control and will not step in and stop your scene.

• If you wish to do something super-edgy and dangerous – like flesh hook suspension – you MUST discuss it with the host way before the actual party. (Again, this seems obvious, especially as equipment must be brought in.) This also applies to fire play and knife play.

• Although pain is not a requirement for a successful scene – rope bondage, caging or mummification can all be pain-free – remember what is heavy pain to one submissive can be light pain to another. One pain size does not fit all. The key word here is “communicate.”

• If you only want to watch, fine. Being a voyeur is perfectly acceptable at a play party. But be respectful of another’s scene. It might seem obvious, but do not interfere with any scene in any way.

• If you meet someone new and want to play, negotiate and outline the scene. The bottom should state in no uncertain terms what his/her hard limits are. And the Top should always respect these limits.

• Stick to these negotiated guidelines. Unless you are an experienced couple, stay reasonably within your negotiated limits. For example, if you have negotiated a light caning, keep it light. You might want to push the sub’s soft limits a bit, but don’t use the fact that he/she is immobilized as an excuse to do anything you want.

• Get the audience out of your mind. Concentrate solely on your Dominant or your submissive. Pay close attention to him/her; ignore any comments from those who are watching. Don’t play to the crowd; play to your partner.

• Observe. The Dom/me should be overly observant as to the condition of the sub. Often a submissive is reluctant to “safe.” Or is deep in subspace (which will be covered in subsequent articles) and cannot utter the safe word or even signal. So, don’t just rely on the safe word or safe signal. You don’t want to hurt your sub or have some DM stop your scene when you could just as easily have stopped it, or slowed it down, by yourself.

• Reassure your submissive. Being tied up or flogged in public is scary. Especially if it is his/her first time. Reassure the sub so he/she can relax and enjoy the scene.
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• Don’t neglect aftercare. “Aftercare” is the sum total of the actions a Dominant takes, after a scene, to ease the transition of the submissive from her/his elevated endorphin state back to pre-scene normality. For many submissives, this can be the highlight of the scene!

• Don’t forget to clean and wipe down any equipment that you used.

There is one final thing you should do to make your scene a complete success. Make sure you thank the other person and compliment them on their participation in the scene with you.

But whether you play or not, have fun at the party. That’s what parties are for!

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

2016 BDSM Events

January 5, 2016 By anniebear 7 Comments

UPDATE: Take a look at the comments section for even more events from our readers!

I’m personally extremely excited about this year’s activities! From coast to coast and around the world, it seems our kinky cohorts are pulling out all of the stops and presenting some super intriguing events for 2016! I wanted to compile a list for everyone to enjoy. A lot of these happen to occur in Los Angeles which is arguably a mecca of kinky activity but we’d love to hear about major BDSM events in your neck of the woods so make sure to let us know via email or in the comments below. I’ll be updating this list throughout the year.

JANUARY

Adult Video News Awards a.k.a. The AVNs
Originally reserved for porn stars and adult entertainment enthusiasts, this event now boasts a whole area for BDSM and kink education. Live performances by some of the best kink entertainers can be viewed as well as BDSM after parties. This event brings together all aspects of sex positive with the merging of kink, adult entertainment, and swingers.

FEBRUARY

Sin in the City
This Las Vegas event hosts the International Person of Leather contest but if that’s not your thing there is much much more. There’ll be workshops, socials, and of course play parties!

Dominant Training Series
Master Gabriel will be hosting the very first Dominant Training Series at Sanctuary LAX. This multi-series class will cover many subject on dominance and the skill sets there within. Are you an experienced Dom? This series will give you some eye opening new perspectives you may have never considered. You’re never too experienced to stop learning!

Westcoast Bound
Vancouver has a strong kink community. Join them and many other folks from around the world for Westcoast Bound. This event has multiple tracks for those with differing experience and skill levels and of course, play parties!

MARCH

Kinkfest 2016
Portland, Oregon will host this annual kinky convention. This is an all encompassing event covering many areas and orientations of kink. Vendors will be showing their wares in addition to a line up of classes.

MAY

DomCom LA
This is exactly what it sounds like; a convention for everything BDSM related. Hosted by Sanctuary LAX and some of the hottest FemDoms in the world, this event has everything you can think of including classes, vendors, a human pony show, and much much more! Make sure to come by and say hello to Dexx and anniebear at the Kink Weekly booth.

Frolicon
An Atlanta based convention-this educational oriented event hosts different creative tracks to choose from. Not just for BDSM, this is a melting pot of creativity and personal expression and the choice is up to you for which one you’ll decide on!

Camp Crucible
Though I have not yet attended, Camp Crucible has me extremely excited! It’s kinky camp, it can’t get better than that. Based in the woods in a secret location outside Washington D.C., this camp for adults hosts classes, games, auctions, and more! Clothing is optional and you can come for all or part of this nine day event.

AUGUST

Equus Pony Show
This event hosted by submissann is a dedicated human pony play competition. Come view all of the pony’s and their handlers as they compete for the top prize ribbon! Curious about pony play? This is a great event to watch experienced pony players in action.

Let us know about major kink events in your area!

Help! I’m kinky but my partner is not

December 28, 2015 By anniebear 4 Comments

This article is in response to the numerous questions we receive from readers on this very subject. Usually, the question goes:

“Hello, I’m recently kinky (or have been for many years) but my girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband is not. How can I get them interested in kink and BDSM?”

There are a couple of ways to go about this, but first we have to get one thing out of the way. The debate rages on as to whether or not people are “born” kinky or if it’s a learned hobby or interest or some mix of both. For the sake of this article (and my wishful thinking), we’ll assume almost anyone can have a learned interest in kink.

Assuming you and your partner have a healthy relationship and you (the kinky one) have not been sneaking around behind their back in pursuit of your own kinky pleasures, then we can start from a healthy place of open conversation. You must first broach the subject of kink with your partner. Because of the recent trend in kink friendly movies and books-it should be relatively easy to at least open the conversation. Perhaps ask what they think of the whole Fifty Shades of Gray trend. Ask them if they’ve ever had any past kinky sexual partners or significant others. Find out if there is any history or inclination there. Beyond that, you can explore mutual interests. Often times, it just takes an open conversation making sure that both you and your partner feel safe and not judged in this dialogue to get the ball rolling.

If your partner seems hesitant, you could suggest attending some kink friendly events together as a way of branching out or going on a new adventure. No partner wants to be the stick in the mud and most will be willing to try anything once. Start with a local munch so your partner can see that people interested in kink are just like vanilla people. They eat meals and have normal conversations like everyone else. Help alleviate the stigma that surrounds BDSM. Oftentimes people imagine black lipstick, dark and gothic clothing, and heavy metal music. It’s usually not the case (though that type of scene can be quote fun in its own right!).

In this same vein, it’s important to reinforce to your partner that you are opening up a huge part of yourself to them. You want to include them in this part of your life because you care about them and want to enjoy this with them. As the kinky person, you need to keep in mind that in the end, your partner may not have an interest in kink, and that’s alright. It’s entirely up to you whether or not this is gong to be a deal breaker for you. I personally tried vanilla dating for many years before jumping head first into kink. I would never be able to date a vanilla person for the rest of my life because to me, kink is essential to a balanced and happy relationship. But, many couples find a happy balance between bedroom only kink or maybe some rough sex here and there. It’s what works for you in your relationship.

If your partner feels up for it, try some things in the bedroom behind closed doors. Light play such as tickling, light scratching, a long feather, light bondage, and spanking can open the door to a whole new realm to someone who has never explored kink before. Always have the open door of communication. Stress to your partner that they can talk to you about likes and dislikes. Your partner may feel silly at first, trying all of these crazy new things. Remind them to relax and enjoy the ride, that this is just one more experience you are both trying together.

Most decent sized cities have a ton of events geared towards new people. Check out your local dungeons (kink clubs) and find out about their orientations and tours of the facility. Here in LA, there is a weekly BDSM 101 class taught by our contributor Jenn Masri, and clubs in other cities offer similar types of introductory classes. There are also more advanced classes focusing on every topic under the sun. There are all kinds of play parties, including those catering to male Dom / female sub play (e.g. Gentlemen in Charge) or female Dom / male sub (e.g. Women in Charge of Kink), as well as lots of more general “anything goes” kinds of parties. All of these will have rules and guidelines to assist newer folks along the way. If you happen to live in an area with a lively local kink scene, find events such as these. Though you may not be super new to kink, you’ll want your partner to feel welcome and informed.

Remember, I cannot stress how important it is to handle this topic gently and with an open and honest heart. Give your partner an opportunity to understand and embrace kink. Do not get angry at him or her if ultimately, it is something that are not interested in. Find out what works best for the both of you.

Writer, model, babygirl, submissive. After trying vanilla relationships one time too many, anniebear finally realized her submissive desires and discovered the BDSM community. When not writing for Kink Weekly, she enjoys spankings and being tied with rope.

Subspace and Subdrop

December 21, 2015 By Jenn Masri 2 Comments

Subspace is something you hear about all the time in the scene. If you haven’t experienced it, then it may be this elusive wonderment of mind altering amazingness. If you have experienced it, then you know it can take different forms. It may be a simple state of relaxation, almost meditative, to a feeling compared to an out of body experience. One thing is important to keep in mind. You don’t need to experience subspace to enjoy an amazing scene.

So what is subspace anyway? Subspace can happen due to two different things. One is pain, or physically based. It is basically what happens when various chemicals in your body are released during play. When your body experiences extreme sensations it releases endorphins and adrenaline. These increase pain tolerance and can induce a floaty, trance-like state of mind. One thing I like to compare this to is a runner’s high. It’s the most similar “vanilla” activity I can think of for comparison if you haven’t experienced subspace yet. Bottoms will commonly compare it to feeling drunk, tipsy, or floaty.

The other type of subspace is more psychologically based. The bottom may experience this “spacey” feeling upon kneeling at the start of the scene at their Top’s feet, or feeling their Top’s hand grip their hair. These mental and emotional associations are strong and can cause an instant feeling of relaxation and centeredness. This is typically a lovely feeling that connects the bottom more strongly with their play partner/Top and helps them relax into the scene. It can also help a bottom connect more to their submission.

Keep in mind that with either or both types of subspace – the bottom is in an altered state of mind. This is why I make it a rule to never re-negotiate limits during a scene. It would be equivalent to asking someone to have sex while they’re drunk who had previously said no. Also it’s important to understand that because their pain tolerance is heightened, the Top should maintain awareness of how hard they go with play.

Now. What goes up, must come down.

Subdrop

Once the body has pushed these chemicals into your system, they must eventually regulate. When play is done the body stops releasing extra endorphins, etc and the body’s more regulated system kicks in. The immediate indication of this is typically a decrease in body temperature and a more trance-like state of mind. This is why you will see bottoms in aftercare wrapped in a blanket and looking disconnected. Drop is one reason that aftercare is so important. However, drop can happen hours or days after the scene has ended.

education

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