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Dominatrix, Lia Holmgren, gives couples an unconventional type of therapy to help spice up their love lives.
She conducts what she calls “apartment therapy” to help couples achieve their darkest fantasies in a safe, healthy, and cathartic manner.
Why is BDSM, kink and Power Exchange good for you? Here are 10 things:
1) Physical satisfaction
I think this reason is the first one people think about when they think about kink and BDSM. Whether it fulfills sexual desires, sadistic or masochistic tendencies, or hedonistic fantasies get to come alive – many people are drawn to kink and the BDSM lifestyle because they want to explore more when it comes to their physical and sexual wants.
2) Cathartic release
Within that physical satisfaction category there’s a very specific physical goal that some people look for in play. Getting the chance to let it all out and let go. To let the tears fall. Sometimes this just feels good to do every so often. Word of advice – if you’re less familiar with your play partner be sure to discuss crying during the negotiation. The Top may take it as a sign to stop the scene.
3) Natural high
Sub/bottom-space and Dom/Top-space is when hormones and chemicals are released during play that make you feel good. You may feel floaty, meditative, or even a little “tipsy”. This natural high is a big reason why I don’t drink much alcohol anymore! Lol It’s a way to feel high without putting substances in your system.
4) Stress relief
As you’ve read above there are several ways that kink can reduce stress. Allowing for a “good cry”, getting blasted with those “feel good” chemicals, and just having some good old fun! I don’t know many people who can be in the middle of a BDSM scene and are thinking about that bill they need to pay.
5) Improves communication
Not only do you need good communication when it comes to play – you also develop really good communication skills when you’re involved in power exchange relationships. The community talks a lot about “being transparent”. This refers to the kind of communication that really gets to the raw truth. It allows for vulnerability and honesty which leads directly into #6.
6) Creates connection
That transparent communication and honesty helps build trust with your partner. Through vulnerability you find the means to connect with one another that is hard to do otherwise. Play also helps create connection. Not only the physical connection, but also the energy exchange that happens in a scene.
7) Need for consent creates safe space
The act of negotiation and giving consent to things before they happen is paramount to creating a sense of safety. If these things are done responsibly then this space can be precious – especially to the bottom in the scene. This safe space can be a very important element when it comes to #8!
8) Opportunity for exploration
Many folks in the vanilla world, or living a vanilla life have fantasies, kinks, and fetishes that are suppressed. This can be due to personal feelings of shame and/or an unwilling/judgmental partner. This community allows for a safe and consensual way (with other adults) to explore all those deep dark corners of our mind and our fantasies. It allows for a place to let go of societal expectation and enjoy quirky or “silly” things – role-play, pet play, etc. From whimsical to completely taboo – here we can explore all the things.
9) Defined roles = less power struggles
Power exchange relationships contain defined roles. One major advantage I see from this compared to vanilla dynamics is the decrease of power struggles. In the ideal set up each partner knows what is expected and what will happen if expectations aren’t met. Many of the petty arguments I see in vanilla dynamics is due to one or both partners vying for power.
10) Can be used to overcome trauma
This last one gets to another level of seriousness and risk awareness. First I have to say that studies have shown that there is no difference between the BDSM community and vanilla world when it comes to abuse or trauma. However, beyond traditional therapy kinksters are known to use, or receive the benefits of, healing thru play. I will give one common example and you can extrapolate from that. The female kinkster who was raped in college uses scenes that involve rape role-play or degradation to re-create the traumatic event. The difference is that now she has set up the scenario and has the power to stop the scene at any time. OR the opposite – she flips the script and is the Top in that role-play and is the one “in control”. (This topic may become a separate article!)
The point is, overall, that kink, BDSM and power exchange can be really good for a lot of reasons!
Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.