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Is Gender Identification Working Against Eliminating Gender Bias?

August 19, 2021 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

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via stock.adobe.com

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all my articles in KinkWeekly! 

This week, I’m going to step outside of power dynamics, just a bit, and muse on an observation that I’ve  been mulling over quite a bit. I will warn you that this is a difficult subject, it will likely be a controversial  position, and it may trigger some knee-jerk reactions in folks. I ask that you read this with an  understanding that I am not passing judgement on anyone who chooses to self-identify their gender.  Everyone has the right to be happy in their bodies, and to feel natural in who they are. Please  understand, I’m in favor of it…but I do see an issue that I’d like to discuss and would love to get your  feedback on. It’s important to also state that I’m discussing gender identification, not sexual orientation. 

In my perfect world, gender stereotypes would be eliminated. The notion that “this is what a female  does” and “this is what a male does”, or “this is what a female is capable of” and “this is what a male is  capable of” would be moot – because everyone could do anything, feel any way, and act however they  do. “This is what I do and what I’m capable of, regardless of my sex” makes the most sense to me. This  is, to me, the ultimate goal. Your goal may not be the same, I recognize that – but I think this would make a much better world for everyone. 

The move towards self-identification makes sense: People have the right to feel comfortable being the  person they perceive themselves to be. People are encouraged to step out of the “confines” of their  physical self and live and be seen from their minds. I know that’s the best way to live. 

However, it strikes me that the very concept of self-gender-identification brings us FURTHER from my  ultimate-goal of bias elimination. My goal is to think about people as people – and to value them as  people. Yes, they will be male and female (sex), but the notion that there are “feminine” and  “masculine” abilities, actions, capabilities, strengths, and weaknesses creates biases and encourages  presumption based on gender. I want to eliminate those stereotypes. What I find is that, in many ways,  self-identifying as male or female gender – or even identifying as genderless – relies on, and supports, the very prejudices, stereotypes, and biases that would need to elimination to reach my goal! 

Consider, if someone says that their biological sex is male, but they identify as a woman, they are stating  that they have an image – a definition – of what “a woman” is: How the female gender acts, feels,  behaves, thinks, etc. They are stating that they perceive themselves in this imagery. Rather than just  saying, “I’m male (sex) and I act, feel, behave, and think like ‘X’, ‘Y’, ‘Z’”, and expect to acceptance that  way, they assign ‘X’, ‘Y’, and ‘Z’ to the female gender. They LABEL and DEFINE the gender with their imagery (bias) of that gender! 

To me, this is working backwards. Even stating that you have no gender, implies that you know what  genders “look like” – and you don’t fit that definition. You must define something to exclude yourself from it. 

Look, I recognize that the world sees gender and has biases. I’m not naïve enough to think that we’re  anywhere close to eliminating the notions of gender stereotyping – and I can see the value in being able to self-identify as a gender – if for nothing less than highlighting that the traits associated with gender  are not associated with sexuality. The world needs a slap in the face – I get that. However, I fear that the longer we define “female” and “male” gender traits, behavior, and capabilities – the longer we promote  the imagery associated with genders – the stronger the bias becomes – and the harder it will be to eliminate. 

What I’d like to see is a world where people stop making assumption about gender ability, capability, attitude, approach, behavior, dress, etc. and treat each person as an individual with equal opportunity  to develop their potential in all areas. I want people to be comfortable and natural in their skin – to  dress the way they feel most comfortable – to act the way that’s most natural for them – and be  measured on their actions rather than their gender. I want to remove the implications of labels – and I  feel the best way to do that, is to stop using the labels entirely. 

I welcome your opinion. 


Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Tagged With: gender, gender identity, gender non-conformity, gender queer

This week in kink: January 11, 2020

January 10, 2021 By Desdemona 2 Comments

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Many think that being a kinkster is linked to trauma. However, a recent scientific study has disbanded this ideology.

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BDSM has become more normalized in recent years (key word being “more.” In a lot of areas it’s still not widely accepted, and is still viewed as deviant/taboo).

With this being said, Feminism in India touches on the normalization of kink, feminism, dominance/submission, history, and how this all relates to the expression of sexuality, gender, and the current political climate.

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We Need To Talk About The Normalisation Of BDSM

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm community, bdsm news, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm scene, dominant, feminism, fetish, gender, history, kink, Kink Research, pornhub, psychology, Science, sex, sex research, sexual fantasy, sexual safety, sexuality, submissive, trauma

Gynosupremacy, The Internet, and The Loss of Individuality

December 27, 2020 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

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via stock.adobe.com

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

My brain-dump of the day started with a response to a question about whether the dominant women in  our group have their submissives serve “all women” with whom they come in contact; to yield to  women as superiors and to enslave themselves by virtue of gender. 

I had heard this concept before, and had always thought of it as a male fantasy. I had always assumed  that the allure of every woman being their superior; the thought that they were “under” every woman – was an imagery men craved. It just struck me as a convenient way for men to live in a titillated state  throughout the day and, frankly, to push their kink onto unsuspecting – and non-consenting women.  However, I was surprised to find that some of the women in the room not only had given that very order  to their submissives, but truly believed in gynosupremacy. 

I questioned those that had ordered their subs to treat all women as superiors as to whether the idea  was theirs or their submissive’s. Most either admitted that the guy had been first to recommend it, or  that they couldn’t recall who suggested it first…that it just kind of “became a thing.” However, there  were a couple of women who proudly stated that it was their original directive. I questioned their  rationale. The discussion became lively. 

I had addressed the concept of “supremacy” in my books before that discussion and started down the  logic trail. For me, submission is a dedication to an individual and I feel that when you generalize based  on a trait, you lose individuality. I related it to feeling commoditized by gender-related bias. I posited: 

“Can you see how a blanket statement about women in general being superior, makes  none of us special? I’m not just a woman. What is it about ME that makes someone want to submit TO ME? As opposed to any other women, for example? Am I just the  most convenient woman around right now? If not me, will the next woman do? Is what  makes me special that I have a vagina – and am willing to allow someone to serve me?  No thank you! 

The notion that someone’s gender is all that’s necessary to warrant submission dilutes the value of that submission. Submission is a dynamic between two people, not between  two genders. Furthermore, if you define gender as an identity, then are we implying  that, if someone identifies as a man, they are not superior – but if they decide to identify  as a woman, they are? I’m sorry, but that would confuse me!” 

I think it’s safe to assume that, when we look at women and men as individuals, rather than as  generalized men and women, we see their strengths and weaknesses. There are individual character  traits that could make someone a very good, or a very poor dominant – or a very good, or a very poor  submissive, irrespective of their gender. It’s not the existence or lack of existence of a “Y” chromosome  (or one’s gender identity) that makes someone dominant or submissive. All men are really NOT  alike…nor are all women. I know many women who I would follow anywhere – and others who I would  never follow … EVER.

I started asking about the nature of their dynamics. Surprisingly, a majority had online relationships  with their submissives. Many of the relationships in the room were either completely limited to the  internet, or predominantly remote with occasional real-life interaction. 

That then got me going on the impact of the digital world on individuality. I started to consider that the  number of relationships people establish (at all levels of seriousness and of all relationship types) with  people they have never, or seldom met – and don’t really know, is growing due to the internet. It brings  people with similar interests together and improves the efficiency of the compatibility filtering process.  Additionally, the allure of anonymity is strong, particularly for people exploring an “edge” interest. But this remoteness is a double-edged sword. The worlds of reality and fantasy blend on the internet. You’re  never really certain who you’re with – as there are few immediate repercussions to your actions. 

I began to wonder if the notion that “all women are worthy of submission” stems, in part, from being  able to interact with people without knowing them. Does the internet make a partner easier to sculpt in  general terms – and to create an image of a person that matches your fantasy? I think it’s pretty clear that it does. 

In fact, I believe this image-creation phenomenon is also largely to blame for the number of men who  believe that a woman will jump at the opportunity to dominate them, just because they’re willing to be  dominated. If you’re a dominant woman with an online identity, you’ve very likely been approached, multiple times, by men who have already decided to submit to you, without knowing you at all – and  then, who are hurt if you don’t want them to serve you without getting to know one another!  

I’m also certain that there are a number of you reading this today, who have been disappointed – or  even hurt – when the imagery presented online and the reality of present-relationships don’t match. Or  when you yourself don’t seem to live up to the imagery that was projected onto you. 

Part of the allure – and the primary reason for the failure – of the internet for creating relationships is  that partners become commodities. You live in the fantasy of your imagination for a period of time, and  when that burns out, you move on to the next online partner. Imagining that every woman is a superior  – or that every male is an underling – is a generalization that is highly supported by the way the online  world masks our individuality. 

I find generalizations, as a rule, to be troublesome (irony intended). I find the notion of supremacy (in  any flavor: Female, Male, Black, White, etc.) particularly distasteful on many levels. I am an individual. I  want to be treated as an individual and I want to receive my due based on the merits of who I am, how I  think, and what I do. If someone wants to submit to me, they had better be prepared to explain what it  is about ME that compels you to make that type of commitment. What separates me from all others like  me. If they’re going to submit, they will submit to what’s between my ears, not what’s between my legs! 


 Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, femdom, fetish, gender, kink, power exchange, sex, sexual fantasy

This week in kink: June 11, 2018

June 11, 2018 By Desdemona 4 Comments

hooper-crypto-120Dirk Hooper Professional Photography-http://www.dirkhooper.com/

Be sure to check out Dirk Hooper’s amazing photography in this week’s issue!


About Dirk Hooper

Dirk Hooper is an award-winning fetish photographer, professional writer, audiobook narrator, podcasting producer and host, journalist for the fetish community, BDSM mentor, and adult personal branding and marketing consultant for Sexy Networking.

 Dirk Hooper won Best Fetish Photographer at the 2017 Fetish Awards in St. Petersburg Florida. As a fine-art fetish photographer, Hooper’s work has been exhibited in England, the Netherlands, Belgium, China and all over the United States.  His work is part of the permanent collections of the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University and the Leather Archives and Museum in Chicago, Illinois. Dirk Hooper’s work has been published in magazines like Skin Two, Von Gutenberg, Fet Erotica and Sinical Magazine.  His work was published in the German hardcover art book “Fetish Fantasies: The Best of International Fetish Photography.” He has done professional photography for bands, books, posters and the adult film industry.  Hooper co-founded the alternative modeling site Toxic Goddess.  He offers his photography services for portraits and commercial projects.

 Hooper’s articles have recently been published at Business Insider, Inc. Magazine, HuffPost, Slate Magazine, The Sporting News, MSN Sport, and Quartz. He has won the Quora Top Writer award for the past two years. He has also been published as a comic writer, a poet, and performed numerous copywriting assignments for professional and private clients. He is currently working on an erotic novel and a non-fiction book about social networking.

Dirk Hooper is the Host and Executive Producer of “The Fetish Show.”  He has also recently launched a new podcast about success and inspiration titled, “The Dirk Side.” Hooper has been podcasting since 2005 and has produced hundreds of hours of shows over several networks. His first audiobook narration was for the Suzanne Steele novel “Glazov.”

  Dirk Hooper does journalism for the BDSM and fetish community through The Fetish Show News, FETISHWEEK articles, the Daily Fetish Chronicle and freelance writing.  Hooper’s award-winning website, http://www.DirkHooper.com features a gallery of his work, informational articles and is the home of “FETISHWEEK.”

 Hooper’s inspiration for his work is an extension of his interests and experience in the BDSM and fetish community.  He is a BDSM mentor and has helped guide or train both dominants and submissives.

 Hooper works as a consultant on personal branding, social networking, SEO, copywriting, design and marketing through his Sexy Networking business at http://SexyNetworking.com.


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New to kink? Not new but want to brush up on skills or just enjoy a play party with fresh energy?  CLUB AWAKENING is what you’re looking for!

Club Awakening is a party that was designed for newbies in the BDSM scene.  It’s been a monthly party since March 2016 at Sanctuary LAX. This party includes 4 set tasting booths plus one surprise booth each month.  The set booths are hands on play (spanking, face slapping, etc), crops/canes/paddles, flogging, and rope. You can either feel what these things feel like as a bottom or learn how to do these things as a Top – or both!  We even have several volunteer practice bottoms to lend a helping hand (aka butt) so you can practice even without a play partner. Other volunteers float the venue to answer questions and help point you in the right direction.

There are also 2-3 vendors and a midnight raffle – with multiple prizes to win!  We provide a coat and bag check for a nominal fee as well as a fun photo booth where you can get pics taken of you and your friends to commemorate the night!

You can get DISCOUNTED pre-sale tickets or pay at the door! (see below for links)

About the venue:

Sanctuary Studios LAX is proud to have been named “Best Dungeon in Los Angeles” by TimeOut Magazine – February 2016

Sanctuary LAX is a Los Angeles dungeon located within close proximity to LAX. It features a state of the art, air-conditioned facility completely rebuilt from the ground up under the direction of Mistress Cyan. Formerly known as Passive Arts, Sanctuary Studios LAX is the largest Dungeon in Los Angeles with more than 7000 sq ft. and a 1500 sq. ft. main room. The location features many rooms (both large and more intimate), high ceilings, and a large variety of dungeon furniture.  It is complete with an outdoor smoking patio and a stage in the main room with plenty of seating.

Facebook event page: https://www.facebook.com/events/617624521917307/

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Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, collarings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink”

Tagged With: Club Awakening, Dirk Hooper, dom, gender, jenn masri, kinky sex, power exchange, sanctuary, Sex Work Community, sex workers, sub

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