mentor

The Pitfalls Of Guiding Others In The BDSM, Fetish, and Kink Communities

August 5, 2021 By TAC 2 Comments

latex, kitten, bdsm play — via stock.adobe.com

We all believe we have something to contribute, and we do. Just because I have expertise in one area of kink, does not mean the knowledge and perspective of someone else who is less experienced is any less valuable. Others want to know what we know! It is why so many forums about kink exist.

These platforms give us a place to learn from others and hopefully find help with our own growth. Sometimes those conversations migrate away from munches and kinks. People newer to the Lifestyle look for people they click with, to help guide them. Mentors.

However there seems to be a scarcity of available mentors forcing too many to seek their information solely from online platforms. This is worrisome as the nuance of kink and the bond is missed when firsthand observations are not available. I do not think it an understatement that mentoring in our community is more important than ever.

Understandably, many who have been in kink for a long time are overwhelmed by the numbers of new people to kink. Quite simply, in my experience, we are far outnumbered. This brings a new set of challenges in mentoring and guiding others. We want, and like, to help other people who genuinely care to learn. However, sometimes we have to be careful what we wish for, we might just get it, and then some. As mentors, we can get in over our heads.

What is Mentoring?

We do talk about mentoring a lot in forums and other venues, but what is a mentor? By definition, a mentor is an experienced and trusted advisor who provides guidance and possibly training. It’s a relationship designed to pass knowledge, to help others avoid mistakes we may have made ourselves, and a way we can learn more about ourselves through teaching others. By virtue of the relationship, the mentor is taking on a responsibility, less formal than having a submissive, but more formal than a mere friend. The responsibility of being a guide.

Mentoring can be immensely rewarding. There is a joy that goes with helping someone else succeed. We get to reexperience some of the things we have learned as we came up. Often, we begin remembering lessons we learned, and have since forgotten, or just started taking for granted. We learn new perspectives, as often our mentees see things in a different light than we do. We are challenged, to help solve issues we may never have considered before. As a result of all these things, we grow also.

Like any other type of relationship, mentoring has traps and pitfalls which are easily fallen into if we, do not take the time to think things through. Please, don’t take this as me trying to scare you off. I am not! However, if this can save you some pain in the process, then why shouldn’t I share what I have learned? Here are just a few of the more common ones.

Things to Consider

Time Management: Have you ever been involved in an activity or organization where you got to the point, “Damn, this is eating up all my spare time! How did I get here?” I have, on more than one occasion. It was my own fault. I failed to set personal boundaries regarding my time, and kept saying yes to things, when I really should have said no. That drive to help blinded me. As a result, other things in my life suffered, or the organization I was volunteering for or mentee suffered. There are only so many hours in the day, guard them wisely.

If we take on a mentoring role, real thought should be given regarding how much time you can dedicate without doing ourself, or our mentee a disservice. There may be times you have to decline being a mentor, just because, you do not have the time. That doesn’t mean we can’t or shouldn’t try to help occasionally, just we may not be able to help as much as they would like us to.

Ask these questions- How much time can I give this person on a weekly or monthly basis? How much time do they believe they need from me? Do these line up? Is there somewhere in the middle that would work for both of us? How is the time I plan to give to the mentee going to impact the other parts of my life?

Making Your Goals Theirs: It is easy for us to project what we want to accomplish onto another person. We’ve done something, it worked, why not? Because it’s not our journey, it’s theirs.

As a mentor, in my opinion, our job is not to guide the mentee to a specific result, but to act as a road map. To present options, provoke thought, encourage growth and progress, be a sounding board, and share perspectives. We can and should be the legend on the map, “There be dragons here!!!” Yet ultimately, whether they go to meet the dragons is the mentee’s choice. We want them to make good decisions, to do that, they need to be presented with the options and consequences of those options, both good and bad. Once that is done, it is up to them.

Ask them up front- What are your expectations from me as a mentor? What are your goals? What are you interested in learning?

Sure, there are the fundamentals in the Lifestyle, I believe, everyone should be introduced to such as safety, respect, and core values. Beyond those things, we help guide the mentee toward what they would like to achieve while pointing out possible traps along the way.

Assuming We Can Fix Them: I am so guilty of this. Some people never really wanted our help in the first place, or they get into kink and the Lifestyle for all the wrong reasons. We make assumptions about being able to turn them around thinking, “If I can just get them to understand this (fill in the blank),” and other variations of that thought. If we find ourselves on this track of thinking, the relationship is no longer about how we can help them, it is about us not wanting to fail. Failure sucks! I get it.

What you may not realize at that point, is that you didn’t fail. You were set up for it and it’s no one’s fault. Some people just are not ready to listen or be helped even if they are expressing otherwise. Recognizing this and knowing when to end a mentoring relationship can be difficult. However, if you do not you are going to wind up hurting yourself, and little or nothing will have changed for your mentee. They must be ready to learn and want to learn for the right reasons.

Making Decisions for the Mentee: “What do you think I should do?” Is a common question I am asked by a mentee. Making decisions can be hard business, why wouldn’t they want their experienced guide to make it for them? I have made this mistake as a mentor, as well as having been guilty of trying to get some of my mentors to make decisions for me. As hard as it is to remain neutral when guiding someone, being that middle grounds and pointing out options will be better for them, and you, in the end.

People become more invested in their success, if it was their success. Conversely, they learn from their mistakes more readily when they can’t blame it on someone else. They choose, good or bad result, it was their choice. When the mentee gets to own the good and the bad, they grow. We need to allow them to do that, even though it can be cringy and painful to watch at times.

Sometimes the Best Way to Learn is to Teach

Mentoring is a great tool and can be a phenomenal experience for both the mentor and mentee. I would strongly encourage anyone who is interested, to give it some serious thought. Not just Tops, Dominants and Masters…… bottoms, submissives and slaves. It takes all walks to fill these roles in our community. And you get something out of it too!!!!

We get to learn about ourselves, find new ways to look at old lessons we had learned, and get a unique opportunity to challenge our own assumptions about kink and the lifestyle. Throughout the process we get the satisfaction of seeing someone grow and develop in a way which is healthy for them and hopefully mold them into an asset for the community.

There will be highs and lows along the way, but in the end, it is worth it. Hopefully, what I wrote hasn’t discouraged you, and maybe armed you with some information to make your mentoring experiences better. Whatever you do, remember to have fun with it!

Make the experience something worthwhile for both of you.

anniebear Learns to be a Dominatrix

August 28, 2017 By anniebear 3 Comments

A few weeks ago I attended a full weekend, three-day group immersion course on how to become a Dominatrix. The instructors, DommeCraft founder, Simone Justice and co-teacher Mistress Damiana Chi are experienced professional/lifestyle Dominatrices. We could not have been in better hands. If you haven’t heard of DommeCraft, consider it the university level training course for those interested in learning the ins and outs of lifestyle and professional domination. The course includes handouts, homework, live demos, practice demos, feedback, and at the end a graduation with a certificate of completion. If there truly were a legalized, certification course for Domination then DommeCraft would be the leader in the industry.

Damiana Chi and Simone Justice, our instructors for the weekend.

I had a lot of nervous feelings in the days leading up to the course. I’ve mostly identified as a submissive and had always been such in my past and current relationships. In the last year or so I’ve been playing around with topping and dominating a few play partners, mostly women. The idea of going to learn from the pros was appealing to me because I thought it would help me gain more confidence and also develop my blossoming skills as a top. My expectations going into the course were completely blown out of the water! While I’d like to divulge every little detail, for the privacy of the other students and also the coursework, I will only cover some of the major highlights.

I arrived at the secret dungeon location on a Friday evening. There was one other attendee already there and we shyly exchanged hellos and a few questions. The dungeon space was amazing. It had everything you would need for a great scene; an open floor plan, high ceilings, bondage equipment and racks. My favorite was a suspended globe shaped cage, perfect for trapping someone inside to prod and tease! Damiana greeted us first and I was slightly intimidated but quickly realized she was an extremely warm and friendly person. In all there were six students. Simone arrived last, in a wheelchair. A sidenote, Simone had recently suffered a broken hip so I thought it was incredible for her to have such dedication and commitment to still come and lead the full weekend class. I’m sure it was extremely exhausting but you would never be able to tell that she had suffered such a terrible injury.

We quickly got down to business. Simone began the class with everyone introducing themselves. I was surprised at the variety of women in the class. Everyone came from a different background yet managed to have so much in common. It truly was a lovely group of women. Simone lead us through some exercises to familiarize ourselves with each other and to create good energy amongst one another. I’ve never worked in this manner before, but the exercises we did really worked! It made me feel both closer and eager to learn more about the other women. We then sat in a circle and received handouts on the first evening’s lessons. I won’t go into too many details due to the very personal nature of the work we did but suffice it to say it was revolutionary.

The next morning I arrived ready to rock! We dove headfirst into lessons on verbal domination with our partners. We were told that around noon, some demo submissive men would be arriving that we could practice our work on. I was expecting one or two submissives and we would take turns. I was delighted to see that there was more than one submissive per student in the class! This just goes to show the dedication and attention that Simone and Damiana give to providing the best tools in which we could learn. I was extremely nervous to work with actual in the flesh human beings. In the past, I have topped a handful of men and women, but this was an entirely new environment where I would be observed while at the same time practice the lessons. We were given the opportunity to take a submissive through a “preliminary” scene using verbal tactics only. I never realized how much I relied on physical touch. It was definitely a challenge as expressed by some of the other students as well.

We did a recap on how the scenes went and proceeded on to the next lessons. A lot of the specific information we learned is confidential, and only reserved for those in this line of study, however we continued the course with bondage cuffs, collars, leashes, and light impact implements and sensation play. We of course practiced all on our willing submissives, who I think delighted in all of us “baby dommes.” From personal experience, I’ve been a demo bottom before and it is a fun process watching someone discover and explore his or her domination.

Another unique aspect of this workshop was the use of “Goddess work.” I’m unfamiliar with this method, however many of the other students were well acquainted with their Goddesses and which ones they identify with, and requested inclusion of more Goddess elements. Simone changed the class to accommodate and brought in several Goddess statues as well for us to use. As a female Domme, it is important to be able to at least be open to tapping into those who have come before you and the energy derived from not only within but the Goddesses and those around you. I’m still working on grasping these concepts, but it was very powerful.

Day three commenced and was the final and most invigorating day. We observed both Damiana and Simone give full scene demonstrations which was so much fun! They acted as if there were no one else in the room and the intimacy between them and the submissives was incredible. Afterward we got hands on with the demo subs and did a rotation of different implements and domination techniques to try out. Damiana showed us some CBT (cock and ball torture) techniques which included tying up the penis and the balls and then delivering smacks or whatever type of play you wanted to do. I was pretty nervous about this particular technique as it looks super painful. I’ve also never been one to be too handy with rope so the concept never particularly appealed to me. But, I rolled up my sleeves and jumped right in when the time came to try it out! I am pleased to confess that I was able to master the CBT tie quite quickly! Perhaps I have a new calling, haha.

Day three wrapped up very quickly. I missed going to the graduation play party, but I heard it was a fantastic experience to bring together all that we had learned and try out our new skills in a party environment. It was incredible meeting so many wonderful women and also the very dedicated male submissives who assisted. Thank you to Simone and Damiana for a wonderful class. I’m also very eager to attend the “Dommes of DommeCraft” play party, September 2nd, which will have Dominas who have attended past DommeCraft weekend and daylong classes and private lessons with Simone. To join us write Damiana@DamianaChi to apply. Wish me luck!

To find out more about all of the classes offered go to here

The Complete Mentoring Guide

October 17, 2016 By Baadmaster 5 Comments

This article can be filed under “controversial” and “opinion” because it falls into both categories. You can also file it under “important,” because I think it is essential to objectively examine the practice of Dominants placing submissives “under their protection.” Although we have covered the basics in our previous kinkweekly.com article, “What Is A Mentor?”, I thought a more detailed look would be useful – especially to new submissives. As with many BDSM traditions, “mentoring” in this “Fifty Shades” world is disappearing. People are just jumping into Dom/sub relationships. But until the practice totally dies out, I think we should examine it – if only to protect those new subs who might encounter – or seek out – this way of entering the lifestyle.

To recap: let’s define what “under the protection of (the Dominant)” (often called “mentoring”) means. In theory, it is where an experienced Dominant selflessly looks out for and coaches a submissive. In practice, it ranges all the way from honorable, experienced Dom/mes showing newbies the ropes while protecting them from predators (best-case scenario), all the way to conniving Dom/mes using it as a way to quickly become the “de facto Dominant” without any of the responsibilities of a Master/Mistress (worst-case scenario.) Mentoring seems to have no historical basis in BDSM; I cannot find reference to it in “Old Guard” lore or anywhere else. It appears to be an Internet-inspired phenomenon; there are no universal standards.

In its ideal manifestation, mentoring has much to recommend it. An experienced Dominant is the perfect person to guide a newbie through the daunting maze that is BDSM. He/she can show the new submissive the ropes while also screening out potential predators who might seek to take advantage of the newbie’s newness. (That is either a neat phrase or totally lame!) But, life is rarely ideal. For example, let’s say the protector is tasked with screening potential Dom/mes for the submissive. The most experienced Dom/me is neither all-seeing nor all-knowing. I would be more comfortable if the job of screening potential Masters included consulting with the sub rather than screening them unilaterally, which is usually the case.

This practice is just begging to be abused. After all, who is protecting the submissive from the protector? Protection can turn out to be less a teacher/student relationship than a version of “Dom/sub light.” (Of course, if this is what the sub seeks, then this is fine.) Although this is truly an anecdotal observation (I have no hard statistics to back up this claim), it seems that this is especially true in a male Dom/female sub situation. In this “worst-case yet common” scenario, protection is just a way of getting the milk without buying the cow. The insecure Dom is able to take a female sub off the market quickly and become the sub’s sole support system. He quickly becomes the sub’s de-facto Dom – but without the responsibilities.
As with any social system, there are bound to be abuses. So, let’s give newbies a few tips that can help them choose a mentor/protector, should they decide to pick one.

1. Both of your agendas should match. See if your potential mentor has a hidden agenda that is at odds with yours. Is his/her primary motivation your well-being or is there another aspect to it? Often married men, or Doms with alpha slaves, will use protection as a way of rapidly snapping up an additional sub. If this is acceptable to you, this is fine; otherwise, be forewarned. Make sure both of your agendas match. This is probably the most important aspect when picking a protector.

2. Check out the protector’s reputation. Ideally, you should have a “protector protector.” As this is not only silly but also impractical, don’t jump under someone’s protection until you check him/her out. If you meet your “protector” at a local dungeon, ask around (including other subs.) If you met online, find real time people who know him and ask! The keyword is “ask.”

3. Use your “bullshit-detector.” Don’t simply rely on detective work and testimonials alone. Use your bullshit-detector. (If you don’t have one, they are on sale, this week only, on kinkweekly.com.) Does your gut tell you the Dom/me is honorable or is he/she being deceptive? Honesty is everything if you plan to trust someone else with critical decisions. So, trust your instincts – your built-in “bullshit detector.”

4. Look for red flags. If the protector says, “Don’t go on the Internet…resign from kinkweekly.com…don’t talk to this Dom or that Dom…give me all your passwords…I will screen your friends…I will control all your money…I am your sole source of information, etc.” Any one of these, especially anything having to do with your money, is a big red flag.

5. Don’t be desperate. Often the worst abuse comes when a submissive is at an emotional low point and seeks a “protector” to help sort things out. This is a very human need. However, if you are desperate, it might attract predator Doms who can sense your situation. Search with purpose, not with desperation.

6. Mentor should not be making demands. Ideally, a mentor should be there to help you learn or heal, and he/she should not be making demands or asking for control. Unless this is what you want, this should be a red flag.

7. Don’t get bum-rushed. If your potential protector says, “Now,” this is another red flag. True story: I was at a local dungeon with my collared slave and a play partner. Play partner leaves us, checking out the play space; half hour later she comes back and states, “I cannot talk to you anymore, I am under the protection of Lord Bla Bla Bla,” whom she just met. Shortly thereafter, she left the lifestyle in disgust. The world won’t end if you wait a week or two. (Although watching the news, I am not so sure.)

8. Negotiate. Just as you should negotiate a Dom/sub relationship, you should negotiate the rules of protection. Don’t leave it as a vague concept that basically gives the “protector” more influence in your life than even a Dom/me! Be specific – set hard limits and specify where the mentor’s areas of control and/or protection begin and end. For example, many subs want a protector to be with them at BDSM events and parties, so they don’t attend alone. This could be where the protector’s duties begin and end. Or, there could be more. No matter what, obligations and limits should be negotiated.

9. Have fun. As I have stressed over and over again, BDSM should be fun. If your mentor makes the whole process “un fun,” you are losing out. The last thing you need is to make BDSM a chore. (Unless, if course you enjoy not having fun. In which case, disregard this tip!)

Although the concept of mentoring and protection is an admirable one, one should never forget to always be vigilant. Not paranoid, vigilant. I hope these tips will keep you on your toes and, should you seek out a mentor/protector, you will choose wisely!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

What is a mentor?

June 20, 2016 By Baadmaster 4 Comments

This article was one I had not planned to write. It really is not a fun topic; it is kind of dull and boring. Short of telling “this mentor walks into a bar” jokes, I cannot really make it interesting. Since my aim has always been to be fun to read, writing an article about mentors seems about as exciting as writing about great moments in hubcap history. But since this information is really needed — especially by those new to the lifestyle — I am going to attempt it anyway.

What exactly is a “mentor”? A “mentor” in the BDSM lifestyle has the same definition as that in the vanilla world: a guide, a teacher, an advisor, a protector, friend, an experienced source of lifestyle information and a protector. They are mostly Dom/mes who mentor new submissives (“newbies”), although Dom/mes can be mentored too.

As I have stressed many times, the more knowledge you accumulate in this lifestyle, the more enjoyable your journey will be. One way to gather this knowledge is to read all the articles here on kinkweekly.com. Another way is to meet an experienced guide/teacher – a “mentor” – who can help steer you around the pitfalls that you will encounter along the way. After all, the more you learn about this subject, the better able you are to know what you are seeking; you will become skilled at weeding out those people who are just in this for a “quickie.” (Yes, there are some of those!)

The problem that I have seen recently is that there is no shortage of unqualified people who wish to “mentor”a newbie submissive. Many want to become their confidant – and use it as a sneaky way to control a submissive. And this is a problem. For while a submissive might screen a prospective Dom/me nine ways to Sunday, he/she might simply accept some “mentor’s” claim of five years in the lifestyle without question. “He’s only a mentor” can be the reasoning here. But herein lies a danger – because a bad mentor can be a source of misinformation and a waste of time. Or even turn you off to the lifestyle.

I suggest screening a “mentor” with the same care as one would screen a prospective Dominant. Ask around and see if there are any lies or inconsistencies in his/her story. Look for “Red Flags” – for example if the mentor makes quick demands on a submissive. If the mentor immediately demands to screen all prospective Doms—red flag! Or if the mentor insists that all mail and messages go through him or her – red flag! Basically when you see any quick demand for an unwarranted amount of control – ditch his or her ass!

Keep in mind a mentor is a teacher, a confidant, a friend – not a Dom/me in disguise. That is disingenuous, dangerous and wrong.

Personally, I have met very few good mentors. Those few mentors that meet my standards are actually reputable Masters/Mistressses with slaves; they love to share their knowledge of the lifestyle and thus they mentor selected newbies who are referred to him.

I cannot personally mentor all of you who need a mentor; but I can help you with answers to some of your most pressing questions. Just e-mail me here at kinkweekly.com and I will try to help (or “mentor”) you.

Enough of the dull, albeit important, stuff. It is now time you to read one of my entertaining articles!

mentor

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