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The Complete Mentoring Guide

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this week in kink

This article can be filed under “controversial” and “opinion” because it falls into both categories. You can also file it under “important,” because I think it is essential to objectively examine the practice of Dominants placing submissives “under their protection.” Although we have covered the basics in our previous kinkweekly.com article, “What Is A Mentor?”, I thought a more detailed look would be useful – especially to new submissives. As with many BDSM traditions, “mentoring” in this “Fifty Shades” world is disappearing. People are just jumping into Dom/sub relationships. But until the practice totally dies out, I think we should examine it – if only to protect those new subs who might encounter – or seek out – this way of entering the lifestyle.

To recap: let’s define what “under the protection of (the Dominant)” (often called “mentoring”) means. In theory, it is where an experienced Dominant selflessly looks out for and coaches a submissive. In practice, it ranges all the way from honorable, experienced Dom/mes showing newbies the ropes while protecting them from predators (best-case scenario), all the way to conniving Dom/mes using it as a way to quickly become the “de facto Dominant” without any of the responsibilities of a Master/Mistress (worst-case scenario.) Mentoring seems to have no historical basis in BDSM; I cannot find reference to it in “Old Guard” lore or anywhere else. It appears to be an Internet-inspired phenomenon; there are no universal standards.

In its ideal manifestation, mentoring has much to recommend it. An experienced Dominant is the perfect person to guide a newbie through the daunting maze that is BDSM. He/she can show the new submissive the ropes while also screening out potential predators who might seek to take advantage of the newbie’s newness. (That is either a neat phrase or totally lame!) But, life is rarely ideal. For example, let’s say the protector is tasked with screening potential Dom/mes for the submissive. The most experienced Dom/me is neither all-seeing nor all-knowing. I would be more comfortable if the job of screening potential Masters included consulting with the sub rather than screening them unilaterally, which is usually the case.

This practice is just begging to be abused. After all, who is protecting the submissive from the protector? Protection can turn out to be less a teacher/student relationship than a version of “Dom/sub light.” (Of course, if this is what the sub seeks, then this is fine.) Although this is truly an anecdotal observation (I have no hard statistics to back up this claim), it seems that this is especially true in a male Dom/female sub situation. In this “worst-case yet common” scenario, protection is just a way of getting the milk without buying the cow. The insecure Dom is able to take a female sub off the market quickly and become the sub’s sole support system. He quickly becomes the sub’s de-facto Dom – but without the responsibilities.
As with any social system, there are bound to be abuses. So, let’s give newbies a few tips that can help them choose a mentor/protector, should they decide to pick one.

1. Both of your agendas should match. See if your potential mentor has a hidden agenda that is at odds with yours. Is his/her primary motivation your well-being or is there another aspect to it? Often married men, or Doms with alpha slaves, will use protection as a way of rapidly snapping up an additional sub. If this is acceptable to you, this is fine; otherwise, be forewarned. Make sure both of your agendas match. This is probably the most important aspect when picking a protector.

2. Check out the protector’s reputation. Ideally, you should have a “protector protector.” As this is not only silly but also impractical, don’t jump under someone’s protection until you check him/her out. If you meet your “protector” at a local dungeon, ask around (including other subs.) If you met online, find real time people who know him and ask! The keyword is “ask.”

3. Use your “bullshit-detector.” Don’t simply rely on detective work and testimonials alone. Use your bullshit-detector. (If you don’t have one, they are on sale, this week only, on kinkweekly.com.) Does your gut tell you the Dom/me is honorable or is he/she being deceptive? Honesty is everything if you plan to trust someone else with critical decisions. So, trust your instincts – your built-in “bullshit detector.”

4. Look for red flags. If the protector says, “Don’t go on the Internet…resign from kinkweekly.com…don’t talk to this Dom or that Dom…give me all your passwords…I will screen your friends…I will control all your money…I am your sole source of information, etc.” Any one of these, especially anything having to do with your money, is a big red flag.

5. Don’t be desperate. Often the worst abuse comes when a submissive is at an emotional low point and seeks a “protector” to help sort things out. This is a very human need. However, if you are desperate, it might attract predator Doms who can sense your situation. Search with purpose, not with desperation.

6. Mentor should not be making demands. Ideally, a mentor should be there to help you learn or heal, and he/she should not be making demands or asking for control. Unless this is what you want, this should be a red flag.

7. Don’t get bum-rushed. If your potential protector says, “Now,” this is another red flag. True story: I was at a local dungeon with my collared slave and a play partner. Play partner leaves us, checking out the play space; half hour later she comes back and states, “I cannot talk to you anymore, I am under the protection of Lord Bla Bla Bla,” whom she just met. Shortly thereafter, she left the lifestyle in disgust. The world won’t end if you wait a week or two. (Although watching the news, I am not so sure.)

8. Negotiate. Just as you should negotiate a Dom/sub relationship, you should negotiate the rules of protection. Don’t leave it as a vague concept that basically gives the “protector” more influence in your life than even a Dom/me! Be specific – set hard limits and specify where the mentor’s areas of control and/or protection begin and end. For example, many subs want a protector to be with them at BDSM events and parties, so they don’t attend alone. This could be where the protector’s duties begin and end. Or, there could be more. No matter what, obligations and limits should be negotiated.

9. Have fun. As I have stressed over and over again, BDSM should be fun. If your mentor makes the whole process “un fun,” you are losing out. The last thing you need is to make BDSM a chore. (Unless, if course you enjoy not having fun. In which case, disregard this tip!)

Although the concept of mentoring and protection is an admirable one, one should never forget to always be vigilant. Not paranoid, vigilant. I hope these tips will keep you on your toes and, should you seek out a mentor/protector, you will choose wisely!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Controversy time: Predator Doms

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man in suit

In a previous, contentious article, “Predator Pro-Dommes,” I warned against a new breed of faux Pro-Dommes invading the BDSM world post “Fifty Shades.” Although the response was largely positive (and most who excoriated me did not carefully read what I wrote), I admitted one major error, and I quote: “If there is one large error that I made, it was to not add that there are predatory male Doms out there too. And I will likely write about that.” Well, here it is! This article is addressed SPECIFICALLY to subs (male or female) who are looking for a male Dominant.

When any person interested in being a sub enters the BDSM lifestyle, they invariably hear the word “trust” mentioned a lot. Obviously, once you consent to being tied up, you must trust your Dominant. In a D/s relationship, you trust that his decisions will be, on balance, good ones. Thus, the statement that “D/s is based on trust” has a lot of truth within it.

In our lifestyle, and in interpersonal relationships in general, trust is one of the hardest things to judge. “Can I trust him?” is a tough question to answer. In a society where people meet total strangers online, it is hard to know whom to have confidence in. Can examining different aspects of “trust” shed light on how to spot an incompetent or – worse still – a Predator Dom? Let’s give it a try.

As I see it, there are two kinds of trust. The first type is what I term “scening trust.” The beauty of BDSM play is that it sets up an objective way to evaluate this area of trust. After a few scenes, you can assess the “trust level” of just about any dominant by answering the following questions.

1.Is the Dom as skillful as he first claimed to be? Did the dominant exaggerate his skill level? Did he answer your pre-scening questions truthfully? Were there any “truth” red flags? This is not only a question to determine how well suited a dominant is to you, but it also answers questions about his basic integrity.

2.Did the Dom allow a safe word? I personally believe that a couple can eventually dispense with a safe word – but only after they know how they play. But, if a dominant categorically refuses to allow the use of a safe word in your initial scenes, trust is an issue.

3.Did the Dom stop immediately upon hearing your safe word? If the answer is “no,” trust can be totally killed.

4.Was the Dom interested in your well-being? Or was he totally self-indulgent even at the peril of safety?

5.Did the Dom exude an aura of competence that made you feel safe? When the play gets more edgy – such as needle play — the level of requisite trust escalates. Do you trust him to keep you safe in all play situations?

If your answers to the five questions are all positive ones, you are off to a good start. And, if your situation is a play-only deal, you can just evaluate trust from strictly scening point of view.

It is in the area of emotional trust that the lines often become blurred. It is in this area where “Predator Doms” lurk. What makes an “unsafe emotional player” is a totally subjective call. Yet, this is at least as important a criterion as “scene trust.” In the emotional trust area, I propose five more questions that must be answered before you can begin to trust a potential Dom.

1.Did the Dom lie to you at any time? This is pretty basic stuff. But, one must be super-vigilant at the beginning. I am not saying, “One strike and you’re out!” There can be extenuating circumstances or the lie might be a forgivable one (at the option of the lie-ee.) But, honesty is the foundation of trust.

2.Did the Dom bum-rush you with an “insta-collar?” This can be fun; I am open-minded. But, it not the most effective way to establish trust which, like it or not, is built up over time.

3.Does the Dom make any demands that seem unreasonable? Although this is #3, this might be the key to spotting a “Predator Dom.” If a potential dominant says, “Give me your paycheck,” “Slaves have no property” or something similar right off the bat, you can bet establishing trust is not his first priority. Hold on to your wallet. Unless you REALLY want to give him your wallet! (This is all consensual, you know.) But don’t complain to me if you wind up penniless.

4.Is the Dom totally open with you? Does the Dom avoid certain questions or shade the truth? Does he address your concerns in a straightforward manner?

5.Does the Dom have other Dom friends who can vouch for him? If you are trusting someone with your life, you might as well find out if this person has peers who can vouch for him. When I met my current slave, I had her meet Sire Kane, of Lair deSade and other Doms. This is not a requirement, but it is part of a profile that you should put together when you want to submit on a high level.

If you break down trust in this two-part way – play trust and emotional trust – you can evaluate your potential dominant’s “trust factor” in a more objective way. In this way, you can protect your body, your psyche and even your property!

In this post “Fifty Shades” era, with many new players entering the scene who have movie-level concepts of what BDSM is, one cannot be too careful. I am not an alarmist. On the other hand, being too careful is never a bad thing. “Better safe than sorry” is an old aphorism that still has value.

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Experienced s-type & New D-type

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Welcoming partner

For those who don’t know, this past weekend was DomCon. I was teaching a 101 class the last day and was taking a few questions near the end. One question was about where best to start exploring as a couple. I was glad I asked a couple of questions of my own first. I said that it may depend on level of experience of both partners. I asked if the question was for two people who were both new to the scene. The man who had asked the original question answered that he and his female partner had different levels of experience. He had been in the scene for a while and she was brand new. I then asked what their dynamic was. He is the s-type, she the D-type.

SO glad I asked those questions. Here you have a fairly new relationship where the s-type has experience in the scene and is introducing their D-type to the dynamic and to the community. This situation can effect the dynamic if you aren’t aware or mindful.

I relate to this situation personally. First of all, if you look at my relationship history there are several times I have been in this situation. I call myself a recruiter. Lol It’s not on purpose – I just seem to meet/attract the newbies. (Even before I started teaching 101) My current relationship is no exception. We met at the munch that I host, however, he wasn’t a part of the munch – he just happened to be at the bar that I host the munch at. He had no idea who I was or what our group was about. Fortunately for me he was quite Dominant by nature as well as kinky (perhaps without realizing it). He had simply never been exposed to the scene or the concept of power exchange relationship dynamic.

In the beginning I was there to answer his questions, explain terms and concepts, take him to events, and introduce him to lots of other people in the community. What I realized after a bit, however, was that I didn’t want to be in the “teacher role” with him. In the personal dynamic we were supposed to be formulating he was supposed to be the leader, the teacher, the guide. By me taking that role due to our difference in experience, it began to feel like our D/s roles were somewhat reversed.

I got smart this time. I suggested he find someone (or more than one someone) to talk to and ask questions of. Specifically other D-types in the scene. Fortunately I call many of them friends and they have been very willing to support his journey through teaching and unofficial mentorship. Beyond developing these personal one-on-one relationships with other D-types, he has continued to go to classes and conferences. We talk about each class whether I attended along with him or not. It’s not that I don’t contribute my knowledge or continue to expose him to classes and other opportunities to learn and grow. However, if he needs assistance when it comes to the dynamic he has people to talk to besides me.

Quick example. I asked him if we could have a ritual to begin play because it helps transition my head space. His first instinct was to ask me what I wanted the ritual to be or ideas for him to create something. This was one of those things where I said I’d rather he talk to someone else for ideas, plan what he wants to do and then just TELL ME what the ritual WILL BE. This doesn’t mean I won’t provide feedback after my experience of said ritual or that it won’t necessarily get changed or tweaked. However, I don’t want to have input about everything. With this example I believe it became more clear to him about which things to discuss with me and which to discuss elsewhere.

So, ultimately, my answer for that couple was for them to discuss things they liked (he knew already) or things they (or she) were interested in exploring. And for her to focus on making other D-type friends, specifically female D-types, so that she wasn’t relying on him for all the answers.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Five Aspects of BDSM We Forget

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handcuffs

My timing is fortuitous for this article, it being the new year and all. Perhaps some of you can add these items to your list of new year resolutions. While I love the lifestyle and specifically the scene in LA, there are some key elements that are sometimes overlooked. In an effort to not make this a list of rants, I’ve tried to offer supportive advice for each item. Feel free to elaborate and add onto the list in the comments!

1. Proper introductions. While protocols are often touted as the norm, I often see folks completely ignore proper hellos and introductions. Perhaps it’s the dungeon atmosphere that makes people nervous or maybe it’s a Dominant that’s too big for his/her britches, but a polite and respectful “Hello my name is Sir Domly McDomerton-it’s a pleasure to meet you” goes a long way. This etiquette flows over onto FetLife messaging as well. Also, don’t forget to introduce your friend/partner/sub/slave to new or old acquaintances as well. This will ease awkwardness and reinforce the dynamic. If all else fails, pretend it’s normal vanilla life and treat people like people.

2. Aftercare. I know you’re sick of hearing about it, but this is a super important ending to almost every scene. Pretend like the scene is a gift and the aftercare is wrapping up the entire thing in a nice, clean bow. Maybe you don’t feel like you’ll ever need aftercare, at least check in with the other person for a polite thank you and “how do you feel.” It’s better to be the person who asked about aftercare needs as it shows maturity and experience in the lifestyle.

3. Attending classes. There are enough know-it-alls in the world, please do not fall prey to being one of them. You know the type-they know everything there is to know from flogging to hook suspension and beyond. While it’s all good and well to be confident, it’s even more important to be well balanced and educated in your “craft”-for lack of a better word. This goes for both Dominants and submissives. Submissives may feel like they just need a good Dom/me to teach them everything. Be proactive. Being educated is your best protection against predators in the lifestyle. Most Dom/mes of quality will find your education in the lifestyle an asset rather than a hindrance.

4. Balance. I have personally found that there needs to be balance within BDSM vs. vanilla activities. I learned this early on from my first ever play partner. At the time, I didn’t understand it because I was new and wanted to experience everything to do with kink right then and there. I had the fever, so to speak. Now that I’ve grown from that and have many more experiences under my belt, I actually enjoy vanilla activities equal to, if not more than the BDSM ones. There are a few friends of mine who, like myself are lifestylers, but they have somehow lost the social grace to act appropriately in vanilla public- things like inappropriate touching or talking loudly about kink activities in mixed company. Remember, while you’re kink is your life and expression, much like a religious fanatic it is not your “right” to force your lifestyle on someone else or make people feel uncomfortable around you. This not only further damages the impression vanilla folks have about BDSM but it also alienates you from making potential connections and educating people about kink. You’re an ambassador of the lifestyle. However I do have to admit it’s often fun making mundane vanilla activities kinky. Use your imagination and discretion 😉

5. Having a variety of friends. This can mean a lot of things. Of course everyone has a large circle of acquaintances. Recently, Dexx and I realized we were often spending time with the same people over and over. We love these people and the group dynamic is fun when we get together. What’s wrong with that you may ask? We should all endeavor to keep our scope, skillsets, and opinions broad, informed, and well rounded. It’s not that we will stop seeing our favorite people, we’ll simply add new folks into the mix. Going to classes helps in the regard as well. Another approach is to attend play parties outside of your regularly scheduled events. I’m a voyeur. I love watching a great dynamic play. I identify as a submissive but I bet could learn a thing or two from attending a FemDom party. If the concept of opening up your circle of friends sounds distasteful or uncomfortable, I urge you to give it a shot. It’s good to feel uncomfortable every once in a while.

Writer, model, babygirl, submissive. After trying vanilla relationships one time too many, anniebear finally realized her submissive desires and discovered the BDSM community. When not writing for Kink Weekly, she enjoys spankings and being tied with rope.

BDSM Urban Legends Exposed

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Tunnel Light

Since all of us have been hit with Urban Legends in the vanilla world, must there also be “BDSM Urban Legends”? The answer is “Yes!”

In the spirit of the tabloid mythbusters, we here at Kink Weekly will take a look at some of the “BDSM Urban Legends” and examine them to see if they hold up. As we have yet to see anybody else challenge them, it is time to check the veracity of these widely circulated “words of wisdom.”

1. “BDSM scening isn’t about sex.”

The first “BDSM Urban Legend” we ever heard was, “BDSM scening isn’t about sex.” Actually, BDSM scening can be about just about anything, including sex. To think outside the box, I would suggest that a more accurate version might be, “BDSM scening is almost always about sex.” Since Freud (the famous psychologist, not the Dom!) postulates that EVERYTHING revolves around sex. So why this myth?

The “not about sex” saying is probably based on the fact that many of the most popular scenes do not appear to have a sexual component. A flogging, caning or paddling scene usually doesn’t include penetration on the playbill. But does that mean that a flogging scene really isn’t about sex? Overtly, that might be true; but more than likely, the participants get a sexual charge from the play. Many use a BDSM scene as foreplay. Again, it’s about sex. On a less subtle level, there are many bust-out BDSM/sex scenes. Just your basic “sex slave” scene surely contradicts the myth. A Yogi Berra version of this urban myth — “BDSM scening isn’t about sex…and vice versa!” – would probably be a hell of a lot more accurate. And amusing.

2. “Never Top from the bottom.”
Another “Urban Legend” is one aimed at the submissives, stating, “Never Top from the bottom.” This one has been tying subs up in knots (no pun intended) for decades! As an all-encompassing commandment, it fails the smell test. It is most accurate when it comes to scening. Surely, “You hit like a girl/boy”…“Hit the right cheek more”…“Keep your wrists loose!” are unacceptable during most scenes. But in real life, if the submissive always keeps silent for fear of “Topping from the bottom,” he/she would be making a big mistake. A Dominant is not a mind reader; making one’s preferences and needs known is essential for any submissive. If he/she is tactful – even if a bit Toppy – any good Dom should take suggestions to heart. The “legend” would have a hell of a lot more validity if the slogan were, “Never Top from the bottom in a scene.”

3. “A slave is higher on the food chain than a submissive.”
Yet another Urban Legend is, “A slave is higher on the food chain than a submissive.” This belief is so widespread, people seem to accept it without question. But if you examine it, it really doesn’t hold water. Putting aside the impossible task of trying to define the difference between submissive and slave (I have tried to codify the difference in a previous Kink Weekly article, “Slave vs. Submissive”), where is this pecking order I keep on hearing about? The pecking order seems to be a myth, too. And until there is an official hierarchy, food chain or pecking order, file this “BDSM Urban Legend” with the infamous Vegas-kidney-theft-legend.

4. “The submissive is the one who is really in control,”
This is another ubiquitous myth that everyone hears as soon as they have their first BDSM discussion. My personal opinion is that this is said by those who believe there is really no such thing as Dominance and submission. Surely, there is no such thing as legal slavery; a Dom can never force a submissive to do anything he/she refuses to do. But being physically able to leave or having the legal right to disobey does not equate to being in control other than by way of mutiny; once the power exchange is negotiated (and it is in the negotiation stage where the submissive is the power equal of the potential Dominant) and a D/s hierarchy established, the submissive is not in control over those areas ceded. Just because something is voluntary doesn’t make it any less real. The next time you watch a submissive in subspace, you will see he/she is not in control. The Dom is in control. And it is quite real.

5. “You cannot become a Master or a Top without having been a slave or a bottom.”
Our final Urban Legend in this installment is a classic. This is generally credited to the Old Guard Leather Societies, the progenitors of our current BDSM clubs, dungeons and community. This statement, of all the ones we have examined here, has the most to recommend it. Although I personally don’t think bottoming is a necessary step in the education of a Top, there are lifestylers whom I respect who think it is. It can be argued both ways. And although I don’t feel it is a necessary step, bottoming would surely give the Top a perspective that would be enlightening – in addition to a well-rounded education!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Pushing a Dynamic

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lock and chain

This, like most of my articles, is for both sides of the slash. Let’s start with what you hear of more commonly. The D-type pushing boundaries or pressuring an s-type, especially the newbies, to act as if they are in a power exchange dynamic. So all you s-types listen up: Just because you’re AN s-type, doesn’t mean you’re HIS or HER s-type! If you haven’t heard this before, it won’t be the last time. A power exchange dynamic, just like play, is something you enter into with consent and communication.

So how might a D-type push these boundaries?

One way can be before you ever meet them. It could be as soon as their first message to you. Greeting you, making their intention known and then “giving you permission” to call them Sir/Mistress, etc. Why? Just because you’re an s-type? Calling someone by a title is something you do as part of a dynamic. (By the way this is not in reference to those who refer to everyone as Sir or Ma’am out of politeness nor toward those that have it as part of their protocol.) You in no way “owe” this to anyone, especially someone you’ve never met! Remember you have a voice. Let them know you aren’t comfortable referring to them that way since you’ve never met. Or perhaps it wasn’t their first message, but only a handful of messages in. Either way, whether you’ve been chatting for one minute or one year, titles are things you discuss. If they get upset, then I would take that as a huge red flag. Chances are, at best, they are role-playing the D-type thing and really have no idea or interest in how these things work. At worst, they are purposefully trying to manipulate you.

Besides expecting titles to be used, there are other ways that D-types can push a dynamic. It could be at a party or munch where they tell you to get them something or expect you to cater to them. Key words here are “tell you” and “expect”. It’s one thing to politely ask for a favor, it’s another to simply assume you are at their beck and call just because of how you identify.

Now on to the other side of the issue. S-types can push a dynamic as well. Here’s how…

So you, a D-type, find someone to chat with on Fetlife. Things are going well up to this point, only a dozen or so messages back and forth so far. That’s when the s-type hits you with, “what do you want to do to me Daddy/Mommy?” or “What did Master/Mistress do today?”

Daddy?! Master?! Mommy?! Mistress?!

Hold on there! These are titles that should be earned, discussed, and negotiated. Now, this s-type could be trying to push for a dynamic or relationship prematurely, or they may not know any better. I think it’s a common misperception that s-types are expected to use titles for every D-type. This is especially true for those that are new in the scene. I recommend, if this happens to you, to let them know that they do not need to call you by a title, that your name (or preferred label) is perfectly acceptable until or unless you both agree to enter into something more. Now, if they disregard that request, then you may have an issue.

What it comes down to is that a power exchange dynamic is something to be respected and taken seriously. Try not to move too quickly and be wary of those that do. It’s ok to move at a slower pace, at your pace, until the time is right.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Predator Pro-Dommes

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silhouette girl portrait

If you are a male sub this article might be the most important one you will ever read (this might seem excessive hyperbole – until this article saves you heart ache and wallet ache.)

Lately, with BDSM going mainstream, with “Fifty Shades” paving the way, there has been a plethora (not an “epidemic – after all Kink Weekly is not Fox News) of what I call “Predator Pro Dommes” invading our community.

(Warning: this might be extremely politically incorrect.)

With the decline of the adult industry and the economy in general, many female sex workers, pornstars and free lancers (who think this is easy money) have been looking for additional income streams. Enter the compliant male submissive. These men have been targeted by many greedy “Faux Dommes,” since submissives are, by definition, anxious to obey their Mistress. Although most, but not all, of these so-called Predator Pro Dommes are loathe to order a submissive to “Empty your bank account for your Mistress,” expensive wish lists, outrageous fees and pricey “tributes” are common and are red flags if you care about your bank account. (If you are an extreme financial masochist and want a Predator Dominatrix to leave you virtually penniless, or are extremely wealthy, that is your choice. Read no further. On the other hand, if you wish to participate in Financial Domination, as it is called, and skip most other aspects of BDSM, we will offer tips to play economically safe in a subsequent article.)

Now it is one thing for a legitimate Pro Domme to be compensated for her time. I am totally cool with that. But it is quite another thing to coldly and diabolically hustle a submissive into paying through the nose for a so-called Mistress who has no interest in BDSM other than as a means to enrich herself. Besides, not only can it be extremely expensive, but often these so-called Dommes also know little more than “On your knees, slave…worship your Mistress.” Thus, the submissive misses out on much of what BDSM is all about. All at an outrageous price.

So how does a submissive – especially a beginner – protect himself? (Again, this is usually a “Domme/male sub” situation.) This can be a bit tricky as some of these “Predator Pro Dommes” are quite clever.

The surest way is to hire a Pro Domme from a reputable dungeon. For example, Los Angeles’s Sanctuary would be one such place. There, the Pro Dommes charge a reasonable hourly rate, all are skilled and familiar with the lifestyle. And in most major cities there are reputable dungeons that offer similar services.

Another way is to ask for references. Talk to the Domme’s other subs and BDSM friends to get a feel as to whether this Pro Domme is a lifestyler making money or a bust out hustler trying to empty your bank account. If she refuses to offer references, that is a BIG red flag. Best to avoid her.

I would try to avoid meeting Pro Dommes on Craigslist or twitter; and although fetlife.com offers no protection, the odds of meeting a legit Domme there are greater. Plus, you can easily cross-reference there.

I also advise asking for a per-hour fee schedule. See if it is comparable to fees at a Pro Dungeon. If it is way out of line, or she says, “How dare you ask me, slave?” or some such way of avoiding the answer, another red flag. The key word here is, “Next.”

You might also use a skills/lifestyle interview. Is she adept with a single tail, cane or a flogger? Play-wise, what are her specialties? If she is vague here, pass. Is she a member of a local dungeon and which one? (This is easy to check up on.) If she says she only plays privately in her own home, this is a big red flag. You might also ask her how she became a Domme? How long has she been in the lifestyle? A good interview is worth a thousand bounced checks!

On the other hand, if the Domme interviews you, don’t come off like you have a helicopter and are Richy Rich, unless you are. You can ring even a legitimate Domme’s greed bell. Honesty does work both ways.

Ultimately, even if you are submissive, it is your money and time – and you have a right to insist it is spent on a reputable, knowledgeable Dominatrix who respects the lifestyle. Being a submissive does not equate to being a pushover for the unscrupulous.

Finally, if you are married, vanilla and need to experience some form of simple Femme Domme worship that these predators specialize in, why not get your wife to learn to dominate you in this manner? If it is easy for newbie “Dommes” to learn, surely your wife can learn it just as easily. You can also play Financial Domination games with little financial risk. After all, the money would just go back into your joint account!

If you are a single submissive looking for a Mistress, why go pro? Bide your time, go to socials and munches, join a dungeon and find a Mistress to share your life with. It might take a while, but you will likely avoid winding up alone and with no Mistress when your money runs out.

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

All You Can Eat Buffet: An Approach to BDSM

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Fetish Hand cuffs, collar, whip dominatrix

Not everyone is fortunate enough to cross the boundary into kink accompanied by a friend or a mentor. New people might say to themselves “well, I have to look around, see what my options are, and then I’ll figure out where I want to be. I have to see everything first.” That’s the All You Can Eat Buffet approach. So, what might be better? How about a Be True to Self approach. It is far more likely to support a new person’s right to retain control over what they experience and over personal safety.

The wildly experiential nature of the All You Can Eat Buffet can seem attractive to anyone. Why not wield a flogger or cast a whip or drip some wax? We’ve, all, watched other people do it, so, how hard can it be? Someone might feel pressured into saying “yes” the first time that someone contacts them online. Or, they might exaggerate their BDSM experience the first time that someone approaches them at a club. So, it’s “yes” to pretty much whatever this or that stranger encourages them to do.

All You Can Eat Buffet can look like s-types (submissives or slaves) doing whatever a dominant says as a necessary element of their identity as an s-type. That’s fine in a trusting and respectful relationship with negotiated boundaries in which both partners know their rights. “You can say ‘no’ at any time.” Otherwise, disrespect is possible and, at the extreme end, abuse can erode any relationship.

By strong contrast, Being True to Self begins with turning inward. Listen to what feelings are kicking up. Using one’s feelings as a navigation system is a wise move in life in general. It’s a terrific choice as you stroll along BDSM paths, specifically. If a situation feels uncomfortable then turn away. That awful feeling in the pit of your stomach when danger is nearby is a warning. Go elsewhere. Let your feelings guide you toward good people and great situations for you. That’s when your internal navigation system rewards you with “yay,” “that feels right,” “ooh, give me more.” “Personal responsibility and risk management are really the point.”

Doing whatever it takes to stay safe is an important aspect of Being True to Self. Listening to your built-in navigation system is good for the individual and good for our kink communities. We can protect each other. “There are good and bad people everywhere, vanilla or not. Take the time to learn first so you can make informed decisions.”

Our communities are full up with genuinely caring people who think of it as an honor to help newcomers. But it is crucial to recognize that BDSM is a world with open doors, porous walls, and people of every type. So, none of us should hesitate to ask for references and to vet potential play or relationship partners: “I vet people. If I don’t know someone I will reach out to people on their friends list.” You might want to stick with people who are well known in your local community. That’s Being True to Self.

It really is okay to let yourself embrace whatever feels good to you within BDSM and leave the rest alone. In truth, there is no such thing as seeing all that’s available in our kink communities. Design your kink journey slowly and with patience and all the while listening to that internal guidance system of yours. Ask yourself, “What Do I Need?” Ask yourself that question again and again. You have a right to your own personal happiness. Create what’s right for you with the people you choose to interact with rather than be pulled and pushed by external forces. That’s Being True to Self.

The kink community gains yet another strong and alert member when the new person walks about mindfully. That’s one more set of eyes, wide open. Then, it is of less consequence that someone is new. The new person who is practicing Being True to Self has a lot to contribute and that alone makes our kink communities stronger.

Mistress Sky is a tantra practitioner, bondage queen, and hypnotist. Professionally, Sky is a life positive counselor for alternative lifestyles at Gates Counseling. She gives presentations and workshops and writes about Unequal Partnership, the dominance/submission model that she developed over the last ten years.

anniebear Interviews Submissann

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human pony

anniebear: It looks like you have your hands in a bunch of different groups and projects. You’re obviously very active within the community, specifically with the pony and critter play. And you also have written a few books on the subject as well. Could you elaborate on what the main focus of your time is right now?

Submissann: Well, everyone has to make a living, so when I’m not doing that – my hobby is pony play. I really really enjoy it. Since my living is being a professional submissive, I sort of look at that as this book called The Marketplace. There’re several books actually by Laura Antoniou on The Marketplace.

Yes I’m familiar!

The characters get two year contracts and they get money for that, put it in the bank and their contracts have limits. It’s all written up. So, I look at being a professional submissive as a short term market place slave where my contracts are one hour, two hours, sometimes I get four days or a week but very short term compared to two years. Then there’s compensation for that, compensation for my time. I am very fortunate in that every day of my life I get to do certain or different aspects of BDSM because I have different partners that I play with, different partners that buy my time, that give me these short term contracts. Each of them has different interests. One may like electrical or enema play or wax or foot worship. Whatever it is, it’s like I get a wide variety of BDSM play in my life because I have so many wonderful partners that I play with just as my job.

That’s great!

Yea it is. So then if you’re going to have a hobby, it’s probably going to be something a little bit different. I found that just personally, I really really enjoy pony play. I enjoy training ponies and I enjoy being a pony. I first approached pony play from the side of being a pony.

Could you briefly talk about pony play as a kink?

Pony play is any time someone emulates a horse. So, a lot of people of all ages do this just for fun. And that’s really the whole essence of it. It can be anything and it’s what I enjoy about it. It’s when you’re pretending to be a horse, just like when you’re a child playing, it’s a very care free space. You’re not worried about your bills, you’re not worried about your relationships, you’re just playing and having a good time. And in a sense, play refreshes and revives your spirit. It feeds it, makes a special part of you alive. That needs to be fed too. I mean yes, as an adult you need to be responsible but if you don’t play, if you don’t allot some time –I mean you’re supposed to eat and work and exercise but you need play too.

Do you feel in this aspect of play that you can reach subspace* as well as regular more mainstream BDSM play?

Absolutely. There’re different ways that people do pony play. And there isn’t any right or wrong, there’re just different ways that people do it. So Ann Rice has a book on The Training of Beauty and the pony play that she describes in that is more of a slave being forced to be a horse. And they don’t go into what we call pony headspace. But they may fall into subspace, just like a when submissive so into serving they may get a head rush from serving and the adrenaline and the type of play that you may engage in when you’re being forced to be a horse could be such-like you could be whipped or tied down as a forced pony play. That’s just one. Being a slave forced to be a horse, just like a slave collared to a Master, there’s still a power exchange, it still can be a loving and wonderful relationship. So, it can fall into that. But then there’s also people that they have what you might call an inner pony that seems to come out, there seems to be this space we call it pony headspace, and its like almost a dream state. Like being awake and dreaming at the same time. And you have this horse personality. You have this pony personality that comes out while you do that. So that is a different way of playing. And I know people that when they do their pony play and they pretend to be a horse and then they fall into this pony headspace and they seem to fall so hard that they actually don’t remember when they come out of it.

You have to be really careful with them, you have to guide them slowly. The handler has to be very mindful of the pony. I’ve talked to them and what its like for them they very much when they’re a pony, they react like a horse, they have behaviors that are very horse like. They don’t speak, they move like a horse, they neigh like a horse, all the sounds of a horse. When they’re a horse they’re a horse!

ann as pony

I imagine it’s a pretty interesting experience to watch as a spectator.

Yes, absolutely, it’s just amazing. For people that go really hard into that headspace, some of them don’t even remember. When I’m Beauty, that’s my pony name I was given by my trainer Rebecca Wilcox and Rebecca wrote the book The Human Pony. She wrote it while she was training me, I was her pony and I’m in the book. (laughs) I also wrote my own book Pony Play with Submissann. And when I go into pony headspace I do remember bits and pieces of it, I don’t think I remember all of it but I do have a recollection of it. It’s almost like remembering a dream for me. It has an altered quality to it and in fact I went to Burning Man to participate in The Pony Express. And we would get up at five am and I would make breakfast and coffee for my friend, who when she becomes a pony her name is Tindala, and Tindala and I would then transform into our pony selves and we’d get all fixed up and there would be mailboxes around Burning Man that people dropped notes into and then they were collected at the end of the day and sorted out and we would get it and the person that was driving the cart would have the letters and we would deliver them to the people. So I would go off and spend my morning in Burning Man as Beauty and I would remember going to the different camps and communities.

Beauty had a place, I never found it as a human, for Beauty there was “bacon and socks”. There was a huge bowl of socks (I guess what I can determine about that I think that the camp bartered socks). People go there and don’t bring enough socks-people don’t bring money, they barter there, so, there was a huge bowl of socks to exchange. And every morning they would have a great big fry pan of bacon and evidently Beauty just loved bacon. The world stopped for bacon for Beauty. So there would be different places I would go as a pony and then I would come back and I would rest as me, as Ann. Then for the rest of the day I would experience Burning Man. Sometimes I would try and figure out where I had been. Like I said, it was like following a dream because how Beauty sees things and I how I see things is a little different.

That is extremely fascinating. It’s like a dual personality going on.

That’s the closest scientifically that I’ve ever compared the two. Because I tried to figure out where I had been and even investigating-I can tell you the things that I do as Beauty but its like recalling a dream.

Some people do it just because its fun and they like the wardrobe. There are different aspects. Pony play is like this huge umbrella-that’s the other thing I like about it, it includes bondage. The gear and tack you wear because horses – their gear and tack is to control them and communicate with them. There is a lot of people that go to pony play and they do it just for the bondage. They do it just in their own room, they get on all of this gear and tack because they like the way that it is heavy bindings and even putting on horse heads that encompass your whole head in leather, that’s quite heady and sends you off in a different space. There’re many things that can happen in pony play and for other people they like to actually do the games that horses do, you can also do veterinary play you can get a vet check.

That’s pretty funny, how cool.

You can also instead of being a leather pony, you can be a rubber pony, there are people that really like latex, the constrictiveness-like when you put on the catsuits and corsets, it’s like being in a pressurized suit, there is compression. I really love pony play because it made me a much better submissive. Instead of having a conversation, you know someone gives you a command and then you have a conversation about it and then maybe you do it maybe you don’t. When you’re a pony you get a command, you can’t talk and you get rewarded for just obeying, especially when you’re doing something like dressage which is like pony ballet. You (as a Pony) are given those commands and you have to interpret them really fast and do them really fast. So, that’s skill, that getting a command and just doing it – fast, without hesitation.

I remember one time dong a session where the person I was playing with had a stun gun. Usually, it’s used to intimidate you but he had it on and said, “I want you to take this and just stun yourself,” and I just took it and zapped it on my thigh and jumped four feet (laughs) afterwards he was like “listen, that was amazing” and he says “why didn’t you hit your butt?” and I said “well, I was sitting down so the biggest muscle I had was my thigh.” And I just did it, without hesitation without thinking. A command and then, you just do it. There’s a certain headiness in playing that way.

What type of groups and events are there for people that might be interested in this?

There might be local groups- in 2009 I started the Los Angeles Pony and Critter Club because I wanted to have other ponies to play with and the nice thing about having a group is that you can do Fox Hunts and Derby’s and you can do things that take not only more than one or two people but a group of people in order to do them; so, people might find in their area a pony or critter group or some kind of animal role play group. There are also dedicated pony play events. I produce the Equus International Pony Play Event. That’s a full weekend of Cart games and English games and western games. It’s just like if you go to a western day with equine horses where you have barrel racing and pole bending, we have all of those games that we do and we judge and get ribbons and its just like that. You can find social groups to play with. Down in the south there’re now Ponies on the Delta. In February, in Las Vegas there’s a Dog and Pony Show as part of the event – Sin in the City. Thunder in the Mountains in Colorado – they have a great big track in the dungeon to do your pony stuff on. Camp Crucible out east, they have a Pony track, classes, different games, a Pony Show, it’s a ten day camping event.

I was actually looking into Camp Crucible too. Are you planning on going?

Not only am I planning on going to Camp Crucible in May, it’s over the Memorial Day weekend time, I’m actually going to be teaching a class. They have classes on pony play, they have activities to do with the ponies, they have a pony show. Last year, we did their first fox hunt. They have other things to offer, it is a giant event, like a Tea and cocktail parties centered around focus groups, a Rope track, venders….

It looks like a well rounded event.

It is. It’s so much fun and I highly recommend the clit washer.

The what?!

The clit washer. You can Google the clit washer and the guy that has made it-its this great big device on this little trailer and he comes through the camp and you must experience the clit washer. It’s not a complete experience of Camp Crucible without it.

Thanks for the recommendation!

You’re very welcome. Take your friend with you because you may be a little wobbly. It’s hard walking afterwards. They do have a lounge.

The Los Angeles Pony and Critter Club, we have a very active group with not only myself planning events-we have two Fox Hunts, Cart & Sled Trot & Romps, and a Derby Day; we also have a lot of puppies and Pepper Pup organized an event for them. We just had a Puppy Palooza. It was a puppy and critter event. “Every dog has their day.” Up in San Francisco there’s Stampede and in Atlanta there’s a pony group, ARC. In Florida, there’s a lot of pony play and they have a great event there as part of Beyond Leather. It’s called International Pony Play Championships.

Dressage

How cool is that? Well it sounds like you maybe prefer the pony play over the submission would you say or the pro-subbing?

Well it’s like with anyone and their hobby. If your hobby is running your electrical trains, you do your job and then you run home and do your hobby. Now, I love my job. I learn so much from it, I learn from the people I play with, it is really really rewarding. I’ve even had people that I am the guide for them to go from having a vanilla life because they know that they can call someone and buy a submissive or buy someone to do their BDSM play with, but then if they really like it and their life is accepting for more (for some people only do that – buying a safe partner-it is as far as they go because of the job they have or they’re in a relationship), if you’re someone who in you’re life you can do more – I’m always open. I tell people what the local clubs are that they can go to, that they can go to take classes. I can be a bridge for people and its very rewarding to see people that eight years ago they were my client and now there they are with their submissive and they’re in the community and they’re experiencing more of BDSM fully.

sub ann red dress

That could be extremely rewarding to see I’m sure.

Yes, it is, it’s very rewarding, and for me, I think that if you are a bridge and you go to your job as a positive thing and try to leave the person you see in a better space not matter what that is, it just makes it better. I love my job. If I could just remember all of my shoes when I leave. I’m terrible! (laughs) I get a little spacey afterwards so it’s really hard to clean up everything. Sometimes I have to go back and get my shoes. I have submissive shoes-I guess as Dorothy had her ruby red slippers, I have submissive shoes.

Well I guess if the shoes are the only thing you leave behind you’re not doing too bad!

Yea I think so!

Going briefly back to the pony play, are there any safety hazards or dangers that people should be aware of before engaging in pony play?

Well there are things that could happen. I think that your activity can be limited depending upon your physical abilities. There are certain, you know science and laws of physics things-if you’re pulling a cart and you’re running really hard you shouldn’t try and stop on a dime because the weight of the cart can push you down on your knees. Its important that you play with and learn from people that have this knowledge so that they can take care of you.

It sounds like it’s like with any BDSM activity, it is best to learn from someone who has some experience rather than just trying to go for it. Studying up on it a bit.

Absolutely. I mean when I was beginning out, I would go to a club and I would sit and I would watch people playing with other people and I would watch how they interacted and how they played and not just whether they flogged really well but also how they interacted afterwards. Did they just walk away or did they take care of them, make sure that they had water. Its sort of like if you go out to eat with someone you’re dating, one of my rules about dating is if I go out to eat and the person I’m with treats the waitress really nice and leaves her a tip, is gracious and respectful, this is a good find, as opposed to a person who dogs the waitress, is disrespectful turns the salt shaker upside down, you know! It’s the same!

When you’re beginning as a submissive and you’re looking for a play partner you want someone who not only has skill experience but has people experience. The same with pony play. I sought it out. At the time, 2005/6, I learned Stampede was the only group I could find people that did this. And I went to their munch and that was where I met Rebecca. I talked with her and she said that she would meet with me and train me as her pony. And just like dating, when you’re meeting a new person (just like regular life), it’s the same thing. When you’re learning something new, you don’t sell everything you have and move to Antarctica. You should take things slow, step by step because that’s the natural progression of things. When I look at life I think it is a natural progression of life to “Be, Do, Have”. You be a pony and do the things that ponies do and then you get all of the equipment. You gather things rather than going and buying all of this stuff and then doing it and then being a pony. It’s the opposite way. Got it?

That makes total sense. I think people go in full bore with all their stuff and they don’t necessarily know how to use it.

Right. I think the more natural progression-you can be a pony, you don’t have to have all of this real expensive exotic stuff. The other thing that’s dangerous-the bits, you can use a regular horse bit. There’s something called Sealtex- it’s a latex bandage and you actually get it at the tack store because even bio horses, they wrap those metal bits in this sort of spongy bandage latex stuff and the horse can chomp on it and not break their teeth. Horses actually have a space in their teeth it falls into, we don’t have those as humans. You need to be careful of your teeth if you’re going to put a bit in there.

You can actually make everything out of rope. I’ve been with my granddaughter; it was her idea, it wasn’t my idea. My granddaughter and came to me one day and said “Grandma be my pony” and she had her rope and put it in my mouth and she got on back of me and wanted me to be her pony.

I’m assuming she was a child that was play acting?

Yes, a wonderful child (laughs) but that’s a very natural thing, it’s a very child like thing to do, it’s a natural play activity. And so, I pretended to be her pony and when I was tired she called her brother. She said “You can be my pony now.” She has all the makings of being a terrific trainer.

And from the other side if what you enjoy is training animals, animal role play can be very very rewarding in all the aspects of it: in grooming your pet, in taking care of your pet in training your pet, and just all of the fashion. I love equestrian fashion. It does everything for me. There’re many levels to it

So you mentioned you first got into pony play by going to that munch. Is that the very first thing you ever did in the lifestyle or were you a submissive before that?

I was a submissive before that. I came into BDSM because like most people, you are drawn to BDSM. There’s something that you like. Nobody told you it was kinky, it was just something that you like. When I was a kid we had lots of TV programs. I loved Superman because you have the beta man, Jimmy Olsen, and Louis Lane that always got tied up and then Superman rescued them. Or we had Dale Evans who got tied up on the Roy Rogers show or Penny on Sky King got tied up. So, we had as a child and as a TV program watcher, this sort of role model and we would go out and play and recreate that. And I found as a child that not only did I like the person who would capture me and tie me up and tease me, I liked that person just as much as I liked the person who rescued me. And nobody told you as a child that that’s kinky -you just know that you like it. When I got older in order to keep my relationships exciting for me, I would call up my boyfriend and I would say “I’m at this bar and I’m going to be here, maybe these guys will try and pick up on me and you have to come in here and pretend that you don’t know me and you have to win me over just like anyone else here.”

So, I would set up this role play and it was like setting up a situation where instead of being with someone with the same old same old, I was setting up a role play where they had to figure out how to slay the dragon and win the princess and it made it fun and then you went home and you would have hot sex like the first time. These things-nobody told me this was kinky. These were just things that I liked. And so there came a time in my life, it was after I was divorced that I met someone who wanted to explore more of this and I never saw any magazines. I never saw any videos. I didn’t understand it all – what they wanted – but I decided to trust him and just do it. So, it was just this one on one thing and it was great.

There was that person that I learned to play with and then we broke up and I was heart broken. Not so much about leaving and not being with him because that relationship-we didn’t quite mesh very well. I was heart broken that I thought they were the only one in the world that I ever thought I was going to be able to do that stuff with. I’d never find someone else like that and I’d have to go back to having regular sex with no handcuffs and without that play.

That’s like a death sentence.

Yea, it was like a death sentence, I cried and cried. You know, thank god, I was a single mom and I had to buck up and raise my kids and go on. Two years later I was on a date and the person took me to a Goth club in LA. In the late 90’s you could go to a Goth club and they would have a flog, paddle and tickle parlor where someone would come in and they would –oh my gosh I remember the first time I was there. The Red Sea divided and this handsome man with flowing red hair came waltzing through with his Bag of Bad and went up to the stage and flung open the curtain and there was a St. Andrews cross. I didn’t know the name of it then but that’s what it was. And there was a line and the women that went up there and they got spanked and they were flogged. And that was how I found the community. In Los Angeles there is a club called Bar Sinister and on Saturdays you can go there, the play is up in the loft. For a lot of people that is their entrance to BDSM. Maybe that’s as far as they want to go. Other people can go from that and the people there will tell them there’re private clubs like Sanctuary and Lair de Sade and the Bordello of Decadence. So you can pursue it more and you can find even more serious players. We have a great event in April now called Leather Heat that slave Bren produces. It has the who’s who of leather presenters presenting. All kinds of BDSM and kink and you can register and take classes and then they have dungeon time in the evening. I’m doing a class on pony play. There’s lots that you can do. That was how I found the community. And it was by chance.

All of that sounds really wonderful and I know it’s probably been quite a journey for you with all of your experiences.

Yes, how I got into pony play was Ken Marcus, a fantastic world renowned photographer. He had a whole history of doing photography of pony play and of pony girls and he hadn’t done it for a while and he gave me an assignment and he said he wanted to shoot it again and I had to put together my outfit. I would have this great photo shoot and I’d get to be photographed by Ken Marcus and get to be a pony girl, how different would that be. And so it was, actually-it took like six months. I had to go trying to figure out on the internet and there was this magazine called Equus Eroticus and I contacted the producer of that, Paul Reed, and that was how I was able to get some of the tack and there was this whole learning process of just putting together the outfit. And in doing that research and finding out what a pony girl needed, what tack and things I needed to have to look like a pony girl it became very apparent that being a pony girl wasn’t just a model wearing stuff, that there was more dimension to it, that there was something very –something that called to me that spoke to me and that’s what lead me to driving the miles from LA to
San Francisco to Stampede. That was what started my journey. So we can point to Ken Marcus and Paul Reed and we can blame them. They’re responsible. (laughs)

We can thank them! Send out a big thank you!

Isn’t it great when you’re wandering through life and you have people that make this incredible difference to you and change your life.

Yes, it’s awesome and the community is really really great and we’re really lucky to be in LA where it’s big and strong here.

It’s true. We are. There are still people out in the boondocks that are ponies. You know what’s nice about being in nowhere in Nebraska is that people drive 200 miles to go to the one bar and everybody is at that bar. The trainers, the puppies, the ponies, the leather people, the kink people, the rubber people, they all get along and they’re all there. And sometimes its so nice when you’re travelling and you go to a place like that because in LA we have so many people that we’ve all divided up.

Yes its very fragmented

Yes, you go one place for your rubber and another place for your leather and another for just kink, you know. So we’re very blessed, we have a lot of activity here. A lot of things stewing. I don’t think there’s hardly any night that you couldn’t go find something.

Submissann is a professional submissive based in Los Angeles. You can find out more information and contact her here. Her book Pony Play with subMissAnn is available here.

Know Thyself

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zen

Know thyself. I say this a lot to my classes and my clients. I have lived and continue to live in a way that I discover more about myself every day. One thing this community and lifestyle can teach you are lessons about who you are, what your limits and boundaries are, and what you strive for. Over time these things can change of course, however growth and commitment to self-exploration are essential.

Many of us do this as we go along in this world. It’s not like you go through a phase of life where you learn everything about yourself and then you’re just done all of a sudden. I believe we should be growing and learning until we die. So it’s not exactly reasonable to tell people to not live this lifestyle or begin to explore until they have everything figured out. It is however, reasonable to ask people to at least begin the journey of self-exploration and really start working hard on major issues before they enter into a serious D/s commitment with another human being. Whether it’s issues from childhood or baggage from past relationships – these things should be addressed with serious concern and attention. I’m not saying if you discover something that needs work and you are already in a relationship, to break it off and seclude yourself until you figure it out. However, if you aren’t yet in one – take advantage of this time to sink your teeth into issues that may come up in a dynamic.

Now, many people think this is mostly a D-type issue. That you can’t lead or be in charge of an s-type if you don’t have your own sh** handled. While I agree that if you are a D-type you should certainly be working on yourself and have the ability to maintain control over your own life before taking the lead of someone else’s, I definitely don’t think it only applies to D-types.

S-types also have a responsibility to work on self. We commonly talk about triggers when it comes to play and perhaps working through negative emotional reactions when dealing with poly dynamics or other issues the D-type introduces. However, an s-type needs to also be working on his or her self as an individual. An s-type cannot depend on their D-type for everything. First of all, be a whole human being with individual thoughts, interests, hobbies, and friends. Learn to develop personal boundaries and respect for yourself and those around you. These are all things that will support you in contributing to your relationship and your dynamic. Secondly, heaven forbid the D-type is gone – whether via break up or death. The s-type needs to be able to function independently. Otherwise their choice is what? Flounder around clueless or desperately chase the next relationship which may be unhealthy just because they don’t feel they have a choice? This is not ok.

I grew up with a mom who used to tell me that getting an education is incredibly important no matter my life plan. She would tell me she would fully support me if I decided (after getting a degree) to be a stay-at-home wife and mother for the rest of my days. However, if anything happened to my partner (divorce and death are rarely expected) she would know that at least I had an education to fall back on. This is a very similar concept when it comes to developing yourself independent of your current or future partners.

As a D-type you should encourage your s-type’s growth, as you continue to grow as well. As I mentioned in the beginning of this article, continuously work on self. You can’t afford to ignore major issues. If other people point out a problem, don’t let ego get in the way. Stop and examine what they’re talking about. Be willing to explore and change/work on what you need to.

Know thyself on either side of the slash. It will do you, your partners, and this community a lot of good.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.