As the new year approaches, most of us are thinking about the year gone by and looking forward to the future. It’s the perfect time to consider our New Year’s resolutions: How we’d like to improve ourselves and our relationships going forward. It’s the perfect time to consider what this D/s dynamic really means to us.
Last month, we started with a discussion of “Intent” over “Activities”. We noted how dominance and submission do not consist of things that you do (or are made to do), but rather the reason behind the things that you do. We viewed submission as an action, not a reaction. We further defined submission as actions intended to serve the dominant’s preferences. Lastly, we briefly touched on communication as enabler for dominant-centric submission. If you missed last month’s article, you can check the November 19th archive!
This month, I’d like to spend a little time discussing the roles involved in a D/s dynamic and, in particular, the rights, responsibilities, expectations, and obligations that those roles entail. We’re going to shake a few trees with this discussion and we’re going to cover a concept that I introduced in my second book that sits at the cornerstone of my methodology for adding D/s dynamics to your relationships.
We’re going to cover this topic over two weeks. This week, we’ll establish the basis for the discussion: The layers within our D/s relationship and the rights of expectation involved in a power transfer. Then, in the December 24th edition, we’ll get into a deeper discussion of obligations. Let’s get started!
The Underlying Relationship A power dynamic is built upon a relationship of one type or another. There are many forms of relationships, ranging from casual acquaintances to life partners and spouses. Some are contractually binding (think marriage contract), others are based in quid-pro-quo (think client/professional – pay for play), and others are purely emotional (think friends and partners). They can exist anywhere in the emotional spectrum between professional, nearly clinical relationships to deeply committed ones. Regardless of the type of relationship, any can support a power dynamic.
It’s interesting to note that the type of power dynamic is independent from the type of relationship upon which it lies. You can have intense, deeply committed power dynamics riding on a base of friendship (friends with kinky benefits) as easily as you can have casual scene-based, bedroom-only dynamics in a marriage…and vice versa.
There are a few attributes that are common across relationships, and while the intensity and criticality of these vary based on the type of relationship, they exist in some form or another in each of them. Among these you will find things like: Trust, honesty, caring, respect, open communications, mutual fulfillment, and perhaps love. These attributes occur in some form or another in all relationships, with and without power dynamics, and are not functions of a power dynamic, but of the relationship itself.
The power dynamic is going to contribute other attributes to the relationship, such as: The intent of service, commitment to roles, pleasure, catharsis, and a voluntary imbalance of power that results in new rights of expectation.
The Right of Expectation
When you think about the characteristics of the underlying relationship, you see they are balanced and mutual. They give both partners equal rights to expect certain behavior of each other: The expectation to be treated with care and concern for one’s health, to be treated with respect, communicated with, to be spoken to honestly and openly, etc. In all relationships, both partners are granted these rights. Again, the degree to which these apply depend on the relationship type, but regardless, these rights are equal and mutual. Since the underlying relationship, along with all of its characteristics, continue even after a power dynamic is added to the mix, the mutual rights and expectations of both partners continue throughout. This is important to recognize: The attributes and responsibilities of the underlying relationship remain in play, even after a power dynamic is added.
The moment submissives commit themselves in service to a dominant – with the intent to serve as the dominant’s submissive – and a D/s dynamic is created, the dominant is given a new, additional, right. The submissive has promised to strive to fulfill the preferences of the dominant. This means that the dominant is given the right to expect and even demand that the submissive live up to that commitment. Suddenly, anything the dominant wants, needs, or desires becomes something that the submissive has committed to deliver. I call this new privilege the “Right of Expectation”.
The dominant is not committing the same thing; the submissive is not granted the same new privilege. The submissive retains the same rights they had before the power transfer, because the underlying relationship continues to be in force, but they do not gain any new rights because of it. Only the dominant gets the new rights. This creates an imbalance of power that sways heavily to the dominant. It goes above and beyond the natural mutual expectations of being in a relationship and gives the dominant additional privileges.
Most submissives recognize the imbalance, the “unfairness” of the dynamic, which is exactly what gives them that feeling of submission; of being out of control. Without that imbalance, the dynamic reportedly lacks a realness.
As a dominant, I recognize that my sub has a choice, each and every moment he is my sub; he chooses to remain my sub. He chooses to focus on fulfilling my expectations – expectations he gave me the right to have when he committed to becoming my submissive. It is that commitment that shifts the power to me…not because I’m “all-powerful”, but because he is focused and dedicated to doing whatever I prefer for him to do. As a consequence, my preferences are prioritized above his. He chooses his actions and attitudes based on his understanding of my preferences, priorities, and needs. He “obeys” me, not because he “has to obey”, but because he knows that if he does not obey me, goes against my desires, then that would not further his objective to please me. It would violate his commitment to my preferences. My “Power” comes from our mutual understanding of his commitment, not out of physical strength and control. It’s a very real power – a power he chooses to continue to give me every day. A power that stems directly from my right of expectation.
Obligations The obligations of a submissive are pretty clear: Dedicate themselves 100% to fulfilling the communicated expectations of their dominant. They commit themselves to that promise when they offer their submission. This is what provides the right of expectation. There is little argument when it comes to the obligations of the submissive.
The discussion is not so clear, however, when it comes to the obligations of the dominant. Because we’re in a relationship, there is still obligation and responsibility as a partner. However, it is a very different type of obligation and isn’t anywhere nearly as taxing on the dominant as it is on the
Over the years, I’ve heard some very strong opinions on how “new-found power” obligates dominants. These statements came mostly from submissives, however, there are also quite a few dominants who readily volunteer to be strongly obligated by the fact that they have accepted a submissive’s commitment to serve. They quote Voltaire in the line made more recently famous by “Spiderman”, “With great power comes great responsibility”.
The main factor supporting these opinions is the viewpoint that the power transfer has somehow rendered the submissive helpless to take care of themselves, or to think on their own, and it therefore becomes the obligation of dominant to care for, protect, and take accountability for, the submissive. However, not all power transfers result in a helpless submissive and I strongly advise against allowing that notion to take hold your dynamics, unless it applies.
I see validity in this notion of additional responsibility if you’re engaging in BDSM-like activities (as many readers of “Kink Weekly” do!), but not because of the power dynamic itself. Rather, because BDSM is a practice in which the submissive is often rendered incapable of stopping themselves from being put in harm’s way, or from engaging in potentially dangerous activities. The Top is obligated, because protecting someone who is dependent on you is a natural extension of the underlying relationship attributes. As a general rule of society, even without power dynamics, if you engage in activities in which you are potentially endangering another individual’s wellbeing, or are in a position to harm them physically or emotionally, you are obliged to act with care and concern. If you shoot weapons, practice martial arts, race motorcycles, perform surgery, look after children, provide psychiatric advice, etc., you have an obligation to look after your fellow man. That’s a relationship requirement. In BDSM-scene dynamics, if you’re going to render your partner helpless, flog them, hurt them, attack their psyches, or otherwise play in the realm of BDSM, you are obligated to do so with care and concern. Not because it’s a power dynamic, but because of the nature of the specific activities in which you are engaging.
There is also the notion that submission is regression: That by submitting to a dominant, the submissive releases themselves from all responsibility and control, and can therefore regress into a state of absolution; a return to childhood, where accountability and responsibility all laid in the hands of the parent – now dominant.
These notions do not always hold true. Submission and the power transfer are the result of a very unique and personal commitment. They do not always result in BDSM play or Regression. Whether submission will result in these types of dynamics depends on the definition of submission; which is determined by the preferences of the dominant. Therefore, it’s not the act of submission that creates these additional responsibilities for the dominant, it’s the dominant’s choice of the individual activities. For example, my dynamics with my submissives are not based in BDSM or regression. I personally will not agree to take on those types of obligations. My subs remain responsible and accountable for their submission and for their actions within that submission.
Furthermore, adults who make commitments are responsible for keeping them. I’ve been shocked to hear submissives say, “since they are giving themselves to a dominant, the dominant becomes responsible for driving them, keeping them honest, assuring that they carry out their tasks, punishing them when they misbehave, controlling their orgasms, rewarding them, protecting them, and taking ultimate accountability for their actions”. Wow! The way they transfer the responsibility of living up to their commitment onto the dominant, you’d think you were listening to a child make promises to take
care of the dog they want their parents to buy. No thank you! I expect my submissives to take the responsibility to own and be accountable for their commitments.
You do take on more responsibility should you choose to engage in potentially dangerous activities. But you do not take on these additional obligations because you’re the dominant, only because you’re in control of a situation that is potentially harmful to your partner.
The dominant does, however, take on new responsibilities. The dynamic is not one-sided. However, the dominant’s obligations are very different from those of the submissive. The dominant is not promising to serve, even if some of the things that they do provide a service to the submissive. As dominants, our INTENT is to be served in the best possible way – and therefore our obligations center more around helping our submissives to understand what they are expected to do, and to know how they’re doing against those expectations, and what they can do to improve.
Hopefully, this week’s entry gives you some food for thought. In the December 24th edition of “Kink Weekly”, Part 2 of this article will dive into the obligations of the dominant in quite some depth.
Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.
Illustration by Dirk Hooper
I hear from people with very different problems, but all share the same solution.
One guy is into FinDom, and deeply enjoys the interaction he gets online, but then feels a profound sense of loneliness afterward. He thinks he knows about BDSM, but, he’s only had a small taste of it.
A woman has practiced professional domination, enjoys it, and wants to be an amazing Domme. She’s also interested in the lifestyle component. But her research hasn’t answered any of the questions that she has, and she’s having a hard time learning the ropes, so to speak.
Another woman hangs out on Fetlife and reads a library full of books, but still can’t put it all together in her head. Plus, she’s looking for the right partner and all she’s finding is a bunch of guys who want one night stands instead of a real relationship.
So, what do all these people have in common?
They all need to get out from behind a computer screen, their cell phone, or get their nose out of a book, and find a local BDSM group.
Look, I know all the reasons why you’re not attending the local BDSM group,
Maybe you’re shy,
Maybe you’re scared, and it all looks a little weird,
Maybe you live in a small town and you must travel a little bit to find the local group,
Or maybe you’re busy.
I’ve had all those reasons and many more to not go to a local BDSM group. I get it. I really do. It’s so much easier to dig around on the Internet or lose yourself in books, but the fact is that connecting the dots, seriously putting it all together, comes from real life, hands-on, experience.
Now, before I go any further, I want to state unequivocally that you’re not required by law to attend BDSM group or a kink event. If you don’t do this, it doesn’t make you any less valid of a kinky person. Some people will meet a special person and will discover everything they need to know together, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
It’s also possible that the fantasy of all of this or just playing in individual scenes is exactly what you’re looking for. That’s okay too.
But, if you’re the type of person who feels this deep inside and knows in their heart that there must be more out there… more knowledge, more connection, more passion, then there is an answer for you. Find a local BDSM group, or an event, and take the plunge.
There are so many things that a local group or a BDSM event are going to do for you.
One of the great things about BDSM play parties is getting the opportunity to watch couples conduct their scenes. Everyone has their own dynamic and their own style. You’re going to get a smorgasbord of unique scenes, different players, various toys, and more importantly, you’re going to see how this looks in reality.
The first time I went to play party it was at an upscale home filled with all sorts of kinky people. Even if I didn’t play that first night (I did) it opened my eyes to the vast difference between what you see in porn videos and in movies, versus what happens in a real kinky scene. Every room was like a different channel with a different show playing.
It was a crash course in kinky play. And worth far more than all the books, magazines, and videos I had consumed previously.
There’s another obvious bonus to experiencing real-life play and that’s the opportunity to participate yourself. I played on that first night and it was exhilarating. Some of the things I learned that night I still use to this day. It’s a valuable experience.
At a BDSM event, you can follow up on what you’ve just seen by asking the participants questions.
Always be incredibly respectful of people in a scene or who are practicing aftercare. Don’t disturb them while they are interacting with each other.
But when things have cooled down, or maybe while they’re putting away toys, if you approach people and ask questions in a respectful manner, most people will be happy to pass on their wisdom.
Often when I’m asking questions about toys or technique or how people feel they will do much more than just tell me. People will frequently allow me to inspect a whip or toy they used. Some will go as far as teaching me how to use an item or demonstrate it on me.
Much of the deeper learning that I have is directly related to speaking to people who have just played and are doing something that interests me.
It frequently leads to friendships, connections, and sometimes mentors, which leads to my next section.
Friendships, Connections, and Mentors
Most people imagine that BDSM events are like Eyes Wide Shut. Sure, there are some events that are like that, but most are a lot more like a science fiction convention.
People go throughout their entire life with this secret interest. It’s likely they don’t share this secret with their friends, family, or coworkers. In fact, they’re probably fighting as hard as they can to keep it away from those exact people.
At a BDSM event, you’re finally surrounded by people who understand what you’re going through. They all have a similar story. And this is their chance to speak openly about what they’re into. It’s liberating. But it’s also a very powerful opportunity for you to meet like-minded people.
That’s one of the reasons why people are so willing to speak to you about their tools and methods. Submissives can be particularly forthcoming about their feelings in a scene. If you’re respectful and inquisitive you can learn so much just by asking a few questions.
Your interactions could easily lead to new friendships, important connections, and maybe even a mentor if that something that you’re interested in.
Those relationships are incredibly valuable to you because they may give you the only outlet you have to talk about this kinky stuff.
Meet A Romantic Partner
While I don’t think making a romantic connection should be your first priority at a BDSM group, there are some distinct advantages to meeting someone in this setting.
You’re going to get a chance to talk with them at length about what they’re into. You can tell if there’s real chemistry between the two of you. You might even get a chance to see them play or play with them in a safe environment.
Also, you’re surrounded by people who may know more about the person you’re interested in. You can get some firsthand knowledge about who this person is, what their history is, and whether they can be trusted or not.
In fact, you could use a BDSM group as a place to meet someone that you’ve met online. Again, you’re going to be surrounded by people who know what they’re doing and are going to be looking out for you better than if you met one-on-one in a private location.
Most BDSM groups offer classes or seminars on just about every aspect of BDSM that you can imagine.
I don’t care how many YouTube videos that you watch, it’s not the same as seeing it and experiencing it in real life.
You’re going to be right there. You can ask questions, get a better view, or play along with whatever is happening.
It’s going to be better than any class you took in high school!
The best reason of all to go to a BDSM group or event is that it’s simply fun. There’s so much that goes on at these things that you can never imagine. Each group and each event is going to be totally different. Once you go, you’re going to be hooked!
It’s possible that you find a group that’s not a good fit for you. Try again with another group. They all have their unique pros and cons.
If you’re interested in a deeper knowledge or a more passionate understanding of BDSM nothing beats real-life experience.
Even if you’re antisocial, you have to travel a bit, or you’re a little nervous, I can promise you that it is worth getting outside of your comfort zone and making the extra effort to connect with the community.
About the Author
Dirk Hooper is an award-winning fetish photographer, professional writer, audiobook narrator, podcasting producer and host, journalist for the fetish community, BDSM mentor, and adult personal branding and marketing consultant for Sexy Networking.
Dirk Hooper won Best Fetish Photographer at the 2017 Fetish Awards in St. Petersburg Florida. As a fine-art fetish photographer, Hooper’s work has been exhibited in England, the Netherlands, Belgium, China and all over the United States. His work is part of the permanent collections of the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University and the Leather Archives and Museum in Chicago, Illinois. Dirk Hooper’s work has been published in magazines like Skin Two, Von Gutenberg, Fet Erotica and Sinical Magazine. His work was published in the German hardcover art book “Fetish Fantasies: The Best of International Fetish Photography.” He has done professional photography for bands, books, posters and the adult film industry. Hooper co-founded the alternative modeling site Toxic Goddess. He offers his photography services for portraits and commercial projects.
Hooper’s articles have recently been published at Business Insider, Inc. Magazine, HuffPost, Slate Magazine, The Sporting News, MSN Sport, and Quartz. He has won the Quora Top Writer award for the past two years. He has also been published as a comic writer, a poet, and performed numerous copywriting assignments for professional and private clients. He is currently working on an erotic novel and a non-fiction book about social networking.
Dirk Hooper is the Host and Executive Producer of “The Fetish Show.” He has also recently launched a new podcast about success and inspiration titled, “The Dirk Side.” Hooper has been podcasting since 2005 and has produced hundreds of hours of shows over several networks. His first audiobook narration was for the Suzanne Steele novel “Glazov.”
Dirk Hooper does journalism for the BDSM and fetish community through The Fetish Show News, FETISHWEEK articles, the Daily Fetish Chronicle and freelance writing. Hooper’s award-winning website, http://www.DirkHooper.com features a gallery of his work, informational articles and is the home of “FETISHWEEK.”
Hooper’s inspiration for his work is an extension of his interests and experience in the BDSM and fetish community. He is a BDSM mentor and has helped guide or train both dominants and submissives.
Hooper works as a consultant on personal branding, social networking, SEO, copywriting, design and marketing through his Sexy Networking business at http://SexyNetworking.com.
I am sure we have all heard the sweaty, uber-dom declare; “True submissives I play with don’t have safe-words.” and “My partner isn’t allowed to say no to me.” followed by a grin which could only be described as unfortunate.
I would argue that such an attitude is at best pointless posturing and at worst an indicator of dangerous abuse. So let us explore these two points, the role each has to play in kink and why I would disagree with this attitude.
Safe-words are an integral part of how we provide clear lines of communication throughout our community. Whatever the situation, I don’t think there is a one of us whose ears don’t prick up at the shout of “Red!” in any environment. I think it would be arrogant in the extreme for any of us to think we are so skilled in the reading of body language as not to need, and appreciate, a verbal cue for when things are going too far.
But there is a risk to these short cuts, to relying too heavily upon a presumed common language. Kink lexicography is not yet set and as such can be treacherous.
I have played with people for whom Red! meant: “Stop the scene, untie me, get a blanket it is aftercare time.” While for others it means: “Stop doing what you are doing, check in with me and maybe we shall continue.” For others it even means: “Stop using that item, but carry on with something else.”
These are just three definitions of the same word, and none of them are wrong, just different. However what happens when I expect someone to use Red! to mean stop using the cane and switch to a flogger, where as for them it means: “Untie me and give me aftercare, asap!” In my mind I have respected their consent rules, but for them they are still tied down and only thing that has changed is that I am now using a flogger. What they need and have expressed hasn’t been respected.
This precise concern is what has lead to some refinement of our kink language, many people now use a “traffic light” system; Green, Amber, Red. Green to mean carry on or even do more, Amber to say slow down or switch what you are doing, and Red as a clear indicator to end the scene.
I am a huge fan of pre-scene negotiation which doesn’t just include what they want to do, but also what to do if things go wrong. What kind of aftercare do they want at the end of a scene? What about if they need to safe-word, what kind of aftercare do they need then? What does Red mean to them? How do they let me know something has gone wrong if they cannot talk? The more time we spend learning all this before a scene the better we can mitigate the risk of needing to use any of the information.
This is also the time to check with them what type of safe-words they use, do they use a traffic light system? What does Red mean for them?
Communication is so important at this time, so that we can properly understand each other in the midst of play. Defining how safe-words work for you and your partner is far better done while having a cup of tea than when one of you is hanging upside down on a cross, blindfolded, whips cracking and music going.
Now is the bit where I horribly contradict myself! Remember that less than pleasant fellow I described at the beginning; the uber-dom with the regrettable smile. Yep, him, well here is the confession, I don’t let my partner say no to me either.
So why would I say all that I have about safe words, and the importance of communication when I am now saying I don’t let my partner say no to me? First let me explain that just because my partner cannot say no to me it does not mean she cannot disagree with me. In fact it is precisely because of my love of communication that she is not allowed to say no. When I am playing with someone who I am not in a relationship with, with whom the scene shall be self contained, safe-words are perfectly sufficient and they can say no about anything we discuss, but in my D/s relationships I need more.
I draw a clear distinction between my play relationships and my D/s relationships. One of the biggest differences is that in my play relationships there is no expectation on either party outside of the scene, we play, play ends, we are back to being friends. However, in my D/s relationships a scene is just part of the greater relationship, there are expectations which exist at all times. During a scene the dynamic might be heightened but that relationship does not end when the scene ends.
My D/s relationships thrive when I am fed information, the more I have the better I can structure and direct our relationship. I encourage clear communication whenever possible, and so I don’t let my partner just say “no”. They have to give me a reason, they need to explain why they don’t want to follow an instruction. They know that they need to be able to articulate a problem to me, it forces them to think about why they don’t want to do something, what reason they have and then to express it to me.
If I were to make a statement about an intended activity and she responded simply with “No” then that shuts down the conversation. I am left with no new information and, in my attempts to discern the reason for her having said no, might well settle upon a mistaken idea.
She said “No” to going to an event naked; “But why?” I ask myself “Is she feeling self-conscious about her body? Perhaps I need to work on building up her sense of self worth?” Now I am performing mental acrobatics trying to discern the reason for her reservation rather than focusing on our upcoming event. While in reality it might be as simple as she knows the venue is often cold.
Now in the scenario described above one would expect that such a simple thing would be explained. However, by placing the explanation at the forefront of the conversation it helps with those more complex issues. Is there an issue I am unaware of, does something make her feel uneasy? Then it must be explored, expressed and dealt with. Rather than place the conversation ending word “No”at the beginning of the conversation we remove it entirely.
If me partner ever responds to me with just “No” she knows that she is going to be in trouble, but if she comes to me with a problem and does her best to explain it then she knows that will only be met with care and support. This restriction and forcing of dialog is about more than just the issue being addressed, it is about training her in how to express a problem. I believe it is something us tops should be very aware of; we have to encourage and positively reward our bottoms whenever they come to us with a well articulated issue. They have thought about an order, considered your instruction and found there to be something they see as a real problem in carrying it out. That kind of dedication and care towards our instructions should always be rewarded with positive attention. At times they may come to us with half formed idea, maybe something just doesn’t feel right, then we should encourage them and work together to understand the root of the problem. We should never be angry that an instruction is being questioned when it is being done in a constructive way.
Even though my approach to two distinct forms of consent in the kink community are very different on the surface I believe they have the same underlying motivation, to draw out clear communication between everyone involved. For me communication is everything. Whether it is just confirming what Red means to a person I am about to scene with, or learning about a problem my D/s partner has with an order, through their communication I am learning, and getting better at what I do because of it.
Rules, I LOVE rules. Long lists of complicated instructions relating to everything from when they can speak to what furniture they are allowed to sit on, or short simple ones like always wearing their collar when we play. There are so many to choose from, and as with so many things in kink they are only limited by your imagination. When we set rules is it because we actually want them to be followed? Are we setting unachievable goals so that the bottom cannot help but eventually fail? Are the rules designed to eventually become patterns of unthinking behaviour, effectively training the bottom?
So let me start by narrowing the topic, here we are talking about rules that are supposed to be followed, not play rules that are fun to break or challenge. The rules we are discussing are those most often found in long term D/s dynamics.
What these rules end up being, the punishments agreed upon if the are broken, where they are enforced, all of this is just the beginning.
We can often mistake rules as being only about control. A way for the top to exercise their desire and dominance over another person, when physically there or not. However, I believe rules can be far more than that. First we need to decide what the objective of the rules are and where they are enforced. Then we can explore how rules can build trust and bring the top and bottom closer together.
I believe that rules are about trust. Because of that they need to come from a positive place. They need to be rules that genuinely make the top happy, and that improve the bottom in ways you both want, even if that is just in making them a better bottom. When I set a rule it is always with the objective of developing the bottom. Small rules can set the foundation for much greater changes.
Rules can be contextual or temporal, existing perhaps only in the bedroom, or on kinky weekends.
Rules can exist in perpetuity, even if they only are acted upon in a certain environment.
Rules can be omnipresent, forming the foundation for patterns of behaviour which stretch from the bedroom to the workplace and every corner of life.
Whatever rules you settle on they are not just about control, they are also about trust. As a top it is vitally important that you treat the rules with respect. You imbue them with all their power by enforcing them, fail to enforce them and the rules are meaningless.
Consider a bottom who has studiously been following the rules of a long distance relationship, and let us imagine that rule is to send the top a picture of them in their underwear every morning when getting ready for work. For three weeks, without fail, they have sent a picture, posed and considered to their top. Then one morning the alarm doesn’t go off! In the frantic rush that follows the photo is forgotten and it isn’t until the evening that they remember. An apologetic message is sent immediately, explaining the situation and begging forgiveness. Then the Top replies saying that they hadn’t remembered and that it is okay, they understand and it is fine.
What an incredibly underwhelming response!
For three weeks the bottom has been mindful, considerate and obedient. Let us not forget that it can be hard work as well, spending that extra time every day fulfilling the wishes of another person. With one act of nonchalant dismissal the Top has devalued all that hard work. What bottom would want to go though that again?
How much more exciting is it for the bottom to receive a text as they rush to work, a simple threatening question: “Where is my photo?” Adrenalin starts to flow, the delightful panic of knowing that punishment is impending, the fear of failure and the reassurance that the Top is always thinking about the bottom, monitoring them, aware of their actions and failures. We can easily focus on the surface emotions of that moment; fear, a sense of failure, impending doom. However, we shouldn’t forget the greater affirming impact on the relationship. The reminder that the Top is dedicated to the bottoms development, thinking about them, aware of their actions.
Isn’t this a more fulfilling response? I think so.
A rule should be rewarded when followed, and punished when defied.
A reward should be tailored to the bottom. Some only require a simple “Well done!” others need a reward chart with a big reward at the end. But most often the reward is recognition. It should be carefully balance though, not to over reward or under-appreciate. A rule should exist with a certain expectation of obedience and so giving praise for something that hasn’t actually been hard devalues the Top’s praise. However, no praise at all is demotivating.
Learn your bottom, give as much consideration to a “Well done!” as you would a spanking. Plan a big reward with as much care as you would a 6 hour beating scene. The reward part of the rule is just as important as the punishment part, both reinforce the value of the rule.
Punishments give a rule value, the higher the punishment the more important the rule. We should intrinsically know this, it is why murder gets life in prison and jaywalking a fine. But these are detached, we commit the infraction against a ethereal entity, society, but breaking a rule in a D/s dynamic is personal. You are breaking my rule. So here we can choose to punish even the smallest infraction in a most severe manner. We are punishing not just violation of the rule but the rebellion or forgetfulness which caused the rule to be broken.
I should highlight here that when I talk about punishing the infringement of a rule, I do not suggest you be merciless. We live in the real world, things go wrong, people get upset, things are forgotten for good reason. Depending on the circumstances a punishment might well not be appropriate or deserved, but I strongly suggest it is highlighted. Let them know it is not forgotten, but it is forgiven because of the situation. In this way a potentially upsetting situation can become another chance to show care and attention.
Rules are great fun, and if you want they can run deep through the very core of a D/s relationship. If that is what you want then they reward consideration, planning and forethought, but treat them casually and they can turn on you. Rules are not for the lazy Top, because unlike the bottom we don’t have anyone holding a stick over us to make us respect them.
About the Author
Pure Rebel – https://www.patreon.com/purerebel
The Dark Arts-https://darkestarts.com/
I was still finding myself when I met my Daddy.
Correction. I hadn’t even begun trying to find the self I had lost when I met him, yet he inspired me to begin that journey.
Along the way, he pointed out to me that I had some of the tendencies of littles. Having read very little about people who identify that way, but finding those things to be negative, I rejected that possibility for myself. It was only after I did some more reading and spent some time being honest with myself that I was able to accept that part of me. I have met others along the way who struggled similarly with their preconceived notions of littles and thus fought against their desires for things such as pacifiers.
I genuinely cannot count the number of times people have become friends of mine and at some point remarked casually at how they hadn’t known someone who was a little before. They often go on to describe characteristics which are often associated with littles, such as brattiness and childishness, and express distaste with those traits, but pleasure that I am “not like that.” The conversation usually moves on, leaving me with that hint of sadness that one of my identifiers is so widely misinterpreted.
For a portion of society who preaches about tolerance and not judging one another, I see an awful lot of misconceptions about subgroups in our community. Perhaps the only experience some has had was with a little in a forum, or seen from across the room at a play party, all in pink stomping a foot and emphatically saying no. This trend towards treating littles somewhat dismissively tends to hit me hardest where I live, as these things often do. Rather than seeing those of us who identify in this category as whole, healthy individuals who have embraced their inner child, they are often seen as annoying, with much misconception. However, I see it in the case of “littles,” so let’s talk about us!
There are at least three large categories within the “little” heading. Littles, middles, and babygirls are often grouped together. So let’s break it down.
Littles often, but not always, identify that way because they have an age regression. This can be a state of mind for them which is sometimes situational. It can sometimes be referred to as little space in discussion. This age regression is different for every person who experiences it. Some people will identify an age they feel they regress to, others will have a range. For the most part littles tend to identify on the lower end of the age spectrum, generally under age 10, taking on characteristics of those age groups.
This may mean your little wants to have a pacifier, or takes comfort in stuffies. It may mean games of Candyland or coloring. It could mean Disney movies, a system of reward and punishment, or the endearment good girl being a thrill. It may mean they do not want sexual contact while in their age regressed state.
It does not mean that people who identify this way are incapable of taking care of themselves. It also does not mean they act like children all of the time. There are generally specific things which will trigger age regression for them, and may require them to feel comfortable and safe with the people around them. That generally doesn’t occur during the work day or with just anyone.
Middles generally identify in the middle of the age spectrum, somewhere from 11 and up. Again, some may experience age regression and some may not. They may or may not enjoy some of the more childlike things like coloring and stuffies and may be more open to sexual contact while in this mindset.
Babygirls often do not identify with age regressive experiences, yet strongly desire to fully integrate their inner children with their adult experiences. They may enjoy some of the same activities that littles and middles do without necessarily needing them or being restricted to one age bracket.
Confusion can come because all three subcategories can exhibit similar outward characteristics. Individuals identifying in these manners can often project a certain level of naivety or innocence in some form, whether it exists or is simply a projection of childlike innocence. Generally all three groupings are seeking a Daddy or Mommy relationship with an individual who is often, but not necessarily, older in chronological age and who guides the pairing. This partnership can provide mentoring in areas which may be less developed in the submissive partner, or simply provide emotional fulfilment.
The important thing to remember when dealing with anyone who identifies in any of these ways is that they are still adults who are perfectly capable of rational and intelligent thought. They shouldn’t have to hide their identifier out of fear of misconception or ridicule as I have seen some do. This community should be as inclusive as it claims to be. We should offer all those we meet an opportunity to educate us about areas of kink we were previously unfamiliar with, and perhaps learn a little about ourselves in return.
About the Author
Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so. Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals. She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey. She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others. She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.
Dances at geek conventions are a very mixed bag. Put several hundred socially awkward nerds in a room together with loud music and alcohol and one of two things will happen. Either everyone will sit quietly huddled together with the few other people they know, trying to talk over the music, or enough people will overcome their awkwardness that the dance floor will be packed with people who are mostly too scared to talk to one another.
This dance was themed around superheroes and villains, and he was thrilled to be there. He was tall, well-muscled, and his father was from Puerto Rico, which meant that it was a natural fit for him to take the costume of a luchador-inspired villain who had been responsible for the destruction of one of comics’ most popular heroes a few years ago. He went for more of a comic-inspired version of the outfit than the one from the movie that came out a few years ago, meaning he wore black spandex that left his massive arms exposed, and his mask was a luchador-style one with a zippered opening allowing the mouth to come away from the mask so he could eat and drink.
His roommate for the convention had insisted on their costumes and that they come out to the dance, and he had reluctantly agreed. He was still in the midst of an unpleasant divorce, so while he had been looking forward to the convention, the idea of spending a night surrounded by drunk and desperate nerds was of limited interest to him. Predictably, his roommate spotted a young twenty-something dressed as a female clown-themed villain moments after they arrived at the dance and vanished into the crowd, leaving him alone.
Sweeping his gaze across the crowd, he tried to figure out how long he had to stay at the dance before he could slip away. His roommate would probably go back to the room of the blonde he had chased after, so no one would know that he left. He could get in a workout, turn in early, and be ready for the convention tomorrow.
So resolved, he turned towards to the exit and started to make his way out, not looking down, and so he almost tripped over her. She was maybe 5’6” tall, and some of that came from the black stilettos she wore. Her hair was long and dark, spilling out of the latex cat-inspired cowl. Her eyes were green, sparkling like emeralds. The leather catsuit she wore was unzipped halfway partially, revealing the tops of a very nicely rounded pair of breasts. They didn’t seem to be terribly large, but on her fairly petite frame, they were more than proportionate. A whip was coiled and hung from her hips. She was adorable, if perhaps a little too young for him.
She also had been holding a full cup of some fruity alcoholic concoction, most of which was now splattered all over his costume from where they collided.
“Watch it!” she said, indignantly, looking right into his sternum. Her gaze traveled up over his well-defined chest until she was looking up at his mask. “Oh… uhm…” she continued, obviously embarrassed at both her outburst and at having spilled her drink all over him. “I’m sorry…”
“No worries, kitten,” he said. “I’m fine. The costume will wash. Shall I get you another one?”
She looked at the empty and dented plastic cup in her hand. “No. No, I really don’t need this. It won’t help.” She was practically screaming to be heard over the music.
“Here, follow me,” he said, taking her by the hand and leading her to a set of couches that were on the outside edges of the dance. He noted how easily she went with him, and he guessed there was a submissive streak in her, despite the fact that the costume she wore had been inspired by the outfits of professional dominatrixes.
When they found the couches, he left her for a minute, then returned with two cups of water. “So, why are you so upset?” he asked as he sat across from her, handing her one of the two cups. She looked at it warily, clearly aware of the potential risk of drinking something a stranger handed her at a party before she decided to throw caution to the wind and sipped the cool liquid.
“The guy I came here with? The one who I spent hundreds of dollars buying a costume to coordinate with his? He’s over there dancing with some blonde slut with big boobs.”
She pointed across the dance floor, and sure enough, there was a guy dressed as the famous vigilante, dancing with a cute little blonde number dressed in pigtails with clown makeup. She was in her early twenties, and the two of them were sharing their dance area with his roommate.
“They’re also dancing with my roommate,” he said. She was obviously furious with the guy, and he guessed that she had really been planning to sleep with the guy this weekend. Her costume wasn’t cheaply made, so she had been willing to invest quite a bit to impress this dude. “I suppose the three of them make quite a set. Hero, villain, and villain’s girlfriend.”
She grimaced. “That is such an unhealthy relationship. I don’t get why girls think those two make a good couples costume.”
“Oh, you’re a fan?” he asked.
The two of them began to talk, sharing their favorite moments in comics, films and television. The conversation flowed naturally and easily, to the point where neither noticed that they had never bothered to share their names. She was clearly much younger than he, but he found her engaging and charming and well-read. They were oblivious to the dance going on around them, and before they knew it, the lights were being turned up to tell the partiers to get out. Both of them looked around and noticed that their respective friends had left without them – most likely somewhere with the blonde in red and black.
“Would you like to continue this discussion back at my room? I’m in a hotel connected to the convention,” he offered.
She chuckled, uncomfortably. “You just want to get me back to your room so you can take advantage of me. Big strong supervillain holding the vigilante anti-hero at his mercy.”
She said that nervously, but he thought he could detect a note of longing in her voice. She was more than ten years his junior. His divorce wasn’t finalized. And if her convention badge could be believed, she lived on the opposite side of the country. There were a million reasons why bringing her back to his room was a mistake. But he decided to go for it anyways.
“Would it be such a bad thing if I did, kitten?”
She bit her lip nervously as she considered her options.
“Take me,” she said, finally.
* * *
They didn’t speak as they made their way the few blocks through the city back to his hotel. The convention had filled the hotel lobby with people in costume and playing board games, so no one paid them a second look as they came in, still in full costume. She stood demurely and quietly beside him as he led her to the elevators and by the time the elevator arrived at the 14th floor, they were the only two left. She followed him down the hall to his room. When they arrived at the entrance, he turned and faced her, placing his second copy of the room key in her hand.
“If you’re going to come into my room, it has to be your choice. Because once we’re inside, what I say goes. Do you understand?”
She nodded assent.
“I still don’t even know your real name,” he said as he let himself into the room. He turned back to see her standing in the hallway.
“I’m your kitty. You’re my poison. Do we need to know anything more about each other?” she said as the door closed with a click.
He stood just inside the threshold to the hotel room, waiting for the impossibly long time as he waited for her to make her choice. It might have been as few as five seconds between when the door closed and when the green light on the lock flashed, indicating that she was inserting the room key, but it felt like hours. As she tentatively began to push the door open, he grabbed the edge, flinging the door wide.
Before she could say anything he had his hands under her arms, lifting her up, spinning her around, taking several steps into the room, letting the door swing closed under its own power, as he pinned her to a wall and they exchanged their first kiss.
She wrapped her slender legs around him, not quite able to fully encircle him as he had one hand on her ass, using it to hold her up and support her as she was pinned against the wall. His other hand was on the black latex of her cowl, pulling her mouth to him. Her hands grabbed his biceps, the claws of the leather gloves digging into his muscles, not quite able to draw blood.
As their tongues dueled, with hers retreating to allow him to explore the shape of her mouth, he released her head. His hand came between them and found the zipper of her catsuit, pulling the zipper down exposing the full curves of her tits. She wore a lacy black shelf bra that pushed her cleavage high, and once the leather was pulled back, left her nipples on full display. A silver stud went through the nipple of her right breast, and her small, pebble-like nipples were hard and erect with longing.
“He would have been very lucky,” he said his hand came up to cup her right boob. His thumb ran across the nipple, toying with the jewelry. “He’s a fool to have turned away from you. But I am happy to claim what should have been his.”
“Yesssss,” she moaned as he fondled her. “Claim me. Own me. Make me yours.”
He turned them away from the wall, easily holding her up with one hand. Before she could fully react, he tossed her onto the king-sized bed that dominated the room. She landed hard, prone and lying flat on the bed, breasts bouncing from the impact, wind slightly knocked from her lungs. Then he was on her, knees pressing her thighs apart as he held himself just above her on his elbows, one hand back on her zipper, peeling it all the way down her stomach, past her waist until the top of her lacy panties could be seen. He kissed her again, his other hand reaching up to take the edge of her latex cowl to pull it from her head.
“No,” she asked, one of her delicate hands gripping his wrist. “Leave the masks on.”
He grinned a predatory grin.
“You wish to be taken by the villain, and not by me?”
“Tonight? Yes. Oh, yes.”
“As you wish, kitten.”
With that, he grabbed the opening of the catsuit near her collarbone and he pulled roughly, yanking it halfway down her arms, exposing her torso fully to his gaze. He kissed her again as he pulled, rearing back on his knees and bringing her into a sitting position as he worked the leather suit down her body. His mouth moved from hers to her neck, and he kissed and bit at her as he stripped the catsuit off of her, leaving her in only her bra and panties.
“Now, my little cat, if you want to make me happy – and you do want to make happy – strip me,” he ordered her as he lay down on the bed.
She was a vision of innocence and debauchery in one, somewhat demure despite the lingerie that had clearly been chosen to create lust and desire. Her bra did nothing to hide her full breasts, the nipples fully on display, and the high-cut lace thong did more to enhance her cunt than it did to conceal it. No hair showed under the lace, so she either had a very well-trimmed landing strip, or she was completely bare underneath.
On her knees she slid down the bed, first unlacing the heavy boots he wore. She slipped them off, then gently peeled his socks down his feet. She turned away completely, so that she was facing the foot of the bed, and as she bent over, he could see the full lips of her pussy peeking out from behind the lacy strip. Her folds glistened and gleamed with her arousal, and he put one hand on the cheek of her ass possessively as she bared his feet.
She looked back over her shoulder, eyes gleaming mischievously as she wiggled her ass back at him. The raven black hair from under her cowl flipped wildly as she turned her attention back to him. She sat back on her knees as she ran her hands up his legs, feeling the muscles beneath through the spandex. Her fingers stroked the growing hardness of his manhood as she worked to undo the complicated belt that was as much prop as it was an article of clothing. His outfit was a one-piece singlet, but the belt had to go before she could peel it down him.
Her hands kept straying from working the buckles and snaps of the belt as she got distracted feeling his manhood. He was big, perhaps not bigger than the basketball player she had hooked up with during college, but still more than enough to satisfy her. She couldn’t wait to expose him, to feel the girth of his shaft, the weight of his balls. Her mouth watered as she considered the possibilities.
“Stay focused, kitten.” His voice brought her back to reality, and she hurriedly finished removing the belt before spinning back to face him.
Her fingers slipped under the black spandex shoulder straps, and she began to peel it down him, loving the play of muscles she could see in his pecs, his abs. His waist tapered in, although she was briefly disappointed that his cock was covered by a pair of tight silvery briefs. But she continued to peel the second skin of the spandex costume down him, fingers massaging the taught muscles of his thighs as she went, and then he was just like her, wearing only underwear and a mask.
Then his hands were back under her arms, pulling her onto him so that she straddled him. She could feel his hardness through their underclothing, her slickness allowing her panties to easily slide back and forth across her sensitive lips as he ground himself against her.
His hands went to her hips, guiding her as she moved above him, their bodies pressed tight together, both longing to feel the naked flesh that was covered by the thin pieces of fabric. He brought his head up to her right breast, taking her nipple between his teeth, biting gently, with his tongue playing with the jewelry embedded within. She grabbed the back of his head, pulling him into her by the spandex as she moaned with pleasure and pressed her pussy against him.
“Take me. Now,” she breathed.
“With pleasure,” he responded, gently pushing her back as he sat up, reversing their position so that her head was flat on the mattress by the foot of the bed as he positioned himself above her, between her legs.
He took her wrists in one massive hand, pushing them above her head and pinning her to the bed as he reached between them to rub her pussy through the black lace of her panties. She was soaking through, and he pushed the thin strip of fabric to the side to feel her bare lips. She was hot, and wet, and his finger slipped past the inner lips of her pussy. Her heat was intense, and the muscles within seemed to pulse and almost pull him in. He slowly fucked her with one finger, marveling at her tightness.
“No, don’t tease me. Please. Just fuck me,” she begged.
“I don’t… do you have condoms?”
“No… but I know you’re clean. I’m clean. And on the pill. And I need you. Now.”
He shimmied out of his underwear, baring his cock. He was hard and ready, his foreskin pulled back, revealing the swollen glands that was ready to penetrate her. The thin hair of her pubes tickled the head of his cock as he rubbed himself against her, slickening his shaft before he penetrated her. She whined in frustration and tried to raise her hips to impale herself on him, but he had her too firmly pinned to do so.
He pushed, and her lips parted to allow him entry, engulfing the first two inches of his cock. She was like a wet, velvet vise, gripping his shaft as it slowly pushed deeper into her. She moaned, a low, deep, soft sound as she was penetrated but his throbbing manhood. She felt herself stretching to accommodate him, not quite painfully so, but a delicious ache that left her feeling completely full. And then he was completely embedded within, their pubic hair meshing together, and his heavy, full balls resting against the curve of her ass.
“You’re mine now,” he said, and then brought his face to hers, nipping gently at her lower lip.
“Yes, absolutely. I’m at your mercy.”
“Too bad I have none,” he said as he swiftly withdrew most of his cock, and then slammed back into her in one fierce thrust that made her shudder. She was almost ready to beg him to do that again when he preempted her request by repeating the motion again… and again… and again.
He fucked her hard, and long, with deep, powerful thrusts, pinning her to the bed, and leaving her completely helpless. And she didn’t want to be anywhere else. Her moans came so quickly and intensely that they stopped being separate moans, and more became one single long exaltation of pleasure as he drove into her, pushing her through one orgasm, then another and another.
He stopped, leaving her panting and wanting more, and withdrew from between her thighs. Seizing her, he pulled her to her feet and then shoved her over, so she was bent over the bed. As she tried to adjust to what he was doing, he had retrieved the whip from her costume, and brought it around to her hands, wrapping her wrists in the leather behind her back. She was a vision of loveliness and submission, bent over at the waist, chest against the bed, hands bound, pussy wet and glistening and open and ready.
Then he was behind her again, pushing into her once more, hands gripping her hips as he fucked violently fucked her. He was hard and ready to burst – it had been months since he had last lain with his soon-to-be ex-wife, and he was primed and ready to explode.
“Do you like this, kitten? Being taken? Being owned?”
“Yes.. oh, god, yes….” She moaned, his words almost as exciting to her as the powerful cock that was piercing her from behind.
“You like the feeling of me inside you. Making you mine?”
“Tell me what you want… what you need.”
“Fill me. Own me. Take me. Fill my pussy with your cock, with your cum. Make all of it yours. Use me. Fuck me. Just fucking take me!”
Her words were enough to push him over the edge, and his fingers dug into the curve of her hip as he buried himself in her, his cock twitching as it sent spurts of his cum deep into her wet and ready womb, triggering another orgasm of hers as she felt him empty himself in her.
He collapsed forward, pinning her to the bed, and they both tried to catch their breath as the moment began to pass.
He withdrew, and lay back down on the bed, pulling her to lay beside him, her head resting on his chest, one of her legs thrown over him. He unbound her wrists, and she cuddled into him, their masks still on.
She brought one hand up to the edge of his mask, fingers toying with the seam.
“Can we take these off?” she asked in a voice that was high-pitched, childlike, and vulnerable.
“Of course,” he answered gently.
Reaching back, he peeled the spandex off his head. His hair was short, dark brown, and despite being matted down under the spandex, she could still make out the gentle curls that were there. His face was handsome enough, deeply lined, with sorrowful bags under his eyes, and now that she could see his eyes, they were a deep brown.
For her part, when the latex cowl with attached wig was removed, he could see that her hair was very short and dyed red. Although her cowl had let her eyes shine through, unmasked she looked even younger than he had thought she was originally. He didn’t doubt that she was the age she had told him, but she seemed so much more innocent and youthful with the mask gone – a look that was only somewhat marred by the well-fucked look in her eyes.
“Hi,” he said.
“Hi,” she responded, looking back at him.
“I guess now we should exchange names?”
They both laughed, as they cuddled together. They had been intimate enough that something as mundane as the exchanging of names seemed extraneous, and they drifted off to sleep curled into one another.
About the Author
Broken Unicorn has been a writer since he was a child, starting off writing decidedly non-erotic stories about superheroes. As he got older, he started writing erotica about superheroes, before eventually discovering his kinky side and writing about people who could live in the real world. He lives in the midwest, and is happy to live in a very full house that includes four humans and two dogs. He can be found under the profile Broken_Unicorn https://fetlife.com/users/8765084
Dominatrix: Mercenary Mistress
Photographer: Danny Stygion
MUA: Texas Dela Rosa
Shoes: Refuse To Be Usual
Location: Austin Dungeon
For Part 1 Click Here
We got up to the top floor of the hotel and Master instructed me to get on my knees by His hotel room door and He led me into the room by the leash on all fours. “Take off all of your clothes and show me your favorite position of submission” He ordered and I obeyed Him. I made sure to slowly take off my clothes so that He could take me in part by part.
My eyes were transfixed on His, not as a sign disrespect, but of the utmost respect and connection. When I was naked, I got on my knees and put my hands behind my head, hands clasped, back straight, chest out, eyes down. It hurt not to look at Him in the eyes, but I wanted to show Him complete submission. “Beautiful. Just beautiful” He said as He began to photograph me with His phone camera.
He went behind me and stood there for a few minutes. I waited patiently. “You have a beautiful body, Juliette” He told me as He grabbed the leash and pulled my neck back so I would look up at Him. He smiled at me and took my left breast into His hand, squeezed my nipple, played with it and stretched it out as far as it would go. He then took my right breast and did the same thing. “Whose tits are these?” He asked calmly. “They are yours, Master. I am all yours” I responded eagerly. He playfully slapped them, took His dick out of his pants and rubbed it all over my breasts but especially over my nipples. My nipples became hard in no time.
With my arms still behind my head, and my mind completely on wanting to obey, I stayed in my position as He continued to tease me with His dick. He guided my head down to watch his every move. His dick was fully erect. He then told me to stand and I did I was instructed to do. Hands behind my head still, He went behind me and took my arms and put them behind my back and made me stand there while He went through the suitcase He had left in his room earlier and suddenly I felt the cold metal of handcuffs surrounding my wrists. I loved the sound they made as He made them get tighter around each wrist.
He laid me down gently on my stomach, head down on the bed while my feet were on the floor. He went back to his suitcase. He came back to me and rolled a metal bar slowly down my back, onto my ass, and down my legs. It was then I realized He bought a spreader bar to use for me. I happily spread my legs wide for Him so that He could restrain me with it.
For the first time, I was completely at the mercy of a Master. It was also my first time being restrained by a spreader bar and with arms behind my back. Master began to finger me from behind, occasionally stopping to smack my ass with His dick, playfully. He went to His suitcase and suddenly I felt lube on my asshole. As one finger entered my ass, His dick began to enter my pussy. This was all for His pleasure, not mine, as I cum only from clitoral stimulation. He fucked me nice and slow while He fingered my asshole at the same pace. Then He took His finger out of my ass and replaced it with His dick. I hadn’t been fucked in my ass in years so it was a little painful at first but then He rubbed my clit while He fucked my ass and I came nice and hard. He could feel my vaginal walls clench despite being in my ass at the time. It was the first time anyone made me cum that way. He handled me like a pro.
I was left in awe of Him.
When He was done, He left me there to wait while he took a shower. I imagined what He looked like naked and thought about our elevator fun while I waited. When He came out, He was only in a towel and He went to the side of the bed to make sure I knew it. His shoulders were as sculpted and strong looking as they were in the pictures I saw of Him. His body was very attractive to me, even though parts of Him were covered by a towel. He was always gorgeous to me but seeing Him like that was a total turn on. I saw the outline of his dick in the towel and my pussy couldn’t stop pulsating. He unshackled my legs and told me what a good girl I was for laying there all quiet in the room while He showered. He instructed me to take a bath and then rinse off in the shower. I did as I was told. In the bath, He made sure to tease me. He watched as I soaked myself up with body wash all over my breasts, pussy and ass. His dick got stiff in the towel as I slowly played with my nipples and jiggled my breasts playfully for Him. He came over every once in awhile to play with a nipple or put His hand in the bath water and play with my clit. He was so good at teasing.
When I was out of the bath and shower, He told me to get on the bed. He had another surprise for me. He took out a sexy purple nightgown in my size. He then took off his towel and, to make me laugh, pretended to put the nightgown on but then quickly told me to raise my arms up and He dressed me like I was His doll. I am His doll. I stayed in my position on the bed with my beautiful new nightgown on, taking in the sight of my Master. His body in totality is delicious. He laid on the bed next to me and told me to get in between His legs and blow Him. I happily began to lick the head of his dick then put it in my mouth. I concentrated first on the head and then moved my way down and choked a little on His cock. He watched me the whole time, giving me little instruction as He already knew I knew what I was doing. I took His dick in and out of my throat for a few minutes and then rubbed it with my hand while I licked His balls. “Oh yes, Juliette. That’s it. Lick my balls” He demanded and I continued. His dick was rock solid. He took control for a second and slapped my face with it. “Spit on my cock you slut” He commanded and I spit as much as I could. He took His dick and rubbed it all over my face. I enjoyed every minute of it but put my eager tongue out to let Him know I wanted more.
He got up, told me to lay on the bed on my back with my head at the edge of the bed. “Mouth open, tongue out” He urged and I listened. He then slapped my tongue a few times with His dick before putting it all the way in my mouth. He fucked my throat with vigor and told me what a good little subby slut I was. He reached forward and rubbed my clit as he fucked my face. It was like no other sexual experience I have ever had before. Within minutes He and I came at the same time. It was incredible. That night He had me sleep at His feet, with His feet using me as a foot rest, right where I belong.
About the Author
Mistress Rayvyn is a 37 year old native New Yorker who has been in the lifestyle for 20 years. Her hobbies include photography, singing, writing, reading, talking to people from around the world on various messengers, cooking, baking, and playing rpgs of all kinds.
She only started writing BDSM erotica a year ago, but has been writing poetry and fictional stories since she was 14 years old. While her BDSM stories are fictional, they are comprised of the fetishes she and her following have. Some stories are catered to specific people in her life, others are fantasies of her own. She hopes to continue to build her following and get some constructive feedback along the way.
Dominatrix: Mercenary Mistress
Photographer: Danny Stygion
MUA: Texas Dela Rosa
Shoes: Refuse To Be Usual
Location: Austin Dungeon
Relationship dynamics are so very individual. Vanilla or kink, everyone has to develop their own working model. The funny thing is that if you google the words “relationship dynamic definition,” you get a bunch of articles and book recommentations, but no actual definition. I thought I’d take a stab at it.
- the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected.
- The way in which two or more people or organizations regard and behave toward each other.
(of a process or system) characterized by constant change, activity, or progress.
a force that stimulates change or progress within a system or process.
Using the dictionary as our foundation, then, we can create a better definition than just waving our hands about to encompass BDSM and talking mystically about our dynamics, expecting others to nod along. I argue we can define it thus:
- the way in which two or more people are connected and behave toward each other, characterized by constant change or progress.
I really like the part that implies that relationships are constantly growing and adapting, because that’s definitely how I see it. The question then becomes how does one find the mythical “relationship dynamic” and wht kinds of dynamics can one build?
Obviously, the most common relationship structure that gets attention in Kink is that of a Dominant / submissive pairing, though polyamorous structures are possibly even more common. I also tend to see quite a bit of literature on structuring Master / slave relationships. Any of the relationships we build in the Kink Community can be as sexual or non-sexual as the participants desire.
The things we don’t tend to see as much of are pairings such as Handler / pet or even Daddy / little or middle or babygirl, Stag / vixen, and a host of other possible combinations. Perhaps because I’ve been looking I have seen more informative writings about those types of relationships lately, though they have required me to search with more deliberation to find them. It gets even more interesting when we begin to combine elements from different areas of kink into one relationship dynamic. Perhaps an individual identifies as a submissive but also a primal prey. It is easier to find a match in a Dominant Primal Hunter than when someone identifies in ways which seem conflicting.
Those large categories can often carry some societal assumptions, even within our more open-minded community. Think for a moment of the word submissive. We often make some broad generalizations about an individual who identifies that way. We assume that person must either accept pain or be a masochist along with that submission, but those things don’t have to go together.
What happens to someone who clearly identifies as submissive bottom but who is also a sadist? Does this person require poly structures to get what they want, since the likelihood of finding a Dominant masochist is smaller, or hold out hope of finding everything they need in one partner? That is a decision only that person can make, but it reminds us that even broad categories can be confining.
It can become even more challenging when an individual identifies in more than two categories. I identify as a babygirl, but also as a submissive and as a slave / property. Finding a Daddy Domiant / Master was quite a challenge. For me, though, the rewards of being able to develop a relationship dynamic which feeds more of what I need was well worth the effort it took to discover and develop it.
I get a lot of questions from people who are wanting to develop similar structures, or even other types of less common combinations, but are unsure how. Prehaps they have read something I wrote and notice that I tend to swap back and forth between terms of address for my Dominant, and they are left with quesrions. We are often faced with people who want others to be only one thing, to be more easily categorized. That may work well for some, but there are many of us who don’t feel one category adequately describes either us or the relationships we build. Sometimes it helps to look to others who have built similar structures and engage them in dialogue. The one piece of advice I can offer is this.
There’s a song about time and patience. Unfortunately, for those of us who want to build any relationship, we have to start from the ground up. From individuals who only want a relationship which falls into one category to those who want theirs to span several, they all require participants to clearly communicate both their desires and their needs for the relationship. Those things may be different, and deciding if something is a need vs a want can be challenging.
Once each individual has determined their needs and wants, they should communicate those to one another. I find sitting with a written list can help ensure I’m not forgetting anything I felt was important enough to discuss. I have a tendency to bunny trail a bit…
After having communicated, the relationship can be adjusted to accommodate those agreed-upon aspects, as well as to see what is working and what isn’t. Perhaps it may even include adding additional elements that had been on the “want” portion of the list but which have transitioned to the “need” portion. Those things rarely remain static in an individual, let alone a pairing or poly grouping. This can be similar to a renegotiation, and may involve sitting down with lists again for a conversation, or can be as simple as a few words of agreement as an aspect comes up and requires attention.
I firmly believe that one of the most important characteristics of a healthy long-term relationship dynamic is fluidity. The ability to adjust to the changes and emergencies life can often bring may make the difference in the longevity of the partnership.
Like any other structure, such as homes or boats, building a relationship dynamic requires time and effort to create something which will not crumble when stormy weather assails it.
About the Author
Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so. Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals. She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey. She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others. She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.
I write from my own experiences and from the submissive perspective. I realize there are many s-type identifiers (slave/sub/bottom/brat, etc.) and many D-Type identifiers (Master/Dom/Top/etc.). However, for the sake of simplicity for this article, I will use sub and Dom going forward. The same is true of gender identifiers that correspond with s-types and D-Types. However, again, for the sake of simplicity for this article, I will use she/her for sub and he/him for Dom.
How do you negotiate a scene when you have a chronic physical condition or limitation, especially one that is not immediately noticeable to the naked eye?
Invisible illness and chronic pain can be especially difficult to navigate because we look perfectly fine to everyone around us. However, we’re typically working overtime to make it appear as if we’re fine while we’re actually in excruciating pain.
This can lead to questions, fears, and concerns like:
- How much information about my condition do I need to reveal to a new play partner?
- At what point in our play relationship do I reveal the WHOLE STORY about my illness or condition?
- What if I tell my play partner about my condition, and they are fearful or do not wish to play with me?
So…Let’s tackle each of these questions one at a time.
First, how much information about my condition do I need to reveal to a new play partner?
There are a couple of possible ways to approach this. You could reveal just enough so your partner has the information necessary in order to keep you safe and not cause additional harm while still maintaining your privacy. For example, my pain is primarily in my right leg, hip, and pelvis. So, I must tell my play partners not to hit me too hard on that side, or when doing any kind of rope bondage not to leave me standing on just my right leg or to bind my right leg too tight. With a new partner I do not go into the history of why I have this pain or the illness that caused it (However, you can now read all about this in the last article I wrote for KinkWeekly).
The other way of approaching negotiations would be to reveal everything in an attempt to be completely transparent. I applaud anyone who would be willing to do this with a virtual stranger or acquaintance. Perhaps, this would work with a friend or someone you’ve known for some time and are just now starting to play with. However, in my opinion and from personal experience, I don’t think it’s necessary when you are first starting to play with someone to disclose everything. You only need to disclose as much as you are comfortable with while also giving your partner the necessary information to keep you safe. Ultimately, it comes down to what makes you comfortable and the level of trust you have with your partner.
Next, at what point in our play relationship do I reveal the WHOLE STORY about my illness or condition?
I capitalize WHOLE STORY in this question because for me, my chronic pain is the result of a 10 year struggle with a chronic illness that is quite personal. It’s taken me a very long time to be willing to talk about it privately, let alone publicly. I only recently told my WHOLE STORY to a play partner with whom I’ve been playing for quite some time. He had questions, but his response was otherwise very positive and supportive. In the beginning, I was cautious and gave only enough information to keep myself safe and make sure he did not cause further damage to my body. If there was anything happening in a scene that I knew would not work with my body, I spoke up. Otherwise, I didn’t feel like I had to immediately disclose very personal medical and health information until our play relationship progressed, and I felt I could trust this individual. Trust is paramount. If you cannot trust the person you are negotiating with to a certain degree, you should not be playing with them in the first place, especially if you have a medical condition. Do you know their reputation? Are you confident in their skill level? Have you seen them play with other people? Are they established in the Community?
I am writing from the perspective of a submissive, but let’s not forget about the other side of the slash. It’s just as important for Dominants to inform their partners regarding any conditions that may affect how they play or things that could cause them real harm in a scene. Just because they are in charge of a scene, does not mean Doms are exempt from informing their sub(s) about something as serious as a medical condition that could affect the scene or the health or safety of either party. A favorite example of mine is: perhaps the Dom is diabetic and this is the first time the two are playing together. It’s impossible to tell by looking at someone if they are diabetic, so it would be necessary for the Dom to disclose this to the sub for many reasons. For example, he may need to take a break during the scene for a snack if his blood sugar is getting low. It’s best for the sub to be aware ahead of time that this may happen, so she is not caught off guard during the scene. What if the sub is bound, and the Dom has a diabetic attack and passes out? The sub needs to be able to respond to this and know what is happening. I realize these situations may sound extreme, but they are completely possible.
Lastly, what if I tell my play partner about my condition, and they are fearful or do not wish to play with me?
It is possible that some people may react this way. However, there are some things you can do to mitigate fear and make all parties more comfortable. Be as open as you comfortably can be about your situation and answer your partner’s questions. Allowing your partner to ask questions during negotiation regarding your limitations and medical issues and giving open, honest answers can go a long way towards making them more comfortable with the situation. Be clear about anything you may need during or after play to insure yours and your partner’s safety. Let your partner know specifically if there is anything they cannot do or anything they need to have on hand that is out of the ordinary for you. Ask your partner if there is anything you can do to ease their mind or make them more comfortable. Remember, you are in this together. Clear, honest communication and a little extra preparation can make all the difference when negotiating a scene involving individuals with any kind of chronic pain or illnesses. Ultimately, you have no control over someone else or how they are going to react. It may be difficult, but if they simply cannot handle the responsibility of playing with someone who has some limitations, it’s best to move on.
Some final thoughts….
Checking in every time you play with someone is always a good idea. Don’t assume that just because you’ve told your partner once about your condition they will remember every time, especially with a newer partner. Also, the sub is just as responsible (or more responsible) as the Dom for checking in and speaking up about how they are feeling and what is going on with them physically and mentally before play. It’s not pushy or controlling to express your needs during the negotiation process and to take care of yourself. You are not “topping from the bottom” or any of those other things outspoken subs are often labeled. Talking about these things is exactly what negotiation is for. It’s a huge red flag if any Dom is not interested in listening to your needs and wants- especially regarding your physical safety.
The sub is also 100% responsible for their own safety during play. Your Dom is incapable of knowing if something he is doing is truly causing you harm. If it is, speak up. Use your safe word or if possible, gently let your Dom know to make a change or adjustment to what he is doing. This does not mean you must stop the scene altogether. This is where the negotiating comes in. Because you have already talked about your illness or limitations, if you make a small request during a scene due to a physical condition or illness, your Dom won’t be surprised. He will be much more aware and receptive to you speaking up. Also, a small adjustment will be much less likely to disrupt the rhythm and energy of the scene if you’re both on the same page.
What are situations, positive or negative, that you have encountered surrounding negotiating a scene involving chronic pain or having to disclose a medical condition to a play partner? I would love to hear your thoughts and perspectives on this topic. Please share in the comments section.
About the Author
When looking for a way to turn what had always been kinky ideas and submissive desires into a tangible reality, blushangel discovered the Los Angeles BDSM Community a little over 2 years ago and has not looked back. Besides exploring kink and submission, her favorite things are yoga, the beach, and incorporating her love of fashion into her fetishes of corsetry, lingerie, and erotic photography.