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Why I Find Feminization Fantasies Insulting

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

A very popular fantasy among submissive men, is the desire to be “forced” to be dressed like a woman.  Whenever I’ve heard this fantasy, I’ve challenged it: Why do men feel that dressing like a woman is  humiliating or degrading? They say they worship women, but then feel that being more like one is an  embarrassment. 

I’ve heard lots of reasoning based on what it’s like to grow up being a man – and the stresses of retaining  and demonstrating masculinity. That only a very powerful force would make a man go against that  masculinity – and therefore, is exciting to the man if he is made to be that way. 

My attitude has always been, live and let live – if someone gets turned on by it, then fine…let them. It’s  just not for me – and my submissives will not be engaging in it. Your kink is not my kink…and move on. I  still do feel that way, but I’ve always disliked the fantasy and found it denigrating…but I never really  could put my finger on exactly why it bothered me.  

Then, this morning, I was reading a post on FetLife from a friend of mine, @Miss_Malloree, who said: 

Am I the only one who’s noticed that there are very few men who fantasize about  being the woman who breaks through the glass ceiling at a major corporation, or  who owns and successfully manages a professional sports franchise, or who is elected president? As others have commented, they all seem to envision themselves  as being at the bottom of the food chain, rather than the top. 

And I said, “Holy Crap!” 

This is it…this is at the crux of why the fantasy is so distasteful to me. Maybe you’ve always seen this,  but for me, this was a revelation. 

The fantasy most submissive men have regarding cross dressing, is to become the “Sissy”, the “Slut”, the  “Maid”, the “Prostitute”, the “Geisha”. They’re not just pretending to be any woman, they’re pretending  to be a particular type of woman – one who is not high-achieving, or well thought of in society. They are  highlighting the (as Malloree says) bottom of the food chain. 

What that says to me is that, this is what these men really feel women are. Oh, I’m sure they’ll argue  that they recognize that women are successful and capable, smart and intelligent – but in reality – when  push comes to shove – women are maids, sluts, and sex-objects. Malloree suggested female corporate  executives and business people, but the fantasy falls short of even middle tier jobs: Teachers, Scientists,  Fire or Police professionals. No…they are going to be dressed up, overly made up, loose…forced to  “suck cock”. That’s the imagery they have – and they want – consciously, or sub-consciously.

Worse still, the presumption is that a dominant woman, given all the power that she has, will want to  convert him into that type of woman…as a means to embarrass him! 

I can hear the argument: That the lower level role is part of the humiliation. Sorry – I’m not buying it.  Why the focus on gender? Why not just be turned into a lower-class man? Forced to be a gigolo, or a  bum? No…this is LINKED to a gender swap. This is about weakness and vulnerability as a function of  being a woman. Being a man in this position is not low enough. They are implying that a lower-class  woman is lower on the food chain than a lower-class man. The lowest of the low. 

I have come to realize that the fantasy highlights what these men really feel about women. I’ve always  known the fantasy was insulting – but never quite understood why I felt that way. Now, I have clarity. I  wanted to share this with you and would love your thoughts! 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

How To Craft A Successful Feminization Scene

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Reader: My submissive is a part-time drag queen. We’re interested in trying a multi-day feminization scene. I’m not certain of techniques to keep it going for such a long time without the scene becoming boring. Can you spare any advice, tips, or information?

Since this is a multi-day scene you are attempting, I feel there are safety issues as well as boredom ones here. After all, a multi-day scene is unusual enough to be exciting in and of itself! So, let’s talk about safety.
Now without being privy to your actual game plan – and the specifics of your relationship – much of this advice will be laid out in general terms. That said, let’s examine the safety issues. (I think by now I can skip the sterilization admonitions that come with this pandemic; they have been covered ad-infinitum).

In your scene, safety concerns are less the physical ones than the emotional or psychological ones. Obviously, you should both agree on a safe word and a safe signal. But the presence of a safe word/signal, in this type of scene, does not by itself guarantee safety. That is because it is not the physical aspects of forced feminization scenes that are the most dangerous. For most players, these scenes present few physical dangers (excepting cock & ball torture and such — which might or might not be part of your scene). Despite the lack of true physical danger, forced feminization scenes can be very, very, very (notice the multiple “very’s”!) intense. They, by their very nature, enter into areas that can be psychically sensitive.

In your case, you are about to embark on a multi-day scene. When doing a scene over such an extended time frame, you can wander into areas that you might not ordinarily enter into – both good and bad. The bad aspects can be traced to the fact that psychic reactions can run deeper here than in your typical one or two hour scene. Oft times “forced feminization” scenes bring up gender identity and humiliation issues that are usually self-limiting in a shorter scene.

One thing working in your favor is that your submissive already is a part time drag queen. Thus, “forced feminization” is something, I am sure, he has already fantasized about. But, you must be totally aware of how far he wants you to take it and what his limits are. Does he have true transgender needs that a long scene of this nature might have an effect on? Transgender issues are not to be toyed with. These are serious, and very delicate, aspects of the human psyche.

You should also grasp the scope of the scene so as to stop it — even without a safe word being uttered. If you see that your submissive is having problems within the scene, you must be sensitive enough to go slow, alter it or stop it on your own.

You must really have a deep understanding of your submissive before you get into areas where gender identity is played with. As the Top, you must not cross those boundaries that can cause psychic damage to your submissive. A short one-hour play scene is one thing. A multi-day scene is another thing entirely.

A long scene of extreme duration has a totally different dynamic than your average short scene. Let me give you a real life example. A slave I know had no trouble being caged for a few hours. But when her Master wanted to cage her for three days, she refused to partake – even at risk of their relationship. (In fact, this incident destroyed it.) Long time frames radically alter the actual act itself.

In your case, since this is a first-time scene for you, you must be acutely aware of the multi-day aspects of it. If you are diligent about keeping control over your scene at all times, understand your submissive very well and grasp the danger inherent in your scene, you will be able to have an awesome experience.

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.