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gender queer

Is Gender Identification Working Against Eliminating Gender Bias?

August 19, 2021 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all my articles in KinkWeekly! 

This week, I’m going to step outside of power dynamics, just a bit, and muse on an observation that I’ve  been mulling over quite a bit. I will warn you that this is a difficult subject, it will likely be a controversial  position, and it may trigger some knee-jerk reactions in folks. I ask that you read this with an  understanding that I am not passing judgement on anyone who chooses to self-identify their gender.  Everyone has the right to be happy in their bodies, and to feel natural in who they are. Please  understand, I’m in favor of it…but I do see an issue that I’d like to discuss and would love to get your  feedback on. It’s important to also state that I’m discussing gender identification, not sexual orientation. 

In my perfect world, gender stereotypes would be eliminated. The notion that “this is what a female  does” and “this is what a male does”, or “this is what a female is capable of” and “this is what a male is  capable of” would be moot – because everyone could do anything, feel any way, and act however they  do. “This is what I do and what I’m capable of, regardless of my sex” makes the most sense to me. This  is, to me, the ultimate goal. Your goal may not be the same, I recognize that – but I think this would make a much better world for everyone. 

The move towards self-identification makes sense: People have the right to feel comfortable being the  person they perceive themselves to be. People are encouraged to step out of the “confines” of their  physical self and live and be seen from their minds. I know that’s the best way to live. 

However, it strikes me that the very concept of self-gender-identification brings us FURTHER from my  ultimate-goal of bias elimination. My goal is to think about people as people – and to value them as  people. Yes, they will be male and female (sex), but the notion that there are “feminine” and  “masculine” abilities, actions, capabilities, strengths, and weaknesses creates biases and encourages  presumption based on gender. I want to eliminate those stereotypes. What I find is that, in many ways,  self-identifying as male or female gender – or even identifying as genderless – relies on, and supports, the very prejudices, stereotypes, and biases that would need to elimination to reach my goal! 

Consider, if someone says that their biological sex is male, but they identify as a woman, they are stating  that they have an image – a definition – of what “a woman” is: How the female gender acts, feels,  behaves, thinks, etc. They are stating that they perceive themselves in this imagery. Rather than just  saying, “I’m male (sex) and I act, feel, behave, and think like ‘X’, ‘Y’, ‘Z’”, and expect to acceptance that  way, they assign ‘X’, ‘Y’, and ‘Z’ to the female gender. They LABEL and DEFINE the gender with their imagery (bias) of that gender! 

To me, this is working backwards. Even stating that you have no gender, implies that you know what  genders “look like” – and you don’t fit that definition. You must define something to exclude yourself from it. 

Look, I recognize that the world sees gender and has biases. I’m not naïve enough to think that we’re  anywhere close to eliminating the notions of gender stereotyping – and I can see the value in being able to self-identify as a gender – if for nothing less than highlighting that the traits associated with gender  are not associated with sexuality. The world needs a slap in the face – I get that. However, I fear that the longer we define “female” and “male” gender traits, behavior, and capabilities – the longer we promote  the imagery associated with genders – the stronger the bias becomes – and the harder it will be to eliminate. 

What I’d like to see is a world where people stop making assumption about gender ability, capability, attitude, approach, behavior, dress, etc. and treat each person as an individual with equal opportunity  to develop their potential in all areas. I want people to be comfortable and natural in their skin – to  dress the way they feel most comfortable – to act the way that’s most natural for them – and be  measured on their actions rather than their gender. I want to remove the implications of labels – and I  feel the best way to do that, is to stop using the labels entirely. 

I welcome your opinion. 


Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Tagged With: gender, gender identity, gender non-conformity, gender queer

This week in kink: August 2, 2021

August 1, 2021 By Desdemona 2 Comments

Don’t miss the fabulous art of Dayna Danger from The Georgia Straight!


SF LeatherWalk to return this fall!

Click below to read more from the Bay Area Reporter!


Learn more about Michelle Handelman, an amazing individual that paved the way for the gender non-conformity movement!

Click below to find out more from Filmmaker Newsletter!

“If Something Gives Me the Chills, or If I Ever Think, ‘Is This Too Much?’, Then I Know I Have to Use It”: Michelle Handelman on the 25th Anniversary Rerelease of BloodSisters: Leather, Dykes And Sadomasochism

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm community, fetish, gender non-conformity, gender queer, kink, Leather Community, leather family, Leathermen, LGBTQ, non-binary, queer

This week in kink: May 17, 2021

May 14, 2021 By Desdemona 2 Comments

Learn more about Mistress Marley and her Pro Domme journey with Daily Star!

Click below to find out more!


Into astrology?

Into BDSM?

Then, check out this awesome article linking the two from elite daily!


Check out this riveting article on the best gender fluid sex positions!

Click below to find out more from The Banner!

6 Gender-Fluid Sex Positions to Have Fun With Your Partner

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Tagged With: bdsm, fetish, gender identity, gender queer, kink, Sex Work Community, sex worker rights, sex workers

How To Craft A Successful Feminization Scene

September 12, 2020 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

Reader: My submissive is a part-time drag queen. We’re interested in trying a multi-day feminization scene. I’m not certain of techniques to keep it going for such a long time without the scene becoming boring. Can you spare any advice, tips, or information?

Since this is a multi-day scene you are attempting, I feel there are safety issues as well as boredom ones here. After all, a multi-day scene is unusual enough to be exciting in and of itself! So, let’s talk about safety.
Now without being privy to your actual game plan – and the specifics of your relationship – much of this advice will be laid out in general terms. That said, let’s examine the safety issues. (I think by now I can skip the sterilization admonitions that come with this pandemic; they have been covered ad-infinitum).

In your scene, safety concerns are less the physical ones than the emotional or psychological ones. Obviously, you should both agree on a safe word and a safe signal. But the presence of a safe word/signal, in this type of scene, does not by itself guarantee safety. That is because it is not the physical aspects of forced feminization scenes that are the most dangerous. For most players, these scenes present few physical dangers (excepting cock & ball torture and such — which might or might not be part of your scene). Despite the lack of true physical danger, forced feminization scenes can be very, very, very (notice the multiple “very’s”!) intense. They, by their very nature, enter into areas that can be psychically sensitive.

In your case, you are about to embark on a multi-day scene. When doing a scene over such an extended time frame, you can wander into areas that you might not ordinarily enter into – both good and bad. The bad aspects can be traced to the fact that psychic reactions can run deeper here than in your typical one or two hour scene. Oft times “forced feminization” scenes bring up gender identity and humiliation issues that are usually self-limiting in a shorter scene.

One thing working in your favor is that your submissive already is a part time drag queen. Thus, “forced feminization” is something, I am sure, he has already fantasized about. But, you must be totally aware of how far he wants you to take it and what his limits are. Does he have true transgender needs that a long scene of this nature might have an effect on? Transgender issues are not to be toyed with. These are serious, and very delicate, aspects of the human psyche.

You should also grasp the scope of the scene so as to stop it — even without a safe word being uttered. If you see that your submissive is having problems within the scene, you must be sensitive enough to go slow, alter it or stop it on your own.

You must really have a deep understanding of your submissive before you get into areas where gender identity is played with. As the Top, you must not cross those boundaries that can cause psychic damage to your submissive. A short one-hour play scene is one thing. A multi-day scene is another thing entirely.

A long scene of extreme duration has a totally different dynamic than your average short scene. Let me give you a real life example. A slave I know had no trouble being caged for a few hours. But when her Master wanted to cage her for three days, she refused to partake – even at risk of their relationship. (In fact, this incident destroyed it.) Long time frames radically alter the actual act itself.

In your case, since this is a first-time scene for you, you must be acutely aware of the multi-day aspects of it. If you are diligent about keeping control over your scene at all times, understand your submissive very well and grasp the danger inherent in your scene, you will be able to have an awesome experience.


After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Tagged With: bdsm, cross dressing, drag queen, feminization scene, fetish, gender queer, gender roles, kink, LGBTQ

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