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Get Your Own Damn Coffee!!!

October 9, 2017 By Baadmaster Leave a Comment

From time to time I will answer provocative BDSM/kink questions instead of my usual opinion articles. Here is one that I found particularly unique.

I am a male submissive who has been given a training collar by my Mistress. I love serving her sexually, as a pain slut and as a house slave. But lately, she has gotten into diapering me, treating me like a baby and using me as furniture. Although at first I liked the experimentation, I have now grown to dread these activities. I have told Mistress my feelings, but she takes it as a challenge and insists on doing these activities even more than before. What should I do?

In all aspects of life, be it vanilla, unvanilla or anything in between, the operational word is compromise. Unless you are the one in a million person where everything dovetails perfectly with your partner, there are areas where you will have to give and take. To a casual observer of the world of submission, compromise is not apparent since the sub appears to gladly do all things required of him/her. On closer examination, however, the submissive is usually compromising – even if this concession is unconscious or instinctual. There is a line I often use in my live presentations where I say that submissives often think to themselves, “Get your own fucking cup of coffee” when they are required to get their Master/Mistress some java on a cold winter’s morning. Usually this is just a passing semi-rebellious thought that is quickly dismissed. After all, to express it verbally would jeopardize the relationship. But, that does not mean the compromising aspect of the early morning coffee run is illusory. It is real. It is in the execution of the task and the acknowledgment of the compromise and sacrifice that separates the real life interaction of a D/s couple and the fictional “never having to compromise” basis of an idealized, imaginary Master/slave construct.

Thus, the fact that you are having service conflicts is proof that your relationship is grounded in reality. Pushing limits and exploring new territories is part of your Domme’s task. If she only asked for things that you will readily do anyway, she is not really being Dominant. This is what I have called, in a previous kink weekly article, “Coca-Cola Dominance.” Demanding that your submissive only drinks Coke when she already likes it is not Dominance. Thus, you must expect your limits to be pushed and tested if you are in a true D/s partnership. Submission without compromise is not submission at all.

That compromise is the currency of all relationships does not mean that it cannot have deleterious effects on the union. Clearly, when compromise becomes painful and is required so often that is destroys the joy of serving, the relationship is put into peril. This is where the Domme must be experienced. You state, “…I have now grown to dread these activities. I have told Mistress my feelings…” You have done your best. In essence, there is nothing more that you can do. The ball is now in your Mistress’ court.

Think of your Mistress as the Captain of a ship. But as opposed to being on a ship, where rebellion is mutiny, your service is voluntary. A good Mistress knows this and listens to her slave, weighs in all the factors and then decides upon the course she would plot. It comes down to her, not you. If she pushes you to the point where the overall arc of your service is moving into the area of unhappiness, you have the right to ask for your release.

I would make your concerns doubly clear to your Domme. Do not soft-pedal your dread of certain activities. This is not topping from the bottom. It is communication – the bedrock of all human activities. If your Domme continues to push you way past your compromise limit, you can leave.

Hopefully, she will throttle back on demands that jeopardize your service, After all, a sexual slave, a pain slut and a house slave all rolled into one is hard to find. Hopefully, she will realize that and not risk the relationship. On the other hand, if you ask for your release, you will probably have little trouble finding a new Mistress. After all, you do have a lot to offer any Domme!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

The Live-In Slave

August 14, 2017 By Baadmaster 4 Comments

When we first enter our lifestyle, we often are swept away by the allure of an ideal world of Masters and slaves living in perfect synergy. The Master is in firm control; the slave willingly obeys every command. It works great online. It is awesome every other weekend. It is mind-boggling at the dungeon party. But, the idealized concept of a live-in Master/slave relationship is quite different than reality, whether you are a newbie or an experienced lifestyler.

The most important thing to keep in mind is that there are both advantages and disadvantages in a live-in D/s union. I will attempt to identify the most critical areas in the live-in relationship, giving you both the pros and the cons of each as I see it.

• Trust. It is much easier to establish trust in the live-in situation because there is little left to the imagination. When you are with someone much of your non-job time, you can truly get a deep understanding of that person’s basic character. Since trust is such a critical area in a D/s relationship, the live-in relationship builds trust in a very deep way. Of course, it also can highlight any negative trust issues since little can be hidden from each other.

• Forget myths. This is real life, not social media. I never believed that the “myth of Dominant infallibility” had any relevance to a real life relationship of any kind. But, once you live together, there is no way to hide your warts and human faults. As a Dominant, don’t try to live up to some artificially perfect standard that you think your slave expects. As a submissive, don’t beat yourself up when you are less than faultless.

• Maintaining play levels. It is much easier to maintain an exciting level of play when you are together for brief periods of time. Here the live-in arrangement can easily erode play – even taking it for granted. One must keep your all aspects of play – including protocols and rituals — fresh and timely. After all, it is said that all relationships require work. Here the effort of maintaining your play levels will pay off handsomely over time.

• Honorifics. Here is where a little goes a long way. Calling your Dominant “Master,” “Sir” or “Mistress” on a daily, consistent basis truly reinforces the power exchange in a deep and profound way. Likewise, the Dominant’s “good girl” or equivalent phrase contributes mightily to the dynamic.

• Isolate key protocols. It is easy to gloss over protocols when you live together. Jobs, outside commitments and friends can make it hard to maintain essential rituals even in a low-protocol relationship. I suggest you identify one or two basic protocols that reinforce the fact that you are the Master/Mistress and she/he is the slave. I personally endorse the greeting ritual upon returning from work as a great way to keep the D/s dynamic fresh in each other’s mind.

• Slave diaries. I suggest the slave keep journals of your best scenes. In this way, the slave gets to emotionally re-live those scenes that were memorable and the Master can recreate those scenes if the play devolves a bit, as it easily can, over time.

• Slave contracts. Slave contracts have no legal standing. They cannot keep a bad D/s union working. But, they are powerful tools that can keep a D/s relationship strong.

• Discipline. As the Dom/me, you must be vigilant to see if and when your relationship might be eroding. It is much like weight loss. If you see a person every day, it is hard to notice any change in weight. Similarly, it is hard to notice when little things gradually go awry. I suggest that you take stock every so often correct small problems before they become big ones.

• Speaking freely. The Master must give the slave regular opportunity to speak her mind without fear of punishment. This is a simple human need and trumps all D/s theory.

• It’s a relationship. Don’t forget the “relationship” aspect of a D/s relationship! This obvious fact is often overlooked. Have fun. Go to movies. Laugh. A live-in Master/slave relationship should not be like working in the Siberian coal mines. The advantage of living together is that it makes it easy to develop a well-rounded relationship. Don’t neglect this advantage.

The key, as I see it, is for both the Master/Mistress and the slave to understand the pros and cons of a 24/7, live-in relationship. Obviously, not all of these suggestions apply to everyone. But, by being aware of the double-edged sword that such a relationship is, you can embrace the positive and avoid the negative.

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