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D-types: Knowing the Other Side

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My last article was about s-types “knowing the other side” – so now it’s time for the D-types out there. I realize this is typically a harder sell. There are many D-types that when it’s suggested just to feel what their implements for play feel like they answer with something along the lines of, “Hell no!” I get it. You’re not a masochist. That’s fine, I’m not telling you that you need to be. Just hear me out.

There is a spectrum that represents D-types who have experienced the s side of the slash. From those that have never bottomed to any kink implement nor considered themselves “in service” to anyone to those that spent years as an s-type on their journey to becoming a D-type and many, if not most, who fall somewhere in between.

Now I realize that if a D-type really doesn’t want to do something – I could suggest it until I’m blue in the face and it won’t matter. However, this article is for those that are at least open to the idea of understanding the s-side better. Two main categories to being on the s-side of the slash are bottoming and service. At the very least I suggest experiencing what your implements feel like, if not implements in general. I’m not suggesting this means you doing an entire scene or going super heavy. However, if you’re willing to push those limits then great.

If you’ve had experience in the military or martial arts you may have an idea of being “in service” to a higher ranking officer or sensei. This gives you a glimpse into service, however, it’s not quite the same. Try filling that role with another D-type that you trust – if you dare. Even just for an evening. 😉

I had a friend once, a lifestyle D-type for many years, who wanted to develop a deeper understanding for what his s-type felt like as well as experience what the violet wand felt like since he was looking to expand his Topping skills in this area. He decided to do this by attending a Female Dom / male sub party where he was required to be in the bottom/service role for the evening. He caught a lot of flak from the D-types there because many were his peers. He brushed off their taunting and went about what he was there for. He learned what a violet wand felt like as well as how it felt to serve for an evening. This, to me, was a testament to his Dominance. The fact that he was willing to set his ego aside in order to publicly experience what he did in order to grow as a D-type made me respect him even more than I already did.

I can honestly say that of the D-types/Tops I’ve played with – the ones who have spent time on the s-side of the slash were some of the absolute best. I’m not saying you can’t be a fantastic Top/D-type without doing this. However, there’s just another level of understanding that comes from the experience of putting yourself in the bottom/s-types shoes.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Spirituality of D/s

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punishment

And now for something completely different!

With the beginning of the New Year, I thought I would take a moment to reflect on what I believe to be the spirituality of D/s.

One of the aims of the spiritual realm is to put the mind and spirit at peace. Meditation is one way to banish those disturbances and emotional ripples that are so jarring in our daily lives. Studies have linked lower frequency alpha waves, as well as theta waves, to meditation. Regardless of the technical aspects of meditative brain science, which is far beyond the scope of this article, there is something inherently tranquil and spiritual in a good Dom/sub relationship. This, besides the play aspects, might account for much of its appeal. For the newer members of our lifestyle, you can see there is more to D/s than just whips and chains!

Within a strong D/s relationship, there should be less of the day-to-day power struggles that typify vanilla relationships; ideally the sexual power struggles that are the bane of many vanillas are often eliminated. For example, the typical vanilla male complaint that his wife won’t give him head is, by definition, impossible in a D/s relationship. “Not tonight, I have a headache” as an excuse is really not acceptable in any serious D/s relationship. The Dom/me knows that after a hard day’s work, he/she does not have to worry that his/her partner will not try to sexually satisfy him/her when they go into the bedroom. The absence of this typical vanilla sexual power struggle is a very comforting aspect to a D/s relationship.

(I might add, it might seem I am dissing vanillas. Not at all. I can only observe what I observe. As I wrote in a comment to a kinkweekly.com article, “When I see TV ratings go through the roof with the ‘Mistress Heather’ series of the original CSI shows, how many vanillas are going to see Fifty Shades (a billion dollar gross cannot be generated by only BDSM lifestylers) and cable TV’s near obsession with femme Domme-based shows, I can only conclude that alternative activities — for the most part — are titillating to the vanilla masses. There is no other conclusion I can draw. Clearly, this does not mean EVERY vanilla longs for D/s or BDSM. But a huge number do from what I see.” And many of these people long for liberation from some of the mental strain of the vanilla world. D/s can offer this freedom.)

In a solid D/s relationship, the submissive, with total trust in the Dominant, has so much less to worry about than his/her vanilla counterpart. Letting another person make many decisions can be like lifting a thousand-pound weight from the sub’s shoulders. Conversely, the Dom/me — knowing the submissive is there to serve, satisfy and pleasure him/her in all ways — is very comforted by this knowledge.

Silly, unproductive arguments usually (but not always) go out the window in a good D/s relationship. For example, I cannot picture a Master and his slave arguing over his/her late working hours. The slave trusts that if Master says he is working late, then he is actually working and not out at a topless bar with the guys! (And if he were, he could tell his submissive.) This bond of trust frees them to raise their relationship to a higher spiritual level.

I think of a solid D/s union as being the spiritual equivalent of a Star Wars quote, “Your focus determines your reality.” (Surely there is more wisdom in Star Wars than in Fifty Shades!) The Master/Mistress and the slave, ideally, are selfless and see beyond themselves; their reality is what they make it. And in this transcendent bond, they can find peace of mind.

Clearly D/s is not the solution to every couple’s day-to-day issues. But it can be a step or two towards getting rid of some of the psychic clutter that surrounds all of us. And every little bit helps!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.