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Elyssa Rice

Putting The Safe In Safeword

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For as long as I exist in a space of teaching for and existing within the kink community, I will never stop promoting, encouraging and inviting any conversation or action that promotes safety and empowerment. While completely eliminating any risk is not possible and frankly, some risk is welcomed, it is still incredibly important to protect the space and hold firm the boundaries that are agreed upon within any scene. 

Historically, we have been programmed to follow many rules both consciously and unconsciously. Consciously, we subscribe to the laws created for us. We know that a red light means we must stop and if we drive through that light we risk a consequence. We also follow rules unconsciously, playing into the social scripts that have been created for us, like our fixation on socially constructed beauty ideals or that relationships must exist in a certain structure to be valid.  As we reflect on our lives, while we like to think that we are running the show,  there are many areas where we have little to no control. The force that pulls us is often not coming from within but from the outside and let me tell you, that force is strong. 

When safe words are discussed, it is typically in a conversation about safety only but safe words are so much more than that. Safe words allow for us to be empowered in our erotic lives. They allow for us to be vulnerable and to develop deep trust between anyone participating in play. In a world where so much of what we do is controlled and so many of our “nos” get ignored, safe words allow for us to feel the power of having decisions in our own hands. How incredibly freeing to know that we have a decision that we can make that is entirely our own, without influence or pressure by another? Safe words are more than just opting out, they are empowering within. 

I am often asked about the do’s and don’ts of safe words. Where do we begin? When should I use them? How do I choose which one works for me? These questions are all extremely important and while many folks have differing opinions on safe words, I will provide my standard rules. Please note that these rules may not apply to everyone but have been a solid base for myself, my friends and many clients who participate in kink play. 

The first and most important rule of safe words is simply to have them. I have heard the debate many times that folks do not want or need a safe word and of course, we all have the power to make those decisions for our own lives, but I do not in any way encourage that. If you are new to the kink scene, it is paramount that you have safe words integrated into play. Consent and boundary violations are far more likely to occur if safe words do not exist and negative early experiences in the kink world can be highly influential on the future of your kink exploration. 

A safe world simply existing in the realm of your consciousness is not enough. It needs to be shared, discussed and agreed upon. The question often remains, how do I choose one? Well, one of the most important aspects of choosing a safe word is selecting a word that you will not only remember, but one that does not naturally come up within an erotic encounter. Words like “no”, “stop” or “don’t” are often integrated into play and can create confusion within a scene. Safe words should be obscure, but not so much so that they will pull you entirely out of the erotic space. If you pick a word that makes you laugh or uncomfortable, you may struggle to get back into the erotic space if you choose to do so. 

The most common safe words that I have heard are based on the traffic light system. Green indicates complete comfort with where the scene is at and designates consent to continue. Yellow indicates that the comfort zone is being pushed but that there is still consent to continue with the awareness that any further may be too far. Of course, there is red, indicating a full stop. There is no confusion about the use of the full stop safe word. Play stops, period. You and your partner/s have the freedom to choose words that you will use in your play but keep in mind that there needs to be no doubt whatsoever regarding what the words are and what each of them means.  

So, let’s be real for a moment here. There are plenty of situations that an individual can be in where their mouth is not free or their ability to verbally communicate is no longer existent. These are the moments that reinforce the importance of not only having a safe word but having a safe gesture. Whether you agree on squeezing a hand a number of times, tapping out, or creating your own gesture, these are vital for those who play with breath, gags, or any activity where your mouth is full. Erring on the side of caution can only enhance play so having both a safe word and a safe gesture can allow for a safer, more comfortable and more connected experience. 

Now, if a safe word has been established, shared and agreed upon, there is one more component that is crucial to discuss. This is the actual use of safe words. I have heard far too many times stories of individuals hesitant or even against using safe words. The problem with this mindset is that it is doing a disservice to every person involved in the play. Safe words are meant to keep boundaries in place and crossing those boundaries can result in the type of physical and/.or emotional harm that deters folks from playing again in the future. As much as a submissive trusts that their Dominant will adhere to the use of safe words, a Dominant trusts that their submissive will use it if necessary as well. Trust that a safe word will be respected on ALL sides is key to play and if safe words are not used when needed, the boundaries are violated for everyone involved. 

In addition, it is important to note that submissives/bottoms are not the only people that benefit from or are entitled to the use of safe words. Limits can be crossed for all folks within a scene and the idea that Doms do not or should not safe word is problematic and dangerous. All of those involved have the right to opt out of play at any given time and we must remember that boundaries are not limited to only subs and bottoms. 

All in all, the use of safe words is an incredibly important component in kink play. To allow ourselves to be completely immersed in the play with the knowledge that we have the freedom to opt out at any point is what can make the play itself even more intense and powerful. Trust is built when all parties involved adhere to the boundaries created and trust is the key to unlock the endless potential of pleasure that we can all experience.

About The Author

Elyssa Rice is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in the Kink and Alternative Lifestyle community. She is a writer, lecturer and advocate for sexual empowerment and sexual freedom. She has a private practice in Los Angeles, CA and is dedicated to shifting the narrative about both the mental health and Kink community.

Kink In The Time Of Covid

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I would be hard pressed to find something less sexy than a global pandemic. Between heightened emotions, tremendous fear, heartbreaking tragedy and social isolation, we have been thrown into a world that is not only unfamiliar, but unwelcoming. The very ground that we walk on has collapsed and we are experiencing a version of life that no one could have prepared for. Whether we are single or partnered, this shift has resulted in significant changes to our erotic and sexual lives. Relationships that were once solid are now rocky, sex lives that were once full and exciting are now dull and for many, expression and practice of kink is now stifled. 

With dungeons closed, play parties halted and general human to human contact at a minimum, it is increasingly harder for kinky folks to feel connected in a meaningful and fulfilling way. Shifts in the hierarchical structures and foundations of many D/s relationships are leading to an increase in relationship tension and overall emotional and sexual dissatisfaction. What I have witnessed in the last few months both personally and professionally is a shift in all interpersonal relationships but none more powerful than those where kink plays a major role. 

While much of what people are feeling can be traced back to the financial, physical, and emotional strain that the lock downs have had on our well being, there is a piece that remains virtually hidden from the typical discourse about life in the time of Covid. The “how are yous” and “how are you holding ups” are usually meant to gauge how an individual is coping and the typical, perhaps unconscious, intent of those questions is to open the door to complain about the stressful state of our current lives. What is missing from so many conversations are the questions about how their relationships are being impacted, particularly those that exist in a hierarchical structure. 

When we sit and reflect on what makes so many D/s relationships successful, it is that they are often rooted in a firm, negotiated and agreed upon arrangement of how each individual will play, work, and exist within the structure. In times of crisis, these arrangements get shaken up, with roles sometimes needing to shift to accommodate for the change in circumstances. Typically a crisis is short lived, sometimes even anticipated. Often, when a crisis hits, there is an idea of when things will return to “normal” and most importantly, when a crisis hits, we are often surrounded by a social circle, whether that be family, friends, work colleagues or a community, where members lives are relatively unaffected by our crisis allowing for us to lean on outside support to process and move forward. Experiencing collective trauma does come with a beautiful side effect of deep understanding of others and an ability to empathize on a level far greater than what is typical for people.  However, collective pain also means that we cannot receive the level of support that we may need due to the empty emotional tanks that are existing within the folks in our social circle. 

During the lockdown, shifts have occurred both within D/s relationships where partners are cohabiting as well as in relationships where partners live apart.  The common shifts that I have seen recently are shifts in work life, increased job stress, financial insecurity, changes in childcare roles, lack of privacy and for many, the overall inability to see partners due to the restrictions on social gatherings. With all of these changes occurring in and out of the home, it is unsurprising that relationships are beginning to suffer. For some, the impact has been minimal but for others, this has resulted in more tension and conflict in the relationship than ever before. 

So, as we navigate this unknown world with these new relationship challenges for kinky folks, how can we protect and nurture the valuable D/s structures in which our relationships are held up by? I believe that it starts by really understanding what has shifted and the consequences of that shift. Formulating a plan to work on the relationship challenges can only exist if we are able to get to the root of the problem. If a couple is continuously fighting about a certain topic, is it really that topic that is the problem? We need to seek the bigger picture to understand what is happening and therefore how we can start to change it. 

This is the time for high levels of curiosity. Approaching the relationship with curiosity allows for less tension and blame when the sources of the problems begin to arise. In addition, it is a time for creativity to be implemented into relationships in order to keep the flame burning but more importantly, it is a time to reflect on what has been holding the relationship up. What has kept your relationship strong? Is it the clear cut hierarchy that allows for stability? It is the amount of time spent with your partner that gives you security? When we dig deeper we can find that it is typically the loss of the foundation that is the catalyst for the problems that follow and when we find the source we can usually find our way back. 

Once we begin to understand the source of the struggle, it is time to move into the repair and healing phase. Honest, raw, and vulnerable conversations are the key to relationship shifts and fortunately, kinksters are exceptionally good at expressing their needs. Negotiation is fueled by authenticity and I would venture to say that taking those negotiation skills and applying them outside of the D/s dynamic would allow for an environment to be created that could make play even more fun, exciting, and ultimately intimate. When we are so consumed by the turmoil around us, it is easy to lose space, both emotionally and physically, for the relationship. 

In challenging times like these, we need to approach our relationships a bit differently. For dyads who do a bi-weekly or monthly check in, perhaps they need to do it once a week. For folks who are away from their partners, implementing new rituals can be a great way to stay connected. Let’s not forget that even in times that are tough, we can use play to minimize anxiety and cultivate closeness. The scenes may be different and they may occur in a different space but the intent remains the same. While the world may be temporarily closed, the room for exploration and growth remains open. Step into that space and reignite the flame because after this terrible time is over, the flame may be burning brighter than it ever was before. 

About the Author

Elyssa Rice is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in the Kink and Alternative Lifestyle community. She is a writer, lecturer and advocate for sexual empowerment and sexual freedom. She has a private practice in Los Angeles, CA and is dedicated to shifting the narrative about both the mental health and Kink community.