newbie

FIRE PLAY: The Submissive’s Beginner Guide

October 2, 2017 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

This article is a beginners guide to fire play and is addressed to the submissive. But before we can begin, it is “small print disclaimer” time.

(The disclaimer: Fire play is one of the most dangerous types of BDSM play. It should not be attempted without a skilled Top who is experienced in the art. Simply reading about it will not be sufficient. Thus, this article is simply an overview, not a “how-to.” It will, however, give you pointers to evaluate whether your Dom/me knows what he/she is doing. No matter what, if you decide to attempt fireplay, you are doing so at your own risk. Done improperly, fire play can severely burn your skin or even burn your house down.)

Fire play, as opposed to ice play, has real serious safety concerns surrounding it. After all, when is the last time you saw a house go up in ice? (Ice play does have dangers; burning down the neighborhood is not one of them.) Fire is, and will always be, perilous. The best way to begin is be sure you are playing safely. When you begin, make sure you are in the hands of an expert; thus any dangers are kept to a minimum. Much like skydiving, the risks multiply exponentially when the person packing your chute is incompetent. That said, what exactly is fireplay and how should you begin?

Fireplay consists of swabbing a portion of the skin with a thin layer of 70% (maximum) isopropyl alcohol and setting it on fire for a very short period of time. Those who experience it claim that not only is the sense of (real) danger a rush, but there is also the warm sensual sting of the fire as it caresses — and lightly burns — the skin.

If you are combining bondage with fire play, avoid using handcuffs or other slow release items. Rope – with a pair of sharp surgical scissors at the ready – is the way to go. As with any other BDSM scene, safewords – and in this case a safe signal, too – should be agreed upon beforehand. Since hair burns, and burns fast, only hairless areas of the body should be used for fireplay. Typically, the back and the upper shoulders are chosen. If you have long hair, tie it up out of the way or cover it with a wet bathing cap or some such flameproof covering.

Your Dom/me, who will guide your through your first fire play scene, will check for, and remove, all flammable items in the play area. (That leaves out ever attempting it in bed!) He/she will also assemble the tools of fire play next to the play area. These usually consist of a steel bowl, a bottle of 70% isopropyl alcohol, the surgical scissors, a number of two or four inch gauze squares, a bowl of cool water with a cloth dipped in it, a plain butane cigarette lighter (not a torch), a violet wand or candles to light the flame, a fire extinguisher and a first aid kit. If all these items are not close by, or your Top is haphazard or sloppy in his approach, it is time to bail.

The Dom/me will pour the alcohol into the steel bowl and dip one of the gauze squares into the alcohol and rub a thin, dripless layer across the hairless skin. He/she will then light the alcohol and, right after the flaming WHOOSH (what a rush!), will immediately cool the area with the wet cloth. Ice can be also be incorporated into fireplay as well. Switching between fire and ice can produce intense sensations.

The key to enjoying fire play is to relax. This is best accomplished by playing with someone who is very accomplished in this area. If you do otherwise, you are playing with fire!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

To Switch Or Not To Switch?

July 3, 2017 By Baadmaster 4 Comments

With the “Changing of the Old Guard,” I would like to address actual questions that are submitted to me. My answers, of course, are merely my opinions and should be taken as such. Nevertheless, our aim here at kinkweekly.com should be to encourage BDSM dialogue, and answering actual questions is one good place to start.

Here is this week’s question: “I am a Millennial new to BDSM. I like the idea of having a sex slave, but I’d also be interested in subbing to the right person. How do I begin my BDSM journey? I’m not sure who to approach or how. Should I call myself a switch? Should I only contact switches for advice or play?”

By your question, it is clear that you are unsure where you want to wind up. Many Millennials new to BDSM are experimenting. It is hard for newbies to predict where they will land in the BDSM spectrum. So, my first piece of advice is to follow BaadMaster’s patented three-step formula (sounds impressive, huh?) for finding out where you lie in the BDSM continuum.

1. Get in touch with what you really want. Be honest with yourself. Clear your mind and think of what fantasies really turns you on – no matter how extreme it might be. Get an idea of the range of play will help you focus on what you want — and what you don’t want. Try and put these fantasies in your order of preference. After a while, you will get a pretty good idea of what is hot to you – and what is not.

2. Decide which among these fantasies you would actually do. There is a difference between thinking something is exciting and actually doing it. Thus, you must make a realistic appraisal of those activities that will attempt – and those you simply won’t do.

3. The intersection of one and two is where you should begin your BDSM journey.

For example, you already said that you want to own a sex slave. Unless you only fanaticize about it and won’t actually do it – for whatever reason – then it is time to explore this fantasy. Tell any prospective play partner, straight up, that you are looking for a sex slave. Don’t lie and say you are an experienced Dom/me, but rather look for a submissive who is into learning with you.

On the other side, you should also look for a Dom/me who might give you some real time experience in subbing. The object is to find out not only what turns you on, but also what areas you have a natural aptitude for.

At this point, you are simply trying to learn; you should not concern yourself with labels. However, if one label does apply, it is newbie. But don’t worry; everyone was a newbie once. Experience will teach you whether you are a Dom/me, sub or switch — not some abstract idea of what you want to be. Forget labels; just learn what you really are.

In the era that predated our current Internet age, there existed a group of loosely affiliated leather groups that came to be known as the Old Guard Leather Societies. Although much is lost to history, legend is that they had a precept that “you cannot become a Master or a Top without having been a slave or a bottom.” Either consciously or unconsciously, you are following that time-honored principle. Since you are lucky enough to be able to both Top and bottom while you learn, this is a great way to go. Whether you become a Dominant or a submissive, you will be better for it. And if you wind up a switch, you will be an experienced one. Not a bad start, I must say!

Jenn: My First Class in the BDSM Scene

May 1, 2017 By Jenn Masri 1 Comment

So one reason I started my weekly BDSM 101 class series is that when I entered the scene I couldn’t find something similar. My intro was thru a friend of a friend who pointed me in the direction of Fetlife. I was going through a divorce, was in my early 30’s and had two young children. I didn’t know anyone in the community – nobody to show me around or introduce me to people. I remember learning to navigate through Fetlife and trying to find any classes or socials (aka munches) that I could find and could get out to. As luck (?) would have it I stumbled upon a class that was offered at a time I could go. It was a class on singletails. (Now do you understand why I use the term “luck” loosely? lol) Keep in mind I just wanted to get out and start exploring – I didn’t really care what the topic was. I hadn’t come across any 101 or beginners classes that were being taught that week. So I decided to go.

The class was being held at Threshold. Funny story – I had already been to Threshold, just had never gone inside. I had driven there for a party but didn’t realize where the entrance was and ended up (after attempting the wrong door) going home. I believe this was before they added the giant “T” to the door, however, I’m not even sure I drove far enough in to see it regardless. For the class I somehow figured it out and went inside.

It was a smaller class – maybe 6-8 people plus the instructor. Unfortunately I can’t remember the instructor’s name. A handful of people seemed to be familiar with the topic, whips in hand, and comfortable in their chairs as we waited for class to begin. I sat next to a young man who seemed to be as equally terrified as I was. For most of the class I sat there, wide-eyed, as I watched the instructor demonstrate how to use the whip to simply catch the bottom’s hair. All the while trying to avoid eye contact with him so that I wasn’t called upon to volunteer. I’m sure he went over other exercises but much of it is a blur now. Until he got to the end of the class and started demonstrating “wrapping”. The only thing I could compare it to was the thought of Indiana Jones throwing his whip to wrap up an enemy and take them down. He asked for a volunteer to demo this “wrapping” technique. Crap – he was looking in our direction, so I did what any kind and thoughtful person would do and nudged the other newbie and encouraged him to volunteer! Lol I told him he had to tell me if it hurt. He agreed to go up. The instructor told him to hold his arms out and wrapped each of his arms. He came back to his seat and assured me there was absolutely no pain. Ok – be brave Jenn – I volunteered to give it a go.

I walked to the center of the room. I was asked to put my arms out to the side just like my new friend before me. He threw the whip and I think I closed my eyes and winced until I realized the whip circled my arms without an ounce of pain. What?! So he asked if he could do it again, but this time around my waist. Sure – I mean no biggie now right? This doesn’t hurt at all! So, with my arms still outstretched to the side, he crouched a little and threw the whip from more of a side angle. It wrapped a couple times around my waist. Then he did something I did not expect. He used the whip that was around me to pull me towards him. Holy moly. I’m sure I blushed. It was so hot! Trust me, it was not the instructor that made it hot (sorry whoever it was!) – it was the entire action of being wrapped up and controlled by this implement that had seemed so scary!

After the instructional part of class was over they set up stations with plastic sheets on the floor and lit candles. Those that were more advanced practiced putting the candles out with their whips. That was amazing and super impressive to sit back and watch.

There were a couple lessons I took away from that first class experience. One, going to classes, no matter the topic, will expose you to new knowledge as well as new people. This is why I encourage the newbies I meet to take any classes they can (mine or others). I remain friends with a couple people that were in that singletail class. Not “terrified dude” – not sure whatever happened to him. Two, implements (any implement) can be used from light to heavy and in so many different ways. I teach in my classes that it’s not the implement you should be concerned with. It’s the person using it – their skill level and intention. To this day the singletail is not at the top of my favorites list – I much prefer thuddy toys. However, I also know that in the right hands it doesn’t have to be scary.

So thank you, nameless instructor man, for the lessons I walked away with that day. I may not remember your name, but I remember the experience.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Changing Safewords

April 3, 2017 By Jenn Masri 1 Comment

So the rule of thumb is typically that it’s better to stick with the more widely known Safewords. In Southern California we use the “traffic light” safewords of green, yellow, and red. It may or may not be different in different parts of the country or internationally – however, since I didn’t research that I won’t presume to know.

First I will explain what (basically) these safewords mean in case any readers are newer to the scene. Green means the bottom is enjoying what’s happening. Now, you don’t hear “green” very often because typically if a bottom is really enjoying themselves they are just in the moment and perhaps all that’s coming out of their mouth are pleasurable moans, screams, etc. Red means the Top needs to stop whatever they are doing and check in with the bottom. It may mean there is one aspect of the scene that needs to stop or that the entire scene needs to end. Yellow has a more flexible meaning. To some it may mean don’t stop and check in – just lighten up on what you’re doing or switch to doing something else or use a different implement. It could, however, mean to others that they want a verbal check in from their Top – although they aren’t in as much distress as if they call red.

Now the reason I typically don’t recommend changing the safewords you use is for two reasons. One – if you keep changing them it will be harder to remember them in the moment you may need to use them. Two – if you are playing in a public play space then the DMs (Dungeon Monitors) will know what words to listen for in case they need to step in.
So let’s discuss the only time I suggest changing your safewords. Let me say first – if you decide to change them you NEED to let the DMs know and maybe even a few more people who may be around for your scene. If you call one and your Top doesn’t stop, you have people around who will know that and can step in if you need help.

Ok, so, in the 7ish years I have been playing I have only changed my safewords twice. Both for scenes that leaned heavily on role-play. In my case, interrogation role-play. The reason they were changed was to be able to call safewords while still staying in character and using words or techniques to maintain the scene itself.

Both scenes involved my Top trying to get information out of me. In both cases we also had several other people involved in the scene to various degrees of involvement. In one scene she was trying to extract a location. In this case we had one other person who was the only other person (besides me) that knew the “location” who was not directly involved in the physical aspects of the scene but was there the whole time. When I would “give in” and state a location, my Top would verify with the other person. If she stated that was not the location then the scene continued, however, the check in gave me a little break and also represented my “yellow”. If I gave a location and it checked out – that was my “red” and indicated that the scene was over. Basically that the interrogation “broke me”.
In the other example my Top was trying to get a “secret code” out of me. In this case I would give a password for my email. (Yes this was someone I was in a relationship with and trusted.) If I needed to “call yellow”, aka needed a break, I would give the wrong password. It gave me a few minutes while she attempted to use her phone to open my email. However, when I was ready to end the scene (aka red) I gave the correct password. Once she could open my email she knew I was calling the scene.

Yes I changed my password the next day.

I hope these examples made sense. If not, feel free to comment below with questions. The bottom line is that it’s better to stick to the universally recognized safewords. Only change them if you feel it will otherwise be a detriment to the scene and always make sure the DMs or others around you know what’s up.

Being a Domme for the first time

February 28, 2017 By anniebear 2 Comments

Mistress Anniebear in action! Just kidding!

From the submissive point of view!

Since entering the scene nearly three years ago, I’ve always identified as a submissive. However, that doesn’t mean I haven’t used my brat side to participate in co-topping (two Doms, one sub) or casually playing with female friends. As of late I’ve felt a pull towards domination. While I think I will always identify as a submissive in my personal relationships, I sure do think it’s fun to top and torture specific people! Some would say this makes me a switch and that’s ok. I’ve not been able to “own” that label yet. Maybe some day I’ll be Mistress Anniebear but that’s a subject for another article, wouldn’t you say?

Having come from the submissive background, I logically and intellectually knew the “nuts and bolts” on the practical side of topping; for example how to throw a flogger, deliver spankings safely, wax play, electrical, you name it. Heck, I can’t even count how many classes I’ve been to and types of play I’ve enjoyed over these few years. I’ve been busy! But what to do about actually physically topping someone in a dedicated, planned out scene? Would I be able to deliver? I decided to “hone my craft” by practicing on a few willing participants. That in it of itself was super fun! I was surprised at how easily some of the skills came to me. I attribute it to not only those classes but also the dozens of scenes I’ve sat back and watched as well. That’s an education too. I attended a few play parties playing as a Domme. I made sure to let potential play partners know that I was newer to Topping but happy to try things out. Funny how many people are willing to be guinea pigs to a blossoming Domme in training 😉

The greatest test arrived one day in the form of a newbie submissive. We were introduced by a vanilla friend who knew I was kinky and she thought I could show her the ropes. We hit if off from the start. She had amazing energy and was willing to learn. I confessed that being a Domme was a new side of me and that we would proceed slowly. I walked us through a lengthy negotiation-probably overkill on my part but hey, I wanted to be safe and not scare the girl away! We arranged a paly date at my house and the date was swiftly approaching. I’m pretty sure I was more nervous than she could possibly be. I couldn’t believe how much trust she was placing in me. What if I screwed up or accidentally hurt her?

I planned out a scene that included several elements, providing a range of sensations and experiences for her. I also ran my ideas by my “in house” Dom, Dexx. Not everyone is as lucky as I to be with someone who allows me to explore not only submission but domination as well. He encouraged me to seek out partners and see where it takes me. He being of the devious sort was more than happy to assist in hearing my scene ideas, throwing in some pointers and giving approval as well. The scene was set!

The night arrived for our play date. I donned my best “Dominatrix” outfit for effect and arranged the playroom for our scene. I had given my willing submissive instructions on what to wear and she did not disappoint. I could tell she was nervous but so was I! I hid it as best I could. I knew the best way around all of this was to just blindfold her as soon as possible! At least then she would at least be able to not see if I made a mistake. We proceeded slowly into the scene. I placed her on a leash and walked her about and then into the playroom. I put that blindfold on her and it was game on! Starting with some sensation play I worked from easiest in difficulty to hardest (at least in my opinion and skillset). My logic was that I would have her warmed up and personally be more comfortable and confident as the scene went along. Admittedly I was shaking a bit with nerves (not good for a Top!) but it seemed to ease up as time went on.

Luckily “my” submissive was being very responsive so it was easy to tell if she liked or disliked something. In addition to some sensation play with scratchy things, I tried several paddles and impact implements, flogging (learned from a class!), nipple clamps and clothespins. I ended with some wax play which was most worrisome for me. I tried the wax on myself first so I could feel the temperature. All in all, she seemed to like this the best. I also thoroughly enjoyed peeling the wax off after it dried!

We wrapped up the scene and sat together afterward for our aftercare. I asked her what she liked and disliked. It was honestly one of the most educational and eye opening experiences I’ve ever had in this lifestyle. Another human being allowed me to essentially do whatever I wanted to them. The sheer vulnerability of the whole act was mind blowing. I felt honored that she entrusted me with her safety and pleasure. I’ve heard it said that submission is a gift and I believe this wholeheartedly. I also realized that I could never entirely be a Dominant. I don’t know if I could handle that pressure and weight. This proves that for me it does not come naturally and shows that some people are just inherently dominant or submissive. I’d highly recommend that every kinkster, just once in their lives experience kink from the other side of the spectrum. You may not necessarily like it, but you would learn something!

anniebear is a submissive living with her partner Dexx in Los Angeles. She enjoys writing, modeling for friends, animal rescue, and teaching herself how to cook. You can catch her on Fetlife or Facebook.

anniebear: My Very First Play Party

January 30, 2017 By anniebear 3 Comments

It was March, 2014. I had been to a munch the previous week and was absolutely dying to go to an actual play party. I was working a dead end retail job at the time and was checking my Fetlife for events. Remember when Fetlife was shiny and new and you were on it every moment looking for messages?! One event popped up that piqued my interest; “Gentlemen In Charge, a high protocol play party for male Dominants and female submissives”. I liked gentlemen, but I definitely liked it more when they were in charge! I was sold! In my brain I’m thinking a room full of Dominant men and me…..pretty scary but so so so hot. This was my ultimate fantasy, something /I’d always dreamed about. But what to do?! The party was in a mere four hours so I’d have to go by myself…and think of something to wear. I sent a text to my sister who is both kinky and out for advice on what to wear and do. She talked me off my ledge and said if all else fails, wear a black dress. Just to be on the safe side, I posted in the Gentlemen in Charge group asking for clarification on the dress code. To my surprise, a few people responded back and cleared it up for me! I even got a nice message from another female who would be in attendance if I needed a buddy. This was working out to be better and better! I dashed out of work at the end of my shift and knew I barely had time to go home, dress, and then make my way back across town in time for the party. The event listing urged people not to be late or risk interrupting the pre-party class/instruction. In my head I knew I would DIE of embarrassment if I were late.

At home I tore though my closet. Looking back on the moment now, I’m simply astonished that I did not own more lingerie. At the time I think I had two garter belts, a bustier, and a few modest 1950’s era slips to my name. The times have definitely changed! I agonized as the clock as ticking and finally went with a black slip, some mint green panties with garters and nude stockings. I had a short bob haircut at the time so was going for a 1920s vibe. Back then, Gentlemen in Charge required the female submissives to wear a collar. Luckily I had recently picked up a collar from Pleasure Chest (I didn’t even know about the famed Stockroom yet). I threw on some red lipstick and flew out the door. Now mind you I was visibly shaking a this point. I was a lone twenty-something female about to go to a dungeon play party. It doesn’t inspire a lot of confidence!

I arrived at Sanctuary, the party venue LATE! I sat in my car, adrenaline pulsing through me. I was sweating and freezing and flushed all at the same time. I can’t believe I blew it and was late. How I convinced myself to get out of the car and into the building beats me. You have to ring a buzzer at Sanctuary to be let in and I was shaking like a leaf. The person at the front desk asked for my RSVP name (I had enough sense to make sure I had done that much) and informed me that classes had already begun and told me the females were gathered in Hades. (??????) Hades?! “What’s a Hades?” I thought. I felt too stupid to ask for any clarification and just walked right in. I went down a short corridor, turned the corner and there was a room full of what looked like fifty men! They were all listening to a man bathed in red light on the stage, the teacher for the pre-party class. I froze like a deer caught by a hunter. A man directly to my right quietly asked me if I needed assistance to the ladies class and I gratefully accepted as he lead the way. It seemed like the gentleman part was working out so far.

I entered a small room (with the name Hades on the door, huzzah!) in the back and it was full of women of all ages, races, and types of dress. Looking around I felt slightly out of place. Women were dressed in beautiful corsets and collars, blouses and dresses. I shrunk myself against a wall, sitting on the floor because the room was at capacity and listened. The instructor, a known Dominatrix was talking about high protocol. The lesson went straight over my head having been so new and foolishly unlearned in the way of kink. It was definitely great people watching as I wondered who everyone was and if they were new too. The class wrapped up and we were informed to join the men for social hour. My nerves returned full force! A woman approached me and asked if I was anniebear. It was Subbiepoppy, the person who had messaged me! I was saved…kind of. Well, I at least had a person to latch onto. She introduced me around to her group and everyone was extremely nice. I then made a beeline to the bar. Let’s be honest, I needed some liquid courage. A few men approached me and kindly introduced themselves. I think they could tell I had a bit of that caged wild bird look to me as they were all gentle and did not invade my space.

One thing that struck me about the crowd I general was that not everyone looked like a supermodel like in the movies. Yes I sound like an asshole but no one talks about this part of kink where you get used to the Hollywood stereotypes and don’t realize what the reality is. These were just normal, kind people. There were all types of looks and the men were not wearing black capes and carrying whips and the women were not all flighty little nymph types wrapped in rope (That would come later). It was a relief. You could look however you wanted to look and be any age and that was ok. In fact, I was impressed with how nicely dressed the men were in their suits. The women all seemed so confident as some undressed down to lingerie and underwear. I started to wonder, could I do that to? Would I find someone to play with tonight?

A man that introduced himself earlier as “Velvet” came back around and we chatted some more. He understood I was new and we talked about what my experience had been like so far. I went back to Subbiepoppy and the safety net of the other girls. One of them asked me if I wanted to play with him and I said I wasn’t sure if I had the nerve. I asked if she knew the guy and she said she did and had seen him around and that he was a good play partner. The wheels in my head started turning. I gave myself a pep talk and told her I wanted to do it! She said she would help me negotiate the scene (I do remember the Dominatrix mentioning negotiations during the class). Thus began the start of my very first play scene ever and in public, which is fitting because I am now such an exhibitionist.

I approached Velvet and asked if we could play and he agreed (yippy…and oh shit!). I told him my friend would help me negotiate. It seems normal now but looking back this was probably one of the single weirdest conversations I had ever had. I didn’t even know where to begin so I rattled off a bunch of stuff I did NOT want to happen which included bleeding, sex, kissing, nails on my skin, and tickling. I was off to a good start. Then is got down to things that interested me; I had no clue. I thought back on my different sex partners and some of the things I liked that they did. “I like spanking and whipping with a belt?”-yea I added the question mark uptick to my statement. After not talking about these things for so many years, it’s a very odd feeling to finally say out loud what you would like a man to do to you. “I like hair pulling.” It was getting a little easier. I honestly really lucked out on a first play partner. He took more time with me going over a few more likes, dislikes and limits. He then asked what my safeword would be to which I gave him a deer in the headlights face. Of course I knew what one was but I could not think of a single word that stuck out in my brain, no blueberry or panda bear or nothing! He explained the stop light colors to me, red, yellow, and green. He also went a bit further and said he may ask where on a scale of 1-10 was I in that color. So if I said yellow and he asked what number and I said 8, that mean I was rapidly approaching red. That really knocked my socks off.

We went in search of a place to play and my brain started whirling again about how naked I was going to get. To my delight we found a room down a hallways that was slightly obscured so not every person walking by would see me. My friend promised to stop by to check on me as well as the dungeon monitors who were helping the party. He sat his bag down and I sheepishly asked what clothes I was supposed to take off. He said whatever I wanted to. I turned my back and slowly removed my slip. I was standing in just my bra, panties, and stocking and had an “aw fuck it” moment and removed my bra. Everyone else was naked, why shouldn’t I be?! And in that moment I felt free and liberated, and nervous as hell. What if this man, this stranger actually hurt me? What if I hated it or freaked out? What if he forgot or broke the extensive rules we discussed? Just then I saw my friend peak her head around the corner and give me a thumbs up. I blew a sigh of relief and gave her a thumbs up right back.

From then on our scene began. While I cannot remember every detail of the scene now, in retrospect Velvet was an incredibly talented flogger. Flogging in particular can look very scary and painful to a newbie but it was actually wonderful and felt so good to me. I loved the feel of the leather on my back and butt. I also remember on mortifying moment where a Wartenberg wheel got stuck in the lace of my stocking. I just took those off at that point too! Velvet took me through a variety of implements and types of play. I truly could not have asked for a better first play scene. Velvet, if you’re reading this, thank you!

Velvet drew the scene to a close and I was soaring! He asked if I needed any aftercare and I couldn’t even think straight! We eventually got me dressed, cleaned up the room and walked back out to the main party and everyone had practically left, it was nearly 1:30am! Time flies when you’re having fun. I drank some water, we exchanged information as he wanted to check on me the next day and he walked me to my car. That my friends, was the beginning of my journey, I was hooked!

What is a mentor?

June 20, 2016 By Baadmaster 4 Comments

This article was one I had not planned to write. It really is not a fun topic; it is kind of dull and boring. Short of telling “this mentor walks into a bar” jokes, I cannot really make it interesting. Since my aim has always been to be fun to read, writing an article about mentors seems about as exciting as writing about great moments in hubcap history. But since this information is really needed — especially by those new to the lifestyle — I am going to attempt it anyway.

What exactly is a “mentor”? A “mentor” in the BDSM lifestyle has the same definition as that in the vanilla world: a guide, a teacher, an advisor, a protector, friend, an experienced source of lifestyle information and a protector. They are mostly Dom/mes who mentor new submissives (“newbies”), although Dom/mes can be mentored too.

As I have stressed many times, the more knowledge you accumulate in this lifestyle, the more enjoyable your journey will be. One way to gather this knowledge is to read all the articles here on kinkweekly.com. Another way is to meet an experienced guide/teacher – a “mentor” – who can help steer you around the pitfalls that you will encounter along the way. After all, the more you learn about this subject, the better able you are to know what you are seeking; you will become skilled at weeding out those people who are just in this for a “quickie.” (Yes, there are some of those!)

The problem that I have seen recently is that there is no shortage of unqualified people who wish to “mentor”a newbie submissive. Many want to become their confidant – and use it as a sneaky way to control a submissive. And this is a problem. For while a submissive might screen a prospective Dom/me nine ways to Sunday, he/she might simply accept some “mentor’s” claim of five years in the lifestyle without question. “He’s only a mentor” can be the reasoning here. But herein lies a danger – because a bad mentor can be a source of misinformation and a waste of time. Or even turn you off to the lifestyle.

I suggest screening a “mentor” with the same care as one would screen a prospective Dominant. Ask around and see if there are any lies or inconsistencies in his/her story. Look for “Red Flags” – for example if the mentor makes quick demands on a submissive. If the mentor immediately demands to screen all prospective Doms—red flag! Or if the mentor insists that all mail and messages go through him or her – red flag! Basically when you see any quick demand for an unwarranted amount of control – ditch his or her ass!

Keep in mind a mentor is a teacher, a confidant, a friend – not a Dom/me in disguise. That is disingenuous, dangerous and wrong.

Personally, I have met very few good mentors. Those few mentors that meet my standards are actually reputable Masters/Mistressses with slaves; they love to share their knowledge of the lifestyle and thus they mentor selected newbies who are referred to him.

I cannot personally mentor all of you who need a mentor; but I can help you with answers to some of your most pressing questions. Just e-mail me here at kinkweekly.com and I will try to help (or “mentor”) you.

Enough of the dull, albeit important, stuff. It is now time you to read one of my entertaining articles!

newbie

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