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Subspace and Subdrop

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headspace
Photo by Vice Erotica

Subspace is something you hear about all the time in the scene. If you haven’t experienced it, then it may be this elusive wonderment of mind altering amazingness. If you have experienced it, then you know it can take different forms. It may be a simple state of relaxation, almost meditative, to a feeling compared to an out of body experience. One thing is important to keep in mind. You don’t need to experience subspace to enjoy an amazing scene.

So what is subspace anyway? Subspace can happen due to two different things. One is pain, or physically based. It is basically what happens when various chemicals in your body are released during play. When your body experiences extreme sensations it releases endorphins and adrenaline. These increase pain tolerance and can induce a floaty, trance-like state of mind. One thing I like to compare this to is a runner’s high. It’s the most similar “vanilla” activity I can think of for comparison if you haven’t experienced subspace yet. Bottoms will commonly compare it to feeling drunk, tipsy, or floaty.

The other type of subspace is more psychologically based. The bottom may experience this “spacey” feeling upon kneeling at the start of the scene at their Top’s feet, or feeling their Top’s hand grip their hair. These mental and emotional associations are strong and can cause an instant feeling of relaxation and centeredness. This is typically a lovely feeling that connects the bottom more strongly with their play partner/Top and helps them relax into the scene. It can also help a bottom connect more to their submission.

Keep in mind that with either or both types of subspace – the bottom is in an altered state of mind. This is why I make it a rule to never re-negotiate limits during a scene. It would be equivalent to asking someone to have sex while they’re drunk who had previously said no. Also it’s important to understand that because their pain tolerance is heightened, the Top should maintain awareness of how hard they go with play.

Now. What goes up, must come down.

Subdrop

Once the body has pushed these chemicals into your system, they must eventually regulate. When play is done the body stops releasing extra endorphins, etc and the body’s more regulated system kicks in. The immediate indication of this is typically a decrease in body temperature and a more trance-like state of mind. This is why you will see bottoms in aftercare wrapped in a blanket and looking disconnected. Drop is one reason that aftercare is so important. However, drop can happen hours or days after the scene has ended.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Dexx Interviews Rev Mel

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rev mel full

You’re known as the creator of TSR Network, which I believe stands for “Talking Sex Radio Network.” You’ve interviewed a lot of high profile people in the BDSM community. But today, you’re the one that’s getting interviewed. So you’ve been out of the state for a while. You were taking a break from some of the work that you’ve been doing with the insight series (a class taught at Los Angeles dungeon Lair de Sade)?

Thank you for interviewing me and yes I have interviewed some amazing people in BDSM like Jay Wiseman, Midori and Guy Baldwin. TSRnetwork was the first BDSM site on the net to focus on BDSM and education using radio and video as an education tool. We were before Fetlife and many other sites that are now out there.

Yes, I’m taking sometime off and will be traveling around the country. Have been visiting family and some wonderful friends that are into BDSM. Just taking time off of streaming live shows at the moment and just travel to all the places that I dreamed of going. Been teaching and producing live TV shows for such a long time that I need to take some time for myself.

Right, and how long have you been doing TSR Network for and what lead you to create that?

I’ve been broadcasting roughly over twelve years. I started doing a radio show called the Mel and Phil Show. It was at a time that was complicated to create. You had to record it, edit it, upload it, make an RSS feed and get it out there. It was very difficult to do and time consuming. These days it’s a little bit more simple.

Back then it was called Talking Sex Radio but I moved over to streaming live video and not doing a radio show so we the name to TSRnetwork,com. It was really important to get the message out about our live TV shows on TSR Network .

TSR was safe place for people to go and get information about BDSM because there’s a lot of misinformation out there. I believe in safe, sane, and consensual. In order to stay safe in BDSM you have to be educated. TSR is all about education and without education we would have nothing it would be chaos.

TSRNetwork is site that broadcast live talk shows that talks about education and safety and introduces you to some of the movers and shakers of the BDSM community mixed with a little humor. It’s a very interactive site with a chat-room and a blog with guest writers and such.

You mentioned that a large part of it is motivated by wanting to help educate people. I suppose there are probably quite a lot of people out there who do BDSM or other kinky things in private at home with a partner and never really feel like they need to come and attend classes or other social activities within the BDSM community. Do you think that’s OK or do you think those people should be looking to educate themselves a bit more?

I think that everyone that is interested in BDSM should educate themselves and I think there are many different avenues to do that. There’s so much information online. When I first started out quite some years ago you didn’t have all of the websites and all of the information that is out there now. In the past we had to form communities to meet in person and have a good knowledge base of this lifestyle.

Now with sites like FetLife, Collarspace and my site TSRnetwork.com as we were some of the first sites that a newbies first experience into BDSM and Kink. Basically TSRnetwork was the very first BDSM site dedicated to do live BDSM video TV shows to educate people about BDSM. TSR was a good start if you can not publicly go out into the real world and take classes or learn. I think it’s OK to get your education from the internet in the beginning. Everyone has to do what they feel is right for themselves. There’s no right or wrong in any of this. The only right thing to do is to educate yourself the best possible way for you.

Right , you said some people can’t attend public classes and are you meaning because they are not near to places where they have them or are you talking perhaps more about people who might feel that for whatever reason they cant be seen in public to attending that kind of class?

Well, I feel the reason that some people can’t attend a public class is because some are teachers, doctors or professionals. Some people have children and have to be careful that if they should get discovered then it could hurt them in someway or it could hurt their business. The reality is that BDSM it could hurt them with their employer if found out that they were into BDSM. So many of us can’t live this lifestyle in the open and so that’s one of the reasons why I created TSR Network. Another good reason is that there are some people that do not have munches or dungeons in their city and no BDSM community. In Los Angeles we are very fortunate to have so many different dungeons and places to go. We have munches every single day of the week. But, if you’re in a small peaceful little town and you don’t have a munch to go to or be around other like minded people that are into BDSM. Where are you going to find information on BDSM or Kink?

You’re going to have to search on the internet, order books, start relationships online. FetLife to me is an information site. Its not a dating site to me. It’s where you can get any sort of information that you could possibly want to know. And it’s very valuable as a community to make sure that there’s good information out there. Not only for the big cities but for the small cities that have limited access. It’s those precious people that I broadcast live TV shows for.

I had a young man who lived in Tennessee who watched every single one of my shows. He was never to a munch or dungeon. He was paraplegic and two years ago he died. It broke my heart because he was such a fan of the TSR Network and all of the shows that we were broadcasting live. We broadcast seven live shows a week at our old studio and he never missed a show. It’s people like him that I did this educational informative shows for. Myself and the other hosts truly believe that we are changing the world one vanilla at a time as education comes first.

Wow, that’s impressive.

We were his world in BDSM as he was a huge part of us and the other hosts. That’s why we did it because there are so many people that want to be involved and they cant because of their own private reasons. We have to respect that. A lot of people that go to dungeons and say we’re better than everyone else and we’re attending classes and we’re involved in a live community. I say don’t discredit people that are online. Everyone has to start somewhere. There are a lot of the people who still don’t go to dungeons or munches, but they will go off to a convention and will be able to experience things that they’ve never experienced before. There is nothing like going to a dungeon at a convention or looking at toys that you’ve only seen on a website. It’s pretty remarkable. We are a pretty remarkable community that welcomes all that think out of the box.

Do you think that it’s becoming more acceptable over time for people to be public about BDSM activities?

I think that BDSM is changing. But I think its been evolving, its evolving from the gay leather men who put a lot of our foundation down. Each time there’s a movie that comes out, it evolves a little bit more. We had The Story of O, 9 ½ Weeks, the Secretary and now Fifty Shades of Grey. So every time there’s a movie that’s out or a book, it really doesn’t change who we are but I think it changes the perspective of the outside world to us. We’re still taboo and a majority of the women that have read Fifty Shades of Gray really don’t want to know about the real lifestyle of BDSM. I have approached a few of them and say look I teach classes why don’t you come to one of my classes? They get fear in their eyes and say “Oh no, that’s weird I cant do that.” They read the books but they don’t want to make the effort to experience what its truly like. So I don’t think it has changed us as we are still taboo, we are still private and we still protect our citizens in our community. We have to. And I don’t know in my lifetime if I’m going to see mainstream really accept all of this. We’re paving the way definitely just like the gay leather men. We’re more open, we’re more out there as fashion has dictated to us on what we should and should not wear. But as far ever being acceptable it could happen but we still have to make sure it’s all consensual or else we would have chaos. What we do on the outside world matters and how act and how we show respect. Until the rest of the world catches up to us we still have to live in the vanilla world and at time hide who we are. One can only hope that that will change and if it does not it will not affect us at this moment.

You run the Insight classes at the Lair de Sade? For some people this class would be the first contact that they have with the BDSM community. So do you feel some responsibility to help guide them into the community in a positive way?

I’ve taught the Insight class at the Lair de Sade for over twelve years. I want to teach them about safety, respect, and honor, that this is not a free for all, that there is responsibility that we take when we enter into this lifestyle. There’s so much responsibility. At the Lair de Sade, my class is called S&M Open Forum. I’ve probably taught around 8,000+ people over the years and teaching that class has taught me so much about compassion and love and caring. It’s taught me more than what I’ve taught some of the students.

Could you tell me more about BDSM Pride day? I saw that mentioned on one of your websites.

It’s a day to celebrate BDSM and Kink and to show support to each other in our life choice. We did a live seven hour BDSM pride day marathon broadcast twice. We had thousands of people watching it live as we did the TSR Peoples Choice Awards and celebrated BDSM Pride Day. The BDSM community across the world voted for who would receive an award and had thousands of people submit their favorite people for an award. Over the years TSR Network has had over four million people watch our live shows and come into the chat-room and interact with our guests. Millions have watched the archives that are located on the archive page. When we re-launched TSR after taking a short leave we had over 250,000 watched the live shows over the last year. We as a community have to take pride in who we are and support each other and help to bring a better view of BDSM. Yes we’re taboo and we’re in hiding but there’s no reason why we can’t celebrate who we are. BDSM Pride Day belongs to the community and we hope that in the future that people will start having live dungeon parties to celebrate it and be proud of our lifestyle.

It sounds like you’ve traveled quite extensively around the country teaching, so you must have seen a whole variety of different local scenes and dungeons and clubs around the country. Are there any that are particularly memorable? Are there differences between the scene in different cities that you’ve noticed?

I think we’re all basically the same because we all have one thing in common and that’s BDSM. The community, we have in Los Angeles is an awesome community, its so unique. We are lucky to have so many dungeons and munches and to be so open. But with that also comes a tremendous amount of drama and egos. I’ve found that even in smaller communities have some of the same problems as what we do in LA. And I would love to be able to find some way to eliminate the ego part of who we are in the community but like all communities you will have this problem. Just because I’m a Dominant, Host of my own show creator, founder of TSRnetwork and an educator it does not make me any better than a submissive or a slave or a new person that has entered into this lifestyle. We are all equal in my book. Having a big ego doesn’t do anything for me and I value each kinky person that comes in my life. I live my life with kindness and compassion but carry a heavy flogger, (laughs) always have to have a sense of humor.

Getting back to the question-I specifically really enjoyed the Detroit community. They have an awesome community. I was at Kinkdom a couple years ago and loved the dungeon and people that I met. I was just in Detroit and the local BDSM community reached out to me and were very kind and they went out of their way to take me to a munch and it was a wonderful experience. Phoenix, Arizona has an awesome community too and so does San Francisco. We have good parts of community and bad parts. It doesn’t matter what city you’re in its all pretty much the same as we get to enjoy our kink and our like minded old and new friends. I am grateful for all the people I have meet on my path of BDSM and the respect they have given me. We have some amazing wonderful people in BDSM and Kink.

Are there any states where you think it’s more difficult to be in the BDSM scene because of local culture or government regulations?

Well, here in Los Angles we’re pretty much free to do what we want to do but in small little towns, the local government looks down at anyone who thinks out of the box. I’m not fearful here of anyone coming down on our community, I’m more fearful of smaller towns, because I’ve seen some judgment from communities that look down on people in BDSM. I don’t think we’re going to have problems with the government as the government has bigger problems then who is getting spanked behind closed doors. Are we on their radar? Sometimes we might be on their radar. Especially when they’re gong after human trafficking the government will check out BDSM dating sites and see what we mean by what we call slaves. They’ll go into some of the websites and have conversations with certain people and some people will fall for it and it really had nothing to do with our lifestyle. You’ve just got to be smart and remember it’s all consensual.

It seems in LA in particular, many of the local community leaders are doing a pretty good job of outreach to local government and police agencies to help educate them on what it is we do so they don’t assume the worst. Do you agree that its generally been well done in LA and do you see that elsewhere?

Well in LA , the community reaches out to the local law enforcement and they’re also reaching out to doctors and therapists. Because when someone comes in with bruises all over their body, the first thing they do at the hospital is report it as abuse. What we do is not abuse. We never lift our hand when we’re angry. We never do anything out of abuse, everything is consensual. That’s if you’re healthy and you’re not a predator. We have predators both the vanilla and in BDSM world. Predators come to our community because there are so many that are looking for something outside of themselves and they try to find it inside of someone else. BDSM is not going to fix you if there’s something wrong with you. When you come into BDSM, into this lifestyle, you need to come in healthy, you need to realize you have a voice and no means NO. Always keep your voice. You need to protect yourself, keep things private until you get to know someone. My advice to new people when they’re getting into the community-take a year, don’t do play dates. Get to know us, let us get to know you. Feel us out. Ask us questions, find a mentor. Find a mentor that is there for mentoring the best way with you, not because they want to add you to their family or get something of you. Think before you do anything and educate yourself and don’t let anyone take your voice away. Be aware and take care of yourself first.

What’s the best way to find a mentor?

The best way is to get involved in the local community, to ask a lot a questions, to ask other people-would this person be a good mentor and not just the friends of this person because there any different points of views. A lot of us are well known people, it doesn’t make us good mentors. Some if us are even predators. Just because we’re well known does not really tell the whole picture of who we are. Its pretty amazing, we do a lot of protection of well known predators because they are celebrities in our community, they’re very protected by their fans and they cause a tremendous amount of chaos. When you have been in the lifestyle as long as I have been you know where all the bodies have been buried. It’s like any community, even a vanilla community. But most people are not willing to call out the predators because if they do they will be attacked and that’s really shameful. Every year someone writes a post and we talk about it but its really hard to get our community to participate in actively weeding out the predators. If someone comes to me and ask me about someone I will tell them the truth and some won’t listen so they have to make their own mistakes. That’s just how life is some have to learn the hard way and that’s OK in my books as you have to learn valuable lessons on this life journey. I have made many mistakes in my life and I own it and it’s the mistakes that have taught me the hardest lessons.

Changing topic a little bit, so you’re an ordained minister? Could you tell me more about that?

Yes, and I started the Church of Perversion and Debauchery which is now known as The Sacred Realm. I perform marriages and I perform collaring ceremonies and I also counsel and meet with people, especially if they have any problems in their relationships or understanding why they’re into this lifestyle.

I joke around that if you believe in God or whatever people believe in-if you believe in some sort of higher power that having sex is not bad for us. I don’t think religion should look down on us for what we do. We’re given certain things like compassion, love, and chemistry and sensual feelings for a reason. It’s to teach us and educate us on how to be human and how to love.

Many come to me and I’m there to listen and to help as but as I can. I never judge anyone and try to be there out of love and respect.

I know that there are a lot of kinky people that are also a part of mainstream religion like Christianity and I know that sometimes they feel a little bit torn about that but do you think that BDSM can be compatible with Christianity? In terms of the values and teachings do you think somebody can legitimately be into both?

I don’t think that religion should have any bearing on BDSM. Being sexual is a part of the human factor of who we are. If God or what ever you believe religion to be did not make spanking or the sexual act so exciting then why was it created. Being religious has nothing to do with BDSM as religion is just a small part of who we are. Take a submissive for instances, something happens to submissives when they go into headspace. It’s a part of who we are.

BDSM, sadistic and masochist have been since the beginning of time, its nothing new. We just put a name on it. Pleasure is something that we need as humans and in BDSM we just connect to a different kind of pleasure. Where does one go in sub or Dom space, its a special place for many of us like leaving the body and being God. They go into this utopia, this euphoria, this other place. It’s a lot like meditating or praying. It doesn’t matter how you get to that place its about how your feeling when you get there. If you get it by submitting to somebody and submitting with them and having their love. I don’t think that religion should tell us not to enjoy what we do in BDSM because it teaches us the same foundation; love, honor, respect, and compassion.

If we are a Christian, Jew or any other type of religion belief is not only who you are. If you’re a parent that’s not all you are. If you’re an educator that’s not all you are. BDSM is just a part of the whole pie of who we are. We are more than just one thing as we take this role in BDSM. I’m a woman, teacher, mother and so much more as religion is just a part of me and we all need not to be on the same page as someone else as I’m only responsible for my actions in life. But there is no need to live in a life of shame because I’m into spanking a few bottoms of a willing soul.

Do you have any advice for somebody who’s new to kink that perhaps wants to get more involved, where’s a good place to start?

If you’re new into BDSM go on the internet, start educating yourself, start reading as much as you can. Go to your local munches. Go to conventions. Develop friendships. Talk to people about what other munches to go to. If you can go to a class, take a class. Take a class that can build that foundation first, like an open form S&M 101 class where you can learn about negotiations and etiquette, where you can learn that honesty and integrity has so much to do with BDSM then just spanking someone or flogging them. Ask a lot of questions and keep asking as education comes first. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about being in BDSM. Please remember there is not a street in the United States where someone is being tied to a bed blindfolded or spanked. We’re really not that much different than the vanilla world. Most of all take your time and keep your eyes open and if it does not feel right then it’s not right. Go with your gut feeling as it will keep you safe and get to know your new friends and make sure they are who they say they are. Take care of yourself first and forgive yourself when you make mistakes as we all have made lots of mistakes.

And last but not least, how did you get into BDSM?

I met a young man on AOL and he brought me into the lifestyle and into a chat room and I got to meet a whole bunch of people in this lifestyle in this chat room. I started off as a submissive and I was very very bad at it. I wasn’t well suited for it. I had a very wise Dom who I dated, and I asked him “how come you never played with me?” He said, “You’re not a submissive.” I said, “Well am I a slave.” He says, “No.” And I go, “Well what am I?” He says, “You’re a princess.” (Laughs) I’m thinking princesses? There are no princesses in BDSM! I’ve come to find out that there are. But he said I should try my hand at being dominant. And he was right.

You know Dominant doesn’t mean that you’re always dominant 24 hours a day. You’ve got to find that gentle part of who you are. I’m a kind person, but I’m very sadistic also. And I like tears as it’s kind of a turn on for me.

BDSM has changed me and it has made me a better person. And if it can make me a better person, imagine what it can do to the rest of the people who are just entering into BDSM.

It’s an amazing journey. It will take the layers off of who you think you are and it will create a different reality. I was a willing victim when I came into this lifestyle. I’m no longer a victim. I have grown into a strong woman that has learned to use her voice and I have found so much joy in education new people that walk into this exciting world of BDSM. You never know what life will being when you show up and thank out of the box, I have not regrets in life and very happy about where I’m at in my thoughts about BDSM. I have found me on this amazing journey of self discovery. BDSM has brought me so much joy and some of the hardest lessons that one can learned as it has taught me to stay in the moment of life and think about the past or where my future will take me. I would not be the kind or compassionate woman that I am today if it was not for BDSM and the amazing people I have met along the way. It has taught me to be real and to push ego aside and feel again. I walk in peace, love, joy and BDSM. I’m so very grateful…..

Kinksgiving, share the kinky love

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kinky turkey
A trussed up turkey. Photo and “rope” by Rope_Daddy

I remember when I first started my journey in the kink community. After years of just playing in private in relationships, and feeling embarrassed and awkward talking about my BDSM interests, I finally came to my first munch, then another, then a play party. I felt overjoyed that I was speaking with people that shared many of these same interests and desires about bondage, and power exchange, and SM. And they were talking openly about it, and no one was embarrassed!

I had found my people, my tribe, if you will. People who got me. I didn’t have to feel weird any more. OK, I’m still weird. But I found other people who were just as weird, which helped me to feel accepted, and validated, and much more confident to embrace my kinky side instead of feeling ashamed about it.

It took me a while to get here, but now that I’m part of the community it’s wonderful – and the people are what make it. Curious, interesting, funny, intelligent, friendly, welcoming, open, honest, caring. These words describe most of the people that I have met at events in the kinky world – be they from America, Canada, Greece, Australia, New Zealand or England (I’m sure there are nice kinky people from other countries too – I just haven’t met them yet).

With every person who takes that scary first step and comes to their first munch, or confides in a kinky friend that they too might be interested in trying it out, we get a little closer to a world where everyone feels less shamed, and more accepted for their sexuality and kinky interests.

This week is Thanksgiving in America, a time where we reflect on what we are grateful for. But wherever you are in the world, I encourage you to think about your journey into kink and self-acceptance.

Reach out to someone you think might be able to use some encouragement – take them to a munch, or suggest you watch The Secretary together, or tell them about Kink Weekly. Or just open up and tell them a bit about yourself. You might just find that they open up right back. Make it a week of Kinksgiving!

Writer, photographer, hedonist, Dom. After years of at-home BDSM, Dexx finally embraced the kink community and met many fantastic fellow kinksters in the scene. Along the way, it occurred to him that it would be just super if there was a magazine-style web site which catered to people interested in BDSM, and he recruited some of his friends to help create it. Find him here.

How To Connect With A Submissive On FetLife

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school girl

One of the most common questions we get from readers is how to meet fellow like-minded kinky people for play or dating. There are a lot of different answers to this, but in this article I want to cover Fetlife as a way to meet people. This builds on Jenn Masri’s earlier article about >FetLife Etiquette.

While FetLife is intended to be a social network more than a dating or hook up site, people do of course message and meet each other on the site. As a submissive woman, I get a lot of messages from dominant men looking to connect. Based on comparing notes with other submissive women, this is not unusual. So if you want to meet people in this way, it pays to put some thought into how you go about it in order to stand out from the crowd in a positive way and maximize your chance of getting a reply.

There is a misconception that when corresponding online, normal rules, etiquette, and general politeness can be tossed out the window. For FetLife specifically, many assumptions are made due to someone listing themselves as a submissive, bottom, etc. I’m writing from the point of view of a female submissive, but this information can be utilized across all dynamics and orientations because my preferred method of communication is based on mutual respect.

Another point to note is that a lot of female submissives/bottoms receive many many messages, so it’s important to make your message comprehensive enough to garner a response but not to shock someone into ignoring you forever. I think there is a misconception that a crazy, off the wall message will at least get a reaction, but it will be the wrong kind. It’s also best to avoid overly complimentary messages. They show little substance and are also the most commonly received, poorly thought out type of message. Instead, focus on other information you can glean from the submissive’s profile that can indicate that you have actually read it (most people don’t, so this is an easy way to set yourself apart). Maybe they list an interest in pet play or mention they enjoy rope that you share a commonality with or desire to try. Focus on the non-superficial aspects and close with an open-ended question that requires something beyond a yes or no response. Finally, strive to never come across as needy, desperate, or angry. A good friend once told me, “He who loses his cool always loses.” You don’t want to be that weird guy typing angrily at his computer because someone didn’t respond or responded rudely to you.

Let’s start by looking at some examples of what NOT to say. The following are real examples of messages I have received on FetLife. I’ve “cleverly” covered the names and photos to protect the clueless.

1. Domly Dom

dominant

This is a common approach used in general – having a quippy subject line to get the receiver to open it, it’s a good tactic but not in this example. This person assumes too much. They believe their Domly Dom message will make me melt into a puddle. On the contrary, it did quite the opposite – this is a total turn off. Yes, I have been brought to my knees by a Dom but not by you, and you now will never have that opportunity.

Instead: This type of talk can be a real turn on but everything has to come in steps and with trust. Had he engaged me like a regular human being, then this type of talk would eventually not be too far off.

2. Boner Dom

Boner Dom

No, I’m not particularly interested. If you’re on FetLife for sex, that’s perfectly fine, but there is a proper way to go about meeting other like-minded people, such as respectfully stating your interests. Once again, this is a failure to approach a person as a regular person.

Instead: This falls in the similar vein as the Domly Dom message. A polite introduction followed by an outline of this person’s interests would have been a better approach and much less polarizing. Many people want to find someone right away without any effort, but in order to find quality people, you have to do the legwork.

3. Quick Escalation

I recently went out of town.. Prior to my trip, I was reaching out to some local kinksters and joining a few events via RSVP’s. I received this message out of that:

Quick Escalation

There are a few issues with this message. I kind of took a big risk even responding in the first place as this guy’s profile photo was a picture of his penis in comparison to an air freshener can. In my experience, people with these types of photos as their profile picture are typically on FetLife for hooks ups; you can read more about that in this FetLife Etiquette article. While he did admit that he was new-which would explain the direction the conversation went, to go straight to propositioning me for sex is extremely inappropriate. I had never given any indication that this would be something in which I’d be interested. The funniest part about this situation is while on my trip, I was talking with one of my friends and she specifically mentioned getting a weird message from a guy whose profile photo matched the exact description of this one; it was the same guy! Girls talk and if you give off a weird vibe, word travels fast.

Instead: He could have offered to meet in person or even speak to my Dominant first to see if there would be an interest for this type of play.

4. Blank Dom

no info

Now, there is nothing horrible about this message. However, at the time of writing, his profile was blank and he had no photo. I’ll give more appreciation to someone who has at the very least put forth effort to fill out a profile, even if it’s short. The blank profile photo is understandable as many folks cannot show their face, but put something there. It shows inexperience and laziness to not include an avatar.

Instead: At the very least, have a “filler photo.” I am not a fan of using photos that don’t belong to you, but take a photo of something and post it. Some people will post play toys that they own or lingerie in lieu of a face pic.

5. The Eager Beaver

Eager beaver

Take notice of the time mark between the two messages. This guy hit me up with the “hey beautiful lady” and barely twenty four hours passed before he fired back with this needy, desperate, and not funny response. Remember, tonality is lost in text and online communication, so while you think you may sound funny to yourself, the general “tone” will be lost on your receiver. I also hate to tell you all that his profile photo WAS HIS PENIS BEING COMPARED TO AN AIR FRESHENER CAN! I cannot make this up. I should start a collection of genitals in comparison to inanimate objects album. This just reinforces my theory that genital profile pictures usually belong to people who are creepy and weird.

Instead: I have nothing for this one other than don’t be desperate. Or, if you are in fact desperate then try not to come across that way. Politely pinging someone a second time if they don’t respond is perfectly fine – but give it a few days before circling back.

6. Mixed Messages

subby sexy

This message is nonsense. It comes from someone who must be inexperienced, but what does he want from me? He compliments me but then says he prefers to switch but then wants me to submit. I often get messages that say “Hey, you’re beautiful just stopping by to say hi.” This is a very low value message and is crafted in such a way as to not have much of an opening for the sender to be rejected. The sender believes that I’ll swoon over the compliments and respond. It also will usually garner no response from me.

Switching gears a bit, let’s move away from the negative and on to some constructive advice. Here are a few examples of great FetLife messaging techniques. These people deserve gold stars in the vast land of online correspondence.

1. Unique Approach

Good example

This was a well thought out message. I honestly had a blank profile at the time of this writing, but he took the time to craft a unique message to me that does not completely focus on my looks. I do have a small inkling that he does use this type of message often, but it was well written.

2. Short and Sweet

Good example 2

This one was short and to the point. It included a compliment and a specific “action” question regarding seeking partners.

3. Intrigued

Intrigueing I

Another well thought out, specific to the receiver message. He also tells me something about himself that is beyond the general and obvious.

I hope these examples help outline some best practices for strong, online correspondence. Let me know about your FetLife messenger stories-I love to hear about the good, the bad, and the ugly. And, if you have had success messaging people on Fet – share your secrets!

Stay tuned for a future article on how to approach a potential submissive/bottom in person!

Writer, model, babygirl, submissive. After trying vanilla relationships one time too many, anniebear finally realized her submissive desires and discovered the BDSM community. When not writing for Kink Weekly, she enjoys spankings and being tied with rope.

BDSM Dungeon Etiquette

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red leather

So you’re new and ready to go to your first play party? Or perhaps you’ve been going to play parties for a while and started letting basic etiquette slip? Oh yes, it’s usually the people who should know better that I see making faux pas! So let’s go over the most common play party do’s and don’ts.

CLEAN! This is in reference mostly to the equipment and furniture you are using for a scene. However, I also advise that you clean your toys. But hey, that’s on you and if we aren’t playing then you and your partner can cover that. Back to the furniture, though, you should clean it before you play as well as after you’re done. Some people may complain, “but I’m the first one to use it, so why clean it first?” While you may be the first one on it at that party – you have no idea what happened on it the night before or before the party started – especially if you are at a dungeon that offers pro sessions. It could have been used 30 minutes before the party doors opened. Plus, if you aren’t the first ones on it that means someone else (hopefully) cleaned it – but did they clean all the parts you will be using? Did they clean it correctly? Better to be safe than sorry.

SPACE! Giving those in a scene the space they need. Stand back, give them room. Do NOT get up close and personal. You are not involved in the scene and it is not ok to invite yourself! It doesn’t matter if they are doing something interesting that you don’t have a good view of. If you want to know more about it then wait for a better time later in the evening to approach them and ask. Also, if whips or floggers are being thrown, go around! Don’t complain if you get hit because you walked through someone’s scene.

SHHHHHHH! Be mindful of your voice and socializing. If you want to socialize there are areas in every club meant just for that. If you’re watching a scene but want to say something to your friend next to you – get in their ear and whisper. Keep the conversation to a minimum. If you are setting up for a scene or just finished – again – be mindful of your non-scene noise level. Keep your voice down as much as possible. Too much “non-scene” talking can really pull people out of their head space that are playing around you. On the other side of this issue you may be the one who is trying to do a scene and it’s other people being loud. Simply gesture to them to lower the volume in a respectful way. Most people get carried away and don’t realize their voices got louder. Typically a small reminder is enough. If that doesn’t work, well, keep reading.

EQUIPTMENT HOG! Hogging equipment can take two forms. Time and space. At some clubs you may have a time limit on your scene. In this case it won’t matter because you won’t have a choice but to give up your play space at the designated time. However, most clubs do not time scenes. Therefore, you should consider how many people are in attendance and how much of a demand there is for play stations. Be considerate. If it’s a busy party don’t play for hours. The other issue is space. I see it all too often – people wandering around (sometimes including me!) looking for an area to play and there are perfectly good spaces that are covered in the toys or bags of the people scening on the next station over. Not cool. First of all – if you have a million bags but have a specific scene planned, try to consolidate your toys before heading to the party. Beyond that – look for a place to put your bag/toys that is within your station. Don’t use a play table for storage. If you’re concerned about putting your things on the floor, bring a towel to throw down.

DON’T INTERRUPT! I don’t care if you get to a party and are really excited to see a friend of yours but they’re in a scene or you are leaving and really want to say bye to someone who is in a scene. Don’t interrupt if A, you haven’t been invited into the scene or B, there isn’t an urgent situation. That said, let’s look at these two exceptions. Being invited into a scene can take on two forms. One, all involved have consented to you joining the scene to bottom, top or assist in a positive way. Lovely, have fun. Two, the Top has requested for you to enter a scene because they need assistance in an urgent situation. Perhaps they have their bottom suspended and they need to come down faster than expected. The Top knows they have time to bring the bottom down safely, however, asks you to lift one leg (for example) to make it easier for them to loosen the rope. There could be a million similar situations, but you get the picture. In this situation you do ONLY what the Top has asked you to do. You are not automatically granted consent for anything else. I have seen this happen where the person is asked to assist to lift a bottom’s leg and decided that meant he could also let his fingers wander to her “naughty bits”. NO! NO! Only do what you are asked – nothing more. Moving on to the other exception – the urgent situation. This may be a thing like someone needs to move their car or risk getting towed or the club is closed/party is over and they need to wrap it up. Yes, these examples are situations where the person should have taken a few more steps in personal responsibility, however, that’s a different issue for another article! So you need to get their attention but they are mid-scene. Make eye contact with the Top and gesture to them that you need to tell them something. Most Tops will assume that if you are interrupting it must be important. Once you let them know what’s going on then assess what needs to happen. If the Top needs to walk away from their bottom then they need to put them in a safe position and make sure someone they trust stays with them. Another option is to have someone else handle the problem so they can stay with their partner. NEVER just leave a bottom unattended mid-scene!
Not interrupting also applies to when people are in aftercare! Aftercare is an extension of the scene. If it’s obvious that people are in aftercare – treat them as if they were still playing. If you aren’t sure, make eye contact with the Top, the person most “present”, or the person you know best, and ask if they are up for chatting.

GET HELP! So you follow all the rules, politely ask people to keep it down, etc. Great! What happens, however, when you need assistance? Here are a couple reasons this may happen. One, a bottom my call red and you don’t see the Top stopping or perhaps someone seems like they are in extreme distress to you. Especially if you’re newer to the scene and public play – you may be reading the scene wrong. This is a good time to express your concern to a DM (Dungeon Monitor). DMs have typically been trained to assess scenes and situations in the club. They are usually easily identified via an arm band, sash, or badge. Another time you should get a DM or the party host is when you are having a personal issue with someone. If you have politely asked someone to decrease their volume or give you more space and they repeatedly ignore your requests – ask for assistance. It’s not your job to personally take on someone being rude or unruly.

BONUS TIP! HYGIENE! Stinky is not sexy!! Come to the party clean, use deodorant, brush your teeth. This doesn’t mean swim in cologne! I, personally, always have a deodorant stick in my toy bag in case I need to re-apply post play.

Overall – be aware, be respectful and if you don’t know, ask. These tips will get you far and a more pleasant party experience for everyone!!

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Hard versus soft limits

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Fetish Hand cuffs, collar, whip dominatrix
It’s ok to have limits.

Limits are things that should be discussed during any negotiation. They can be due to medical issues or triggers, however, those are usually discussed separately. Personal limits typically refer to things that have to do with preference versus inability. A “don’t want” versus a “can’t”. Limits (just like most things in a negotiation) can apply to both the bottom and the Top. Both partners should cover limits for themselves when negotiating a scene.

There are two categories of personal limits, hard limits and soft limits. Hard limits are fairly easy to define. These are things that you will not do under any circumstance, at least for the scene that is being negotiated. These could be things that you won’t do at all, will do with some people but not with others, or it’s something you won’t do with a new play partner until you get to know them better. Hard limits can include extreme forms of play and what we think of as “typical” hard limits, which include things like illegal activity, but it can also include any type of play or activity that the person is not OK with. Sometimes somebody has a hard limit that their play partner is used to doing or that may be ok with most people, however, if it’s not okay with you don’t hesitate to tell the other person. You should never not mention a limit just because you think it’s silly or because you think it should be expected. Just because you think something is common or well liked by most people, for example hair pulling, this may be something that is a hard limit for you. Maybe it’s because you have extensions in your hair or maybe it’s because you have an emotional trigger connected to the activity. The reason doesn’t matter. The point is, if it’s not okay with you, your partner needs to know that and they need to understand that it’s a hard limit.

Soft limits usually fall under two different categories. They are things that someone has tried and they don’t necessarily enjoy it (or at least didn’t enjoy it with the person they experienced it with) but it wasn’t so bad that it’s a hard no – it’s more “I’m willing to try it again with you and/or I know I don’t really like it but if you like it I’m willing to endure it for you”. The other type of soft limit is something that has not been experienced before, but that the person is willing to try. Usually in this case the top will want to start slow or light and go from there. The last thing you want to do when introducing a new type of play or type of implement is to go too hard and give the person a bad first experience. You don’t want someone to not like an implement or type of play based on a bad first impression or fear.

Keep in mind if you’re new, when you have a list of hard limits and soft limits, these things can, and probably will, change over time. Hard limits can become soft limits, soft limits can become fetishes or turn ons, or things that you once enjoyed can become a limit for you. Just be prepared for the fact that these lists are not set in stone. As you experience more play and as you experience playing with different people, things will change over time and that’s perfectly OK. You may even play with someone one time and have a certain set of limits and by the time you play with them again those limits may have changed. So as a top it’s also important to remember that. Keep in mind it may have nothing to do with them being dishonest or keeping anything from you or be anything personal, it could just be that their experiences have changed.

Lastly, there is something you want to avoid, especially as a new s-type, when you first start playing. You may not know what your limits are and that’s perfectly OK. What’s not okay is to tell a Top that you have NO limits just because you don’t know what they are. Be very clear that your limits are uncertain because you haven’t had much experience, but give them a list of things you would like to try and just go very slowly. In the end it’s all about having fun, self-exploration, and growth.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Navigating the public BDSM scene

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chess game

So, you’ve discovered that you are kinky… Now what?

First of all let me congratulate you on taking a step into a much larger world of adventure and experience, good for you! It takes courage to recognize and embrace the fact you may have some interests which mainstream society frowns upon.

You are about to enter a world of pleasure and pain, dark desires and wicked dreams. Never again will plain old vanilla sex satisfy you and get you where you need to be. Like butterfly wings, once you have touched your kink, you are forever changed into something, someone else. This has been my experience.

It is my sincere hope that this small work may help others avoid the pitfalls and frustration that go along with inexperience by getting some insider information prior to heading for disaster. Join us down the rabbit hole and let’s see how deep it goes.

The answer to the question, “What now?” is likely to be as widely varied as the people who might be willing to actually step up and answer it for you. The plain truth is that your journey into and through the world of kink is going to be uniquely yours and yours alone; just as it has been for all of us and just as it should be.

You can keep your activities entirely private and never out yourself to anyone other than your partners, making the occasional trip to the local sex toy store and picking things up here and there, or surfing the net for bondage porn and emulating the things you see.

Or you can, as many do, choose to jump into the public BDSM scene, (i.e.: dungeon clubs, classes, socials, etc…). It’s entirely up to you and in any case is neither a good nor a bad thing per se’, it is simply your path.

Whatever your choice, it’s helpful to “know the ropes” as it were, particularly in the early stages of your experimentation. In the public scene you will encounter every kind of kinkster imaginable, and many behaviors that may be alien to you and your upbringing, depending on how open minded your household was.

One of the first things I learned was that there was a whole new world of terminology and jargon I was unfamiliar with. Soon thereafter I also learned that not everything means the exact same thing to everyone. People in our world are different from one another in just the same way people in the vanilla world are. Interpretation is a factor.

So what do you need to know in order to adjust and feel comfortable without stepping on any toes or committing any offenses?

Let’s begin by covering some common phrases and expressions you might hear when out at a dungeon club. These are basic definitions, keep in mind that many of these terms are flexible and may mean slightly different or deeper things to some.

Dominant: A term with multiple meanings and uses, but generally used to describe a person who takes the power in the relationship or exchange.

Submissive: Another multi-use term, used to identify the one who gives up the power in the relationship or exchange.

Consent: In the context of the BDSM world, consent is given by both parties to participate in a certain activity, or activities. This consent may be wide ranging or limited to specific things, depending on the relationship and experience of the participants. (Example; “you may flog me in our scene but I dislike needles”)
It is important to know that everything we do in the BDSM scene is done with full awareness and consent by all parties involved. If you do not have consent, it is considered abuse and you may find yourself in a heap of trouble real fast; even the kind of trouble that requires a lawyer to get out of. So make sure you have consent!

Scene: This word has two meanings in our world. The first is a general descriptor of the BDSM scene at large, i.e.: “The Scene”. The second is more specific to activities we participate in with a partner or partners. Example; “we had a really great rope scene tonight”.

D/s or M/s: These are used to describe power exchange relationships between the Dominant or Master/Mistress and the submissive or slave. The first letters are always capitalized to show respect for the authority that is consensually given.

Power exchange: The term used to describe when the submissive or slave consensually surrenders their life and or will to the Dominant or Master in the relationship. The terms of this surrender can vary in length of time; anything from one scene to a lifetime, and can also vary greatly on the depth of surrender depending on the parties in the relationship.

Protocol(s): Protocol is a term used to describe the behavior which a submissive or slave may be allowed to exhibit by the Dominant or Master. Also the behavior the Dominant engages in as a part of the scene or relationship. Protocols vary and evolve from one person to another, and one Dominant may have different protocols in place for different submissives in their service. They can also vary depending on the environment; public vs. private play. Protocols may involve restrictions on physical contact, eye contact, speaking out loud, clothing or any number of other things.

Top: A Top is the person in a BDSM play scene who is the one doing the things, whatever they may be, to the bottom. This can be anything from rope tying, to spanking or flogging or even interrogation. It’s important to know, however that this term is not necessarily synonymous with a Dom or a Master. Top is a more utilitarian term. While a Dominant is generally a Top in the scenes they play out, not all Tops are Dominants.

Bottom: Take the above description and simply reverse it.

Switch: Someone who performs and enjoys both Topping and bottoming, and may even transition in the course of one scene.

Sadist: Someone who takes pleasure and satisfaction in inflicting pain.

Masochist: One who gets pleasure and satisfaction from receiving pain.

Voyeur: One who takes pleasure from watching others engage in sex and BDSM play.

Safe Words: These are used by the bottom to inform the Top when they are reaching or have reached a pain threshold. Though safe words may vary, Yellow is commonly used to mean slow down or lighten up, and Red is used to say stop. Safe words should be established by new play couples during initial scene negotiation. If you establish definite safe words, it is your responsibility to use them as needed. If you agree that Red is your stop word and you say stop instead of Red, your top may not stop.

Negotiation: The process of agreeing on the terms of a scene, or relationship. For a scene, especially with new play partners, time should be taken to gather information about the likes and limits of all partners involved. It is advisable to know as much as you can about your play partner prior to beginning so as to avoid harmful or dangerous situations. This should include discussion about health issues as well. Things like STD’s, or psychological trauma need to be out in the open in advance of play time.

Sub-space: A state of mind wherein bottoms enter a trance-like state where their ability to think clearly can be compromised, and they may lose the ability to make safe decisions for themselves. This is an especially tricky situation for some and when deep sub-space is present the Top must maintain control and keep the best interest of the bottom as paramount.

Frenzy: A state of mind and body characterized by an obsessive desire to experience anything and everything as quickly as possible. This happens especially when the player is new on the scene.

Drop: (Specifically sub-drop) This refers to the depressive state which can follow periods of intense BDSM activity such as bondage, spanking, flogging, etc. Depression results from the brains withdrawal from neuro-transmitter chemicals and the after effects of shock. Drop can sometimes be triggered just by the psychological effects of sub-space. To some degree drop can also affect Tops, but is less common. Drop effects everyone differently, and some folks not at all.

This is by no means a complete list, but it should help with the more commonly heard expressions. Moving on…

By now you’ve probably noticed that some of these terms have something in common with the others. You may ask… “So does that mean that a Dominant is also a Sadist? Is a bottom a masochist? Is a switch both?” The answer to all of these is yes… but not always or not necessarily.

Remember that all of this stuff is really open to individual interpretation and can vary greatly from person to person. A lot of it has to do with personal awareness, comfort and identification.
I have played with submissive women who do not identify as masochists, and yet freely orgasm with gusto from having their genitals spanked hard, go figure!

Also everyone seems to have different limits within their own identification. What feels like a 10 on the spanking pain scale to one person, may only be a 2 to someone else. Me personally, I have no pain tolerance at all, absolutely zero. My 10 is pretty much a 1 to every bottom I know. But then I’m not a bottom so it never really becomes an issue. The great thing about the fetish community is that we are open to just about anyone and anything short of actual harm like child abuse and non-consensual impact. There is something for everyone.

The next thing you should know is that the BDSM lifestyle has more than one level of involvement. It represents different things to different people. The populous of our world runs the gamut; from those who live their lives in 24/7 power exchange relationships, to people, perhaps like yourself, who are brand new and only want to dip their toes in to see how the water feels. With the true lifestylers, you will likely encounter protocols and behaviors you are unfamiliar with; protocols involving physical contact, communication, physical position, eye contact and the like. While these may seem strange or even unfair to you, it is important to keep an open mind and remember that consent has been willingly given and accepted.

BDSM lifestylers take this very seriously because they recognize and embrace the deeper meaning under it all. This deeper meaning is not something everyone comes to see and understand, but it is there nonetheless. For those of us who are touched by this, the clubs become our second home, the people we meet with, our family. Often times we feel more like our true selves in this environment than we do anywhere else. And it’s no wonder. BDSM reaches a very primal and powerful instinct in us; we really get something valuable out of it.

Newbies often misunderstand the things they see out in the clubs because they are inexperienced in the power exchange dynamic, and unaware of the deeper connection we have with it. And veterans sometimes have little patience for those who are only temporarily hanging out because they thought some book they read about it was cool.

You can avoid conflict and confusion by observing a few simple guidelines when out at a club, particularly for the first time. Obviously rules can vary from one club to another, but there are some general philosophies which should serve you well regardless of where you are.

• Read and understand the rules of the club you are going to, if possible in advance of your arrival. Chances are when you enter the club, and pay your entrance fee you will have to sign a waiver of consent and liability for the club. This will explain what is disallowed and what is expected of you. First timers should read these carefully and adhere absolutely.
• Don’t become too intoxicated. Whether the club has a bar or is b.y.o.b. stay in control of yourself. In my experience most feel it is unwise to play under the influence, and drunken behavior may get you kicked out.
• For your first time out, you may just want to observe others playing to get a feeling for what goes on. You shouldn’t feel any pressure to perform just because you are there.
• Don’t act like you own the joint. Respect that this club may be home to more than a few people. Though it is technically a public setting it is still a private place. Behave accordingly.
• Cell phone use may be prohibited. Because of the nature of what we do in our clubs, many will ask you to keep them out of sight, turned off or even ask you to check them at the door. With the advent of smart phones and easy access to the internet, people can be quickly outed in a big way. We want to avoid this and so should you.
• Respect the Dungeon Monitor. Most clubs employ someone to keep an eye on the goings on at the club. They make sure play remains safe and consensual.
• Keep things quiet if you are watching others play. Interrupting someone else’s scene, whether intentionally or not, is considered rude. Don’t ask them questions or observe from anything less than a respectful distance. And if you and your friend simply must have that loud conversation right now, take it outside.
• It’s ok to stare, but try to avoid pointing obviously.
• Don’t judge what you don’t understand. Keep an open mind. But if you can’t do that, at least keep a closed mouth. We don’t care if you approve or not.
• Respect people’s personal space, be friendly, but be cool.

All of this stuff is based in common sense and courtesy, but it’s important to point it out because sometimes people don’t seem to think those things apply in the dungeon setting. I can assure you that they do.

I don’t mean to imply that you should not be yourself, and I’d never do so. But until you have gotten your feet wet and seen what really goes on, just be cool about it. You’ll be glad you did.

So now that you are armed with enough information to keep you from embarrassing yourself, how do you begin to enter the public scene? Perhaps you’re lucky enough to know someone already involved, or know of a club you can go to. Perhaps you’re already aware of the social networking sites used by kinksters around the world to connect and gather with each other.

But what if you’re like I was when I was new? What if this self-discovery finds you far removed from a large metropolitan area? Let me share some of my experience with you.

I first discovered my kink after two failed marriages in which the sex life had been a big part of the problem and ultimately the destruction (in part) of the relationships. I always gravitated towards the darker, edgier parts of life, art, porn etc… But even though I somehow knew something was missing, I never really knew what it was. After my second divorce I found myself alone, in my early forties and living in a very small city in the Pacific Northwest; disillusioned and dissatisfied.

I managed, however, to befriend two couples, much younger than I was, who introduced me to the fetish community there, such as it was. I can distinctly recall going to a club for the first time and seeing the artwork on the walls. Most of it was highly erotic rope and suspension art and I was fascinated by the seductive beauty of it all. Seeing the photos of these women bound, gagged and displayed in all manner of compromising positions turned me on like I never had been before.

That new year’s eve we took a road trip up to Vancouver B.C. to attend an event known as Sin City, a bi-weekly kink rave complete with full bars, open dungeon play areas, and half naked Canadians from 19 to 90. I was hooked immediately and spent the next couple of years trying to get my kink on with girls I’d meet here and there, but the scene in that town was practically nonexistent and I quickly became frustrated.

Eventually I found my way back home to Los Angeles, a veritable bee hive of kinky activity, and proceeded to jump in feet first. My first event was a munch, which is just a social dinner gathering in a public restaurant. We hold these as a way to meet new people in a no pressure situation.

I immediately met lots of people with varying degrees of experience in the life and was eager to get started acquiring my submissives right away.

But you know what? That first year, while often enjoyable and fulfilling, was also frustrating, embarrassing, and even heart breaking. I soon realized that I was floundering and on the verge of leaving the scene entirely. I was afraid that I wasn’t going to be able to cut it. See, despite the fact that I had known I was kinky and freaky in the bedroom for quite a while; I had no idea what it meant to actually live the lifestyle out loud. I had NO experience with true lifestylers who lived openly 24/7. I hadn’t the slightest idea what a protocol was, what the power exchange dynamic was about, none of the real deal. I was lost.

After a few failed attempts at D/s relationships, I found myself becoming shy and introverted and hesitant to even keep on trying for fear of more failure. Finally this led me to a surrender of truth; I needed help. I reached out to some of the men I had met in the scene, hoping for guidance, advice, and a Mentor.

Soon a man I knew through a friend suggested that I attend an MDHL meeting in Los Angeles. (MDHL is Male Dominant Heterosexual Leather) Like LGBT, (Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transsexual) this is a means of identification, but also a place to call home with those of your particular ilk. There I met my mentor and began my true excursion into the world of the BDSM lifestyle.

Since that time I have been growing in leaps and bounds in technique, experience and attitude and have found true inner happiness exploring and living out my Dominant nature.

Your early time in the BDSM scene can vary depending on your individual situation. Whether you be male or female, Dominant or submissive, or even if you are unsure of exactly where you fall in, can have an impact on your experience.

New submissives are by far in the most demand and get the most attention. While this fact can make finding play partners to have new experiences with much easier; it can also lead to a state we call “frenzy”. Frenzy can happen to sub and Dom alike and is characterized by an overwhelming obsession to experience everything and anything as quickly as possible. This state often leads people to make snap decisions based on too little information about the people and activity they are getting involved with. It can lead to burnout, disappointment and even harm if not kept in check. Trust me, I speak from personal experience in this matter.

My advice to new people is to take things slowly. Above everything else you must keep your mental, emotional and physical health as your first priority.

Seek out classes and seminars in your area. If you know what your identification is, reach out to others of your ilk who have more experience than you. Don’t allow yourself to get into dangerous situations with people you don’t know. Start off by playing publicly so you have others around who will also keep your safety in mind.

New Tops can face their own challenges, namely finding people to play with. The question becomes, how to gain experience when you have no experience? I have found that many experienced subs or bottoms are unwilling to play with a Top who doesn’t know what they are doing. So how do you become proficient enough to have confidence in what you are doing, and convey that confidence to them?

The internet is full of helpful videos about how to use flogs, paddles, canes etc… and instructional vids on rope bondage of all kinds. These are a good start but in my opinion nothing suffices for the personal instruction of an experienced player. Ask around, find classes or people who offer instruction in your areas of interest. Be patient, take the time to learn proper techniques, ask questions, you’ll be glad you did. The more humble and honest you are with people about where you’re at in your path, the more they will respect and be willing to help you.

Again I recommend seeking out people in your area who already have the experience you want, get to know them and learn from them. Mentors and friends are going to be your best bet in your early years in the scene. They have already experienced much if not all of what you are about to and can help you identify things like frenzy, drop and the like.

Some final thoughts… On consent, while it is true that our activities are generally based on mutual consent and gratification of pleasure, it’s important to note something. We are people who love to push the envelope of what’s acceptable. Dominants are people who love to take what they want and submissives are people who love to please. What this sometimes means is that even though a negotiation may have established some parameters based on consent and limits, at times these may be pushed. Those limits may be tested and broken through. In the heat of passion boundaries may be blown away in favor of testing new ground. This kind of thing can and does happen, though for new people, again I caution some restraint and slowness of pace. You have to learn what the rules are before you can break them.

On use of safe words during play; the reliance on safe words may be compromised under the influence of sub space. The Top or Dominant is also responsible to feel the bottoms energy, check in with them from time to time to make sure they are doing alright. The nature of a submissive is to please, sometimes even at the cost of their own comfort and safety. As Tops/Doms, we must also take responsibility to provide for their safety.

And finally, above all else, remember to have fun. Lest my cautions give you the wrong impression, I want to emphasize this one fact; we do this stuff because we enjoy it! So get out there and get to it!!

We’d love to hear about your first experience going to a public play party! Share in the comments section below.

Frederick M. is 24/7 MDHL; Male Dominant Heterosexual Leather and proudly mentored by a member of the Monarchs. He currently resides in Los Angeles practicing polyamory with his two lovely submissives.

BDSM Head space

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headspace

Having a hard time getting into altered head spaces during play?

This article is not for anyone in the community who is happy and healthy with a Labelcentric BDSM Lifestyle, which I respect and support. This article is primarily for those who have never reached an altered head space during play.

Hard time getting into head space?

We hear things around the munches and dungeons all the time, like “submission is a gift, tops don’t bottom, otherwise they would be switches or aren’t true tops, if you don’t figure out your role, no one will want to play with you, and I’m a bottom, so topping is not something I ever want to do,” but do we ever think how these statements truly affect our BDSM experience?

This article is meant to help people understand one of the most challenging obstacles for reaching an altered head space I’ve come across so far.

If you are experiencing trouble with head space, you will likely experience kink like never before if you incorporate some of the following concepts into your life. The primary obstacle to overcome is allowing your heart, genitalia and mind to accept that during play, those people who take on the role of top and dominant are simply “givers” and bottoms and submissives are simply “receivers”. (If you accept this, you can use your name as the label for all other things kinky about yourself.)

Give and receive what?
The giver gives touch, attention, effort, thought, awareness, technique, toys, and experience to name a few – the receiver receives all of what the giver gives as she goes to an altered head space, of which she enjoys on multiple levels, usually feeling healed, recharged and refreshed afterwards. Once a receiver accepts this, her play will do more for her and the giver than she could ever imagine.

Receiver Troubleshooting
Simply put, receivers cannot get into headspace without gratitude and humility in their heart.

If the receiver believes her act of standing there and reacting to impact play is truly a gift to the giver, she will never have the requisite amount of humility or gratitude to get into an altered head space. The more superficially attractive she may be, the harder humility and gratitude will come for her.

When one sees themselves as a gift to another person or otherwise does not humble themselves and feel gratitude for the moment and efforts, they are not opening up their energy, but creating a black hole for which energy is trapped and consumed at the detriment of the giver.

To have gratitude and humility flowing strongly and with determination through your heart is one way to walk the path to becoming more vulnerable and open with a giver. I cannot think of a powerful and meaningful way to open one’s self up to another human being during SM play. If you are having a hard time with gratitude and humility, think about this: Most receivers just want to receive and strongly dislike giving of themselves to the giver in the way givers give. Receivers should be humbled by the fact givers are willing to give to receivers what receivers are not willing to give to givers.

Giver Troubleshooting
When it takes two for SM Magic, there’s a 50% chance you’re not the reason you have a problem with head space.

The Giver’s Ego: Since trust is an important component for getting into an altered head space, givers must tame their ego and be equally grateful and humble towards receivers as a show of strength and control. Givers who haven’t tamed their own ego cannot tame the receiver’s ego enough for her to let go during play. Cocky people are sexy, but not always easy to trust. If you’re a giver, arrogance is a valuable tool to keep women prone to dungeon love at a safe distance.

This is why highly skilled and talented givers with out of control egos are seen as tragic by so many receivers – the giver has everything going for him in the world of impact play, yet nothing to offer the receiver energetically. Givers who continue to give to receivers without getting gratitude back from the receiver eventually suffer spiritual decay and become bitter negative souls unless their reason for giving is purely selfless. This means that most givers thrive on gratitude and find inspiration in a receiver’s humility that gives the giver energy and will to take the receiver to new heights in head space.

Subspace vs. Head Space

If you’re having trouble with reaching different mental states during play, try not calling it “subspace”. The gift and miracle of head spaces has been buried by the term “subspace”. There are so many different kinds of mental states one can reach during play, both giver and receiver, that to call it subspace would be an oversimplification if it were not for the fact the term itself is defective – you don’t have to be a label, in this case “sub”, or be dominant or submissive, to enjoy an altered space brought about with sensations to the body and interaction with the mind.

Conclusion

This may not make sense initially, but if you practice accepting the concepts above and getting your soul closer to a more grateful and humble soul, you will soon have an ah-ha moment right before the most powerful orgasm of your life. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable and open because it’s during those times when you are at your strongest and can grow the most.

Both the giver and receiver need to practice gratitude and humility for SM Magic to happen. One might have a great endorphin rush initially when the ego is present in a scene, but eventually they will find themselves not playing as much once the soul figures out it’s not getting nourished, but fed upon in a destructive way, or at least seems destructive to me since I’ve experienced both sides.

Since his introduction into the BDSM lifestyle in the early 90s, the “Kinkstar” Simon Blaise has shared his passion for BDSM with the world as an international presenter at BDSM/Leather events across the globe for the last 8 years. As an attorney, he has provided probono legal services to members of the BDSM, Leather and LGBT communities for the last 10 years. As a transgender person who lives equally as both a male and a female, he hopes to pave the way for others in our community to feel more comfortable about living authentically and openly. You can learn more about him here.

Wax Play for Beginners

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wax play
Photo by Vice Erotica

We have covered some of the BDSM basics in our first few Kink Weekly articles. Now, let’s give you an edge play activity that is both exciting yet easy to do right “out of the box.”

One of the easiest to learn and have fun with is wax play – but only as long as you follow some of the basic rules I will outline below.

Simply put, wax play is the act of the Dominant pouring hot, melted wax onto the body of the submissive. This is a very popular BDSM activity because hot wax on the body can cause incredible sensations.

Compared to other edge play activities — knife play, fire play, breath control, needle play, gun play, temporary piercings, surface burns/temporary brandings, golden showers, fantasy rape and abduction, burial scenes, mummification and electrical play (most of which we will cover in future issues of Kink Weekly) – wax play would appear to be quite safe. Wrong.

Wax play, done improperly, can be quite dangerous. First of all, hot wax is – duh – hot. Too hot and it can hurt, scald or even blister the submissive. And although it is safe if you follow these precautions, I would still recommend you attend a Wax Play class at any of the local dungeons.

All candles do not burn at the same temperature. The temperature is determined by the kind of wax that you use. Never use beeswax; it gets very hot and can cause serious injuries. The most expensive candles — with their hardening agents, perfumes and other chemical additives — are often the ones that burn the hottest. So, start with cheap, paraffin based white candles. This is one of the few areas in life where cheaper is better.

Before dripping hot wax on a submissive, first perform a heat check. Hold the candle a couple of feet above the back of your hand and drip it there. If it does not burn you, then it is a go. If it does burn, experiment to find a safe dripping height. And keep this “safe height” firmly in mind during the session.

Start by dripping wax from a little above this “safe height.” You can gradually lower it, but never go below this “safe height.” If you wish to go lower, test it on yourself again. When dripping wax on sensitive areas (such as the breasts, nipples, clit, labia, penis, scrotum, rectum, etc) always err on the side of safety and drip from a greater height than usual.

Also, watch out for “pooling.” There are spots on the body which are natural depressions where the wax can “pool,” thus increasing the heat factor. This can lead to blistering.

Finally, keep a bucket of water handy. I have heard tales of a candle being dropped and the sheet set on fire. Fire is fire. Treat it as such.

If you take these precautions, wax play can be one of the safest forms of edge play.

Now for some extra fun! Peeling the wax off the skin can create a variety of intense sensations; peeling faster or slower, stopping and starting – peeling wax as a BDSM art form with the submissive as the canvas! Also, running a feather, fur glove or even a tongue over the peeled area can be a sexy way to prolong the waxing session. (However wax on hair can be a real pain to remove – be forewarned.) Also, use a throwaway sheet or drop cloth. Wax is really impossible to remove, despite what the late night TV hucksters claim for their super-duper amazo cleaning products!

FetLife Etiquette

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man in suit

FetLife is meant to be the kink lifestyle version of Facebook. Many people assume it’s more like a dating site. However that was not the original purpose, which is why you can’t search for specific types. Just like anything online, FetLife is prone to trolling and people basically acting in a way they wouldn’t if they were standing in front of you. In this article I want to speak to four issues that I see on FetLife. I am positive that this article will not cover EVERY issue, however, I will cover the top four that stick out to me. Unfortunately the people that probably need to read this article are the ones that won’t, however, I’m hopeful that perhaps a few of them will happen upon these words.

The first issue is a pretty simple one: NOT READING PROFILES. Rather than sending someone a message based on their profile picture or just the fact that you know by looking at the top of their page they are the “role” that you’re looking for (aka sub, Dom, etc) look at those things as your first filter, but then keep reading. There’s a lot of important information you can find in somebody’s profile page – the first one being whether or not they have any protocol to follow or for you to follow in order to contact them. If they have someone that they are connected to – whether that person is someone they are in a D/s relationship with or someone that is protecting them – they may have certain rules about contacting other people. So if you don’t do that, you may not hear back from them. Whether or not you think you should have to contact somebody else first is beside the point.

You can also learn a lot from what they say in their “About Me” section. Perhaps the two of you have common interests, in or out of the kink scene that you can connect with them on, or it can give you some extra insight into the type of person they are. Their list of fetishes might tell you some things they may or may not enjoy, but don’t assume they’ll enjoy all of those things with YOU! You may find some common interest there as well but I don’t recommend starting with that. If you were trying to pick up on someone at, say, a vanilla event you wouldn’t start out by asking them their favorite sex position. Same thing here, you’re getting to know somebody – get to know them as a human being first. Look at the groups they are involved in – that may also give you some insight. Take a look if they have friends writing on their wall or how much activity they have had recently. This can tell you how active they are. Check out some of their writings if they have any. If they have many writings, maybe just check out the most recent ones. Again, this lends more insight into who they are and what they are about and may give you some additional information to reference when you start to message them.

I’m going to extend this etiquette rule to not only individuals but also events. Most event coordinators are perfectly happy to provide information about their event if you’re confused about something or not sure about something – they’re usually more than happy to help. However, please read the entire event page first and if there are links back to a group page that hosts the event, take a look there as well. If you have additional questions once you’ve done that then that’s the time to contact the host. People who create events put time and effort into managing those groups and event pages so that most of the information is there.

This moves me right into the second issue, which is the CUT AND PASTE MESSAGE. Don’t do that! While you might get away with this sometimes, you need to understand that many times (perhaps when you don’t get a reply and can’t fathom why) it’s because the person on the other end can tell that there is nothing personal about your message. This brings me back to why the first issue is so important. Also, if you’re messaging the same cut and paste message to multiple people – and especially when you have found those people through the friends list of the same people – those people do talk! I hear female s-types talking to one another all the time, comparing the messages they receive. So, once again, refer to issue number one -read the profile of the person you want to message and write the message accordingly.

Issue number three: FORCING A DYNAMIC. This applies to online and in person. Just because someone identifies as a babygirl, doesn’t mean you get to start referring to yourself as “Daddy”. Just because someone identifies as a Domme, doesn’t mean you should start calling them Mistress. Just because someone’s fetish list includes “dirty talk” or ” humiliation, doesn’t mean you start your message with, “How are you my dirty slut?” NO! Again, how they identify or what’s on their fetish list has NOTHING to do with you yet. Approach with respect and treat them like any other human being until (or if) the relationship progresses.

The final issue I am going to speak to is a bit more controversial; the issue of GENITALIA AS PROFILE PICS. I will give you my opinion here. If you have your genitalia as your profile pic I will make some initial assumptions. Keep in mind, just like meeting someone for the first time in person – your profile picture is your first impression. I will assume that you are only on Fet for sexual reasons and/or that is all you have to offer. I personally, don’t want to see it. If I look at your picture gallery and find pics of your junk (any gender) – well that’s on me. Still not my favorite, but much better than getting greeted with your erection or close up of your cervix every time you send me a message or pop up on my feed. On an even more personal level – as a female s-type if you are a male D-type that I may be interested in, I will be turned off by ANY pics of your package. To me personally it detracts from your confidence as a Dominant.

Now, having said all that, if you really are on Fet for mostly sexual adventures and want to attract others with the same goal, then let your privates march out in front for all to see! I am not going to not be your friend and I won’t think less of you. However, if that’s the first impression you choose, please understand when I don’t feel as badly when you are complaining about all the “unsolicited”, “aggressive”, or “creepy” messages you get.

I understand I may get some arguments over that last issue. Again, this is all my opinion. And it’s my article. So there. 😉
Feel free to add any additional FetLife etiquette issues that you have come across in the comments section below!


Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. We are delighted to have her as a columnist for Kink Weekly, offering particular insight into some of the common challenges that kinky people face in their relationships and journey in the lifestyle.