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BDSM Terms and Definitions

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This is less of an article and more of a list. However, if you have stumbled onto Kink Weekly and are new, then my hope is that you find this list helpful in getting you started. Is this a complete list of “all the things” you need to know as you enter the world of kink? Absolutely not. These are some terms I believe cover many basics that you may come across as you start your journey. I go over each of these in more detail in my first class of my BDSM 101 Series, but these brief definitions should do the job for now!

BDSM – (Bondage and Discipline) + (Sadism and Masochism) + (Dominance and Submission) Used to describe a community that includes a wide range of activities, forms of interpersonal relationships, and distinct subcultures.

Kinky vs Vanilla – kinky: “unconventional sexual preferences or behavior” vs. vanilla: non-kinky (could refer to a person, behavior, thing, etc.) A kinky person or couple can also have vanilla things/people in their life. Job, family, friends, even vanilla sex!

Dom vs Switch vs sub –
Dom (Domme/Dominant/Master/Mistress/Owner/Top etc.) – if not sure what someone goes by or when referring to this type in general you might say “D-type”. Basically it refers to the person who exerts control in the power exchange relationship.

sub (submissive/slave/pet/bottom etc.) “s-type” – refers to the person that gives over control to their D-type or receives whatever the D-type gives in a power exchange relationship.

Switch – refers to someone that likes to top and bottom (will explain below) or who is both Dominant and submissive – usually based on their energy with the other person. So you may have a switch that has s-types in service to them and they serve a D-type. Or perhaps someone who is primarily an s-type but enjoys Topping occasionally. These are only a couple examples – there is a whole spectrum of examples when it comes to switches.

Topping/Bottoming – I kept this separate because it refers to the position one plays during play or during a “scene”. It doesn’t tell you anything about their D/s dynamic or identity. Some people don’t involve a D/s dynamic in their relationship, so the relationship is “vanilla” except when they play – one tops the other bottoms. They can switch between the two as well – for different scenes or within a scene. Just refers to (basically) who is giving and who is receiving.

*Sidebar – just because a D-type bottoms for, say, a specific thing (like flogging) doesn’t mean they identify as a switch. Nor is an s-type who tops occasionally or for a specific thing. It’s very important for you to not place your own labels and assumptions on others. Learn or ask them how they identify.

Different orientations:

Homoflexible – a person who identifies primarily as homosexual but can occasionally find the opposite sex appealing or is willing in certain circumstances to have sexual contact or play with the opposite sex

Heteroflexible – a person who identifies primarily as heterosexual but can occasionally find the same sex appealing or is willing in certain circumstances to have sexual contact or play with the same sex

Bisexual – attracted to both same and opposite sex (CIS male/CIS female)

Pan sexual – attracted to people of all gender identities and biological sexes.

Cross dresser/transvestite (CD/TV) – someone that dresses as the opposite sex. Does not tell you how they identify or their sexual orientation. In fact, many cross-dressers are heterosexual.

Negotiation (for a scene) – even for the most casual scene there should be a negotiation, especially between new play partners. This is when medical issues and triggers are discussed, as well as safewords, aftercare, what is ok or not ok, sexual touch and overall the type of scene you are looking to have.

Subspace – 2 types: physical & psychological. Basically when chemicals are released like adrenalin, serotonin, etc. when you play. Best I can compare to is a runner’s high. Not everyone will experience it and those who do will experience the effects in different ways.

Subdrop –Your body trying to regulate after those chemicals have been released. You may feel “off”, emotional, a bit depressed, etc. Things that can help may include support network, physical activity, dark chocolate, meditation, journaling, favorite movie, etc.

Power exchange – Any situation where two or more people consensually and voluntarily agree to a relationship in which one (or more) people assume authority and one (or more) people yield authority, either for a predetermined time, or indefinitely.

Protocol – A formalized set of rules controlling the interaction between Dominants and submissives. Can be within a relationship or established by a group or club. Low protocol/High protocol.

Actions/behavioral protocol (like positions), written protocol (like “slashy speak”), speech protocol (like using honorifics or how suggestions are voiced).

Poly aka polyamorous – state of mind/potential or actual practice – there are various ways to structure poly that works for you. Being poly is NOT about being single or cheating – the key is that all individuals are aware of all relationships.

Energy exchange – energy can be used to describe the feeling you get from another person. It’s not necessarily what they do, how they look, what they say…more just the “feeling” of them. Energy exchange in a scene can take many forms. It can feel sensual, sadistic, primal, playful, etc. It can change during scene as well. This also refers to the connection between the players.

I hope these brief definitions help. Keep in mind some people will define some of these terms differently – this is why communication is key!!

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Joining the Kink Community

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Tunnel Light

Discovering the world of kink can be a fabulous and overwhelming experience. So where do you go? What do you do? This can be especially nerve wracking if you are coming in like I did – unpartnered and clueless.

In my opinion Fetlife is the best way to find events in the scene. Most event coordinators will promote there whether or not they promote elsewhere. So the first step, if you haven’t already, is to join Fetlife. Go to Fetlife.com and create a profile. Feel free to use a stock photo or a picture of your dog as your profile pic until you come up with something better. Just don’t leave it empty for long. The profiles with a big “?” as the profile pic may make people think it’s a fake account, you’re a troll, etc. Also, keep in mind my next step will only work if you input your actual city or one that is near you. I understand if you are uncomfortable putting your specific city name – but even a nearby city will work. For example if you live in Santa Monica (which is a beach city near Los Angeles) then use Santa Monica or Los Angeles. However, if you use Antarctica (and don’t actually live there) then my next suggestion will not work.

On to the next step. Along the top of the site you will see a link for “Events” – click on it. Under “Upcoming Events” you will notice three tabs. “Friends RSVPed to”, “Near Me”, and “All Events”. If you are brand new to the site, chances are you don’t have any (or many) friends on your friends list yet, so that tab won’t offer much. The “All Events” tab will be overwhelming and probably take you a while to scroll through, however, if you posted a fake city this will be your option. So that leaves you with the “Near Me” tab. Click it! You will probably have to get through the first few pages of events that recently happened before you get to the current date. Then look at each event listed for the dates coming up that you have some free time. My opinion is that you focus on finding a class first. Starting with classes accomplishes a few things – you learn something regardless of current interests, you meet people in a non-pressure environment, and if you are on the shy side there is less expectation of socialization. So find a class on any topic that works for your schedule and GO!

(*If you are in the Los Angeles area I know a wonderful BDSM 101 Series at Sanctuary you can attend every Monday at 8pm – wink wink.)

My first class was on singletails (a.k.a whips). Was I interested in singletails? Nope. Did they, in fact, terrify me? Yep. I went anyway because I figured I would meet other people who were active in the scene and possibly learn something – or at least have fun watching the demo. Sure enough, all of those things happened. There was no pressure to play (because it wasn’t a party), going alone wasn’t awkward, and even though I am very social and extroverted, there was more focus on the class and presenter, which was nice given my newbie status.

Once you’re at the class be sure to approach either the instructor (after the class is finished) or another classmate that looks friendly and let them know you’re new and wondering what other classes or munches are coming up. Ask if they will be there – then you will have a familiar face to look for.

Go to more classes, start attending munches. Munches are just where a group of kinksters get together in a vanilla setting (usually a restaurant) to eat and socialize. Let people know you’re new and looking for friends and other events. Once you are ready to attend a play party you will have met lots of people and started to create a friends list. You will have people to reach out to and to look for and talk to at events.

I know you may be anxious to start playing and/or finding a partner. However, my advice is to slow it down and take your time. Get to know the scene and the people in it. Get a feel for who is experienced in the type of play you want to try, who you can trust, etc. I know it can be overwhelming and scary at first – and your experience will differ depending on how big your local scene is – but enjoy the process. View it as an adventure to be explored!

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Millennials and Aftercare

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Here is a question I received recently:

“I am a Millennial and have been playing publicly with a Dom of roughly the same age for the last few months. After a serious session, he just packs his gear and waits for me to get ready. I feel really neglected but I am afraid to ask him to give me aftercare. What should I do? What should I expect from him? Am I topping from the bottom?”

Although I do not think being a Millennial has a causal effect your Dom’s lack of aftercare, I will say that many of the newer lifestylers have not been exposed to the traditions of BDSM. That being said, I am not here to preach Old Guard values. (“Hey kid, get offa my yard!”) Rather, I will discuss those traditions that are relevant to today’s kinksters. Aftercare – the comforting of a bottom after a BDSM scene – is one practice that is important to maintain for the Old Guard and New Guard alike!
Since the Dom you have been playing with is familiar with public play, chances are he is aware, either consciously or subconsciously, that he has been totally avoiding even the most rudimentary of aftercare. Not to play amateur psychologist, but there could be a fear of intimacy going on here.

Often it is the aftercare that is the most intimate and bonding of activities in our lifestyle. A drained submissive wrapped in the loving arms of his/her Dom/me, often in a blanket, is a common sight at most dungeon play parties. For many submissives, this is the true highlight of a scene. The fact that your Dom coldly packs up his gear might imply that something else is at work here. I liken it to its vanilla counterpart wherein the couple has sex without kissing. Knowing this, you might have a legitimate fear of expressing your needs to him. You might feel that he is avoiding aftercare, not forgetting it; that your desire for aftercare might be something he is unable to give you at this time.
Nevertheless, you must communicate your needs to him. He must know that you desire aftercare; it would then be up to him to decide if and when he will start to make it part of your public play. After all, he just might need a respectful “nudge” to get to the next step in your evolution as play partners. Or maybe he thinks it is not essential.

Your other concern is whether asking for aftercare might constitute “topping from the bottom.” Although I would tend to say “no,” the answer to this question is largely irrelevant. You imply that you are in a play relationship, not a “Dom/sub” one – and surely not a collared affair. (You would not say “a Dom” if he were your Dom. You would say “my Dom.”) Thus, technically, you are still in the negotiating stage; whether this will progress to a D/s relationship is still unanswered. When you are discussing your scene, with its hard and soft limits, safe words, etc., you can simply state that you would like to request aftercare when the scene ends. This is a reasonable demand, especially in view of the fact that he completely neglects it. Topping from the bottom is not a critical concern at this point. What is crucial is that you tell him what you desire.

As to what you can expect of him, you should hope that he is amenable to incorporating aftercare into his play. It will not only give you what you really need, but it is also a good habit for a Dom – Millennial or otherwise — to get into. If he does have a fear of intimacy, then he can at least give you a blanket, keep you warm, check that you are feeling OK. He should offer you water. (It is hard for a weary submissive to get up and fetch herself some water; besides, it would reflect badly on him to let you wander off looking for some Gatorade.)

If he is not open to changing his ways, then you might have to risk being a little “toppy” and tell him that it is essential for you. Again, this is still the negotiating stage and you must state clearly what minimum requirements you need to continue as his play partner. Every one, Dominant and submissive alike, has a deal-breaker. If this is a deal-breaker, you must tell him in unequivocal terms.
Whether it is just to improve your play life, or as a way of getting to the next stage D/s relationship-wise, communication is always paramount no matter what generation the players are. After all, if someone doesn’t know what you want, how can they give it to you?

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Back to Basics

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Sometimes it is useful to get back to basics. Whether it is the fictional Rocky Balboa revisiting his old gym or an experienced BDSM lifestyler reflecting on the bedrock that he/she has built his/her knowledge on, it is often inspiring to revisit the fundamentals from time to time. In this kinkweekly.com installment, we will look at the basic practices of our lifestyle with respect to your initial meeting and first scene. In a couple of weeks, we will be presenting a panel discussion, “Old Guard vs. New Guard,” at DomCon LA on May 20th, 2017 at 4:30 PM. This article will review some essentials that both groups should find useful.

This examination should be particularly instructive for newbies. However, we would wager that even the most advanced player ignores some of these fundamentals. So, let’s do a little recap!

• If you are meeting for the first time, meet at Starbucks. No, this is not product placement. (Although I like their Frappuccinos!) Have a “vanilla meeting” before you agree to any type of BDSM play. A coffee house is a low pressure, convenient and inexpensive place to get together. Although most lifestylers are fine people, there are some predators out there. To ignore this fact would be naïve. Both Dominants and submissives should also have the option of meeting before playing. Thus, a meeting in a vanilla environment is a natural, and safe, way to begin – especially if you had met online or in a club setting.

• Negotiate your scene. If the vanilla meeting goes well, you should negotiate your first scene. The submissive should clearly state what her/his hard and soft limits are. Are you into pain and to what level? Are there any types of play that you might not want to do in your first scene? Where do you both intersect? You should both be on the same page with respect to play styles and BDSM preferences; otherwise the scene, and any potential relationship, could be ruined.

• Plan your first scene. When you see musicians jam, they usually have their sets planned out. It is not totally free form. It is the same with your first scene. If you are a newbie, you will naturally be apprehensive; planning your scene will help put you at ease. Have a good idea of what equipment you will be using, what your scene will consist of and the general arc of the play. It need not be a note-for-note plan, but you should not leave a lot to chance – especially for your first session.

• Safe words and safe signals. Once you have your scene planned, a “safe word” and a “safe signal” should be agreed upon. This is a word or gesture that once used by the submissive, stops all play immediately. Although some experienced couples eventually eliminate safe words, we are very suspicious of any Dom/me who states categorically that he “does not believe in safe words.” To us, this is a big red flag and the submissive should proceed very cautiously.

• Arrange a safe call. We are not saying submissives need a “safe call” for the Starbuck’s meeting. However, once you decide to let someone tie you up, especially in a private residence, it is “safe call” time for the sub. If you are going alone to a Dominant’s house for your first scene, even after a vanilla meeting, plan a safe call. (Especially if you met on Craigslist. LOL!) Better still, play first at a dungeon where there are Dungeon Monitors and other lifestylers to make sure your scene goes right.

• Dungeon etiquette. We have covered dungeon etiquette in a previous kinkweekly.com article. But there are three universal rules: do not intrude into a scene space, don’t talk loudly while watching play and never touch anyone’s body, even a naked one, without permission. And, don’t forget to bring your own toys. Never assume that you can borrow cuffs, floggers or other BDSM items, at the dungeon. Other than the big-ticket furniture, like St. Andrew’s Crosses and spanking benches, it is BYOT.

• Be aware of subspace. This is addressed to the Dom/mes. If you put your submissive into subspace (“an exhilarated state that most believe is caused by a rush of endorphins emitted during a BDSM scene”) during your scene, be aware that the sub may be flying and may thus be unable to give a safe word or safe signal. Learn to recognize the subspace signs – glassy eyes, insensitivity to pain, inability to speak clearly – and use your judgment as to when you think enough is enough. Don’t ever rely solely on the submissive’s safe word during any scene – especially when in subspace. Safety is ultimately the Dominant’s call.

The BDSM mantra of “safe, sane and consensual” is repeated so often it can lose its impact. We hope that this review of basic safety practices will illustrate the broad concepts we preach about in very specific ways. At the very least, it will show you that you are doing things right. Or, it might point out areas you might have neglected. Either way, it is a win/win for everyone!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Top 5 List of Beginner Toys and Types of play

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A great sensation play toy-the chain ball tickler
A great sensation play toy-the chain ball tickler

From the title of this article you may have assumed that you would find a list of specific toys that are great for beginners. However, since I like to keep readers on their toes – that is not exactly what you are going to get. I will reference specific toys of course – but the list is written with a broader stroke of the brush. Enjoy…

1) Hands
In my opinion your hands are the best implements you have. They are also quite convenient – no need to remember to pack them or find space for them. Although cleaning is still essential! Lol You can do so many things with them – spanking, punching, pinching, tickling, squeezing, pressure points, scratching, massage, hair pulling, face slapping….the list goes on and on! They can be used in a sensual way, for sexual touch, light to heavy, thuddy, or stingy.

2) Toys with shorter length
In general, if you are using toys that you don’t feel like you have control over or you’re having trouble with aim and precision, it could be the length. This is especially true when a toy has flexibility .When you are choosing toys look for things that aren’t as long. For floggers this could mean shorter falls, shorter handle, or both. Shorter crops or straps with more handle than body. If you already have toys that seem a bit too long then try “choking up” until it gets more comfortable. Even with standard handle floggers you can hold the top of the handle (closest to the falls) rather than the end or middle of the handle.

3) Sensation toys
Play isn’t all about impact or other implements or types of play that require more skill and practice. Use things to create different sensations. One thing that’s great is going back and forth between sadistic and pleasurable sensations. Use things like feathers, wartenberg wheels, fur, water, ice, etc. These are wonderful to use in scenes whether you are leaning on them to make up for skill level or if you are a very experienced player! A scene doesn’t need to be all about “hitting them with stuff”. For temperature play, besides using water (at different temps) and ice, you can also take toys or things made of metal and put them in the fridge so that for the scene they are nice and chilly. Just pressing them against skin that is freshly played with can create a lovely reaction!

4) Toys for impact
As you may have noticed, most of what I’ve referred to in #1 and #2 has been impact toys. Try to avoid toys that can break the skin. If you use vampire gloves for sensation – be careful about using them for impact. Knife play, single tails, and other such toys should be used with caution and only after you know what you’re doing with them.

5) Non-toy play
In addition to toys, there are many other things you can introduce in play that are not a danger at all physically, however, need to be well negotiated! Things like role play can enhance any scene no matter the implements or skill level. Consensual humiliation or beginner level fear play are also things that you can “play with” as a beginner. However, as I mentioned PLEASE negotiate these things very carefully!

Whatever you do, remember to play safely, with consent and have FUN!

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Introducing a New Person to BDSM

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anniebear-doms-email-photo

We’ve written several articles similar to this topic in the past but with the caveat that you were either dating or romantically interested in the new person or perhaps it was a vanilla person you’re trying to convert. This article will cover aspects and ideas for introducing a kinky platonic friend into the scene, something which I’ve had personal experience with multiple times…not that I’m trying to convert every single one of my friends…or maybe I am, hehe 🙂

This is also assuming that you, the reader are a safe, sane, and consensual player-I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt since you’re taking the time to read this helpful article. Whether you’re introducing a male or female (or those who identify as) the concepts will be similar. Then as the person begins to find their way, you can advise them to the best of your knowledge on how they could potentially proceed.

Hypothetically speaking, a friend of yours comes to you seeking advice on BDSM, is interested in it, or wants to come with you to a kink event. How do you proceed? Personally, I like to start with education. Send them some written material that you think is valuable or noteworthy. We have several articles for beginners in the archives of Kink Weekly, specifically Baadmaster’s piece “Where Do I Begin?” Similarly, you can explain everything in person, however this can be both time consuming and unreliable because unless they take notes or have a fantastic memory, they will not have a point of reference to go back to in the event they need some reminders. You can always send them some material and then go over it in person with them if you care to be extra thorough.

Next, you can discuss what their interests may be. Often times they will say they either do not know or only have a very vague reference of what they could be into. They may not even know if they are a Top, bottom, switch or something in between or apart from those labels. In my experience, a true kinkster just “knows” they are into it and are excited to discover new things about themselves. You can help them along by inviting them to specific classes. If you’re lucky enough to live in a well populated BDSM scene, seek out a BDSM 101 class or basics classes on impact play, flogging, anything you can think of just to get them exposed to new kinks. Munches are also a fabulous way for them to meet fellow kinksters and hear what other people have to say. In my experience, BDSM folks are usually happy to discuss ideas with a respectful newbie. If they are “too important” to speak with a new person, then I wouldn’t particularly want my hypothetical new friend to meet that person anyway.

If you feel like you’re still having a hard time helping this person find their way, it’s time to bring in reinforcements! The longer I’m in the scene, the easier it is for me to get a “feel” for which end of the spectrum someone may be. For example, I had a long time friend who I knew was very dominant and when he finally came to me and said he wanted to explore BDSM, I knew exactly where to send him! However, I have a different friend who was unsure at first what she wanted but as I introduced her into the scene and exposed her to more, we both figured out that she was a switch. If you have an inkling of what they might like, you have the experience, and are able to play platonically, offer to do an introductory scene with them. If you do not feel qualified, find a trusted friend who would be interested. Kinksters are selfish (in a good way!) and always happy to play and what a treat to introduce someone new to something we all love so much! A word of caution on this: I’d offer to sit in on the scene if they are playing with a mutual friend. Walk them through a proper negotiation and help them pick out a safe word as well. Newbies can get attached to a partner pretty easily as the endorphins run high, something worth mentioning as well as the dangers of sub drop. If you are an experienced sub, you can still walk your potential Top friend through a scene, especially with the supervision of another Top or Dom.

There are endless options to help a new person find their way. If you still feel very new yourself, find more experienced folks to assist or attend classes together. The important thing is to play smart and be realistic with your newbie about BDSM. Everyone has made a mistake or two (or three) as a newbie, if you’re able to impart your advice and journey, your friend will thank you for it. Thanks to you for looking out for your friend as well!

anniebear is a submissive living with her partner Dexx in Los Angeles. She enjoys writing, modeling for friends, animal rescue, and teaching herself how to cook. You can catch her on Fetlife or Facebook.

Learn From My Mistakes: Part Two

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Check out part one here.

In this installment, I will concentrate on Internet BDSM mistakes that I, and friends, have made. After all, in our fetish-tolerant age — there are fetish parties and other opportunities for meeting potential partners real time — the Internet still accounts for a significant number of BDSM hookups – and slip ups!

So, here is my second list of “BDSM Blunders” – made not in the face of good advice but rather with a lack of any. Some of these might seem obvious. But if I had a dollar for everyone who ignored some obvious advice, with disastrous results, I would own the world!

1. Get to real time meetings as quickly as possible. This piece of advice is as valid today as it was back in the day. Spending an inordinate amount of time online without a face-to-face meeting is a risky strategy. (Unless your thing is online BDSM, which is a valid approach.) It is very easy to bond with someone you only know through emails, yahoo messenger, Skype, Tinder, Facebook, IG, Twitter, Fetlife, IM’s and even cellphoning. Each person can tell the other person what they want to hear, without the necessity of looking the other person in the eye. Obviously, if you are on a good track, meeting will only validate your judgments and speed up the whole process. But, if the relationship is built on a hidden incompatibility that only a real time meeting can uncover, you can spend time almost falling in love — only to have that shatter when you finally meet.

2. Give, and demand, honesty online. Not to suggest you play Sherlock Holmes, but a liar can be spotted very easily. If you spot major untruths or inconsistencies, the operational word should be “next!” This is one principle that has not changed — give, and demand, honesty no matter what platform you are using to communicate.

3. Webcam. Back in the day, “I don’t have a scanner” was the excuse du jour for the lack of a picture. A couple years later, “I don’t have a digital camera” became the buzzword of the faker generation. Now with Photoshop, anyone can lose twenty pounds and twenty years instantly. If you are starting to get serious and you are far away from each other, insist on the webcam. And, when you finally meet, both of you will look 30% better than you did on webcam. Guaranteed!

4. Fly the friendly skies. Even if you are webcamming, don’t use distance as an excuse to postpone a real time meeting. In-person is still more revealing than the webcam and bargain airline tickets are readily available. Ten years ago I attempted an LDR. But, I procrastinated our meeting, month after month. Finally, I got on a plane. We were totally incompatible! I should have scheduled a visit much sooner – and I would not have wasted all that time.

5. “There’s a sucker born every minute!” I think P.T. Barnum must have had the Internet in mind when he coined that saying. Don’t take anything at face value; see how the whole picture is painted before you judge it. If we have learned anything about “fake news” this last election, it is that people can say anything online and it will be believed.

6. Don’t exaggerate. Although we all exaggerate from time to time (weight, height, age, job experience?), it is very tempting to go for the home run online, via texting or with any communications app. It is especially appealing when the other person says, “I like such and such,” so you agree. Although it might not technically be “lying,” it should be kept to a minimum. Unless you are down with online, sexting, DM’s or any non-contactual (my word!) BDSM, exaggerations will eventually catch up to you when you meet.

The Internet is a great tool for meeting people – people you might not ever have met in a million years pre-Internet. (Although I miss Blockbuster, an Internet victim.) But, as with any interpersonal medium, one should be cautious – but not paranoid. Hopefully, you can learn from my mistakes. Because I sure made a bunch of them!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Learn From My Mistakes: Part One

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It’s that time of year for New Year’s resolutions that few of us keep. Here, at kinkweekly.com, we won’t burden you with advice you don’t need or guidance you will ignore. So, instead of the usual suggestions, we will offer a new concept for improving your kinky BDSM relationships — “Learn from my mistakes!”

We all know that the only way a child learns how to avoid a hot stove, despite his parents admonitions, is to get burned. It is a sad fact that we, as humans, rarely learn except from our own mistakes. I, too, have often not followed my own advice. Thus, I will list a half dozen mistakes I have personally made. Maybe this concept – learning from my errors rather than your own – will be a new strategy that will prove surprisingly effective. At the very least, it will give you a personal insight into being a Dominant – an oft times demanding, although greatly rewarding, “job.”

1. Timing. When you first meet a sub, he/she is not your submissive. You are negotiating. But, one should not wait too long before establishing basic expectations. (In the fictional Fifty Shades, I applaud the fact that Christian presented his ‘hardware store recruit’ with a “slave contract” rather quickly. Expecting her to sign it immediately is a bit much, but at least he explains what he is about.) For example, honorifics are important to me. In one instance, I waited far too long to tell her that I wished to be called “Sir” at all times. By the time I decided to insist on this and other basic protocols (I am a low/medium-protocol Dom, so I am not talking about a lot of rituals), she had great difficulty making the change. Establishing good D/s habits early on is the lesson to be learned here.

2. Assuming. I have incorrectly assumed that certain BDSM words had specific meanings. For example, if a submissive says she is “poly,” one should not presume that she wants to be part of a poly family. She might only want a triad from time to time. Or, she might simply be “poly-tolerant” and is not really into it at all. One should probe a sub’s needs and proclivities deeply – and not assume anything.

3. Follow through. The times I have had the most problems in my D/s relationships were when I neglected to fulfill minor promises. They might, on the surface, seem trivial; but once the power exchange is established, it is very easy for a Dom/me to get lazy and forget minor commitments. After all, no one is going to call you on it. But, missed promises add up. If you are not careful, they can erode the power exchange as brutally as a major neglected promise. Follow through on even the most inconsequential pledge. It might not be as inconsequential as you think!

4. Power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely. This political statement has great BDSM wisdom built into it. Obviously, no Master has absolute power. One should always be self-examining, humble and not wield power arbitrarily. Make a special effort to be a wise, not an imperious, Master.

5. Don’t try to change human nature. I have found that major behavior modification, which I have written about in previous kinkweekly.com articles, is a rare event. Dom/mes are not all-powerful… duh! If one wants a low/medium-protocol slave, don’t try and take a slave who is basically low-protocol and attempt to change him/her. I tried this once; it did not work. I never attempted it again. When you negotiate with a prospective slave and the BDSM needs are at odds, likely it is time to move on.

6. It’s a relationship, dammit! Sometimes a Dominant can get so wrapped up in the D/s and BDSM aspects of a relationship, he/she can overlook the human facets of it. Don’t think of these concerns as being vanilla. Instead, look at them as being essential interpersonal ingredients in any relationship. Remember, she is not only your slave, she is also your boy/girl friend!

These are six mistakes I have made in my BDSM journey. I am sure I have made many other and will discuss them in future articles. But, I try not to repeat my mistakes. And, hopefully, you won’t repeat any of mine!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Dexx interviews Jenn Masri

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Jenn

Get to know our regular contributor Jenn Masri by reading this interview!

Dexx: You’ve been a pro switch and you’re a kink aware therapist.  But for many in the LA kink community, you’re perhaps best known as the friendly face guiding them into the world of kink as the teacher of your BDSM 101 class series, which you’ve been doing for about a year and a half.  What inspired you to start teaching the classes?

Jenn: Well a couple of things.  As a newbie, when I came into the scene, I had no idea where to start, or what to do, or what mistakes I might make.  I came in un-partnered, and not knowing anybody.  And I really had wished that there had been a series that was very fundamental – just first baby steps.  And I didn’t really find anything like that.  The only 101 type classes that I knew of were either offered sporadically, on a certain topic typically or there was this series at the Lair – but it goes just slightly beyond the fundamentals and isn’t a weekly class.  So I wanted something that everybody could join as soon as they came into the scene, at any time.  And really be the first steps.  I mean even getting people before they get on Fetlife – I get a lot of that too.

The other part of it was… the last pro session I had as a switch, I was trying to teach about 20 vanilla women everything I could in an hour.  And I realized I had so much more I wanted to explain – they had so many questions – that combined with my experience coming into the scene, I decided to go ahead and create something and that was was sort of the push, and I realized I love to teach, to create my own curriculum and series, and see if it took off.

And it seems like it has been taking off?

Yeah, it’s successful, and it’s my baby, so I’m very very proud of it.

What do you cover in your classes?

First class is – like I said it’s so fundamental – it’s definitions – defining the most common terms.  Whether it’s terms that are exclusive to the scene, or terms that are used in the vanilla world that mean a little bit different things in our community.  So defining terms, orientations, roles, and then common terms that they will hear if they go out, or that they’ll see on Fetlife.

Second class is on safety.  This was actually the first class I came up with on the curriculum.  Because I felt like it was the most important.  And what I wished I’d had when I started.  So many of the safety classes in the scene have to do with physical safety in play, and I go over some of that.  But I also go over red flags in terms of meeting people in the scene, because that’s where I felt like I could have used help when I first came in.  You know – do’s and don’ts in terms of staying safe when you’re out there dating, or trying to meet play partners, or long term partners.  Things to look out for.  And again – not just for submissive, or s-types, but also for Doms.  Because there are red flags on both sides, for sure.

Third class is the toy and play demo – which is definitely one of the more popular of the classes.  I have a live demo bottom for this one, and pretty much go through any starter impact toy.  Talk about different types of play.  I mention, but I don’t show, edge play – because it’s a 101 class, I don’t want people to see a two minutes demo and think they know what they’re doing when it comes to stuff that’s more dangerous.  So it’s basically a sampling of stuff that newbies can pick up relatively quickly, so that they can see what they’re interested in, and go out and find other classes that are specific to those types of play, or those types of implements, and learn more.

My fourth class is defining D/s relationships.  This one I was kind of back and forth on including, because so many newbies come in and they’re focused on physical play, and a lot of people in the mainstream don’t even realize that there can be an entire relationship dynamic that we have.  That’s not to say you have to have it – you can just play of course.  But I felt like it was important to go over the types of dynamics that are out there, because even if somebody comes in and just wants to play and has no interest in a D/s relationship, they’re gonna meet people that are.  So if somebody says this is my Master, or whatever, you can have a basic idea of the concept they’re referring to.  And of course some people do come in a dynamic, and what to explore more of that.

What does a typical person attending one of your classes look like?

I would say 95% newbies.  Sometimes I’ll get people who aren’t even on Fetlife, and have no idea what that is – they maybe found me through Google or Sanctuary’s web site.  So some people are really really new.  But most of them, you know they’ve joined Fetlife, but they haven’t really gone to many events, maybe one, usually none.  And they want to start getting into things.  Occasionally I’ll get people that have been in the scene, or I’ll get people that come to my classes as a newbie, and then they just keep on coming back!

Sometimes I’ve had people ask me, “is it ok for a single male to come?”  And of course the answer is yes – this is a class.  I get the whole gamut – I get single people, I get couples, I get all different orientations.

Once people complete the class series, do you then typically see them becoming pretty active members of the kink community?

I do.  Actually it’s been interesting, because I’ve become friends with a lot of the people that come through my classes.  And I’ll see them at parties, or I’ll see them active on Fetlife, or going to other classes.  Sometimes people will get really excited and report back to me – “I went to this” or “I tried that”.  And that’s great, you know – that’s the whole point.  I usually do see people get more active, and that’s why I also try to include suggestions in class about where to go and which events to check out.

It must be very rewarding when you hear about people’s positive experiences since doing your classes.  Do you ever have people come back and tell you about negative experiences that they’ve had?

It’s not very often that I get that.  Usually I’ll get people who will come in and they’ll have had a negative experience already, and wished they would have taken the classes before.  I have had that.  Because of the safety class – the red flags and all that – I’ve had people come back and say “thank goodness I took that class” because I stepped into this scenario right after and I knew because of the discussion that it was a red flag.  So… that’s awesome.

So I want to change topic a little, and talk about you.  When did you first realize that you were kinky?

[Laughs] I was a late bloomer.  It was really after my divorce.  And just getting into the dating scene, and meeting different people – so it was in my 30’s.

I often hear people say that they feel like they were born kinky, and they always knew they were kinky, and maybe it just took them a while to figure out what they meant, and to embrace it and actually get into it.  Not the case for you?

Yeah… there were maybe certain indicators that I would not have recognized until I got into the scene.  And I’ll just leave it at that…

Alright, fair enough.  And so then how did you first discover and get into the BDSM community itself?

I was dating somebody that I had met online.  The whole online dating thing was brand new to me.  I was dating someone who was totally vanilla, and it just so happened that his ex girlfriend was in the scene.  He basically referred me to her when he realized I had interests in that area, and connected me with her on Facebook.  She introduced me to Fetlife.  I joined it, and just started showing up at whatever classes or munches I could put on my calendar – just kind of jumped in.

Tell me about the first time you went to a play party.

Hmm, let me think, it was a spanko party.  It was actually at Dragons Gate and I was so nervous that I called a friend of mine to come out to the parking lot to walk in with me, because I was worried that I wasn’t dressed the right way.

I think that’s something a lot of people can really relate to going to their first play party.

Yeah, absolutely and that’s the reason why I tell people in my class, if I’m going to an event and you want to go, let me know.  That way at least you’ll know somebody there. It is nerve wracking to go to your first play party.  And I’m totally extroverted so I can only imagine for somebody who’s not as outgoing how nervous they would be.

So yeah… but, I made it inside my first party and it was all fine from there.

So switching to your therapist hat, what are some of the common themes of issues that kinky people might face that are different to  those that vanilla people deal with?

A lot of the issues boil down to the same. A lot of the issues are the same individual or relationship issues that I see in the vanilla world. The differences are… I see people where one person is interested in the scene and the other isn’t or D/s issues like how to go from a vanilla relationship and incorporate D/s.  Or poly scenarios – people dealing with poly dynamics that maybe it’s a first for them, and dealing with everything that comes along with that, even though the issues themselves breakdown to very similar ones as you’d get in any other relationship.

Modern society often isn’t particularly encouraging of a woman being submissive or a man being dominant – just as a couple of examples.   It can seem to run counter to feminism and gender equality.   Do you think that feminism can be compatible with BDSM concepts like submission?

Absolutely, because the true nature of feminism is for women to have the right to choose how to live their life, right? If somebody chooses and feels comfortable in the position of a submissive than why not?  If somebody says well that’s not ok because that’s not how we want to see a woman be, well that’s no longer feminism.

It’s great hearing you explain it like that and I think for some people it can take a while to get their head around that concept.   Do you think though that there are people out there that have either dominant desires or submissive desires that feel shameful about them and so don’t explore them?

I know there are, absolutely.  If we feel pressure by society to suppress sides of ourselves then it can turn into shame.  I think one part of this community that is fabulous is helping the people that do reach out and do come to the “dark side” to  realize that that side of them is not necessarily horrible, they just needed to meet partners and people that accepted that side and actually balance that side, and so that they can come to accept and love that side of themselves.

I’ve heard it mentioned a couple of times in the community that they’ve noticed that kinky people tend to be quite intelligent people so I’m curious to know if you have any thoughts on whether there is some kind if correlation between intelligence and the predisposition towards kink.

(laughs) I think you have the whole gamut like you do in mainstream. I think in terms of traditional intelligence, I don’t know if there’s a difference – I’ve not researched that. I do think you probably get a lot more people who are open minded and that may cross over into other areas. So perhaps that’s where the correlation lies. Somebody who’s more open minded to sexuality or relationship dynamics might also be more open minded to other concepts in regards to other topics and so, therefore, maybe they’re willing to take in more ideas and debate and research. I don’t know, I’m throwing out a guess off the top of my head on that one.

So in any discussion of kink and culture it seems impossible to avoid bringing up 50 shades of grey, which of course has been quite polarizing within the community. But what impact do you think its popularity has had on the kink community.

I don’t go to one extreme or the other – I think there are pros and cons.  I’ll go with the cons first. I read all of them, because I felt, given my position and my classes, that I needed to read them and know if I was to speak to them that I would be coming from a place of knowledge. (Sighs) I did not enjoy the writing. I’m a reader and I’ve never been one to read romance novels and things like that. The writing itself I thought was pretty subpar.  I’m trying to be nice.  And you know, the bdsm stuff, for somebody that’s is in the scene, it got a little repetitive, a little bit boring.   Although for mainstream people reading it I could see where it could be very titillating, very exciting, if its something they’ve never experienced.  One major concern was people taking stuff from the book, and not being in the scene, and not going to classes and just going out and trying stuff and having things happen, having accidents, or people getting hurt and then them looking at our community and thinking “oh, well they’re a bunch of irresponsible people that hurt each other” – not realizing that we’re all about education. And the representation of it being so far off from reality, and hoping that people take it as it was which is fiction.

On the plus side it did bring it more into mainstream, it made it a topic of conversation.  And for me personally it was actually something that I used to come out to my mom about being in the lifestyle. I don’t know if she’d want me to say this – she was reading it… but you know the fact that it was out there and mainstream and people were talking about it, I was able to use that to say “so you know this book, well that’s kind of my life.” Now I had to explain beyond that because obviously the books don’t represent the real life.  But it was my sort of segue into having that conversation.

One aspect of 50 shades which I have heard disparaged by some people in the community is that the character of Christian Grey is portrayed as being interested in BDSM because he had this horrific abuse-ridden childhood.  In your experience, is being kinky typically linked to these types of childhood events, or are they unrelated?

That was actually one of my biggest problems with the books, having read all of them, because I don’t think you get so much of that just reading the first one.  But if you read the whole series that was one of my biggest issues, that it made it seem like he was in this because of the messed up childhood and that the way he ended up becoming happy was actually by becoming more vanilla… to “fix” him.  That pissed me off.  I did not like that at all.  Because yes, while there are people that are in the scene maybe due to things that happened in their childhood, I certainly know that that’s not everybody and I think that it’s perpetuating that stereotype that it is everybody.  That if you’re into kink you must have been molested as a child or abused as a child and that’s simply not true.  Can it be true? Absolutely. But it can be true for somebody that is vanilla as well.

Do you think that BDSM is becoming more accepted by mainstream society and do you think that kinksters today have a legitimate fear of being outed or kink shamed?

I think because of things like 50 shades, again there are some positives to that.  And it’s not just 50 shades, somebody was pointing out the other day that there are so many TV shows now that incorporate bdsm and kink.

True Blood is full of it!

(laughs) …yes but even, you know, crime shows and regular dramas and things like that.  It might just be a two second scene but there’s a lot more of it out there in mainstream society and media.  And I think it does open up the mainstream society to becoming more accepting. We still have a while to go – it’s baby steps – just like with anything else.  Just like with women’s rights and LGBT issues and all of these things.   I mean you look at Caitlyn Jenner and that whole story and that will be another baby step for the transgender community.  But absolutely if people feel like their families or their jobs are at stake i think it’s sad that that’s the case because i feel like it’s your personal life. But yes, some people are worried about that. I get it and I understand it and it’s why we have so many things in place to protect people’s identity.  My personal opinion is it sucks that people have to worry about it.  Like nobody would want to have to be worried about being fired because they really enjoy horseback riding. It’s your personal life.  So I think it’s sad but at the same time it is slowly becoming more accepted.

Do you ever run into your therapy clients at play parties? And is that awkward?

I do. It is a conversation in our first session. I let them know just like I let vanilla clients know before I was even in the scene, “look… I may run into you”.  I live where I work. I might run into  you at the movie theater.  I might run into you, in this case, at a party, or a munch.  “Do you think that’s going to be an issue?”, is the first part of it and they generally say that’s not a big deal. My second part of that is “OK, if it happens and if there are any feelings about it or awkwardness or you or I  feel like it’s affecting our work then we’ll have a discussion about it.”  But it’s something I do bring up mostly just to prepare people in the very first session so that they understand that that could happen.  I also explain just like with vanilla clients that their confidentiality is theirs to break. I will never run up to them and talk about our last session or whatever and have someone else ask how I know them and say they’re in therapy with me! I’m never gonna break that confidentiality.  If they break it that’s on them. But that’s one nice thing about my classes is that it’s also very easy to just say they took my class. So I do go over that one.  I can’t claim to be a therapist that is active in the scene if I’m too worried to go out, right?

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues.  She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening.

 

Pillow Princess Dom

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smile

So I was having a conversation a while back with a friend of mine. If you know me personally, you know my memory sucks and I can’t remember the details of the conversation. However, what I do remember is that, for whatever reason, the way she was describing a Dom caused me to blurt out, “He’s a pillow princess Dom!” I then had to explain what a “pillow princess” was. If you haven’t heard this term before – here is the Urban Dictionary definition:

Pillow Princess: A woman, usually in a curious/bisexual context, who wants to experience pleasure from oral sex, but who is unwilling to reciprocate. Jane: All Jill ever does when we have sex is just lay back and have me do all the work.

So now you may be wondering how I applied this to a Dominant (and in the example my friend gave – a MALE Dom). Basically I am referring to a Dominant who thinks of power exchange as a one-way gift from the submissive. (fyi – for the purpose of this article I am using Dom to refer to any gender identity)

I think sometimes new D-types walk in to the scene and expect (either thru false media or false assumptions) that as a Dom they don’t have to do anything except tell subs what to do. Here’s the thing. I can understand that fantasy. Sit on your figurative throne, have a sub at your feet, massaging them, unless of course they are busy preparing you food, cleaning your house, and running your errands. Instinctively knowing what you need and how you prefer everything to be done. All the while you spend your time living your life the way you wish – outside of your job you simply sit back and watch tv or play video games while your sub frantically takes care of everything else.
While that may be a lovely fantasy, it’s just that, a fantasy. You will be hard pressed to find a sub who would last long in this scenario without getting anything in return. There is a reason it’s called power EXCHANGE. A D/s dynamic takes both partners giving to the other. They may be giving different things, but it’s never a one way street. Even in the example of a very simple domestic service type of dynamic – a sub cleans for a Dom with no expectation of sex, play, or payment. At the very least (in my opinion) there should at least be appreciation expressed from the Dom. Using protocols as another example – you can’t just give a bunch of protocols to your sub and expect them to happen. If you give so many that you can’t remember them and your sub forgets, you don’t reprimand, the protocol may disappear. It takes both parties to nurture the dynamic. We are all humans first. No matter how we identify or what fetishes we love, we are human beings first. So if you are someone I would consider a “pillow princess dom” you may want to reconsider. It may work for a little while, or for short spurts of roleplay with a long term partner, but eventually if you don’t participate in the exchange you will go thru subs like a Kardashian goes thru shoes.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.