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fear play

Why I Don’t Use Fear As A Submissive Motivator

October 17, 2020 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

 

handcuffs, sex on the bed
via stock.adobe.com

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

Yesterday, I was chatting with a dominant who was boasting about how he had put the “fear of God” into his submissive, so that she would never disobey him. He talked about a sequence of scenes that he  created, whereby she was subjected to her worst fears. In fact, he was particularly proud of how the use  of spiders, a phobia of hers, had made her wet herself in fear. He said that she is now perfectly behaved  and responds immediately to his every demand – since she never wants to relive that experience. 

The conversation turned my stomach, frankly. I know it’s a flavor of fantasy, but it struck me more as  abuse than D/s. Still, it did get me thinking. In many circumstances, punishments are used to establish a  baseline of fear in order to obtain compliance. I’ve often heard of the practice of punishing a new  submissive before they’ve actually done anything wrong – as a means of showing them the consequences of misbehaving and establishing the fear of having to repeat the ordeal. This technique  was even used in “Venus in Furs” upon the signature of the contract, where Wanda told Severin that he  shall feel the bite of the whip, for no reason other than her whim – as a means of solidifying the  agreement and establishing the cost of disobedience. 

As I thought more about it, I found myself considering how I treat my submissives and comparing it to  this technique. I have complete authority over them and can do anything I want to them. Sometimes I  choose to cause them discomfort. Do they fear me? More importantly, do I WANT them to fear me? 

I found my answers in the differentiation between ‘compliance’ and ‘submission’. Compliance is doing  what you’re told; submission is dedicating yourself to the preferences of another. I concluded that,  while there is no doubt that establishing fear is an effective technique for gaining compliance, it is not the best technique for gaining submission. I further concluded that, while I enjoy obedience from my  submissives, I’m not interested in their BLIND obedience. I don’t want obedience to be their goal, I want  it to be the byproduct of their goal. I don’t want them to please me by obeying me, I want them to obey  me because they’re striving to please me. Certainly not doing what I want would not please me and  would make my life more complicated. When the focus of the submissive is to be the best submissive that they can be, their motivation is to strive to deliver top-notch service. So, in order to serve me well,  one of the things they’ll do, is to do what I want them to. What I know for sure, is that I don’t want them  to obey me because they fear the consequences of not obeying me. 

What’s wrong with fear-based motivation? I see a few key issues when you consider submission and not  just compliance: 

• The submissive finds themselves looking for “Outs” – ways to avoid the consequence. The goal is  that they will avoid the consequence by complying with the request. However, if they can avoid  the consequence more easily than complying with the demand, they will – because the  motivation is all about the consequence and not about the request itself. The “Loophole” in the  rule becomes a possibility…and then the dominant is forced to punish use of the loophole…and  round you go.

• The submissive will comply only as much as is needed, to avoid the consequence. Most fear based victims will not attempt to exceed the ask. They will do the minimum to avoid the  consequence. They also will not apply lessons learned to other requests. In other words, unless  there is a specific consequence looming over another task – even one that’s similar to the known  task – the submissive is not motivated to get the job done, as there’s no consequence attached  to that item. The dominant is forced to establish a consequence for every action they wish to  control. 

• The onus of successful completion falls on the dominant! With fear-based motivation, the  dominant must first establish a consequence that’s compelling enough to motivate the  submissive. It must be something that can be actually delivered, as a sub will not be motivated  unless the consequence is real. And it needs to be effective. Should the submissive NOT execute  the demand, it is because the dominant did not establish a fearful enough consequence, did not  consider a loophole, or didn’t apply a consequence to a particular outcome. 

These three points establish obedience as the dominant’s responsibility to enforce. All the sub is doing is  avoiding the consequence they fear. The dominant is busy creating maintaining, and delivering the  consequences. That’s a lot of work and responsibility for the person who’s supposed to be the one being served! 

Contrast this with a submissive who is motivated by their own inner desire to please and serve (and  therefore, obey) their dominant: 

• The dominant is only on the hook for communicating their preferences – then the submissive  takes responsibility for delivering what the dominant wants. The onus of success is on the  submissive.  

• The submissive’s focus is on the results of obedience, not on obedience itself. If the sub  completes the task, that pleases / serves the dominant – and there’s a successful exchange. The  objective is to serve the dominant, not to follow orders.  

• Submissives are much more likely to exceed the dominant’s immediate demand, in an effort to  serve them even better. The better the sub gets in touch with the preferences of their unique  dominant, the better the level of their service becomes. 

While fear-based motivations are quick and don’t require a lot of communication to enact, they lack the  depth of adjustment that submission-based discipline provides. In the short term, and for a specific task,  fear-based may be more efficient, but ultimately, when the submissive is focused on the dominant’s  satisfaction, rather than on themselves (avoiding their own discomfort), there is less work for the  dominant – and the dominant is better served. This is because submissives are more apt to internalize  the dominant’s preferences, and adjust ALL aspects of their behavior in accordance, rather than only a  specific, penalizable action. 

Personally, I haven’t needed to resort to fear-based motivations. I’m glad, because I really don’t want to.  I have found that my submissives are quite capable of providing the self-discipline required to focus on  my satisfaction. We are in a partnership, working together to help them provide the best possible  service and to tune that service uniquely to me. 


Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Tagged With: bdsm, bottom, dom, dominance, domme, fear play, fetish, kink, master, mistress, power exchange, slave, submission, Top

Video: BDSM Fear Play

September 5, 2020 By Depraved Eros 3 Comments

BDSM Fear Play, Its All In The Mind

A lot of what drives BDSM is mental and emotional.

This week Depraved Eros gives us some insight into the exciting world of CONSENSUAL Fear Play along with some DIY tips.

This video is great for novices and veterans alike. With most dungeons closed at this time, the mental component of kink is becoming more important than ever.

Don’t miss this enticing video!

Tagged With: bdsm, bottom, consensual, consent, fear play, fetish, head space, kink, mindfuck, power exchange, sex, sexual fantasy, submissive, subspace, Top

Erotica: A Touch of Trepidation

August 3, 2020 By Joji Sada 2 Comments

woman tied to chair splashed with water
via stock.adobe.com

Tonight I want to fear you. That’s not entirely true.  I could never fear you Sir.  What I really want, is to taste fear. I want to feel the hole in my stomach, the prickling on my skin, and my heart racing.  I want the blood to pound in my head and my chest to rise and fall rapidly.  I want to be disoriented and scared, and pushed to my limit.


I trust you Sir.

I’ve given You the liberties to my body, my mind, and my soul


I’ve let you love me in the most depraved ways.

Because that’s how we are.


Tonight, I want you to love me with fear.  I want to shake and sob because I don’t know what’s going to happen.  I want the lines between our decisions and our limits to be blurred.


I’m cold, Sir.  My body is shaking ever so slightly.  My muscles are tensing trying to hold position.  I’ve been here around ten minutes I’d guess.  
But, you know what happens when I’m cold.
It starts small.  I feel the ache in my hands and feet as the skin starts to stretch and swell.  Then I feel the irritation in my knees.  The cold causes them to itch and welt.  Then the goosebumps start.  They run the length of my arms and up my spine.  They cause my muscles to contract painfully.  Then, the longer I hold it, the more violent my trembling.  The harder it is to breathe.

You’ve kept it cold on purpose.

I know this.  Because, when I’m struggling to hold myself still, I cannot sink into oblivion.  I cannot regulate the pain of play by breathing and counting and disassociating.  I cannot simply close my eyes and bite down and bear it.  

I’m too distracted.


I’ve spread my legs wider than I’m supposed to at this point.  My forehead is resting on the bed, an allowable position if my arms weren’t hanging loosely at my side and my ass wasn’t sitting on my heels.

Every time I breathe in, it’s like breathing menthol.  There’s a spot, right between my brows, that feels like ice with each inhale.  As I exhale, I can hear the tremble of my breath. I’ve given up fidgeting.  I’ve lost track of time.  I’ve given in to my body before we’ve even started.

Just as you planned.

Because the greatest way to start the fear, is to put me in a position where my only outcome will lead to disappointment.

We both know that my body has more limits in the cold.  We both know, leaving me naked and waiting is going to wear me down. But I haven’t spoken.  And you haven’t even started yet.


I missed the sound of the door opening.  You always walk so silently but I’m usually much more in tune with your movements.

I feel sluggish.  Like everything is in slow motion.

I feel the point of your knife against my spine.  I inhale sharply as you drag it up my sensitive skin.  It burns Sir.  It burns like it’s been heated.  You trail it up and down with purpose, but you haven’t spoken yet.  Other than the slow torture, you don’t seem to acknowledge i’m even here.

You yank my hair and pull my head back hard.  It tightens my airway and I feel the point of your knife right below my chin.  You drag it so slowly.  I’m trying not to move and in desperately trying to meet your eyes but you won’t look at me.  Your eyes are focused on my chest.  

What are you looking for?  Why won’t you meet my eyes?  Is it to make me panic?  Is it to stop me from finding my center?

I’m beginning to wonder if I am ready for what I’ve asked for.


You kicked my legs farther apart.  My thighs are straining with the effort.  You slid the knife between my knees, laying it on the floor a hairsbreadth away from my crotch.  I know better than to rest against it.  Not only is it bad form, but then I would be dirtying your shine.  I don’t need that punishment right now.

You’ve moved behind me now.  My eyes slide closed as the blindfold goes on.  I’m surprised when a knotted rope slips between my teeth, pulling tight against my cheeks.  Then, the hood.

How I hate that hood with a passion.  You know how much I panic when I feel alone and vulnerable.

The fabric pulls against my nostrils and mouth as my breathing increases.  I’m straining to hear you.  I’m tempted to move but you’ve fixed that issue.
The rope is threaded through my D-ring and wrapped from elbow to wrist.  It pulls at my shoulders and brings my back straight.

I know with certainty why you bound me.  It’s not something you normally do.  You did it solely to make me vulnerable.  You know I would fight the urge to reach for you.  You love seeing the beads of sweat down my brow as I’m trying to hold myself together for you.  

Today, you are testing me.  You have taken my number one fear, silence, and amplified it.

You’ve left me cold, my nerves on fire, and my senses taken.

You’ve left me in a state of shock.

You’ve left me…


I’m convinced you’ve left me down here alone Sir.  

It’s so cold and so dark.

When I asked you to make me afraid, I had a very different vision than this.  I imagined being thrown around like a rag doll.  I imagined harsh words and an audience to humiliate me.  I even imagined you might let someone else touch me.

But, I never imagined it would all be in my head.

My eyes are burning.  I’m afraid you’ve left me alone down here and the silence is deafening.

I finally dropped.  My head fell forward, my chin to my chest, and I’m shifting on my knees.  I’m restless and scared and desperate to find you.

*Thwack*

I screamed in both shock and pain at the intensity of the hit.  If I was in a state to guess, I’m betting I was kissed by your snake whip.

*Thwack**Thwack*

I’m trying to curl back.  You’ve hit each breast and my stomach.  Every time you strike me, I move.  Every time I move, you strike me.

Over and over again, you kiss my skin.  It hurts and I’m crying.  I’m hiccupping around the gag.  

I can’t breathe.  That’s exactly what your aim is, I’m sure of it.  Pain is much harder to enjoy when I can’t sink into it.

I don’t remember the strikes stopping.  But I remember the hood being yanked from my head and your fist in my hair.

I remember your hand slapping me and you letting me fall sideways to the floor.  

I can still feel the rubber of your boot against my reddened cheek.  I remember the pressure and the pain in my ass as you smacked it, over and over again.  I’m not even sure what you used.  

I’m begging for mercy in my head.  But I’m not ready to give in.  When you move back, I’m trying desperately to bring my knees back under me.  I’m trying to be good and give you access to my body.

My legs are wobbling so bad.  I’m trying to hear you through the rushing in my ears.  I know you are talking.  I’m convinced it’s about how much I’m failing.

Rule number one: if you have not been told to move, you stay in position.
You’ve told me often enough that you get such Sadistic pleasure watching me fall out of position and having to out myself back into place.  That’s why you rarely bind me.  Because good girls know how to stay put.

I’m afraid I’ll never be good enough.  I’m afraid I’ll never be enough.I’m afraid I’ll always be too…

Broken.


I don’t remember much Sir.  I’m having trouble remembering what happened after I struggled to kneel up.

The next thing I remember is being laid out across the floor, free of restraints, with my head in your lap and your palm against the back of my neck.

As the sounds of water cleared from my ears, I can hear you talking.  My eyes are closed, they feel so heavy.  I’m shivering but sweating profusely.
“I’m so proud of you”. That’s the first thing I hear.

And I sob.

Your hand rubs up and down my back and I can hear you encourage me to let go.  That you’re here for me and you love me and it’s going to be ok.
I don’t know how long you held me before I opened my eyes.  I looked up at yours, still feeling dazed.  You meet them and give me three kisses to my forehead.

“You did so good, my little piggie.  Such a good pain slut”. Even after all of that, you know just how to make me smile.

I asked you to make me afraid.

You did that.  Even if I don’t remember all of it.

But, as you stood up, and I moved to kiss your boots, all I felt was peace.
Even in the darkest moments of play and the depths of a panicking mind, I will never fear you Sir.

That’s a promise.


Erotic fiction on Kink Weekly is for entertainment purposes only. It is not intended as a guide for how to do BDSM yourself. Always obtain explicit, enthusiastic consent from your partner before incorporating any element in your BDSM sessions, and maintain the ability for them to withdraw consent at any time during the scene, using a safeword or similar.

Tagged With: cold, erotica, fear play, hood, knife play, temperature play, water play

Responsible Fear Play

October 31, 2016 By Jenn Masri 6 Comments

Scared woman victim of domestic torture and abuse

Fear play is not usually something people jump into right away when they’re new to the scene. Although, even if you think you’ve never done any fear play, you might be wrong. Fear play runs on a long spectrum much like most other things. Ever been spanking a bottom again and again and again then suddenly stop and give pause, only to surprise them with one hard smack! That pause, even though it’s subtle, can cause momentary fear in the bottom. Not knowing what will come next – for example putting a blindfold on them – can cause fear. It may be showing them a scary toy, then blindfolding them and, in reality, using something that merely feels like you might be using the “scary” toy but you’re not. As you advance to certain implements, like single tails or dragonstails, or even canes – you may strike it or crack it hard nearby to make them jump. All of these things can be considered fear play. Heck, sometimes just making them think you’ve left them alone on the cross or bench can be a total mind fuck – yet we know that a responsible Top would never actually do this.

Some types of fear play I don’t recommend unless it’s with a trusted and long term partner. One example of this is a story I know of a female Dom with her slave and the slave had a hard limit of breaking his skin. She first showed him a knife then blindfolded him. She’d done non-cutting knife play before so he thought nothing of it. Using a toothpick and warm honey she pretended to “accidentally” cut him. Scared the crap out of him. He didn’t know it wasn’t real until after the scene. People have also used fake versions of real phobias to create fear. For example, if the bottom is arachnophobic (spiders) then using plastic spiders in the scene can cause intense fear. Even if they know they’re fake – it’s based on a phobia which amplifies the emotional response. Making them hold them or placing them on the bottom’s body could be scarier than the whip or staple gun in your hand!

Now, this brings me to an important point. In the case of a real phobia DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT use or do the real thing. Using the example above, never put a real live spider on a bottom who is arachnophobic. If someone is claustrophobic be VERY careful about using sensory deprivation and especially things like hoods or gas masks. Even if something seems harmless to you, these are illogical, yet real, fears. To the bottom this type of extreme fear play can cause traumatic psychological results. Plus they probably won’t ever want to play with you again!

So while fear play can be awesome, remember that there are different levels. Base what you do on the experience and trust you have with your play partner and always do it responsibly. While I appreciate getting new clients in my therapy office, this shouldn’t be the reason!

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. We are delighted to have her as a columnist for KinkWeekly, offering particular insight into some of the common challenges that kinky people face in their relationships and journey in the lifestyle.Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Tagged With: fear play, scene ideas

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