Journey

The Dynamics of 24/7 D/s

November 2, 2015 By Baadmaster 3 Comments

Comedian Steven Wright tells a story where, at 4 A.M., he goes to a diner that says, “Open 24 Hours” It was closed. The next day he asks the owner, “Aren’t you open 24 hours?” The owner replies, “Yeah, we are…but not in a row!”

There are many takes on the 24/7 Master/slave subject, but I personally believe you can be 24/7…but it doesn’t have to be “in a row.” (Note: 24/7 should not be confused with High Protocol relationships. We will cover Protocols – High, Medium and Low — in a future Kink Weekly edition.)

I know some couples in linear “in a row” 24/7 Master/slave relationships; but most Master/slave relationships are not of this variety. In fact, with real world concerns such as jobs and kids, this type of linear 24/7 Master/slave relationship is almost impossible — except for the few who are willing to make the demanding commitment that this type of relationship requires. Keeping these factors in mind, I have come up with a working definition that seems to cover all the bases.

“24/7 Master/slave is a mental/physical state of non-stop ownership.”

This definition explains why even non-live-in 24/7 Master/slave unions can be every bit as powerful their 24/7 live-in counterparts. My personal belief is that one can be owned 24/7, much like one can be married 24/7 — the marriage doesn’t end when you leave each other’s presence. But in the BDSM world there are many techniques that can be used to ensure the 24/7 dynamic stays strong – even when separated.

For example, in a collared relationship, the actual collar is a constant reminder of the slave’s submission. Worn at all times, it serves as a constant reminder that the slave is connected and owned by the Master – twenty-four hours, seven days a week. The collar has its spiritual component; it symbolizes the Master touching the slave’s neck at all times. It is, to almost all of us, a lot more than just a vanilla necklace. It might be said that the slave collar is the single biggest symbol that connects the slave to the Master/Mistress at all times.

But, there are other techniques that can keep the D/s dynamic intact when the two are apart. For example, I know a slave who wears ankle cuffs under her pants when she is in the business world. Many Dom/mes make their slaves wear some sexual device – such as a butt plug – while they are apart. This works – but it is usually not practical for a slave who has a desk job. LOL!

Luckily, there are new technologies that enable those in non-linear Master/slave relationships to maintain, and even add to, their 24/7 dynamic.
With the emergence of the smart phone, Master/slave relationships have a new ally. With the clever use of “smart phone-as-protocol,” one can easily uphold the Master/slave hierarchy at all times. For example, the slave can be required to call in when she arrives at work and say an affirmation. It can be one brief sentence (“Sir/Madame, I am your slave”) or even a picture; this can reinforce the both the Dom/me and slave’s consciousness of their respective roles. Smart phone based protocols can duplicate in-person rituals of a Master/slave relationship. 24/7 is a bit easier now than it was in the pay phone era. (“Slave, keep a roll of quarters on you at all times!)

I know a Master who calls his slave during her lunch hour and gives her a small task to perform. It might be very minor – such as her meditating for a minute or two. But, it does strengthen their Master/slave hierarchy in a truly innovative way. Likely the next generation of communication devices will open up even newer ways to extend the range of D/s for those in “24/7 but not in a row” relationships.

But does eliminating linearity as a requirement make it easy to be a 24/7 slave? Of course not. To be a slave, 24/7 or otherwise, requires trust, devotion and the need to serve one’s Master or Mistress. These are qualities that must be cultivated – whether it is 24/7, 5/3 or even long distance.

BDSM is constantly evolving. There cannot be one right way to do it. If you use a rigid definition of 24/7 Master/slave, you are excluding many couples who might have very potent power exchange dynamics. The strength of a slave’s submission, for example, is not necessarily proportional to the amount of hours per week spent in serving his/her Master/Mistress. I think it is, however, relative to the quality of the submission and the strength of the connection between the two – whether by cell phone, telepathy or spirit – during the time they are apart.

So, to those of you who want to own or be a 24/7 slave, this article might make you less scared to attempt it. Keep in mind, that when you wear your Master’s slave collar, you wear it 24/7. You are owned 24/7. Even if not in a row! Tell us what you think in the comments.

by BAADMASTER
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Dexx Interviews Threshold

October 26, 2015 By Dexx 2 Comments

Dexx: You both are board members of Threshold. Could you could tell me a bit of history about Threshold, how long its been around and how it got started?

Boogie: Threshold has been around since approximately 1982. We started as the Society of Janis that came from San Francisco. Then, I believe in 1988 we broke off from the society and changed our name to Threshold. We’ve been serving the community in the Los Angeles area ever since. That was our original history.

There’re a few different dungeons and fetish clubs around LA. What is it about Threshold that sets it apart from some of the other clubs?

Kathy: Threshold is a non-profit organization. Because of that we’re most interested in the education, safety and confidentiality of our members whereas other dungeons – not that there’s anything wrong with it and they certainly serve other portions of the community – they’re privately owned, are maybe professional dungeons where pro-subs and Doms work or they are actual pay dungeons. And as a result they have different goals than we do. Their priorities and goals are different. We are non-profit, we’re run solely by volunteers. We are run by the membership, we have an elected board. And although we do need to maintain a certain financial level, our priority is always going to be the education, the safety and confidentiality of our membership. And there are actually several organizations throughout the world that have similar agendas and goals and here a lot of us are affiliated, so that if I take my card and present if to one of our affiliates in say New Orleans, I can be welcomed as a member to create a family of affiliates. But non-profit educational organizations like us, we have a completely different set of goals than pro dungeons.

So how do you think that changes the experience for somebody that might come to the club as an attendee? Do you think it’s the same going to Threshold versus some of those other clubs or do you think there are some differences?

Boogie: There’s absolutely a difference. What we’ve found is strictly; and everyone here has been to a number of the other dungeons in our community so it’s not like we’ve only been to Threshold, the fact that we’re education based, non-profit, we have rules in place that protect our members. People tend to feel a lot safer here. People who are new tend to gravitate towards Threshold because it’s very well known that we have dungeon monitors and rules in place. You have to have a certain level of etiquette and social awareness to be able to stay in Threshold. So that makes people feel more comfortable playing and being vulnerable here. Once again, we’re not saying that edgier or hardcore or more swinger sexual based dungeons aren’t great, they are, but people tend to feel a lot safer playing here because there’s more of a community, family type of atmosphere here and they feel safer opening up and exploring that part of themselves here.

I gather the club is open to people of a wide variety of different orientations and roles and you have quite a variety of different types of events to reflect that. Are you able to talk about some of the type of events that you guys host there?

Boogie: Absolutely! We’re a pansexual organization and we do our best meet the needs of all orientations, genders, people who choose not to identify with a gender, and we try to have events that are geared towards each segment and community because there’re many communities. I mean there’s the transgender community, rope community, leather, community, gay community, there are many different types. So we really try to meet as many needs as we can and have events for those types of people who want to experience that.

How long have you personally been involved with Threshold either as board members or as members before that?

Kathy: I became a member in 2007. I started chairing here after that time. Threshold is really big on it as I said since Threshold is run by volunteers. Boogie and I both ran for the board for the first time this year. So I’ve been on the board for the past year and before that a member since 2007. I believe Boogie was in 2008.

Boogie: Yea for a little while and then hanging around, (laughs) we are here seven days a week.

Have you guys seen the crowd in terms of the type of people change over the eight years or so since you’ve been going there?

Boogie: Absolutely. We make a lot of jokes about Fifty Shades of Gray but everyone who is in this community understands that that movie opened up conversations in people who would not normally have conversations about kink and BDSM, and that has piqued so much curiosity, so many open conversations and a dialogue in the media that people are now literally flooding to find places where they can explore this type of activity- which of course once they get here they find out it’s ten times better than the movie. Except we don’t have a helicopter.

(laughs)One day, you might have to raise the membership dues a little bit

Boogie: And we’ll throw people off of the helicopter and we’ll call it a fetish.

As long as it’s consensual I’m sure its fine. Has Threshold as a club been through any challenges while you’ve been involved in the leadership?

Boogie: We’re very happy to report that in all the years that Threshold has been here, there has never been an external law enforcement or undercover investigation, or religious organization protest. We’re very well known because we’re non-profit, because we’re education based. Law enforcement has better things to do than go and harass people who are playing consensually and educating themselves. So we’ve actually been very very lucky.

And I understand that some of the members within threshold do some outreach to the local community and law enforcement to help educate them about what you do.

Boogie: Yes, we reach out, we haven’t done a lot of law enforcement outreach in a while but in the past we absolutely have reached out and offered panels, discussions, any questions they may have because we want them to understand what we do so when they go into a situation, an emergency situation, and they see kink and BDSM, that they have an understanding of what they are seeing and it may not necessarily be an automatic rape or assault. But that its just people enjoying being their kinky selves and so we do our best to reach out as much as we can.

That’s great. And you mentioned before that Threshold is affiliated with some other clubs around the country. So as part of that, have you come across other areas of the country where they do face greater challenges from their local communities or law enforcement or local government in terms of doing what they want to do?

Kathy: I personally have heard some. No specific instances but depending on the area of the country that they’re in, certainly if you’re in a very conservative area, some of these clubs will have a much harder time getting their permits or licenses, getting whatever it is that they need but again I cant say specifically. I have heard a few mentions about how difficult it is in other parts of the country. Every country, every city, every state has its own political agenda and so I can’t speak for any of them but I consider us very lucky here in Los Angeles. Places in other parts of the country will have other obstacles.

LA does seem to be pretty kink friendly. I’ve heard that Vegas is not particularly friendly towards kinky activities.

Boogie: Surprisingly, yes. They do a lot of house parties in Vegas but yeah, they really don’t have an open community. They have Sin in the City which is a big kink event, they have events on the strip but as far as a 24/7 dungeon, they really, you’d be surprised. They want people to keep gambling. If you give them spankings they’re not gambling.

Is that what it is (laughs)… sub space beats gamblers high. Now the other thing that I know you guys have been doing is the Perverted Podcast.

Boogie: The worlds greatest BDSM humor podcast of insanity and mayhem.

I’ve had the pleasure of listening to a couple of your episodes. So can you tell me a little about how you guys came up with the idea and what lead you to staring it off?

Boogie: I’ve been in entertainment for decades, comedy, I have a history in major market radio, so of course I’ve always have desired to do a show, to do a podcast and it was just a matter of finding some crazy people that understood the same passion for education like we have at Threshold. That’s pretty much where I got Kathy as our host and originally Phi who of course writes for Kink Weekly. And we got together and said “hey lets do this,” lets put together a fun show that we maybe don’t do guests – a lot of podcasts will have a guest for two hours. And they’ll talk about one topic. Well we’re segment based so we talk about a number of things and each thing gets eight minutes and then we sing horrible songs and put things in peoples’ asses and give spankings on the show. So we try to mix education with fun and bad rap and then out comes a great show that people seem to get really dedicated to.

That’s great. So have you built up a bit of a loyal base of listeners?

Boogie: Our fans seems to be incredibly dedicated. They listen to every show, they secretly listen to it at work because we are not suitable for work. What’s been really exciting in all of the emails, we get a lot of emails from people saying that they just feel like they’re hanging out with us and that they’re having these discussions with us and they’re a part of a more of a hanging out situation and that’s really what our goal was. Not to be an official broadcast that we give the information and you listen and are amazed. But really try to incorporate our listeners and their ideas into the show.

Are there any particular shows that have been highlights that stand out from the ones you’ve done so far?

Boogie: Well we recently just attempted to call Bigfoot. We had some devices to call Bigfoot and we dedicated the show to how exciting it will be once Bigfoot shows up. Of course for whatever reason Bigfoot did not show up.

Kathy: He’s not showing up.

Boogie: He could have shown up.

Kathy: Oh lord. Can I talk about my favorite show?

Boogie: Sure, the anal human maraca?

Kathy: No, poetry show. It wasn’t that popular but that poetry show was awesome and I think we’ll be starting to regret ever having suggested it.

Poetry show?

Boogie: Every few months we do a special poetry show which is all dirty poetry, haiku attack, and the kind of a whole street poet type of vibe to the show because I do a lot of poetry. And so we do that every few months and some people get it and some people don’t get it. Because they’re snobs and they just want Justin Bieber they don’t understand street poetry.

Haiku must be one of the two greatest things to come out of Japan, along with shibari.

Kathy: I love haiku. Haiku attack is my favorite. They’re easy to write, along with Boogie’s jingles. All of Boogies jingles are awesome.

Boogie: We have a lot of jingles

It must be a fair bit of work to produce a show every week then?

Kathy: The amount of work …I’ve started to feel very guilty about. It’s mostly on Boogie’s shoulders. He knows the equipment, he knows what to do. I basically show up.

Boogie: We do probably, 30-50 hours of production and promotion trying new ideas. I mean we’re still a new show so we’re still trying things and each one of those tings takes fivw hours. So we spend a lot of time, we’re really really dedicated and we don’t get paid so obviously we have to love it otherwise we’re just stupid.

Kathy: We got $30 from a patron.

Boogie: We’ve raised $30 and now we can buy Kathy underwear.

You’ll have a helicopter in no time. Boogie, I hear you have a bit of an interesting past before arriving in the fetish scene. Are you able to tell us a little bit about that?

Boogie: I did. One of things I love about having perverted podcast is it validates all of the drugs, abuse, pain, suffering, everything crappy that I did to myself or had done to me is validated when I do the show because I take those experiences from my past and talk openly about them on the show and then it helps somebody in the present.

Is it true that you were a minister at one point?

Boogie: Yes I was. I was a Christian preacher doing Christian comedy. And now I am an atheist activist.

That’s quite a turnaround

Boogie: You know what, if you’re going to do things do them in extremes. I touched both sides of the universe.

And what about you Kathy? How did you come to find your way into the kink scene?

Kathy: Basically I had a very boring past, nothing nearly exciting as Boogie and one year in 2007 I decided I would just started exploring this part of me that’s so huge and I’d never really given any thought to. Putting them in my fantasies and locking them tight in there. To me it was a revelation just to come into Threshold. And to see this family. It had a tremendous impact on my life. Suddenly I wasn’t alone. I was with this community of people who were just like me and they welcomed me and I felt, as corny as it sounds, alive for the first time. I try to give some of that back by volunteering at Threshold and making the same experience for others. And I consider the Perverted Podcast to be an extension of that. It might be more fun and even better we get to reach more people. The amount of fans we’ve gotten to write us and remind us which is something we forget that not everyone is living in a community like we have- the kind of freedom and this openness. I know what its like to live hiding a huge part of yourself so to know that I can have a great time on this show with Boogie and I can help people just feel a small amount of what I first felt when I first joined threshold in 2007. I couldn’t ask for anything better than that.

I think what you’re talking about in terms of people who kind of hide that part of themselves for a large part of their life before eventually having the courage to embrace it is something that I’ve heard from quite a few different people in the scene. Do you think that these days with the “Fifty Shades effect” and the internet, do you think there is an increasing acceptance of kink generally within society and that people are generally starting to become a but more willing to open up about it a bit earlier in their lives?

Kathy: That’s a tough one because its not like we can run our own study on it. I would say my opinion that having such a popular book come out like Fifty Shades of Gray it gives people permission to at least start looking at it. While in the past they would sit behind closed doors on their computer and never tell anybody that this is something they were looking into. So I’ll be honest, a lot of people in the community, we really don’t like that book because it is not representative of who we are but as Boogie said earlier, if it did anything, it brought kink into the mainstream. So I don’t think that it created kinky people I think it made it easy for people to venture out into an area they already wanted to venture out into.

Anything you’d like to close with?

Boogie: My final closing is pretty much one of the things we teach in orientation at Threshold. Whatever you’re personal desire is for yourself, whatever your limit is, whatever your curiosity is, that is the perfect limit for you and it doesn’t have to be for anybody else. We don’t want people to come in and tell you who you have to be. You get to decide who you have to be. if all you want to do is have a little spanking every now and again then that is amazing, please come and explore yourself at Threshold with that. You don’t have to be extreme, you don’t have to do anything scary or edgy and you don’t ever have to do things because somebody else is telling you to do it. Follow your own heart and be your own person

Kathy: I would say I would love to see our fans, the people who are listening to our show, contact us more and have more of a connection with us. We’re having a good time but this is really their show. If they don’t want to listen then we have no show then it’s just me and Boogie sitting alone and talking into a microphone. I would love the community to reach out more and tell us more about what they like what they don’t like what they want to learn about and the more we progress with the show. I’m seeing that more often, its making me happier. We’ve got the Perverted Podcast party coming up, we’ve got all kinds of things coming up. We love reaching out to our fans.

CountBoogie and Kathy are both members of the Threshold board of directors, a non-profit dungeon based in Los Angeles. You can also hear them weekly on their Perverted Podcast.

FetLife Etiquette

October 26, 2015 By Jenn Masri 136 Comments

FetLife is meant to be the kink lifestyle version of Facebook. Many people assume it’s more like a dating site. However that was not the original purpose, which is why you can’t search for specific types. Just like anything online, FetLife is prone to trolling and people basically acting in a way they wouldn’t if they were standing in front of you. In this article I want to speak to four issues that I see on FetLife. I am positive that this article will not cover EVERY issue, however, I will cover the top four that stick out to me. Unfortunately the people that probably need to read this article are the ones that won’t, however, I’m hopeful that perhaps a few of them will happen upon these words.

The first issue is a pretty simple one: NOT READING PROFILES. Rather than sending someone a message based on their profile picture or just the fact that you know by looking at the top of their page they are the “role” that you’re looking for (aka sub, Dom, etc) look at those things as your first filter, but then keep reading. There’s a lot of important information you can find in somebody’s profile page – the first one being whether or not they have any protocol to follow or for you to follow in order to contact them. If they have someone that they are connected to – whether that person is someone they are in a D/s relationship with or someone that is protecting them – they may have certain rules about contacting other people. So if you don’t do that, you may not hear back from them. Whether or not you think you should have to contact somebody else first is beside the point.

You can also learn a lot from what they say in their “About Me” section. Perhaps the two of you have common interests, in or out of the kink scene that you can connect with them on, or it can give you some extra insight into the type of person they are. Their list of fetishes might tell you some things they may or may not enjoy, but don’t assume they’ll enjoy all of those things with YOU! You may find some common interest there as well but I don’t recommend starting with that. If you were trying to pick up on someone at, say, a vanilla event you wouldn’t start out by asking them their favorite sex position. Same thing here, you’re getting to know somebody – get to know them as a human being first. Look at the groups they are involved in – that may also give you some insight. Take a look if they have friends writing on their wall or how much activity they have had recently. This can tell you how active they are. Check out some of their writings if they have any. If they have many writings, maybe just check out the most recent ones. Again, this lends more insight into who they are and what they are about and may give you some additional information to reference when you start to message them.

I’m going to extend this etiquette rule to not only individuals but also events. Most event coordinators are perfectly happy to provide information about their event if you’re confused about something or not sure about something – they’re usually more than happy to help. However, please read the entire event page first and if there are links back to a group page that hosts the event, take a look there as well. If you have additional questions once you’ve done that then that’s the time to contact the host. People who create events put time and effort into managing those groups and event pages so that most of the information is there.

This moves me right into the second issue, which is the CUT AND PASTE MESSAGE. Don’t do that! While you might get away with this sometimes, you need to understand that many times (perhaps when you don’t get a reply and can’t fathom why) it’s because the person on the other end can tell that there is nothing personal about your message. This brings me back to why the first issue is so important. Also, if you’re messaging the same cut and paste message to multiple people – and especially when you have found those people through the friends list of the same people – those people do talk! I hear female s-types talking to one another all the time, comparing the messages they receive. So, once again, refer to issue number one -read the profile of the person you want to message and write the message accordingly.

Issue number three: FORCING A DYNAMIC. This applies to online and in person. Just because someone identifies as a babygirl, doesn’t mean you get to start referring to yourself as “Daddy”. Just because someone identifies as a Domme, doesn’t mean you should start calling them Mistress. Just because someone’s fetish list includes “dirty talk” or ” humiliation, doesn’t mean you start your message with, “How are you my dirty slut?” NO! Again, how they identify or what’s on their fetish list has NOTHING to do with you yet. Approach with respect and treat them like any other human being until (or if) the relationship progresses.

The final issue I am going to speak to is a bit more controversial; the issue of GENITALIA AS PROFILE PICS. I will give you my opinion here. If you have your genitalia as your profile pic I will make some initial assumptions. Keep in mind, just like meeting someone for the first time in person – your profile picture is your first impression. I will assume that you are only on Fet for sexual reasons and/or that is all you have to offer. I personally, don’t want to see it. If I look at your picture gallery and find pics of your junk (any gender) – well that’s on me. Still not my favorite, but much better than getting greeted with your erection or close up of your cervix every time you send me a message or pop up on my feed. On an even more personal level – as a female s-type if you are a male D-type that I may be interested in, I will be turned off by ANY pics of your package. To me personally it detracts from your confidence as a Dominant.

Now, having said all that, if you really are on Fet for mostly sexual adventures and want to attract others with the same goal, then let your privates march out in front for all to see! I am not going to not be your friend and I won’t think less of you. However, if that’s the first impression you choose, please understand when I don’t feel as badly when you are complaining about all the “unsolicited”, “aggressive”, or “creepy” messages you get.

I understand I may get some arguments over that last issue. Again, this is all my opinion. And it’s my article. So there. 😉
Feel free to add any additional FetLife etiquette issues that you have come across in the comments section below!

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. We are delighted to have her as a columnist for Kink Weekly, offering particular insight into some of the common challenges that kinky people face in their relationships and journey in the lifestyle.

Top Ten BDSM Tips

October 19, 2015 By Baadmaster 6 Comments

All of us have read, at one time or another, one of those Cosmo “Ten Ways to a Better Relationship” type article. Most times, the tips are rehashed advice you have heard ten thousand times before. But once in a while, there is a tip that gives you a technique you might never have thought of in a million years – one that really helps your relationship. (At least until the next issue of Cosmo!)

It is in this tradition of pop magazine instant-insights that I am offering my “Top Ten BDSM Tips” for those in a BDSM relationship. I am sure most of them will not apply to you – especially if your relationship is brand spanking new! But, if even one of these tips helps, this Kink Weekly exclusive was worth writing.

1. Have a BDSM tune-up every six months. If cars can have a tune-up, why not BDSM relationships? Have your submissive make a list of ten activities he/she has done in order of preference. Then he/she should write a BDSM “wish list” of ten activities he/she hasn’t done but wants to do. These two lists should give you plenty of inspiration (and a bit of a reality check, too!) for play that will turn the both of you on. At least until your next “tune-up.” Any risk of “topping from the bottom” is negated by keeping your relationship fresh and exciting.

2. Repeat your first major BDSM scene. Remember your first special BDSM scene with your partner? By re-doing your most memorable early scene, you will be able to see how far you have progressed. BDSM is one activity that can get better with age and experience. This exercise will prove it to you!

3. Learn the fine art of hinting. As a submissive, learn the subtle art of hinting. “I really liked that cock-and-ball torture demo we saw.” Remember, it’s always better to be slightly Toppy than bored!

4. Re-read your slave contract. Most lifestylers I know simply file away their slave contract in a drawer next to the Best Buy receipts. Both of you should read it regularly. You might be amazed how much you have let slide in your relationship.

5. Buy new toys regularly. Add a new toy to your play and watch your BDSM scening become much more exciting. (This tip really sounds Cosmo-ish!) And the toys needn’t only come from the Dom. Submissives, surprise your Dominant with a new toy. Any “Topping from the bottom” issues disappear when gifts are concerned!

6. Write diaries. Make sure your submissive writes a regular diary. There is no better way for a Dominant to learn about his/her submissive.

7. Read the diaries. Read your slave’s diaries from time to time. Much like the slave contract, a diary gives you insight into your slave and a sense of where your relationship was and where it is going. Relationships don’t run on auto-Dom/Domme. This is a great way to understand your relationship from the submissive’s point of view and make the necessary corrections.

8. Learn a new BDSM technique. As a Dom, learn mummification for example. A new scening skill is the best antidote for boredom!

9. Go to a play party. This tip is for those of you who have never been to a play party. Since you do not have to scene if you don’t want to (voyeurism is an accepted BDSM practice), a play party is the ideal place to get new scening ideas.

10. Make a BDSM checklist. This is for the Dom/Dommes. Make a check list of all the scenes and activities you have done with your submissive since you met. Mark them from one-to-ten. Surprise – I bet you will re-discover “nines and tens” that you forgot about. Revisit them. These are the activities that will really get your juices flowing. (Start with a Cosmo phrase, end with a Cosmo phrase!)

I think that these tips will help you get around any obstacle – be it boredom, lack of new ideas or just plain laziness – that can threaten any relationship.

Negotiating a BDSM scene

October 12, 2015 By Jenn Masri 10 Comments

SAFE, SANE, AND CONSENSUAL – we hear this all the time, but what does it mean? I want to take this opportunity to discuss a portion of this, which is the ‘consensual’ portion. One way to make sure that what you’re doing is consensual is to negotiate.

Negotiating tends to get easier the more you do it. In addition, as you play you will learn more about yourself including more things you need to include when you negotiate a scene. (Negotiating a relationship or D/s dynamic is a whole separate article.) The conundrum is that while you want to cover important things when you negotiate, you also don’t want to negotiate the scene to death. Many scenes are about an exchange of energy and may include elements that the top/D-type doesn’t want to necessarily divulge to the bottom/s-type. This is true especially for players that know each other well, are regular play partners, or in a dynamic/relationship. The negotiation I’m focusing on is the “newbie negotiation”. Assuming you are fairly new to kink or new to your partner, or both. Below is an easy way to remember what should be covered and descriptions for each element.

As I have been teaching the BDSM 101 series I have gone over what should be covered (in general) when negotiating play almost every week. I decided to come up with an easy to remember acronym. They are not necessarily in order of importance, but I had to make it into a “word”!

Negotiation Acronym: S.M.A.S.H.T.

An easy way to remember the basic things that should be covered in a negotiation for play.

S – Safewords
M – Medical
A – Aftercare
S – Soft Limits
H – Hard Limits
T – Triggers

Safewords – sometimes it’s not enough to just agree that the typical “stoplight” system be used (note: if you are using other safewords and playing at a public club, be sure to inform a Dungeon Monitor). “Green” means it’s all good and you are enjoying what’s happening. Most people don’t actually shout “green”! Although that may be kinda funny! Usually giggles or moans are good indicators. “Red” is also pretty straightforward. It means you STOP. Stop whatever is happening and immediately check in with the bottom. I have found that people’s understanding or expectation of “yellow” can vary. It’s important to make sure you are on the same page. If the bottom expects the top to simply “lighten up” when they call yellow but the top assumes they should stop and check in (similar to a red with perhaps less urgency) – this may affect the bottoms head space. The bottom should tell the top during negotiation that, “if I call yellow it just means you’re going too hard but don’t stop and talk to me because it will interrupt my head space.”

Medical – not just obvious things like surgeries, joint issues, injuries, etc, but also things like asthma, blood sugar issues, or allergies. Allergies can be food related but also if they have any allergy to natural fiber, you may need to double think about the type of rope you’re using (if any) or if other toys have been stored with rope that can cause a reaction. Also, if there are animal allergies and you have toys made with any kind of fur, etc.

Aftercare – this varies from person to person and possibly scene to scene with the same person. Some people enjoy close snuggling or putting their head in the tops lap while others may need some time alone or to not be touched. (side note – even if they ask to be left alone they should always be somewhere that you can keep an eye on them) Always have water at the ready for both parties and food may be desired as well. If you know you need to eat right after, I suggest having something that you bring so that you are not relying on the club to have food once you’re done playing. Even just throwing a protein bar in your bag is a good back up.

Soft limits – this refers to limits that the bottom isn’t interested in or has concerns about, but are willing to try them or push. This may also include activities that the bottom knows they don’t like, however, is willing to do them from a place of service or submission.

Hard limits – limits that are a no go. Not happening. Nope.

Triggers – psychological or emotional responses that can affect the scene (usually negatively). These can be body positions, for example the bottom may be fine on a cross but if they are bent over furniture it makes them feel too vulnerable or exposed. It can also remind them of childhood punishments and cause a negative response. Verbal triggers, often in the use of humiliation and/or degradation play. The bottom may not be ok with any “negative” talk – only affirmations or positive feedback. They may also be ok with some types of humiliation but not others. For example sexual humiliation is ok but don’t call them anything negative in reference to their intelligence or weight. Certain implements can trigger someone. Perhaps as a child they were hit with a belt as punishment. For some they may seek out belts for impact due to this experience OR it may become a negative trigger/reminder. Particular parts of the body is something else to consider. You can have a bottom who is a heavy masochist that you can do almost anything to…..except don’t touch their feet! (for example) Maybe you have to stay away from face slapping due to it triggering memories of past abuse, or their stomach due to insecurities, etc.

All of the above should be discussed with concern for both parties. The top may have medical issues or triggers that the bottom should be aware of, both should be on the same page as far as safewords and limits, and the top may have their own requests for aftercare!

Also, make sure you understand the intention of the scene. I know two people that did a full negotiation – listed all the things they both liked – then as they began, realized they BOTH assumed they were the Top! Decide together if this is more of a casual, teaching scene. Perhaps one or both of you are looking for experience but not necessarily power exchange. Do you want it to have a certain energy? Energy of the scene isn’t always something you can control, and in my opinion it’s usually best when you don’t try to, however, if one person is looking for a very sensual energy and the other desires a more strict and disciplined energy that’s good to know up front.

You may need to add to this depending on the type of play or intensity of the scene – but this should cover all your basics.

I hope this helps!

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer here: http://www.akinkshrink.com/.

What do you think is important in negotiating a scene?

What is a master?

October 5, 2015 By Baadmaster 11 Comments

What exactly is a Master? (Or Mistress.) I have been asked this question so many times (almost as many times as slave vs. submissive!) that it demands an answer.

Only in the world of BDSM-D/s is the title “Master” self-anointed. A Master Electrician is one who is certified by a mobster-controlled union. A Master Auto Mechanic is one who is accredited by the ASE. (I said a Master Auto Mechanic, not an honest one!) To become a Karate Master you must win a black belt from a reputable Dojo (karate school). Only in BDSM can someone simply go online and instantly proclaim him or herself a Master! Until Kink Weekly offers a course for “BDSM Master” certification, I can only offer some guidelines as to what I believe a Master is.

A “Master” is a skilled, experienced and knowledgeable Dominant with the capability to own, train and command a slave or submissive. Even if one is a natural Dominant both in abilities and temperament, being a Master requires more than just that. I believe there is a list of things that a Master must know before he can call himself – and be called by others in the lifestyle – a “Master.” I will try to codify them. Since many people meet online – I think giving some guidelines as to what a Master is would be helpful. . Both for those who aspires to be a Master and for the slave or submissive who is looking for a Master.

A Master must have certain personal traits. Honesty, strength of character, the ability to communicate, the ability to inspire trust and respect, good judgment, self-control, patience, self-confidence tempered by dash of humility and a sense of humor are essential elements for a Master to possess. No one person can possess all of these traits. But a Master should have most of them and strive to work on those areas where he/she might be deficient. To be able to own, possess and control another person will require more than just proclaiming “you are mine.” This can work in a one-night stand; it will not work in a Master/slave relationship. Without these character traits, all the technical BDSM skills in the world will not a Master make.

Before I get into specifics, I would like to address two character traits I believe are critical to becoming a Master. One is “sense of humor.” I know it is fashionable for Doms to put on their “Dom face” and look as tough as possible. Even I wear sunglasses at night. And though a Master should not be cracking jokes like Louis C.K. (“This Dom walks into a dungeon…”) while training, scening with or when punishing a slave, a Master should still make the overall Master/slave experience fun. If a Master treats this whole process like an extension of the Inquisition, I believe that he/her will not be able to keep a slave for very long. Nor have much fun attempting it.

The other trait is being able to admit you made a mistake. Many Doms seem to think they cannot make – much less admit – a mistake. Everyone makes them. Everyone. There is no Doctrine of Dominant Infallibility. The ability to admit error, gracefully and without making excuses, is critical to the development of a Dom into a Master. Take this to the bank.

Now onto the technical requirements I feel one would need to get my accreditation as a BDSM Master, if such an accreditation existed.

One must be knowledgeable in BDSM and D/s. If there were a written test, it goes without saying that a Master would know every term in “Where Do I Begin, Part 1.” A Master should have read a lot about BDSM. (Amazon.com – search “bondage books.) The more you read, the more you know. And reading is still the best way to understand the mental dynamics of the Master/slave relationship – which is what a Master must have an understanding of.

Realtime experience is crucial. Even if one knows everything bookwise, he/she is still not a Master. I would think that some years experience in the lifestyle would be necessary. It has been said that the best Dominants have had experience as a submissive. This is open to debate. But what is not open to debate is that realtime BDSM and D/s experience is essential. It is one thing to know things theoretically – let’s say by extensive reading, online chatting, etc. – but there is nothing like “hands on” experience. (And in BDSM, “hands on” can be a lot of fun!)

A Master should have mastered (there is that word again!) many essential real time BDSM skills. At the very least, a Master should know proper and safe flogging-caning-cropping-paddling-spanking techniques, and know how to use most BDSM equipment (like the Saint Andrews Cross) safely and skillfully. A Master should know how to put a submissive into subspace and provide the proper aftercare. Although some Masters eschew public play, a Master should have gone to a bunch of play parties to get a feel for what others in the lifestyle are up to. Observing others at play parties – and joining local BDSM groups in your city and meeting others in the lifestyle – is the best way to learn these techniques.

I think a Master should have at least one specialty that he is truly an expert in. It might be fire play, breast bondage, wax play, caning, wielding a single tail whip, rope bondage, mummification, cupping, electric play or any one of a myriad of BDSM skills. (We will cover the how-to’s of most of these skills in future issues of Kink Weekly.) In this way, the Master not only earns respect from his/her peers, but can also teach these skills to others on their road to becoming a Master. Obviously, no one can be an expert in all areas. But a Master should strive to keep learning.

Finally, a Master should always practice safe sex and safe play. Keep in mind that becoming a Master is not a destination but a step in the BDSM journey. A fun journey.

Since we just covered the essential qualities a Master or Mistress should have, our next article in Kink Weekly will be “Submissive vs. Slave.” Between these two articles, you will start to grasp exactly what Masters and slaves are – and are not.

Do you agree with my definition of what a master is? Does it fit with the people you’ve met who describe themselves as masters or mistresses? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below.

BDSM – Where do I begin? Part Two

September 27, 2015 By Baadmaster Leave a Comment

The first article concentrated mainly on the basics of BDSM – basically the what, where and vocabulary of entering the lifestyle. I might add that reading books on the lifestyle will give you additional perspective as to what BDSM entails. Amazon.com has a bunch of them – just punch in “bondage books” and a whole myriad of great BDSM reading is there for a quick download.

The reason I say read is because you should define yourself and what you want from the lifestyle. Some people are just into restraints, others only into sado/masochism, still others just want a sex slave. And although you might encounter some judgmental people (“he’s not a real Master”), just keep in mind that we here at Kink Weekly make no such judgments – if you are participating in any form, you are in the lifestyle.

Now that you are reading and starting to understand what BDSM entails, I think the key to having a rewarding time in our kinky lifestyle is to “Know thyself.” This bit of advice will serve you very well on just about every level.

Most of us enter this world because of a fascination with bondage, domination, s&m, submission, or some related fantasy. One major difference between this and vanilla is if you were to tell a vanilla partner about a BDSM fantasy, the usual response would be, “You want me to do that, you perv?” Beyond the response, the look of disdain could kill. In BDSM, kink is an integral part of the lifestyle, so there is no reason to lie, either to your partner or yourself. Honesty is a great place to begin because it is a great habit that will extend over into your entire BDSM life.

What I recommend is that you probe and acknowledge your true needs and accept them. (Except if your deepest desires are either illegal or non-consensual, in which case you might wish to seek professional help.) This is the first step, the real place to begin. Although it seems easy to be honest with yourself, it is actually a lot harder than it appears. For example, if you are a male, it might be difficult to come to terms with your submissive needs if you find you have them. In our football-obsessed society, we are taught that being an alpha-male is the way to go. Conversely, a female might find it hard to accept her Domme needs in the context of the vanilla world. For whatever reason, be it guilt, shame or an inability to ever be honest with one’s self, few people are able to plumb deep enough to find out what their true desires are. And many people avoid this lifestyle rather than open themselves up to feelings that they would rather not confront. But once you have decided to join this party, then you should start on the right foundation – internal honesty.

Delving deep into who you are – Dom/me, submissive, gay, straight, bi – and what your play needs are is the right way to start. To paraphrase that old Spice Girls ditty, “Find out what you want, what you really, really, really want!” Once you are honest with yourself, then you can search for a partner who shares, to a great degree, your desires. The beauty of this lifestyle is that you can tell that person straightaway what these needs are. It is not like vanilla where you (no pun intended) beat around the bush. Tell a vanilla girl that you enjoy fisting, chances are you will get slapped — verbally or otherwise. Tell that to a lifestyle girl, she will say that it either is, or is not, her cup of tea. Without rancor, without condemnation. By discussing your needs honestly and openly, without deception or guile, you will be able to find a partner who shares your needs.

This lifestyle is set up to reward both internal and external honesty; it works best in this context. Besides, why lie when you don’t have to? Why lie when truth is an essential tool for success in this lifestyle? Why lie when by being truthful, you increase your chances of finding the perfect partner?

So, “Where do I begin?” Begin with honesty. Be honest with yourself. Then continue this honesty habit with anyone you meet in the lifestyle. It will make everything so much better. And easier. And more fun!

Future articles will explore the nuts and bolts of BDSM and D/s – flogging, caning, wax play, restraints, safe words, handcuffs – all the techniques that will add scope and excitement to your play.

Our next article will be a very important one, and one that you should not miss: “What Is a Master?” If you ever plan on meeting a Master or Mistress online, the information contained in this one article is truly essential.

Stay tuned right here!

It’s ok to be submissive

September 19, 2015 By Jenn Masri 24 Comments

First, what do I mean by “s-type”? For those that don’t know I refer to anyone that identifies as a slave, submissive, bottom, pet, property, or babygirl/boy (etc) as an s-type. It’s just an easier way to refer to this group without listing every specific identifier.

What does it mean to identify as an s-type? Why would someone desire, or even crave, to yield their control or power to another human being? This isn’t an easy question to answer, as there are many answers out there depending on who you ask. Some reasons may include a desire to surrender control, power, or decision making, wanting someone else to provide structure or discipline, feeling a sense of safety and caretaking, and being of service to someone else.

The paths that get an individual to this place – this want for surrender – will also vary from person to person. Not all paths or reasons are healthy. Many are quite healthy. There are complex layers that turn us toward certain partners in life, vanilla or kinky. It may be that one didn’t receive the care and discipline he/she required as a child and therefore finds it in a D/s dynamic. It could be simply that the rest of their life demands authority (high powered job, parenting, etc) and the ability to release that control with a trusted partner is like going to a spa after a long hard day. These are only two possible examples of why someone may be drawn toward submission. Not everyone understands this draw however.

“It’s 2015 – you don’t need to bow down to a man!”

“Seriously man – are you that pussy whipped?”

“Slave? How can you let him/her call you that? You’re a grown adult!”

“You mean to tell me you do whatever he/she tells you to do?! Hell no!”

“It sounds like you are just being used and taken advantage of.”

As an s-type we hear so many things from friends and loved ones who just don’t understand or who view our situation from a skewed perspective. Female s-types get lip from the “feminists” about how many years were spent fighting for equality, only for us to throw it all away by stripping our power willingly. However, we need to keep in mind that true feminists would argue that we should have equal freedoms to CHOOSE our behaviors and our lifestyle. Therefore, choosing to consensually yield power, control, etc is, in fact, a huge leap from the days that it was NOT our choice. Everything in our life comes down to the decisions we make. Even in circumstances where we hold no power or control, we still choose how to respond. The movie ‘Life is Beautiful’ comes to mind. (If you haven’t seen it you should!) The point is, we all have the right to decide how we live our life. If we choose to turn over power to someone we trust and respect then that choice should be honored. Male s-types usually catch flack for different reasons. They hear messages like submission isn’t manly. They get called pussies or wimps. Which is kind of hilarious when you think about the fact that many of them could take a much heavier beat down than their “domly” friends. (Although they enjoy it, so maybe not a fair comparison. lol) Again, how is it less manly to CHOOSE how they live their life? To consent to behaviors, dynamics and protocols that make them happy and enrich their life and their relationships?

To every male or female s-type that finds comfort and satisfaction in their submission, how is it any different than the person who finds this in a bottle of beer, a favorite sport, or the traditional vanilla relationship dynamic? Human beings seek safety, comfort, love, affection, and happiness. It isn’t for anyone to judge how you do that so long as nobody is getting hurt (in a bad way!). So take pride in your s-type identity! Slave, submissive, pet, boy/girl, property, bottom, little. Embrace who you are because it’s OK to be an s-type!

BDSM – Where do I begin? Part 1

September 14, 2015 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

The most frequent question I am asked is “where do I begin?” Rather than just copy the “Fifty Shades of Grey” template – after all, few of you have a helicopter – let’s give you real BDSM. Minus the helicopter!

So, where exactly do you start? You start online. Everyone is a beginner once, and almost all people get into D/s and BDSM via the Internet. Even the invitations to the BDSM clubs and parties are given out over the Internet. And where on the Internet should you begin? Well that answer, too, is a simple one – right here! You are in the right place at the right time!

Some of you are members of fetlife.com. Others among you have been to other BDSM-D/s sites. Some of you want to immerse yourself in BDSM and D/s and get serious about it as a total lifestyle – while others among you may want merely to be a part time player. Many of you may have seen bondage pictures and videos here and elsewhere and say, “How do I get my girlfriend or boyfriend to do that?” It is a process; we will outline it here within the next issues of Kink Weekly.

Every city (or almost every one) has a BDSM club. These are great places to observe other lifestylers in action. Most are very welcoming and have orientation tours. We will list those clubs here in future issues, but for now you can find these clubs on the Internet – often they have twitter handles. But before you set foot in any club, I would recommend you know the terms. Language is everything.

So, let’s define the terms of this lifestyle.

Aftercare – After a BDSM scene, particularly a demanding one, the Top should make sure the bottom is OK and is returned to normal from his/her high endorphin level (often called “subspace”) that BDSM scenes often cause.

BDSM – A popular acronym for activities inclusive of (but not limited to) Bondage, Domination/Discipline Submission/Sadism & Masochism. Also called WIITWD, an acronym for “What It Is That We Do.” Both mean this type of alternative lifestyle. Sometimes the word “Bondage” has the same broad range meaning when used in a descriptive context.

B&D – Bondage and Discipline. Although they go together in this phrase, they are not inextricably linked. Bondage means restraining someone in a helpless position
(such as being tied up.) Discipline is training a person to behave in a certain way. They tend to go together because Dominants tend to do both to their submissives.

Bondage – making a submissive physically helpless and to a great extent immobilized. Techniques include rope ties, handcuffs, leather cuffs, stocks and mummification.

Bondage Clubs – Private clubs where lifestylers meet and play. Usually filled with equipment such as the St. Andrews Cross and spanking benches, these are great places to not only play, but learn by observing others do their scenes.

Bottom – A submissive. Also can be called a slave. As there are many who say there are differences between these terms, I will cover that debate in future columns.

Cane – A wooden, plastic or graphite stalk used in BDSM play. It can hurt, so use carefully.

Consensuality Agreement – The somewhat infrequent agreement that a Top requires a bottom to sign before play. This is usually executed in private play where the bottom is a newbie and an experienced Top does not wish to risk the bottom claiming, at some later date, that the scene was non-consensual. Although not legally binding, it does prevent misunderstandings and provides limited legal protection. We will offer some “Consensuality Agreements” in future articles here in Kink Weekly.

D/s – Dominance and submission. A more specific term than BDSM (although D/s is contained within BDSM).

Discipline – Punishing, spanking, verbal orders, etc. for the purpose of training a submissive.

Dominant – (Female: Domme.) Also called a Dom, a Top, a Master or a Mistress. One who controls a bottom, slave or submissive. Again, the differences between these terms – if there are any – will be covered in future Kink Weekly editions.

Dominatrix – A Domme; although it implies being a professional.

Domme – A female Dominant. Also called a Dominatrix.

Edgeplay – Technically, this refers to knife play. But it has come to mean anything “on the edge.” It can even include fisting, asphyxia, play piercings, needle play, caning, etc. Since one person’s edge can be another’s norm, there are no hard and fast rules defining what “edgeplay” is.

Flogger – One of the most popular BDSM toys. It is made up of a handle and several leather straps which are attached to it. It can be used to whip or to caress.

Furniture – Slang for large pieces of equipment, usually at BDSM clubs. This includes, but not limited to, the legendary St. Andrews Cross, spanking benches, cages and a myriad of bondage equipment.

High Protocol – A D/s relationship wherein the rules are both demanding and encompassing. If it is practiced most of the time outside of play or clubs, it is often referred to as “24/7” – although with jobs, family and other real life considerations, it is doubtful anything can literally be 24/7!

Lifestylers – Slang for those in the BDSM lifestyle – whether weekend warriors or 24/7 players.

Limit – The point beyond which a submissive does not allow the Dominant to go; usually stated before play. It can be a “soft limit,” which can change over time. Or a “hard limit,” which is more or less written in stone. For example, a submissive might say, “Nipple clamps are my soft limit.” Or, “Knife play is my hard limit.”

Negotiation – Discussing hard and soft limits and related items of BDSM taste before any play or relationship begins. Often refers to discussions regarding a potential “slave contract.”

Newbie – someone new to the BDSM lifestyle.

Masochist – One who derives pleasure from pain.

Master/Mistress – A skilled Top. This is best explained in “What Is A Master?” which will appear in an upcoming edition of Kink Weekly.

Mummification – Using saran wrap to immobilize the bottom. Often performed in public play as it can be visually stunning.

S&M – Sadism and masochism. This is an alternative term that used to describe the BDSM scene. Gradually it is being replaced with the broader ranging acronym BDSM.

Sadist – An individual who enjoys causing pain. The term dates back to the Marquis de Sade.

Sadomasochism – The taking of pleasure, often sexual gratification, from the consensual interactions between a “sadist” and a “masochist.”

Safe, Sane and Consensual – A popular slogan in the BDSM world meaning that play should always be safe and sane, with good judgment exercised. And, most importantly, it MUST be consensual.

Safe word – A word or phrase a submissive can use to stop his or her scene. It is absolute. If a Dominant disregards a submissive’s safe word, that Dominant is considered “unsafe.” The most common safe word – even in Fifty Shades — is “RED!”
Sometimes the word “YELLOW” is agreed to which means “slow done a bit.”

Scene – A BDSM session. Sometimes refers to a “public scene” at a party where the participants let others watch.

Slave – A term used interchangeably with “submissive.” Some consider a slave a more extreme version of a submissive. This will be discussed in a future article, “Slave vs. submissive.” Check back soon.

Slave contract – A signed consensual contract, wherein a submissive or slave cedes to the Dom or Master a specified set of powers over her for a set period of time. Although legally unenforceable, it is still a powerful document in the BDSM community.

Submissive – An individual who consents to give up power to a Dominant. This can be for any duration – for an hour or a lifetime. Also called a sub, bottom or slave. Again, differences between these terms will be covered right here in future articles.

Subspace – A high endorphin state that a bottom often enters into when a skilled Dominant executes a good BDSM scene.

Torture – Not literal torture, but any type of pain inflicted by the Top on a bottom. Examples: tickle torture, clothespin play, nipple clamps, et. al.

Toys – Slang for portable BDSM equipment – usually contained in a “toy bag.”

Vanilla – People not in the BDSM lifestyle.

Violet Wand – Pricey electrical kink stimulation BDSM toys using the application of low current, high voltage electricity to the body. Like mummification, it is visually exciting and often used in public play.

Now that we have most of the definitions down (and contact me if there are any I have overlooked), let’s go on to the next steps – which are contained in “Where Do I Begin, Part 2” – right here on Kink Weekly next week!

by BAADMASTER
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit Internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are please to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

BDSM guide: Where do I Begin – Kink Weekly

Journey

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