Ms. Rika

Rika’s Lair- Avoiding Escalation and Exploring Together

May 24, 2020 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!

This week, I’d like to rekindle a thread I started a bit over a year ago in my FetLife group. The topic is “Escalation”; a concept on which many relationships stumble…so, I think it’s a particularly important area to discuss.

Escalation is a common technique employed by people while trying to introduce a new dynamic to their “vanilla” partners. The logic is, start slow, get your partner used to it, and then escalate to deeper and deeper intensities. When your partner does small things, you react openly with lots of positive energy, rewarding the for their efforts, and then after a while, once they’ve gotten comfortable with that level, you move to take it to the next. That’s the way escalation is thought to work…

…Only it doesn’t really work that way.

The reality of escalation is that, to the escalated partner, there becomes no end in sight. This can be a particularly scary revelation, if they don’t feel in control of when escalation occurs, or if you both will escalate at all. They may feel that you will never be satisfied; that no matter what they do, their efforts will never be enough – and they won’t want to continue. If they feel that you don’t appreciate what they’ve done already, your efforts will feel like you’re manipulating them to do more, and they will resent it…and resist it.

Still, starting something new by going slow is a good idea. So how can you help your partner to be comfortable trying something new, without jumping in full-bore? Here are some recommendations that have worked for others:

Don’t try to hide your intent. Talk about escalation up front. If you’re starting slow, let your partner know that. Let them know that what you’re doing is designed to give them a feel for an activity and then see if they want to take it further. Note: if THEY want to take it further. Give your partner the decision power (in reality, it’s theirs anyway, so you may as well let them feel that it is) and make sure you’re willing to stop and not push further. This will remove the pressure your partner is going to feel from you and make them feel more in control.
Check in with your partner periodically and be open to THEIR direction for escalation. Do they enjoy the activity? Do they think this is something that they may want to continue with? You’re enjoying it, but Is there some variation that would bring your partner more enjoyment? The escalation does not need to follow your intended path…perhaps they’d like to escalate it in a direction that suits THEM better? Your way is not necessarily better…because what’s going to be better for you is going to be what’s better for your partner. Having a partner who is happy doing what they’re doing is going to be more fulfilling than one who constantly feels like they’re doing you a favor.
Provide realistic, tempered feedback. There is a temptation to overplay how happy you are with the early levels of experimentation. You think that, by showing your partner overwhelming happiness – how incredibly excited this all makes you – they will want to do more. But you’re setting yourself up for disappointment because, when the conversation turns to escalation,

they’re going to feel that their efforts aren’t “good enough” and that your excitement wasn’t genuine. They will feel manipulated, even if they know the escalation is coming. Be happy, show that you’re happy…just keep it realistic and within the scope of the level of escalation that you’re in.

Provide feedback that’s focused on your appreciation of your partner, not on the activity itself: When you demonstrate your happiness, don’t focus on what your partner’s doing or how they’re doing it – don’t critique their execution (good or bad), unless they ask you. Rather, focus your feedback on how happy THEY make you by being so open to ideas, and by being courageous and willing to try new things. Show your appreciation that they’re willing to go on this adventure with you.
Lastly, be sure your partner knows you’re happy with who they are, not just what they’re doing. They’re doing this for you, and even if they suddenly come to love the activity, keep your enthusiasm focused on your appreciation of your partner and who they are. Another way to consider this is, it’s a feeling that’s special and unique because of your partner. Not just anyone could make you so happy just by doing the activity…It’s best because your partner is exploring this with you.

This will give you a chance to find happiness and fulfillment with your partner. You will not be manipulating them, rather, you will be engaging with them and moving together towards a new destination.

I hope you keep this in mind when you find yourself embarking on a new direction with a partner! As always, I welcome your thoughts!

I wish all of you, health and safety during this crazy time.

– Rika

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Rika’s Lair- If You Want To Submit, Submit!

April 26, 2020 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!

This week, I’m going on a little rant. Over the past couple of months, I’ve been working with a number of couples who have been sharing a very similar issue. The submissive, in these cases men (though this is certainly not limited to gender), have entered into their dynamics expecting their partners to enforce their submission. What I mean by “enforcing submission” is quite literal: They want the dominant to make them submit – to watch them for any infractions, punish them, and to wield threats of pain or frustration as a means to gain compliance. One wants spankings, one wants to be kept in chastity forever (“to motivate his submission”), another wants to give up all of his possessions and worth and become indentured, and yet another wants to be blackmailed. To compound the issue, in all cases, the dominants don’t really prefer these requests, however, rather than challenging these expectations, are asking for help in how to fulfill them!

The theme is a common one.

I want to point out that it’s possible that a dominant wants the challenge and enjoys the “conquering” nature of overpowering their submissive. However, they also might not – and in the case of these couples, the dominants are not in favor of the scenarios, but are trying to go along with them, either to please their partner – or because their partner is impossible without it.

Aside from the obvious “topping from the bottom” and manipulation in the approaches, I’m bothered by the NOTION of a dominant being asked to enforce submission. Here are a few reasons:

First of all, it makes it seem that the submissive feels that submission is shameful or unnatural and therefore needs to be forced, as if, they would never allow it to happen otherwise. They seem ashamed to admit that they enjoy submission; ashamed to agree to serve their partner, and so, need to be manipulated into it, “against their will”
The attitude of “Force Me”, puts the onus and responsibility of assuring good service on the dominant. I’ve talked a lot about this in my books and other articles. This puts the submissive in the driver’s seat; in position to judge whether the dominant is convincing enough to warrant their submission. This puts the dominant in the position of having to “prove their worth” to the submissive.
“You do the work…and I’ll follow, because I have to” is a lazy position. It’s forcing a role of enforcer, or ‘warden’ onto the dominant partner. For a dominant who doesn’t want this type of role, they don’t get anything out of this except more work. It is a very non-submissive attitude.

How I see it… As far as I’m concerned, I’m not MAKING a man want to submit – I’m LETTING him submit. He’s a submissive – He wants to submit! This notion that a man who claims to be submissive, needs to be tricked, manipulated, reduced, forced, coerced, etc. into submission is simply hogwash.

My advice to submissives: If you want to submit, submit. If you don’t, don’t…but I would consider it bottoming, not submission. If you choose to submit, seek out what your dominant considers to be

submission – what they feel will make them most happy with you as a submissive – and adapt to provide whatever that is with all of your heart and soul. Make your dominant the center of your definition of submission – their preferences…their definition. Serve the person…not some role being played.

When you are serving a dominant the way a dominant wants to be served, which may, or may not be your traditional definition of submissive behavior, you’re not just a bottom in a scene, because the motivation for your actions are to please your dominant – the way they want to be pleased (and consequently, the way they will be most pleased).

Most natural submissives I’ve met, find this to be far more fulfilling than being with a dominant who is not pleasing themself, but rather trying to become some fantasy.

Dominants, here’s another way to look at this: If someone came to you and said, “I’d like the job of painting your house” and you decided to give them that work, it’s likely that you’re going to pick the color, agree on a schedule, and be the final arbiter on “completeness”…but I’m certain the implication isn’t that you’re going to force them to work each day – through threat or coercion, tell them exactly how to paint the house, make them clean their equipment, and force them to complete the job! The mark of good workers is that they do those things themselves…it’s their responsibility; they know it and accept it.

A good, dominant-focused submissive is a good worker; one who takes ownership of their submission and responsibility for their behavior. They are self-motivated to do the job, do it right, and be proud of the result they can achieve. They adapt to your preferences and deliver without having to be forced (unless that’s what you prefer). Don’t settle for less.

– Rika

Rika’s Lair- Accepting Power Dynamics

April 19, 2020 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

This week, I would like to address the notion of whether relationships that have power dynamics will become mainstreamed, that is, acceptable as one of the normal relationship options within our society.

This morning, I was answering a question regarding being served in public. Given the nature of my power dynamics, there isn’t a lot of stereotypical “Outward Show” in my relationships. Dominance is what a submissive does for me, not what I do to them – so their efforts generally go under the radar of an outside observer. I’m served equally well inside or outside of my home and no one needs to be the wiser. However, the fact that I feel the need to remain private about my dynamics is discomforting. It would be great to be able to have power dynamics as openly accepted as other relationship choices – and be able to “wear it out” in a more open fashion.

Now…I’m not a fan of public displays of any type…so, I’m not implying that I’m going to walk my partners on leashes and have them grovel at my feet in public spaces. But it would be nice if the reason I don’t do those things is because they’re not part of my dynamic, rather than not being acceptable to the general public. I could say “screw them” and do it anyway, and some people like to stand out and do things specifically to have people gawk at them…but I have a different set of kinks.

I’ve given some thought about other movements of sexual liberation (because that’s what it will take to make power dynamics “accepted”). It seems that a general indicator of social acceptance is present in media. Media reflects our culture, but it also greatly influences the acceptance of cultural changes by presenting imagery in a positive light. Shows, with characters that people can love and relate to, feature couples exercising liberative practices. Advertisements show acceptance – which means sponsors show acceptance. The message to those not in the movement is, “The movement is OK”. The result is that we SEE the positive imagery repeated, until it begins to feel more “commonplace”. We begin to adopt the imagery and accept it as part of our norm. The power of television, movies, and streams – exposing us to imagery as acceptable, is incredibly powerful in shaping our culture.

LGTBQ and interracial relationships have been passing through this media gauntlet for many years. Most shows, most commercials, and most movies presented in 2020, will feature completely acceptable and loveable couples who are same sex, transgender, and gender fluid. Of course, they’re not all the way there yet, but much progress continues to be made.

I’m old enough to be able to remember back, some 30 years ago, when LGTBQ relationships were just beginning to be visible in media. The gay couple had to fit a pejorative stereotype: Tragic or comedic…but importantly, they were present. When “Will and Grace” came around, people saw successful and happy gay relationships that had substance and meaning. Yes, it was comedic and the characters where neurotic – but Grace and Karen were just as bonkers – so being crazy was not a “Gay Thing”. They were human neurosis: Everyone could relate to the issues they felt. Being gay was accepted and normal – even when you’re nutso.

Interracial couples have made more recent forays into culture. If you’ll notice, mixed race ads are more the norm at this point than at any time in the past…and they’re not presented as exceptions, they’re natural states of affairs. We have new TV shows based around interracial couples. It’s reflective of portions of our culture, and it’s actively shaping the entire culture.

So, I now look at the current, 2020, state of power dynamics. In many ways, power dynamics are where LGTBQ dynamics were 20 years ago: The presence of power dynamics are being recognized. We have shows like “Billions”, “Elementary”, “Bonding”, “CSI”, “Yes, Mistress”, and “Shrimp” all showing accepted power dynamics, everyday people, and professional dominance as an acceptable business. However, they are still promoting stereotypical trope. The participants are still “weird” and are projected as either “damaged” or “comical”.

Yes, things are changing for the better, but are not there yet: Now, the power protagonist is allowed to achieve, but not without caveat. You’ll notice “protected” positives: While “Billions” allowed an openly admitted masochist to be elected to a powerful government office, his wife/mistress is clearly “giving him what he needs” as a dutiful wife and psychological ‘fixer’. She is not allowed (yet) to enjoy her role. Dominance is still not really about her – it’s about her acceptance of, and provision for, her husband’s needs. In “Bonding”, the dominant character is portrayed as dizzy and comical, and has a strange sense of “consent”. In “50 Shades”, the practice of dominance is portrayed in a negative light of childhood trauma. Dominance, in a character, is still only allowed to be satisfying an inner hurt or sadistic rage. It seems that the desire to submit will be accepted earlier than the desire to dominate.

Still, I’m greatly encouraged to see the progress. I trust the protections will be removed. I see more people allowed to have normal relationships that happen to have power dynamics. Soon, without the need to be kinky and salacious. Of course, we’ll know that we’ve reached total acceptance when the word “Kinky” stops being used to describe power dynamics. Once it’s an acceptable option, it stops being exceptional and becomes more mainstream.

I’m looking forward to the day when the power dynamics within a relationship are openly visible and readily accepted, regardless of gender. I’m empowered by the progress that’s been made and I’m boldened by the direction media is taking in reflecting and influencing these cultural changes. I do believe we’re 15-20 years from acceptance…possibly sooner. I hope to see the day!

– Rika.

Rika’s Lair – Finding the Potential Dominant in Any Partner

March 29, 2020 By Ms. Rika 5 Comments

This week, I’m going to discuss a topic that, I recognize, has been done to the hilt. I’m talking about finding a dominant when you’re a submissive. There are dozens of articles and even books on the subject. I run the risk of saying the same old tired things about “getting out there”, “being yourself”, or “go to munches; get involved” – all of which are obviously good things to do and I recommend you do them. But for this week’s conversation, I want to share some ideas that you might want to consider once you’ve done all of that, and are now face-to-face with a prospective partner. What are you looking for? How do you determine if this is a long-term partner to whom you can submit?

Since we’re talking about long-term relationships, my first piece of advice, is that you don’t look at this person as a dominant, and look carefully at them as a relationship partner who also enjoys dominance.

The façade of “Compatibility” The problem many submissives face is that they approach a partner with a preconceived notion of what submission means. They’ve already determined what kinks they want to pursue and they believe that the “right” partner is the one who wants what they want and defines submission the way they do. They think that this is “compatibility” and they search for it. Sadly, they don’t find it very often, mostly because they have narrowed their search criteria to such a tiny target.

When these submissives meet and discuss the possibility of establishing a power dynamic with an actual partner, they probe to find that specific definition of compatibility, and when it isn’t there, they assume the partner isn’t “into it”, “doesn’t know how to dominate”, or “just isn’t dominant”.

Sometimes, they’ll find a partner who is willing to play the role of “dominant” for them, but that fades over time for a variety of reasons, usually because that role is not their natural personality. The professional domination business is founded on this…giving clients exactly what they believe dominance is and creating the illusion that their fantasy exists naturally (as long as they pay for it).

To make it worse, most dominants have imagery of what D/s and BDSM is. This imagery is formed by the media’s sensationalized portrayal of sick and damaged people who live to hurt others. When they approach a prospective partner and start a discussion about dominance and submission, that imagery kicks in – and the prospect is repelled by it. You tell a prospective partner that you have a “deep bondage fetish”, and they don’t imagine the fun of patiently exploring someone’s body when they helplessly can’t influence the direction you take, they imagine torture and evil…they imagine that they must be bitchy and screaming and out of control bull whipping until they are drawing blood. I’m not saying there aren’t dominants out there who would enjoy that…but there are far fewer than those who would really get off on a partner who wants to fulfill their natural preferences and who would really enjoy tying you up and overstimulating you with sensations.

If you’ve been reading my column or have read my books, by now you know about my “Dominant- Centric” methodology for establishing D/s dynamics in relationships, in which submission is defined by the preferences of the dominant and the submissive’s goal is to provide for what the dominant truly

feels is FOR the dominant. This may, or may not entail things that are done TO the submissive. The approach is driven by INTENT: Why the sub does something is far more important than what is done. Submission is found when your intent is to serve a dominant as their submissive. Submission becomes the active role. Rather than laying back and being “done while helpless to resist”, the submissive is actively PROVIDING the things that the dominant feels serves them. These may or may not be “kinky”…but when your INTENT is to serve and your partner acknowledges that intent and receives it from a position of dominance, it’s kinky no matter how mundane.

So…as a submissive looking for a dominant, your challenge is to determine if you could be happy serving a dominant the way they want to be served, even if it isn’t what your current imagery thinks it “should” be. If you would be up for that, then your next challenge is to approach a potential partner in a way that helps them introspect and determine what truly serves them – putting away the imagery that they invariably has already formed regarding this type of activity. You want to help them define what your submission to them looks like. What will they truly find makes them feel naturally served? What does submission to this unique person look like, if they’re NOT playing the “ROLE” of dominant, rather, how does one submit to the person they are, not the image of a role they’re playing?

What this mindset does, is it opens the doors of possibility to ANY partner…not just those who have identified as “a dominant”, or worse, a dominant who enjoys ‘x’. It implies that you should find a partner with whom you connect first, and THEN determine how the D/s will work for you two. Together, you define the UNIQUE service that you will provide, customized to the dominant’s preferences and in total lock step with who they are as a person naturally. No games…just a lifetime of power dynamics.

Rika.

Ms. Rika (Ms_Rika@hotmail.com) is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A-Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

Rika’s Lair – A Question of Correlation: Female Empowerment and Female Dominance

March 15, 2020 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

A short time ago, I received the following question regarding the possible correlation between increased female empowerment and equality in society and an increase in Female Dominance in relationships.

In these days of increased female empowerment, sexual equality and opportunity for women, is there a correlation in terms of increased female domination and ladies that become dommes as a matter of progression? I was wondering, as ladies gain more control in everyday life, and most walks of life have an increasingly level playing field, if the mindset has changed?

I wanted to share my thoughts on this with you this week, because I assert that the OPPOSITE correlation will occur; that as a result of increased equality and opportunity, there will be a DECREASE in adoption of Femdom as a kink in relationships and a reduction in the demand for professional female domination.

Now this is a tricky assertion to prove or disprove at this point in time, because we happen to be in a period of growth in the acceptance of power dynamics (and kink that may accompany that) in our society. This growth seems to be driven by the media reflecting a trend towards the acceptance of dominance in our culture. I want to be careful to credit the liberal acceptance of diversity and individualism for this groundswell, rather than assume it is based solely on sexual equality. Media is beginning to include BDSM and, in particular Femdom, as a matter of accepted practice, rather than as a weird anomaly. We have Billions, Elementary, Bonding, and most recently Zelda Williams’ Shrimp breaking mainstream prime-time boundaries with threads of normalcy and acceptance of power dynamics. Then there’s the impact of 50 shades, which, although just an awful depiction, speaks volumes to the increasing acceptance within our culture (all of this coverage is still camp and riddled with stereotypes and old tropes, but it’s changing. In many ways, coverage of Femdom is analogous to the way LGBT movements were depicted 10-15 years ago. That gives me some hope).

Therefore, I see a rise in the acceptance of BDSM and Femdom in our culture, due to a drive towards diversity and acceptance and less about sexual equality. BDSM of all forms is becoming more accepted and being treated more than a “Gay Paradigm”.

Specifically, with regard to the correlation of female empowerment to female dominance, I start by pointing out the obvious: There is sexuality assumed in the notions of Femdom. The “Fem” portion of Femdom implies female sexuality and separates it from other forms of dominance. Any doubt that there is sexuality in Femdom, ask a man who submits to women if he’d like to submit to a man – and see how many say yes. There will be a number who will, but watch how fast the numbers dwindle. IT therefore follows that Femdom is a form of sexual manipulation. It’s not a bad thing…but it’s a fact to face: As a dominant, you are allowing service that is motivated, at least in part by your gender. Your power comes from leveraging a man’s commitment to serve a woman.

Before the 1970’s, the major sphere of influence women had was their sexuality. Until relatively recently, we have not been allowed to vote, to represent constituents in politics, to influence business, or

to express our opinions – in any place other than our homes and with our families – in our role as matriarch. The only “power” we had was that men desired us and needed us, and we could leverage that to our advantage to influence the men in our life to impact change. This is not a statement of desire, it’s a reflection of the avenues available to us to demonstrate our strength and to represent our point of view. Men became the proxies for the power we could have – in an unspoken and unacknowledged manner.

Given that definition of Femdom and the reality of women’s source of power in the past, I then look at this as a factor of opportunity. It’s my assertion that the more we (women) are able to achieve positions of power and control in society and business outside of our sexuality, the less we will CHOOSE to use sexuality as a lever of dominance. Not that we won’t continue to do so, but it will be just one of MANY options; and having options will dilute the number of women who opt for any single one. In extension, I therefore see true empowerment as having a potentially negative correlation on Femdom adoption.

The last point regards assumed gender roles. In pre-1970’s households, the woman’s role was assumed to be submissive and subservient. In the bedroom, it was assumed that women were pleasers and that the notion of pleasing women was reserved for special instances. When a man and a woman closed their doors, there was an assumed set of roles to be played. There was an assumed power dynamic in play. Anything contrary to that male-dominant dynamic was “Kinky”. Now, there are fewer and fewer assumed roles. Couples may or may not take on a power dynamic. Either may choose to be the pleaser or the pleased. Both have expectations of being pleased. and they may forgo the power element entirely.

So my conclusion is pretty straight forward: As women, times have changed and continue to change for us. There are new areas of communication for our thoughts and ideas. We have new rights and new channels and more are opening up all the time. We have OPTIONS that we have never had in the past. We are looked at for our brains and not our bodies – for the first time outside of our personal relationships. It’s natural that we will opt for those new avenues to exert our influence – and not be limited to sexuality as that means. We didn’t get stronger; we just have more ways to exert our strength! My point is just that, having more options dilutes the demand for any single one. So, I assert that empowerment in multiple venues will have a detrimental impact on the use of sexuality as a tool for influence.

Rika.

Rika’s Lair-Marrying Your Power Partner

March 8, 2020 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

The question of marriage, as it relates to power dynamics, seems to baffle people. I often get asked, “Should a dominant marry their submissive?” or, “Is marriage the ultimate statement of submission?”. There are discussion groups in sites like FetLife.com, devoted to marriage and D/s. People continually conflate the notions of power dynamics and relationship dynamics – and that leads them to confusion regarding the notions of depth and commitment related to each.

I’ve participated in a substantial number of discussions with people who believe that getting married to their D/s partner is a symbol of the level of their commitment to their power dynamic. I’ve also seen the opposite, where dominants feel that marrying their submissives would elevate their partner’s power and make them less submissive.

I am of the belief that D/s and marriage are completely independent notions and that, while marriage might be considered to be the pinnacle of a romantic relationship, it provides absolutely no indication of the degree of seriousness of a power dynamic. Furthermore, power dynamics can be layered onto any type of relationship – not necessarily romantic ones – and therefore, marriage might not even be appropriate for the underlying relationship type, no matter how strong the power dynamic.

I actually take these conversations to the next level. Consider, “Why get married?”

Let’s say you have a loving, committed submissive…completely dedicated to you. He has promised to serve your needs, whatever those entail, for the rest of his life. He worships you and the ground you walk on. You have everything you want from him. Why marry him?

The point of this is not to question the value of marriage…it’s to bring focus to what it is about MARRIAGE that changes a relationship. Marriage is a mutual commitment of fidelity religiously, and a merger of assets legally. Socially, it’s a statement of togetherness and family. What does any of that have to do with power dynamics?

Whether marriage is appropriate for your relationship is a question for the relationship itself, not for the power dynamic. It doesn’t make the power dynamic any stronger or weaker. It brings the relationship to another level…but as I pointed out before, a deeper relationship does not necessitate a deeper power dynamic.

So the reason you get married is not about power dynamics…it’s about relationship dynamics. The reasoning is not different for those with power dynamics than those without them.

A non-married couple can have the same level of commitment, intimacy, the “seriousness” in their D/s dynamic as a married one. They can even have a “commitment” ceremony in front of friends and family members, without the paperwork and legality of marriage … So, why choose marriage? What is it about marriage that would deepen your D/s dynamic?

Some argue that marriage is a statement of “forever” and adds a finality to a commitment to serve. Others argue that it’s a commitment of fidelity. I argue that such commitments can be made without the act of marriage (and you don’t have to look very far to determine the voracity of the binding nature of the fidelity clause of marriage!) The only thing marriage adds is a legal blending of assets – something that is, in and of itself, questionable – if viewed from an “imbalance of power”-perspective.

Do not get me wrong…I’m entirely pro-marriage. I’ve been married for more than 30 years. I’m a firm believer in its sanctity and of the seriousness of commitment in relationship that it entails. But I’m married because of the depth of my romantic relationship. Yes, it so happens that my husband is also my primary submissive – but he’s not my primary submissive because he’s my husband – and he’s not my husband because he’s my primary submissive…These are distinctly different parts of our overall relationship, blended into one. Like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, they’re two great things, rolled into one delicious package. It’s my layer cake analogy.

The decision to marry is simply NOT a D/s decision. You can have a deeply committed, intense, D/s power dynamic built on a platonic friendship, and equally, you can have a casual, occasional, playtime power dynamic on a healthy 50-year marriage…and all variations in between. Being married doesn’t make your power dynamic any stronger (or weaker), or more committed than a couple who doesn’t choose to be married.

I will also point out that power dynamics, by themselves, do not strengthen a marriage…not more than any other common interest, shared passion, or other aspects of compatibility. Good sex lives certainly help relationships, but they’re not the basis for those relationships. Most relationships based primarily on sex don’t last. People who try to use power dynamics as a means to sure up a failing marriage, usually do not find a lasting solution. The layers don’t influence each other that way. Relationships survive on trust, communication, respect, honesty, openness, and mutual caring. Power dynamics are delicious icing on the cake!

Rika.

Rika’s Lair-Please and Thank you

February 16, 2020 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

This morning, I received a PM on Fetlife from a woman who is new to dominance. She was a switch in past relationships, but found that she would like to take on the dominant role with her current boyfriend. She started reading through “Uniquely Rika” and, as I often do, we started chatting as she read chapter by chapter.

Today, she asked me whether it was “OK” for a dominant to say “Please” and “Thank You”, when dealing with her submissive. She indicated that she feels compelled by her upbringing to be polite and show gratitude to people, but she was finding that her submissive was reacting negatively to her doing so. She was trying to suppress being polite, which was unsettling and unnatural for her. Uniquely Rika was telling her the importance of remaining herself as a dominant, and she was conflicted over what would amount to be a major change in her personality.

To attack this situation, you first need to understand why there’s a problem. What’s wrong with being polite to a submissive? In reality, it’s actually not that you can’t be polite – but that politeness can be misinterpreted by a submissive as a lack of your awareness of their commitment to serve. A sub who feels that their dominant is “pleading” for them to do something (which is, technically, what saying ‘Please’ is), or one who is led to feel that the dominant doesn’t recognize their intent because they are being thanked for doing something that the power dynamic compels them to do, may feel alone in their dynamic. In previous articles, we’ve identified this feeling and addressed how it destroys dynamics and causes submissives to behave less submissively.

Dominants like myself, who are polite, are now likely thinking, “So wait a minute, I can’t do what I want and what makes me comfortable, because the sub might not like it? I’m the dominant and need to remain who I am!”. You are correct…but there IS a problem that needs to be addressed. Well, don’t fret, there’s a very reasonable solution. We absolutely can be polite, but we need to be aware of how it might be interpreted, and therefore, be clear as to our INTENT when we are.

Subs are compelled by their commitment., but the one thing that a submissive actually DECIDES to do, is to remain your submissive. “Free will” implies that, at any time, a submissive has the right to walk away from the dynamic. They’re living up to their commitment when they serve you, however, they are CHOOSING to remain your submissive by doing so…and that’s something you can definitely thank them for.

Therefore, thank the sub for their submission, not their actions. Rather than saying, “Thank you for rubbing my back”, you might say, “Thank you for serving me so well by rubbing my back”. A sub is going to dread the former, and will LOVE the latter. The message in the latter is an affirmation of your power dynamic and has no chance of being misinterpreted. In this way, “Thank You” is intended and interpreted as “I appreciate you and your commitment to serve me“.

“I appreciate you as my submissive” is a great message…”Thanks for being my sub”, “I love having you as my sub” – are all terrific words of praise. Whereas, “Thanks for doing things I tell you to do“, has a good chance of undermining the premise of your power dynamic.

Still, some will feel it unnatural and unnecessary to have to think about this and remember to phrase their thanks in a specific way. The good news is, it doesn’t have to last long. Once you establish your intent with a partner, you won’t need that formality. When you’re first starting a dynamic, being more explicit is going to help you. Make sure to specify “For your service”. Go out of your way to be crystal clear as to the intent of your thanks. This helps them know that you are active and involved in your dynamics. Once your intent is established, and there is less likelihood that your statements will be misinterpreted, you can shorten your delivery if you feel more comfortable doing so.

Just make sure you are clear in your intent and remain aware of how misunderstood politeness can be.

– Rika.

Rika’s Lair-Re-Declaring Affirmation

January 19, 2020 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

Each week, I get a number of emails from couples who are struggling with issues regarding their power dynamics. I’ve noticed that often, they are looking for insights or tips to manage conflicts stemming from communication gaps and differences in intent between partners.

One of the commonly raised issues is a feeling that one partner is not as actively involved in the power dynamic as the other – leaving one feeling alone in their commitment. The suspicion that the dynamic only exists their mind is a lonely and unsettling feeling.

By far, the major causes of this feeling are the realities of daily life. Pressures of family, jobs, time, etc. weigh on our minds and we can easily get distracted from the interaction with our partners. This is not a D/s phenomenon; it exists in many aspects of relationships – but when it seems that one partner has forgotten the dynamic in times of stress or high-activity, it leaves the impression that they don’t value the dynamic. This is usually not true, but the feeling is very real, nevertheless. When faced with this situation, many subs withdraw, become sullen, or act up in rather non-submissive ways in an attempt to gain the dominant’s involvement.

To overcome this fear, it’s important to periodically redeclare our involvement in the power dynamic – To touch base with each other, communicating that we’re still active and involved – even when other pressures are distracting us.

For submissives, the act of declaration is a bit easier. Subs reaffirm their commitment with their every dominant-centric action. The dedication they show in foregoing sub-centric focus for the fulfillment of the dominant, communicates their involvement. For the dominant, particularly in a dominant-centric dynamic, redeclaration can be a bit trickier, because you have to be careful to avoid the possibility that your affirmation will be interpreted in a sub-centric context or force them to act against their natural flow.

There are varied ways for the dominant to safely redeclare their involvement. I’ve covered many of these in my previous articles here in Kink Weekly, and also in my books: The use of CERAF (Communication, Expectation, Recognition, Assessment, and Feedback) sends a clear message of active participation. “Simple Gifts” – small, gestures that highlight the imbalance of the power dynamic are a great affirmation tool in the dominant’s arsenal. Capricious denial demonstrates recognized control and power imbalance. Using tools like these, the dominant can communicate their connection to the dynamic in a way that’s unmistakable, while avoiding any undue demands on themselves.

Redeclaration can be formalized. Sean and Dave, a couple featured in my second book, “Uniquely Us”, took an idea that I had used with my husband, many years ago, and added an interesting technique for redeclaring their dynamic. As I did, Sean gave Dave a two-stranded braided leather band to wear on his right wrist. It became his “clandestine collar”. To the outsider looking in, it’s just a bracelet, but to Sean and Dave (and my husband and I), it represents the two of them, intertwined in their dynamic. The twist that Sean and Dave added, was a standing rule that, whenever they would come together after being

apart for more than an hour, Dave would kiss the bracelet and say the words, “Thank you”. It’s a very doable routine. The bracelet is on his own wrist. It can be done in public or private, and it’s up to Dave (the sub) to make sure the routine is carried out. In doing so, it redeclares his love and commitment to their dynamic. In watching and acknowledging, Sean reaffirms and allows Dave to feel his presence. Simple. Effective.

Whether or not you choose a formal manifestation of your affirmation, the advice here is to remain aware of how often you redeclare your commitment to your power dynamic. Never let you partner feel alone. It’s a bit like a kiss before bedtime, every night.

Redeclaring your connection and letting your partner know that you’re active and involved in the commitment you share, contributes tremendously to the long-termed success of your dynamic. Do it!

Rika.

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Contact her at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Rika’s Lair-Autonomous Submissives

January 12, 2020 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

This week, I was looking through articles on autonomous vehicles and started to think about my submissives. Strange correlation, you say? Well, maybe not as strange as it seems!

We have cars because it’s really difficult to walk long distances and it’s quicker and more convenient than riding horses or bicycles. Our goal is to make our lives easier and to get where we’re going in as efficient and effective a manner possible. We COULD choose not to use a car, but using one is much easier on us physically – gives us more free time – and is generally more comfortable.

When we drive a car, we have some decisions to make: Where do we want to go?…What time do we want to arrive?…Which route should we take? Then, as we’re driving, we steer our cars, redirecting the energy and power of the vehicle to get us where we want to go. Steering a car does not require a lot of physical work, certainly not when compared to the energy levels necessary to transport us there, but there is some work and planning required.

Emotional connection to my submissives aside, I find the utilitarian nature of having a submissive to be particularly analogous to that of my automobiles. Like planning a trip, there is work for me to do: I know what I want, I spend time (energy) introspecting and determining direction, I communicate that to my submissive – and EXPECT my submissive to work to get us there. I adjust the sub’s energy, not much differently than how I make micro-adjustments when I drive my car and the car starts to drift out of lane. I’m “working” by direction setting, planning, and adjusting, but just as the car is doing the physical labor of moving us, I look to the submissive to generate the labor energy to get the tasks complete.

Reading about autonomous cars brought this analogy to the next level. In the near future, we are going to tell our car where we want to go – and our car is going to figure out the most efficient and most effective route, suggest the best time to leave, and then make it happen, keeping itself in lane automatially. Could we override and adjust those decisions? Sure. But, as any of us who’ve “disobeyed” Waze has likely already concluded, most of the time, it will be easier and better, to let the car do what it needs to do to avoid traffic and get us there safely.

I have always viewed my subs in a similar way. I believe that two minds are better than one, when it comes to problem solving and execution. My sub has a brain, I choose to use it. As my sub gets to know me – my tastes, and my preferences – he becomes more and more like an autonomous vehicle. I communicate my preferences, and then he does the work to figure out what will be the most effective and efficient means to get that done. Sure, I can override his decisions and am free to make adjustments along the way (I may feel like taking a specific route), but most of the time, it is far more practical (and far less stressful) to allow him to do the work to get me where I want to go.

Having a sub, like having a car, makes accomplishing a task easier. I still need to decide where I want to go – and I still need to monitor and adjust – but the better my sub understands and internalizes my preferences and expectations, the more autonomous he becomes, the more valuable he becomes, and the easier life becomes for me.

Rika.

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

Rika’s Lair- Advice for Online Introductions

January 5, 2020 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

Being a dominant with a real life as well as online presence, I’m often approached by submissives looking for relationships. Some of those folks are looking for online interaction, but others are hoping for real life, face-to-face, dynamics. Finding a good relationship can be a hard road…Finding one online can be even harder.

The other day, I received a particularly detailed cold call via FetLife PM, entitled, “A shot in the dark – An Excerpt from what I am looking for”. Grammatical incorrectness aside, in it, the sender detailed exactly what he wants to find in a woman, what he’s like, and what he will do for me (more precisely, what I will be able to do to him after we’re together). It was quite thorough and showed that he put a great deal of thought into it. However, it was entirely one-sided and read like the typical calling card of someone who hasn’t taken the time to know anything about me.

I was in a helpful mood (which happens sometimes ), so I replied with a bit of advice:

The trouble with shooting in the dark is that you rarely hit what you’re aiming for. Reading a long essay on a cold-call is not how you get to know someone. It makes a woman feel like ‘any’ woman…and no one wants to be a faceless object, right?

If you want to get to know me, make an effort to know ME. I’m a unique person. Read about me. Read about what I want, what I like, what I’m looking for. Learn who my friends are. If you can’t find something to read, ask me…rather than giving me a reading assignment that describes what YOU want – and offering to submit to me without any consideration of who I am and what I want.

I am left to believe you fired this note off to just about every dominant woman you could find…hoping that your odds of finding someone will increase…but for me, it’s a put-off…and I’m going to pass on this offer for those reasons.

His answer surprised me a bit. Here are snippets from his response:

thanks for the advice….I have tried that approach of personal letters to ladies and have had no better response….after several years of fetlife, I am beginning to think it is a waste of time. […] I think I am just going to quit and leave a profile out there and maybe just maybe someone will see it and initiate conversation because they are interested.

It must really be hard for guys who are honestly looking to find a match in the dominant space. I felt badly for him. I wrote him back the following response – which I think is good advice for all people looking to approach someone, particularly if you’re going to do so online:

To successfully meet someone online, you need to invest some time before reaching out to them. Find something, just a little something – from a profile or from a post they made – that piqued

your interest and made you want to contact them. Perhaps it’s a belief that she voiced, or a position on a subject with which you connect. THEN it makes sense to approach her, to find out more about her and also to share stuff about yourself.

Your introduction was not aimed at finding out about her, it was aimed at finding someone who might be interested in you. Realize it or not, that’s a protection mechanism that is designed to protect you from rejection: By depersonalizing them, you minimize the importance of their opinion. When you paint your own picture of yourself to the level of detail that you did, and ‘buckshot’ it to multiple people you don’t know and ask them to show their interest, you’re waiting to see if the image you’re painting of yourself is attractive to them, before determining if they will be attractive to you – which puts them in a rather vulnerable position. It’s the lazy man’s way of switching the tables and becoming the one making decisions. You’re at minimal risk, if one of the women rejects you, someone who really doesn’t know you isn’t interested – so what, you’re not actually invested in her, and the invitation is out to several others – Maybe you’ll even have several candidates from which to choose! However, once this complete stranger bites and leans in, you get to start to learn more about her, and you are the one deciding if she’s going to be compatible for you. No risk for you, all risk for her. Don’t think she won’t feel this and move to avoid it.

So, what’s the better approach?

View your introduction like you’re doing some research, exploring a person who piqued your interest for some real reason, and made you want to know more. Let her know you’d like to start a dialog with someone with whom you can explore compatibility, together; on equal footing, and with equal risk. You can’t logically expect to start a relationship based on a single note of introduction – so your objective needs to be to start a CORRESPONDENCE.

How do you get someone talking? You ask questions that get them to share about themselves. This lets them know that you care about who they are…and gives them the feeling that relationships are important to you…not frivolous…and that not just ANYONE will do…that THEY interest you and you want to be careful to feel out compatibility – so that you can tell if a relationship is something that might be a possibility – and that you don’t want to waste either of your time. Ask questions that demonstrate your interest and prompt response…response is your goal.

Make sure you hold back some details about yourself, so she can ask questions in return.

THEN you’ve started a conversation…and conversations can lead to wonderful things.

Rika.

Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Ms. Rika

Footer