Ms. Rika

The Male Chastity Conundrum

August 16, 2020 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!

There’s this thing about male chastity cages: By their nature, they work when you DON’T do anything. The whole idea of chastity cages is that you put them on your subject and, until you decide to take them off, they do not get to have sexual pleasure. It seems simple: You just have to lock it on. However, it turns out, in practice, there’s a quite a bit more to it than that.

The issue is, when he’s in that cage, his attention is on that cage at all times. Obviously, you expect him to have feelings of enduring something, suffering for you (in theory at least), and of sacrificing a very basic freedom. However, the device impacts him in many other ways besides limiting orgasms and erections. The device has weight and compression on his penis. It forces him to sit to urinate, changes the look of his clothing, often chafes a little, changes his gait, makes it different for him to clean, makes him self-conscious and aware of what’s visible to the outside world, makes it difficult for him to sit comfortably for long periods of time, and changes his sleeping habits. In short, he is physically aware of it – all day and all night.

For the dominant, you close the lock and start the rest of your day. Nothing is making you aware that he’s suffering. Nothing is changing your daily routine. You have no constant reminders. For you, nothing changes – except for the few times in the week when sex is on the table (or in the bed!).

And that’s part of the allure of the chastity fantasy: The slave suffers while the keyholder blithely goes about their day. All the freedom belongs to the keyholder; all the suffering/frustration to the locked. However, that’s just the fantasy. The reality is usually quite different.

In reality, subs want to know that they’re not alone in their dynamic. They need to feel the dominant’s intent; to feel that what is being done to them, is being done TO them – and that the dominant is the one DOING it. They don’t just want to be limited; they want to know that the dominant is deliberately limiting them.

The problem is, the sub constantly feels the “burden” of the device and is actively thinking about it at all times, but the dominant isn’t. This creates a disconnect – the threat to the sub is very real; that their submission is all in their head – and that the dominant is unaware of the extent of what the sub is going through. The sub wants the dominant to recognize the power the device has and to OPENLY LEVERAGE the helplessness that the sub feels. They want this – all the time, because they are reminded of it – all the time, and they’re thinking about it – ALL THE TIME. Since the dominant isn’t physically reminded, and isn’t being interrupted all day long, they may seem unaware of the extent of the sub’s predicament.

Many men respond to this by “sharing” how they feel, especially when not asked. They feel the need to emphasize and highlight their frustration – both verbally and physically. They overtly show the desperation that they’re feeling – and sometimes act in “over-the-top slavish fashion”, in an attempt to demonstrate the “benefits” to the dominant of keeping them in chastity. They attempt to encourage the dominant to show recognition of their plight by acting on that advantage, and to do things like tease the sub to “make the frustration worse”. They need the dominant to demonstrate how much they enjoy his

suffering and captivity. Sometimes (and unfortunately, often), they will even act up in an attempt to have the dominant react by punishing them, usually hoping that the dominant will use the device to increase their frustration (e.g., a punishment of another week in chastity!) Worse, if the dominant doesn’t react, subs often gets angry or melancholy, and in particularly bad situations, openly challenge the dominant’s abilities.

The end result of all of this demand, is pressure on the dominant: Pressure to play the game; to give the sub what he perceives he should be receiving; to try to think about what the submissive is feeling as often as he is thinking about it. As I explained above, there is no natural driver for the keyholder to be as aware of the device as the wearer, so trying to be equally focused is simply not a realistic expectation. Trying to keep the sub’s condition in the front of your mind is a tall-order for someone who is supposedly the object of the submission and a lot of burden for the partner who is supposedly being served. Worse, when that pressure builds up on a dominant, no matter how confident they are, it’s too easy to interpret it as a lapse of their own abilities. All of which serves to undermine the integrity of the dynamic.

I find that it helps to be aware of the disconnect and the way it presents. I find that knowing about the dichotomy of focus that chastity brings to the partnership, helps dominants to readily recognize the pressure their submissive is putting on them – so that they can deal with it in a more confident manner.

Once you’ve recognized the pressure for what it is, you can decide how you want to react to it. When it happens to me (and it does for things, not only chastity related), the first thing I do is a little introspection to try to determine if the sub is just being needy, or if I actually have been a little distracted.

If he’s being needy or just over-focused on the device, I generally tell him so, and tell him to get it under control. There is no “…or else” clause in this statement, because punishing him in response to neediness will reward manipulative behavior. Rather, I just insist on his adjustment. If he fails to do so, I’ll likely take him out of the device indefinitely. I’m not going to play the game if he’s not going to provide the self-discipline I demand. He will usually respond well, as he also understands the disconnect and knows by the other things I do (see CERAF in my books), that I am active and committed to our dynamic.

On the other hand, if I feel that I may have been depriving him a bit of recognition, or have been neglecting him a bit, then perhaps a few “simple gifts” (read “Uniquely Rika” and “Uniquely Us” for a deeper discussion of simple gifts!) are in order, just to let him know I’m actively involved in the dynamic – and that I have put him in chastity for my own reasons.

While controlling a sub’s orgasm is a common desire of dominants, the use of a device to do so is more often the sub’s desire. For many of the reasons above, using physical devices to force a sub to be chaste – is a fantasy more enjoyed by the wearer – and may be more of a burden for the keyholder. In many dynamics, including mine, putting a submissive into a chastity device is either a treat of sorts, or a shared symbolic gesture. It doesn’t define submission – or create it – but rather, is one of many ways to formalize a concept. I make my opinion well known to my subs: When the symbol becomes more important to the sub than the submission, it’s time to do away with the symbol! I’m willing to be aware of the disconnect, but I’m not willing to give up MY freedom for it.

– Rika.

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

The Male Chastity Conundrum

July 26, 2020 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

male chastity cock cage — Male chastity cock cage

Sometimes (and unfortunately, often), they will even act up in an attempt to have the dominant react by punishing them, usually hoping that the dominant will use the device to increase their frustration (e.g., a punishment of another week in chastity!) Worse, if the dominant doesn’t react, subs often gets angry or melancholy, and in particularly bad situations, openly challenge the dominant’s abilities.

Neediness is not a good trait in a submissive

July 19, 2020 By Ms. Rika 5 Comments

mistress dominating male slave on leash — via stock.adobe.com

Neediness breeds sub-centric behavior – Why neediness is a poor motivation strategy

A needy person, by definition, is someone who is driven by a quest to satisfy their own internal desire. A straight dictionary definition of “needy” deals primarily with money – but the Urban dictionary defines needy in a way that better fits the way we’re using it:

“Requiring attention beyond what is normative.”

A sub who is “needy” – who demands attention to their plight – doesn’t make a very good submissive, because the motivation for their actions is self-serving. They are trying to quench their own desires. And, once satiated (if that’s even possible), and they are no longer needing fulfillment, their motivation disappears. This is what I’ve been terming sub-centric behavior. The focus of the sub is not on pleasing the dominant, it’s on satisfying their own need by whatever means necessary.

I would argue that, anything which increases the amount of neediness in a sub, increases the amount of sub-centric intent that person has. This might even be considered “by definition”, if you really think about it.

So, if that’s true, motivating a sub by creating neediness is counter-productive – if your aim is to create a dominant-centric dynamic. You’re driving that sub to more and more sub-centricity – focusing him more and more on the end-goal of satisfying HIMSELF. No matter how immediately effective it is in the short term, I think it’s a bad technique for the long term.

The short-term effects of neediness, if not addressed, often wear off, unless the dominant chooses to reinforce that neediness – to maintain it. The concern for the dominant is to make sure that the sub does not get complacent or comfortable – which would reduce the desire and therefore the motivation for compliance. So, they find themselves being forced to track and monitor the sub’s level of desire – perhaps manipulate it to keep it piqued. That’s a lot of work, if you ask me.

So regardless of whether it “works” or not, the tactic of increasing neediness as a means of motivation is not something I would want in my dynamics (or FLRs) because it is not something that builds the kind of consistent self-discipline a sub requires to dedicate himself to his submission for the long term – something he will require if he is to remain submissive, independent of his level of need (which varies over time).

Some will argue that “a sexually satisfied sub is a lazy sub” and theories like this that suggest a sub male who is allowed to orgasm on a regular basis becomes lazy and inattentive to his dominant’s desires and needs. They then conclude that one of the things that a dominant must do is to increase his need by not allowing him to orgasm regularly through T&D, chastity, etc.

This is only true if you allow it to be true. If you allow this presumption to have merit, it will. Submission is an outward expression of dedication to another person, not an inward reflection of one’s own desperation. I enjoy T&D, but it does not build submission.

Reward vs. Internal Benefit

Others argue that, “No human being ever does anything without the prospect of a reward”. This is quite a skeptical statement, just from a societal standpoint, but the real argument is in the use of the word “Reward”.

I use the word “reward” differently the words “personal benefit”. To me, a reward is something you get for something from the person for whom you did the task. It is often something promised in advance and used to entice a person to complete a task. It is a form of payment. In this context, I don’t agree that people need a reward to do something. On the other hand, I do agree that people are motivated by the benefits for themselves. A sub who enjoys to serve benefits from the dynamic as much as the person being served. But that benefit comes from within themselves.

It’s not just semantics. A sub who serves because he loves the feeling of making the dominant happy receives his benefit from within. The dominant doesn’t give him happiness, he experiences it himself because submission works for him. Does he benefit? Of course! But is the dominant obligated to provide something to him in exchange for his service? No. A reward would be something given to the submissive IN EXCHANGE, OR REMEDIATION, FOR their submission. The phrase “Submission is its own reward” is a little misleading, in my opinion. That type of “reward” is a self-appropriated benefit. It’s not the same thing as if the dominant rewarded the sub for their service.

I think that’s the same differentiation for the use of the word “Needy”. A sub who is needy is one who is demanding that the dominant fulfill that need. Whether they come out and demand it, or just act up to get attention, or whose service suffers because of their selfish desires. Needing to submit is something that the sub can fulfill for themselves through their own actions. It’s not something that they are demanding that the dominant provide.

The one who is obligated, matters

I frequently encounter couples where the dominant feels “obliged” to think up things for the submissive to do…to keep the submissive busy and fulfilled in their submission. The submissives in these situations are completing their tasks as quickly as they can, and then immediately searching for more.

Wanting more tasks to do and pestering a dominant to think up more tasks are two very different things. How the submissive materializes his need determines how much attention he requires. A submissive who completes his task and then hounds his dominant with “What’s Next” questions isn’t serving the dominant. However, if he completes a task he can continue to serve by following the wishes and preferences of his dominant – if she likes proactive service, he can seek out new tasks and things to do by himself without forcing her to focus on him. If she doesn’t like proactive service, then he can serve by simply being quiet and patiently awaiting her next order – making himself ready and willing without requiring attention.

Many will argue that, when we are in a relationship, we are “responsible” for fulfilling the needs of our partners – D/s or otherwise. That it is the job of one partner to fulfill the others’ needs.

The way I see it, we are responsible for our own happiness. I view obligation in a relationship slightly differently. When we’re in a relationship, we care about our partners. We consider their needs. We recognize that mutual satisfaction of needs is something that is required for a relationship to last – When needs are not met in a relationship, the relationship is in jeopardy. We want our partners to be fulfilled. This doesn’t change because you have a power dynamic. The difference between helping a partner feel fulfilled and being responsible for their happiness.

Believing that you have an obligation to fulfill your partner’s desires is a kind of old-fashioned thought. I look at it as a much more natural extension of caring. I don’t feel OBLIGATED, but I feel joy in knowing I can make him happy and fulfill his desires. That’s part of what creates the bond between two partners. I don’t do things for my husband because it’s my obligation to do them – I do them because I love him and want to see him happy. It’s natural and non-burdening.

Just as in a non-power-based relationship, I find joy in seeing my submissive happy. I do things for him, just because he enjoys them, because I care for him and love to see him happy. However, we have a power dynamic and therefore, the things he does for me, he does because he is my submissive and has committed to serve me. He granted me, by virtue of his commitment to serve me, the entitlement to EXPECT and DEMAND that he fulfills my every wish; need or want. Just being in a relationship doesn’t give you the right to demand. It gives you the right to walk away from the relationship if you don’t get what you need – but it does not entitle you to demand fulfillment of your wants. The D/s power commitment obligates the submissive and entitles the dominant.

Rika’s Lair- Avoiding Escalation and Exploring Together

May 24, 2020 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!

This week, I’d like to rekindle a thread I started a bit over a year ago in my FetLife group. The topic is “Escalation”; a concept on which many relationships stumble…so, I think it’s a particularly important area to discuss.

Escalation is a common technique employed by people while trying to introduce a new dynamic to their “vanilla” partners. The logic is, start slow, get your partner used to it, and then escalate to deeper and deeper intensities. When your partner does small things, you react openly with lots of positive energy, rewarding the for their efforts, and then after a while, once they’ve gotten comfortable with that level, you move to take it to the next. That’s the way escalation is thought to work…

…Only it doesn’t really work that way.

The reality of escalation is that, to the escalated partner, there becomes no end in sight. This can be a particularly scary revelation, if they don’t feel in control of when escalation occurs, or if you both will escalate at all. They may feel that you will never be satisfied; that no matter what they do, their efforts will never be enough – and they won’t want to continue. If they feel that you don’t appreciate what they’ve done already, your efforts will feel like you’re manipulating them to do more, and they will resent it…and resist it.

Still, starting something new by going slow is a good idea. So how can you help your partner to be comfortable trying something new, without jumping in full-bore? Here are some recommendations that have worked for others:

Don’t try to hide your intent. Talk about escalation up front. If you’re starting slow, let your partner know that. Let them know that what you’re doing is designed to give them a feel for an activity and then see if they want to take it further. Note: if THEY want to take it further. Give your partner the decision power (in reality, it’s theirs anyway, so you may as well let them feel that it is) and make sure you’re willing to stop and not push further. This will remove the pressure your partner is going to feel from you and make them feel more in control.
Check in with your partner periodically and be open to THEIR direction for escalation. Do they enjoy the activity? Do they think this is something that they may want to continue with? You’re enjoying it, but Is there some variation that would bring your partner more enjoyment? The escalation does not need to follow your intended path…perhaps they’d like to escalate it in a direction that suits THEM better? Your way is not necessarily better…because what’s going to be better for you is going to be what’s better for your partner. Having a partner who is happy doing what they’re doing is going to be more fulfilling than one who constantly feels like they’re doing you a favor.
Provide realistic, tempered feedback. There is a temptation to overplay how happy you are with the early levels of experimentation. You think that, by showing your partner overwhelming happiness – how incredibly excited this all makes you – they will want to do more. But you’re setting yourself up for disappointment because, when the conversation turns to escalation,

they’re going to feel that their efforts aren’t “good enough” and that your excitement wasn’t genuine. They will feel manipulated, even if they know the escalation is coming. Be happy, show that you’re happy…just keep it realistic and within the scope of the level of escalation that you’re in.

Provide feedback that’s focused on your appreciation of your partner, not on the activity itself: When you demonstrate your happiness, don’t focus on what your partner’s doing or how they’re doing it – don’t critique their execution (good or bad), unless they ask you. Rather, focus your feedback on how happy THEY make you by being so open to ideas, and by being courageous and willing to try new things. Show your appreciation that they’re willing to go on this adventure with you.
Lastly, be sure your partner knows you’re happy with who they are, not just what they’re doing. They’re doing this for you, and even if they suddenly come to love the activity, keep your enthusiasm focused on your appreciation of your partner and who they are. Another way to consider this is, it’s a feeling that’s special and unique because of your partner. Not just anyone could make you so happy just by doing the activity…It’s best because your partner is exploring this with you.

This will give you a chance to find happiness and fulfillment with your partner. You will not be manipulating them, rather, you will be engaging with them and moving together towards a new destination.

I hope you keep this in mind when you find yourself embarking on a new direction with a partner! As always, I welcome your thoughts!

I wish all of you, health and safety during this crazy time.

– Rika

Rika’s Lair- If You Want To Submit, Submit!

April 26, 2020 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

This week, I’m going on a little rant. Over the past couple of months, I’ve been working with a number of couples who have been sharing a very similar issue. The submissive, in these cases men (though this is certainly not limited to gender), have entered into their dynamics expecting their partners to enforce their submission. What I mean by “enforcing submission” is quite literal: They want the dominant to make them submit – to watch them for any infractions, punish them, and to wield threats of pain or frustration as a means to gain compliance. One wants spankings, one wants to be kept in chastity forever (“to motivate his submission”), another wants to give up all of his possessions and worth and become indentured, and yet another wants to be blackmailed. To compound the issue, in all cases, the dominants don’t really prefer these requests, however, rather than challenging these expectations, are asking for help in how to fulfill them!

The theme is a common one.

I want to point out that it’s possible that a dominant wants the challenge and enjoys the “conquering” nature of overpowering their submissive. However, they also might not – and in the case of these couples, the dominants are not in favor of the scenarios, but are trying to go along with them, either to please their partner – or because their partner is impossible without it.

Aside from the obvious “topping from the bottom” and manipulation in the approaches, I’m bothered by the NOTION of a dominant being asked to enforce submission. Here are a few reasons:

First of all, it makes it seem that the submissive feels that submission is shameful or unnatural and therefore needs to be forced, as if, they would never allow it to happen otherwise. They seem ashamed to admit that they enjoy submission; ashamed to agree to serve their partner, and so, need to be manipulated into it, “against their will”
The attitude of “Force Me”, puts the onus and responsibility of assuring good service on the dominant. I’ve talked a lot about this in my books and other articles. This puts the submissive in the driver’s seat; in position to judge whether the dominant is convincing enough to warrant their submission. This puts the dominant in the position of having to “prove their worth” to the submissive.
“You do the work…and I’ll follow, because I have to” is a lazy position. It’s forcing a role of enforcer, or ‘warden’ onto the dominant partner. For a dominant who doesn’t want this type of role, they don’t get anything out of this except more work. It is a very non-submissive attitude.

How I see it… As far as I’m concerned, I’m not MAKING a man want to submit – I’m LETTING him submit. He’s a submissive – He wants to submit! This notion that a man who claims to be submissive, needs to be tricked, manipulated, reduced, forced, coerced, etc. into submission is simply hogwash.

My advice to submissives: If you want to submit, submit. If you don’t, don’t…but I would consider it bottoming, not submission. If you choose to submit, seek out what your dominant considers to be

submission – what they feel will make them most happy with you as a submissive – and adapt to provide whatever that is with all of your heart and soul. Make your dominant the center of your definition of submission – their preferences…their definition. Serve the person…not some role being played.

When you are serving a dominant the way a dominant wants to be served, which may, or may not be your traditional definition of submissive behavior, you’re not just a bottom in a scene, because the motivation for your actions are to please your dominant – the way they want to be pleased (and consequently, the way they will be most pleased).

Most natural submissives I’ve met, find this to be far more fulfilling than being with a dominant who is not pleasing themself, but rather trying to become some fantasy.

Dominants, here’s another way to look at this: If someone came to you and said, “I’d like the job of painting your house” and you decided to give them that work, it’s likely that you’re going to pick the color, agree on a schedule, and be the final arbiter on “completeness”…but I’m certain the implication isn’t that you’re going to force them to work each day – through threat or coercion, tell them exactly how to paint the house, make them clean their equipment, and force them to complete the job! The mark of good workers is that they do those things themselves…it’s their responsibility; they know it and accept it.

A good, dominant-focused submissive is a good worker; one who takes ownership of their submission and responsibility for their behavior. They are self-motivated to do the job, do it right, and be proud of the result they can achieve. They adapt to your preferences and deliver without having to be forced (unless that’s what you prefer). Don’t settle for less.

– Rika

Rika’s Lair- Accepting Power Dynamics

April 19, 2020 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

This week, I would like to address the notion of whether relationships that have power dynamics will become mainstreamed, that is, acceptable as one of the normal relationship options within our society.

This morning, I was answering a question regarding being served in public. Given the nature of my power dynamics, there isn’t a lot of stereotypical “Outward Show” in my relationships. Dominance is what a submissive does for me, not what I do to them – so their efforts generally go under the radar of an outside observer. I’m served equally well inside or outside of my home and no one needs to be the wiser. However, the fact that I feel the need to remain private about my dynamics is discomforting. It would be great to be able to have power dynamics as openly accepted as other relationship choices – and be able to “wear it out” in a more open fashion.

Now…I’m not a fan of public displays of any type…so, I’m not implying that I’m going to walk my partners on leashes and have them grovel at my feet in public spaces. But it would be nice if the reason I don’t do those things is because they’re not part of my dynamic, rather than not being acceptable to the general public. I could say “screw them” and do it anyway, and some people like to stand out and do things specifically to have people gawk at them…but I have a different set of kinks.

I’ve given some thought about other movements of sexual liberation (because that’s what it will take to make power dynamics “accepted”). It seems that a general indicator of social acceptance is present in media. Media reflects our culture, but it also greatly influences the acceptance of cultural changes by presenting imagery in a positive light. Shows, with characters that people can love and relate to, feature couples exercising liberative practices. Advertisements show acceptance – which means sponsors show acceptance. The message to those not in the movement is, “The movement is OK”. The result is that we SEE the positive imagery repeated, until it begins to feel more “commonplace”. We begin to adopt the imagery and accept it as part of our norm. The power of television, movies, and streams – exposing us to imagery as acceptable, is incredibly powerful in shaping our culture.

LGTBQ and interracial relationships have been passing through this media gauntlet for many years. Most shows, most commercials, and most movies presented in 2020, will feature completely acceptable and loveable couples who are same sex, transgender, and gender fluid. Of course, they’re not all the way there yet, but much progress continues to be made.

I’m old enough to be able to remember back, some 30 years ago, when LGTBQ relationships were just beginning to be visible in media. The gay couple had to fit a pejorative stereotype: Tragic or comedic…but importantly, they were present. When “Will and Grace” came around, people saw successful and happy gay relationships that had substance and meaning. Yes, it was comedic and the characters where neurotic – but Grace and Karen were just as bonkers – so being crazy was not a “Gay Thing”. They were human neurosis: Everyone could relate to the issues they felt. Being gay was accepted and normal – even when you’re nutso.

Interracial couples have made more recent forays into culture. If you’ll notice, mixed race ads are more the norm at this point than at any time in the past…and they’re not presented as exceptions, they’re natural states of affairs. We have new TV shows based around interracial couples. It’s reflective of portions of our culture, and it’s actively shaping the entire culture.

So, I now look at the current, 2020, state of power dynamics. In many ways, power dynamics are where LGTBQ dynamics were 20 years ago: The presence of power dynamics are being recognized. We have shows like “Billions”, “Elementary”, “Bonding”, “CSI”, “Yes, Mistress”, and “Shrimp” all showing accepted power dynamics, everyday people, and professional dominance as an acceptable business. However, they are still promoting stereotypical trope. The participants are still “weird” and are projected as either “damaged” or “comical”.

Yes, things are changing for the better, but are not there yet: Now, the power protagonist is allowed to achieve, but not without caveat. You’ll notice “protected” positives: While “Billions” allowed an openly admitted masochist to be elected to a powerful government office, his wife/mistress is clearly “giving him what he needs” as a dutiful wife and psychological ‘fixer’. She is not allowed (yet) to enjoy her role. Dominance is still not really about her – it’s about her acceptance of, and provision for, her husband’s needs. In “Bonding”, the dominant character is portrayed as dizzy and comical, and has a strange sense of “consent”. In “50 Shades”, the practice of dominance is portrayed in a negative light of childhood trauma. Dominance, in a character, is still only allowed to be satisfying an inner hurt or sadistic rage. It seems that the desire to submit will be accepted earlier than the desire to dominate.

Still, I’m greatly encouraged to see the progress. I trust the protections will be removed. I see more people allowed to have normal relationships that happen to have power dynamics. Soon, without the need to be kinky and salacious. Of course, we’ll know that we’ve reached total acceptance when the word “Kinky” stops being used to describe power dynamics. Once it’s an acceptable option, it stops being exceptional and becomes more mainstream.

I’m looking forward to the day when the power dynamics within a relationship are openly visible and readily accepted, regardless of gender. I’m empowered by the progress that’s been made and I’m boldened by the direction media is taking in reflecting and influencing these cultural changes. I do believe we’re 15-20 years from acceptance…possibly sooner. I hope to see the day!

– Rika.

Rika’s Lair – Finding the Potential Dominant in Any Partner

March 29, 2020 By Ms. Rika 5 Comments

This week, I’m going to discuss a topic that, I recognize, has been done to the hilt. I’m talking about finding a dominant when you’re a submissive. There are dozens of articles and even books on the subject. I run the risk of saying the same old tired things about “getting out there”, “being yourself”, or “go to munches; get involved” – all of which are obviously good things to do and I recommend you do them. But for this week’s conversation, I want to share some ideas that you might want to consider once you’ve done all of that, and are now face-to-face with a prospective partner. What are you looking for? How do you determine if this is a long-term partner to whom you can submit?

Since we’re talking about long-term relationships, my first piece of advice, is that you don’t look at this person as a dominant, and look carefully at them as a relationship partner who also enjoys dominance.

The façade of “Compatibility” The problem many submissives face is that they approach a partner with a preconceived notion of what submission means. They’ve already determined what kinks they want to pursue and they believe that the “right” partner is the one who wants what they want and defines submission the way they do. They think that this is “compatibility” and they search for it. Sadly, they don’t find it very often, mostly because they have narrowed their search criteria to such a tiny target.

When these submissives meet and discuss the possibility of establishing a power dynamic with an actual partner, they probe to find that specific definition of compatibility, and when it isn’t there, they assume the partner isn’t “into it”, “doesn’t know how to dominate”, or “just isn’t dominant”.

Sometimes, they’ll find a partner who is willing to play the role of “dominant” for them, but that fades over time for a variety of reasons, usually because that role is not their natural personality. The professional domination business is founded on this…giving clients exactly what they believe dominance is and creating the illusion that their fantasy exists naturally (as long as they pay for it).

To make it worse, most dominants have imagery of what D/s and BDSM is. This imagery is formed by the media’s sensationalized portrayal of sick and damaged people who live to hurt others. When they approach a prospective partner and start a discussion about dominance and submission, that imagery kicks in – and the prospect is repelled by it. You tell a prospective partner that you have a “deep bondage fetish”, and they don’t imagine the fun of patiently exploring someone’s body when they helplessly can’t influence the direction you take, they imagine torture and evil…they imagine that they must be bitchy and screaming and out of control bull whipping until they are drawing blood. I’m not saying there aren’t dominants out there who would enjoy that…but there are far fewer than those who would really get off on a partner who wants to fulfill their natural preferences and who would really enjoy tying you up and overstimulating you with sensations.

If you’ve been reading my column or have read my books, by now you know about my “Dominant- Centric” methodology for establishing D/s dynamics in relationships, in which submission is defined by the preferences of the dominant and the submissive’s goal is to provide for what the dominant truly

feels is FOR the dominant. This may, or may not entail things that are done TO the submissive. The approach is driven by INTENT: Why the sub does something is far more important than what is done. Submission is found when your intent is to serve a dominant as their submissive. Submission becomes the active role. Rather than laying back and being “done while helpless to resist”, the submissive is actively PROVIDING the things that the dominant feels serves them. These may or may not be “kinky”…but when your INTENT is to serve and your partner acknowledges that intent and receives it from a position of dominance, it’s kinky no matter how mundane.

So…as a submissive looking for a dominant, your challenge is to determine if you could be happy serving a dominant the way they want to be served, even if it isn’t what your current imagery thinks it “should” be. If you would be up for that, then your next challenge is to approach a potential partner in a way that helps them introspect and determine what truly serves them – putting away the imagery that they invariably has already formed regarding this type of activity. You want to help them define what your submission to them looks like. What will they truly find makes them feel naturally served? What does submission to this unique person look like, if they’re NOT playing the “ROLE” of dominant, rather, how does one submit to the person they are, not the image of a role they’re playing?

What this mindset does, is it opens the doors of possibility to ANY partner…not just those who have identified as “a dominant”, or worse, a dominant who enjoys ‘x’. It implies that you should find a partner with whom you connect first, and THEN determine how the D/s will work for you two. Together, you define the UNIQUE service that you will provide, customized to the dominant’s preferences and in total lock step with who they are as a person naturally. No games…just a lifetime of power dynamics.

Rika.

Ms. Rika (Ms_Rika@hotmail.com) is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A-Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

Rika’s Lair – A Question of Correlation: Female Empowerment and Female Dominance

March 15, 2020 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

A short time ago, I received the following question regarding the possible correlation between increased female empowerment and equality in society and an increase in Female Dominance in relationships.

In these days of increased female empowerment, sexual equality and opportunity for women, is there a correlation in terms of increased female domination and ladies that become dommes as a matter of progression? I was wondering, as ladies gain more control in everyday life, and most walks of life have an increasingly level playing field, if the mindset has changed?

I wanted to share my thoughts on this with you this week, because I assert that the OPPOSITE correlation will occur; that as a result of increased equality and opportunity, there will be a DECREASE in adoption of Femdom as a kink in relationships and a reduction in the demand for professional female domination.

Now this is a tricky assertion to prove or disprove at this point in time, because we happen to be in a period of growth in the acceptance of power dynamics (and kink that may accompany that) in our society. This growth seems to be driven by the media reflecting a trend towards the acceptance of dominance in our culture. I want to be careful to credit the liberal acceptance of diversity and individualism for this groundswell, rather than assume it is based solely on sexual equality. Media is beginning to include BDSM and, in particular Femdom, as a matter of accepted practice, rather than as a weird anomaly. We have Billions, Elementary, Bonding, and most recently Zelda Williams’ Shrimp breaking mainstream prime-time boundaries with threads of normalcy and acceptance of power dynamics. Then there’s the impact of 50 shades, which, although just an awful depiction, speaks volumes to the increasing acceptance within our culture (all of this coverage is still camp and riddled with stereotypes and old tropes, but it’s changing. In many ways, coverage of Femdom is analogous to the way LGBT movements were depicted 10-15 years ago. That gives me some hope).

Therefore, I see a rise in the acceptance of BDSM and Femdom in our culture, due to a drive towards diversity and acceptance and less about sexual equality. BDSM of all forms is becoming more accepted and being treated more than a “Gay Paradigm”.

Specifically, with regard to the correlation of female empowerment to female dominance, I start by pointing out the obvious: There is sexuality assumed in the notions of Femdom. The “Fem” portion of Femdom implies female sexuality and separates it from other forms of dominance. Any doubt that there is sexuality in Femdom, ask a man who submits to women if he’d like to submit to a man – and see how many say yes. There will be a number who will, but watch how fast the numbers dwindle. IT therefore follows that Femdom is a form of sexual manipulation. It’s not a bad thing…but it’s a fact to face: As a dominant, you are allowing service that is motivated, at least in part by your gender. Your power comes from leveraging a man’s commitment to serve a woman.

Before the 1970’s, the major sphere of influence women had was their sexuality. Until relatively recently, we have not been allowed to vote, to represent constituents in politics, to influence business, or

to express our opinions – in any place other than our homes and with our families – in our role as matriarch. The only “power” we had was that men desired us and needed us, and we could leverage that to our advantage to influence the men in our life to impact change. This is not a statement of desire, it’s a reflection of the avenues available to us to demonstrate our strength and to represent our point of view. Men became the proxies for the power we could have – in an unspoken and unacknowledged manner.

Given that definition of Femdom and the reality of women’s source of power in the past, I then look at this as a factor of opportunity. It’s my assertion that the more we (women) are able to achieve positions of power and control in society and business outside of our sexuality, the less we will CHOOSE to use sexuality as a lever of dominance. Not that we won’t continue to do so, but it will be just one of MANY options; and having options will dilute the number of women who opt for any single one. In extension, I therefore see true empowerment as having a potentially negative correlation on Femdom adoption.

The last point regards assumed gender roles. In pre-1970’s households, the woman’s role was assumed to be submissive and subservient. In the bedroom, it was assumed that women were pleasers and that the notion of pleasing women was reserved for special instances. When a man and a woman closed their doors, there was an assumed set of roles to be played. There was an assumed power dynamic in play. Anything contrary to that male-dominant dynamic was “Kinky”. Now, there are fewer and fewer assumed roles. Couples may or may not take on a power dynamic. Either may choose to be the pleaser or the pleased. Both have expectations of being pleased. and they may forgo the power element entirely.

So my conclusion is pretty straight forward: As women, times have changed and continue to change for us. There are new areas of communication for our thoughts and ideas. We have new rights and new channels and more are opening up all the time. We have OPTIONS that we have never had in the past. We are looked at for our brains and not our bodies – for the first time outside of our personal relationships. It’s natural that we will opt for those new avenues to exert our influence – and not be limited to sexuality as that means. We didn’t get stronger; we just have more ways to exert our strength! My point is just that, having more options dilutes the demand for any single one. So, I assert that empowerment in multiple venues will have a detrimental impact on the use of sexuality as a tool for influence.

Rika.

Rika’s Lair-Marrying Your Power Partner

March 8, 2020 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

The question of marriage, as it relates to power dynamics, seems to baffle people. I often get asked, “Should a dominant marry their submissive?” or, “Is marriage the ultimate statement of submission?”. There are discussion groups in sites like FetLife.com, devoted to marriage and D/s. People continually conflate the notions of power dynamics and relationship dynamics – and that leads them to confusion regarding the notions of depth and commitment related to each.

I’ve participated in a substantial number of discussions with people who believe that getting married to their D/s partner is a symbol of the level of their commitment to their power dynamic. I’ve also seen the opposite, where dominants feel that marrying their submissives would elevate their partner’s power and make them less submissive.

I am of the belief that D/s and marriage are completely independent notions and that, while marriage might be considered to be the pinnacle of a romantic relationship, it provides absolutely no indication of the degree of seriousness of a power dynamic. Furthermore, power dynamics can be layered onto any type of relationship – not necessarily romantic ones – and therefore, marriage might not even be appropriate for the underlying relationship type, no matter how strong the power dynamic.

I actually take these conversations to the next level. Consider, “Why get married?”

Let’s say you have a loving, committed submissive…completely dedicated to you. He has promised to serve your needs, whatever those entail, for the rest of his life. He worships you and the ground you walk on. You have everything you want from him. Why marry him?

The point of this is not to question the value of marriage…it’s to bring focus to what it is about MARRIAGE that changes a relationship. Marriage is a mutual commitment of fidelity religiously, and a merger of assets legally. Socially, it’s a statement of togetherness and family. What does any of that have to do with power dynamics?

Whether marriage is appropriate for your relationship is a question for the relationship itself, not for the power dynamic. It doesn’t make the power dynamic any stronger or weaker. It brings the relationship to another level…but as I pointed out before, a deeper relationship does not necessitate a deeper power dynamic.

So the reason you get married is not about power dynamics…it’s about relationship dynamics. The reasoning is not different for those with power dynamics than those without them.

A non-married couple can have the same level of commitment, intimacy, the “seriousness” in their D/s dynamic as a married one. They can even have a “commitment” ceremony in front of friends and family members, without the paperwork and legality of marriage … So, why choose marriage? What is it about marriage that would deepen your D/s dynamic?

Some argue that marriage is a statement of “forever” and adds a finality to a commitment to serve. Others argue that it’s a commitment of fidelity. I argue that such commitments can be made without the act of marriage (and you don’t have to look very far to determine the voracity of the binding nature of the fidelity clause of marriage!) The only thing marriage adds is a legal blending of assets – something that is, in and of itself, questionable – if viewed from an “imbalance of power”-perspective.

Do not get me wrong…I’m entirely pro-marriage. I’ve been married for more than 30 years. I’m a firm believer in its sanctity and of the seriousness of commitment in relationship that it entails. But I’m married because of the depth of my romantic relationship. Yes, it so happens that my husband is also my primary submissive – but he’s not my primary submissive because he’s my husband – and he’s not my husband because he’s my primary submissive…These are distinctly different parts of our overall relationship, blended into one. Like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, they’re two great things, rolled into one delicious package. It’s my layer cake analogy.

The decision to marry is simply NOT a D/s decision. You can have a deeply committed, intense, D/s power dynamic built on a platonic friendship, and equally, you can have a casual, occasional, playtime power dynamic on a healthy 50-year marriage…and all variations in between. Being married doesn’t make your power dynamic any stronger (or weaker), or more committed than a couple who doesn’t choose to be married.

I will also point out that power dynamics, by themselves, do not strengthen a marriage…not more than any other common interest, shared passion, or other aspects of compatibility. Good sex lives certainly help relationships, but they’re not the basis for those relationships. Most relationships based primarily on sex don’t last. People who try to use power dynamics as a means to sure up a failing marriage, usually do not find a lasting solution. The layers don’t influence each other that way. Relationships survive on trust, communication, respect, honesty, openness, and mutual caring. Power dynamics are delicious icing on the cake!

Rika.

Rika’s Lair-Please and Thank you

February 16, 2020 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

This morning, I received a PM on Fetlife from a woman who is new to dominance. She was a switch in past relationships, but found that she would like to take on the dominant role with her current boyfriend. She started reading through “Uniquely Rika” and, as I often do, we started chatting as she read chapter by chapter.

Today, she asked me whether it was “OK” for a dominant to say “Please” and “Thank You”, when dealing with her submissive. She indicated that she feels compelled by her upbringing to be polite and show gratitude to people, but she was finding that her submissive was reacting negatively to her doing so. She was trying to suppress being polite, which was unsettling and unnatural for her. Uniquely Rika was telling her the importance of remaining herself as a dominant, and she was conflicted over what would amount to be a major change in her personality.

To attack this situation, you first need to understand why there’s a problem. What’s wrong with being polite to a submissive? In reality, it’s actually not that you can’t be polite – but that politeness can be misinterpreted by a submissive as a lack of your awareness of their commitment to serve. A sub who feels that their dominant is “pleading” for them to do something (which is, technically, what saying ‘Please’ is), or one who is led to feel that the dominant doesn’t recognize their intent because they are being thanked for doing something that the power dynamic compels them to do, may feel alone in their dynamic. In previous articles, we’ve identified this feeling and addressed how it destroys dynamics and causes submissives to behave less submissively.

Dominants like myself, who are polite, are now likely thinking, “So wait a minute, I can’t do what I want and what makes me comfortable, because the sub might not like it? I’m the dominant and need to remain who I am!”. You are correct…but there IS a problem that needs to be addressed. Well, don’t fret, there’s a very reasonable solution. We absolutely can be polite, but we need to be aware of how it might be interpreted, and therefore, be clear as to our INTENT when we are.

Subs are compelled by their commitment., but the one thing that a submissive actually DECIDES to do, is to remain your submissive. “Free will” implies that, at any time, a submissive has the right to walk away from the dynamic. They’re living up to their commitment when they serve you, however, they are CHOOSING to remain your submissive by doing so…and that’s something you can definitely thank them for.

Therefore, thank the sub for their submission, not their actions. Rather than saying, “Thank you for rubbing my back”, you might say, “Thank you for serving me so well by rubbing my back”. A sub is going to dread the former, and will LOVE the latter. The message in the latter is an affirmation of your power dynamic and has no chance of being misinterpreted. In this way, “Thank You” is intended and interpreted as “I appreciate you and your commitment to serve me“.

“I appreciate you as my submissive” is a great message…”Thanks for being my sub”, “I love having you as my sub” – are all terrific words of praise. Whereas, “Thanks for doing things I tell you to do“, has a good chance of undermining the premise of your power dynamic.

Still, some will feel it unnatural and unnecessary to have to think about this and remember to phrase their thanks in a specific way. The good news is, it doesn’t have to last long. Once you establish your intent with a partner, you won’t need that formality. When you’re first starting a dynamic, being more explicit is going to help you. Make sure to specify “For your service”. Go out of your way to be crystal clear as to the intent of your thanks. This helps them know that you are active and involved in your dynamics. Once your intent is established, and there is less likelihood that your statements will be misinterpreted, you can shorten your delivery if you feel more comfortable doing so.

Just make sure you are clear in your intent and remain aware of how misunderstood politeness can be.

– Rika.

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