You don’t need a D-type to wear a collar!
Click below to learn more about self-collaring from the amazing Evie Lupine!
BDSM 101: Self-Collaring
BDSM 101: Self-Collaring
Kink Community
This week in kink: March 22, 2021
We have all had to adjust during the pandemic including those in the lifestyle.
With this being said, click below to learn more about the virtual spaces that have opened up during these uncertain times from Lavender.
Check out Les Chandelles, an exclusive swingers and BDSM club with Daily Star.
Click below to find out more!
Check out these kinky, British hotels from The Sun!
Click below to learn more!
Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”
If You Aren’t Enjoying It, Why Do It?
Not everyone is cut out to be balls deep in this lifestyle and there is nothing wrong with that. I have seen more posts than I can count in educational groups about people who are absolutely miserable trying to be a slave/submissive or master/dominant. Why? The definition of stupidity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Somewhere in the same post is often a statement, “I think I am just going to give it all up.” Again…WHY? Because it has to be all or nothing? Hogwash!
You do not have to be a fulltime “lifestyler” in a dynamic to enjoy what BDSM and kink have to offer. There is no rule saying you must be all in or get out.
Like a menu at a Chinese restaurant, you can find enjoyment in the pieces and parts that are on offer. So what if a Total Power Exchange is not for you. Maybe you just like taking or giving over control once a month. Who cares if you are not a massive pain slut and would rather a good tickle. Good for you. The world would be a boring place if everybody was meeting a, “kink standard.”
Make your own mosaic of what fits you and roll with it. If you are unhappy as a submissive and hate having rules, you might be a kinkster who just likes to bottom occasionally as a play partner. Great! If you are a Dom/me who is struggling and frustrated constantly, same deal. Maybe being the occasional top is for you. There have certainly been points in my kink life where I backed off the lifestyle and just spent some time playing.
If you do change from one role to another, you can always change back, or into something completely different. Being a certain something or that if you are that something, a certain way, in not required. No matter what the peanut gallery has to say.
If you are one of the many out there who have found yourself in limbo, frustrated, and confused. Have hope. There is a place and kink for damn near anybody in our carnival of paraphilias. So do not jump out of the clown car just yet.
Take Time to Define Your Needs
Take some time to really evaluate yourself and your needs. Without comparing yourself to anyone else. What kinks pique your interest? What makes you feel good/bad? What are the things you are unsure about? Why are you unsure about them? What are the things you absolutely have to have? How often? Etc.
As I said, without comparing yourself to anyone else. You are the one unique you. There is no expectation that you become Super-Master Single-Tail Esquire, or the ultimate slave. Do not worry about living up to an image you have in your mind or what you think everyone else in kinktopia will consider, “legitimate.” Just be you.
And if you have not got that figured out yet…… so what? You will get there. Be patient.
It can be OK to just play.
Not everyone has to have a deep personal connection when they are practicing their kink. Sometimes play for play’s sake, is a good thing. As long as it’s safe and with someone you can trust. It is how we figure out what we like; by trying things out.
I have several play partners (bottoms) who are friends, but not romantic interests at all. The scenes are rarely emotional. What they want one in a while is to get broken down, beat, and sometimes humiliated. Seems to recharge their batteries and they are good for a couple of weeks. After the scene, we go back to being just friends. I do not view them as less than a dedicated submissive, or somehow inferior in the lifestyle. That is just them, and I accept them for who and what they are.
When you are ready, explore!
Like those bottoms I described, you have a niche, even if you have not found it yet. Explore different things, with different people if you can. How one person tops in fire play can be completely different from someone else. Conversely, if you are a top who enjoys impact, not all masochist bottoms are going to get your motor running. Sometimes physical and/or intellectual chemistry matters.
There are plenty of kink inventory charts out there for reference. Pick one and start making a bucket list. We do it with everything else in life why not this? Make friends in the community and start learning who is good at what and who likes what. Share your goals with people. A lot of people in our little world want to be helpful and for others to have good experiences. You might be surprised how easy it is to check some of those kinks off your list.
Do not be afraid of change.
Everything changes, as much as we do not want it to at times. Learn to embrace it. Who you are today regarding kink, is not who you are going to be two years from now, let alone ten. Your experiences will mount, preferences evolve, and your skill/knowledge will be greater. All of this is a good thing. Try not to hold on too tightly to the way things are now. If you do, you may get stuck in a rut and find yourself being disappointed in the future. Our partners are growing and changing also, so we need to be looking forward and evolving with them (for long term relationships).
To borrow a cliché, it’s not the destination, it is the journey. Enjoy where you are now. In the future, look back on it fondly, but do not let what might have been weigh you down. There is always a new adventure right around the next corner. If you spend too much time looking back, you might miss it.
Sometimes things just end.
In the wide world of kink, there has been a massive influx of those who want to jump in the deep end feet first but have not figured out how to swim yet. Most dynamics are doomed before the ever get started. Poor communication skills, unrealistic expectations, or just plain not being committed take them down on a regular basis.
If this has happened to you, do not be too hard on yourself. Do he honest. Look at yourself and own your part in why something went sideways. Then commit to being better and make a plan to do so. Breakups are almost never one sided. Even if your partner was silent on the issue, you have an idea of the things you need to work on.
While you are a free radical, practice your communication and being honest to a fault. Think about your expectations and if they are realistic. Where they may have been with one partner, they may or may not be with your next.
Not every dynamic has to be a forever one. I have entered into dynamics where we both knew it had an expiration date for differing reasons. They are looking for their forever man/woman/partner; or they have a primary (poly) and are wanting to learn/gain experience for a time – are a couple of examples. As long as you both know what those reasons are and are comfortable with the arrangement, go for it. Something to keep in mind the next time you are vetting if you dive back in the pool.
Above all, enjoy yourself.
If you are not having fun anymore, there is a reason. Take a beat and figure out what that is. There is a ton of crap in our regular lives to drag us down, kink should not be among them. What it is that we do should build us up! Inspire self-confidence; be a means to learn about ourselves; and be a reasonably safe haven from the mundane world. Yes, there are going to be rough patches. Those are opportunities to grow and change. Take them for what they are, learn, and move forward.
BDSM and Kink can be as fun as you want it to be. Sure, it takes some effort and self-reflection at times to keep it on track. In the end, that effort is worth it. Better than being stuck in a negative loop wishing things were better.
Be the genuine you. Be in control of your own destiny, and Be adventurous. When you are 80 and looking back, it will put a smile on your face.
TAC is a lifestyle writer, dominant, and mentor who contributes to several online educational groups such as the BDSM Alternative Lifestyle Discussion and Education; Information Exchange for Dom/mes, Masters, and Mistresses; and the Virtual Munch. His writing includes information on self-improvement, growth, dominance, trauma, power dynamics and power exchange, and safety. His goal is to continue giving back to a community of friends who have supported him for nearly three decades. He can be found on Fetlife at TAC_1
How is Old School BDSM Different from New Wave Practices?
As far as sexual desires and fantasies go, BDSM is considered one of the more popular choices (thanks, 50 shades!) From bondage to discipline and erotic practices, it takes many forms. While BDSM dating proves to be extremely fulfilling, it’s evolved with the changes in dating and lifestyles in general. However, the changes come in the form of new wave practices, but what is the difference between old school BDSM and new wave practices?
Does Old School BDSM Still Remain in the Community?
Bondage dating might have changed as the ideas and minds of people have changed with society. Despite this, there are many people who are still following the old traditions of bondage dating of one partner unquestionably dominating the other. There’s no denying that the new, more humane forms of this fetish provide new opportunities for people to explore their needs in a way that gives them a level of control that differs from traditional relationships or fetishes.
Some modern, younger people might consider old-school BDSM quite brutal in some respects. The boundaries are pushed to their limits, but both participants understand what they’re getting themselves involved in. The strict rules are followed and obeyed, too, giving no room for movement in the submissive partner. Once the rules were implemented, they were understood and taken at face value, proving that old-school BDSM really did go that much further. Some might consider BDSM a fetish that goes too far, especially when considering the older rules and boundaries.
Furthermore, there was no give and take when it came to the submissive’s rights to change something. Once the rules are agreed upon, the dominant partner ensures that they are followed, which means that the submissive partner has to do as they are told. What this means is that the experience takes the old-fashioned route, and no changes are made. However, times have changed, and with most things in life, a new wave of BDSM has emerged.
What Embodies the New Wave and the Reasons for its Emergence?
We now live in a more accepting and understanding world whereby people have more rights and views when exploring new things. This is particularly true when it comes to BDSM. Culture plays a significant role in shaping kinks because more people are connecting like never before. This means that a greater level of acceptance and understanding is required to ensure that specific boundaries are not crossed. This has caused a new wave of BDSM to emerge.
However, while men once had dominance over women, we live in an equal society where this way of thinking is no longer apparent. Therefore, taking care of partners from a psychological aspect is crucial because mental health is now an important part of our lifestyle. Let’s imagine the situation: someone could be intrigued by a particular kink and want to try it out, but the whole experience leaves them struggling with mental issues. This has meant that aftercare forms an important aspect of new wave practices after sex. As this fetish can really become rough and brutal, taking care of partners really is important. It’s not about a lack of care because, during the experience, it’s about fulfilling needs, but once it has ended, people are required to check on partners to ensure they’re safe, well, and feel at ease with the overall experience.
Despite this, the arrangement becomes more formal when you meet guys and gals who practice new, modern BDSM. The understanding of boundaries, pain thresholds, and what’s morally right or wrong is a prominent feature of BDSM in a modern world. This means that people are now openly discussing the arrangements prior to partaking in kinks involving domination and pain. This involves discussing what’s expected, what’s going to happen, and what to expect. This discussion before embarking on a journey of BDSM is vital to ensure that both partners enjoy the experience. The conversation doesn’t end there because it also takes place during the arrangement. This gives both people the opportunity to inform each other of their concerns or wishes, which can work to enhance the experience or slow things down. Of course, stop words and safe words are also a part of this arrangement because of cultural differences, boundaries, and what people are fully comfortable with. Safewords are designed to give people control over how far things should go. If the situation evolves to a point where it becomes something more, then the stop words can be used to bring the experience to an end. All of these things are new wave practices that have now become a part of BDSM in a modern world.
BDSM has changed, but that’s expected given the society that we live in. New wave practices are considered safer and provide more control of both partners’ situation, which is no bad thing as that can mean that things become a lot more enjoyable.
Linda Raley is a Psychology Faculty student, a freelance writer on sex and relationships, and a relationship beginner psychologist-consultant.
This week in kink: February 1, 2021
Recent studies find that BDSM practitioners favor Biden over Trump.
Click below to better understand this ideology from KinkD!
The Netflix show, Bonding, has recently received a lot of flack from the Kink Community.
Because of this, the writers changed the ending of Season 2.
Click below to find out more from Variety!
Don’t miss learning more about Armie Hammer’s and Paige Lorenze’s polyamorous, kinky relationship.
Alternative relationships styles are becoming more popular/in the mainstream.
This a big step for kinksters everywhere!
Click below to read more from yahoo! entertainment!
Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”
Kat Blaque Watches 50 Shades of Grey
The film, 50 Shades Of Grey, has been widely debated and commented on within the Kink Community.
This week, BDSMer Kat Blaque gives her opinion of this movie and how it represents those in the lifestyle.
Click below to find out more!
Actual BDSMer Watches Fifty Shades of Grey | Kat Blaque
The Importance Of Aftercare
When negotiating a scene, an aspect which can often be forgotten (especially with new people) is aftercare. It can be entirely too easy to overlook, as it can often seem as such a natural cap, good or bad. Why would you possibly need to discuss it ahead of time; it’ll just happen, right?
But no, it might not. Also there’s more than one way to aftercare, and not everybody’s going to agree on what’s right or wrong. And there’re some for whom aftercare isn’t even necessary.
Aftercare, for the record, is the physical/emotional cartaking that occurs after a scene, usually for the sub, but also for the Dom. It can vary in intimacy and intensity depending on the relationship between the two, the intensity of the scene, or simply the overall environment.
But why is aftercare necessary? Because a BDSM scene tends to be an intense, superchaged, and traumatic experience, especially for the sub. Sure, it’s usually cathartic as well, but it can still put someone through the wringer; sort of how running a few miles can make you feel great, but you’ll still need that period of cooldown (and maybe a shower) before you can feel relatively back to normal.
Again, different people, different scenes, can require different sorts of aftercare. But a good rule of thumb involves a few simple checkpoints:
– Check everyone over for physical injuries that need to be tended to immediately. There may be cuts that need bandaging, bruises that require icing, or burns that require salves. While I’ve never personally had a scene this physically intense, YMMV.
– Support them (as they may be shaky), walking them to an area where you can both sit together, snuggling as needed. They’ll probably need a blanket to wrap themselves up with. Be certain to have water handy.
– Sit quietly until they come back to the land of the living. Even if they’ve been happily ensconced in subspace they’ll need varying degrees of time to return to reality.
– Once they’re lucid, engage them in some light conversation. Perhaps discuss the scene about what you both liked and disliked. But don’t expect any heavy conversation at this point.
– Finally, get both of yourselves dressed and clean up your playspace (if you haven’t had someone to do this for you already). Now’s a good time to hit the buffet or the fridge, as some people are absolutely ravenous after a good scene. And always be sure that you both hydrate!
– Later you may want to chat further and in-depth regarding your scene together. I’ve found these sorts of conversations to be extremely helpful.
– The next day, call or send a text to see how they’re doing. Even if you’re not trying to set up a long-term relationship, this is the sort of followup you really should engage in, so tell them ahead of time and see that they’re alright with it. Many subs aren’t aware of the sort of subdrop they’ll face the day after a scene. Different sorts of foods can help alleviate this (chocolate is often a good one).
Of course, there are many variants on all this. The time required can be anywhere from five to 30 minutes (or more). Some people require little to no aftercare (although the latter is very rare in my experience). Sometimes there’s a third party involved who’ll take on some or all of the aftercare duties (such as a Dom or Master of their own). And depending on the intimacy of the couple, some parts may be omitted, or become much more intense.
Regardless of how you do it, aftercare is an extremely important part of any scene, and should always be a critical part of your negotiations.
PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community since 2007, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication.
This week in kink: December 14, 2020
So many folks have had their worlds turned upside down due to the pandemic. This has left many feeling like nothing is in their control and hopeless.
Because of this, Tracey Anne Duncan writes about how BDSM can help us gain back a sense of control during these trying times.
Click below to read more!
Kink and BDSM, for many, are so much more than something sexy to do!
There have been a lot of mental and emotional benefits experienced by those that are in the lifestyle.
BDSM can help reduce anxiety, chronic pain, improve mood, and so much more!
Click below to read more about this from Refinery29!
More often than not, submission and feminism are not thought to go hand in hand.
We here at KinkWeekly feel it’s important to talk about these topics and explore all sides of how they might go together and might oppose each other.
Everything is about the grey after all!
Click below to explore these intriguing topics further with Feminism in India!
Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”
Video: Why Do I Like BDSM?
New to scene?
Curious why you’re drawn to the BDSM lifestyle?
Want to hear other kinksters talk about their experiences?
Then, don’t miss this week’s video by Desires Laid Bare!
Why Do I Like BDSM
My Kink Journey
I first got exposed to what I refer to as “my darkness” when I was 16. I was a gymnast on tour in West Berlin, a real liberal city in those days. Sex shops on every corner it seemed. I purchased a hard-core porn magazine with straight up kink that included bondage. It also had long essays in the back. I read and re-read one particular story that aroused me in ways I did not fully understand. It was a story about a mother-daughter team of geisha girls who serviced their client together. The story described him torturing the daughter’s breasts by pinching her nipples so hard she screamed while the mother tongue fucked his ass and stroked his cock. The climax was him fucking the mother’s ass while she ate her daughter’s pussy, and when he got close, she called out to him to “Hurry up and cum and then piss in my ass before you lose your hard on.” I stroked my cock to that story thousands of times! I never understood at the time that my fantasies around that story were really my first look into my own darkness.
At 17, I had a much more direct experience that caused me to experience direct arousal. I played footsie with a girl, K, who sat in front of me in class. She would often masturbate in class while sitting on my foot. One day she created a disturbance and was brought to the front of the class for punishment. She got caned. She took her strokes without a word, and then, returning to her desk, she sat on my foot and had a massive vocal orgasm that the class misunderstood as a cry of anguish. This awakened something in me, although I’m clear that the glimpse into the darkness, was only a crack in my vanilla shell.
At age 26 I married the preacher’s kid, and she was pure vanilla in bed. I found myself in my late 20’s spending time reading the “Back-Page” personals of the local free papers where women and men were very direct in their seeking posts. This was evident by them inviting hard core kink into their lives. I was so intrigued and also quite envious. I talked to several of these women and found the conversations seamless. I was naturally dominant and they soaked up my fantasies. Eventually my growing desire for kink had me connect with a sub who got turned on by my fantasy about handcuffing her to the park bench at the local university and using her repeatedly there. She invited me to meet her and to take her home to give her a hard spanking with a wooden paddle. It was my first experience as a Dom. I saw her a couple of times.
Meanwhile, in my vanilla life, when we were packing to move our house, my wife found the toys I had purchased in a bag that I had placed at the back of a file drawer in the garage. She confronted me right there in the garage, and so I shared with her what I had done and why. She kink-shamed me and insisted that I “Get rid of the toys.” I contacted the sub that I had played with and gave her a departing hug as I handed her the toys I had only ever used in a scene with her. She was tearful at the moment, and although I never saw her again, we kept in touch and I learned that she had connected with a Dom with whom she was happy. Even though my wife kink-shamed me, she would ask me to tell her about the play scenes I had engaged in with other women during our own foreplay. That is not to say that she approved of me playing with other women. She also made it clear that she wasn’t interested in exploring her sexuality in kink beyond fantasy. Kink was for other people.
Over time, my darkness pulled me to seek out a variety of kinky experiences on a slightly more frequent basis which had the natural impact of my wife and I drifting further and further apart as we became estranged. Our divorce was the natural result of the space growing between us day-by-day.
After the marriage was over, I had made the choice to explore the darkness. I was fortunate to experience a truly kinky existence where I got to do whatever I wanted, with whom I wanted, as much as I wanted, and as often as I wanted. I got really related to the darkness within, but I found the lack of intimacy the key driving force in my ongoing search.
That search led eventually to creating a 24/7 TPE dynamic in relationship with Lady Petra, with whom I have a sex forward, deeply kinky and truly loving relationship.
That’s the preamble to my thoughts about the role of kink in forming truly loving relationships.
Here is the premise. As human beings, sex is one of the most powerful driving motivators of behavior. It’s also true that sex is one of the primary sources of space between a couple. To put it another way, conflict about sex causes couples to build distrust which gradually becomes contempt for one another. Consider that it’s very common to have fantasies about other partners while engaging in sex with your partner. It was true for me and it was certainly true for my wife as well. When we had sex, I would always fantasize about my ideal kink scenarios which more often than not were scenes like the one I read about all those years, or my high school experience watching K get caned, and (this is the important part) I would never tell my wife about my fantasies. So as time passed, there was more and more space between us. The less we talked about our deeply held sexual desires, the more inclined I was to seek satisfaction outside of our marriage. On a gradient, more and more space developed between us. From 10,000 feet up, it was obvious, although in retrospect, the space was not even slightly visible to me at the moment.
I know now that as humans we live inside of stories. Stories about sexuality are deeply held self-beliefs. We create self-talk like: “I am not …. enough” or “I can’t have …” etc. At any given moment, and because we live inside of a story hidden from our view, we don’t realize that the story is driving the context of our life. Even as the impacts mount, the reality is hidden from our view. Gaining access to this information, that those self-beliefs give us context, was key for me to be able to create something new like the dynamic that I have created with Lady Petra.
What I have with her, is what we call a created relationship that is sourced in kink. Which means that in the context of our sexuality we have regular and authentic conversations about what we like, what we desire, and what we don’t like or want to experience. There is nothing wrong and she can ask or request anything as can I. She creates me as her Dom, and I create her as my sub. This means that there is quite literally no space between us that arises from unspoken sexual desire. We also have a commitment to not allow any space to occur. Unspoken withholds are out of integrity. The result is that we are able to ongoingly create unimpeded connection. The fact that we allow no space between us and that our relatedness and connection continues to expand and grow inside of an integrous relationship means that we get infinitely closer and closer together and it feels like we are one.
We describe palpable “magnetism” between us. She experiences my energy as much as any other part of my being. The energy between us pulls us closer together. We experience it as “animal magnetism.” The sex is ridiculously hot. Its naughty, its kinky, its passionate, its daily.
So to summarize:
Having an authentic relationship sourced in kink with both partners in full unconstrained communication provides an opening for a deeper connection which is self-fulfilling as the couple gets closer and closer
till the magnetism itself takes over and the couple is drawn together with an unbreakable electro chemical bond.
In that as kinksters we explore our darkest fantasies in reality, a significant cause of human inauthenticity is resolved, making the fullness of relationship available.
The closeness that kink creates, especially in the context of an aligned D/s couple, allows ever deeper sharing to occur. So closeness creates closeness. It’s the source of our ability to connect energetically.
Consider that the difference between almost boiling water and actually boiling water creates a change in state of the water such that instead of just being able to make tea, you can actually move a train. That same idea is true in relationship. If you are all in with the integrity that kink creates and allows for, the dynamic can also experience a change in state. One that solidifies a relationship with superglue.
Kink, practiced correctly, that is to say with integrity and authenticity in the dynamic, causes relationship.
I wrote this prose recently:
I have had the experiences of a lifetime
I have endured the long painful existence of a mostly sexless vanilla marriage
I have explored being a “fuck-any-slut” Dom
I have explored polyamory to a degree
I have been a Bull to hotwives
I have discovered my true self expression as a Dom and as a Sadist
I have collared a submissive masochist
I am living in a 24/7 TPE
What is so is that I am more fulfilled sexually, emotionally and in relationship that I have ever been in all my life
Kink was my access to happiness
In truth, gratitude is the access to happiness
Through kink, I found a partner with whom I am truly aligned
With her I am experiencing love and happiness for the first time in my life
I am experiencing a state of bliss
Kink was my access to happiness
I am grateful for my kinky existence
Saffermaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching, and produce the podcast Kinky Cocktail Hour which is available in most directories. You can find them on their Patreon Lady Petra Playground or reach then via email SafferMaster@gmail.com or LadyPetraPlayground@gmail.com. SafferMaster and Lady Petra are teaching a webinar on DatingKinky.com titled “What’s in Your Kinky Toolbox” which can be found on the Dating Kinky webinar page.