I first got exposed to what I refer to as “my darkness” when I was 16. I was a gymnast on tour in West Berlin, a real liberal city in those days. Sex shops on every corner it seemed. I purchased a hard-core porn magazine with straight up kink that included bondage. It also had long essays in the back. I read and re-read one particular story that aroused me in ways I did not fully understand. It was a story about a mother-daughter team of geisha girls who serviced their client together. The story described him torturing the daughter’s breasts by pinching her nipples so hard she screamed while the mother tongue fucked his ass and stroked his cock. The climax was him fucking the mother’s ass while she ate her daughter’s pussy, and when he got close, she called out to him to “Hurry up and cum and then piss in my ass before you lose your hard on.” I stroked my cock to that story thousands of times! I never understood at the time that my fantasies around that story were really my first look into my own darkness.
At 17, I had a much more direct experience that caused me to experience direct arousal. I played footsie with a girl, K, who sat in front of me in class. She would often masturbate in class while sitting on my foot. One day she created a disturbance and was brought to the front of the class for punishment. She got caned. She took her strokes without a word, and then, returning to her desk, she sat on my foot and had a massive vocal orgasm that the class misunderstood as a cry of anguish. This awakened something in me, although I’m clear that the glimpse into the darkness, was only a crack in my vanilla shell.
At age 26 I married the preacher’s kid, and she was pure vanilla in bed. I found myself in my late 20’s spending time reading the “Back-Page” personals of the local free papers where women and men were very direct in their seeking posts. This was evident by them inviting hard core kink into their lives. I was so intrigued and also quite envious. I talked to several of these women and found the conversations seamless. I was naturally dominant and they soaked up my fantasies. Eventually my growing desire for kink had me connect with a sub who got turned on by my fantasy about handcuffing her to the park bench at the local university and using her repeatedly there. She invited me to meet her and to take her home to give her a hard spanking with a wooden paddle. It was my first experience as a Dom. I saw her a couple of times.
Meanwhile, in my vanilla life, when we were packing to move our house, my wife found the toys I had purchased in a bag that I had placed at the back of a file drawer in the garage. She confronted me right there in the garage, and so I shared with her what I had done and why. She kink-shamed me and insisted that I “Get rid of the toys.” I contacted the sub that I had played with and gave her a departing hug as I handed her the toys I had only ever used in a scene with her. She was tearful at the moment, and although I never saw her again, we kept in touch and I learned that she had connected with a Dom with whom she was happy. Even though my wife kink-shamed me, she would ask me to tell her about the play scenes I had engaged in with other women during our own foreplay. That is not to say that she approved of me playing with other women. She also made it clear that she wasn’t interested in exploring her sexuality in kink beyond fantasy. Kink was for other people.
Over time, my darkness pulled me to seek out a variety of kinky experiences on a slightly more frequent basis which had the natural impact of my wife and I drifting further and further apart as we became estranged. Our divorce was the natural result of the space growing between us day-by-day.
After the marriage was over, I had made the choice to explore the darkness. I was fortunate to experience a truly kinky existence where I got to do whatever I wanted, with whom I wanted, as much as I wanted, and as often as I wanted. I got really related to the darkness within, but I found the lack of intimacy the key driving force in my ongoing search.
That search led eventually to creating a 24/7 TPE dynamic in relationship with Lady Petra, with whom I have a sex forward, deeply kinky and truly loving relationship.
That’s the preamble to my thoughts about the role of kink in forming truly loving relationships.
Here is the premise. As human beings, sex is one of the most powerful driving motivators of behavior. It’s also true that sex is one of the primary sources of space between a couple. To put it another way, conflict about sex causes couples to build distrust which gradually becomes contempt for one another. Consider that it’s very common to have fantasies about other partners while engaging in sex with your partner. It was true for me and it was certainly true for my wife as well. When we had sex, I would always fantasize about my ideal kink scenarios which more often than not were scenes like the one I read about all those years, or my high school experience watching K get caned, and (this is the important part) I would never tell my wife about my fantasies. So as time passed, there was more and more space between us. The less we talked about our deeply held sexual desires, the more inclined I was to seek satisfaction outside of our marriage. On a gradient, more and more space developed between us. From 10,000 feet up, it was obvious, although in retrospect, the space was not even slightly visible to me at the moment.
I know now that as humans we live inside of stories. Stories about sexuality are deeply held self-beliefs. We create self-talk like: “I am not …. enough” or “I can’t have …” etc. At any given moment, and because we live inside of a story hidden from our view, we don’t realize that the story is driving the context of our life. Even as the impacts mount, the reality is hidden from our view. Gaining access to this information, that those self-beliefs give us context, was key for me to be able to create something new like the dynamic that I have created with Lady Petra.
What I have with her, is what we call a created relationship that is sourced in kink. Which means that in the context of our sexuality we have regular and authentic conversations about what we like, what we desire, and what we don’t like or want to experience. There is nothing wrong and she can ask or request anything as can I. She creates me as her Dom, and I create her as my sub. This means that there is quite literally no space between us that arises from unspoken sexual desire. We also have a commitment to not allow any space to occur. Unspoken withholds are out of integrity. The result is that we are able to ongoingly create unimpeded connection. The fact that we allow no space between us and that our relatedness and connection continues to expand and grow inside of an integrous relationship means that we get infinitely closer and closer together and it feels like we are one.
We describe palpable “magnetism” between us. She experiences my energy as much as any other part of my being. The energy between us pulls us closer together. We experience it as “animal magnetism.” The sex is ridiculously hot. Its naughty, its kinky, its passionate, its daily.
So to summarize:
Having an authentic relationship sourced in kink with both partners in full unconstrained communication provides an opening for a deeper connection which is self-fulfilling as the couple gets closer and closer
till the magnetism itself takes over and the couple is drawn together with an unbreakable electro chemical bond.
In that as kinksters we explore our darkest fantasies in reality, a significant cause of human inauthenticity is resolved, making the fullness of relationship available.
The closeness that kink creates, especially in the context of an aligned D/s couple, allows ever deeper sharing to occur. So closeness creates closeness. It’s the source of our ability to connect energetically.
Consider that the difference between almost boiling water and actually boiling water creates a change in state of the water such that instead of just being able to make tea, you can actually move a train. That same idea is true in relationship. If you are all in with the integrity that kink creates and allows for, the dynamic can also experience a change in state. One that solidifies a relationship with superglue.
Kink, practiced correctly, that is to say with integrity and authenticity in the dynamic, causes relationship.
I wrote this prose recently:
I have had the experiences of a lifetime
I have endured the long painful existence of a mostly sexless vanilla marriage
I have explored being a “fuck-any-slut” Dom
I have explored polyamory to a degree
I have been a Bull to hotwives
I have discovered my true self expression as a Dom and as a Sadist
I have collared a submissive masochist
I am living in a 24/7 TPE
What is so is that I am more fulfilled sexually, emotionally and in relationship that I have ever been in all my life
Kink was my access to happiness
In truth, gratitude is the access to happiness
Through kink, I found a partner with whom I am truly aligned
With her I am experiencing love and happiness for the first time in my life
I am experiencing a state of bliss
Kink was my access to happiness
I am grateful for my kinky existence
Saffermaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching, and produce the podcast Kinky Cocktail Hour which is available in most directories. You can find them on their Patreon Lady Petra Playground or reach then via email SafferMaster@gmail.com or LadyPetraPlayground@gmail.com. SafferMaster and Lady Petra are teaching a webinar on DatingKinky.com titled “What’s in Your Kinky Toolbox” which can be found on the Dating Kinky webinar page.