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UPDATE: Five Aspects of BDSM We Forget

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This is an update of an article I originally wrote back in January 2016. I decided to resurrect it with some new (and some same) info, for your reading pleasure!

While I love the lifestyle and specifically the very active scene in my home town of Los Angeles, there are key elements that are sometimes overlooked or completely forgotten. In an effort to not make this a list of rants, I’ve tried to offer supportive insight and advice for each item. Feel free to elaborate and add onto the list in the comments!

1. Proper introductions. While protocols are often touted as the norm, I often see folks completely ignore proper hellos and introductions leading to incredibly awkward yet avoidable conversation. Perhaps it’s the dungeon atmosphere that makes people nervous or maybe it’s a Dominant that’s too big for his/her britches, but a polite and respectful “Hello my name is Sir Domly McDomerton-it’s a pleasure to meet you” goes a long way. This etiquette flows over onto FetLife messaging as well. Also, don’t forget to introduce your friend/partner/sub/slave to new or old acquaintances as well. This will ease awkwardness and reinforce the dynamic. If your dynamic includes not introducing your slave/submissive/property as part of punishment or perhaps humiliation play, it may be helpful to indicate as such to ease awkwardness. If all else fails, pretend it’s normal vanilla life and treat people like people. Being at a dungeon or even a munch doesn’t fall too far outside of the ability to treat others as you’d want to be treated.

2. Aftercare. I know you’re sick of hearing about it, but this is a super important ending to almost every scene. Pretend like the scene is a gift and the aftercare is wrapping up the entire package in a nice, clean bow. Maybe you don’t feel like you’ll ever need aftercare, at least check in with the other person for a polite thank you and “how do you feel.” It’s better to be the person who asked about aftercare needs as it shows maturity and experience in the lifestyle. Don’t forget that some Dom/mes may need or want aftercare too. Return the favor!

3. Attending classes. There are enough know-it-alls in the world, please do not fall prey to being one of them. You know the type-they know everything there is from flogging to hook suspension and beyond. While it’s all good and well to be confident, it’s even more important to be well balanced, safe, and educated in your “craft”-for lack of a better word. This goes for both Dominants and submissives. Submissives may feel like they just need a good Dom/me to teach them everything. Be proactive. Being educated is your best protection against injury and avoiding predators in the lifestyle. Most Dom/mes of quality will find your education in the lifestyle an asset rather than a hindrance. In my opinion, if a Dom/me ever tries to stop you from attending classes or educational opportunities, you should run the other direction.

4. Balance. I have personally found that there needs to be balance with BDSM vs. vanilla activities. I learned this early on from my first ever play partner. At the time, I didn’t understand it because I was new and wanted to experience everything to do with kink right then and there. I had the fever, so to speak. Now that I’ve grown from that and have many more experiences under my belt, I actually enjoy vanilla activities equal to, if not more than the BDSM ones. There are a few friends of mine who, like myself are lifestylers, but they have somehow lost the social grace to act appropriately in vanilla public- things like inappropriate touching or talking loudly about kink activities in mixed company. Remember, while you’re kink is your life and expression, much like a religious fanatic it is not your “right” to force your lifestyle on someone else or make people feel uncomfortable around you. This not only further damages the impression vanilla folks have about BDSM but it also alienates you from making potential connections and educating people about kink. You’re an ambassador of the lifestyle whether you like it or not. However I do have to admit it’s often fun making mundane vanilla activities kinky. Use your imagination and discretion 😉

5. This leads me too…taking a break. It happens to the most experienced lifestylers. Sometimes you just want to hide out in your house for an entire weekend instead of attending a play party every night. Maybe you are over taxed from work and simply cannot commit to a munch a week. This is ok and does not make you any less of a player in the community. Your kink is what you make it and that includes setting boundaries for your personal time. From a safety point of view, if you’re a heavy player or someone that plays often, you should allow yourself time to heal and not just for a few days in between. Make sure to assess your health and be honest about potential long term damage.

6. Having a variety of friends. This can mean a lot of things. Of course everyone has a large circle of acquaintances. Recently, Dexx and I realized we were often spending time with the same people over and over. We love these people and the group dynamic is fun when we get together. What’s wrong with that you may ask? We should all endeavor to keep our scope, skillsets, and opinions broad, informed, and well rounded. It’s not that we will stop seeing our favorite people, we’ll simply add new folks into the mix. Going to classes helps in this regard as well. Another approach is to attend play parties outside of your regularly scheduled events. I’m a voyeur. I love watching a great dynamic play. I identify as a submissive but I bet could learn a thing or two from attending a FemDom party-and guess what?! I did! I attended Women in Charge of Kink, a Female Dom/male submissive dynamic party and it was a total blast. I spoke with a ton of wonderful women and met some charming men as well. I’ve even continued the conversation on this type of dynamic since the party.

If the concept of opening up your circle of friends sounds distasteful or uncomfortable, I urge you to give it a shot. It’s good to feel uncomfortable every once in a while.

Writer, model, babygirl, submissive. After trying vanilla relationships one time too many, anniebear finally realized her submissive desires and discovered the BDSM community. When not writing for Kink Weekly, she enjoys spankings and being tied with rope.

D/s Concepts that Work for Any Realtionship

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I came across an article recently on a vanilla/mainstream psychology website. You can view the original article here, but basically it talks about doing relationship check-ins.

The author advises couples to sit down on an annual basis and review their marriage – this article advises doing it alongside a professional, such as a therapist. She relates it to a performance review that may happen in a workplace. However, I relate it to the relationship contracts we create as part of D/s dynamics.

Once a D/s couple has created a contract, typically it includes an annual review or even a monthly review – or anything in between. The author basically describes a check-in that consists of creating a safe space to discuss issues that have come up and give one another feedback. In this sense what the author describes and what D/s partners do is very similar. We go over our contract and offer feedback as to what we think has been working and what we have issues with. We go over protocols that may have been forgotten (which is why written contracts come in handy – they work as reminders), others that haven’t worked out well, and confirming the ones that work. Depending on what we include in our contract, the “review” may include updating limits and/or rules or boundaries surrounding poly dynamics.

For both the vanilla and D/s version of this idea it creates a sense of closeness and connection while identifying issues that may have come up over the past year, month, 3 months, etc. It also confirms all the things that have been, and still are, working. For the D/s relationships it strengthens the bond of the power exchange as well.

What I love about all this is that here is an example of something we have done in our community for decades – and the mainstream community is catching on. I think as we continue to find and expose more examples like this (there are plenty) and could explain what is happening under the kink jargon to mainstream people, we could show why more and more studies are concluding that D/s relationships are just as healthy, if not in many cases healthier, than vanilla ones. Perhaps some of the stigma we face would be lifted.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Know Thyself

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Know thyself. I say this a lot to my classes and my clients. I have lived and continue to live in a way that I discover more about myself every day. One thing this community and lifestyle can teach you are lessons about who you are, what your limits and boundaries are, and what you strive for. Over time these things can change of course, however growth and commitment to self-exploration are essential.

Many of us do this as we go along in this world. It’s not like you go through a phase of life where you learn everything about yourself and then you’re just done all of a sudden. I believe we should be growing and learning until we die. So it’s not exactly reasonable to tell people to not live this lifestyle or begin to explore until they have everything figured out. It is however, reasonable to ask people to at least begin the journey of self-exploration and really start working hard on major issues before they enter into a serious D/s commitment with another human being. Whether it’s issues from childhood or baggage from past relationships – these things should be addressed with serious concern and attention. I’m not saying if you discover something that needs work and you are already in a relationship, to break it off and seclude yourself until you figure it out. However, if you aren’t yet in one – take advantage of this time to sink your teeth into issues that may come up in a dynamic.

Now, many people think this is mostly a D-type issue. That you can’t lead or be in charge of an s-type if you don’t have your own sh** handled. While I agree that if you are a D-type you should certainly be working on yourself and have the ability to maintain control over your own life before taking the lead of someone else’s, I definitely don’t think it only applies to D-types.

S-types also have a responsibility to work on self. We commonly talk about triggers when it comes to play and perhaps working through negative emotional reactions when dealing with poly dynamics or other issues the D-type introduces. However, an s-type needs to also be working on his or her self as an individual. An s-type cannot depend on their D-type for everything. First of all, be a whole human being with individual thoughts, interests, hobbies, and friends. Learn to develop personal boundaries and respect for yourself and those around you. These are all things that will support you in contributing to your relationship and your dynamic. Secondly, heaven forbid the D-type is gone – whether via break up or death. The s-type needs to be able to function independently. Otherwise their choice is what? Flounder around clueless or desperately chase the next relationship which may be unhealthy just because they don’t feel they have a choice? This is not ok.

I grew up with a mom who used to tell me that getting an education is incredibly important no matter my life plan. She would tell me she would fully support me if I decided (after getting a degree) to be a stay-at-home wife and mother for the rest of my days. However, if anything happened to my partner (divorce and death are rarely expected) she would know that at least I had an education to fall back on. This is a very similar concept when it comes to developing yourself independent of your current or future partners.

As a D-type you should encourage your s-type’s growth, as you continue to grow as well. As I mentioned in the beginning of this article, continuously work on self. You can’t afford to ignore major issues. If other people point out a problem, don’t let ego get in the way. Stop and examine what they’re talking about. Be willing to explore and change/work on what you need to.

Know thyself on either side of the slash. It will do you, your partners, and this community a lot of good.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.