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Introducing a New Person to BDSM

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anniebear-doms-email-photo

We’ve written several articles similar to this topic in the past but with the caveat that you were either dating or romantically interested in the new person or perhaps it was a vanilla person you’re trying to convert. This article will cover aspects and ideas for introducing a kinky platonic friend into the scene, something which I’ve had personal experience with multiple times…not that I’m trying to convert every single one of my friends…or maybe I am, hehe 🙂

This is also assuming that you, the reader are a safe, sane, and consensual player-I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt since you’re taking the time to read this helpful article. Whether you’re introducing a male or female (or those who identify as) the concepts will be similar. Then as the person begins to find their way, you can advise them to the best of your knowledge on how they could potentially proceed.

Hypothetically speaking, a friend of yours comes to you seeking advice on BDSM, is interested in it, or wants to come with you to a kink event. How do you proceed? Personally, I like to start with education. Send them some written material that you think is valuable or noteworthy. We have several articles for beginners in the archives of Kink Weekly, specifically Baadmaster’s piece “Where Do I Begin?” Similarly, you can explain everything in person, however this can be both time consuming and unreliable because unless they take notes or have a fantastic memory, they will not have a point of reference to go back to in the event they need some reminders. You can always send them some material and then go over it in person with them if you care to be extra thorough.

Next, you can discuss what their interests may be. Often times they will say they either do not know or only have a very vague reference of what they could be into. They may not even know if they are a Top, bottom, switch or something in between or apart from those labels. In my experience, a true kinkster just “knows” they are into it and are excited to discover new things about themselves. You can help them along by inviting them to specific classes. If you’re lucky enough to live in a well populated BDSM scene, seek out a BDSM 101 class or basics classes on impact play, flogging, anything you can think of just to get them exposed to new kinks. Munches are also a fabulous way for them to meet fellow kinksters and hear what other people have to say. In my experience, BDSM folks are usually happy to discuss ideas with a respectful newbie. If they are “too important” to speak with a new person, then I wouldn’t particularly want my hypothetical new friend to meet that person anyway.

If you feel like you’re still having a hard time helping this person find their way, it’s time to bring in reinforcements! The longer I’m in the scene, the easier it is for me to get a “feel” for which end of the spectrum someone may be. For example, I had a long time friend who I knew was very dominant and when he finally came to me and said he wanted to explore BDSM, I knew exactly where to send him! However, I have a different friend who was unsure at first what she wanted but as I introduced her into the scene and exposed her to more, we both figured out that she was a switch. If you have an inkling of what they might like, you have the experience, and are able to play platonically, offer to do an introductory scene with them. If you do not feel qualified, find a trusted friend who would be interested. Kinksters are selfish (in a good way!) and always happy to play and what a treat to introduce someone new to something we all love so much! A word of caution on this: I’d offer to sit in on the scene if they are playing with a mutual friend. Walk them through a proper negotiation and help them pick out a safe word as well. Newbies can get attached to a partner pretty easily as the endorphins run high, something worth mentioning as well as the dangers of sub drop. If you are an experienced sub, you can still walk your potential Top friend through a scene, especially with the supervision of another Top or Dom.

There are endless options to help a new person find their way. If you still feel very new yourself, find more experienced folks to assist or attend classes together. The important thing is to play smart and be realistic with your newbie about BDSM. Everyone has made a mistake or two (or three) as a newbie, if you’re able to impart your advice and journey, your friend will thank you for it. Thanks to you for looking out for your friend as well!

anniebear is a submissive living with her partner Dexx in Los Angeles. She enjoys writing, modeling for friends, animal rescue, and teaching herself how to cook. You can catch her on Fetlife or Facebook.

Dexx Interviews Hudsy Hawn

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hudsy hawn

Dexx: You seem to have your hand in quite a lot of different projects and activities in the kink world. You have the Stockroom University and you’re well known for various TV appearances. I’d like to explore how you got into all of this kinky stuff in the first place. When did you first realize that you were kinky?

Hudsy Hawn: I had no idea until I was getting a divorce and I met a Dom by accident on Craigslist. Up until that point, I hadn’t explored it at all except maybe a “who’s your daddy” spanking during vanilla sex. But I had no idea- I’d never even thought about BDSM. I’d seen those pictures of men in chaps or the woman in a comedy movie holding a whip but that was the extent of it. But then I met a man in the middle of the night, literally in the middle of the night at 1am in 2005. And I thought I was going over for a booty call and instead I was ordered to my knees. I crawled around on the floor and drank red wine out of a bowl and my love of kink was born.

That’s great. Did you have some hesitancy at the time or did you just kind of say, “Wow this is fantastic, this is for me!”

I think because I was suffering through a divorce and feeling very lonely, I was kind of acting out with my choices. Looking back I could have been a little more careful. Who I am now, I’m a lot more careful but I think that back then, that’s how it had to happen for me. The element of surprise knocking me over into this world of excitement I never knew about and lucky for me, it was someone who was sane enough to have not turned me off of to it forever.

So now it seems like it’s become a pretty big part of your life. Do you do other stuff as well or is it all kink?

(laughs)Well I had childhood plans to be a singer but then I kind of fell into this world ten years ago. I love it so much because for me its like therapy. It’s a little bit like figuring out what makes someone tick and how you can best get along with your partner through the acts of BDSM and roleplay. Before this I was a hotel supervisor, a special events planner, a cover band singer and musical theatre performer so I’ve kind of taken all of those vanilla jobs and fused them into my high profile BDSM career. I curate events and classes here at The Stockroom Hall. I still love to perform onstage; I enjoy taking my vast knowledge of modern music and creating new outside the box versions of popular tunes. My autobiographical show The Mermaid Diaries: Beneath the Covers is all about my journey from vanilla to kink. I use my own original music and well known covers to tell my story in a way that’s outlandish and different, with a dose of BDSM. I find a way to blend all of my lives and jobs together, if that makes sense.

mermaid diaries

You used to work at The Dominion as a Pro Domme so I’m curious about how you first got into doing that, working on the Pro side?

Once I discovered BDSM, I started going to the clubs and at the clubs I met people, some who were pro and lifestyle and I thought why don’t I try being a pro submissive? I love being submissive so I went in and interviewed and they hired me and that already was five years into my kink journey, back in 2010. I found that I loved it and I loved being around the other women and I loved meeting all of the different people and the clients that were into it. I had a lot of mentors there that helped create who I am today. While I was there I became a switch and discovered that in my personal life I prefer being a switch but now that I’m a grown woman, being a Pro Domme is better for me personally and professionally.

When you were first starting out as a Pro was there a training program to teach you how to be a pro submissive or a Pro Domme or did you have a particular person who mentored you to teach you those skills?

Well, The Dominion or any Dungeon/House is a great place for people to go work and learn BDSM skills. If you want to go learn about protocols and behaviors its best to find a personal mentor and that could be at a dungeon where people work or it could be a personal relationship or a friendship or more. I have been lucky enough to have mentored with a lot of great people. Lady Hillary, Mistresses Snow Mercy and Nikki Rouge, RevMel and many others have taught me a lot about how to be FemDom but then all the relationships I’ve had, men that I’ve been a submissive to or fetish family members I’ve been close to… The Dominion’s Resident Male Dom, Sir Rucifer is also my dearest brother, I love him to death and he’s taught me a lot. My exes have also taught me about what does and doesn’t work in a D/s dynamic. The local community has mentored me more than any one person or place.

Is there much cross over between the people that are paying clients say like at The Dominion and the fetish scene in terms of events like munches, classes, and play parties? Is it the same people or is it distinct crowds?

I find that in my experience people that pay for sessions are people that are private and so you won’t see them out at the clubs whereas the people at the clubs tend to be people who are already together as a couple or are all friends and so to me its been a separate energy. Separate clientele. There’s the clients who pay for it and they keep their life private from everyone, then there’s the people who actually don’t pay for it and just go to the clubs and play with each other. Because they can. That’s not to say that people that pay for sessions are always private, some people are completely out there. I’ll have people come in that do a session with me but I also see them at a Fetish Ball. I’ll say a large percentage is people that don’t take it anywhere else.

Switching over to talking about Stockroom University,what is the Stockroom University all about?

Every Saturday afternoon The Stockroom University is about helping bring kink education to the vanilla mainstream person who is curious and ready to take it to the next level. We want to offer direction in a safe, sane, and consensual way. We try to cater to all class topics and requests and desires, whether it be beginners who want to know how to get started, or to people who have been doing it a while who really want to learn a different angle on what they love. We also provide our space for a lot of sex positive evening events. We have sex educators come in and do their own private events, we’ve had burlesque events, and put on shows. I did my autobiographical show here. With upcoming seminars and fetish film festivals underway, the sky is the limit.

So there are a lot of first timers or beginners coming into the classes?

Sure, I’m seeing a lot of new faces in the year I’ve been here and that makes me really happy because I see that what we’re doing is creating sex positive support and making a difference. People have a safe place to go and then afterwards they get a discount in our Syren Boutique store. So they can actually take what they learned and go buy something and enjoy themselves that same night.

So what kind of topics have you covered so far?

Oh, so many; animal play, shibari, protocols and positions, various panels, (FemDomme,male submissives…) We’ve had transgender panels, love of latex classes, leather and boot blacking instruction, and even instructionals on fisting and rough sex. We always give a disclaimer at the beginnings of these types of classes for obvious reasons. We want to make sure people understand what will be shared before class starts so we have their consent and understanding of content.

So who are you typically pulling in to teach these kinds of classes? Is it people from Los Angeles or all around the country?

We have people from all over. We have repeat educators like Sunny Megatron and Ken Melvoin-Berg who are from the Showtime show Sex with Sunny Megatron. They come in a couple times a year and do amazing classes. Last time they were here they did an edge play class. They’re going to be doing a Halloween class on Hilarious Humiliation. Midori comes in a couple times a year as well. She will be here tomorrow with a class on Rope Dominance. We have a lot of local names in the community like Orpheus Black, Snow Mercy, Danarama, Sir Nik Satanas, Nikki Nefarious and many more. We even had some BDSM erotica authors come in and they did a panel and sold their books, but I’m also open to new instructors contacting me and if their experience and course is right for us, we’d love to have them. We’re open to meeting new people, it’s just a matter of if they have they taught before, and can I see a history of their career so that I make sure I’m protecting our students and our curriculum integrity.

The Stockroom seems to be a pillar of the BDSM community here in LA but I guess the whole country as it seems to be the main supplier of toys.

I’ve heard Our CEO and Founder Joel Tucker tell the story himself how about almost thirty years ago he was a young college kid wanting to be able to flog his girlfriend at the time but he couldn’t afford the expensive toys the local stores were selling. He was like, “Why don’t I do this myself?” He found the materials and he started making product in his apartment and he became so successful, taking mail orders and creating his own catalogue. JT’s Stockroom eventually became The Stockroom and we are still the first original and most successful internet source for Adult Toys.

You touched on this earlier , but have you noticed and increase in BDSM since the Fifty Shades movie came out earlier this year?

Definitely. I’ve noticed a change, an improvement in interest and I’ve noticed that people that come in are people that I haven’t met in the scene, and its even older couples which makes me very happy because I see that they are invigorating their relationships with this. I’ll ask what brought them to this and they’ll say my wife liked the book or I saw the movie and wanted to check out some toys and I was very happy to see that you had some classes because after I buy the toys its like “what do I do with this?!” It’s great to have that option for them.

That’s fantastic! So would you say generally speaking, BDSM is becoming more accepted within society as a result?

I think the books and films on BDSM have helped tremendously and I appreciate that. And I think that it’s just going to get better. I know that the Fifty Shades trilogy is going to milk it a little bit longer and by then I think there will be even more stories coming out about it which will be very supportive. I think the stigma that happens that some in the community dislike is that we’re hurting ourselves or that it’s not consensual or that we had something happen in to us in our childhood. For me there’s nothing like that. It was always just about realizing BDSM helped me connect with my partner. And I liked that and it forced me to focus on things because a lot of times people will be doing missionary and they’ll be looking over your shoulder. You don’t know if it feels good or if they’re into it or if they’re thinking about something else and with BDSM you are forced to connect. Some of the sexiest roleplay I’ve done is just my partner and I staring at each other and we don’t touch each other. You know, it taps into that mental telepathy or something and I think that’s great. That’s definitely something that you need in a good scene.

So The Try Guys video, its had over 3 million views now. It seems like that was a fun project to be involved in.

Yea, its been great! My good friend Steven Aleck asked me to do it. He produced a lot of the Buzzfeed videos. They called me in and he said we just want you to show us the ropes so to speak and I asked, well is this going to be lighthearted or are you just going to make fun of it? Because if you’re going to make fun of it, then I don’t want to make fun of what I love. They said no and I watched their videos and they do everything very respectfully and what makes them so successful is they’re these average guys trying something that isn’t average and allowing the viewer to experience it safely from their computer. That’s why they’re a huge hit. That’s why that video is doing really well. And I don’t read the comments but I think that it’s only helping to have a light hearted attitude about it. They were great fun, it was a really short shoot, and we got to feature some of The Stockroom’s gear. They were also using Love Honey gear, which is the official Fifty Shades of Gray toy. So I was kind of taking turns with both of the different designs and it was a lot of fun.

And you’ve been involved in some other vanilla TV projects like Storage Wars and have you ever any negative reactions from people about BDSM while you’ve been working with people from outside of the kink community?

No, I mean I’ve worked for some very mainstream vanilla companies and I’ve even worked at the happiest place on earth and they all knew about it; my immediate colleagues knew about it. They all thought it was hilarious and would ask me questions and I could see them logging information for later. And I haven’t had any negativity but I think I’ve always just been so open about who I am even before kink that everyone in my life is just used to it. So they just go “Oh that’s just her. Doing that thing again.” I have had some people hint that they preferred it when I was just a singer and I’m like, why not put my kink story into my singing? I think that makes me more interesting. You know that old song from Gypsy, “You gotta get a gimmick” (if you wanna get ahead?) You know kink is an accidental gimmick to my singing career that’s happened so I enjoy using that for all it’s worth. Both are a part of me.

I saw your stage show at at DomCon, it was great and clearly you’re a talented singer and performer. Did you have some prior experience doing theatrical stuff or other stage background?

I started in high school doing musical theater. I did it in college as well. And then the cover band business kind of fell into my lap by accident. So the reason I kind of call the show Beneath the Covers is because I was a cover band singer for fifteen years so I know hundreds of songs in my head and I love taking them and tweaking them and that’s why I use them in the show. That was my bread and butter for years.

Being so well known in the community do find that when you go out and just want to do a play session at a play party that you get mauled with people that all want to say hello?

If only it was that exciting! That picture is very complimentary but that doesn’t really happen. I think the reason it seems that way is because I’ve done some internet and television and being in the right place at the right time. There are so many well known Dom/Domme’s that have done much more than I have that I deeply respect. I just happened to hit at the right moment when BDSM became a mainstream big deal, so I’ve had some success because of that. When I’m out and about I have had some people say hello to me. They know me from Storage Wars or Try Guys or The Real Fifty Shades of Grey. But I’m still just that quiet little girl from Alaska.

And do you have any words of advice for anyone young who wants to get more involved in BDSM or just starting out in the scene as an adult?

I’m considering a way to do something to help y­­­­­­­­­­outh because I’ve had some sex educators and psychologists come to me and tell me that they’re actually doing counseling with high schoolers and their parents about how these kids are playing in private with each other. The parents would rather they speak to a psychologist in that field or someone like me who has an educational series where we can help todays youth understand what this all means and how to do it safely. BDSM books and movies have so many fans now, people like thirteen are finding this online and doing this. And I’m not saying that BDSM is wrong, but whatever happened to being a kid? I think that it’s very important that if anyone wants to get involved whether it’s a teenster or an adult, do your homework, do your research. Don’t just go online and meet up with somebody. I did that and I’ll tell you what, he was sexy at first, but he was completely unskilled and he injured me more than once. And yes, if it weren’t for him I wouldn’t be sitting here talking to you so I’m thankful for my history but I wish my first experience had been with someone who knew what they were doing and had experience dealing with someone elses well being. The best thing any newbie can do is be careful and read books like SM 101 and be a part of different educational series where you learn about safety and consent and not about just getting out there. Education is very important.

Hudsy Hawn is the Head Mistress of Special Events for Stockroom curating classes for Stockroom University and outreach programs for the Los Angeles area. You can read more about Hudsy and contact her here.

Learn From My Mistakes: Part Two

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Check out part one here.

In this installment, I will concentrate on Internet BDSM mistakes that I, and friends, have made. After all, in our fetish-tolerant age — there are fetish parties and other opportunities for meeting potential partners real time — the Internet still accounts for a significant number of BDSM hookups – and slip ups!

So, here is my second list of “BDSM Blunders” – made not in the face of good advice but rather with a lack of any. Some of these might seem obvious. But if I had a dollar for everyone who ignored some obvious advice, with disastrous results, I would own the world!

1. Get to real time meetings as quickly as possible. This piece of advice is as valid today as it was back in the day. Spending an inordinate amount of time online without a face-to-face meeting is a risky strategy. (Unless your thing is online BDSM, which is a valid approach.) It is very easy to bond with someone you only know through emails, yahoo messenger, Skype, Tinder, Facebook, IG, Twitter, Fetlife, IM’s and even cellphoning. Each person can tell the other person what they want to hear, without the necessity of looking the other person in the eye. Obviously, if you are on a good track, meeting will only validate your judgments and speed up the whole process. But, if the relationship is built on a hidden incompatibility that only a real time meeting can uncover, you can spend time almost falling in love — only to have that shatter when you finally meet.

2. Give, and demand, honesty online. Not to suggest you play Sherlock Holmes, but a liar can be spotted very easily. If you spot major untruths or inconsistencies, the operational word should be “next!” This is one principle that has not changed — give, and demand, honesty no matter what platform you are using to communicate.

3. Webcam. Back in the day, “I don’t have a scanner” was the excuse du jour for the lack of a picture. A couple years later, “I don’t have a digital camera” became the buzzword of the faker generation. Now with Photoshop, anyone can lose twenty pounds and twenty years instantly. If you are starting to get serious and you are far away from each other, insist on the webcam. And, when you finally meet, both of you will look 30% better than you did on webcam. Guaranteed!

4. Fly the friendly skies. Even if you are webcamming, don’t use distance as an excuse to postpone a real time meeting. In-person is still more revealing than the webcam and bargain airline tickets are readily available. Ten years ago I attempted an LDR. But, I procrastinated our meeting, month after month. Finally, I got on a plane. We were totally incompatible! I should have scheduled a visit much sooner – and I would not have wasted all that time.

5. “There’s a sucker born every minute!” I think P.T. Barnum must have had the Internet in mind when he coined that saying. Don’t take anything at face value; see how the whole picture is painted before you judge it. If we have learned anything about “fake news” this last election, it is that people can say anything online and it will be believed.

6. Don’t exaggerate. Although we all exaggerate from time to time (weight, height, age, job experience?), it is very tempting to go for the home run online, via texting or with any communications app. It is especially appealing when the other person says, “I like such and such,” so you agree. Although it might not technically be “lying,” it should be kept to a minimum. Unless you are down with online, sexting, DM’s or any non-contactual (my word!) BDSM, exaggerations will eventually catch up to you when you meet.

The Internet is a great tool for meeting people – people you might not ever have met in a million years pre-Internet. (Although I miss Blockbuster, an Internet victim.) But, as with any interpersonal medium, one should be cautious – but not paranoid. Hopefully, you can learn from my mistakes. Because I sure made a bunch of them!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Learn From My Mistakes: Part One

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It’s that time of year for New Year’s resolutions that few of us keep. Here, at kinkweekly.com, we won’t burden you with advice you don’t need or guidance you will ignore. So, instead of the usual suggestions, we will offer a new concept for improving your kinky BDSM relationships — “Learn from my mistakes!”

We all know that the only way a child learns how to avoid a hot stove, despite his parents admonitions, is to get burned. It is a sad fact that we, as humans, rarely learn except from our own mistakes. I, too, have often not followed my own advice. Thus, I will list a half dozen mistakes I have personally made. Maybe this concept – learning from my errors rather than your own – will be a new strategy that will prove surprisingly effective. At the very least, it will give you a personal insight into being a Dominant – an oft times demanding, although greatly rewarding, “job.”

1. Timing. When you first meet a sub, he/she is not your submissive. You are negotiating. But, one should not wait too long before establishing basic expectations. (In the fictional Fifty Shades, I applaud the fact that Christian presented his ‘hardware store recruit’ with a “slave contract” rather quickly. Expecting her to sign it immediately is a bit much, but at least he explains what he is about.) For example, honorifics are important to me. In one instance, I waited far too long to tell her that I wished to be called “Sir” at all times. By the time I decided to insist on this and other basic protocols (I am a low/medium-protocol Dom, so I am not talking about a lot of rituals), she had great difficulty making the change. Establishing good D/s habits early on is the lesson to be learned here.

2. Assuming. I have incorrectly assumed that certain BDSM words had specific meanings. For example, if a submissive says she is “poly,” one should not presume that she wants to be part of a poly family. She might only want a triad from time to time. Or, she might simply be “poly-tolerant” and is not really into it at all. One should probe a sub’s needs and proclivities deeply – and not assume anything.

3. Follow through. The times I have had the most problems in my D/s relationships were when I neglected to fulfill minor promises. They might, on the surface, seem trivial; but once the power exchange is established, it is very easy for a Dom/me to get lazy and forget minor commitments. After all, no one is going to call you on it. But, missed promises add up. If you are not careful, they can erode the power exchange as brutally as a major neglected promise. Follow through on even the most inconsequential pledge. It might not be as inconsequential as you think!

4. Power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely. This political statement has great BDSM wisdom built into it. Obviously, no Master has absolute power. One should always be self-examining, humble and not wield power arbitrarily. Make a special effort to be a wise, not an imperious, Master.

5. Don’t try to change human nature. I have found that major behavior modification, which I have written about in previous kinkweekly.com articles, is a rare event. Dom/mes are not all-powerful… duh! If one wants a low/medium-protocol slave, don’t try and take a slave who is basically low-protocol and attempt to change him/her. I tried this once; it did not work. I never attempted it again. When you negotiate with a prospective slave and the BDSM needs are at odds, likely it is time to move on.

6. It’s a relationship, dammit! Sometimes a Dominant can get so wrapped up in the D/s and BDSM aspects of a relationship, he/she can overlook the human facets of it. Don’t think of these concerns as being vanilla. Instead, look at them as being essential interpersonal ingredients in any relationship. Remember, she is not only your slave, she is also your boy/girl friend!

These are six mistakes I have made in my BDSM journey. I am sure I have made many other and will discuss them in future articles. But, I try not to repeat my mistakes. And, hopefully, you won’t repeat any of mine!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Dexx interviews Jenn Masri

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Jenn

Get to know our regular contributor Jenn Masri by reading this interview!

Dexx: You’ve been a pro switch and you’re a kink aware therapist.  But for many in the LA kink community, you’re perhaps best known as the friendly face guiding them into the world of kink as the teacher of your BDSM 101 class series, which you’ve been doing for about a year and a half.  What inspired you to start teaching the classes?

Jenn: Well a couple of things.  As a newbie, when I came into the scene, I had no idea where to start, or what to do, or what mistakes I might make.  I came in un-partnered, and not knowing anybody.  And I really had wished that there had been a series that was very fundamental – just first baby steps.  And I didn’t really find anything like that.  The only 101 type classes that I knew of were either offered sporadically, on a certain topic typically or there was this series at the Lair – but it goes just slightly beyond the fundamentals and isn’t a weekly class.  So I wanted something that everybody could join as soon as they came into the scene, at any time.  And really be the first steps.  I mean even getting people before they get on Fetlife – I get a lot of that too.

The other part of it was… the last pro session I had as a switch, I was trying to teach about 20 vanilla women everything I could in an hour.  And I realized I had so much more I wanted to explain – they had so many questions – that combined with my experience coming into the scene, I decided to go ahead and create something and that was was sort of the push, and I realized I love to teach, to create my own curriculum and series, and see if it took off.

And it seems like it has been taking off?

Yeah, it’s successful, and it’s my baby, so I’m very very proud of it.

What do you cover in your classes?

First class is – like I said it’s so fundamental – it’s definitions – defining the most common terms.  Whether it’s terms that are exclusive to the scene, or terms that are used in the vanilla world that mean a little bit different things in our community.  So defining terms, orientations, roles, and then common terms that they will hear if they go out, or that they’ll see on Fetlife.

Second class is on safety.  This was actually the first class I came up with on the curriculum.  Because I felt like it was the most important.  And what I wished I’d had when I started.  So many of the safety classes in the scene have to do with physical safety in play, and I go over some of that.  But I also go over red flags in terms of meeting people in the scene, because that’s where I felt like I could have used help when I first came in.  You know – do’s and don’ts in terms of staying safe when you’re out there dating, or trying to meet play partners, or long term partners.  Things to look out for.  And again – not just for submissive, or s-types, but also for Doms.  Because there are red flags on both sides, for sure.

Third class is the toy and play demo – which is definitely one of the more popular of the classes.  I have a live demo bottom for this one, and pretty much go through any starter impact toy.  Talk about different types of play.  I mention, but I don’t show, edge play – because it’s a 101 class, I don’t want people to see a two minutes demo and think they know what they’re doing when it comes to stuff that’s more dangerous.  So it’s basically a sampling of stuff that newbies can pick up relatively quickly, so that they can see what they’re interested in, and go out and find other classes that are specific to those types of play, or those types of implements, and learn more.

My fourth class is defining D/s relationships.  This one I was kind of back and forth on including, because so many newbies come in and they’re focused on physical play, and a lot of people in the mainstream don’t even realize that there can be an entire relationship dynamic that we have.  That’s not to say you have to have it – you can just play of course.  But I felt like it was important to go over the types of dynamics that are out there, because even if somebody comes in and just wants to play and has no interest in a D/s relationship, they’re gonna meet people that are.  So if somebody says this is my Master, or whatever, you can have a basic idea of the concept they’re referring to.  And of course some people do come in a dynamic, and what to explore more of that.

What does a typical person attending one of your classes look like?

I would say 95% newbies.  Sometimes I’ll get people who aren’t even on Fetlife, and have no idea what that is – they maybe found me through Google or Sanctuary’s web site.  So some people are really really new.  But most of them, you know they’ve joined Fetlife, but they haven’t really gone to many events, maybe one, usually none.  And they want to start getting into things.  Occasionally I’ll get people that have been in the scene, or I’ll get people that come to my classes as a newbie, and then they just keep on coming back!

Sometimes I’ve had people ask me, “is it ok for a single male to come?”  And of course the answer is yes – this is a class.  I get the whole gamut – I get single people, I get couples, I get all different orientations.

Once people complete the class series, do you then typically see them becoming pretty active members of the kink community?

I do.  Actually it’s been interesting, because I’ve become friends with a lot of the people that come through my classes.  And I’ll see them at parties, or I’ll see them active on Fetlife, or going to other classes.  Sometimes people will get really excited and report back to me – “I went to this” or “I tried that”.  And that’s great, you know – that’s the whole point.  I usually do see people get more active, and that’s why I also try to include suggestions in class about where to go and which events to check out.

It must be very rewarding when you hear about people’s positive experiences since doing your classes.  Do you ever have people come back and tell you about negative experiences that they’ve had?

It’s not very often that I get that.  Usually I’ll get people who will come in and they’ll have had a negative experience already, and wished they would have taken the classes before.  I have had that.  Because of the safety class – the red flags and all that – I’ve had people come back and say “thank goodness I took that class” because I stepped into this scenario right after and I knew because of the discussion that it was a red flag.  So… that’s awesome.

So I want to change topic a little, and talk about you.  When did you first realize that you were kinky?

[Laughs] I was a late bloomer.  It was really after my divorce.  And just getting into the dating scene, and meeting different people – so it was in my 30’s.

I often hear people say that they feel like they were born kinky, and they always knew they were kinky, and maybe it just took them a while to figure out what they meant, and to embrace it and actually get into it.  Not the case for you?

Yeah… there were maybe certain indicators that I would not have recognized until I got into the scene.  And I’ll just leave it at that…

Alright, fair enough.  And so then how did you first discover and get into the BDSM community itself?

I was dating somebody that I had met online.  The whole online dating thing was brand new to me.  I was dating someone who was totally vanilla, and it just so happened that his ex girlfriend was in the scene.  He basically referred me to her when he realized I had interests in that area, and connected me with her on Facebook.  She introduced me to Fetlife.  I joined it, and just started showing up at whatever classes or munches I could put on my calendar – just kind of jumped in.

Tell me about the first time you went to a play party.

Hmm, let me think, it was a spanko party.  It was actually at Dragons Gate and I was so nervous that I called a friend of mine to come out to the parking lot to walk in with me, because I was worried that I wasn’t dressed the right way.

I think that’s something a lot of people can really relate to going to their first play party.

Yeah, absolutely and that’s the reason why I tell people in my class, if I’m going to an event and you want to go, let me know.  That way at least you’ll know somebody there. It is nerve wracking to go to your first play party.  And I’m totally extroverted so I can only imagine for somebody who’s not as outgoing how nervous they would be.

So yeah… but, I made it inside my first party and it was all fine from there.

So switching to your therapist hat, what are some of the common themes of issues that kinky people might face that are different to  those that vanilla people deal with?

A lot of the issues boil down to the same. A lot of the issues are the same individual or relationship issues that I see in the vanilla world. The differences are… I see people where one person is interested in the scene and the other isn’t or D/s issues like how to go from a vanilla relationship and incorporate D/s.  Or poly scenarios – people dealing with poly dynamics that maybe it’s a first for them, and dealing with everything that comes along with that, even though the issues themselves breakdown to very similar ones as you’d get in any other relationship.

Modern society often isn’t particularly encouraging of a woman being submissive or a man being dominant – just as a couple of examples.   It can seem to run counter to feminism and gender equality.   Do you think that feminism can be compatible with BDSM concepts like submission?

Absolutely, because the true nature of feminism is for women to have the right to choose how to live their life, right? If somebody chooses and feels comfortable in the position of a submissive than why not?  If somebody says well that’s not ok because that’s not how we want to see a woman be, well that’s no longer feminism.

It’s great hearing you explain it like that and I think for some people it can take a while to get their head around that concept.   Do you think though that there are people out there that have either dominant desires or submissive desires that feel shameful about them and so don’t explore them?

I know there are, absolutely.  If we feel pressure by society to suppress sides of ourselves then it can turn into shame.  I think one part of this community that is fabulous is helping the people that do reach out and do come to the “dark side” to  realize that that side of them is not necessarily horrible, they just needed to meet partners and people that accepted that side and actually balance that side, and so that they can come to accept and love that side of themselves.

I’ve heard it mentioned a couple of times in the community that they’ve noticed that kinky people tend to be quite intelligent people so I’m curious to know if you have any thoughts on whether there is some kind if correlation between intelligence and the predisposition towards kink.

(laughs) I think you have the whole gamut like you do in mainstream. I think in terms of traditional intelligence, I don’t know if there’s a difference – I’ve not researched that. I do think you probably get a lot more people who are open minded and that may cross over into other areas. So perhaps that’s where the correlation lies. Somebody who’s more open minded to sexuality or relationship dynamics might also be more open minded to other concepts in regards to other topics and so, therefore, maybe they’re willing to take in more ideas and debate and research. I don’t know, I’m throwing out a guess off the top of my head on that one.

So in any discussion of kink and culture it seems impossible to avoid bringing up 50 shades of grey, which of course has been quite polarizing within the community. But what impact do you think its popularity has had on the kink community.

I don’t go to one extreme or the other – I think there are pros and cons.  I’ll go with the cons first. I read all of them, because I felt, given my position and my classes, that I needed to read them and know if I was to speak to them that I would be coming from a place of knowledge. (Sighs) I did not enjoy the writing. I’m a reader and I’ve never been one to read romance novels and things like that. The writing itself I thought was pretty subpar.  I’m trying to be nice.  And you know, the bdsm stuff, for somebody that’s is in the scene, it got a little repetitive, a little bit boring.   Although for mainstream people reading it I could see where it could be very titillating, very exciting, if its something they’ve never experienced.  One major concern was people taking stuff from the book, and not being in the scene, and not going to classes and just going out and trying stuff and having things happen, having accidents, or people getting hurt and then them looking at our community and thinking “oh, well they’re a bunch of irresponsible people that hurt each other” – not realizing that we’re all about education. And the representation of it being so far off from reality, and hoping that people take it as it was which is fiction.

On the plus side it did bring it more into mainstream, it made it a topic of conversation.  And for me personally it was actually something that I used to come out to my mom about being in the lifestyle. I don’t know if she’d want me to say this – she was reading it… but you know the fact that it was out there and mainstream and people were talking about it, I was able to use that to say “so you know this book, well that’s kind of my life.” Now I had to explain beyond that because obviously the books don’t represent the real life.  But it was my sort of segue into having that conversation.

One aspect of 50 shades which I have heard disparaged by some people in the community is that the character of Christian Grey is portrayed as being interested in BDSM because he had this horrific abuse-ridden childhood.  In your experience, is being kinky typically linked to these types of childhood events, or are they unrelated?

That was actually one of my biggest problems with the books, having read all of them, because I don’t think you get so much of that just reading the first one.  But if you read the whole series that was one of my biggest issues, that it made it seem like he was in this because of the messed up childhood and that the way he ended up becoming happy was actually by becoming more vanilla… to “fix” him.  That pissed me off.  I did not like that at all.  Because yes, while there are people that are in the scene maybe due to things that happened in their childhood, I certainly know that that’s not everybody and I think that it’s perpetuating that stereotype that it is everybody.  That if you’re into kink you must have been molested as a child or abused as a child and that’s simply not true.  Can it be true? Absolutely. But it can be true for somebody that is vanilla as well.

Do you think that BDSM is becoming more accepted by mainstream society and do you think that kinksters today have a legitimate fear of being outed or kink shamed?

I think because of things like 50 shades, again there are some positives to that.  And it’s not just 50 shades, somebody was pointing out the other day that there are so many TV shows now that incorporate bdsm and kink.

True Blood is full of it!

(laughs) …yes but even, you know, crime shows and regular dramas and things like that.  It might just be a two second scene but there’s a lot more of it out there in mainstream society and media.  And I think it does open up the mainstream society to becoming more accepting. We still have a while to go – it’s baby steps – just like with anything else.  Just like with women’s rights and LGBT issues and all of these things.   I mean you look at Caitlyn Jenner and that whole story and that will be another baby step for the transgender community.  But absolutely if people feel like their families or their jobs are at stake i think it’s sad that that’s the case because i feel like it’s your personal life. But yes, some people are worried about that. I get it and I understand it and it’s why we have so many things in place to protect people’s identity.  My personal opinion is it sucks that people have to worry about it.  Like nobody would want to have to be worried about being fired because they really enjoy horseback riding. It’s your personal life.  So I think it’s sad but at the same time it is slowly becoming more accepted.

Do you ever run into your therapy clients at play parties? And is that awkward?

I do. It is a conversation in our first session. I let them know just like I let vanilla clients know before I was even in the scene, “look… I may run into you”.  I live where I work. I might run into  you at the movie theater.  I might run into you, in this case, at a party, or a munch.  “Do you think that’s going to be an issue?”, is the first part of it and they generally say that’s not a big deal. My second part of that is “OK, if it happens and if there are any feelings about it or awkwardness or you or I  feel like it’s affecting our work then we’ll have a discussion about it.”  But it’s something I do bring up mostly just to prepare people in the very first session so that they understand that that could happen.  I also explain just like with vanilla clients that their confidentiality is theirs to break. I will never run up to them and talk about our last session or whatever and have someone else ask how I know them and say they’re in therapy with me! I’m never gonna break that confidentiality.  If they break it that’s on them. But that’s one nice thing about my classes is that it’s also very easy to just say they took my class. So I do go over that one.  I can’t claim to be a therapist that is active in the scene if I’m too worried to go out, right?

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues.  She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening.

 

UPDATE: Five Aspects of BDSM We Forget

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handcuffs

This is an update of an article I originally wrote back in January 2016. I decided to resurrect it with some new (and some same) info, for your reading pleasure!

While I love the lifestyle and specifically the very active scene in my home town of Los Angeles, there are key elements that are sometimes overlooked or completely forgotten. In an effort to not make this a list of rants, I’ve tried to offer supportive insight and advice for each item. Feel free to elaborate and add onto the list in the comments!

1. Proper introductions. While protocols are often touted as the norm, I often see folks completely ignore proper hellos and introductions leading to incredibly awkward yet avoidable conversation. Perhaps it’s the dungeon atmosphere that makes people nervous or maybe it’s a Dominant that’s too big for his/her britches, but a polite and respectful “Hello my name is Sir Domly McDomerton-it’s a pleasure to meet you” goes a long way. This etiquette flows over onto FetLife messaging as well. Also, don’t forget to introduce your friend/partner/sub/slave to new or old acquaintances as well. This will ease awkwardness and reinforce the dynamic. If your dynamic includes not introducing your slave/submissive/property as part of punishment or perhaps humiliation play, it may be helpful to indicate as such to ease awkwardness. If all else fails, pretend it’s normal vanilla life and treat people like people. Being at a dungeon or even a munch doesn’t fall too far outside of the ability to treat others as you’d want to be treated.

2. Aftercare. I know you’re sick of hearing about it, but this is a super important ending to almost every scene. Pretend like the scene is a gift and the aftercare is wrapping up the entire package in a nice, clean bow. Maybe you don’t feel like you’ll ever need aftercare, at least check in with the other person for a polite thank you and “how do you feel.” It’s better to be the person who asked about aftercare needs as it shows maturity and experience in the lifestyle. Don’t forget that some Dom/mes may need or want aftercare too. Return the favor!

3. Attending classes. There are enough know-it-alls in the world, please do not fall prey to being one of them. You know the type-they know everything there is from flogging to hook suspension and beyond. While it’s all good and well to be confident, it’s even more important to be well balanced, safe, and educated in your “craft”-for lack of a better word. This goes for both Dominants and submissives. Submissives may feel like they just need a good Dom/me to teach them everything. Be proactive. Being educated is your best protection against injury and avoiding predators in the lifestyle. Most Dom/mes of quality will find your education in the lifestyle an asset rather than a hindrance. In my opinion, if a Dom/me ever tries to stop you from attending classes or educational opportunities, you should run the other direction.

4. Balance. I have personally found that there needs to be balance with BDSM vs. vanilla activities. I learned this early on from my first ever play partner. At the time, I didn’t understand it because I was new and wanted to experience everything to do with kink right then and there. I had the fever, so to speak. Now that I’ve grown from that and have many more experiences under my belt, I actually enjoy vanilla activities equal to, if not more than the BDSM ones. There are a few friends of mine who, like myself are lifestylers, but they have somehow lost the social grace to act appropriately in vanilla public- things like inappropriate touching or talking loudly about kink activities in mixed company. Remember, while you’re kink is your life and expression, much like a religious fanatic it is not your “right” to force your lifestyle on someone else or make people feel uncomfortable around you. This not only further damages the impression vanilla folks have about BDSM but it also alienates you from making potential connections and educating people about kink. You’re an ambassador of the lifestyle whether you like it or not. However I do have to admit it’s often fun making mundane vanilla activities kinky. Use your imagination and discretion 😉

5. This leads me too…taking a break. It happens to the most experienced lifestylers. Sometimes you just want to hide out in your house for an entire weekend instead of attending a play party every night. Maybe you are over taxed from work and simply cannot commit to a munch a week. This is ok and does not make you any less of a player in the community. Your kink is what you make it and that includes setting boundaries for your personal time. From a safety point of view, if you’re a heavy player or someone that plays often, you should allow yourself time to heal and not just for a few days in between. Make sure to assess your health and be honest about potential long term damage.

6. Having a variety of friends. This can mean a lot of things. Of course everyone has a large circle of acquaintances. Recently, Dexx and I realized we were often spending time with the same people over and over. We love these people and the group dynamic is fun when we get together. What’s wrong with that you may ask? We should all endeavor to keep our scope, skillsets, and opinions broad, informed, and well rounded. It’s not that we will stop seeing our favorite people, we’ll simply add new folks into the mix. Going to classes helps in this regard as well. Another approach is to attend play parties outside of your regularly scheduled events. I’m a voyeur. I love watching a great dynamic play. I identify as a submissive but I bet could learn a thing or two from attending a FemDom party-and guess what?! I did! I attended Women in Charge of Kink, a Female Dom/male submissive dynamic party and it was a total blast. I spoke with a ton of wonderful women and met some charming men as well. I’ve even continued the conversation on this type of dynamic since the party.

If the concept of opening up your circle of friends sounds distasteful or uncomfortable, I urge you to give it a shot. It’s good to feel uncomfortable every once in a while.

Writer, model, babygirl, submissive. After trying vanilla relationships one time too many, anniebear finally realized her submissive desires and discovered the BDSM community. When not writing for Kink Weekly, she enjoys spankings and being tied with rope.

What’s Your Kink?

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Fetish Hand cuffs, collar, whip dominatrix

Obviously, kinks are important; after all we are titled KINK Weekly! So, let’s look at the world of kink!

“Kink” (dictionary.com): bizarre or unconventional sexual preferences or behavior

I do not work for the NBC Poll. But, I would bet that most people have sexual and/or play kinks. In the so-called vanilla world, they are usually viewed in a negative way. As a result, most mainstream commentators think that kinkiness is not the norm. But is anyone truly normal? Besides, normal or not, being kinky can be a lot of fun.

Post “Fifty Shades of Gray,” those even slightly into this lifestyle have a fresher way of looking at kinks and fetishes. Many are accepting that the danger of kinks lies not in having them, but in not acting on them. (We are of course, talking about consensual, legal adult kinks.)

The list of kinks is almost endless. In our handy-dandy Kink Weekly Checklist (below), there are more than two pages. And this is far from complete. Here is the checklist:

Abandonment
Acrophobia – being aroused from heights.
Acrotomophilia – being aroused by amputees.
Agalmatophilia – being aroused by statues.
Ass worship
Barosmia – being aroused by smells.
Being recorded
Body parts (including surgically enhanced)
Bondage
Boot worship
Branding
Brown showers
Catheterization
Chains
Chamber pots
Choking
Clamps
Cock cages
Cock rings
Corsets
Cross-dressing
Dirty sex (literal) – sexual activity in and around dirt, mud, or oil.
Douching
Electricity
Enemas
Erotic dancing
Exhibitionism
Fear play
Feathers/fur
Fire play
Foot worship
Caging
Confinement
Getting pain
Golden showers
Group sex
Cuckolding
Giving pain
Gun play
High heel worship
High Protocol
Humiliation
Immobilization
Infantilism
Knife play
Lactation
Latex
Leather
Lingerie
Medical instruments
Needles
Nuru massage
Obedience
Oral sex
Piercing (temporary and permanent)
Pet play
Piss play
Posing
Prostitution (role play)
Prostitution (real)
Public exposure
PVC
Recording scenes
Rituals
Saline infusion
Saran wrap
Sensory deprivation
Shaving
Skinny-dipping
Sex Slavery
Slut play
Spandex
Spanking
Speculums (anal)
Speculums (vaginal)
Spitting
Swallowing semen
Taking erotic photos
Tasting yourself
Tattoos
Tickling
Training
Uniforms
Voyeurism
Wax play
Wearing fluids
Whips
Wrestling
Writing on submissive

Quite a list. Hard to get bored around here!

We all have at least some of these kinks. “Rituals,” “Slut play” and “Sex Slavery” are just three of my many kinks. And, if you add to the list some of the more common “vanilla” fetishes such as the ever-popular “big breast” fetish, you can see that the only people without kinks and fetishes are those that don’t admit to having them. Think of our list as a “Kink Buffet”: pick out those that turn you on, skip the ones that don’t!

So, how do you find a partner to indulge your kinky needs? The best way is this super-effective technique, exclusive to Kink Weekly that I will share with you. Just ask (even at the risk of getting slapped) every prospective partner, “What’s your kink?” (Thus, the title of the article. It took awhile, but we got there!) This line works – even in vanilla settings. It has an edginess and gets to the point rather quickly.

Since everyone has a kink, why not find out if someone’s perversions dovetail into yours? “What’s your kink,” or the alternate “What’s your fetish?” asked even at a vanilla bar, might just be the ticket!

And in future issues, we will spotlight many of these kinks both in word and image. Here at Kink Weekly, we want our members to be able to “scratch that kinky itch.” Because if you don’t, you might have a permanent frown on your face!

By Baadmaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

anniebear Interviews Justin Sayne Leather

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alligator cuffs

I sat down with Justin Sayne in his downtown loft during his last week in Los Angeles. He was in the midsts of packing up his shop and moving back to Arizona to continue his work.

anniebear: We’re here with Justin Sayne of Justin Sayne Leather-see what he did there (laughs). So you craft fine leather toys and accessories. You’re pretty well known for that because you use some interesting materials, that being the crocodile skin. Is that something you’ve always worked with or did you sort of happen upon that material?

alligator paddles

Justin: I came across that material a couple of years ago at a leather convention in Prescott, AZ of all places. I saw the tales from across the room and I’m like that’s a fetish toy. I wasn’t sure how and I wasn’t sure what, I mean it was thirty yards away and there was a table of them. From great big to small and I was thinking that’s brilliant, that’s the part of the animal that nature intended to be a whip-this is on! Coincidentally when I looked at it I realized I already made single tales in the same fashion out of latigo. Pretty much the stuff they make belts out of. A couple of other toys, little slappers were pretty much the same thing the only difference was the material and exactly what to do with the material. The parts we’re using it doesn’t really matter if its alligator or crocodile because the part is about the same on both animals at that point. I generally use farmed alligators because that’s what’s available a lot. But strangely enough we’ve gotten elephant, giraffe, the list is just so vast of what the exotics are right now and what’s coming. You’ve not seen anything unless you’ve seen an elephant trunk flogger.

Do you have one?

I sold it.

(Laughs) Was the elephant ill gotten?

No no no! They’re farming them and more than that we outlawed the import of trophies so the safari trade died. That’s where all the poaching material is going to anyway. Nobody told mom nature that we were going to quit taking animals. It’s not like we were hunting only the ones-there was still a controlled hunt in Africa. The poachers were taking too many. Well elephants and giraffes breed well. Rhinoceroses not so much, I can’t get rhino. But you tell mom nature that now you need the water and food and space not all of the animals that are but all of their offspring, their not going get knocked off they’re not going to be hunted and thinned out so you just don’t turn up mom nature. Now they’re to the point where the government is paying people to come and take them. On top of the farms. That’s what happened with the lion deal. There’re so many big animals out there this country says I can get more out of this used up lion by taking this animal the other males are going to push further and reproduce even harder.

So when I ran into the alligators, there’re tons of these, there’s plenty of them but not so many that everybody is going to be able to get their fingers on it.

Do you dye the leather yourself or do they come in those colors?

They come in so many colors. Seriously, this mix up in the Middle East has done weird stuff like they’ve been raising sheep and lambs over there for a long time, they still do it by hand. And we weren’t getting a lot of the import export trade out of the
Middle East for a long time so now we’re in a situation where all of these skins have hit the market and not only has it put the Asian, American, South American markets on alert because here’s a whole new continent putting out skin and not only the skin they’re producing now but the stuff that’s stacked up over so many years. So everyone is stepping up their game. The leather is just bitchin’ right now. I can get lambskin that look like a mirror.

A mirror?

Yes, you can see yourself in them.

Do you feel like the flogger and toy market has been more saturated because of that or has it kind of just stayed steady?

Well you’re seeing some of those materials in the custom market and strangely enough its giving us the leverage to compete with the “use it once throw it away” market. Before a guy with an idea and a cute little leather toy really kind of got chuckled at when he said he was going to make a living off of this. These days it may be beans and rice it may be very fancy beans and rice.

Do you work by yourself or do you have friends or colleagues?

Up to now I’ve worked with myself. I’m starting to add others and its kind of odd. There’s a lady from Indiana I met her here [in Los Angeles]. She’s actually looking at coming to Arizona to work full time as well, between the two of us I’ve got more shop space than both of our Los Angeles places combined. Another fella has been adding some support and he’s going to be around a while. So I mean people are starting to catch on and hang on you can kind of tell you’ve got something going when people start to show up.

Right, and support.

As opposed to “hey man high fives can I get a discount”?

So how long have you been working with leather in general?

I started, what is this 2016? I started in 09-10.

Quite awhile then. Self taught?

Yes and no. I had a really good mentor, Debbie and she actually hired me-it’s a long story. She hired me on a whim. I knew nothing about leather it wasn’t even to do with leather it happened to be her show season and when I was done with what she had me do she asked me if I could model a loin cloth. And I’m like what the fuck is a loin cloth. A couple of very uncomfortable pictures later she kind of figured I was a good sport and started showing me what I was doing. The fetish stuff actually came from-it started in her shop and being a single woman with a child in a small town and a quiet leather business she decided it was too much fan for her fire so she taught me everything she could at that time and mostly; 1. Don’t ever turn down a leather worker that really needs something ever. 2. Always teach someone that’s serious about cutting leather, never say no, no matter how much you don’t like them and, 3. Don’t ever make a mistake. Ever. If you break something lay it aside and see what its good for.

Like if you make a wrong cut on something because you can always parts of it later?

Well a mistake is something you didn’t mean to do that means that its different, that there’s potential there, its just not what you need today.

That’s a really good way of looking at stuff.

You see what I mean? It’s not like tearing a piece of paper, something had to die for that. So you make a bad cut you can’t throw it away but even on the floor I just sweep it up, the little tiny pieces in the nooks and crannies. I keep as much as I possibly can. I’ll find something for it. It’s something waiting to happen. Some of my best stuff as far as I’m concerned was junk that was lying around the shop that one day I happened to be straightening up and set them together and go GASP! It happened to me the other day.

My bandana was lying on the floor. I use these for shit. They’re fun. But girls especially are familiar with a nice soft cotton bandana. My stuff is expensive, I’m looking for stuff under $100, stuff under $100 made of leather-people don’t want it. They complain it’s too expensive. You hand them something that’s worth $100 for $50 and they’re like “but this $400 one is so nice.” So it’s a struggle. So I’m sitting here thinking what about blindfolds, what about gags. If you just fold these and sew them and maybe put a leather band around them, everybody knows how to use this as a blindfold, they know how to tie it, its comfortable. Do it a little further and you’ve got a ball gag. It’s beginner stuff, its cheap but they come in all colors. Point is, I’ve had a million of these. But the one that was laying on my table, I was like, look there’s my blindfold. It’s a mistake! I took my thing off and laid it on the table.

And then the idea!

That’s where it comes from. The bulk of what I’ve got that was cool either came from a mistake or trying to right a wrong or trying to fix something I broke. Even the leather convention I was at when I found the alligator was because I made the mistake of actually buying expensive leather. I needed something cheaper. I had to go digging that up. That was the last thing Debbie taught me. Make those mistakes home runs.

alligator whip

Switching gears a little, it seems like you’re pretty active in the LA scene.

I wouldn’t say I’m active. I appear.

You make appearances (laughs). So you hosted the slave auction and you’ll go to the market events with your leather. Do you really go to play parties much?

No. If I’m not working it, I don’t go.

How did you get into the stuff that you go to in the community? Did you just approach people and say hey can I host or did you already know people?

When I got to do the slave auction I was new in LA. I wasn’t even sure that I was staying. I was just lingering. My problem, the issue I had with moving here-there’s business and there’s pleasure and in my situation those too things massively overlap. So my thought was don’t go into a scene (into this scene) expecting to make the money and get the women and not give back. Because that’s really what it comes down to but that’s exactly how these people are going to see it. “Who is this guy? We’ve been building this scene forever. Now he’s going to come in here and earn off of us and get the girls and giggle?” No. That ain’t nice. So before I even busted out a toy or even told anybody who I was I went to the dungeon, I paid the cover I told them what I wanted.

First time I got toys out was in private with the boss. The first time I got a toy out in LA on this trip was out of request in private. That being said, I left those toys in that private room. Went to the club I paid to hang out in. That’s the way it was for the longest time. From those conversations actually I heard about the slave auction and went and begged for the opportunity. I had to straight out explain I’m a retired auctioneer. I’ve never done a slave auction. This was just great! What can I pay, I’ll donate stuff! And they asked me to come back indefinitely as far as I know. Its really just about giving before I expected anything. That’s how its supposed to be. I just got active by just trying to pay some respect before I expected anything and I don’t know if it worked but I tried. I’m sure I got my haters.

I haven’t heard of any haters!

Oh come on, at least one or two?

Nah.

Ok…I’ll try harder.

Justin working in his shop.
Justin working in his shop.

(Laughs) How long have you been kinky either actively or just knowing it was within yourself?

My mom bought a strip club when I was fourteen. And I got to work in there

When you were fourteen?

Yup.

You really got an education.

Yea, I wouldn’t have been able to define kinky when I started cutting leather. I really thought that I was just the naughty black sheep more than anything. I worked strip clubs my whole life. Gotten out of it, got back into it. Actually paid my way to auctioneer school from selling some stock and my tips from Christies. Everything that I did in life was from what I was making at the strip club. By the time I got cutting leather I’d gotten out of all that. My son was around full time, gotten a house in the middle of nowhere, little cottage. I was done. It was actually Debbie that said the market’s down I need for my RenFair material to turn black and have a line of toys so I can just double up easily. She just simply had this theory that the closest thing to RenFair material was bondage material and she would just simply cross over. She thought it would be seamless.

So I didn’t know what a flogger was. She sent me home to figure out a line of toys and I didn’t even know the definition of flogger. You could have shown that to me and I’d have been like oh that’s tickly! Now when I finally started going to parties I realized there’s something to this and where I’m from you don’t hit girls so that was a problem. And I kind of came out of the Phoenix scene and was extremely heavy handed. So you can see that from the toys, I mean they’re brutal. And I can’t say I always knew I was kinky but I do know that the journey when I figured out what kink was on accident, there was definitely a fit there, an outlet personally I had no idea I had an artistic bone in my body. You know the whole artists label is something that I try to shun. But people keep using that word and people could be wrong but I didn’t even know that existed much less creativity. I knew I could get through my life but some of the stuff I’ve seen come off my table I never dreamed of. I didn’t know I was kinky until in the essence of the word until I found a girlfriend that made me confortable. There I was dabbling, earning, designing, providing toys for people to be kinky providing stuff kinky had never seen before and there I was, “can you show me how to use this?”

This thingy I made?

No seriously, I had a string of Doms that would handle my shit and try it out because I had zero clue and had no problems saying so! And don’t want to, go on right ahead. I really didn’t know I was kinky until I was dating this fetish model that she sat down at my table and we made her a toy. And it was a slappy and stingy on one end and had a real thuddy handle and then it had a tickly tip on the other side. And that was what she wanted. She Wanted thuddy, tickly, and stingy. And we went through the whole entire process of custom making something just for her tender little needs. And by the time it was done I was dying to use it and it worked very well. (laughs)

alligator whip 2

I saw some of your stuff in The Black Room [a fetish leather store] in Vegas. That’s pretty awesome huh?

Yea I love those guys

How long has that been going on?

Franz [the owner] has been supporting me from the jump! That guy, that scratchy old German no matter how pissed off, busy, late, that guy has been a supporter from the beginning. As far as I’m concerned, there’ll be stuff in The Black Room until The Black Room Turns white.

Yes, we actually interviewed Tara while we were in Vegas but Franz couldn’t join us.

She is phenomenal, she works her ass off.

I know they’ve been having a hell of a time in Vegas with all of the drama with the dungeon. It’s a shame.

What’s worse than that, Tara took on that whole entire place so the globe would have an accessible dungeon to come and have and they could fly straight into Vegas. Her heart is in this. If the best place to put that would have been Berlin and she’d have had that opportunity she would have went there. The fact that it’s so easy to get into Vegas from every country on Earth, and just minutes from the airport in a place that size, the fact that she would take that on. The community should have busted their ass to make sure she succeeded, there should have been zero question.

It seems the local community there isn’t unified around any one thing.

I had a club in Phoenix, I don’t know what it is but it’s a real fractured community as well. Not as much now but it was then just like Las Vegas. Somebody new coming up now we’re gonna have a place to play. It’s not that it was up against the fifty others. Here’s a place you can buy a piece of leather you can get strapped to a cross, scream as loud as you want and oh yea if you get here before ten o’clock there was a Greek restaurant in the parking lot. I’d have free night and people wouldn’t show up. Now some nights the place was packed even if it was a twenty dollar bill to get in. When it came to hey lets make sure we maintain this space no matter who’s running it, nope not even a flicker and then everyone will complain that there’s no place to go. Not like in LA where if you don’t like where you’re hanging out there’s three others within driving distance. That has nothing to do with the house parties.

What advice would you give to someone brand new just starting out?

Take advice. We all give it, you should take it. You don’t have to take it and run with it but take notes. Maybe ask around. Take that advice to a munch or a party. Spread it out a little bit, asking will fill someone else’s ears that hadn’t heard it. I mean I could give “play safe” but nobody is going to listen to that. Take advice, We all have some. And as many Domly Doms that are out there that will chuck it out for free, suck it up, take it with a grain of salt if you have to. We’ve all had experiences. We’ve all fucked up, me first. We’ve all hurt people we didn’t mean to. Don’t hang your head and be like “I didn’t know.” We’re not all super Dom or super sub. Don’t be shy about stealing advice, dip into other people’s conversation. Butt in if you have to. I don’t think there’s anything better that can be said.

My Lifelong Love of Leather

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mdhl

For as long as I can remember I have been in love with leather. It seems it’s just always been there, though I was not always aware of it. There is just something comforting and wonderful about it. The look, the feel, the smell; they combine to produce an effect in me that just feels like home.

As a kid I read a lot; I mean a LOT. I was mostly drawn to science fiction and fantasy novels, and when I discovered stories about Conan the Barbarian and other similar characters I was hooked and read everything I could get my hands on. The main characters in these stories were always powerful men, warriors clad in leather and furs, be it hardened leather armor or plain animal skins for warmth; leather was always very prominent. There were also frequent references to gear, whips, flogs, bindings, and various other things that would eventually become much more familiar to me. It began to form a perception in my mind about the relationship between dominant, warrior men and leather. Little did I realize how important this would become to me later in life.

My adolescent idols were always rock stars, and especially heavy metal bands. Groups like Judas Priest and KISS, all decked out in their leather and chrome studded outfits not only appealed to me because of their music, but because of their style as well. It just seemed like the epitome of masculine power to my teenaged brain.

I can distinctly remember buying my very first leather jacket. I was 18 years old and made my first trip to the Wilson’s leather store. You didn’t even have to enter the store before the smell would wash over you like a warm smothering wind. Just stepping into that place was like entering heaven for me.

I tried on many items that day; pants, gloves, overcoats, but finally settled on a simple, waist length, black leather jacket; not quite motorcycle style, but very masculine looking. It felt powerful and primal and as I looked at myself wearing it in the mirror, seemingly transformed by it somehow, it felt like a rite of passage. For years afterward that jacket went everywhere I did. I wore it ALL the time.

So I suppose it’s no real surprise that as an adult entering the lifestyle, I was drawn immediately to the leather culture. However at that time I was very inexperienced in all the idiosyncrasies of kink lifestyle, and at first it seemed that the leather culture was primarily dominated by gay males; which is in fact where the male leather culture originally comes from. But one thing I knew for certain, even at that time, was that I was not gay, and didn’t really care to engage in any kinky activity with gay men. No judgement, just not my thing.

Regardless, I was determined to be who I am, even if I was the only one. Before attending my first public kink party on New Year’s Eve in Vancouver, BC, I headed to the local motorcycle shop in search of leathers to wear to the party. I found a great pair of pants and a black leather vest which seemed perfect. Party attire secured, I set out to make a bold impression right out of the gate. Unfortunately being so new to the scene I didn’t realize that the spiked leather dog collar I also included in my outfit would single me out as a submissive!!

So, after having to turn down several would-be male suitors, I decided to ditch the collar. Lesson learned. I obviously had much to figure out.

Eventually I made my way back home to Los Angeles only to discover a veritable beehive of kink and fetish related activity, and soon I was attending munches and parties and gaining a small circle of friends. By this time I had a leather motorcycle jacket and wore either it or my trusty vest everywhere I went. But I didn’t see many other men wearing leather like I did. I knew I had to be missing something.

Then one night at my regular munch I spotted one, a tall, imposing male figure clad in a leather vest just like I was. But where mine was plain, his was emblazoned proudly with a series of patches on the front, his name, a tri-colored flag and other things I couldn’t quite make out. And on the back of his vest, big and bold in Red, Black and Silver, a crest with a crown and the name of what I assumed must be a motorcycle club. He was confident, intimidating and looked like he wouldn’t take any crap from anyone.

I asked the munch host if she knew who he was and she told me what little she knew, but then before I had a chance to go introduce myself, he was gone. But I had some hope at last that there were others like me out there, if only I could find them.

It wasn’t long into my time in the scene here in LA, that I began looking for a mentor. I was at a stage where I wanted to really take my lifestyle seriously and I knew I needed help. A former girlfriend recommended someone she had met and was playing with and he was one of the men I reached out to regarding mentorship, and as it turns out the only one to respond. He recommended that I attend a meeting of the Los Angeles chapter of the MDHL, where he said he and some of his friends would be in attendance.

I didn’t even know what MDHL was, but I wanted to talk to him so I agreed to go. I had even less of an idea how much this one small thing would change my life.
I showed up, leather vest and all only to find myself soon surrounded by more than a dozen men in leather; vests, jackets, and most with that same crest I had seen at the munch a couple of months earlier. I had found them!!

I soon learned that MDHL stands for Male Dominant Heterosexual Leather, and that like LGBT, it is a community, a means of identification, and a specific lifestyle. I thought I’d died and found nirvana!! (the paradise, not the band) Finally! My people, and in organized numbers!

As I sat there listening to the open discussion of MDHL/female submissive relationships, and the lifestyle itself, I became overwhelmed with a sense of belonging, and could tell that these men and women were among the most serious about this way of life of anyone I had met so far. They talked about things like respect, honor, commitment and service to the community. These were no mere amateurs, this meant something to them.

I met my mentor that night, one of the men in that vest, and after talking with him for a while, asked for his help and guidance in my path. There was just something about the way he spoke and carried himself that impressed me greatly.

As time went on under his example and friendship I learned a great deal about what it means to be a dominant Leatherman, as well as what the leather lifestyle means to me and those around me. To us, leather is more than just a fashion statement, and MDHL more than a casual means of identification. The brotherhood runs deep. The bond of leather is something we all respect, cherish and protect enthusiastically. Leather Dominants often refer to each other as brothers and express genuine love and respect for each other.

Leather means brotherhood, self-discipline and honor. There is a tradition of respect, for oneself and for others that earn it, an open minded exchange of ideas and information, and eager activity in the community at large.

I also learned that those men wearing the crest on their vests were a close knit group of leathermen who had formed a fraternal organization among themselves. A group of very serious and experienced players who shared their love of the lifestyle and each other like family. This is, in my experience, a rare thing, especially among dominant men. It can sometimes be hard to just have a friendly conversation with another dominant in the room, or even form a casual friendship, let alone a lifelong bond. There is often so much ego based posturing and defensiveness that any real relationship is blocked; but not so with these men. I am now honored to be prospecting to more closely join this brotherhood, and proudly display a prospect patch right above my MDHL flag.

Surprisingly those of us that are MDHL have had perhaps more than our share of discrimination in our own community. It’s odd to me that in a world where literally almost anything goes, those of us who are heterosexual men, who like to wear leather and have our S and M scenes with submissive women get a fair amount of negative reaction from other factions, even though we may be doing the exact same things. It seems that, for some, its fine for a man to tie up and beat on another man, or for a woman to do so to another woman, or even for a woman to do it to a man. But the minute you get a man doing these things to a woman, there is a discomfort level that some folks just can’t seem to handle. Throw a black leather jacket or, god forbid, a motorcycle into the mix and watch out!

I think this may be a remnant left over from what I like to call “vanilla conditioning”; or a set or perceived values that is not necessarily coming from what the person feels, but rather from what society at large deems appropriate. Which if you think about it, in our community is pretty ridiculous, but hey, it happens. Certainly genuine abuse is wrong, and should not be condoned in any sense. But there is such a stigma over men beating up women that, even though we absolutely operate within the bounds of consent just like anyone else in the lifestyle, we are viewed by some as abusers for indulging in very common practices found in BDSM relationships. Practices nearly everyone else is also doing.

So part of the benefit of openly identifying as MDHL, and further, in being a part of a close group of like-minded folks, is gaining and sharing an awareness, creating a safe place where we can commune and be ourselves, knowing that we are not alone, and doing our part to educate the community at large. This is something I’m sure anyone who thinks back to their early days of first being aware that there was something “different” about their sexuality, and maybe even being ashamed of it, can identify with and agree is supremely important. Because the simple fact is we are out there, doing our thing, and we’re not going anywhere.

We are not abusers. We are in fact some of the most conscientious and respectful people in the scene today. Men like me take ownership of their actions and always strive to provide a safe environment for their submissives to express their sexuality. We absolutely cherish and protect our submissives because they are precious to us. We place an extremely high value on tradition, order, honor and respect. BDSM and the MDHL lifestyle are inextricably linked to who I am as a person and a sexual being, and it has taken me a lot to become comfortable with that. So I won’t stand by quietly and hear my lifestyle judged or torn down by anyone who doesn’t approve or understand it.

For me, it has certainly been a long and winding road, and in many waysI feel like I’m still near the beginning of my journey. But I feel very fortunate to have found my niche, and even more so to have found a safe haven to express myself in the way I need to without being judged or black balled. This is what the leather community has meant to me, and I look forward to even more experiences within it as my journey continues.

Frederick M. is 24/7 MDHL; Male Dominant Heterosexual Leather and proudly mentored by a member of the Monarchs. He currently resides in Los Angeles practicing polyamory with his two lovely submissives.

The Vanilla Matrix

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matrix

So the other day I was listening to Perverted Podcast on a long drive to Orange County. A topic came up that inspired this article. I want to give credit where credit is due. Two of the hosts were comparing the BDSM community and mainstream, or “vanilla” community in terms of which one is the “real” world and which one is like an alternate universe. One host, Kathy said she felt like the BDSM world was like an alternate universe, but then the other host Boogie countered with the idea that the BDSM world is really the real world and the vanilla world is the alternate universe because of all the way people are or feel the need to be, fake. That the vanilla world and the people in it are living the illusion.

This got me thinking. While I can see both perspectives and understand how many people will see it from Kathy’s perspective – I have to say I see it from Boogie’s point of view. This is not a right or wrong issue, it’s subjective. They continued their conversation in their own unique direction, so here is where my mind went with it.
I think it comes down to how honest and open people can be – whether it’s with a romantic partner, friends, coworkers, family, etc. It’s not to say everyone needs to be kinky. However, how many people out there are kinky or simply not happy with their sex life who feel they can’t discuss it or don’t know how to discuss it? How many really interesting conversations don’t happen because the subjects are “taboo”?

I have the experience of having lived a vanilla life with a vanilla marriage with regular communication and expectations. I have vanilla friends and family that share with me their experiences. Then I compare all that to my more recent relationships in the BDSM world and with D/s dynamics and I can’t help but say I’m relieved I found this “world”. First of all, I now have so many people in my life who I can have a conversation with about ANYTHING without judgement nor fear of being looked at or treated like a freak. Keep in mind I have broken some of the barriers between worlds as I am “out” to my friends and parents who are very supportive of me. Still, there are things I may not bring up with them just because I don’t want to put them on the spot or embarrass them. However, at least I can be honest about who I am and the lifestyle I live.

Now let’s look at romantic relationships. This is where I see a huge difference between worlds. This opinion has been formed from, not only, my own experience, but also people I know, as well as clientele over the years. I could sit here and go through a ton of differences between vanilla and D/s relationships, however I believe one of the biggest differences that effects couples the most is transparent communication. I cannot express how important I think this is. For two people to learn how to (and actually practice) sitting down and having the most real conversations of their life, not only helps them resolve issues, but also brings them a level of understanding and connection they wouldn’t have otherwise. If you’re not sure what I mean by transparent communication, I will give you a quick (and not too heavy) example.

Same scenario, two different couples. One vanilla, one D/s (or vanilla but utilizing T.C.). I will use the heteronormative husband and wife. So the scenario is that both husbands and both wives work outside the home, yet the wife is also expected to do some household chores which includes laundry. The husband continuously throws his dirty socks towards the laundry basket but often doesn’t make it inside the basket and doesn’t bother to fix it. In the vanilla relationship the wife constantly “nags” the husband about his socks and they keep fighting about it whenever it happens. Or maybe after a while she stops nagging and just becomes quietly resentful. The husband is thinking his wife is overreacting because what’s the big deal? When she grabs the basket to do laundry it’s not that hard to grab whatever is around on the floor. So they have this spat for years. Now, let’s look at this with the other couple that uses T.C. The wife sits down with her husband and actually expresses, without anger, why she gets so frustrated with the socks. That it makes her feel unappreciated and why. The husband now has a deeper understanding for how his wife feels and can not only express remorse for hurting her feelings (because that was never his intent) but is much more likely to stop the behavior because they aren’t caught up in a power struggle.

This was one tiny example of how – I believe – D/s couples (who are more likely to use this form of communication, especially on deeper issues) are living more authentically. When I have started a relationship with someone who is new to the BDSM world and I introduce them to this kind of openness and vulnerability it’s a huge jump for them. I can tell that, even though it can be more difficult, they can also see and feel the magnitude of how the relationship itself is impacted in a more positive, or at least more honest and open, way.

So, yes, I do believe the BDSM world is very “real” and that, in many ways, the vanilla world is the matrix or the “front”. Where people live by “shoulds” and are fearful of discussing taboo subjects or allowing themselves to be too vulnerable to their partners. I hope that this will change over time. Not that more people will be kinky, but that more people will be willing to learn from us and become more open and honest – with themselves and others in their life.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.