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The Big Question

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submissive man being dominated

In the world of BDSM, there are a number of questions that will instantly start a heated debate. No, I don’t mean, “Is President Trump a submissive?” – although that can start an argument in a New York minute. What I mean are questions like, “Slave versus submissive?” “What makes a Master?” and “Is BDSM play integral to a D/s relationship?” (I have addressed some of these questions here on kinkweekly.com). But, there is another, even more contentious, question floating around – the “Big Question” as I call it. It concerns the merits of the legendary Old Guard precept that, “You cannot become a Master or a Top without having been a slave or a bottom.”

Before we evaluate its intrinsic worth, a little (boring) history, as best as I can gather, is in order. The Old Guard Leather Societies came of age during the heyday of post World War 2, conservative America. The mainstream culture, at that time, considered S&M (as BDSM was called back then) extremely perverted, if not illegal. Factor in the fact that most of the Old Guard were gay, and you can appreciate why they would be paranoid and be exclusive rather than inclusive. It was not an open subculture; admission into an Old Guard house was purposefully made difficult. Although this was not the Mafia, there was one similarity — the Old Guard tended to be rather secretive. And what better way to keep out “infiltrators” than to keep the S&M bar high? As best as I can determine, there were many rules that raised the price of admission. Some were:

1. Experience in the lifestyle determines social seniority.
2. The more submissive one is, the less direct eye contact one should make.
3. No rules or codes are ever to be explained to outsiders.
4. Tops must behave, at all times, with honor, honesty and dignity.
5. A slave must keep the Master’s leather polished at all times.
6. Bottoms must walk behind and to the left of Tops.
7. And, of course, “You cannot become a Master/Mistress without having been a slave or a bottom.”

This last rule would, in and of itself, raise the “experience bar” dramatically. So it dovetailed into the way the Old Guard maintained itself during a time of “vanilla persecution.”

There is no doubt that knowing how a submissive thinks and reacts will make a Dom/me a better one. In our modern, Internet world, one can learn a lot about the psychology, makeup and proclivities of a submissive by exchanging information on the Internet. Sites like kinkweekly offer a wealth of information. But in those early days, you had to learn mostly by doing; there were few alternatives. Thus, bottoming could give you an insight that was hard to get elsewhere.

As with most ideas, those that work become popular, while those that don’t – like myspace — get discarded. The fact that this rule has survived for so long, and is still being discussed, is testament that it works. And the fact that switching is more popular than ever among the newer lifestylers shows it has worth. But as to bottoming being essential in the schooling of a Master, I disagree.

Bottoming is only one of a number of requirements to becoming a Master – both back then and now. Bottoming alone simply won’t cut it. Whether he/she attains this knowledge by bottoming or by soaking it up in other ways is immaterial. As the song goes, “It doesn’t matter how you get there, just get there.”

The Old Guard Leather Societies pioneered a lot of great customs in this lifestyle we now call BDSM. But all subcultures evolve. And though it might not be required in our era to bottom in order to become a Master/Mistress, it is a technique that still works, and works quite well. I believe that you can become a Master/Mistress in many ways, taking many varied paths. The equivalent result of having bottomed can be achieved by other means. For some, bottoming might be one stop on the road to achieving Mastery. But it is not the only stop, and it is surely not one that every Dom/me must make.

We will be examining “Old Guard vs. New Guard” both here on Kink Weekly and in a panel discussion at DomComLA in May!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Event Review: Leather HEAT

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leather heat

I attended the Saturday portion of the Los Angeles Leather HEAT event with Dexx this past weekend. Leather HEAT is a multi-day educational non-profi event highlighting all things leather and M/s (Master/slave) including classes, vendors, play parties, and the highly anticipated M/s contest. It’s also pansexual to include all genders and orientations.

Dexx and I are not well acquainted with the leather scene in Los Angeles but we love to learn and meet new people. Leather HEAT was extremely well organized and the line up of classes was top notch so it was a great way to dip our toes into this sub-community. We entered the Airtel Plaza Hotel to collect our badges and noticed leather clad attendees in spades which is so much fun to see in public. The staff was extremely friendly and we received a goody bag including items from the varying sponsors most notably Stockroom.

We were short on time so we scurried off to our first class. Dexx and I had decided ahead of time to take advantage of the variety of M/s oriented classes to give us some more ideas for our personal dynamic. We decided on “Hear My Face See His Words” by Master Obsidian and slave namaste from Texas. They are a long term M/s couple from Texas. We personally could not have chosen a better class! They discussed everything about communication within an M/s dynamic, cramming all of this valuable information into 90 minutes. This topic is extremely broad and deep, so it can be difficult to dissect it down to the most essential parts. Master Obsidian and namaste did an incredible job of this, noting that discussing any relationship is an “acquired taste” which means everyone can become accustomed to it and it does not have to be an end of the world discussion. They “normalized” M/s relationships for me. We also ran into fellow Kink Weekly writer Jenn Masri in this class. *Hi Jenn*!

We took a lunch break and checked out the vendors. Dexx ended up snagging a pair of matched floggers from Bunny Flogger to practice his Florentine with. He also had his eye on an asphyxiation collar from Justin Sayne Leather. Yes, it is just as terrible and wonderful as it sounds. I on the other hand had my eye on a leather corset posture collar by Deviant Elegance. It’s simply divine!

The next class was “The Invisible Leash” by Master Tallen and slave george. This was a slightly different point of view from the last class since this was a gay male leather perspective. Master Tallen utlined specific protocols he uses and why. He also answered a lot of really awesome quesitons from the audience. My favorite concept for newer couples entering a power exchange was his method for stopping a potential fight before it begins by alwyas going back to the protocols and dynamic. I personally feel it can be hard even for the most devoted slave to short circuit their lifetime of vanilla relationship management and rely on D/s alone. The concept of having a protocol even for disagreements was novel to me.

The final stop on our M/s train was the second class from Master Obsidian and slave namaste, “The Winter of Our Discontent.” This was the go-to class for conflict resolution within an M/s dynamic. Master Obsidian and namaste made many correlations between an M/s dynamic and a royal hierarchy with the Master being the King of course. This is a great comparison since a royal hierarchy has very specific protocols. I was telling Dexx that I think of him as a Captain, haha.

In all it was a really informative day. I left feeling inspired by all of the great content. Tickets for Leather HEAT 2017 are already on sale here.

anniebear Interviews Tara from The Black Room

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On our recent trip to Las Vegas for the AVNs, we sat down with Tara, manager of The Black Room a fetish leather store in the area. We talked about all things Vegas, dating, and the BDSM scene abroad.

anniebear: Your store The Black Room is kind of a fixture here in Las Vegas and I know you get a lot of tourist traffic as well and you and Franz are local community/BDSM figureheads?

Tara: To a degree. Not as much as some people think. In the last few years we have made more in roads but sadly in Vegas its very divisive. And we have found that when you kind of get involved with one thing even if you’re doing it with the best of intentions another group will be upset with that so to make everyone happy we really do keep our distance. That’s why we don’t really affiliate with a single group here or there. It’s a very unique place Vegas. And the community as I said there’re all these little niches and you just try to make everyone happy. I found that that’s really hard to do because last year at this time I had a dungeon here in town. And sadly it closed and I’m not angry about it but I am disappointed about it but I really never had any local community support to keep it going, which I found very surprising. I really did. I really thought- I don’t want to say you build it they will come but I thought it would have had more local people than I did.

Dexx: That was Faust right? Can you tell us more about that?

The idea behind Faust was I always wanted a dungeon based on a European model. I’d been to many places in Germany and Holland and things like and what we wanted to do was give a place to play that people who were new to the scene or very much into it or very experienced could come to a place that was for fetish only. Faust was not a sex club. It wasn’t like a lot of the other places here. That’s fine that’s there thing but that’s not what we were about. We were about play. When we opened, we had a fantastic opening night I mean it was brilliant and we had an 8000 square foot place. I had a building that was 20,000 square feet and I had plans to expand if things had gone well and I really had this idea of doing it the way no one had ever done it before I mean it was much more than just having a cross here a flogging table there. I really had a lot of stuff planned. But I invested quite a bit of my own money, what I could afford. I had a partner from Belgium, Roger Muiller. Roger and I both had that same vision. And if you go on Faust on Facebook, I still have my site up and you can see photos of it. We had a really wonderful lounge area where people could just relax before they played or after just to get them in the mood or to wind down. In the lounge area no play was allowed-but it didn’t work here in town. I think part of it, like I said lack of community support and part is because I had to be very careful how I advertised. The city didn’t give me a hard time. But in this city you also have to be very careful how you do things. And if I’d have been like in your face kind of like a lot of the nightclubs are they would have shut me down quick. So I was trying to work under the radar but again metro knew about me metro came in on a number of occasions, never had a problem with it but it was a glorious failure as I’d like to say.

anniebear: I did visit the space it was beautiful.

You know I had some interesting nights. I wont deny it. I did have great memories but it just didn’t work.

anniebear: And how did The Black Room come about?

[The Black Room] owner Franz, he had this place in Irvine, CA. He was there for fifteen years and he had it in the back of a jewelry store his wife owned and was quite successful. But it was much more of a local community kind of little shop. His wife sadly passed from leukemia in 2010 and he came out here. He started in October 2010 here with basically all he had which was whatever he had placed in storage because he had closed the business to take care of his wife. So we had that and I came on about four months after he opened. And we just tried everything you can think of for advertising, we had some pieces that we brought in here that we thought would be great sellers, didn’t sell at all. Other things that we knocked heads about, sometimes he was right sometimes I was right. (laughs) For instance late last year we instituted a line of adult baby and it is flying off our website! We cannot keep stuff in fast enough. We get lots of hate letters from people who are waiting and we’re trying to get stuff in as fast as we can!

anniebear: I thought you were going say you get hate letters from people saying that they’re against the store (laughs)

Yes, they’re just in tears (laughs). Now I have nothing against infantile play, its great people love it but I didn’t think it was as popular as it is. And that surprised me, happily. That has really taken off for us, we I think have a good reputation on the quality of stuff that we sell. We try to bring in as much from Europe as possible. I won’t deny that we do have a little bit of what I would call inferior quality for beginners. Because obviously beginners don’t want to spend a lot of money but I still want to sell to them so I bring in the “fifty shades of gray” line, the stuff that’s very basic. You may get one or two uses out of it. You may buy a flogger that costs you $10 and the purist in me doesn’t want to sell it I hate it but business is business and it does sell. But for those who are more knowledgeable or have more experience they really do like our stuff and that makes me very happy. I am one of those people I won’t sell something to you if I just don’t think you’re ready for it. And I will tell people that straight to their face, you’re not ready for this. If you really really want it I’ll sell it to you but if you’re asking my opinion you’re not ready for that. And I think that has shown that we’re very honest with our customers.

I read things on Yelp and it’s usually nice things but somebody wrote one time that they said, “I came in there a stranger and I walked out a friend.” And that that makes me happy because those are customers which are going to come back. Even with tourists I won’t just sell something to a tourist thinging, “well I’ll never see them again.” And that have proved to be nice because we have had a lot of return people. I’ve had people from Australia, New Zealand, even Germany that will come here and will say we came to Vegas, yea we’re going to have the “Vegas experience” but our first stop was your store. That really makes me feel good because that tells me we’re doing something right.

Do we make mistakes of course, do we get people mad at us of course. That’s business. Its like I was trying to tell Franz one day the more you sell online the more you’re opening yourself up to criticism because he hates to see criticism but you have to roll with the punches. I say if you’re selling ten pieces and you get one complaint, it’s 10% of your business. If you’re selling 100 pieces and get 10 complains its still only 10%. So you have t look at it in that perspective.

Interior of The Black Room
Interior of The Black Room

anniebear: How did you meet Franz then?

It was funny, I had come back from Ireland. I’d come here in the early 2000’s got a little homesick and went home. Then the economy crashed in Ireland and I thought well there’s no way I want to stay here and live on the dole so I came back to Las Vegas, I have family here. And I was actually working in a sex club as a bartender. It was very funny because a sex club is not my personal kind of thing and I just stood behind the bar and it was just a meeting place. I always had people say they came in there just to come talk to me even if they never got lucky in the club they still had a good time because you know I have a talent, if you would for making people laugh.

anniebear: I’m sure you make a great bartender.

I met Franz, he came in one time. We got talking and then he had come in a few other times and we just hit it off. And he said to me “if you ever want to come work for me let me know and I’ll hire you on the spot.” And I said “yea ok thanks, etc.” I finally had gotten tired of the club it wasn’t me and it wears on you those places always do just like I always hear escorts say they can do it for so long and then just burn out. I was in this [BDSM] world myself as a player and I’d been a pro-Domme for more years than I care to admit but he found out I was no longer working there and I didn’t contact him or anything but he gave me a call one day and said do you want to come work for me and I said yes!

anniebear: And do you usually get along?

It’s funny because you know believe me we have some knock down drag outs but what’s really good is that we do leave it at business. Before he had his new fiancé, many times we would go out on a Saturday night after work and go to dinner and go do some karaoke or something. He’s like a big brother. And Franz is very knowledgeable, he has some really good contacts in Germany and because of that Franz gets his stuff direct and it eliminates a middle man which obviously gives us the ability to sell stuff at really what I consider reasonable prices. We have very much beginner stuff that’s very cheap and we have some really high end stuff and it can be expensive. But for the most part if you look at the pieces and the quality of it it’s reasonable.

tara 1

anniebear: Have you spent much time in Germany?

I have been there on a number of occasions but I’ve never lived there. The last time was in 2001. I had to visit the Kit Cat club and if you haven’t been go!

anniebear: When you were a professional Dominatrix, that was in Ireland?

No that was in Holland. I was very much my own enterprise. I never believed in working under other people like that because the more people that are about the more likely you’re going to get in trouble. Just like if I did it here I wouldn’t do it as a group or under anybody else or have a website because the police troll those things in Vegas. Even though no sex is involved, if they want to bust you they will. But I had very interesting clients in Holland. It was a little bit different, the late 80s early 90s, tastes changes just like styles change but I when I was doing it it was much more what people would call the run of the mill play. I never had anything really unusual, in my mind. I’m sure a lot of the stuff to vanilla people would seem unusual but it was –your basic floggings, whippings, anal play, CBT, piercings, things like that. I had basic clients, some people who were local politicians at the time. That was the biggest thing I always noticed. It always amazes me how many professional people are in this lifestyle, maybe because they’re more open minded or have more time or funds, I don’t really know. Most of the people that I knew in Holland were very much professional people.

anniebear: We’re always interested in hearing about what the scene is like in other cities and countries.

In Europe what surprises me too, Vegas is such a visual town when you go it’s “I’m in Vegas I’m going to do myself up,” it surprises me when I first came here you see that we [at The Black Room] are more about fashion and clothing than we are about equipment though we have been bringing that part of it too. It really surprises me about the number of people who are local that really don’t dress up and for us when you went to a dungeon or club that’s what it was all about. I mean yes everybody played but you saw the stereotype people, in corsets the men in suits, special rubber suits or leather or latex, masks. And you really don’t get that here. The most you seem to get is people who will wear a black t-shirt maybe biker boots and a vest as far as the men go. A lot of the women just get naked which is fine to each their own. But in Europe it was all about the image was part of the fantasy. Part of the atmosphere of the club that’s really lacking here.

anniebear: In LA I feel that people dress.

Dexx: It varies from event to event, but some people do.

anniebear: It seems like Vegas has a lot of old school players or people that have been in the scene for years and years and don’t really deviate much from those rules to the point of not being inclusive.

They do and people have a right to do and believe what they want. I don’t have any issue with that. What I don’t like and I’m just speaking for me personally, I’ve never sat there and called out anybody on this, what I don’t like is how many times I’ll hear the chatter online that if you don’t do it this way or that way you’re just dabbling your not really serious. Or you don’t know what lifestyle play is all about. Who anointed them the “S & M guardian.” To me if you’re thing is getting tied to the bed and getting spanked a few times before you engage in sexual play, if that’s your kink then that’s your kink and there’s nothing wrong with that. So I really don’t like when people do that. And I hear a lot of that. I don’t know if goes on like that in LA but I just saw so much criticism about the way people play. I get annoyed when I hear some club say we’re a male dominated society and our group is all about male dominance. Ok that’s fine I don’t have problem with that but for somebody who is new to the scene or doesn’t understand it when they come to their group, they’ll turn around and insult them, “oh you’re a switch or a male submissive get out of here.” That’s just rude, I’m sorry. I always thought we were about educating each other as much as the pubic at large and I hear a lot of that.

tara 2

anniebear : What advice would give to someone brand new starting out exploring the lifestyle?

Be careful. Ask loads of questions; don’t be afraid to ask questions. I also say that if there’s something you are interested in, try to find people that you first trust and who know a bit about what it is you’re interested in. And let’s say for instance you’re into electrical play, play with more than one person. If possible-I’m going from the aspect that you’re not attached to anybody. You find somebody you trust, you play. If you really like it fantastic. If it’s not what you thought it was don’t just discount it. Try somebody else and see how they do it because everyone is different in their techniques. So you may find, ok I like it but that first person just wasn’t good at it or you may try it with two or three different people and you just don’t like the experience. You say ok that’s not for me. Use your head, just be intelligent. I’d like to think that most people that get into this are fairly intelligent. Someone who’s willing to be submissive say, wouldn’t play with someone without asking questions. It’s a dangerous pastime if you don’t take your precautions. Just ask loads of questions and be smart and if something in your head says this isn’t right you stop, walk away. Don’t feel like you have to prove anything to anyone.

For somebody who is new I’m always leery of the people that say “I don’t do the munch thing because I find them to be ridiculous” that kind of red flags me. When people around these public sites say that. Not that you have to do a munch but the great thing about them is if you’re a regular attendee most people kind of know you and you know them so if you’re somebody new and you can meet them at a munch and ask around. It lays the ground work.

Dexx: What do you think it’ll take before Vegas could have another public dungeon again?

Well, Franz and I have talked about this and we have a plan in place if the cards fall properly. We would love to do something in the space next door to us. We would like to turn it into a weekend play space. I think what it takes is it’s hard –the most ideal way to do it in this city is in a private residence. But the trouble with most private residences is that if you want the perfect place it’s going to cost a ton of money to rent and the trouble is with most houses is the rooms are too small. And then there’s parking or upset the other residences. It’s tough. It’s a shame that Vegas is a little bit tight assed but they are. I always laugh and jokingly say this town loves the nickname but they don’t like the actuality. Yea we’re Sin City the adult playground of the world. Come spend your money but you can’t do that you cant do that.

Dexx: Keep your panties on there! (laughs)

Like the AVNs it’s a porn star thing or the Fetish and Fantasy Ball and everyone knows what its about and yet people get so bent out of shape when they see boobs, even if the nipples are covered, they see boobs; and oh my God! It’s what it’s about.

anniebear: It’s the American way to have that reaction.

You know Ireland is still a very conservative place and they say oh you have such freedom in Vegas you can do what you want and I’m like really? I can get in better trouble in Dublin than here. It is what it is.

anniebear: So, are you seeing anybody right now?

No I’m not and it’s hard for a number of reasons and you’re going to laugh at this. I just like regular run of the mill, straight fellas and I’m a post op so it’s hard to find regular straight fellas who are A) comfortable with my past, B) are at least interested in this lifestyle, or C) because they know I work here it scares the hell out of them. Its like oh I don’t think I could handle her. She’s gonna be too much or too wild for me.

anniebear: Are you a switch do you prefer domination?

To say I’m not would be a lie, I am a switch but the way I say that is I do pro Domme occasionally. I do have some clients that come into town a few times a year, not a ton. But for my own personal play I’m a bottom. I can do the Domme role, I’m good at it but I don’t get the excitement I get out of being a submissive.

Dexx: Are the Germans as kinky as their reputation would suggest?

Yes. It’s a good thing! Franz said this once to me and I don’t know if he was really joking about it or meant it-the Germans when they approach their business, the business days are very straight forward, very proper, all the T’s are crossed, everything is efficiency. So I think when they have their down time according to Franz he says that’s when we let our hair down and that does make sense because I do have loads of friends who are Germans and they’re kinkiest you’ve ever met. They don’t broadcast it but they don’t conceal it, where I have friends who are really kinky in Ireland, I mean Irish men are trust me the kinkiest things going but they all deny it.

My Lifelong Love of Leather

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mdhl

For as long as I can remember I have been in love with leather. It seems it’s just always been there, though I was not always aware of it. There is just something comforting and wonderful about it. The look, the feel, the smell; they combine to produce an effect in me that just feels like home.

As a kid I read a lot; I mean a LOT. I was mostly drawn to science fiction and fantasy novels, and when I discovered stories about Conan the Barbarian and other similar characters I was hooked and read everything I could get my hands on. The main characters in these stories were always powerful men, warriors clad in leather and furs, be it hardened leather armor or plain animal skins for warmth; leather was always very prominent. There were also frequent references to gear, whips, flogs, bindings, and various other things that would eventually become much more familiar to me. It began to form a perception in my mind about the relationship between dominant, warrior men and leather. Little did I realize how important this would become to me later in life.

My adolescent idols were always rock stars, and especially heavy metal bands. Groups like Judas Priest and KISS, all decked out in their leather and chrome studded outfits not only appealed to me because of their music, but because of their style as well. It just seemed like the epitome of masculine power to my teenaged brain.

I can distinctly remember buying my very first leather jacket. I was 18 years old and made my first trip to the Wilson’s leather store. You didn’t even have to enter the store before the smell would wash over you like a warm smothering wind. Just stepping into that place was like entering heaven for me.

I tried on many items that day; pants, gloves, overcoats, but finally settled on a simple, waist length, black leather jacket; not quite motorcycle style, but very masculine looking. It felt powerful and primal and as I looked at myself wearing it in the mirror, seemingly transformed by it somehow, it felt like a rite of passage. For years afterward that jacket went everywhere I did. I wore it ALL the time.

So I suppose it’s no real surprise that as an adult entering the lifestyle, I was drawn immediately to the leather culture. However at that time I was very inexperienced in all the idiosyncrasies of kink lifestyle, and at first it seemed that the leather culture was primarily dominated by gay males; which is in fact where the male leather culture originally comes from. But one thing I knew for certain, even at that time, was that I was not gay, and didn’t really care to engage in any kinky activity with gay men. No judgement, just not my thing.

Regardless, I was determined to be who I am, even if I was the only one. Before attending my first public kink party on New Year’s Eve in Vancouver, BC, I headed to the local motorcycle shop in search of leathers to wear to the party. I found a great pair of pants and a black leather vest which seemed perfect. Party attire secured, I set out to make a bold impression right out of the gate. Unfortunately being so new to the scene I didn’t realize that the spiked leather dog collar I also included in my outfit would single me out as a submissive!!

So, after having to turn down several would-be male suitors, I decided to ditch the collar. Lesson learned. I obviously had much to figure out.

Eventually I made my way back home to Los Angeles only to discover a veritable beehive of kink and fetish related activity, and soon I was attending munches and parties and gaining a small circle of friends. By this time I had a leather motorcycle jacket and wore either it or my trusty vest everywhere I went. But I didn’t see many other men wearing leather like I did. I knew I had to be missing something.

Then one night at my regular munch I spotted one, a tall, imposing male figure clad in a leather vest just like I was. But where mine was plain, his was emblazoned proudly with a series of patches on the front, his name, a tri-colored flag and other things I couldn’t quite make out. And on the back of his vest, big and bold in Red, Black and Silver, a crest with a crown and the name of what I assumed must be a motorcycle club. He was confident, intimidating and looked like he wouldn’t take any crap from anyone.

I asked the munch host if she knew who he was and she told me what little she knew, but then before I had a chance to go introduce myself, he was gone. But I had some hope at last that there were others like me out there, if only I could find them.

It wasn’t long into my time in the scene here in LA, that I began looking for a mentor. I was at a stage where I wanted to really take my lifestyle seriously and I knew I needed help. A former girlfriend recommended someone she had met and was playing with and he was one of the men I reached out to regarding mentorship, and as it turns out the only one to respond. He recommended that I attend a meeting of the Los Angeles chapter of the MDHL, where he said he and some of his friends would be in attendance.

I didn’t even know what MDHL was, but I wanted to talk to him so I agreed to go. I had even less of an idea how much this one small thing would change my life.
I showed up, leather vest and all only to find myself soon surrounded by more than a dozen men in leather; vests, jackets, and most with that same crest I had seen at the munch a couple of months earlier. I had found them!!

I soon learned that MDHL stands for Male Dominant Heterosexual Leather, and that like LGBT, it is a community, a means of identification, and a specific lifestyle. I thought I’d died and found nirvana!! (the paradise, not the band) Finally! My people, and in organized numbers!

As I sat there listening to the open discussion of MDHL/female submissive relationships, and the lifestyle itself, I became overwhelmed with a sense of belonging, and could tell that these men and women were among the most serious about this way of life of anyone I had met so far. They talked about things like respect, honor, commitment and service to the community. These were no mere amateurs, this meant something to them.

I met my mentor that night, one of the men in that vest, and after talking with him for a while, asked for his help and guidance in my path. There was just something about the way he spoke and carried himself that impressed me greatly.

As time went on under his example and friendship I learned a great deal about what it means to be a dominant Leatherman, as well as what the leather lifestyle means to me and those around me. To us, leather is more than just a fashion statement, and MDHL more than a casual means of identification. The brotherhood runs deep. The bond of leather is something we all respect, cherish and protect enthusiastically. Leather Dominants often refer to each other as brothers and express genuine love and respect for each other.

Leather means brotherhood, self-discipline and honor. There is a tradition of respect, for oneself and for others that earn it, an open minded exchange of ideas and information, and eager activity in the community at large.

I also learned that those men wearing the crest on their vests were a close knit group of leathermen who had formed a fraternal organization among themselves. A group of very serious and experienced players who shared their love of the lifestyle and each other like family. This is, in my experience, a rare thing, especially among dominant men. It can sometimes be hard to just have a friendly conversation with another dominant in the room, or even form a casual friendship, let alone a lifelong bond. There is often so much ego based posturing and defensiveness that any real relationship is blocked; but not so with these men. I am now honored to be prospecting to more closely join this brotherhood, and proudly display a prospect patch right above my MDHL flag.

Surprisingly those of us that are MDHL have had perhaps more than our share of discrimination in our own community. It’s odd to me that in a world where literally almost anything goes, those of us who are heterosexual men, who like to wear leather and have our S and M scenes with submissive women get a fair amount of negative reaction from other factions, even though we may be doing the exact same things. It seems that, for some, its fine for a man to tie up and beat on another man, or for a woman to do so to another woman, or even for a woman to do it to a man. But the minute you get a man doing these things to a woman, there is a discomfort level that some folks just can’t seem to handle. Throw a black leather jacket or, god forbid, a motorcycle into the mix and watch out!

I think this may be a remnant left over from what I like to call “vanilla conditioning”; or a set or perceived values that is not necessarily coming from what the person feels, but rather from what society at large deems appropriate. Which if you think about it, in our community is pretty ridiculous, but hey, it happens. Certainly genuine abuse is wrong, and should not be condoned in any sense. But there is such a stigma over men beating up women that, even though we absolutely operate within the bounds of consent just like anyone else in the lifestyle, we are viewed by some as abusers for indulging in very common practices found in BDSM relationships. Practices nearly everyone else is also doing.

So part of the benefit of openly identifying as MDHL, and further, in being a part of a close group of like-minded folks, is gaining and sharing an awareness, creating a safe place where we can commune and be ourselves, knowing that we are not alone, and doing our part to educate the community at large. This is something I’m sure anyone who thinks back to their early days of first being aware that there was something “different” about their sexuality, and maybe even being ashamed of it, can identify with and agree is supremely important. Because the simple fact is we are out there, doing our thing, and we’re not going anywhere.

We are not abusers. We are in fact some of the most conscientious and respectful people in the scene today. Men like me take ownership of their actions and always strive to provide a safe environment for their submissives to express their sexuality. We absolutely cherish and protect our submissives because they are precious to us. We place an extremely high value on tradition, order, honor and respect. BDSM and the MDHL lifestyle are inextricably linked to who I am as a person and a sexual being, and it has taken me a lot to become comfortable with that. So I won’t stand by quietly and hear my lifestyle judged or torn down by anyone who doesn’t approve or understand it.

For me, it has certainly been a long and winding road, and in many waysI feel like I’m still near the beginning of my journey. But I feel very fortunate to have found my niche, and even more so to have found a safe haven to express myself in the way I need to without being judged or black balled. This is what the leather community has meant to me, and I look forward to even more experiences within it as my journey continues.

Frederick M. is 24/7 MDHL; Male Dominant Heterosexual Leather and proudly mentored by a member of the Monarchs. He currently resides in Los Angeles practicing polyamory with his two lovely submissives.

Dexx Interviews Master Gabriel

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master gabriel

Dexx: You’re the creator of the Gentleman In Charge event, you teach the BDSM 201 class series, and you create leather products under the Ravynblood Leather brand. For many you’re also known as the voice of DomCon in LA and Atlanta. So, I guess if you go back a little ways, how did you first find yourself coming into the BDSM community?

Master Gabriel: Well, actually I first stepped foot into the Sanctuary in Reseda. A friend of mine at the time had seen some of the leatherwork that I’d done. We thought perhaps we could get something going and he suggested possibly going to talk to Mistress Cyan and see what she thought of the leather goods and see if it might be a worthwhile venture to try out. So that was my first step in and that was some many years ago, probably a good eight to ten years ago. Of course before then I was playing behind closed doors and didn’t even know there was an actual community at that point in time. So that was my first introduction into the actual community of BDSM.

So you have a degree in psychology I believe?

I do.

And do you think that that has helped you in terms of understanding the roles in BDSM and finding your own role that you like and educating others in terms of the different aspects of BDSM?

I wish it helped me more often than I thought because it really does but when you get up close and personal for some reason what you know about psychology just goes out the door. But in general, yes it helps me understand the roles a little bit better. It helped me to kind of understand the inner workings of the community as a whole, not necessarily as helpful up close and personal because as I mentioned typically when you get into a relationship with somebody it’s –there’s so much passion and so much energy going on you don’t really pay attention to those fine details.

Right –so the Gentleman In Charge (GIC) event seems to have become quite popular at Sanctuary. What lead you to creating that?

Actually, this is the brainchild of Mistress Cyan. She brought me in on it in order to start it up and run it. I had been mentoring under her and she thought I’d be a good fit for running it. Of course, then the only thing that we had in mind was creating a male Dom/female sub evening. At that point in time WICK, which is Women In Charge of Kink had been running with some relative success for about a year or so and she wanted to make sure there was a male Dom/femsub side to it as well. So we hit the ground running and took the reigns and its been going ever since.

So how is GIC different form other play parties?

It’s way different than other play parties. It’s specifically male Dominant/female sub, there’re not that many male Dom/femsub specific clubs in southern California so there’s not really much to choose from in that regard. In particular, from the get go our team understand that this meant for male Doms and female subs but we felt it needed to be a safe place for the female subs to come to. Otherwise it’s just any old meat market and we didn’t want that. We wanted to make sure it was a safe place for new people and people who are long term in the scene as a fem sub to be there without fear of having to do whatever any dominant that approaches them says. Which is partly why we utilize the red ribbon system where you can pin on a red ribbon if you’re interested in talking about potential play. It leaves that particular bit of control in the women’s hands, that way they can at least show if they’re interested in talking or if they’re just there to spectate.

Do you think that’s been an issue at other male Dom/femsub play parties in the past- that they can be quite intimidating for the females because its sort of open season for the males to think they can do as they please?

I think there’s a sense that that might be the case. Whether that’s what actually goes on in those clubs or not is dependent highly on the individual clubs. But I think that the intimidation is there and to make it open and make it well known that our interest is to make sure its not that kind of a night, not that kind of a club, I think that’s what’s important.

And it’s billed as a high protocol event. What does that entail?

Well for GIC specifically we bill it as high protocol simply because we make sure the gentlemen are there as gentlemen. We enforce a dress code both for the men and women just to make sure that the evening is more classy or make sure that its seen that way. As far as protocol in general, we really leave that open to the specific dynamic you come in with. Also if you come in with your own lady and you have your own protocol we make room for that. But certainly the feel is there. We want to make sure that gentlemanly Dom is the overall energy of the evening and that lends itself to the specific dynamics.

Great-would you recommend that as an event for people who are brand new to the scene?

Most definitely. Every month we get a ton of new people that are coming in there. Several people will send new people that they learn of and talk to in the scene, specifically because of the kind of night it is. It’s not the meat market type of event, you do have the availability to say whether or not you’re just there to watch or if you actually want to interact or not. The gentlemen that are there on average do act like gentlemen. We do make sure we have both male and female dungeon monitors. That way the females that are there do have somebody they can go to. They don’t feel like its just male run. So its very much well structured for that. Also on the flip side of this, at the beginning of the evening we have our discussions. That ranges from anything from negotiations to dynamics we’ll bring guest speakers and that runs for a good half hour or so at the beginning for education for the entire community. I leave that open as an interactive discussion on purpose because we want to make sure we get everybody there interacting. Its not there to be just somebody up there talking and lecturing. We want to make sure everybody participates including the new people. A lot of new people have questions that they really don’t feel as if they can ask at someplace like a class. That’s the place to do it.

In your 201 class series, you cover some advanced topics. Some of them involve dynamics and psychology of D/s relationships others touching on some areas some people consider to be edge play like needles knives and fire play. How did you come to learn those skills?

I learned directly from my mentor Mistress Cyan. Others were 101 training that were taken throughout the year, some is cross over from things that I’d learned such as martial arts. I’ve been drawing from Boy Scouts, personal exploration. So it’s from there and a lot of it is a mixture of all of thee above.

Do you think that people that enjoy BDSM tend to gravitate towards more edge and advanced play over time or do you think some people are more content to stick to the more conventional play like spanking, floggers and power exchange?

No, I really think a lot of them gravitate more towards the conventional play like flogging and power exchange. Not everybody is into edge and that’s perfectly fine. Everybody has different styles of play. The vast majority is conventional.

Do you ever have people that attend some of the classes and find themselves getting a bit squeamish?

I haven’t come across that yet. Usually I make it pretty well known what is generally going to happen in those classes. For the most I think people know ahead of time what to expect. So I haven’t come across anybody who has become squeamish yet- or at least not that they’ve told me.

And do you know of anybody yourself that has suffered unintended injuries trying out some edgier things? Perhaps not as a result of your class but just in general in the scene?

I haven’t seen too much in the way of it. Now there have been instances in the past that I’ve heard of and you know its kind of like rock climbing, you know that there are dangers that are involved in it. So there is the possibility for potential problems. I haven’t had the experience of having too much of that happening. You usually hear a whole lot about it but in my experience its better to be well prepared for something even if its not going to happen. The possibility of it makes it a necessity to be prepared for it

Do you have any advice for people who are curious about trying out some of those things but they live somewhere where it’s harder to find classes about those topics?

Well, I would go on the online classes, read obviously, there are a lot of books even on edge play. There’s a book called Play Piercing, that’s specifically on needles. Jay Wiseman has written several books on topics including knife play. There’s plenty of literature out there these days that are open and available for it

Your submissive birdy also seems to teach quite a few classes. More of the submissive oriented ones. You two seem to be a pretty good match in terms of you both being quite well known figures now as BDSM educators.

The whole House has been doing quite well with the classes and such, we have the Submissive Training Series that birdy has done. Prior to that we had the Submissive Bootcamp earlier in the year. Starr, my other submissive will be doing the next submissive bootcamp in the coming year. Of course there’s GIC and BDSM 201 but also the SoCal Poly Support Group that birdy runs. We do various conventions and such, we even have LA Next Gen which is run by Mister Gear which is also a member of the house. I have several fingers in several pies.

So that’s your House Ravynblood your talking about? Tell me more about that.

That’s my household. I’m the head of house. Ultimately it’s a group of like-minded thinkers. We’ve gotten together over the last few years or so. We’ve grown to be much larger than I ever expected it would actually be. It started up a little over a year ago, about a year and half at this point. And the first members of course were myself and Mister Gear. Vee came in the mix shortly after that. Ultimately, there’s a protocol guide, a household guide that we all follow and our major creed over the household is “to love, to honor, to respect” and we do try to get out in the community and make sure we’re teaching and putting that energy back into the community that we love.

I’m sure people often ask if you all live together?

It’s not a physical household in that we all live in the same house. It’s a household in that we all are like-minded and connected by the protocol. Together at one point in time or another, they’ve all served under the household. So the household is really what we conglomerate under. So when we put out the SoCal Poly Support Group, when we put out the upcoming Dom Training series all of that is under the household. And we all help each other to make it work.

Within the household, you mentioned you’re the head of the household. Are there other defined roles or statuses that people have?

In general yes. There are other dominants in the house. In fact Mister Gear just gained a dominant status. So in relation to say the structure of it you would come into the house, there is a period of time where you are evaluated. Then at that point in time if we feel that both ends are a match then you are welcomed in the household but at that point you are not given a title at all. You have to undergo what we call standards; standardized sections of information-some of them are discussions, some of them are projects. You do have to finish those in order to update your status in the household. Whether that’s submissive or dominant we also have “compeer” which is kind of a switch type of position. Those are various positions in the house. So really in regards to dominant and submissive, they’re pretty much on the same level across the board it’s simply a matter of dynamic rather than position.

How could somebody join the household if they were interested in that?

Well that’s all in our protocol guidebook which of course you would not have seen but as far as our protocol goes in regards to becoming a part of the household –the house as a whole will look at that and see if we’d like to entertain putting that person through a period of evaluation. Of course as the head of house I have the final say so regardless of what the house votes I am the final say on it. After you’ve been brought in for evaluation-there’s three to six months of evaluation where both the house is kind of evaluating that person as well as giving that person a chance to feel out the house and make sure it’s the right fit in both directions. Because if it’s not something you end up feeling that you want after a six month period of time then it’s probably not for you. It’s probably not something that you would be very invested in and that’s ok.

And have there been people who have either been turned down or have decided not to pursue that?

It hasn’t happened yet. But it might happen; I don’t now what the future holds. Obviously the future held a lot more people in the household than I expected to begin with.

Just generally do you have advice for somebody who’s new to BDSM that wants to be dominant?

Actually, I’ll be starting up a Dominant Training series at the beginning of the year. That spun off of the current BDSM 201 that I’ve got. In general, really it can be online classes, YouTube has plenty of things on there that you can gleam from. Read. I can’t emphasize that enough even if its audio books. There are tons of things on audio right now that are kink and BDSM related. Of course you can start off with the book BDSM 101 its for beginners in general. I highly suggest especially as a dominant to seek outside of that as well. There’s a fantastic book called Nudge. It has nothing to do with the scene what so ever but is on the mental devices that we as humans have that alter our decisions. There’s also another book, Mistakes Were Made But Not By Me and it’s all about deception. And that in itself changed my entire perception on how to discipline myself and discipline in general and kind of utilizing that for discipline and behavior modification for others. And of course there’s also podcasts. There’s the Fearless Submissive podcast, the TED radio hour -you’ll learn about both sides of the slash.

As a dominant you don’t want to limit yourself to just learning about being a dominant. Learn about the submissive side. Understand who it is your working with. What it is that your working with in general? What they’re going to see from their angle. And then think outside the box. Once you know the basics, once you have the basic skills the basic idea of what it is to be a dominant, work outside of that. Draw from what you now. You’ve been in marital arts? Fantastic you can draw from that. I can’t tell you how many things that I have in my protocol that I’ve drawn from my martial arts background. Boy Scouts, I’m an eagle scout, I’ve drawn tons of information from it. Most of the things that are in my household’s standards are drawn from Boy Scouts. You have skills, hobbies, do you know how to boot shine can you learn how to boot shine, can you learn just general skill over all that you can utilize in the scene? There’s tons of information out there that really has nothing to do with the scene in general but can be applied.

It seems like there are quite a few classes around for many of the technical skills involved in being a dominant whether its tying rope or impact but not that many in terms of actually the dominant mindset and your confidence and body language and perhaps inspiring submission in somebody who wants to take on that role. So, do you have advice for how people can get into that mindset a bit more and develop themselves?

Posture and breathing. Posture and breathing are two huge things that can help you get into that mindset. Far to often we slouch throughout the day and by the simple act of straightening your back and bringing your shoulders even has an immense impact. When I first started training Mister Gear for his dominance, that was the first step that we took, to straighten out his posture. Now that doesn’t mean you have to walk around like that all of the time but it changes the way that you look at things, it changes the way that you see things. It changes how you feel about yourself. And that in turn changes how you act and how you act towards others. Now you’d be surprised that by doing that simple little act how much more dominant you feel and again breathing; one thing that I have several in my household working on right now again drawing from martial arts, its called “One Conscious Breath,” and that’s the simple act of drawing in a breath and letting back out and not just breathing but focusing only and solely on nothing else but that breath. It lends such a clarity and peace of mind, it helps to refocus and again those little things, those simple little acts can change how you are change your dominance drastically.

It sounds like you’ve drawn quite a lot from martial arts which you’ve done. Which martial arts have you done and how long have you been doing those for?

The martial arts that I was in, I haven’t done it for a few years now was called Mugei Mumei no Jitsu-which roughly translates to “no art no hand.” And ultimately it was a bit unconventional I’d have to say. I learned quite a different smattering of things. It’s a combination art and really was kind of built from various martial arts so was drawn from ju-jitsu and kenjitsu and several others to kind of a melting pot into a different art all together. But between that and as you mentioned before the psychology background it really changes how you look at things, that how things don’t necessarily need to be exactly what they are presented as….you can do so much more.

Do you think that at some point, BDSM could benefit from having some kind of standardized training progression system particularly for dominants where you can measure progression similar to how you have in martial arts?

I think it could benefit greatly from standardization. Not necessarily that is needs to all be the same. The reason for standards in my household is not because that’s the end all be all of what you need to know. The standards are simply only basic to take care of somebody who might be dropping, how to recognize drop, things that really even basic players should really learn and know. And what that does for me as the head of household, it gives me a peace of mind that any member of my household can be anywhere at any time and I don’t have to be there. I know they know the basics, I know they know what they’re doing in those particular realms. Now that doesn’t mean that they are the best at flogging, that doesn’t mean that they’re the best at anything, that just means they know their basics. They know their basic skills. Now really everybody actually should know how to bandage a wound. Most people don’t even have a first aid kit in their bag.

So what attributes define a great dominant?

I’ve met so many great dominants. I will say a sense of patience and the ability to step away from a situation, to look at it from the big picture. I think that really is a factor that you see across the board. Most great dominants that you see in the scene they have that uncanny ability to step away and not let something rile them up even though by all rights could, to be able to step back and take a look at the big picture and act accordingly to respond rather than react to the situation.

You produce leather products under the RavynBlood Leather brand. How long have you been working leather for?

Well I’ve been working leather for-well my first job at Candy was way back when in 1996 and then I think I was fiddling with leather for a few years before that. So for a long long time. Learned a lot of tricks over the years. But I do currently run Ravynblood Leather. I normally have a booth out at DomCon LA. Occasionally here and there I will have a booth out at Sanctuary Marketplace coming up at the end of November. That’s really the only places that you’ll see it these days. I’ve really shifted focus. I like to keep my leather fun and doing it all the time for a full time business just isn’t fun so I like to do it here and there so that way I can experiment with things, play with it a little bit more and have some fun.

What’s involved for a layman who doesn’t know anything about leather working. What’s involved in turning the materials you source into a product like a collar?

Something like a collar-well you’re talking about straight edging and strap cutting it which basically means you’re cutting out the strip itself from a hide because they haven’t perfected the art of growing cows in squares yet. So they kind of come in wonky shapes. And for those who are in the know of leather, there are certain areas you really want to avoid on a cowhide. That’s something that only a person who’s been working with leather for years would know. You definitely want to bevel those edges, make sure its not scratchy on the skin. You can do any kind of design you want to do on it. If you’re savvy with tools, you can actually tool in it. These days most times you’ll see rings, so now you’ll have to punch holes for those small pieces, rivet off the pieces of leather, rivet up the buckle and finish it up. A little bit more work than a cut in paste (laughs)

(Laughs) And where did the name RavynBlood come from?

I don’t get asked that question too often. Actually that came from my family background. In my family we have quite a bit of native heritage. And the one native heritage that we managed to get the most information about in our tree, actually their primary motive for their tribe plan, was the raven. In that particular group, the raven was the only creature in the universe that was capable of keeping one foot firmly in the mainland, what we see and what we know, and one foot in the other world. It was the only creature able to go back and forth like that. So, I actually have native blood of the raven, hence RavynBlood. Initially that was just for the leather booth, and as things went that name stuck to me and kind of became part of my name over all and hence the household name was spawned under that name.

I hear you’re writing a book? How’s that coming along?

I actually am now writing two books. I’m writing a book in regards to household structure and how to build households. And that’s drawing from my experience as well as drawing from other experiences from other dominants that I personally know in the scene. I’m kind of combining all of those together a little bit to give people a better understanding of how these things come about and how to do it themselves. Parts of that have spun off into the gentleman dominant and there will be a whole other book following up with that.

That’s great, I look forward to when those two come out. Do you have a timeframe for them?

I’m hoping they’ll be out by the end of next year. I’ve got the first rough draft partly done already for the household book. That’ll be the first to come out. Hopefully the following year I’ll have the secondary book-The Gentleman Dom.

Master Gabriel is the Head of Household with House RavynBlood. He produces Gentlemen in Charge and Sanctuary Marketplace at Sanctuary LAX, is the Lead Educator of the BDSM 201 Education Series, and “the voice of DomCon LA.” You can view his Ravynblood Leather goods here.