mistress

Types Of Power Exchange Dynamics

November 4, 2021 By Joji Sada 2 Comments

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I have been known to argue definitions a time or two. I ascribe to the traditional (often referred to as Old Guard) views. However, I am realistic and recognize that as the community grows, becomes more mainstream, and evolves, I am going to meet people who disagree with me.

I love it. I thrive on the intellectual debates and wider viewpoints that other people’s experiences have shaped.

That said, I have been in a debate for near a week now that I thought would interest you. Going forward, I will be discussing types of play that are extremely sensitive in nature and may be triggering to some individuals. Please proceed at your own risk.

The debate started because I was curious about several terms that are commonly used interchangeably. Consensual non-consent, 24/7, Total Power Exchange, and Total Authority Exchange are the terms we will be exploring.

I will revisit my thoughts on these after we lay some groundwork.

Let’s start with the basics: definitions.

Power Exchange: A dynamic between two (or more) individuals in which one (or some) take control of decisions and one (or some) give up control. These dynamics can be romantic, sexual, business like, mental, or even spiritual in nature. Outside of the exchange of control, each is unique to the persons involved.

24/7: This is a PE dynamic that is in effect at all times, even when the Dominant and submissive are not together (i.e. at work, running errands, etc).

It is extremely common for 24/7 to be used interchangeably with Total Power Exchange (TPE).
24/7 is also commonly associated with High Protocol dynamics and the idea of a live-in slave.

While these are both viable examples of 24/7, the actual definition simply means the dynamic is “all the time.” It can be Daddy Dom/little girl, Master/slave, soft/hard Dom/submissive, Sadist/masochist, Handler/pet, and so forth.

Total Power Exchange: A TPE is a dynamic where the submissive has given up all decision-making abilities to the Dominant.

Most often, a TPE is generally used to refer to an M/s dynamic. This is especially true with the online educational communities.
There are debates that those in a TPE dynamic are only “real” if they do not have limits beyond their Masters’, do not use a safeword, and do not work outside the home.
This is also often portrayed as a High Protocol only dynamic.

Total Authority Transfer: A TAT dynamic is one where it is consensually agreed that one person assumes authority and one person yields authority. “Total” signifies that it is a transfer of complete, or near-complete, authority. Although this could be for a predetermined time or indefinite, a “total authority transfer relationship” implies that it is ongoing until consent is withdrawn.

This is a term I was less familiar with and had to research its inherent difference from a TPE. I found the above definition to be the most concise. It was found in the BDSM glossary on Fetlife.
At first read, the two terms do seem very similar. Through research, the difference is the equality of power kept by each person involved. A TPE is a D/s or M/s dynamic where someone gives up their power to make their own decisions. A TAT is an agreement between two individuals where one yields to another’s decisions while still retaining the ability to make opposing decisions if they choose to.
An example of this is what I have with my wife vs. Master. Master makes all the decisions in our relationship. We have a TPE. However, my wife and I have a different relationship.
One example is with money. She has her own money and the power to spend it as she pleases. She is an adult. Through mutual agreement, however, I keep the money in my account, give her an allotment, and approve all non-necessary purchases. She has given me this right because she can be impulsive with money. Another example is medical decisions. She has the right to make her own appointments and keep track of her own meds. She has given me the rights to those decisions for her safety and due to prior trauma, which tends to impede her ability to initiate self-care. She can withdraw the consent at any time and in this, there is no punishment when her decisions do not align with mine. It revolves heavily around communication, understanding, and the ability to explain why I have made the decisions I have made when she does not understand them.
Non-consensual Consent (NonCon/CNC): According to the BDSM Glossary on Fetlife.com, CNC is a “mutual agreement that within defined limits, or subject to a Safeword or other restrictions, and to common sense, consent to activities without foreknowledge of the exact actions planned.”
That is a fancy way of saying “do what you want as long as I haven’t used my safeword and nobody is gravely injured.” At least, that’s how I read it. Essentially, CNC is any play that is not pre-negotiated and involves the illusion of non-consent.
CNC is often tied to edge play. Knife play, gun play, kidnapping roleplay, rape roleplay, race play, home invasion roleplay, medical play and other type of play that has an element of resistance, coercion, or fear. For reactions to be more genuine, most of the scene may be left undiscussed.
CNC in no way means that they do not have the right to Safeword at any time. As with any type of scene, anyone involved has the right to withdraw consent at any point before or during play. You also have the right to refuse aftercare, even if it was previously negotiated.
Personally, I also add the term Dubious Consent (Dubcon). It involves coercion, blackmail, and/or abuse of power roleplay. It could be as simple as pursuing someone consistently, after they have said no, until they give in to your wants. I have this listed because it can be included in some fantasy play. Things like Headmaster/student, Boss/secretary, or Head of Household (HoH)/maid.

That was quite a few definitions we just went through. I am going to give you a moment to breathe now.

Alright, time’s up.

Let’s get into the juicy part of this: the drama

For those of you who haven’t read my articles before, here is some background information. Master and I have been in a TPE for four years, He has collared me, and He has blanket consent from me. Blanket consent means that he can do as he pleases without prior consent, negotiation, or discussion with me. Unless I safeword, he has free reign. I do not claim to be up for anything. There are a minimal number of items on my hard limit list. These hard limits are ones that Master shares. I do not have a soft limit list. If Master chooses to try something, we are going to try it.

Blanket consent, by definition, depicts a CNC mindset. Therefore, I have been told that my relationship is CNC/TPE by several members of a “Traditional BDSM” group I am in. That was the first time I had seen those terms used interchangeably.

**On a side note, the “TNG” group told me the terms were different but that my dynamic was invalid because I do not negotiate nor do I safeword (even if I technically have one). But that’s a different story**

From there, I became extremely curious if this mixing of definitions was common. So, I started asking questions since the varying groups had members from across the United States and extending around the world.

There was a quick divide in opinions. The minority agreed with the statement above; CNC/TPE are the same. But the wider majority disagreed, loudly. The resounding opinion was that CNC applies only to scenes and not to the structure of a dynamic.

Which, honestly, surprised me.

There has always been an underlying teaching (especially in the last ten years or so) that BDSM is unique to each relationship. How it is defined, structured, and lived is up to those involved.

So, why does there continue to be the argument of definition?

It comes down to our experiences. All the definitions I have listed are different. 24/7 is a broad, umbrella term that separates part-time dynamics (weekend, bedroom only, pick-up play, or business transaction—pay for play) from full-time dynamics. The consensus seems to be that 24/7 dynamics must be a live-in dynamic. I do not have as strict a belief of that because there are times I am gone for weeks for work. Master’s rules do not change when I am gone. I work as a service to Him, to help our household thrive. My absence from the house, when necessary, does not put our dynamic on hold.

I was trained in the era listed above, under TPE. “[t]hat those in a TPE dynamic are only “real” if they do not have limits beyond their Masters’, do not use a safeword, are always in High Protocol, and do not work outside the home.” I have learned with Master that the defining factor of our dynamic is the submission to His will. That means that our TPE is not diminished because He requires a safeword. His power does not end when I go to work. The amount of protocol, at any time, is His choice, not mine. Trying to conform to the definitions of the masses undermines His authority. Above all, His word matters most.

By the definition, and examples, I have provided, CNC is typically scene related. I typically consider it an addition to our dynamic because of the blanket consent. If Master wants to lend me out to others, sexually or otherwise, that is his prerogative. If he wishes to enact a CNC style scene, it does not end until He is ready for it to conclude. It is my own thoughts on what submission means that drives these commitments to Him.

Each time these arguments happen, I can see the passion in their own beliefs. I can see the experiences laid bare for all to see. I can see the pain of their failures, the triumph in their growth, the confusion and reflection as they learned about themselves, and I can see their commitment to their lifestyle path.

No one experiences any of that the same way and our experiences create our definitions.

More than likely, the debate on these terms will continue to be a point of contention. The longer we have been involved in the lifestyle, the more rigid our definitions seem to be. But everyday more and more people discover the world of BDSM. With their enthusiasm, they bring their own experiences. With time, they will bring growth and evolution to the traditions we live by. If we fail to balance our traditions and our growth, we risk staying stagnate and losing our lifestyle through exclusivity.

I do not pretend to speak for anyone but myself. I am going to continue to get into discussions, and arguments, with others so I can learn. Master helps me grow in my submission and in my ability to self-reflect. My community (which extends across the world because of the internet) helps me expand my definitions, my thoughts, and, most importantly, my experiences.

My name is Joji. I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42. I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling. I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay. I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning. I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan. I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education). It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement. We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.

What Happened Last Week

October 20, 2021 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all my articles in KinkWeekly!

This week, I decided to share a true story. I often get asked what life is like for my submissive hubby. I’ve talked about his birthday celebrations in the past…days dedicated to tweaking his fantasies for him. But the following happened last week, which is kind of normal for us, and I thought I’d write it down in prose form for my readers.

NOTE: I run the risk of hokey dialog, but I don’t know any other way of depicting what happened. The exact words might not be these, but they do capture the gist – forgive me if it ends up reading like a letter to Penthouse:

I told him to kneel, and he dropped immediately.

I didn’t find his compliance surprising. It was rather expected; the result of 15 days of edging and denial. He was surely aching, although he never would complain. But when I “accidentally” allowed my hand to brush his crotch, his involuntary gasp and sigh gave him away. I could almost see his knees buckle. I figured I might as well help him out.

I knew he was almost at the point of losing reason. I was stretching his self-control – testing his will to remain obedient. Desperation is a regular state of mind for him, so I knew his resolve would win out. Still, this was the perfect time to tighten the noose, so he was going to need to experience how well I understood the condition I was cultivating in him.

To increase desperation, make the sub talk.

“Tell me what you want”, I looked down at him and he averted my gaze. I put my index finger under his chin and lifted his face so I could stare deeply into his eyes. “Tell me what you want. I want to hear it from you”.

“I’d like to please you. Make you scream.”, he said. “Make you scream” is our “lingo” for oral sex. I knew that he was being “good” and making it about me – and I wasn’t going to let him get away with it.

“Is that all?”

“No Goddess. I’d also like to come…please” he closed his eyes.

“Please? Are you begging me?

“Yes, Goddess. Please”

I laughed a bit and played it up: “Do you call that begging? I don’t think you’re serious enough. Maybe you haven’t gone long enough. Maybe a couple of more weeks?” I knew he was truly desperate and that his brain was clearly unable to fathom reason. What a perfect time to make him panic!

“No please…please. I beg of you. I beg you to please let me come. I can’t take any more of this…I mean, I will if you want me to, but please don’t want me to!”

I turned sideways in front of him and lifted the bottom of my blouse from my pants. I watched as his eyes sunk into my backside, loving the sleek look of my leathers. I swear I saw him tremble.

“Kiss my ass while you beg. Maybe I’ll do what you ask!” – I actually do sometimes give him what he wants, so it wasn’t an empty possibility.

He fell into my body immediately. I felt his hands grab my hips and pull his face close to my ass. Then I felt desperate kisses, creating tiny circles on my ass cheeks, moving around until finally his face buried itself into the crack of my ass, pressing against the material of my pants.

I pushed him back. “Where is your discipline? Slow kisses…gently…around my entire ass”. He was going to have to control himself.

He struggled to calm down. When I let him go, I felt his lips press against the cheeks of my ass, giving soft gentle kisses in concentric circles.

“Don’t get my slacks wet!” Always making sure he stayed focused. Give him something else to think about – in this case, keeping his kisses dry. Leather…focus…More desperation.

“Oh…see? You CAN do it!”. I gave him some time to continue his efforts – testing to see if he’d tire. But he continued to gently kiss. I knew he was struggling to keep his composure – binding his own hands behind his back with his will. Exhibiting the self-discipline he knows I demand in hopes of gaining my favor.

As he continued to kiss, I popped my hip out to the side, giving him a nice “S-Curve” to look at. “Tell me what you want, slave”.

Between his kisses, he sputtered, “Please, please…oh God…please, please let me please you!”. He was regaining his rational mind. Trying to position his need in terms that would be about me, rather than his selfish needs. I decided to test that a bit more.

“Rub yourself”, I softly demanded. I heard him moan and shift and play with himself, careful not to break the rhythm of his kisses. “You want to make me come? I might let you do that for me. Would that make you happy?”

“Yes…yes. Please, Goddess. Please”.

I stepped away and slowly turned to face him.

“Look at you! On your knees, playing with yourself like a schoolboy! Don’t forget to play with your balls too…pull them down. Oh, You poor desperate thing. You ARE desperate, aren’t you?”

He was going to have to admit it out loud. His own words are so much more powerful for driving him into his subspace than any others.

“God yes! Please. I beg you! I’m desperate!” His rubbing increased tempo.

“And who made you desperate?”, I prompted his demise.

“You…you made me desperate”

“Me? You allow me to control you like that? Why?”

“Because it pleases you and I’m your slave.”

I chuckled. Then came that perfect moment.

“Please Goddess, may I please stop masturbating – I will come if I continue”

Music to my ears! As instructed, as trained: The “Please Stop Me From Orgasming” rule is always in effect. Even though he so badly wants to come, he exhibited perfect self-control. Rather than begging me to come, he is instructed to beg me NOT to let him…even at his own hand. Total control because it’s all in his mind.

“Yes, slave. You may stop”, I calmly responded.

He let go of himself and slumped forward, catching himself with his hand against the ground. “Thank you, Goddess”

I walked closer to him and straddled his head, squeezing it gently between my legs. “You’re welcome, my pet!” I heard him inhale. I let him stay there for a moment, knowing that the smell of my leather slacks would further drive his journey down. I stepped back.

“Kneel up – hands behind your head”

He assumed the position immediately, breathing heavily. A strand of precome stretched between the tip of his penis and the small puddle on the floor. He was clearly ripe and ready. Poor baby.

I walked over to the couch and motioned for him to crawl to me. I had him take my pants and underwear down while I played with his hair. I let him kiss my belly and slowly work his way down to my pubic bone.

I put my hand on his forehead and pushed it backwards so he was looking up to me. Our eyes locked. “What do you want?” I asked again.

“Oh God, please let me eat you!”, he was delirious, deliciously desperate and perfectly hard.

I sat back on the couch and let him get close to me. I put my legs over his shoulders and shifted upwards towards him.

“Take your time. Serve me well” I instructed.

He was talented at oral sex when I first met him, and has been a very attentive student through the years – a great combination. His only wish is to get as close to perfect for me as he can. I’m more than willing to help him, although I openly admit, there are times when he does things I can’t explain – but want again!

He gave me two orgasms: The first a slow, long, drawn out, warm-me-all-over come; the second far sharper and more sudden. It was all I could do to let him maintain connection when the second one crested.

I looked down at him. He was so content and yet, so wanting. His erection had not faded throughout. I wanted that inside of me.

“Put it in”, I directed. He quickly slid into me. I was so open and ready. He slumped down against my chest, kissing and nuzzling my neck as he thrust against me. We were hitting a rhythm and I could feel his desire. I love that animal drive.

He was getting close, I could feel him swelling inside of me. Then, dutifully, he offered his ultimate submission, yet again: “Please let me stop”, he groaned out.

I considered the moment while he hung on the edge – awaiting permission to not come; I just LOVE that irony. I let him stew for a moment, well-aware that I was playing with fire. I could feel him slow down, just a bit, holding himself just short of going too far, but not wanting to stop without permission. So dutiful a servant, even under such desperate conditions.

“OK…you can stop”, I “relented”.

I could feel him collapse inside. I watched as he delicately and carefully stopped all motion, allowed himself a moment to recompose, and then slowly and carefully, pull himself out.

“And?” I inquired.

“Thank you, Goddess”, he mustered, trying to sound as sincere as possible. I’m sure the word “Bitch” was on his tongue tip at that moment – so I gave him some leeway despite him seeming a bit insincere.

“You’re welcome, puppy!” I rubbed his hair as he slipped down to a low kneel. “You can finish me now”, I leaned back and pulled his head once again to my pussy. He ate me deep and hard, his desperation driving him beyond. “Oh…you serve me SO well, slave”, I gave him encouragement and recognition. He just moaned and delivered. It was heaven.

The final orgasm was another long and warm, full-body toe-curler. By the time we were done, I could tell that he was getting back into full sub-mode; no longer disappointed that he didn’t orgasm, but rather loving the fact that the steady ache in his groin was making his head so much more subby.

It was time to give him a treat – something that he loves that will help him firmly establish his sub space…just for him. For my sub, the best gifts have to do with my feet. I stood up next to him, stepped into a puddle of his precome so that it squished into my toes, and lifted them to his mouth so he could clean them. I repeated the process until all the puddles were just wet-spots. He dove into this task with enthusiasm and gratitude.

When he was done, I stood him up and gave him a big kiss. Then I told him that I was going to take a shower and that he should put on some shorts, run my water, and turn the towel-heater on. Then he could go make dinner.

He thanked me (quite sincerely) and went off to the bathroom.

As I readied myself for my shower, I considered how lucky I am to have such a diligent and devoted submissive. I know he feels lucky too. For him, there’s no telling how many days of this type of close-call T&D I will put him through. Sometimes I let him come right away – other times, this type of “scene” could last weeks. He never knows. Sometimes, I don’t even know until the moment comes.

Last week, he “suffered” for three more days of edging (a total of 18 days), before I finally allowed him to orgasm onto my feet (and eat it up). Then I gave him 10 minutes to recover and then it was a night of massage and service – right back “on the horse” – no slacking off, just because the desperation is gone.

This is our life together. We both couldn’t be happier. I’m glad to share a little episode!

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Being Dominant and Being A Dominant-Worlds Apart

July 23, 2021 By TAC 2 Comments

Woman and man playing domination games in bed together

There have been a rash of questions on our educational sites lately similar to the following, “Can a guy become dominant if it doesn’t naturally come to them?”

It’s a good question but needs more context. Too often we see people confusing the difference between a Top (the dominant role during a scene) and being a Dominant, the head of a power exchange relationship. Through conversation, we often find what they mean, is being a Top.

I wrote about this difference some time ago in a shorter article addressing the difference. In it I wrote this short piece and asked the readers to comment and react:

“Just because my personality is dominant, does not make me a Dominant.

Just because I have self-discipline and a dominant personality, does not mean I am a Dominant, or would even be a good one.

Just because I have a submissive, does not mean I am a Dominant.

All of these things are pieces and parts brought together by will, intelligence, need, diligence, consistency, integrity, self-motivation, selflessness and selfishness, and the ability to bond deeply with another person through the development of trust and the vulnerability of emotional connection. Using all of the aforementioned to develop a skill set which enables a person to show they are able to take on the committed role and can be trusted. Giving the submissive an opportunity to be as the title implies.

It is a web of factors which takes time, patience, practice, and guidance to form a larger whole.

Anyone can call themselves anything, but until they realize it is much more than any one or two things culminating in being a Dominant, they will only ever be dominant. There is a difference.”

All Hell Broke Loose

As you can imagine, there were some very strong opinions which came out of this conversation. Everything from dominants are born not made, dominants can be made even if they never leaned that way before etc. etc. It seemed like everyone had an opinion as to how someone inclined becomes properly a Dominant.

Lacking was discussion on what might actually contribute to someone being a successful dominant. Out of the hundred or so replies there were exactly zero about a dominant’s make up, only argument about what was properly a Dominant or not. It was at the very least disheartening.

It was then I determined to write about what, in my opinion, really contributed to being a Dominant, not merely dominance. It wound up being 14 articles, with the Dominant’s Creed as its basis to give readers a baseline to follow. Some of that I am regurgitating here in this piece.

At the Center

I think nothing happens in this lifestyle which does not include the core of a person. Who they are underneath it all. Stripping away the façade of titles, costumes, toys, and the persona they may put on for others. In the end, whether they have a chance to be successful rests with them being a good person or not. Nothing more complicated than that. Regardless of the type of dynamic there are some commonalities which allow us to be that which we seek in kink.

Integrity and honesty, empathy and compassion, maturity and thoughtfulness, self-confidence and self-awareness, internal drive and motivation are among the many traits combined into a successful cocktail which enables others to see us as a potential Dominant. Because without a sub-type who wants our dominance, what good is it. First, they need to say yes.

Without that initial spark to which they are attracted in that submissive way, we are a rowboat without paddles.

If we happen to fake the funk and get someone to accept us and we are not a good person? Eventually it is going to melt down. People will get hurt emotionally, and possibly physically. The relationship will end simply because we have not taken the time to work on ourselves and become prepared to be that Dominant.

Sure there are plenty of submissives out there who could spell disaster for us because they may not be a good person. However, we are not in control of them, only ourselves. There is not point in duping someone, or waiting till after a relationship is established to get ourselves squared away.

So We Find a Submissive

Great, now what? As I stated in the first portion of this article there is so much more than just being in that relationship. It takes effort and commitment. A whole lot more talking going on than playing, or at least there should be in my opinion. How can we be an effective Dominant to someone if we do not know them well?

I am not just talking about what they do for work, or if they have kids, or the hobbies they like. We need to dig deep into who this person is and why they are who they are. And they us. At a brutal level of honesty. This is going to be the lever that allows us to appreciate them as a person. Be accepting of the bad, not just the good. To see past the front we all put up in a new relationship because we all want to put our best foot forward.

This willingness to learn our partner in an emotionally intimate way speaks of our ability to be empathic and compassionate. Two of our greatest and most used tools as Dominants. They council us to listen more than speak, to ask probing questions, and to really hear and understand our partner. Without this, we step on many more landmines than necessary.

No, Simply Demanding it Does Not Mean You’ll Get It

Even if we are a good person and have managed to find a submissive who is committed to us, we cannot be jerks about it, if we want it to last. Way back when dirt was invented and I was a new dominant, I thought that was the way it was supposed to work. I quickly found out otherwise to my shame and embarrassment.

There is a duty of care and responsibility which comes with being a Dominant. That we first are looking out for the best interest of our submissive. Even as a Master, we have to be careful of this, even more so as a committed slave is less likely to come to their own defense in many cases, unless the situation is dire. This is not possible without having developed a deep understanding of our sub-type.

They are placing their trust in us to lead them in a way which not only fulfills our desires but helps them grow and fulfills theirs. If all we are is a machine which compels compliance without thought to the impact on our charge, the chances of the dynamic lasting long or very small.

Creating a Gravitational Pull

The moon stays in orbit around Earth because of the gravity it exerts. Similarly, being that good person at our core helps us create an emotional gravity which captures our submissive and keeps them in our orbit. It allows them to open up to us, in turn, freeing us to be that Dominant they desire. I say freeing because without that pull, everything becomes a struggle where we are having to work to keep them enthralled and interested.

The dynamic becomes work, like the kind we do not appreciate so much. Not to be confused with the effort it takes to maintain a healthy relationship.

It also frees our submissive to be accepting of our dominance. They can begin to and continue to trust us because they have learned we are a person worth trusting. Sure we have to do much more than just be a good and decent person. But it is a beginning worth striving for, and one which becomes foundational for a long-term commitment.

The Goal

I think most of us want to have that stability in our relationships, even if they are not romantic. The purpose driven commitment to and of another person bringing a constant into our universe to look forward to, cherish, and rely upon in good times and bad.

Is not this the hub on which all else turns? Our ability to maintain a healthy relationship with another person? To do that, to build that, we need to work on ourselves first.

Realizing to become a Dominant, we must master ourselves first. If we do not, we will only ever be dominant.

If you are interested in the Dominant’s Creed articles I mentioned earlier in this writing visit this link to my page on FetLife – TAC_1’s Writings | FetLife

The Power Of Choice In Power Exchange

July 15, 2021 By Joji Sada 2 Comments

Shibari male submissive bound — via stock.adobe.com

Submission is a choice. Every aspect of the power we hand over to another individual is a daisy chain of choices. I have always been transparent about the struggles I had in learning how to make those choices.

I chose to offer Him my submission and He rejected me.

I chose to offer it a second time and He took me under consideration.

I chose when to kneel. I chose when to call Him Sir and once again when to call Him Master. I chose when to crawl.

And I chose when to finally let go.

As I write this, I understand that to the naked eye, it seems as though I had all the power. And we all know how I feel about that saying.

What I am trying to do is highlight the slow decent into complete acceptance. He has a considerable amount of patience. He pushed me by setting His expectations a notch higher than I thought I could achieve.

Every. Single. Time.

By turning me down, He verified I had an honest desire to serve Him and the determination to address things that make me uncomfortable.

By letting me kneel at my pace, He could see that understanding dawn in my eyes when I finally accepted the desires I spoke about.

By allowing me to choose how to address Him, He guaranteed my service was sincere and natural.

By waiting for me to crawl, He watched me finally comprehend that my discomfort is secondary to His pleasure.

In a profoundly silent style, He taught me how to sink into my submission and wrap it around me like a warm cloak of spirituality.

Each of these led to my final choice: to offer Him a Total Power Exchange. He would (and does) own my body, my mind, and my soul. At this point in O/our dynamic, my limits are His limits.

Now, the reason I am laying this out, is because you need to understand the building blocks of our dynamic before I tell you the final step of His “training” process.

Once I reached the point of complete acceptance, He pointed out the most important part of what I had learned. I had learned to anticipate His needs, and, by default, my own. During my efforts to figure out my own wants and needs, I had started subconsciously seeking his approval. I had, without realizing it, had taken the service aspect to heart. My happiness came from my ability to make His life easier. It was (and still is) my mission to recognize and provide everything He desires without Him ever saying a word.

Only once I reached the point of anticipating His thoughts (as much as submissive can anticipate the thoughts of a Sadist) were we able to delve into O/our favorite part of BDSM.

Now the fun part.

I am going to ask you to define Mental Bondage.

I know, without ever hearing the answers, that each of you gave me a different definition.

Here’s why:

If you type Mental Bondage into Google (without any other code words), you will get two types of answers. The first is religious. They refer to mental bondage as the inability to see, feel, or understand the spirit of God. The second is a warning against domestic abuse. Mental bondage, in that capacity, refers to the inability to break the cycle of abuse and recognize the trauma being experienced.

If those aren’t vastly different ends of the spectrum, I don’t know what is.

If you change your search to “BDSM Mental Bondage,” the answers move to kink related themes.

1) The first answer is sexual hypnosis. Sexual Hypnosis, also called Erotic Hypnosis, is the use of hypnosis to elicit a particular set of sexual or sensual responses. It can be used to force orgasms, increase sensitivity to touch, or implement trigger words that can sink someone into sub space. While it is not my kink (mostly because attempted hypnosis just triggers my narcolepsy), I did take a class on it at one time out of curiosity. For those who can use hypnosis in (or as) their kink, it is amazing to see the sensuality of it. I have a friend who partakes, and she keeps her trigger word private because it will turn her extremely primal. I was able to watch her play with Master one time where she wanted to have her word used in conjunction with electricity. It was…quite the scene.

2) The second answer you will see is a reference to positional training. This most often references the Gorean slave positions or submissive training poses. I make the distinction between these because while some of the poses overlap, they are two separate sets of positions and commands to learn. There are three common languages used to give the commands. The first is English, and most commonly coincides with submissive training poses. The second is German, akin to the same words used to train dogs (and I may or may not have managed to surprise Master when I responded to them). I have seen this one used in more High Protocol settings, and more often used with slaves. The last is the common tongue of Gor. These are the terms (and definitions) outlined in the Gor Series (written by John Norman). These books are the foundations of the Gorean lifestyle.

The reason positional training falls under Mental Bondage is because the learning of these positions becomes second nature to the submissive and often can sink them into a particular mindset, depending on the position used. This is especially true with the Gorean positions. For example, the position “Bracelets” is used to put slave bracelets on so the slave may be chained. “Leasha (Leash)” is the position used to attach a leash to the slave.

If you have been in either of those positions (formally or just in play), they are vastly different mindsets.

3) The third most common answer revolves around 24/7 dynamics. It is the commitment of a submissive to the rules laid out by their Dominant. Think about it. Do your rules dictate what you eat, what you wear, or what you can say? Are you required to answer questions with a particular honorific or in a certain way?

All of these are forms of mental bondage. You are bound to a strict set of expectation that you are only released from at your Dominant’s discretion. It is an invisible version of bondage. It is much like being bound with rope and only being freed once your Dominant desires it.

While there are quite a few other definitions, the ones listed above are the most commonly agreed upon within the vast online BDSM community.

Then there is U/us.

While we do use aspects of the previous mentioned definitions, we have developed O/our own version of Mental Bondage.

Mental Bondage, in my experience, is the adherence to protocols, orders, and positions that have only been anticipated (and never verbally directed) with the expectation of correction if the submissive is wrong.

Sounds scary, huh?

To me, it sounds deliciously fearsome. Which is why Mental Bondage is my kink.

O/our version of Mental Bondage does have a component of Consensual Non-Consent (CNC). The expectations laid upon me change each time we play. As mentioned, many times before, I do not know what is going to happen until it happens.

One example of Mental Bondage is “the waiting game.”

When Master has decided it is time to scene, I am sent down to my room to wait for Him. He never states how I am to wait. The only consistent is the fact that I kneel. Sometimes I am naked and other times I am dressed. Sometimes I am in Nadu pose. Other times I kneel at the edge of the bed, my forehead to the mattress, my arms extended out above my head. The pose depends on what I have anticipated He wants me to do.

Unfortunately for me, W/we like to combine Mental Fuckery and Mental Bondage, so I am only right about 20% of the time.

Another one of Master’s favorite expressions of mental bondage occurs during impact play. Sadomasochism is a heavy part of our play. This means that we play for short amounts of time at a high intensity with little warm-up or cool down. I have been bucked off a spanking bench and a barrel from the force of the impact.

Do you know what happens when I break position?

I pick myself up and move back into position. He never breaks posture, nor does He speak. He knows that once I am in a position, I will hold it until His direction changes. He expects me to hold myself in a way where He can reach as much of my body as physically possible.

While He refuses to admit to me that He enjoys watching me struggle, I can see it clearly on His face. Watching my legs tremble beneath me, hearing me sob as I try to continually hold my body against the force of impact, and ultimately watching me collapse brings a sinister grin to His face.

Rope has been used only one time during the length of O/our dynamic. Metal cuffs have been used three times, and I can count the number of times my leather cuffs have been used on one hand. Outside of those instances, all of the bondage I am subjected to is mental.

In my experience, Mental Bondage brings me a sense of accomplishment. Knowing that I am pushing my body to the edge to hold a position for longer periods of time, simply because He wants me to, is rewarding.

It also gives me a focus point. Master does not like to keep the same rhythm during play. Doing so would allow me to push out the pain. He wants me to feel it, to experience it in the moment, and to push through it. Repetitive motion, like a flogging, can allow a submissive to sink into a meditative state to push their pain threshold. He expects me to push through it through an active choice to continue (through the withholding of my safeword).

I have the choice to put myself back into position.

I have the choice to stop experiencing the pain and the pleasure.

I even have the choice to break the invisible hold of mental bondage by using my safeword.

After all, there is nothing physically stopping me.

It is my honor as a submissive that bound me to Master. It is my desire to serve and please Him. It comes down to the moment I gave Him power over me.

The moment I gave Him my power to choose.

Living in a 24/7 TPE Dynamic

July 5, 2021 By SafferMaster 4 Comments

I live with my collared slut. She and I have a 24/7 Total Power Exchange (TPE). This means that at all times she chooses to submit to me. Our dynamic is sex forward. So, one aspect of our dynamic is that at any time, I am free to use her sexually. Our dynamic is kink forward as well. What this means is that at any time, I am free to do anything I wish to her in any kink context that I choose. Naturally, she is not a slave, and she has agency, and she has given me her consent. Naturally, I would never do anything to her or with her that ignored or violated her hard limits. I say “naturally” because all kink dynamics are based on trust.

When I made the choice to seek a submissive partner to live in a 24/7 TPE, I did so after exploring a wide range of kink scenes with an array of submissive women. While I was quite happy with the kink, the sex itself was unfulfilling and I became present to the fact that for me, what was missing was the intimacy of romantic partnership. In my exploration of kink, I learned some things about myself. What sort of fetishes I had and which ones I wanted to explore further and so when I began my search, I had a list of “must haves” and list of “I’d like to have” considerations.

For example, I knew that I was seeking an obedient submissive masochist who was herself seeking a 24/7 TPE. She needed to into or at least open to my entire fetish list. That was the start of the adventure.

I wrote a “seeking post” that posted in all the personal’s on Fetlife in the local and nearby cities. Almost immediately, I received many inquiries from women and I met a few of them. One woman in particular got my attention. Her questions seemed genuine and her curiosity authentic. We messaged for months, spoke once or twice and then, I gave her a task to assess both her obedience and masochism. What I did was I asked her to attempt to orgasm with ginger in her ass. It was smore than that, but that was the gist of it. Not only did she do so, but she orgasmed 3 times and then she sat in a Nadu pose with the ginger inserted and experienced an out of body moment. That task had me anxious to meet her.

We met in person at a restaurant and in the very first moments of our meeting, she made the choice to submit to me. Before we even spoke. My dominant nature, my way of being, my pheromones, whatever, something in her was triggered and she chose me to gift herself to.

Over the next few months, she worked to get complete in her separation and file for divorce (something that was occurring regardless of my interactions with her. Eventually, when she had taken steps to formally separate, she put herself forward to be claimed.

In claiming her, I would mark her inside and out as my own submissive. We had talked about this, and it took courage to put herself as a new kinkster, in the hands of a sadist. The Claiming Ceremony involved being chained, marked with a cane, having me piss in her ass and down her throat.

That began a journey of exploration as we explored many different scenes and kinks of a wide variety of alternatives, to get our kink in alignment. She is very obedient and she does everything I ask. Then after we play, we debrief and we assess if we should do that again, more intensely, less intensely or not at all.

Communication in a kink dynamic is probably the most important aspect of our kink and, in truth, you could say that our favorite fetish is communication. You would not be wrong. I’ll say one important thing about communication between a Dom and a sub. There are times when we need to set aside our dynamic and talk as equals. This is important because as I noted at the outset, she has agency.

Before long, she moved in with me and we started to explore living together in a kink dynamic. Not long after that, we started talking about collaring her. We made the choice to delay the collaring itself until she had created the space she needed to create a new relationship by getting complete with her divorce. This is an important consideration. In order to be able to commit herself to me, she needed to be divorced completely. I needed her to be able to give me her full attention, and with the background noise of an ongoing divorce she did not have the mindset nor the space to put her attention on something brand new. And as soon as her divorce was done and she was complete, we began to plan her collaring ceremony in earnest.

We took collaring seriously. We wrote our statements out so we would not forget what we wanted to say and she kneeled in a circle of candle lights and white rose petals as we started the ceremony by being with each other. We sat there staring into each other’s eyes, silently, or perhaps 5 minutes. We said what there was to say and then we created an intense and prolonged scene to mark the occasion.

It was a beautiful private ceremony that bound us in our kink.

What has happened since then is that we have become closer, more connected and more aligned than ever.

The best aspect of being in a kink dynamic is what we call “The Rabbit Hole”. Why kink is like a rabbit hole is that it takes twists and turns and we discover new things about ourselves and each other. One example is the time I made the choice to give her a daily maintenance spanking. This occurred because I noticed that as the week passed after our weekend marking sessions, she became “out of sorts” and it was clear that she was in a great mood after being marked. And while she put herself forward to be spanked as instructed, what came out of that was unexpected. We used the experience to try different implements on her and she found that with the heavy flogger, somewhere around 150 strokes, she started to have orgasms and experience the flogging as electrical energy. We have experimented with over 1000 strokes, which she loved. This was completely unexpected. Another example is the time I put her in chastity for a month and we only explored anal sex. She discovered her ass as a sex organ – eating her ass gives her orgasms. That was unexpected.

My point is that in the rabbit hole, the twists and turns are surprising and its super fun to have a partner with whom that exploration is occurring.

So what makes our dynamic work? First, we subscribe to a few principles:

– There is nothing wrong.

– We are both 100% responsible.

– We are in communication.

– Trust is present.

There is one other thing. She is incredibly obedient. I find her obedience a turn on. She adheres to protocols with a religious fervor. I love it.

Now a few words on the principles we adhere to. When we say “there is nothing wrong” it is not to dismiss her point of view or her complaint or mine, it’s a recognition that as human beings, we make meaning out of things we do not completely understand. It’s a function of being human. What there is to deal with is “what’s so” about a thing. That keeps us from escalating moments in a negative direction. Second, we both take full responsibility to keep the dynamic alive and well. Its not a 50/50 deal at all. Its 100%/0%. And we talk. We talk so often about so many aspects about our dynamic that we started the podcast Kinky Cocktail Hour. And most important, trust really is present. She trust me to use her hard and not break her. She trusts me to love her and care for her and I trust her to do the same. Intimacy is present.

Our dynamic works because we are committed and not attached to the dynamic and we go with the ebbs and flows of our desires and demands. As the Dom, it is my responsibility to read her. To gauge her energy and her mindset. We have sexualized her completely. She experiences herself as a very sexy creature And she is perfectly suited to be my personal slut. The result is that our sex is lava hot. I would say conservatively, that in the 3 years we have been together, we have had sex over 1,000 times, each time being the hottest sex ever. She always presents herself to be used and it starts there. Lately, we are employing hypnosis to move her into a trance state more quickly and I am training her to experience deep throat fucking as orgasmic. It’s hot.

Writing this has caused me to send her a message that I am going to use her hard when she gets home from work, and I am going to “fuck her silly”. Because our sexuality is wrapped up in kink, this means that she will get flogged and fucked today. Her response? “Mmmmmm…Very, Very HOT!!”. Then she sent me this text:

“Verfreude”

The German word Vorfreude is unique and has no English equivalent. It comes from the words vor (“before”) and Freude (“joy”) and means something along the lines of “joyful anticipation.” Vorfreude is the joy you experience while you are looking forward to something.

Germans often say: “Vorfreude ist die schönste Freude” which means “anticipation is the greatest joy”.

I have Verfreude too.

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching options.

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com

New coaching content can be found on our Patreon:

https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky Cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast platforms and here: https://kinkycocktailhour.buzzsprout.com/

Queen vs. Warden

June 24, 2021 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

Today, I’d like to address a subject that’s been mentioned in passing in a few of my articles and books: The difference between being an enforcer and of being a leader.

The examples I’d like to use for this discussion, are the Warden of a prison versus the Queen of a land.

Both positions have “constituents” – those that reside in the area over which they have authority. Both have the authority to set rules and procedures for those constituents. Both have power to rule, somewhat unilaterally. Both have the right to enforce their will. Both are in positions of superiority.

Of course, there are a number of differences:

The Warden’s constituency is not present by choice. They are incarcerated and restricted. The warden is feared. There is no personal relationship with the warden; interaction is limited to compliance with strict and granular rules that impact every moment of every day. Compliance is not a choice, it is mandatory – and failure to comply has severe punitive consequence. They are counting the days until they can get out.

The Queen’s constituency are members by choice. They are voluntarily citizens unless they no longer want/need the protections / benefits of the land. The Queen is revered and honored. She is worshiped and adored. She is the leader of the land. Her rules are somewhat generic; providing an overarching framework of culture and order, under which the citizens adapt for their specific lives. For the most part, participation in the regulations provide a level of freedom within that framework. Of course, repeated failure to comply to the regulations may result in banishment from the land or being turned over to … the warden, but for the most part, the constituents are governed by their desire to provide for the queen in their deed and intent.

Much of the literature surrounding BDSM and D/s fantasies, and consequently, many of those who approach me for advice or contact, approach dominance as a position of enforcement. Of course, there is a bit of a façade that gets played: When referring to dominants, they use words like “reverence” and “worship” – vernacular that would have you believe the dominant is a queen, but when you actually look at the nature of the imagery and understand the demands of the fantasy, you see that the role being described most resembles that of the warden.

Many submissivess are looking to be made captive. The fantasy is to be trapped, as if against one’s will, under the authoritative and restrictive rule of the dominant. There is usually an elaborate storyline that creates servitude – blackmail, disclosure, loss of bets, indenture – so that compliance to a strict rule is assured. Every movement curtailed; every decision made for them. When to eat, when to sleep, where to go, what to do. Enforcement is immediate and punitively consequential. The dominant is an enforcer: The “doer”; the active role. Obedience is driven through fear of consequence. All of this is necessary to make the façade feel real.

For most of the dominants I know, playing the role of warden can be fun and enjoyable – as a role. However, being the warden day in and day out runs counter to what they’re looking for in their relationships – and can be a lot of work! Most enjoy the feeling of being revered, worshiped, and adored. They want to set generic rules and structure, and not have to threaten or beat their submissives into compliance. In my vernacular, they prefer “submission” to “acquiescence” …the difference being that submission is driven by a desire to serve, whereas acquiescence is compliance driven by a desire to avoid consequence.

The conflict this establishes can take a toll on relationships. A person who is looking to establish a power dynamic using words like “worship” and “reverence”, is setting up an expectation that isn’t met (for most) by the imagery of the warden. Sometimes that dichotomy is realized very late in the dynamic’s development and can lead to all sorts of issues. If someone wants a warden, they need to be up-front about it. This is not just a porn issue (although porn tends to present the imagery of the warden in the guise of a full-time relationship – and for someone whose only exposure to power dynamics is through porn, that can be damaging), this is a communications issue. Talk about what you want. Define submission. Define dominance. Agree on your terms before you dive into the dynamic.

For me, I am my submissive’s queen. They operate within the guidelines I present – my preferences and expectations…the things that make me happy. They live within the purview of my land for as long as they want to. They are neither forced to comply, nor are they trapped against their will. They opt to serve me, each and every day they stay here. They are the “doers”; actively working to fulfill their role within the structure. They are citizens of my land; knights; valued contributors to my domain.

The Tao of Being A Slave

June 17, 2021 By TAC Leave a Comment

sexy, muscular, male submissive bound — via stock.adobe.com

Tao means a road, path, way; and also, the way in which one does something; method, doctrine, and principle. It speaks to ourselves, the path on which we walk, and how we walk it.

No two slave’s journeys are the same. However most have milestones along the road. Points in time which become defining to our existence.

This series of short vignettes is meant to describe these turning points from a Master’s perspective. In the moment and outlining what the crux of each milestone might be.

So You Want to Serve…..

You may believe in your heart of hearts you are committed. We’ll see if that changes in two days, two weeks, two months……. two years from now.

It is not enough to willingly place your head in the harness. To go about your daily tasks without question. You will learn the difference between serving and being In Service To.

Once the later becomes clear to you, then and only then will you be able to make an informed decision. To say without reserve, “I stay with a willing heart.”

To be slave, is to be all and nothing. So encompassed in the art of service the person and the act become indistinguishable. The acts, each one, are their new fingerprint. Exactly how a sugar bowl is placed on a tea tray. The care shown in the details when laying out their Master’s clothing. Finding fulfillment, in the seemingly mundane.

Most cannot allow their “vessel” to become empty enough making room for the thousands of details.

Those who know, understand the collar is a symbol to show those who do not understand a glimpse of what could be, the only allowance of overt pride, and a promise said two ways. Those who truly want to become, may never notice your collar, only how brightly your flame outshines all around you.

Other….. More…… Slave

(We do not always really want what we wish for. Often, we do not understand what it is we are getting ourselves into. Until we do. Starting a journey, we are wide eyed. Sometime later though, we begin to face other thoughts.)

If You Stay…..

I can promise you this-

I will always keep your best interest in mind.

You will not always agree with me on how I go about that. In fact there may be times you are frustrated and angry with me.

If You Stay….

I cannot guarantee a month or a year from now you will be satisfied. That is a mystery for you to solve. I can only lay the path. How you perceive it, I have no control over.

If You Stay….

The work will be hard, mentally and physically. Sometimes monotonous. The point of each exercise will not always be obvious. But that is often the point of it. For you to find it.

If You Stay….

You may find eventually that this is not for you or that I am not the right One for you. That does not equate to wasted time, just time you spent preparing for the One who is for you.

If…. You….. Stay…..

We will be able to look back and find many moments which made it all worth the effort. Places in time where epiphanies happened, joy was found, and sorrows overcome.

The road you are choosing is a rocky one not because I have put boulders in the path, but because we all have ourselves to master, a self-perception which weighs us down, and a history which can haunt us.

Being free of those chains is what I have to offer.

If You Stay

(There is a gut check sometime early in every great endeavor. A moment when we realize that what we face may be bigger than we are prepared for. That success, no matter how hard we work for it, is not guaranteed. It is at that point we must make a decision, a leap of faith, with the understanding that what we learn from it, regardless of outcome is worth it. If we are willing to take the risk.)

This is not training……

Training is such an oversimplification of what you will experience. I can train a dog to fetch. I can train a person to write. You will be led to think and process differently.

I will challenge your self-perception, your perception of others, and your perception of the world around you. Not to make you a doll, but to help you be more resilient, powerful, the calm at the center of the storm.

You will learn to maintain a singular focus in spite of the chaos around you. A mindful razor-sharp clarity that allows you to see what may have been hidden from you before.

Not erasing you, or replacing you, but building a fortress around you. So the slings and arrows of life are much less concerning. Outwardly a blade of grass swaying in the wind. Inwardly a mountain of granite. Immeasurable. Immovable. Timeless.

You will always have a choice. Comply or do not comply. Each has its consequence. Good and bad. You will be measured by your choices, not just your deeds. Strive to choose wisely at every turn.

To do this you must become a scholar of yourself, of those around you, and of those that came before both of us. Setting conventional expectation aside in favor of writing a new book.

Be thoughtful, critical, and ethical. Logic alone will not serve you well. Let your intellect temper your heart’s lead. Calculated risk vs. wild abandon.

I do not seek to train you.

I seek the best version of you, and through you the best version of me.

(Becoming a better person, a better version of ourselves, is not about the physical. It is mental. A change in the way we view ourselves and how we fit into the world around us. A shift in self perception which allows us to appreciate ourselves more and rely on the praise of others less. Freeing us to be our best.)

Now You Know…..

Three months since you have come into my fold…… now you know it is not all fun and games. Good times yes, but also stressful ones. The time you have spent looking inward far outweighs all else.

What have you learned?

Did you just bow your head, grit your teeth, and power through it? If so then you have learned nothing other than you can survive.

I want you to thrive! The only way to do that is to fully embrace what you have chosen. Immerse yourself in it. Leave nothing on the field at the end of each day.

If your plan is to survive the next three months, leave now, this is not for you and I have nothing to teach you.

If you want to thrive, open yourself up to the possibility that you are enough. It’s just a matter of unlocking the right doors.

There will be many nights you will go to bed doubting yourself. Resist doing so. Set that doubt aside and review your goals. Self-doubt allows for the possibility of overall failure. Focus your mind on success.

You will have small failures along the way. This does not mean you have failed but been provided the opportunity to become better. Do not pass them by.

Three months in…. is just barely scratching the surface.

Consider this before deciding to stay or go for the next three…..

Anyone can survive….. it takes courage to thrive.

(When we keep our heads down and keep digging, we fail to see the mountain we build in our own path. We have not confronted our own failings and misgivings as each one pops up but consolidated them together. Creating a much more difficult barrier to overcome. Thriving means not just doing well but living well. Part of that is confronting difficult issues as they arise, not putting them off for another day.)

It’s OK to Smile…….

I saw you standing next to the counter. Watching you prepare the tray. Carefully arranging everything and looking at it from one side then another.

Then something happened. The corner of your lips slowly moved upward with a nod of your head. A hundred or more times you have set that tray to have me send it back or correct something. This time you looked sure of yourself.

When you brought the tray setting it carefully on the table next to my chair you waited as you always do. However, this time, I could feel the tension in your muscles coiling, in anticipation of my glance toward it.

Lowering my book slightly I quickly surveyed the lacquered wood and its contents stating it was, “good.” The relief emanated from you in waves.

“Tomorrow, add toast. Lightly done. One slice, wheat. Buttered on one side. Not soggy. One teaspoon of strawberry jam in the center.” I instructed to you as I looked over the edge of my glasses.

The mixture of success of coffee service and dread apparent from the addition to the task showed on you even though your expression never changed. “Thank you, Sir. Yes Sir.”

“It’s OK to smile,” I mentioned. “You did well, the tray is correct. Your reward is you get to add toast to the service. Which I do enjoy.”

It is OK to smile, to feel pride at something done well. Each time you succeed, something more will be given to you. Another detail in which you can find pride and success.

If I did not think you worthy or capable, I would not have added the toast.

Smile…….

(We have all had one thing in our lives that no matter how hard we tried, we could never seem to get it right. We banged our head against the wall for what seemed like an eternity. Then one day, something just changed. We shifted how we thought about the problem and the solution became clear. It is in these moments we learn the most about ourselves. That we are capable. This is not the time to rest on our success but to reach for the next goal. Seize the momentum and let it carry us forward.)

Introductions……

You have earned this night.

Tonight, you will be introduced to many people you already know. Yet, as something more than what they have known you to be. The beginning of a new evolution. No longer just, “her,” or a slave in training. But as slave.

Tonight, you will get to show all those around you just how much you have learned both in service and on the post.

After tonight, they will look at you differently. Speak to you differently. Know you differently.

Debutantes attend balls to be shown to society and given the chance for others to see how well heeled they are. Similarly, you will have the chance to show the community what a good student you have been. Etiquette, personal presentation, service, and poise. All will be watching to see if I have done my part well.

Tonight, you represent me, as well as yourself. All that we have accomplished together over the last year comes together tonight. At one dinner. In service to this House, and to me.

You have this in you, you always have. Trust in yourself.

After tonight, you will see yourself differently. For good or ill it will change your impression of yourself. Take from it the positive you gain. It is a challenge, one not easily met for the first time, but not impossible.

Do well, earn your chair.

(There are very few seminal events in our lives. Moments which forever influence our view of our world and change our actions as a result of it. When they do happen, the lessons we take from them are entirely up to us. Even in abject failure we can find motivation to improve and move forward. Some fold in adversity and leave behind that which they strived for. Other succeed in the moment, only to stall out. Hanging their hat on one moment as the pinnacle to never achieve anything greater. In everything there is a choice. The trick is to choose wisely.)

Remember Where You Came From…..

Soon you will be making a choice regarding your place in this House. Before you do, you need to remember what came before this place.

Take two weeks, hell, take a month. Go visit family and friends. Inspect old haunts and relive some of who you were before you met me.

Not to say goodbye, but to remember. To feel what it was like before slave. Before Service.

When you first came here, I presented you a choice to stay or go. That choice has always been on the table. Everyday like a giant wide open barn door to the rest of the world. All you had to do was step through it. Yet you stayed, no matter how hard it became.

This time it is not a choice. You must go, for a time.

Reconnect with people you may have lost touch with. Live normal things. Some of it will feel very strange to you. Some people, even though lifelong friends, may make you uncomfortable.

Answer their questions. Fully and honestly. You can say anything you like, including about me.

Do not be angry or frustrated with them if they do not understand. How could they? I said in the beginning I would lead you to view yourself, others, and the world around you differently. So you do. But they, do not.

This is not to say goodbye to those you love or the life you have lived. It is to remember, so you can make the right choice for yourself. That cannot be done here under my, and others, watchful eyes. It must be done, on your own.

When you return, I will ask you one last time.

In the meantime……remember.

(To know where we are, we have to know where we came from. Memories fade. Sometimes this is good, sometimes bad. In either case refreshing those memories helps us appreciate the progress we have made in our lives. Helps us look at the triumphs and failures more clearly so we can plot the path we have walked with clarity. How can we know the next step is right for us, if we do not understand the steps we have taken?)

Turning Point……

Tomorrow is the day. Tonight, we eat, laugh, and play!

Tomorrow you will stand before the house and recite what is required. What you know to be true.

Tomorrow you will state your desire in response to a question you have been asked many times.

“Stay or go?”

There is no right or wrong answer, only what you will. What you feel is right in your heart and best for you.

Do not be tempted to tell me now. I can see the want furling in your brow. Keep your council for the morning.

Whichever you choose, I am proud of you. You have worked hard, learned much, and been willing to grow. Grow you have. From a shy unsure wall flower into the center of a hurricane. Calm. Surrounded by a current so strong your movement ensures the attention of all around you.

Whatever you do, I can only believe you will find success. You have learned that to try invites failure, but that failure is not the end. Only another chance to prevail. You have found an inner strength which allows you to stand in the middle of chaos and be confident you will find a way.

Wherever you go, rest easy knowing you have friends who will understand your heart. They may not always be easy to find, but they are there if you are willing to look for them. Others with an uncommon will and drive; compassion and loyalty; strength and passion for life and those they surround themselves with.

Enough of an old man’s sappy musings. Food and friends await.

Tomorrow is your day.

Erotica: The Master and The Monster

June 9, 2021 By Joji Sada 6 Comments

sexy Asian slave bound — via stock.adobe.com

**This story contains depictions of edge play in the forms of electricity, knives, blood, and implied consent/CNC. The implied consent is based on the Total Power Exchange of an M/s dynamic. It also references past trauma as experienced by the slave who tells this tale**

I am often overlooked down here as I sit quietly at Master’s feet. There is a thick leather collar around my neck and a steel band, around my thigh, whose chain is secured to an eyebolt in the floor. It keeps me in place while still allowing me a moderate amount of movement. But Master always leaves my arms free. He has done so since the first time someone felt it right to attack his property.

Since then, he has also kept my mouth covered with black cloth when I am not by his side.

You see, I scare people. Or so I have been told.

My previous Master had a sick sense of humor. He liked to play with his toys until they were broken. And if he twisted us enough, he was sure no one would take us.

I am one of the lucky ones. I bare the fewest scars, but I look the most fearsome.

There is a deep cut from my forehead, through my right eye, and down past my ear. He took my sight on that side with a single whiplash. He had my teeth sharpened to points. I’ve been told that when I smile, its horrific. There are slices down my back from when he played too rough while he was drinking, and a couple burns on my right thigh. But it is my face that keeps people away.

I am used to it now. I don’t speak anymore unless Master asks me a question. I don’t dream. I don’t ask for anything and I never allow myself to crave anything.

I simply exist.

I exist for Master’s pleasure.

The taste of blood is frequent, even after all these years. I constantly swipe my tongue over my teeth and they nick it in protest. I find it soothing. It reminds me of meeting an old friend.

Master is too kind. He treats me delicately. He holds back.

It…hurts.

I can see the craving in his eyes to bend me back and take his pleasure. I see the desire to take his Sadistic needs out on my flesh.

But then I see the hesitancy when he caresses my face. When his thumb slides down the marred flesh, I see a caring that limits him with me. I want to tell him it’s ok. I want to shout that I am forever in his debt and he can do as he wishes.

But I don’t say a word.

What right do I have to direct Him or His actions?

So, I wait.

Maybe soon, he will notice me as more than just a monster.

Maybe.

Master is Sadistic. Have I mentioned that? He likes to watch someone’s body tighten, to see them sweat. He likes to see them grit their teeth to take what he gives. But, most of all, he likes to see the bliss on their face. To see them get satisfaction from enduring what only he can provide. He likes to see them happy….and sore.

And they fall all over Him.

I watch beauty after beauty prostrate before him. I watch them bend and burn for him. I watch their pain, and their passion, and I see their growing attachement to him.

Not one of them will come near me.

But he draws them in like moths to a flame.

He is intoxicating.

I think Master gets enjoyment out of watching me. See, I love to feel his fingers through my hair. Often, I curl between his legs, with my back to his chair, and lean my head on his thigh. And though I never let Master see, I am sure to give a smile full of teeth to every person I watch pass our room.

He chuckles darkly from time to time when someone gasps. They all try to be nonchalant, but no one has Mastered it yet.

It amuses me.

It makes the passing of time easier until he takes me to our private chambers each night.

While this probably makes me ill-behaved, Master hasn’t chastised me yet. So, I must be doing something right.

My eyes are closed when another visits. As I crack my good eye open, I see it is a far cry from another grovelling slave. It is another Master. I know better than to meet his gaze. There are some things even I cannot get away with.

But I take him in. He wears nothing but black. His t-shirt and jeans are as dark as coal. His vest is dark but blazing with colors. They are too blurry for me to read. His boots are dirty. I can tell he must live in them.

He speaks softly and passes Master a note. This must not be for a slave’s ears.

Master taps my head twice and I instantly move back to the side of his chair. As Master stands, my hands slip under his cushion and pull the black cloth. I slip it over my face, in time for Master to give me a nod of approval.

I lean my head against the side of the chair and close my eyes. I know Master will wake me when he needs me.

I am unsure of how much time has passed when I feel Master’s fingers in my hair. I look up at him and he is grinning.

Two snaps.

I move to kneel in front if him. He leans forward and removes the cloth from my face. His hand cups the side of my face and his thumb trails delicately over the scarring.

“I have a gift for you.”

I cock my head to the side. A gift? I am curious as to what I have done to earn such a privilege.

“Thank you Master.” I smile slightly, with my mouth closed.

“It will be delivered shortly.”

Two snaps.

I return to the side of his chair. I face the door. My curiosity has the best of me.

With my last Master, surprises meant pain. They meant a lot of blood and a lot of crying. But this Master is kind. He takes care of me. He lets me sit on a cushion instead of the cold floors. He keeps me fed. And he doesn’t look at me with pity or disgust.

I am uneasy but I know it will be ok. Whatever the surprise, I am sure he knows what he is doing.

He is a good Master.

A girl. You have gifted me a girl, Master.

Do I get to play?

I stared at the girl thrown at Master’s feet. She is stoic. She is breathing heavily. She must be nervous. She won’t look up from the floor. She is also refusing to rise onto her knees. Her intentions are clear. She is intending to refuse her orders.

I don’t need to hear what was said previously to see what is happening. Master is good at training. She isn’t the first to be put before him. But she is the first to be gifted to me.

She must have offended him. He is sending a message to her, and her handler, that she has not earned the right to be touched by him. She is not worth his time.

But she is worth mine.

She is a pretty little thing. Her hair is black. It is braided tightly and cascades down to her ass. She is petite and her skin is bronzed. She has spent many hours in the sun. Her arms and legs are thin. She is definitely not a work slave. I wonder if she is new to the fold or possibly a house or pleasure slave.

She has the gold markings around her wrists and ankles. The rest of her is bare.

When she finally looks up, I smile. I see her eyes widen and I can feel her fear.

It’s delicious.

Master rarely lets me play with others. I tend to be fairly sadistic. The other Masters don’t let me near their toys. So often, I am left by Master’s chair while he plays with others. Unless he brings out the electricity. Then I get to watch. He lays them across his table, mere feet from where I sit.

I find it fascinating. Watching the girls squirm is entertaining. He goes so gentle with some of them. Especially those whose Masters stay nearby. But those left to him to take his pleasure from get a whole different experience.

Their bodies bow off the table, akin to a scene from Frankenstein. Their voices are breathy, save for a few who unwillingly curse at Master. It’s amusing to see his reaction.

The result is always the same. They leave his table shaking and sated. His eyes glow and his body vibrates with energy. It’s those moments that he unleashes me and takes his pleasure. It is those moments that I feel useful and owned.

It’s those moments, brought by the subjugation of others, that I stop feeling like a monster.

Master stands and turns towards me. I kneel up, my back rigid and my eyes firmly on the floor. I let out a deep, cleansing breath. I feel him unlock the leather collar from my neck. In its place, I feel the cold snap of the metal collar. Its electrified. Should I disobey, punishment is swift and merciless. The electric collar always comes out to play when I am unleashed now. Apparently fighting other slaves is not an approved behavior.

Then he unhooks a key from his belt, crouches down, and unlocks the iron around my thigh. As he sets the iron down, I lean forward until my head is between his boots. I kiss the left boot three times and repeat the action on the right before returning my forehead to the floor and whispering, “thank you Master.”

Master returns to his seat.

Two snaps.

I kneel back up.

“Entertain me, pet.”

At his words, I prowl forward on my hands and knees.

I hope she tries to run.

She is shaking.

It is delightful.

I make sure I move enough to give Master a good show of my ass. It takes me only a few steps to cross the room to her. She isn’t moving. In fact, she has stilled like prey.

Is it bad I wanted a fight, Master?

I reach out and run a finger down her side. Her skin is cool to the touch. I briefly wonder how long she has been uncovered on the cold floor before she was put here.

She jerks away and I snap my jaw at her, as if poised to bite. She screams. Her arms reach out as if there were spots in the floor to pull her away from me.

My hand clamps down on her hip and I flip her into her back with little effort. My arms are much stronger than hers.

I straddle her waist and pin her wrists down with my right hand. My left wanders down the side of her face.

“What a pretty prize you are.” My voice is low and gravelly. I cannot speak much more than a whisper. I don’t really know why. I can guess but it hasn’t mattered in a long time. Slaves aren’t meant to speak.

I brought my fingers down, hovering slightly over her nipple. I turned my head to glance at Master. He nodded in confirmation.

I rolled her nipple between my thumb and forefinger. Her breath hitched. She must be sensitive. I tugged on it lightly before twisting it and letting go. I flicked it several times before tugging and twisting again. The more I did it, the more she arched under me. When her nipple was engorged and aching, I switched my attention to her other nipple. I swapped the hands holding her wrists and repeated the treatment.

She is whining, low in her throat. I can tell she is trying to be quiet. She is trying to hold back.

I click my tongue. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.

I lean down to her ear so she can hear me clearly. “You will scream for us before we are done sweetie.” I licked the shell of her ear before returning to playing with my prize.

I let my nails drag across her stomach. She is twisting beneath me. My thighs can hold her tiny frame in place. But I am excited to see her reactions.

It is much better play when the prey fights back.

I scoot my ass back a few inches until I am resting on her thighs. I decide to see what she will do. I let go of her wrists.

I lean back and rest on my haunches. I stare her down. I drag my nails down her chest, between the curves of her breasts. Once my eyes left hers though, I learned my mistake.

I felt a hard smack to the side of my face. My neck turned with the force. I growled. It’s not that she hit me Master. Its that she hit me on my blindside. That’s just dirty tactics.

I turned back to meet her eyes and I grabbed each of her wrists with my corresponding hands. I gripped tightly. I am trying not to bruise her…after all, she isn’t mine permanently.

I lean down near her shoulder and drag my top teeth across it. They are sharp enough to draw blood. I lap it up and hold it in my mouth.

I move her hands to her sides and kneel on them. Then I grab her chin with bruising force and lean down to kiss her. I let the blood, her blood, trickle into her mouth. Then I cover her mouth with my hand until she swallows.

I watch her shudder.

She wants to hit me hard enough to taste blood, it is only fair to return the favor.

I lick the salty tears trailing down her face. I am growing bored with her now.

Master said I should entertain him.

An idea pops into my head.

I wrap her braid around my fist and move off her. I give her a moment to flip over but she makes no effort to move.

So, I start dragging her. She is begging me to let go. But we both know how this works. You go where directed or you are moved by force.

She made her choice.

I reach the wall and crouch down, still holding her hair.

“Stand. Or I will make you.”

She moves with purpose this time. I stand her up, her back to the wall, and attach a metal cuff to each wrist. They are above her head, stretched out to an X shape, leaving her standing on the balls of her feet.

Endurance. That was a lesson I struggled with myself. Let’s see if she can do better.

I roughly grab both her nipples without warning, pinching and pulling them away from her body. Her feet are dancing, trying to alleviate the pain.

I lean in and bite the side of each breast, semi-gently. I want her to heal. As the blood begins to slowly seep out, I let her nipples go and watch her body bounce back in relief.

The blood is glistening. It excites me.

I turn from her and kneel, facing Master. My lips are still red from tasting her. I keep my eyes down, waiting for the command to come back.

Instead, I hear his boots on the cement. I still the quivering in my body. I am riled up from playtime and I crave his touch.

His boots come into view and I immediately lean forward with my head on the floor.

Two snaps.

I am kneeling upright again.

Two snaps.

I climb it my feet and put my hands on my elbows behind my back.

Two snaps.

My eyes move to meet his.

He is grinning. I can see the Sadistic glint in his eyes.

He pulls me forward by the electric collar and growls into my ear. “You’ve done well, pet.”

He pulls my hair into his fist and tilts my neck before biting down at the juncture of my neck and shoulder. My hands break rank as I grab for his shirt. He knows this will bring me to my knees. Harder and harder he bites until my first knee hits the ground. I let out a breathy sound just before my second knee drops. I can smell the copper tang. He drew blood.

My head is tilted back and as he kisses me, my own blood trickles between my lips. It is warm. His tongue his hot against mine. It is almost dizzying. When he pulls back, I swallow the remaining liquid and stare up at him. I feel drunk now. When he lets go of my hair, my body slumps, heaving great breaths.

Master really is intoxicating.

I almost forgot we had a guest. Then I heard the tell-tale whine. She is rattling the chains. She is starting to give me a headache.

She is interrupting my bliss.

I growl again and climb back to my feet, turning to face her. I take the first step towards her and Master halts me with his hand.

I still. I am dissatisfied with the direction, but I know better than to question it.

He moves away from her and puts a finger to his lips to keep me silent. I see where he is headed and I finally understand why.

I watch as he grabs his knife and tucks a cord through his belt. He has just turned himself into a conduit for electricity.

He’s going to play with her.

He is going to paint her pretty with fine red lines of electric current through the tip of his blade.

She won’t know what hit her.

I can hear the soft buzzing of the electricity. I am positive she can too, especially how this room echoes.

I am watching Master move. His steps are light but sure. He stays just out of her sight. I can see the soft stains of the blood marks and sweat intermingling on her flesh. It is both erotic and enticing.

I catch Master’s eye. He smirks and I watch as he licks the blade from base to tip. I shiver. He is teasing me. I doubt if he even feels the electricity anymore. I am positive it must run through his veins.

He lays the blade flat on her stomach, covering her navel. I know she won’t get much of a jolt with such a broad surface but the cold with react with the heat of her skin.

Sure enough, she looks down and tries to press herself back against the wall. I am amused. If there is something sharp touching you, it is best practice not to move.

But adrenaline and fear will often override common sense. That’s what makes it so delicious.

Master slowly lifts the blade and turns it on its tip. He drags it from her naval, up between her breasts, and slowly across both shoulders before sliding it back down. He follows the path a couple of times, watching her. She is mesmerized by the movement. Where he turns the blade, her gaze follows.

He slides it down her breast, circling the dark patch around her nub. He taps the blade against her nipple. She gasps. I watch him repeat the process to the other side before he reaches towards his belt. He turns up the current. The next round will be harsher.

Again and again, he works her over. Turning the current up and down without warning. He slides the blade up her thighs and across her stomach. He tortures her nipples with both the blade and his hands. He makes her stick out her tongue and he touches the tip of the blade to it.

I flinch. I know that feeling.

I can smell her arousal. It lingers in the air. As much as she whines and cries, her body is betraying her. Her sensitivity is heightened. Instead of running away, her body arches towards him now.

They all break for him in the end.

He warns her not to move. He drags the blade softly across her hips and down to her hood. He reaches back and turns off the current for a moment, sheathing his knife.

I watch him mercilessly take two fingers and start rubbing her clit. He does not give her any respite. He keeps the pressure heavy and the movements fast.

She moans and cries and begs him. A littany of pleases leave her lips and he pays her no mind. When she reaches the edge, he stops.

Her body curls in on herself as tears form on her lashes.

He turns the current back on and runs the blade over her skin again and again. Once he sees her body settle into the play, he flips it off and brings her to the edge again.

This time though, when he stops, he keeps her lips spread, turns the current back on, and taps the blade over and over against her clit.

I know from experience how sharp the sensation is. But when you are in the state she’s in, it doesn’t matter much.

All you want is more.

Her chest is heaving. I can tell she is tiring out. So can Master.

He has me sit down on the floor as he removes her restraints. Her head rests on the floor next to me.

I run my fingers through her hair. Being worked over and left on edge is a hard lesson.

She will be fine in a little while.

Master rubs her down with a burn cream. We want her to heal.

Her eyes are only half-open, and the fight has left her. She shivers from the cold floor.

Master locks a matching electrical collar around her neck before he picks her up. He moves to the other side of the room. He opens the door to one of the iron cages, lined with wool blankets, and lays her gently inside.

He locks the door.

“Keep her company, pet. She’s ours now.”

Fear, Trust, and Finding Your Rhythm As A Top/Dominant

April 24, 2021 By TAC 2 Comments

sexy submissive hair pulling toilet slut — via stock.adobe.com

Fear is a healthy reaction to the unknown. The right amount keeps us form going overboard. Too much keeps us from experiencing things, and we miss out. It does not matter if it is stepping on a roller coaster, getting in the car for the NASCAR experience, performing a caning, or rigging your first suspension. Fear is the dividing line between what we can do now, and what we can achieve.

Regular posts from bottoms/submissives appear on the boards asking how to help their tops/dominants get over the anxiety of causing pain and potential injury. Sometimes posts from new tops/dominants, asking for help so they can give their submissive what is needed or desired. Fear holds those dominants back. Fear of themselves, fear of causing harm, uncertainty in skill, and possibly not understanding trust during play, not just the dynamic, is a two-way street.

Trust in a Scene is a Two-Way Street

One of the tallest mountains a top/dominant can climb, is learning how to trust their bottom/submissive during a scene. Sure, we trust them to say when they are having a hard day, not hiding medical problems, or if they are not in good head space. That kind of trust is easier to understand because we have been practicing it our whole lives. That of a good partnership and friend. In play the bottom/submissive is placing their safety and possibly life in the top’s/dominant’s hands, and they are asking us to let go. To give in to some of our baser instincts which society has trained out of us. To be demanding, to be rough; not just to give, but to TAKE. It can be, and is, awe inspiring and overwhelming all in the same breath.

Learning to trust the bottom/submissive to say when too much, is too much. Pain does not always mean harm, injury, or lasting damage. Some bottoms/submissives crave pain, others may like it mixed in with sensual play. You may be a top/dominant who enjoys delivering pain. Let your submissive help guide you on what works and what does not for them. Take your time to study and learn from others how to play safely without causing harm. All the aforementioned cannot come just from the top/dominant, a book, or even a mentor – but must include communication with and information gained from our bottom/submissive.

Fear is about Me…..not We. Changing Mindset.

Being stuck in the mindset of fear, is all about the individual, not the partnership. The ego saying the top/dominant is supposed to know better, supposed to have all the answers, must make all the decisions. Which leads to, “I am afraid of…… I don’t know how…. I don’t know when… what if I fail,”….etc. versus, “we will experience…. we will find the edges….. we will learn….. together.” Tops/dominants are expected to take on a lot of responsibility, to learn, become proficient, and to lead. The mistake is thinking it can be done in a bubble. Trust your bottom/submissive and their feedback to help shed light where it is hard to see.

“I don’t know my own strength,” or something similar is heard commonly. Expressing a reserve from pushing their own boundaries, let alone that of a bottom/submissive. So what? As tops/dominants we do not need to understand our own strength nearly as much as we do the strength of our bottoms/submissives. Work with them so you know if you can go harder or need to be softer. Physically and mentally.

Finding the mindset to balance the fear is a must. The place in the mind which allows acceptance of the bottom’s/submisssive’s trust and trusting them in return. Leveraging that trust to move past the abstract chains keeping a top/dominant from walking forward into the unknown. Embrace the uncertainty as it will always be there to one degree or another. But lean on trust so experiences are not missed, and the desires of both partners can be fulfilled. To learn as tops/dominants, we are not doing something TO our submissive, we are experiencing something WITH them. We are not causing pain, but delivering sensation which is desired and even craved.

Don’t Just Guess

“I’m not sure what to do….,” Ask. Ask your submissive what they are willing to try. Use imagination when designing play. Trust that when a submissive says, yes, they mean it. Whether subscribing to SSC, RACK, PRICK or the half dozen other paradigms regarding safety in play, having faith in each other, communication and consent are at the heart of all of them. Take time to thoroughly research a kink or aspect of play together before doing it. When the research is done, plans are made, and consent has been given…. accept bottoms/submissives have their own minds, and are making a decision to TRUST you…..so trust them.

“They want me to really go rough with them, but I’m afraid of hurting them…,” Well they are not, or they would not be asking for it. They may want the rush of adrenaline and the high which comes from play. The deep bond which can come from enduring and feeling in ways not normally felt. It can be done without damaging them or causing serious injury. It takes time, practice, research, patience, and seeking their feedback.

Have a Process

When I work with a new bottom or submissive, even if they are experienced, I take it slowly. Everything is discussed beforehand. Not just about the play itself, but what implements will be used; how I will be communicating with them; warning signs and signals; safe words; where the first aid kit will be located etc.

Warming up in the scene; checking in with them throughout asking where their comfort level is; 1 to 10. Watching how they act and react to different implements, how they are used, or different strikes on parts of their body. Both of us learning each other as we go. We do not have to know it all right out of the gate. We do need to have a plan, be focused, and pay attention.

After the scene, sometimes the next day, I will recap the scene with them; ask them what they did and did not like; what went well and what did not; If something was too much or too little; is something they want more of. The point being, with someone new, or as a new top/dominant, we have not learned to read our bottom/submissive yet. This is an opportunity to gain their input and learn.

As time progresses and with becoming more experienced, we will be able to read body language better and see the cues the bottom/submissive gives. Patience, practice, and listening to the bottom/submissive will help get a us to where we need to be. This does not take the place of good communication, but augments it allowing the scene to be more organic.

Finding a Rhythm

“I really like flogging, but am I doing it right?” Whatever it is, it rarely gets done right the first time, or even the first ten times. I can cane one submissive one way….. and for another it just does not work for them. It is as much art as it is science. The physical techniques will only get you part of the way. Learning what works for you and a particular bottom/submissive is the art. Some require a soft warm up, others prefer a hard shock to get them focused before warming and building into play. This is a process which requires the participation of both the parties. Don’t be afraid to experiment WITH them.

If you stick with it long enough you will learn your bottom/submissive. Just like playing poker, everyone has tells. Reading them becomes part of that experience. Eventually play/scenes become a dance where only the two of you can hear and understand the music. Talking through things is still important, but you will find the rhythm between the two of you that works.

Putting it All Together

Learning yourself and your bottom/submissive; learning more about the kinks that are of interest; and learning to let go of the fear. These become part of the building blocks for you to begin letting go and truly trusting your partner.

Trust is the daylight which pushes back the boundaries of fear. Trust in your bottom/submissive will pay off in your own self confidence because it frees you to be who you are. It is ok to be anxious when pushing forward into unknown territory. Just realize you are not doing it alone, but with your partner. Trust them, and they will trust you.

TAC is a lifestyle writer, dominant, and mentor who contributes to several online educational groups such as the BDSM Alternative Lifestyle Discussion and Education; Information Exchange for Dom/mes, Masters, and Mistresses; and the Virtual Munch. His writing includes information on self-improvement, growth, dominance, trauma, power dynamics and power exchange, and safety. His goal is to continue giving back to a community of friends who have supported him for nearly three decades. He can be found on Fetlife at TAC_1.

How To Show Off Your Submissive

April 24, 2021 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

By now, most of us are tired of the covid world we are living in. And this is especially true in the BDSM world of closed dungeons, social distancing, mask wearing and “this will be over soon” media pronouncements. Well, I have good news for you. From now on, I will be “writing for the future” with little pandemic pandering. With this in mind, this week’s question is about exhibitionism – a BDSM activity that really took a huge hit in this frustrating world but will soon be making a “comeback”. And since these questions come from my “query vault,” I can pick those that address tomorrow’s issues, not today’s. Can I hear some applause?! So, here is the question:

Reader: I love to show-off my slave, and I really like being kinky in public. I’d like to explore new ways to enjoy D/s with an audience. Do you have any suggestions?

Exhibitionism can be divided into two categories. The first one is what I call “controlled” exhibitionism. Here you show off your slave to your own group of fellow BDSM pervs. Typically, this is done at play parties, usually in private homes or at members-only dungeons – such as the legendary Lair de Sade in Los Angeles. There are clubs of this type in many major U.S. cities. This is probably the easiest and safest way to explore your interest in exhibitionism in a controlled environment. For not only is there a built-in audience, but there is also no worry about “pain-in-the-ass innocent bystanders.” (A quote for the Godfather fans among you.) These clubs usually have many stations with BDSM equipment and even stages for you to show off your slave. You can get as kinky as the house rules – and local laws – allow. And your exhibitionism does not have to involve scening. Outrageous states of undress are embraced here. So if you want your slave half naked, three quarters naked or totally naked, by all mean go for it! As every good exhibitionist needs voyeurs to enjoy the show, where better to find a group of voyeurs than at a dungeon party? The beauty is that here you can start slowly and learn about your slave and what type of exhibitionism turns both of you on. Do you like your slave in fetish clothes, various states of undress, or led around by a collar and chain? Do you like to torture your slave in public? What does your slave enjoy or detest? The dungeon gives you a great environment to experiment, replete with an appreciative audience. You can also get great ideas from fellow showoffs here – which will improve your exhibitionist skills. All in a safe, user-friendly environment.

The second category of exhibitionism is what I call “public exhibitionism.” Here the audience is the public at large. I think that part of the appeal of this edgy practice comes from its danger. And dangerous it is. Some jurisdictions take “indecent exposure,” as they call it in the legal system, pretty seriously. Fines, jail time and community service can be a consequence of being caught. In this game there are many levels – from beginner to advanced! Quick flashing can be considered an entry-level type of exhibitionism. I would have your slave dress in such a way (if female, no panties under the skirt while kilts work for a male sub) so you conveniently “flash and dash.” (I like that term. It’s a keeper!) Advanced exhibitionism would probably encompass public sex. Here it gets a little risky. It takes planning and keen observational skills to get away with public sex if that is where you want to take this. I personally had public sex at a BDSM social at Sportsman’s Lodge – and it was awesome. Since you say you want an audience, this area of exhibitionism should be approached with utmost caution. If children and policemen just happen to be unwitting witnesses as you have sex in a glass-enclosed elevator, you might have big problems! People into this type of exhibitionism take precautions so as not to get caught. Be careful.

One important omission – your query does not mention your slave’s preferences. You should always take his/her preferences into account before you delve into exhibitionism – whether semi-private or totally public. This ensures a great performance.

Exhibitionism has the widest range of just about any fetish out there. With this in mind, the only boundaries are your imagination and what type of exhibitionism you are into. And, most importantly, let’s not forget to discuss limits here. Your question asks, “I love to show-off my slave, and I really like being kinky in public,” with little mention of your slave’s hard limits. You should be aware of these limits beforehand. If you are combining BDSM play with exhibitionism, safe words and safe signals must be integral to the scene. I’ll be watching!

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

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