Los Angeles

Joining the Kink Community

August 28, 2017 By Jenn Masri 3 Comments

Discovering the world of kink can be a fabulous and overwhelming experience. So where do you go? What do you do? This can be especially nerve wracking if you are coming in like I did – unpartnered and clueless.

In my opinion Fetlife is the best way to find events in the scene. Most event coordinators will promote there whether or not they promote elsewhere. So the first step, if you haven’t already, is to join Fetlife. Go to Fetlife.com and create a profile. Feel free to use a stock photo or a picture of your dog as your profile pic until you come up with something better. Just don’t leave it empty for long. The profiles with a big “?” as the profile pic may make people think it’s a fake account, you’re a troll, etc. Also, keep in mind my next step will only work if you input your actual city or one that is near you. I understand if you are uncomfortable putting your specific city name – but even a nearby city will work. For example if you live in Santa Monica (which is a beach city near Los Angeles) then use Santa Monica or Los Angeles. However, if you use Antarctica (and don’t actually live there) then my next suggestion will not work.

On to the next step. Along the top of the site you will see a link for “Events” – click on it. Under “Upcoming Events” you will notice three tabs. “Friends RSVPed to”, “Near Me”, and “All Events”. If you are brand new to the site, chances are you don’t have any (or many) friends on your friends list yet, so that tab won’t offer much. The “All Events” tab will be overwhelming and probably take you a while to scroll through, however, if you posted a fake city this will be your option. So that leaves you with the “Near Me” tab. Click it! You will probably have to get through the first few pages of events that recently happened before you get to the current date. Then look at each event listed for the dates coming up that you have some free time. My opinion is that you focus on finding a class first. Starting with classes accomplishes a few things – you learn something regardless of current interests, you meet people in a non-pressure environment, and if you are on the shy side there is less expectation of socialization. So find a class on any topic that works for your schedule and GO!

(*If you are in the Los Angeles area I know a wonderful BDSM 101 Series at Sanctuary you can attend every Monday at 8pm – wink wink.)

My first class was on singletails (a.k.a whips). Was I interested in singletails? Nope. Did they, in fact, terrify me? Yep. I went anyway because I figured I would meet other people who were active in the scene and possibly learn something – or at least have fun watching the demo. Sure enough, all of those things happened. There was no pressure to play (because it wasn’t a party), going alone wasn’t awkward, and even though I am very social and extroverted, there was more focus on the class and presenter, which was nice given my newbie status.

Once you’re at the class be sure to approach either the instructor (after the class is finished) or another classmate that looks friendly and let them know you’re new and wondering what other classes or munches are coming up. Ask if they will be there – then you will have a familiar face to look for.

Go to more classes, start attending munches. Munches are just where a group of kinksters get together in a vanilla setting (usually a restaurant) to eat and socialize. Let people know you’re new and looking for friends and other events. Once you are ready to attend a play party you will have met lots of people and started to create a friends list. You will have people to reach out to and to look for and talk to at events.

I know you may be anxious to start playing and/or finding a partner. However, my advice is to slow it down and take your time. Get to know the scene and the people in it. Get a feel for who is experienced in the type of play you want to try, who you can trust, etc. I know it can be overwhelming and scary at first – and your experience will differ depending on how big your local scene is – but enjoy the process. View it as an adventure to be explored!

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Jenn: My First Class in the BDSM Scene

May 1, 2017 By Jenn Masri 1 Comment

So one reason I started my weekly BDSM 101 class series is that when I entered the scene I couldn’t find something similar. My intro was thru a friend of a friend who pointed me in the direction of Fetlife. I was going through a divorce, was in my early 30’s and had two young children. I didn’t know anyone in the community – nobody to show me around or introduce me to people. I remember learning to navigate through Fetlife and trying to find any classes or socials (aka munches) that I could find and could get out to. As luck (?) would have it I stumbled upon a class that was offered at a time I could go. It was a class on singletails. (Now do you understand why I use the term “luck” loosely? lol) Keep in mind I just wanted to get out and start exploring – I didn’t really care what the topic was. I hadn’t come across any 101 or beginners classes that were being taught that week. So I decided to go.

The class was being held at Threshold. Funny story – I had already been to Threshold, just had never gone inside. I had driven there for a party but didn’t realize where the entrance was and ended up (after attempting the wrong door) going home. I believe this was before they added the giant “T” to the door, however, I’m not even sure I drove far enough in to see it regardless. For the class I somehow figured it out and went inside.

It was a smaller class – maybe 6-8 people plus the instructor. Unfortunately I can’t remember the instructor’s name. A handful of people seemed to be familiar with the topic, whips in hand, and comfortable in their chairs as we waited for class to begin. I sat next to a young man who seemed to be as equally terrified as I was. For most of the class I sat there, wide-eyed, as I watched the instructor demonstrate how to use the whip to simply catch the bottom’s hair. All the while trying to avoid eye contact with him so that I wasn’t called upon to volunteer. I’m sure he went over other exercises but much of it is a blur now. Until he got to the end of the class and started demonstrating “wrapping”. The only thing I could compare it to was the thought of Indiana Jones throwing his whip to wrap up an enemy and take them down. He asked for a volunteer to demo this “wrapping” technique. Crap – he was looking in our direction, so I did what any kind and thoughtful person would do and nudged the other newbie and encouraged him to volunteer! Lol I told him he had to tell me if it hurt. He agreed to go up. The instructor told him to hold his arms out and wrapped each of his arms. He came back to his seat and assured me there was absolutely no pain. Ok – be brave Jenn – I volunteered to give it a go.

I walked to the center of the room. I was asked to put my arms out to the side just like my new friend before me. He threw the whip and I think I closed my eyes and winced until I realized the whip circled my arms without an ounce of pain. What?! So he asked if he could do it again, but this time around my waist. Sure – I mean no biggie now right? This doesn’t hurt at all! So, with my arms still outstretched to the side, he crouched a little and threw the whip from more of a side angle. It wrapped a couple times around my waist. Then he did something I did not expect. He used the whip that was around me to pull me towards him. Holy moly. I’m sure I blushed. It was so hot! Trust me, it was not the instructor that made it hot (sorry whoever it was!) – it was the entire action of being wrapped up and controlled by this implement that had seemed so scary!

After the instructional part of class was over they set up stations with plastic sheets on the floor and lit candles. Those that were more advanced practiced putting the candles out with their whips. That was amazing and super impressive to sit back and watch.

There were a couple lessons I took away from that first class experience. One, going to classes, no matter the topic, will expose you to new knowledge as well as new people. This is why I encourage the newbies I meet to take any classes they can (mine or others). I remain friends with a couple people that were in that singletail class. Not “terrified dude” – not sure whatever happened to him. Two, implements (any implement) can be used from light to heavy and in so many different ways. I teach in my classes that it’s not the implement you should be concerned with. It’s the person using it – their skill level and intention. To this day the singletail is not at the top of my favorites list – I much prefer thuddy toys. However, I also know that in the right hands it doesn’t have to be scary.

So thank you, nameless instructor man, for the lessons I walked away with that day. I may not remember your name, but I remember the experience.

Kink Weekly Launch Party – tickets on sale now

April 18, 2017 By Dexx 7 Comments

GET TICKETS HERE

We are very excited to tell you that we will be hosting an official Kink Weekly Launch Party on June 10, 2017, in our hometown of Los Angeles, California.

While we have been online for a little over a year now, we have recently achieved some great milestones in our readership and want to celebrate this with a unique BDSM event for our writers, photographers, models and kinky friends.

This will be a very special event, with an intimate feel and we would love to share it with our fantastic readers – you! As such, a limited number of tickets will be available for purchase online. Come along and get kinky with Dexx, anniebear, Baadmaster, Jenn and all of our other kinky contributors and models.

We have partnered with the one and only Lovely Fate Events to produce the event. If you didn’t get a chance to read Laila’s recent review of a Lovely Fate evening, check it out here.

This will be a very special evening – a play party like no other, with unique interactive entertainment and a sensual, electric atmosphere for your own awesome scenes. We hope to see some of you there!

Special guests joining us include:
Mistress Lucy Khan
Princess Marx
Plus Arcane, Slave Daphne, Hudsy Hawn, Goddess Fae, Crocoduck, Rope Daddy and more.

GET TICKETS HERE.

*If you are an experienced Dom / Top and would like to do a featured play scene that is particularly unique, interesting or creative, contact us to find out about discounted tickets (limited availability).

*If you are a sub / bottom of any experience level and are interested in participating in a featured play scene with an experienced Top (scene to be negotiated in advance), contact us to find out about discounted tickets (limited availability)

Dexx interviews Jenn Masri

December 5, 2016 By Dexx 3 Comments

Get to know our regular contributor Jenn Masri by reading this interview!

Dexx: You’ve been a pro switch and you’re a kink aware therapist. But for many in the LA kink community, you’re perhaps best known as the friendly face guiding them into the world of kink as the teacher of your BDSM 101 class series, which you’ve been doing for about a year and a half. What inspired you to start teaching the classes?

Jenn: Well a couple of things. As a newbie, when I came into the scene, I had no idea where to start, or what to do, or what mistakes I might make. I came in un-partnered, and not knowing anybody. And I really had wished that there had been a series that was very fundamental – just first baby steps. And I didn’t really find anything like that. The only 101 type classes that I knew of were either offered sporadically, on a certain topic typically or there was this series at the Lair – but it goes just slightly beyond the fundamentals and isn’t a weekly class. So I wanted something that everybody could join as soon as they came into the scene, at any time. And really be the first steps. I mean even getting people before they get on Fetlife – I get a lot of that too.

The other part of it was… the last pro session I had as a switch, I was trying to teach about 20 vanilla women everything I could in an hour. And I realized I had so much more I wanted to explain – they had so many questions – that combined with my experience coming into the scene, I decided to go ahead and create something and that was was sort of the push, and I realized I love to teach, to create my own curriculum and series, and see if it took off.

And it seems like it has been taking off?

Yeah, it’s successful, and it’s my baby, so I’m very very proud of it.

What do you cover in your classes?

First class is – like I said it’s so fundamental – it’s definitions – defining the most common terms. Whether it’s terms that are exclusive to the scene, or terms that are used in the vanilla world that mean a little bit different things in our community. So defining terms, orientations, roles, and then common terms that they will hear if they go out, or that they’ll see on Fetlife.

Second class is on safety. This was actually the first class I came up with on the curriculum. Because I felt like it was the most important. And what I wished I’d had when I started. So many of the safety classes in the scene have to do with physical safety in play, and I go over some of that. But I also go over red flags in terms of meeting people in the scene, because that’s where I felt like I could have used help when I first came in. You know – do’s and don’ts in terms of staying safe when you’re out there dating, or trying to meet play partners, or long term partners. Things to look out for. And again – not just for submissive, or s-types, but also for Doms. Because there are red flags on both sides, for sure.

Third class is the toy and play demo – which is definitely one of the more popular of the classes. I have a live demo bottom for this one, and pretty much go through any starter impact toy. Talk about different types of play. I mention, but I don’t show, edge play – because it’s a 101 class, I don’t want people to see a two minutes demo and think they know what they’re doing when it comes to stuff that’s more dangerous. So it’s basically a sampling of stuff that newbies can pick up relatively quickly, so that they can see what they’re interested in, and go out and find other classes that are specific to those types of play, or those types of implements, and learn more.

My fourth class is defining D/s relationships. This one I was kind of back and forth on including, because so many newbies come in and they’re focused on physical play, and a lot of people in the mainstream don’t even realize that there can be an entire relationship dynamic that we have. That’s not to say you have to have it – you can just play of course. But I felt like it was important to go over the types of dynamics that are out there, because even if somebody comes in and just wants to play and has no interest in a D/s relationship, they’re gonna meet people that are. So if somebody says this is my Master, or whatever, you can have a basic idea of the concept they’re referring to. And of course some people do come in a dynamic, and what to explore more of that.

What does a typical person attending one of your classes look like?

I would say 95% newbies. Sometimes I’ll get people who aren’t even on Fetlife, and have no idea what that is – they maybe found me through Google or Sanctuary’s web site. So some people are really really new. But most of them, you know they’ve joined Fetlife, but they haven’t really gone to many events, maybe one, usually none. And they want to start getting into things. Occasionally I’ll get people that have been in the scene, or I’ll get people that come to my classes as a newbie, and then they just keep on coming back!

Sometimes I’ve had people ask me, “is it ok for a single male to come?” And of course the answer is yes – this is a class. I get the whole gamut – I get single people, I get couples, I get all different orientations.

Once people complete the class series, do you then typically see them becoming pretty active members of the kink community?

I do. Actually it’s been interesting, because I’ve become friends with a lot of the people that come through my classes. And I’ll see them at parties, or I’ll see them active on Fetlife, or going to other classes. Sometimes people will get really excited and report back to me – “I went to this” or “I tried that”. And that’s great, you know – that’s the whole point. I usually do see people get more active, and that’s why I also try to include suggestions in class about where to go and which events to check out.

It must be very rewarding when you hear about people’s positive experiences since doing your classes. Do you ever have people come back and tell you about negative experiences that they’ve had?

It’s not very often that I get that. Usually I’ll get people who will come in and they’ll have had a negative experience already, and wished they would have taken the classes before. I have had that. Because of the safety class – the red flags and all that – I’ve had people come back and say “thank goodness I took that class” because I stepped into this scenario right after and I knew because of the discussion that it was a red flag. So… that’s awesome.

So I want to change topic a little, and talk about you. When did you first realize that you were kinky?

[Laughs] I was a late bloomer. It was really after my divorce. And just getting into the dating scene, and meeting different people – so it was in my 30’s.

I often hear people say that they feel like they were born kinky, and they always knew they were kinky, and maybe it just took them a while to figure out what they meant, and to embrace it and actually get into it. Not the case for you?

Yeah… there were maybe certain indicators that I would not have recognized until I got into the scene. And I’ll just leave it at that…

Alright, fair enough. And so then how did you first discover and get into the BDSM community itself?

I was dating somebody that I had met online. The whole online dating thing was brand new to me. I was dating someone who was totally vanilla, and it just so happened that his ex girlfriend was in the scene. He basically referred me to her when he realized I had interests in that area, and connected me with her on Facebook. She introduced me to Fetlife. I joined it, and just started showing up at whatever classes or munches I could put on my calendar – just kind of jumped in.

Tell me about the first time you went to a play party.

Hmm, let me think, it was a spanko party. It was actually at Dragons Gate and I was so nervous that I called a friend of mine to come out to the parking lot to walk in with me, because I was worried that I wasn’t dressed the right way.

I think that’s something a lot of people can really relate to going to their first play party.

Yeah, absolutely and that’s the reason why I tell people in my class, if I’m going to an event and you want to go, let me know. That way at least you’ll know somebody there. It is nerve wracking to go to your first play party. And I’m totally extroverted so I can only imagine for somebody who’s not as outgoing how nervous they would be.

So yeah… but, I made it inside my first party and it was all fine from there.

So switching to your therapist hat, what are some of the common themes of issues that kinky people might face that are different to those that vanilla people deal with?

A lot of the issues boil down to the same. A lot of the issues are the same individual or relationship issues that I see in the vanilla world. The differences are… I see people where one person is interested in the scene and the other isn’t or D/s issues like how to go from a vanilla relationship and incorporate D/s. Or poly scenarios – people dealing with poly dynamics that maybe it’s a first for them, and dealing with everything that comes along with that, even though the issues themselves breakdown to very similar ones as you’d get in any other relationship.

Modern society often isn’t particularly encouraging of a woman being submissive or a man being dominant – just as a couple of examples. It can seem to run counter to feminism and gender equality. Do you think that feminism can be compatible with BDSM concepts like submission?

Absolutely, because the true nature of feminism is for women to have the right to choose how to live their life, right? If somebody chooses and feels comfortable in the position of a submissive than why not? If somebody says well that’s not ok because that’s not how we want to see a woman be, well that’s no longer feminism.

It’s great hearing you explain it like that and I think for some people it can take a while to get their head around that concept. Do you think though that there are people out there that have either dominant desires or submissive desires that feel shameful about them and so don’t explore them?

I know there are, absolutely. If we feel pressure by society to suppress sides of ourselves then it can turn into shame. I think one part of this community that is fabulous is helping the people that do reach out and do come to the “dark side” to realize that that side of them is not necessarily horrible, they just needed to meet partners and people that accepted that side and actually balance that side, and so that they can come to accept and love that side of themselves.

I’ve heard it mentioned a couple of times in the community that they’ve noticed that kinky people tend to be quite intelligent people so I’m curious to know if you have any thoughts on whether there is some kind if correlation between intelligence and the predisposition towards kink.

(laughs) I think you have the whole gamut like you do in mainstream. I think in terms of traditional intelligence, I don’t know if there’s a difference – I’ve not researched that. I do think you probably get a lot more people who are open minded and that may cross over into other areas. So perhaps that’s where the correlation lies. Somebody who’s more open minded to sexuality or relationship dynamics might also be more open minded to other concepts in regards to other topics and so, therefore, maybe they’re willing to take in more ideas and debate and research. I don’t know, I’m throwing out a guess off the top of my head on that one.

So in any discussion of kink and culture it seems impossible to avoid bringing up 50 shades of grey, which of course has been quite polarizing within the community. But what impact do you think its popularity has had on the kink community.

I don’t go to one extreme or the other – I think there are pros and cons. I’ll go with the cons first. I read all of them, because I felt, given my position and my classes, that I needed to read them and know if I was to speak to them that I would be coming from a place of knowledge. (Sighs) I did not enjoy the writing. I’m a reader and I’ve never been one to read romance novels and things like that. The writing itself I thought was pretty subpar. I’m trying to be nice. And you know, the bdsm stuff, for somebody that’s is in the scene, it got a little repetitive, a little bit boring. Although for mainstream people reading it I could see where it could be very titillating, very exciting, if its something they’ve never experienced. One major concern was people taking stuff from the book, and not being in the scene, and not going to classes and just going out and trying stuff and having things happen, having accidents, or people getting hurt and then them looking at our community and thinking “oh, well they’re a bunch of irresponsible people that hurt each other” – not realizing that we’re all about education. And the representation of it being so far off from reality, and hoping that people take it as it was which is fiction.

On the plus side it did bring it more into mainstream, it made it a topic of conversation. And for me personally it was actually something that I used to come out to my mom about being in the lifestyle. I don’t know if she’d want me to say this – she was reading it… but you know the fact that it was out there and mainstream and people were talking about it, I was able to use that to say “so you know this book, well that’s kind of my life.” Now I had to explain beyond that because obviously the books don’t represent the real life. But it was my sort of segue into having that conversation.

One aspect of 50 shades which I have heard disparaged by some people in the community is that the character of Christian Grey is portrayed as being interested in BDSM because he had this horrific abuse-ridden childhood. In your experience, is being kinky typically linked to these types of childhood events, or are they unrelated?

That was actually one of my biggest problems with the books, having read all of them, because I don’t think you get so much of that just reading the first one. But if you read the whole series that was one of my biggest issues, that it made it seem like he was in this because of the messed up childhood and that the way he ended up becoming happy was actually by becoming more vanilla… to “fix” him. That pissed me off. I did not like that at all. Because yes, while there are people that are in the scene maybe due to things that happened in their childhood, I certainly know that that’s not everybody and I think that it’s perpetuating that stereotype that it is everybody. That if you’re into kink you must have been molested as a child or abused as a child and that’s simply not true. Can it be true? Absolutely. But it can be true for somebody that is vanilla as well.

Do you think that BDSM is becoming more accepted by mainstream society and do you think that kinksters today have a legitimate fear of being outed or kink shamed?

I think because of things like 50 shades, again there are some positives to that. And it’s not just 50 shades, somebody was pointing out the other day that there are so many TV shows now that incorporate bdsm and kink.

True Blood is full of it!

(laughs) …yes but even, you know, crime shows and regular dramas and things like that. It might just be a two second scene but there’s a lot more of it out there in mainstream society and media. And I think it does open up the mainstream society to becoming more accepting. We still have a while to go – it’s baby steps – just like with anything else. Just like with women’s rights and LGBT issues and all of these things. I mean you look at Caitlyn Jenner and that whole story and that will be another baby step for the transgender community. But absolutely if people feel like their families or their jobs are at stake i think it’s sad that that’s the case because i feel like it’s your personal life. But yes, some people are worried about that. I get it and I understand it and it’s why we have so many things in place to protect people’s identity. My personal opinion is it sucks that people have to worry about it. Like nobody would want to have to be worried about being fired because they really enjoy horseback riding. It’s your personal life. So I think it’s sad but at the same time it is slowly becoming more accepted.

Do you ever run into your therapy clients at play parties? And is that awkward?

I do. It is a conversation in our first session. I let them know just like I let vanilla clients know before I was even in the scene, “look… I may run into you”. I live where I work. I might run into you at the movie theater. I might run into you, in this case, at a party, or a munch. “Do you think that’s going to be an issue?”, is the first part of it and they generally say that’s not a big deal. My second part of that is “OK, if it happens and if there are any feelings about it or awkwardness or you or I feel like it’s affecting our work then we’ll have a discussion about it.” But it’s something I do bring up mostly just to prepare people in the very first session so that they understand that that could happen. I also explain just like with vanilla clients that their confidentiality is theirs to break. I will never run up to them and talk about our last session or whatever and have someone else ask how I know them and say they’re in therapy with me! I’m never gonna break that confidentiality. If they break it that’s on them. But that’s one nice thing about my classes is that it’s also very easy to just say they took my class. So I do go over that one. I can’t claim to be a therapist that is active in the scene if I’m too worried to go out, right?

Dexx Interviews Orpheus Black

May 24, 2016 By Dexx 4 Comments

Dexx: Mr. Orpheus Black. You’re a BDSM educator, Pro Dom, lifestyle speaker, adult video star; you seem to have your hand in a lot of different projects. I read one of your quotes, “I only started doing bondage after a guy told me I was too old to start doing bondage and be really good.” So I’m curious to know… how old were you when you first started with BDSM and how did you become involved in the community?

Orpheus: I started BDSM when I was about twenty two. I was going to school for paraphilia and a teacher asked me, “how could you actually try and delve into that field without having any frame of reference knowledge? Why don’t you go out, get some experience in paraphilia, fetish, kink, BDSM and then come back.” That was one of my motivators and unfortunately I never went back. That was my first foray into committing to this lifestyle. I also had a girlfriend who I was in a poly relationship with for five years. She left me for a Dom and I’m thinking, who is this guy “Dom” and when I see him I’m going to kick his butt! (Laughs).

She left, moved to a different state, took my stepson with her and then came back and said that didn’t work, but you need to know what this lifestyle is about. She walked me to a dungeon for the first time and I had my powder blue sweat suit on and the Georgetown visor, total hip hop moment and we walk into a Goth/industrial club and I swear the whole party just stopped. This big black guy and his girl in the matching blue outfit coming in. I saw everything there. I saw people being choked and the guy who would become my mentor, Sir Nik in high heels, lipstick, and mohawk wearing a skirt and he’s choking this girl out who’s tied to a crucifix. Just going at it and I was like, yea I could do this, this is me I’m home. That was how I actually walked through the door.

It seems like you’ve come a long way since then. You were named the Southwest Master/slave titleholder for 2016?

That’s correct!

What is that, and how did you come to be awarded?

The Master/Slave titles started off as a leather title and grew to encompass all that embraced the M/s lifestyle. The idea is that they want to pick someone who has the education and background to be able to go out and speak on Master/slave relationships. I’ve been with my wife and slave for twenty one years, and we live in an M/s lifestyle. But we’ve had to go through every facet of it as Dominant and submissive, Top and bottom all the way up to trying to accept the title as African Americans, “Master and slave.” We had to go through that whole cathartic process, going public and transforming our lives around this. Southwest Leather Conference as well as the SoCal Leather title felt that we were able to represent that as a couple and wanted us to go out and teach the practices. That’s what we do.

You touched on an interesting point. How do you think issues of race and ethnicity factor into people’s journey into BDSM?

That’s a good one. Depending on what your nationality is and your relationship dynamic it can be either a wonderful thing or a horrible thing. When I first entered this lifestyle, I was one of two black guys in a Goth club doing BDSM with a black woman. Immediately we started getting racial comments. “Her butt is obscene, we don’t want to see N-words doing this, that and the other. What has this community come to when we let N-words in here to do this type of thing.” It was at that moment that I said “I’m not going to let these people bully me off of the stage. I’m not going to let them curb how I play.”

For a while, my wife and I -and one other black person – we were the black community. We were the only people out and proud and as I started taking more photos and doing things more publicly, I started getting information from other black people who said, “I thought I was the only one, I thought I was alone” or “something was not normal with me.” That isolation that we feel as sexual minorities translates horribly into a social disorder, it translates into emotional disorders and some people even commit suicide depending on their level of sexual minority. For example, African Americans have the lowest rate of suicide in the country but as soon as they become a sexual minority, they have the highest rate. So that in and of itself should tell you how hard it is to acclimate as a sexual being as an African American. So that’s a really, really hard thing.

In the industry of sex it’s is a very racial battle ground because if you’ve ever been to a sex shop and you look at the walls, they have porn that’s boy girl and then there’s the black section. It doesn’t matter what you’re doing in it, as long as it’s black on black it’s niche, it’s nuanced. Why is the sex partitioned? So that tells you that black sexuality is a taboo. In BDSM, it becomes even harder because we’re a sub group of that niche community. To give you an example, one of the things I created was a little social experiment. I go to people and say “I want you to imagine the freakiest thing, the hottest kinkiest fantasy. Do you have it in your head? Ok, what nationality are they?” White guys would say white girl, blonde or red hair, etc. I’d ask black people and they would say the same thing. And I say, how come you can’t even see yourself in your sexual kinky fantasy? It’s because we have no frame of reference. It’s never been normalized and if you look at it from a historical standpoint, African Americans didn’t get the opportunity to say who they were as sexual beings until recently. So you get here around the 1500s and you’re just surviving, you’re acclimating after that. The next generations are accepting their role, and being defined by whatever society is doing and then you get into the next few generations and people are trying to find freedom, and then the next ones you’re trying to find a job because you’ve been released, and the next one is civil rights but when do we get a chance to say who am I as a man and who are you as a woman? So what we’ve done is kind of just cobble together this sexuality of the oppressor through religion, who religion has told us we’re supposed to be, through art, television, and other mediums but when you can’t see people who look like you being diverse, when you cant see people like you engaging in the type of thing you want to engage in, you feel you need to hide and suppress it.

It seems like this is a much bigger issue than just in the BDSM community, with society at large. Encouragingly though, I’ve entered the BDSM community much more recently, and it seems like now some of the top educators and leaders now are African Americans; Sir Valentino, Kane, Master Obsidian.

Your social media is a wealth of inspirational BDSM related advice and quotes. I found a few; “BDSM is an erotic ritual that’s designed to bring two people closer together not only in a primal understanding, but in a caring and loving manner.” That speaks a lot to me personally in the lifestyle and I imagine to many other people. There are a lot of people who pay professionals for their BDSM experiences. How do you this statement applies to those types of situations where it’s less about an ongoing relationship and more of a service?

But every service is a relationship. Customer service maintains the relationship between the company and the individual. As a professional, my whole goal is to create a relationship no matter how fleeting it may be. I have to give you literally what you’re looking for, how you want it, and which way you want but I also have to supply you with what you need and that’s where it becomes an issue because you may want to feel a certain way but you may need this specific thing. When a person gets what they need there’s a type of vulnerability that goes on with it and you need to be able to be trusted, assume that you care for them and that you are acting in their best interests. That can only be done within the context of a relationship even if it is just for this moment.

You’re a regular BDSM teacher at classes around LA. I was fortunate to attend one of your spanking classes last year at The Lair. What do you think the secret is to a great spanking?

Anticipation. You don’t just jump straight into the spanking. You’ve got to take your time and deal with the whole body as opposed to just the area. I think one of the common complaints from women with big boobs and butts is that’s the first thing everybody goes for. There’s a whole plethora of other things here so let’s work with the other things first and then go to that. That can get you into trouble with consent; “You said you were going to spank me but you did all these other things.” So if you’re going to give a good spanking, not a disciplinary spanking you have to know what it is you want to do convey that to your partner and then stick within the guidelines.

But to me without all of the other constraints, being able to say I’m going to enjoy every moment of this, and you, and then I’ll choose to hyper focus on one area, that’s really the key to pretty much anything.

One of your classes that you’re teaching here at DomCon and elsewhere is about bondage and meditation. What is the premise of the class?

The premise of the class is not to teach people how to tie, but to teach people how to connect. I think what’s lost in BDSM is the difference between touch and connection. Touch is something I do to you, connection is something I do with you. In this space we do too much acting on the other person. I hit you, I do this to you, I’m touching your body. But how often do we get a chance to really perceive our partner, to really embrace ourselves? To create a moment that is all about them, and their experience and taking them out of the world that they live in, the rat race, the job, the kids, all the other shit that they normally can’t shake.

As a Dominant I have to be able to give them that freedom to be in that space because they have a lot of things that they need to metabolize. There’re a lot of things that they need to work through. By giving them these moments to just sit and be in their nature, I think its just easier for them to reconnect with who they are and the person that we fell in love with. So that’s what I’m trying to do when we do this meditative bondage. It’s not about suspending and how cute my tie is, its about providing containment for another individual and holding space so they can either release whatever they’ve been holding or just let go of themselves.

It sounds fascinating. And I guess, spirituality as it relates to sex and BDSM seems to be a theme of some of your teachings and musings. Do you see that there is an intersection between BDSM and spirituality?

Yes. I wish it was more common and that it wouldn’t even be a question. So one of the things I try to reference is a play by Ovid called Pyramus and Thisbe and in the book it pretty much is Romeo and Juliet but these two kids fall in love through this hole in a wall. They can just see each other and listen to each other through this wall and its an analogy about how we live our lives now. Everyone puts these walls up and we only give just enough room to hear the other person or just enough to look through these walls, but the wall is still up. They avoid true deep meaningful connection. But that wall is literally ego. You’re afraid. Any time you make a decision out of fear it’s the wrong decision. What we need to do and what I’m hoping these conversations about spirituality do is allow a person to be vulnerable. We need to start loving and caring. The self doesn’t get thirsty or hungry, you can’t make love to it or beat it. The self requires care and concern, tenderness, safety. Those are things you can’t provide for yourself. The self needs another person to provide it.

Do you think that for Dominants in BDSM it can be particularly difficult to show that true vulnerability, when at the same time they’re trying to present themselves as decisive, capable and strong to appeal to submissives who are looking for that aspect as well?

And that’s the problem. That’s ego! It’s for both people. Because if she cant accept you as being vulnerable, what happens the moment she sees you cry. If you’re worried about her leaving you when you’re in an emotionally vulnerable part, she can’t see all of you. She is not the person that you need to be with anyway. You have to let go of all of the ego that’s involved and just be you. I don’t need them to fall in love with Orpheus. I need them to be in love with Ron Neal. If they’re too attached to the labels or roles and not the individual then its nothing.

To me a slave will do anything you want, including walk away from this if that’s what the master wants. If I say I don’t want to be kinky anymore I’m going to go be vanilla, I’m pretty sure my wife would be right there with me being vanilla, she’d be a soccer mom baking cookies on the weekend. That’s real connection and that’s what we’re all looking for. I hope that in these conversations, I try to express myself in an open and vulnerable way to encourage other Dominants to be open and vulnerable as well because it’s a lonely place being a Dominant. It’s like being middle management, (laughs) the boss doesn’t want to talk to you and the workers won’t talk to you and you’re just stuck there in the middle with your own problems. A good Dominant creates emotional protocols for himself. He tells his, When I’m breaking down this is how I need to be talked to or held, this is how I need to metabolize the feelings I’m going through, this is how you’re going to help me get through these moments. That’s honest, that’s transparent and if you can do it, they can do it.

I noticed you’re doing a class called Black Tie Bondage and Fireplay. Sounds fascinating, what’s that all about?

I have a penchant for inventing things that I need and bondage wasn’t providing me with a method for doing fireplay and bondage. So what we had to do was create a way of being able to make a safety protocol that would enable all the rope to come off in the event that the rope caught fire. So what I did was invent a way of creating a quick release and that quick release, you pull it-everything comes loose. But we also found that people were more inclined to do Black Tie Bondage because they could released instantly. The idea is if it takes ten minutes to put someone in [to bondage], it takes ten minutes to pull them out but if they’re panicking, that ten minutes is the longest ten minutes of their life. So we’ve been able to use it in other methods. I’m teaching this to people as a way of a safer method of tying someone for the first time, like an introduction to bondage. Then fireplay as well.

And aside from teaching classes, you also do private coaching for individuals and couples who are interested in learning more?

Yes. That is the thing that I love to do most. Working with people, specifically couples who are looking to grow closer together as a unit. When I came into this I had my partner and she was everything to me. She was my bottom, my sub and she learned right next to me and we grew together. I think in that way we match each other’s expectations. Any time I see a couple who wants to start this journey together I think that really, really says something to me, it encourages me to want to work with them closer. Because a person is humble enough to say, I don’t know how to do these things but I want to learn and the other person is humble enough to say if it means that much to you I’ll be there with you.

It sounds like it’s a form of relationship guidance. Do you incorporate practical teaching as part of that? How to use implements, toys and such?

Yes, we do an intake, we find out what they want to do, what they’re interested in exploring, why they want to explore it, how each of them feels about this process and then we go into specifically into what they want to do. So if they want to go into an M/s dynamic, we talk about protocols, rituals, and how to do it We’ll talk about the best way to use safe words, negotiation, even in the context of their relationship. We’ll create a language around what they’re doing because it’s one thing to say I want to flog. You hear flogging and we start interpreting your own ideas. I might think rubber with spikes. You might think bunny floggers. And then we get into the implements. I’m always there to follow up too. I include a phone call or a Skype to see how they’re doing and if they have additional questions.

I saw that you’ve done shoots with some of the kink.com sites. How did you enjoy those experiences?

(Laughs) Kink.com was awesome. I was provided with the opportunity to run through the castle. It was great. I shot on a Friday, I left Sunday and I was there pretty much by myself. I had the whole damn place to myself. And I went to every room. I ran through the whole place. I saw all of the sets. It was absolutely wonderful. I think anybody who’s in this industry wants to shoot with them. They are like the playboy of our industry.

Do you think that BDSM porn is a positive influence in terms of people’s education about real BDSM?

It depends on how you frame it. People have this opinion that porn doesn’t represent real sex and sexuality. Well, yes it does, it just doesn’t represent what you envision real sex and sexuality to be. That being said, BDSM in porn is done at such a high level it’s very hard to emulate. Also because we don’t see all the safety measures, all the negotiation, all the things that are done behind the scenes, some people may feel motivated to try and do this without a staff. Or they may do it without realizing that this one woman has done this ten times for different people and they just change her hair. So BDSM porn is good and bad because it can introduce you into something that you didn’t know existed and you’ll investigate it but for those who just don’t want to get any education and just want to attempt what they see on TV, I think that becomes a problem. I would really love to see Kink do a behind the scenes.

All of the preparation that goes into it.

Like, we’re behind the scenes with Katie Morgan and they just finished their negotiation and this is the guy who’s going to rig her up. For the people who are looking for that to really round down expectations and if they ever need anybody to do it, I want to do it! So that people say, “oh, they’re fucking in a barbershop” but it’s actually a set. You actually can’t do this in real life.

I noticed you had a couple of comments relating to depression on your Twitter. Do you think that there’s an intersection between those in the BDSM community and depression?

Yes. BDSM is just a cross section of society. Someone took a chunk out of the Venn diagram of America, or whatever country you’re from, and then pulled it into a small section. So we have suicidal people, homicidal people, idiots and geniuses but the thing that we have to all acknowledge is that mental health is a big factor in what we do. Its one of the biggest red flags that we can see if we know how to diagnose it. If we have subs that we’re responsible for and they suffer from depression, that may be a problem. They may go through depression with you and have never gone through it before. They may be horrible by themselves and not with other people.

I personally suffer from depression. It was something that took me a long time to admit to myself. Depression and anxiety; so I personally try to write only about what I go through. When I post something about depression it’s my personal issue I feel at that moment. It’s really important to sit and talk to people about what you’re going through because someone else may be going through it too. Aside from mental illness, that I’m aware of we’ve probably had three people that commit suicide in our community a year. I think if you look at it as a microcosm, and you say how many people are kinky versus how many people are committing suicide, the percentage would be enough to cause some alarm but because we’re not as connected as we should be and no one’s looking at it because its kind of like the bastard of our kinky house, it’s something that we just let go. If they’re a result of depression I don’t know, if it’s a result of someone who is just mad, I don’t know but it’s very important that someone look into it.

Yes, it appears to be a sad reality of the community.

You shot an episode of Undercover for Playboy TV recently. Are you able to talk about that?

Yes! So Undercover with Kate Quigly is a show where she goes out and meets people doing all kinds of sexual acts that are outside of the norm. She interviewed me and she engaged in a little fire play with me, just a taste and then we bring in other people who are capable of going deeper and further. From what I understand, the fireplay was an awesome segment. The knife play is supposed to look really great too.

It seems like there’s been a general proliferation in recent times of kink coming into more mainstream media.

Right, it is. I like to say it’s the normalization of our darker sexuality. People think kink is like rubber and hoods but I’ll ask a woman, “have you ever been spanked in bed before” and they say “yeah but that’s not kinky”. (Laughs) Why is it not kinky? I’ll say “has anybody ever sucked your toes” and they say “yeah but that’s not kinky.” Then what do you call spanking and foot fetish? I think everybody has been somebody’s bitch at some point in time. We’re so into this person and they could have told us to do anything and we would have done anything for them. What’s the difference between that and being in service to someone? If we really want to expose kink to the world, we have to reframe the way it looks, normalize the verbiage, and stop using the coded language that we do in order to seem sexually superior to everyone else. Because what vanilla has that kink doesn’t is the relationship component. We downplay the relationship component to the point that it seems to be nonexistent, but at the core of any interaction there’s a relationship there.

Ok, and do you think that will start to happen in terms of the verbiage evolving?

I hope so because I need new customers. (Laughs) There’re always going to be jerks. The people who perceive themselves at the top want to stay there so if they don’t have this language to use then anyone can do what they do. Anyone can say “oh you mean this, in the vanilla context that’s what this could mean. So I could technically teach your class to the vanilla people you know and cut you out? I can do that.” And it does happen. We use this coded language to protect our position in the community, it’s just an inherent fear of social and financial obsolescence. I think if you’re gong to die out just die out. It’s going to happen to me, it’s going to happen to everyone in this community. But we’re not doing anyone any good if we’re trying to hold these spots and reserve them for us. Everyone is regurgitating everyone else’s information so I hope that we start seeing more open arms, less cliquish behavior, more reaching out into the vanilla community and a general acceptance for all the people who want to be a part of this.

Some of your posts touch on the psychology of submission, one that particularly stands out: “Dominants must remember that no one can punish a loving submissive as much as she can punish herself.” I think that can resonate with a lot of submissives including anniebear, my sub. How did you get such an insight into the psychology of what’s happening on the other side?

So I told a sub to put her hands on the table and bend over [to punish her] and she broke down crying. She said, I’m so sorry, I’ve been thinking about this all day I know I was wrong. I couldn’t punish her on top of that. And then I started approaching the psychology of it because there’s a perfectionist in every sub. They don’t want to be coached, they want to do everything right, right off the bat and when they don’t they let down themselves. And then they beat themselves up about how disappointed you’re going to be.

It’s really interesting mitigating actual punishment with allowing them to fail. Sometimes allowing them to fail is the punishment. Not creating a scenario where they fail but oh, you think you know the best way to do it? Do it and lets see and if you get it right, we found a new way to do it, if you don’t then we’ll discuss it. Those discussions have been more punishing in my opinion than anything I could really do.

At some point in time, where’s that boundary of abuse? It’s really a deterministic thing. Abuse happens in the mind of whoever is receiving the punishment. A person will only allow themselves to be punished to the extent that they feel they deserve. If they felt that they’ve punished themselves up to a point, you hitting them once could be abuse in their eyes. So in trying to extrapolate these scenarios, in my mind I’m seeing them over and over again, I realized that no one can punish them worse. Even some punishments may even make them feel repentant. They may feel free from this.

It’s almost like a means of them being able to put it behind them sort of case closed, you’ve been punished, now we can move on and not talk about it again.

Right, come down off the cross, someone else needs the wood. (Laughs)

Do you have any other projects in the works?

Yes, I’m trying to work more in the context of spirituality and my bondage and meditation classes are the flagship for that. As I said before, I’m not just teaching people how to tie but how to connect; with themselves, their partners and really using it as a metaphor for submission. In doing that, what we’re going to start training people to do this online and then those people who want to go further, we’ll offer courses on how to facilitate these actual endeavors. I’m also working on another book, my second. Right now the working title is The Tale of Nawashi and Bakushi and it’s going to be a BDSM version of the Tao of Pooh. So I created these two characters and it all about philosophy as it pertains to BDSM and bondage. It’s just my philosophies and art for a coffee table book. If I could get some guy to read this to his little, like a story time book, I’d be so happy! (Laughs)

Orpheus Black – Southwest Master/slave titleholder – is also a published author and erotic educator, specializing in hierarchical dynamics, non-monogamous relationships, and erotic meditation. This two-time Bawdy Story telling champion has been traveling the country teaching his fun and light-hearted educational events for more than a decade.

During this time, Orpheus has become one of California’s most respected educators as well as a favorite interviewee and contributor, lending his expertise to shows such as “Chocolate Radio”, “Night Calls”, “Love, Sex, and Hip Hop”, “The Sex Nerd Sandra Show”,”The Dr. Susan Block Show”, and “The Inner Circle with Neil Strauss”.

Orpheus is also a regular presenter at DomConLA and is the founder of Cirque de Sade—a high profile Dominants group whose mission is to advance the art of BDSM through a commitment to innovation, excellence, and active leadership in the D/s, Ms and fetish communities. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter.

anniebear Interviews Justin Sayne Leather

February 22, 2016 By anniebear 2 Comments

I sat down with Justin Sayne in his downtown loft during his last week in Los Angeles. He was in the midsts of packing up his shop and moving back to Arizona to continue his work.

anniebear: We’re here with Justin Sayne of Justin Sayne Leather-see what he did there (laughs). So you craft fine leather toys and accessories. You’re pretty well known for that because you use some interesting materials, that being the crocodile skin. Is that something you’ve always worked with or did you sort of happen upon that material?

Justin: I came across that material a couple of years ago at a leather convention in Prescott, AZ of all places. I saw the tales from across the room and I’m like that’s a fetish toy. I wasn’t sure how and I wasn’t sure what, I mean it was thirty yards away and there was a table of them. From great big to small and I was thinking that’s brilliant, that’s the part of the animal that nature intended to be a whip-this is on! Coincidentally when I looked at it I realized I already made single tales in the same fashion out of latigo. Pretty much the stuff they make belts out of. A couple of other toys, little slappers were pretty much the same thing the only difference was the material and exactly what to do with the material. The parts we’re using it doesn’t really matter if its alligator or crocodile because the part is about the same on both animals at that point. I generally use farmed alligators because that’s what’s available a lot. But strangely enough we’ve gotten elephant, giraffe, the list is just so vast of what the exotics are right now and what’s coming. You’ve not seen anything unless you’ve seen an elephant trunk flogger.

Do you have one?

I sold it.

(Laughs) Was the elephant ill gotten?

No no no! They’re farming them and more than that we outlawed the import of trophies so the safari trade died. That’s where all the poaching material is going to anyway. Nobody told mom nature that we were going to quit taking animals. It’s not like we were hunting only the ones-there was still a controlled hunt in Africa. The poachers were taking too many. Well elephants and giraffes breed well. Rhinoceroses not so much, I can’t get rhino. But you tell mom nature that now you need the water and food and space not all of the animals that are but all of their offspring, their not going get knocked off they’re not going to be hunted and thinned out so you just don’t turn up mom nature. Now they’re to the point where the government is paying people to come and take them. On top of the farms. That’s what happened with the lion deal. There’re so many big animals out there this country says I can get more out of this used up lion by taking this animal the other males are going to push further and reproduce even harder.

So when I ran into the alligators, there’re tons of these, there’s plenty of them but not so many that everybody is going to be able to get their fingers on it.

Do you dye the leather yourself or do they come in those colors?

They come in so many colors. Seriously, this mix up in the Middle East has done weird stuff like they’ve been raising sheep and lambs over there for a long time, they still do it by hand. And we weren’t getting a lot of the import export trade out of the
Middle East for a long time so now we’re in a situation where all of these skins have hit the market and not only has it put the Asian, American, South American markets on alert because here’s a whole new continent putting out skin and not only the skin they’re producing now but the stuff that’s stacked up over so many years. So everyone is stepping up their game. The leather is just bitchin’ right now. I can get lambskin that look like a mirror.

A mirror?

Yes, you can see yourself in them.

Do you feel like the flogger and toy market has been more saturated because of that or has it kind of just stayed steady?

Well you’re seeing some of those materials in the custom market and strangely enough its giving us the leverage to compete with the “use it once throw it away” market. Before a guy with an idea and a cute little leather toy really kind of got chuckled at when he said he was going to make a living off of this. These days it may be beans and rice it may be very fancy beans and rice.

Do you work by yourself or do you have friends or colleagues?

Up to now I’ve worked with myself. I’m starting to add others and its kind of odd. There’s a lady from Indiana I met her here [in Los Angeles]. She’s actually looking at coming to Arizona to work full time as well, between the two of us I’ve got more shop space than both of our Los Angeles places combined. Another fella has been adding some support and he’s going to be around a while. So I mean people are starting to catch on and hang on you can kind of tell you’ve got something going when people start to show up.

Right, and support.

As opposed to “hey man high fives can I get a discount”?

So how long have you been working with leather in general?

I started, what is this 2016? I started in 09-10.

Quite awhile then. Self taught?

Yes and no. I had a really good mentor, Debbie and she actually hired me-it’s a long story. She hired me on a whim. I knew nothing about leather it wasn’t even to do with leather it happened to be her show season and when I was done with what she had me do she asked me if I could model a loin cloth. And I’m like what the fuck is a loin cloth. A couple of very uncomfortable pictures later she kind of figured I was a good sport and started showing me what I was doing. The fetish stuff actually came from-it started in her shop and being a single woman with a child in a small town and a quiet leather business she decided it was too much fan for her fire so she taught me everything she could at that time and mostly; 1. Don’t ever turn down a leather worker that really needs something ever. 2. Always teach someone that’s serious about cutting leather, never say no, no matter how much you don’t like them and, 3. Don’t ever make a mistake. Ever. If you break something lay it aside and see what its good for.

Like if you make a wrong cut on something because you can always parts of it later?

Well a mistake is something you didn’t mean to do that means that its different, that there’s potential there, its just not what you need today.

That’s a really good way of looking at stuff.

You see what I mean? It’s not like tearing a piece of paper, something had to die for that. So you make a bad cut you can’t throw it away but even on the floor I just sweep it up, the little tiny pieces in the nooks and crannies. I keep as much as I possibly can. I’ll find something for it. It’s something waiting to happen. Some of my best stuff as far as I’m concerned was junk that was lying around the shop that one day I happened to be straightening up and set them together and go GASP! It happened to me the other day.

My bandana was lying on the floor. I use these for shit. They’re fun. But girls especially are familiar with a nice soft cotton bandana. My stuff is expensive, I’m looking for stuff under $100, stuff under $100 made of leather-people don’t want it. They complain it’s too expensive. You hand them something that’s worth $100 for $50 and they’re like “but this $400 one is so nice.” So it’s a struggle. So I’m sitting here thinking what about blindfolds, what about gags. If you just fold these and sew them and maybe put a leather band around them, everybody knows how to use this as a blindfold, they know how to tie it, its comfortable. Do it a little further and you’ve got a ball gag. It’s beginner stuff, its cheap but they come in all colors. Point is, I’ve had a million of these. But the one that was laying on my table, I was like, look there’s my blindfold. It’s a mistake! I took my thing off and laid it on the table.

And then the idea!

That’s where it comes from. The bulk of what I’ve got that was cool either came from a mistake or trying to right a wrong or trying to fix something I broke. Even the leather convention I was at when I found the alligator was because I made the mistake of actually buying expensive leather. I needed something cheaper. I had to go digging that up. That was the last thing Debbie taught me. Make those mistakes home runs.

Switching gears a little, it seems like you’re pretty active in the LA scene.

I wouldn’t say I’m active. I appear.

You make appearances (laughs). So you hosted the slave auction and you’ll go to the market events with your leather. Do you really go to play parties much?

No. If I’m not working it, I don’t go.

How did you get into the stuff that you go to in the community? Did you just approach people and say hey can I host or did you already know people?

When I got to do the slave auction I was new in LA. I wasn’t even sure that I was staying. I was just lingering. My problem, the issue I had with moving here-there’s business and there’s pleasure and in my situation those too things massively overlap. So my thought was don’t go into a scene (into this scene) expecting to make the money and get the women and not give back. Because that’s really what it comes down to but that’s exactly how these people are going to see it. “Who is this guy? We’ve been building this scene forever. Now he’s going to come in here and earn off of us and get the girls and giggle?” No. That ain’t nice. So before I even busted out a toy or even told anybody who I was I went to the dungeon, I paid the cover I told them what I wanted.

First time I got toys out was in private with the boss. The first time I got a toy out in LA on this trip was out of request in private. That being said, I left those toys in that private room. Went to the club I paid to hang out in. That’s the way it was for the longest time. From those conversations actually I heard about the slave auction and went and begged for the opportunity. I had to straight out explain I’m a retired auctioneer. I’ve never done a slave auction. This was just great! What can I pay, I’ll donate stuff! And they asked me to come back indefinitely as far as I know. Its really just about giving before I expected anything. That’s how its supposed to be. I just got active by just trying to pay some respect before I expected anything and I don’t know if it worked but I tried. I’m sure I got my haters.

I haven’t heard of any haters!

Oh come on, at least one or two?

Nah.

Ok…I’ll try harder.

(Laughs) How long have you been kinky either actively or just knowing it was within yourself?

My mom bought a strip club when I was fourteen. And I got to work in there

When you were fourteen?

Yup.

You really got an education.

Yea, I wouldn’t have been able to define kinky when I started cutting leather. I really thought that I was just the naughty black sheep more than anything. I worked strip clubs my whole life. Gotten out of it, got back into it. Actually paid my way to auctioneer school from selling some stock and my tips from Christies. Everything that I did in life was from what I was making at the strip club. By the time I got cutting leather I’d gotten out of all that. My son was around full time, gotten a house in the middle of nowhere, little cottage. I was done. It was actually Debbie that said the market’s down I need for my RenFair material to turn black and have a line of toys so I can just double up easily. She just simply had this theory that the closest thing to RenFair material was bondage material and she would just simply cross over. She thought it would be seamless.

So I didn’t know what a flogger was. She sent me home to figure out a line of toys and I didn’t even know the definition of flogger. You could have shown that to me and I’d have been like oh that’s tickly! Now when I finally started going to parties I realized there’s something to this and where I’m from you don’t hit girls so that was a problem. And I kind of came out of the Phoenix scene and was extremely heavy handed. So you can see that from the toys, I mean they’re brutal. And I can’t say I always knew I was kinky but I do know that the journey when I figured out what kink was on accident, there was definitely a fit there, an outlet personally I had no idea I had an artistic bone in my body. You know the whole artists label is something that I try to shun. But people keep using that word and people could be wrong but I didn’t even know that existed much less creativity. I knew I could get through my life but some of the stuff I’ve seen come off my table I never dreamed of. I didn’t know I was kinky until in the essence of the word until I found a girlfriend that made me confortable. There I was dabbling, earning, designing, providing toys for people to be kinky providing stuff kinky had never seen before and there I was, “can you show me how to use this?”

This thingy I made?

No seriously, I had a string of Doms that would handle my shit and try it out because I had zero clue and had no problems saying so! And don’t want to, go on right ahead. I really didn’t know I was kinky until I was dating this fetish model that she sat down at my table and we made her a toy. And it was a slappy and stingy on one end and had a real thuddy handle and then it had a tickly tip on the other side. And that was what she wanted. She Wanted thuddy, tickly, and stingy. And we went through the whole entire process of custom making something just for her tender little needs. And by the time it was done I was dying to use it and it worked very well. (laughs)

I saw some of your stuff in The Black Room [a fetish leather store] in Vegas. That’s pretty awesome huh?

Yea I love those guys

How long has that been going on?

Franz [the owner] has been supporting me from the jump! That guy, that scratchy old German no matter how pissed off, busy, late, that guy has been a supporter from the beginning. As far as I’m concerned, there’ll be stuff in The Black Room until The Black Room Turns white.

Yes, we actually interviewed Tara while we were in Vegas but Franz couldn’t join us.

She is phenomenal, she works her ass off.

I know they’ve been having a hell of a time in Vegas with all of the drama with the dungeon. It’s a shame.

What’s worse than that, Tara took on that whole entire place so the globe would have an accessible dungeon to come and have and they could fly straight into Vegas. Her heart is in this. If the best place to put that would have been Berlin and she’d have had that opportunity she would have went there. The fact that it’s so easy to get into Vegas from every country on Earth, and just minutes from the airport in a place that size, the fact that she would take that on. The community should have busted their ass to make sure she succeeded, there should have been zero question.

It seems the local community there isn’t unified around any one thing.

I had a club in Phoenix, I don’t know what it is but it’s a real fractured community as well. Not as much now but it was then just like Las Vegas. Somebody new coming up now we’re gonna have a place to play. It’s not that it was up against the fifty others. Here’s a place you can buy a piece of leather you can get strapped to a cross, scream as loud as you want and oh yea if you get here before ten o’clock there was a Greek restaurant in the parking lot. I’d have free night and people wouldn’t show up. Now some nights the place was packed even if it was a twenty dollar bill to get in. When it came to hey lets make sure we maintain this space no matter who’s running it, nope not even a flicker and then everyone will complain that there’s no place to go. Not like in LA where if you don’t like where you’re hanging out there’s three others within driving distance. That has nothing to do with the house parties.

What advice would you give to someone brand new just starting out?

Take advice. We all give it, you should take it. You don’t have to take it and run with it but take notes. Maybe ask around. Take that advice to a munch or a party. Spread it out a little bit, asking will fill someone else’s ears that hadn’t heard it. I mean I could give “play safe” but nobody is going to listen to that. Take advice, We all have some. And as many Domly Doms that are out there that will chuck it out for free, suck it up, take it with a grain of salt if you have to. We’ve all had experiences. We’ve all fucked up, me first. We’ve all hurt people we didn’t mean to. Don’t hang your head and be like “I didn’t know.” We’re not all super Dom or super sub. Don’t be shy about stealing advice, dip into other people’s conversation. Butt in if you have to. I don’t think there’s anything better that can be said.

Dexx Interviews Rev Mel

December 14, 2015 By Dexx 1 Comment

You’re known as the creator of TSR Network, which I believe stands for “Talking Sex Radio Network.” You’ve interviewed a lot of high profile people in the BDSM community. But today, you’re the one that’s getting interviewed. So you’ve been out of the state for a while. You were taking a break from some of the work that you’ve been doing with the insight series (a class taught at Los Angeles dungeon Lair de Sade)?

Thank you for interviewing me and yes I have interviewed some amazing people in BDSM like Jay Wiseman, Midori and Guy Baldwin. TSRnetwork was the first BDSM site on the net to focus on BDSM and education using radio and video as an education tool. We were before Fetlife and many other sites that are now out there.

Yes, I’m taking sometime off and will be traveling around the country. Have been visiting family and some wonderful friends that are into BDSM. Just taking time off of streaming live shows at the moment and just travel to all the places that I dreamed of going. Been teaching and producing live TV shows for such a long time that I need to take some time for myself.

Right, and how long have you been doing TSR Network for and what lead you to create that?

I’ve been broadcasting roughly over twelve years. I started doing a radio show called the Mel and Phil Show. It was at a time that was complicated to create. You had to record it, edit it, upload it, make an RSS feed and get it out there. It was very difficult to do and time consuming. These days it’s a little bit more simple.

Back then it was called Talking Sex Radio but I moved over to streaming live video and not doing a radio show so we the name to TSRnetwork,com. It was really important to get the message out about our live TV shows on TSR Network .

TSR was safe place for people to go and get information about BDSM because there’s a lot of misinformation out there. I believe in safe, sane, and consensual. In order to stay safe in BDSM you have to be educated. TSR is all about education and without education we would have nothing it would be chaos.

TSRNetwork is site that broadcast live talk shows that talks about education and safety and introduces you to some of the movers and shakers of the BDSM community mixed with a little humor. It’s a very interactive site with a chat-room and a blog with guest writers and such.

You mentioned that a large part of it is motivated by wanting to help educate people. I suppose there are probably quite a lot of people out there who do BDSM or other kinky things in private at home with a partner and never really feel like they need to come and attend classes or other social activities within the BDSM community. Do you think that’s OK or do you think those people should be looking to educate themselves a bit more?

I think that everyone that is interested in BDSM should educate themselves and I think there are many different avenues to do that. There’s so much information online. When I first started out quite some years ago you didn’t have all of the websites and all of the information that is out there now. In the past we had to form communities to meet in person and have a good knowledge base of this lifestyle.

Now with sites like FetLife, Collarspace and my site TSRnetwork.com as we were some of the first sites that a newbies first experience into BDSM and Kink. Basically TSRnetwork was the very first BDSM site dedicated to do live BDSM video TV shows to educate people about BDSM. TSR was a good start if you can not publicly go out into the real world and take classes or learn. I think it’s OK to get your education from the internet in the beginning. Everyone has to do what they feel is right for themselves. There’s no right or wrong in any of this. The only right thing to do is to educate yourself the best possible way for you.

Right , you said some people can’t attend public classes and are you meaning because they are not near to places where they have them or are you talking perhaps more about people who might feel that for whatever reason they cant be seen in public to attending that kind of class?

Well, I feel the reason that some people can’t attend a public class is because some are teachers, doctors or professionals. Some people have children and have to be careful that if they should get discovered then it could hurt them in someway or it could hurt their business. The reality is that BDSM it could hurt them with their employer if found out that they were into BDSM. So many of us can’t live this lifestyle in the open and so that’s one of the reasons why I created TSR Network. Another good reason is that there are some people that do not have munches or dungeons in their city and no BDSM community. In Los Angeles we are very fortunate to have so many different dungeons and places to go. We have munches every single day of the week. But, if you’re in a small peaceful little town and you don’t have a munch to go to or be around other like minded people that are into BDSM. Where are you going to find information on BDSM or Kink?

You’re going to have to search on the internet, order books, start relationships online. FetLife to me is an information site. Its not a dating site to me. It’s where you can get any sort of information that you could possibly want to know. And it’s very valuable as a community to make sure that there’s good information out there. Not only for the big cities but for the small cities that have limited access. It’s those precious people that I broadcast live TV shows for.

I had a young man who lived in Tennessee who watched every single one of my shows. He was never to a munch or dungeon. He was paraplegic and two years ago he died. It broke my heart because he was such a fan of the TSR Network and all of the shows that we were broadcasting live. We broadcast seven live shows a week at our old studio and he never missed a show. It’s people like him that I did this educational informative shows for. Myself and the other hosts truly believe that we are changing the world one vanilla at a time as education comes first.

Wow, that’s impressive.

We were his world in BDSM as he was a huge part of us and the other hosts. That’s why we did it because there are so many people that want to be involved and they cant because of their own private reasons. We have to respect that. A lot of people that go to dungeons and say we’re better than everyone else and we’re attending classes and we’re involved in a live community. I say don’t discredit people that are online. Everyone has to start somewhere. There are a lot of the people who still don’t go to dungeons or munches, but they will go off to a convention and will be able to experience things that they’ve never experienced before. There is nothing like going to a dungeon at a convention or looking at toys that you’ve only seen on a website. It’s pretty remarkable. We are a pretty remarkable community that welcomes all that think out of the box.

Do you think that it’s becoming more acceptable over time for people to be public about BDSM activities?

I think that BDSM is changing. But I think its been evolving, its evolving from the gay leather men who put a lot of our foundation down. Each time there’s a movie that comes out, it evolves a little bit more. We had The Story of O, 9 ½ Weeks, the Secretary and now Fifty Shades of Grey. So every time there’s a movie that’s out or a book, it really doesn’t change who we are but I think it changes the perspective of the outside world to us. We’re still taboo and a majority of the women that have read Fifty Shades of Gray really don’t want to know about the real lifestyle of BDSM. I have approached a few of them and say look I teach classes why don’t you come to one of my classes? They get fear in their eyes and say “Oh no, that’s weird I cant do that.” They read the books but they don’t want to make the effort to experience what its truly like. So I don’t think it has changed us as we are still taboo, we are still private and we still protect our citizens in our community. We have to. And I don’t know in my lifetime if I’m going to see mainstream really accept all of this. We’re paving the way definitely just like the gay leather men. We’re more open, we’re more out there as fashion has dictated to us on what we should and should not wear. But as far ever being acceptable it could happen but we still have to make sure it’s all consensual or else we would have chaos. What we do on the outside world matters and how act and how we show respect. Until the rest of the world catches up to us we still have to live in the vanilla world and at time hide who we are. One can only hope that that will change and if it does not it will not affect us at this moment.

You run the Insight classes at the Lair de Sade? For some people this class would be the first contact that they have with the BDSM community. So do you feel some responsibility to help guide them into the community in a positive way?

I’ve taught the Insight class at the Lair de Sade for over twelve years. I want to teach them about safety, respect, and honor, that this is not a free for all, that there is responsibility that we take when we enter into this lifestyle. There’s so much responsibility. At the Lair de Sade, my class is called S&M Open Forum. I’ve probably taught around 8,000+ people over the years and teaching that class has taught me so much about compassion and love and caring. It’s taught me more than what I’ve taught some of the students.

Could you tell me more about BDSM Pride day? I saw that mentioned on one of your websites.

It’s a day to celebrate BDSM and Kink and to show support to each other in our life choice. We did a live seven hour BDSM pride day marathon broadcast twice. We had thousands of people watching it live as we did the TSR Peoples Choice Awards and celebrated BDSM Pride Day. The BDSM community across the world voted for who would receive an award and had thousands of people submit their favorite people for an award. Over the years TSR Network has had over four million people watch our live shows and come into the chat-room and interact with our guests. Millions have watched the archives that are located on the archive page. When we re-launched TSR after taking a short leave we had over 250,000 watched the live shows over the last year. We as a community have to take pride in who we are and support each other and help to bring a better view of BDSM. Yes we’re taboo and we’re in hiding but there’s no reason why we can’t celebrate who we are. BDSM Pride Day belongs to the community and we hope that in the future that people will start having live dungeon parties to celebrate it and be proud of our lifestyle.

It sounds like you’ve traveled quite extensively around the country teaching, so you must have seen a whole variety of different local scenes and dungeons and clubs around the country. Are there any that are particularly memorable? Are there differences between the scene in different cities that you’ve noticed?

I think we’re all basically the same because we all have one thing in common and that’s BDSM. The community, we have in Los Angeles is an awesome community, its so unique. We are lucky to have so many dungeons and munches and to be so open. But with that also comes a tremendous amount of drama and egos. I’ve found that even in smaller communities have some of the same problems as what we do in LA. And I would love to be able to find some way to eliminate the ego part of who we are in the community but like all communities you will have this problem. Just because I’m a Dominant, Host of my own show creator, founder of TSRnetwork and an educator it does not make me any better than a submissive or a slave or a new person that has entered into this lifestyle. We are all equal in my book. Having a big ego doesn’t do anything for me and I value each kinky person that comes in my life. I live my life with kindness and compassion but carry a heavy flogger, (laughs) always have to have a sense of humor.

Getting back to the question-I specifically really enjoyed the Detroit community. They have an awesome community. I was at Kinkdom a couple years ago and loved the dungeon and people that I met. I was just in Detroit and the local BDSM community reached out to me and were very kind and they went out of their way to take me to a munch and it was a wonderful experience. Phoenix, Arizona has an awesome community too and so does San Francisco. We have good parts of community and bad parts. It doesn’t matter what city you’re in its all pretty much the same as we get to enjoy our kink and our like minded old and new friends. I am grateful for all the people I have meet on my path of BDSM and the respect they have given me. We have some amazing wonderful people in BDSM and Kink.

Are there any states where you think it’s more difficult to be in the BDSM scene because of local culture or government regulations?

Well, here in Los Angles we’re pretty much free to do what we want to do but in small little towns, the local government looks down at anyone who thinks out of the box. I’m not fearful here of anyone coming down on our community, I’m more fearful of smaller towns, because I’ve seen some judgment from communities that look down on people in BDSM. I don’t think we’re going to have problems with the government as the government has bigger problems then who is getting spanked behind closed doors. Are we on their radar? Sometimes we might be on their radar. Especially when they’re gong after human trafficking the government will check out BDSM dating sites and see what we mean by what we call slaves. They’ll go into some of the websites and have conversations with certain people and some people will fall for it and it really had nothing to do with our lifestyle. You’ve just got to be smart and remember it’s all consensual.

It seems in LA in particular, many of the local community leaders are doing a pretty good job of outreach to local government and police agencies to help educate them on what it is we do so they don’t assume the worst. Do you agree that its generally been well done in LA and do you see that elsewhere?

Well in LA , the community reaches out to the local law enforcement and they’re also reaching out to doctors and therapists. Because when someone comes in with bruises all over their body, the first thing they do at the hospital is report it as abuse. What we do is not abuse. We never lift our hand when we’re angry. We never do anything out of abuse, everything is consensual. That’s if you’re healthy and you’re not a predator. We have predators both the vanilla and in BDSM world. Predators come to our community because there are so many that are looking for something outside of themselves and they try to find it inside of someone else. BDSM is not going to fix you if there’s something wrong with you. When you come into BDSM, into this lifestyle, you need to come in healthy, you need to realize you have a voice and no means NO. Always keep your voice. You need to protect yourself, keep things private until you get to know someone. My advice to new people when they’re getting into the community-take a year, don’t do play dates. Get to know us, let us get to know you. Feel us out. Ask us questions, find a mentor. Find a mentor that is there for mentoring the best way with you, not because they want to add you to their family or get something of you. Think before you do anything and educate yourself and don’t let anyone take your voice away. Be aware and take care of yourself first.

What’s the best way to find a mentor?

The best way is to get involved in the local community, to ask a lot a questions, to ask other people-would this person be a good mentor and not just the friends of this person because there any different points of views. A lot of us are well known people, it doesn’t make us good mentors. Some if us are even predators. Just because we’re well known does not really tell the whole picture of who we are. Its pretty amazing, we do a lot of protection of well known predators because they are celebrities in our community, they’re very protected by their fans and they cause a tremendous amount of chaos. When you have been in the lifestyle as long as I have been you know where all the bodies have been buried. It’s like any community, even a vanilla community. But most people are not willing to call out the predators because if they do they will be attacked and that’s really shameful. Every year someone writes a post and we talk about it but its really hard to get our community to participate in actively weeding out the predators. If someone comes to me and ask me about someone I will tell them the truth and some won’t listen so they have to make their own mistakes. That’s just how life is some have to learn the hard way and that’s OK in my books as you have to learn valuable lessons on this life journey. I have made many mistakes in my life and I own it and it’s the mistakes that have taught me the hardest lessons.

Changing topic a little bit, so you’re an ordained minister? Could you tell me more about that?

Yes, and I started the Church of Perversion and Debauchery which is now known as The Sacred Realm. I perform marriages and I perform collaring ceremonies and I also counsel and meet with people, especially if they have any problems in their relationships or understanding why they’re into this lifestyle.

I joke around that if you believe in God or whatever people believe in-if you believe in some sort of higher power that having sex is not bad for us. I don’t think religion should look down on us for what we do. We’re given certain things like compassion, love, and chemistry and sensual feelings for a reason. It’s to teach us and educate us on how to be human and how to love.

Many come to me and I’m there to listen and to help as but as I can. I never judge anyone and try to be there out of love and respect.

I know that there are a lot of kinky people that are also a part of mainstream religion like Christianity and I know that sometimes they feel a little bit torn about that but do you think that BDSM can be compatible with Christianity? In terms of the values and teachings do you think somebody can legitimately be into both?

I don’t think that religion should have any bearing on BDSM. Being sexual is a part of the human factor of who we are. If God or what ever you believe religion to be did not make spanking or the sexual act so exciting then why was it created. Being religious has nothing to do with BDSM as religion is just a small part of who we are. Take a submissive for instances, something happens to submissives when they go into headspace. It’s a part of who we are.

BDSM, sadistic and masochist have been since the beginning of time, its nothing new. We just put a name on it. Pleasure is something that we need as humans and in BDSM we just connect to a different kind of pleasure. Where does one go in sub or Dom space, its a special place for many of us like leaving the body and being God. They go into this utopia, this euphoria, this other place. It’s a lot like meditating or praying. It doesn’t matter how you get to that place its about how your feeling when you get there. If you get it by submitting to somebody and submitting with them and having their love. I don’t think that religion should tell us not to enjoy what we do in BDSM because it teaches us the same foundation; love, honor, respect, and compassion.

If we are a Christian, Jew or any other type of religion belief is not only who you are. If you’re a parent that’s not all you are. If you’re an educator that’s not all you are. BDSM is just a part of the whole pie of who we are. We are more than just one thing as we take this role in BDSM. I’m a woman, teacher, mother and so much more as religion is just a part of me and we all need not to be on the same page as someone else as I’m only responsible for my actions in life. But there is no need to live in a life of shame because I’m into spanking a few bottoms of a willing soul.

Do you have any advice for somebody who’s new to kink that perhaps wants to get more involved, where’s a good place to start?

If you’re new into BDSM go on the internet, start educating yourself, start reading as much as you can. Go to your local munches. Go to conventions. Develop friendships. Talk to people about what other munches to go to. If you can go to a class, take a class. Take a class that can build that foundation first, like an open form S&M 101 class where you can learn about negotiations and etiquette, where you can learn that honesty and integrity has so much to do with BDSM then just spanking someone or flogging them. Ask a lot of questions and keep asking as education comes first. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about being in BDSM. Please remember there is not a street in the United States where someone is being tied to a bed blindfolded or spanked. We’re really not that much different than the vanilla world. Most of all take your time and keep your eyes open and if it does not feel right then it’s not right. Go with your gut feeling as it will keep you safe and get to know your new friends and make sure they are who they say they are. Take care of yourself first and forgive yourself when you make mistakes as we all have made lots of mistakes.

And last but not least, how did you get into BDSM?

I met a young man on AOL and he brought me into the lifestyle and into a chat room and I got to meet a whole bunch of people in this lifestyle in this chat room. I started off as a submissive and I was very very bad at it. I wasn’t well suited for it. I had a very wise Dom who I dated, and I asked him “how come you never played with me?” He said, “You’re not a submissive.” I said, “Well am I a slave.” He says, “No.” And I go, “Well what am I?” He says, “You’re a princess.” (Laughs) I’m thinking princesses? There are no princesses in BDSM! I’ve come to find out that there are. But he said I should try my hand at being dominant. And he was right.

You know Dominant doesn’t mean that you’re always dominant 24 hours a day. You’ve got to find that gentle part of who you are. I’m a kind person, but I’m very sadistic also. And I like tears as it’s kind of a turn on for me.

BDSM has changed me and it has made me a better person. And if it can make me a better person, imagine what it can do to the rest of the people who are just entering into BDSM.

It’s an amazing journey. It will take the layers off of who you think you are and it will create a different reality. I was a willing victim when I came into this lifestyle. I’m no longer a victim. I have grown into a strong woman that has learned to use her voice and I have found so much joy in education new people that walk into this exciting world of BDSM. You never know what life will being when you show up and thank out of the box, I have not regrets in life and very happy about where I’m at in my thoughts about BDSM. I have found me on this amazing journey of self discovery. BDSM has brought me so much joy and some of the hardest lessons that one can learned as it has taught me to stay in the moment of life and think about the past or where my future will take me. I would not be the kind or compassionate woman that I am today if it was not for BDSM and the amazing people I have met along the way. It has taught me to be real and to push ego aside and feel again. I walk in peace, love, joy and BDSM. I’m so very grateful…..

Prepping for Kinky Christmas

November 30, 2015 By anniebear 1 Comment

It was an action-packed weekend for Los Angeles kink and Dexx and myself were live and reporting for “duty” so we can offer a recount for our readers. It’s a tough job, but somebody has to do it ☺ I also put up some cheeky Christmas decorations at home.

Friday night was the second year celebration of Gentleman In Charge, a monthly male Dom/female submissive (or those identifying) event hosted by Sanctuary and House Ravynblood. This event is near and dear to my heart being my very first party that I ever played at when I originally joined the public scene. It’s a great party for newbies and those who are curious. Safety and protocol are fully enforced so that no one feels pressured to play.

This is always a classy event, however this month’s theme was “A Vintage Affair” and guests did not disappoint, wearing their finest clothing from the 40’s, 50’s, and 60’s. Who doesn’t like the look of vintage lingerie? There was even a celebratory GIC cake for guests to enjoy. Dexx allowed me to fly solo (is this real life?!) and I negotiated a fun scene with my friend SeñorPaco. All I’ll say is clothespins and canings and nipple torture, oh my! I came out on the other side alive and none the worse for wear. It was a very fun time.

It was a busy weekend for House Ravynblood. The very next day, they hosted Sanctuary Marketplace. Talk about finding some holiday treasures! There were over a dozen local and faraway vendors, all together in one kinky smorgasbord of sinfully delightful shopping! A silent auction was in place to benefit Kinky Klaus and the children at Camp Pendleton. There was also live entertainment, a food truck, and delicious cupcakes by SubAnastasia. SirGear was on the mic, announcing the acts and auction items. I don’t know how he didn’t lose his voice. I was lucky enough to volunteer as the “Vanna White” of auction items, helping pass them out to the winners. This definitely fed my exhibitionist side. We can’t wait to feature some of the vendors we met throughout the event in future issues of Kink Weekly, so stay tuned! At the very end, I nabbed some items for Christmas. As a bottom, I run into the dilemma of buying something for my top that I will both love and hate at the same time. Mental torture at its finest.

Following the Marketplace, Sanctuary began set up for Twisted Christmas, a play party. I went home for a quick wardrobe change and Dexx and I returned for the festivities. The party was well attended and the live performances even more treacherous. Master Gabriel tortured his doll Star, Mistress Melissa and slave Jane displayed quite the show of varied and extreme play, and many many more. Dexx whisked me away for a quick spanking and mind-fuck and we caught up with some old friends. The evening was a success!

It was indeed a whirlwind and I once again feel so lucky to be a part of one of the busiest kink communities in the world. Having almost all of my holiday shopping complete is just icing on the cake!

What’s happening in your community? We love to hear about the events happening in other cities. Let us know what’s happening in your neck of the woods in the comments section below.

Writer, model, babygirl, submissive. After trying vanilla relationships one time too many, anniebear finally realized her submissive desires and discovered the BDSM community. When not writing for Kink Weekly, she enjoys spankings and being tied with rope.

Week of November 23, 2015

November 23, 2015 By Dexx Leave a Comment

On Saturday night, LA kink luminary Rope_Daddy celebrated his birthday in style. Artist Seizo was kind enough to open up his studio for the occasion, and much merriment was had by all.

It was an action packed weekend elsewhere, with all of the local dungeons hosting play parties of one type or another.

I caught up with Portland-based professional Dom Eclipse for an interview. A fantastic and interesting guy – we’ll have the transcript here for you to read soon.

This week is Thanksgiving in the United States. It gave me cause to reflect on how thankful I am for the great people in my life – many of whom are in the BDSM community. I wrote a little note encouraging people to reach out and help someone who perhaps has yet to embrace their kinky side – you can find it here.

Truss something up this Thanksgiving, and share the kinky love!

-Dexx

Kinksgiving, share the kinky love

November 23, 2015 By Dexx 2 Comments

kinky turkey — A trussed up turkey. Photo and “rope” by Rope_Daddy

I remember when I first started my journey in the kink community. After years of just playing in private in relationships, and feeling embarrassed and awkward talking about my BDSM interests, I finally came to my first munch, then another, then a play party. I felt overjoyed that I was speaking with people that shared many of these same interests and desires about bondage, and power exchange, and SM. And they were talking openly about it, and no one was embarrassed!

I had found my people, my tribe, if you will. People who got me. I didn’t have to feel weird any more. OK, I’m still weird. But I found other people who were just as weird, which helped me to feel accepted, and validated, and much more confident to embrace my kinky side instead of feeling ashamed about it.

It took me a while to get here, but now that I’m part of the community it’s wonderful – and the people are what make it. Curious, interesting, funny, intelligent, friendly, welcoming, open, honest, caring. These words describe most of the people that I have met at events in the kinky world – be they from America, Canada, Greece, Australia, New Zealand or England (I’m sure there are nice kinky people from other countries too – I just haven’t met them yet).

With every person who takes that scary first step and comes to their first munch, or confides in a kinky friend that they too might be interested in trying it out, we get a little closer to a world where everyone feels less shamed, and more accepted for their sexuality and kinky interests.

This week is Thanksgiving in America, a time where we reflect on what we are grateful for. But wherever you are in the world, I encourage you to think about your journey into kink and self-acceptance.

Reach out to someone you think might be able to use some encouragement – take them to a munch, or suggest you watch The Secretary together, or tell them about Kink Weekly. Or just open up and tell them a bit about yourself. You might just find that they open up right back. Make it a week of Kinksgiving!

Writer, photographer, hedonist, Dom. After years of at-home BDSM, Dexx finally embraced the kink community and met many fantastic fellow kinksters in the scene. Along the way, it occurred to him that it would be just super if there was a magazine-style web site which catered to people interested in BDSM, and he recruited some of his friends to help create it. Find him here.

disgruntleddominant on Stoicism Is Not a Gauntlet Thrown DownThanks...I prefer stoic bottoms and tops who prefer them because I can’t stand seeing or giving reactions. I don’t know...
Lizzie on How To Kink Without BDSMWow! At last I got a website from where I can teuly take vaouable facts concerning my study and knowledge....
kinkbride on The Gift Of AcceptanceAgreed!!!

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