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BDSM Aftercare

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medical

What is aftercare? What does it entail? Why do people need/want it?

Aftercare, in its simplest definition, is something that takes place in the time following a scene. In my opinion, it’s best to think of aftercare as a part of a scene – the last chapter of the story, so to speak.

First, let’s talk about what aftercare may look like. It is different for different people. In general you will tend to see the bottom covered or wrapped in some kind of blanket if available, drinking water, perhaps laying with or next to the Top. They may have their head on the Top’s lap – either laying on a seat or bench next to them or sitting at the Top’s feet. Once they’ve rested for a bit they may look to eat some food and talk quietly about the scene or just about how both parties are feeling.

So what are some variations to this? Some bottoms have very specific aftercare requests. My advice to those with certain needs that aren’t guaranteed is to have those things on hand. If you always love to eat a cookie after play, bring a cookie. If you like a specific blanket, bring it. Don’t rely on your Top or the club to have these things on hand. There may be plenty of snacks out before you start your scene and by the time you’re done it’s all been eaten. Another idea (and great for fulfilling any “service” needs/fetishes you have) is to pack up a little picnic with water and snacks for both you and your Top. It is a very nice thing to do – especially if you know you will have a more intense scene.

Some bottoms or Tops need the opposite of the “norm”. They may need to be left alone for a certain amount of time. Perhaps they don’t like to be touched right after play for a while. They may not want to talk. There are some Tops that don’t enjoy giving aftercare, or whose aftercare requirements include activities that remove them from the bottom. Maybe they like to go straight outside to cool off and have a smoke.

Tops that don’t enjoy or don’t offer aftercare, for whatever reason, should discuss this during negotiation and offer other support or recommend that the bottom has another person for support or aftercare after the scene. Never leave a bottom hanging after a scene is over! Even if the bottom wants to not be touched or spoken to – still make sure you have an eye on them.
Also, leave enough time – don’t fill your dance card with scenes and no time in between for aftercare. Like I said, aftercare should be negotiated as a part of the scene. I recommend having no more than 1-2 “planned” scenes in one evening. If more happen and it’s all good – great. However, this allows for time in case something goes wrong, a bottom needs more time in aftercare, a trigger comes up, etc. You never want someone to feel bad or guilty because you make them feel rushed or that giving them aftercare is an inconvenience.

Having said that, just as some Tops don’t enjoy aftercare, there are bottoms that don’t need or want it either. If a bottom says they typically don’t need aftercare that’s ok. However, I still advise leaving enough time for it. The bottom may experience something in the scene that causes them to desire aftercare or perhaps they reach subspace (or a different level of subspace) and they want some aftercare. Again, better to make the time and not need it than to need it and not have the time.

So now the question is why? Why do people (for the most part) seek out aftercare? To me the reasons why fall under one or more of three categories – the 3 “R’s” – Reconnection, Reflection/debriefing, and/or Recouperation.

Reconnection. Most scenes include one or more of the following – role play/various headspaces, humiliation and/or degredation, and/or pain. Aftercare provides a time for both parties to connect with one another in a positive way – whether it’s a play partner who is an aquantance, friend or romantic partner. It reinforces the respect, friendship and/or love they have for one another.

Reflection/debriefing. This can be a time to talk a little about the scene itself. The good stuff as well as anything that may have triggered either party. Discussion over what worked or didn’t. Making sure that everyone is ok emotionally and psychologically. There may be more of this over the first few days following a scene but this can be a time to speak to it in general.

Recouperation. Make sure you are both drinking water and getting some food if necessary. If any minor injuries occured during the scene or something was uncomfortable physically this may be a time to double check and make sure it’s all good. Also, the bottom may be a bit “spacey” having gone into subspace a little or a lot. Aftercare gives them time to “come down a bit” so they can walk, talk, and eventually drive home. Sometimes you may not be in subspace but still feel sleepy or just generally “out of it” for a bit. These feelings go for Tops as well!

General rule: never take advantage of someone during aftercare! They are usually in an altered state due to the chemicals that were released in their body. You should not make any sexual advances or play advances during this time unless it was negotiated BEFORE the scene!

There is an extention of aftercare that also needs to be addressed. As the Top you should be prepared to check in with the bottom the next day and a couple days later. This is to cover any possible subdrop. If you know you won’t be able to check in, then make sure the bottom has arranged for another friend to check in with them or that they have alternative plans in place. Bottoms, this is also a great time to continue to reflect on the scene and write a message to your Top giving them feedback.

All in all, aftercare can be, and usually is, a lovely and peaceful time for both (or all) people involved in a scene. It serves many purposes for most people. I know a few folks that look forward to the aftercare even more than the scene itself! Don’t treat it as an afterthought – aftercare can be just as important as the play involved. Enjoy it!

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer here.

Slave vs. submissive

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slave

Just go to any BDSM party and bring up the topic, slave vs. submissive (or bottom), and you will start the gazillionth debate on this topic. Join any Internet BDSM posting group and doubtless you will have your e-mail box chock full of mail whenever this topic is brought up. Since there are no hard and fast definitions of submissive and slave, much of what has been written falls into the “opinion” category. And in order to keep confusion to a minimum, I will use submissive as equivalent to “bottom.” (Could this be yet another article?!)

So why am I adding yet another opinion to the piles of verbiage that have already been compiled on this topic? I attempt, in Kink Weekly, to simplify much of what has heretofore been presented in an overly complicated way. And I think there is room for a more succinct view in the “slave vs. submissive” debate.

I think we can safely say that slave is not a higher version of submissive. There is no food chain or hierarchy here, no matter what you might have read. But they are not equivalent. So, then, what is the difference? I believe it is the mindset. And the most concise explanation I have found that illustrates the differences in mindset between the two is contained in the following two lines:

“Submissives need to be told what to do.
Slaves need to do what they are told “

These sixteen words can never replace the volumes already written on this subject; the topic is far too complex for such a simple resolution. But it does have a lot to recommend it from a philosophical standpoint. Let’s take a look at these two lines and see what revelations it holds within it.

The first line, “submissives need to be told what to do” implies that submissives need direction from the Dom/Domme. This fits right into our concept of “training”; the submissive is molded by the Dominant to please the Dominant. They might even need a lot of training – reward and punishment — simply to learn to obey. This is because the sub’s prime directive is not necessarily to obey; it is to please. If they can do that without obeying that is fine with most submissives. Remember, ‘bratty subs’ are still subs, after all!

The second line, “slaves need to do what they are told,” shows that the slave needs to obey – he/she is simply wired that way. That is their prime directive. There is no implication that they need to be molded in any way. They simply have an overwhelming need to obey. A “bratty slave” seems somewhat of an oxymoron and our two-line definition supports this view.

Many say the mindset for a sub and a slave are quite different. And this definition implies this view. But any time you try to distill the wisdom of many down to a couple of lines, you run the risk of oversimplifying. And I am taking that risk here. Still, I think that these two lines do illustrate the mental differences between submissive and slave in a uniquely perceptive way.

In the movie “Fifty Shades of Grey,” which I am sure some of you have seen, the sub vs. slave debate is illustrated quite clearly. While Christian wanted a “slave” – he even offered Anastasia a “slave contract” – she was at most a submissive and likely not ready to be a “slave.”

The moral of this story is that a Dom/Domme should have a feel for whether a candidate is submissive or slave material. Because if he/she doesn’t, even a helicopter and a billion dollars won’t make someone into something they are not.

Next week we will be giving you BDSM play techniques for “Wax Play.” Enough theory (although you should know some), it is time for PLAY!!!

Do you agree with my definition of submissives versus slaves? Let me know what you think in the comments section.

by BAADMASTER
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Negotiating a BDSM scene

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SAFE, SANE, AND CONSENSUAL – we hear this all the time, but what does it mean? I want to take this opportunity to discuss a portion of this, which is the ‘consensual’ portion. One way to make sure that what you’re doing is consensual is to negotiate.

Negotiating tends to get easier the more you do it. In addition, as you play you will learn more about yourself including more things you need to include when you negotiate a scene. (Negotiating a relationship or D/s dynamic is a whole separate article.) The conundrum is that while you want to cover important things when you negotiate, you also don’t want to negotiate the scene to death. Many scenes are about an exchange of energy and may include elements that the top/D-type doesn’t want to necessarily divulge to the bottom/s-type. This is true especially for players that know each other well, are regular play partners, or in a dynamic/relationship. The negotiation I’m focusing on is the “newbie negotiation”. Assuming you are fairly new to kink or new to your partner, or both. Below is an easy way to remember what should be covered and descriptions for each element.

As I have been teaching the BDSM 101 series I have gone over what should be covered (in general) when negotiating play almost every week. I decided to come up with an easy to remember acronym. They are not necessarily in order of importance, but I had to make it into a “word”!

Negotiation Acronym: S.M.A.S.H.T.

An easy way to remember the basic things that should be covered in a negotiation for play.

S – Safewords
M – Medical
A – Aftercare
S – Soft Limits
H – Hard Limits
T – Triggers

Safewords – sometimes it’s not enough to just agree that the typical “stoplight” system be used (note: if you are using other safewords and playing at a public club, be sure to inform a Dungeon Monitor). “Green” means it’s all good and you are enjoying what’s happening. Most people don’t actually shout “green”! Although that may be kinda funny! Usually giggles or moans are good indicators. “Red” is also pretty straightforward. It means you STOP. Stop whatever is happening and immediately check in with the bottom. I have found that people’s understanding or expectation of “yellow” can vary. It’s important to make sure you are on the same page. If the bottom expects the top to simply “lighten up” when they call yellow but the top assumes they should stop and check in (similar to a red with perhaps less urgency) – this may affect the bottoms head space. The bottom should tell the top during negotiation that, “if I call yellow it just means you’re going too hard but don’t stop and talk to me because it will interrupt my head space.”

Medical – not just obvious things like surgeries, joint issues, injuries, etc, but also things like asthma, blood sugar issues, or allergies. Allergies can be food related but also if they have any allergy to natural fiber, you may need to double think about the type of rope you’re using (if any) or if other toys have been stored with rope that can cause a reaction. Also, if there are animal allergies and you have toys made with any kind of fur, etc.

Aftercare – this varies from person to person and possibly scene to scene with the same person. Some people enjoy close snuggling or putting their head in the tops lap while others may need some time alone or to not be touched. (side note – even if they ask to be left alone they should always be somewhere that you can keep an eye on them) Always have water at the ready for both parties and food may be desired as well. If you know you need to eat right after, I suggest having something that you bring so that you are not relying on the club to have food once you’re done playing. Even just throwing a protein bar in your bag is a good back up.

Soft limits – this refers to limits that the bottom isn’t interested in or has concerns about, but are willing to try them or push. This may also include activities that the bottom knows they don’t like, however, is willing to do them from a place of service or submission.

Hard limits – limits that are a no go. Not happening. Nope.

Triggers – psychological or emotional responses that can affect the scene (usually negatively). These can be body positions, for example the bottom may be fine on a cross but if they are bent over furniture it makes them feel too vulnerable or exposed. It can also remind them of childhood punishments and cause a negative response. Verbal triggers, often in the use of humiliation and/or degradation play. The bottom may not be ok with any “negative” talk – only affirmations or positive feedback. They may also be ok with some types of humiliation but not others. For example sexual humiliation is ok but don’t call them anything negative in reference to their intelligence or weight. Certain implements can trigger someone. Perhaps as a child they were hit with a belt as punishment. For some they may seek out belts for impact due to this experience OR it may become a negative trigger/reminder. Particular parts of the body is something else to consider. You can have a bottom who is a heavy masochist that you can do almost anything to…..except don’t touch their feet! (for example) Maybe you have to stay away from face slapping due to it triggering memories of past abuse, or their stomach due to insecurities, etc.

All of the above should be discussed with concern for both parties. The top may have medical issues or triggers that the bottom should be aware of, both should be on the same page as far as safewords and limits, and the top may have their own requests for aftercare!

Also, make sure you understand the intention of the scene. I know two people that did a full negotiation – listed all the things they both liked – then as they began, realized they BOTH assumed they were the Top! Decide together if this is more of a casual, teaching scene. Perhaps one or both of you are looking for experience but not necessarily power exchange. Do you want it to have a certain energy? Energy of the scene isn’t always something you can control, and in my opinion it’s usually best when you don’t try to, however, if one person is looking for a very sensual energy and the other desires a more strict and disciplined energy that’s good to know up front.

You may need to add to this depending on the type of play or intensity of the scene – but this should cover all your basics.

I hope this helps!

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer here: http://www.akinkshrink.com/.

What do you think is important in negotiating a scene?

BDSM – Where do I begin? Part Two

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woman curious about bdsm

The first article concentrated mainly on the basics of BDSM – basically the what, where and vocabulary of entering the lifestyle. I might add that reading books on the lifestyle will give you additional perspective as to what BDSM entails. Amazon.com has a bunch of them – just punch in “bondage books” and a whole myriad of great BDSM reading is there for a quick download.

The reason I say read is because you should define yourself and what you want from the lifestyle. Some people are just into restraints, others only into sado/masochism, still others just want a sex slave. And although you might encounter some judgmental people (“he’s not a real Master”), just keep in mind that we here at Kink Weekly make no such judgments – if you are participating in any form, you are in the lifestyle.

Now that you are reading and starting to understand what BDSM entails, I think the key to having a rewarding time in our kinky lifestyle is to “Know thyself.” This bit of advice will serve you very well on just about every level.

Most of us enter this world because of a fascination with bondage, domination, s&m, submission, or some related fantasy. One major difference between this and vanilla is if you were to tell a vanilla partner about a BDSM fantasy, the usual response would be, “You want me to do that, you perv?” Beyond the response, the look of disdain could kill. In BDSM, kink is an integral part of the lifestyle, so there is no reason to lie, either to your partner or yourself. Honesty is a great place to begin because it is a great habit that will extend over into your entire BDSM life.

What I recommend is that you probe and acknowledge your true needs and accept them. (Except if your deepest desires are either illegal or non-consensual, in which case you might wish to seek professional help.) This is the first step, the real place to begin. Although it seems easy to be honest with yourself, it is actually a lot harder than it appears. For example, if you are a male, it might be difficult to come to terms with your submissive needs if you find you have them. In our football-obsessed society, we are taught that being an alpha-male is the way to go. Conversely, a female might find it hard to accept her Domme needs in the context of the vanilla world. For whatever reason, be it guilt, shame or an inability to ever be honest with one’s self, few people are able to plumb deep enough to find out what their true desires are. And many people avoid this lifestyle rather than open themselves up to feelings that they would rather not confront. But once you have decided to join this party, then you should start on the right foundation – internal honesty.

Delving deep into who you are – Dom/me, submissive, gay, straight, bi – and what your play needs are is the right way to start. To paraphrase that old Spice Girls ditty, “Find out what you want, what you really, really, really want!” Once you are honest with yourself, then you can search for a partner who shares, to a great degree, your desires. The beauty of this lifestyle is that you can tell that person straightaway what these needs are. It is not like vanilla where you (no pun intended) beat around the bush. Tell a vanilla girl that you enjoy fisting, chances are you will get slapped — verbally or otherwise. Tell that to a lifestyle girl, she will say that it either is, or is not, her cup of tea. Without rancor, without condemnation. By discussing your needs honestly and openly, without deception or guile, you will be able to find a partner who shares your needs.

This lifestyle is set up to reward both internal and external honesty; it works best in this context. Besides, why lie when you don’t have to? Why lie when truth is an essential tool for success in this lifestyle? Why lie when by being truthful, you increase your chances of finding the perfect partner?

So, “Where do I begin?” Begin with honesty. Be honest with yourself. Then continue this honesty habit with anyone you meet in the lifestyle. It will make everything so much better. And easier. And more fun!

Future articles will explore the nuts and bolts of BDSM and D/s – flogging, caning, wax play, restraints, safe words, handcuffs – all the techniques that will add scope and excitement to your play.

Our next article will be a very important one, and one that you should not miss: “What Is a Master?” If you ever plan on meeting a Master or Mistress online, the information contained in this one article is truly essential.

Stay tuned right here!

by BAADMASTER
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

It’s ok to be submissive

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submissive man being dominated by mistress

First, what do I mean by “s-type”? For those that don’t know I refer to anyone that identifies as a slave, submissive, bottom, pet, property, or babygirl/boy (etc) as an s-type. It’s just an easier way to refer to this group without listing every specific identifier.

What does it mean to identify as an s-type? Why would someone desire, or even crave, to yield their control or power to another human being? This isn’t an easy question to answer, as there are many answers out there depending on who you ask. Some reasons may include a desire to surrender control, power, or decision making, wanting someone else to provide structure or discipline, feeling a sense of safety and caretaking, and being of service to someone else.

The paths that get an individual to this place – this want for surrender – will also vary from person to person. Not all paths or reasons are healthy. Many are quite healthy. There are complex layers that turn us toward certain partners in life, vanilla or kinky. It may be that one didn’t receive the care and discipline he/she required as a child and therefore finds it in a D/s dynamic. It could be simply that the rest of their life demands authority (high powered job, parenting, etc) and the ability to release that control with a trusted partner is like going to a spa after a long hard day. These are only two possible examples of why someone may be drawn toward submission. Not everyone understands this draw however.

“It’s 2015 – you don’t need to bow down to a man!”

“Seriously man – are you that pussy whipped?”

“Slave? How can you let him/her call you that? You’re a grown adult!”

“You mean to tell me you do whatever he/she tells you to do?! Hell no!”

“It sounds like you are just being used and taken advantage of.”

As an s-type we hear so many things from friends and loved ones who just don’t understand or who view our situation from a skewed perspective. Female s-types get lip from the “feminists” about how many years were spent fighting for equality, only for us to throw it all away by stripping our power willingly. However, we need to keep in mind that true feminists would argue that we should have equal freedoms to CHOOSE our behaviors and our lifestyle. Therefore, choosing to consensually yield power, control, etc is, in fact, a huge leap from the days that it was NOT our choice. Everything in our life comes down to the decisions we make. Even in circumstances where we hold no power or control, we still choose how to respond. The movie ‘Life is Beautiful’ comes to mind. (If you haven’t seen it you should!) The point is, we all have the right to decide how we live our life. If we choose to turn over power to someone we trust and respect then that choice should be honored. Male s-types usually catch flack for different reasons. They hear messages like submission isn’t manly. They get called pussies or wimps. Which is kind of hilarious when you think about the fact that many of them could take a much heavier beat down than their “domly” friends. (Although they enjoy it, so maybe not a fair comparison. lol) Again, how is it less manly to CHOOSE how they live their life? To consent to behaviors, dynamics and protocols that make them happy and enrich their life and their relationships?

To every male or female s-type that finds comfort and satisfaction in their submission, how is it any different than the person who finds this in a bottle of beer, a favorite sport, or the traditional vanilla relationship dynamic? Human beings seek safety, comfort, love, affection, and happiness. It isn’t for anyone to judge how you do that so long as nobody is getting hurt (in a bad way!). So take pride in your s-type identity! Slave, submissive, pet, boy/girl, property, bottom, little. Embrace who you are because it’s OK to be an s-type!

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues.  She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening.

BDSM – Where do I begin? Part 1

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woman curious about BDSM

The most frequent question I am asked is “where do I begin?” Rather than just copy the “Fifty Shades of Grey” template – after all, few of you have a helicopter – let’s give you real BDSM. Minus the helicopter!

So, where exactly do you start? You start online. Everyone is a beginner once, and almost all people get into D/s and BDSM via the Internet. Even the invitations to the BDSM clubs and parties are given out over the Internet. And where on the Internet should you begin? Well that answer, too, is a simple one – right here! You are in the right place at the right time!

Some of you are members of fetlife.com. Others among you have been to other BDSM-D/s sites. Some of you want to immerse yourself in BDSM and D/s and get serious about it as a total lifestyle – while others among you may want merely to be a part time player. Many of you may have seen bondage pictures and videos here and elsewhere and say, “How do I get my girlfriend or boyfriend to do that?” It is a process; we will outline it here within the next issues of Kink Weekly.

Every city (or almost every one) has a BDSM club. These are great places to observe other lifestylers in action. Most are very welcoming and have orientation tours. We will list those clubs here in future issues, but for now you can find these clubs on the Internet – often they have twitter handles. But before you set foot in any club, I would recommend you know the terms. Language is everything.

So, let’s define the terms of this lifestyle.

Aftercare – After a BDSM scene, particularly a demanding one, the Top should make sure the bottom is OK and is returned to normal from his/her high endorphin level (often called “subspace”) that BDSM scenes often cause.

BDSM – A popular acronym for activities inclusive of (but not limited to) Bondage, Domination/Discipline Submission/Sadism & Masochism. Also called WIITWD, an acronym for “What It Is That We Do.” Both mean this type of alternative lifestyle. Sometimes the word “Bondage” has the same broad range meaning when used in a descriptive context.

B&D – Bondage and Discipline. Although they go together in this phrase, they are not inextricably linked. Bondage means restraining someone in a helpless position
(such as being tied up.) Discipline is training a person to behave in a certain way. They tend to go together because Dominants tend to do both to their submissives.

Bondage – making a submissive physically helpless and to a great extent immobilized. Techniques include rope ties, handcuffs, leather cuffs, stocks and mummification.

Bondage Clubs – Private clubs where lifestylers meet and play. Usually filled with equipment such as the St. Andrews Cross and spanking benches, these are great places to not only play, but learn by observing others do their scenes.

Bottom – A submissive. Also can be called a slave. As there are many who say there are differences between these terms, I will cover that debate in future columns.

Cane – A wooden, plastic or graphite stalk used in BDSM play. It can hurt, so use carefully.

Consensuality Agreement – The somewhat infrequent agreement that a Top requires a bottom to sign before play. This is usually executed in private play where the bottom is a newbie and an experienced Top does not wish to risk the bottom claiming, at some later date, that the scene was non-consensual. Although not legally binding, it does prevent misunderstandings and provides limited legal protection. We will offer some “Consensuality Agreements” in future articles here in Kink Weekly.

D/s – Dominance and submission. A more specific term than BDSM (although D/s is contained within BDSM).

Discipline – Punishing, spanking, verbal orders, etc. for the purpose of training a submissive.

Dominant – (Female: Domme.) Also called a Dom, a Top, a Master or a Mistress. One who controls a bottom, slave or submissive. Again, the differences between these terms – if there are any – will be covered in future Kink Weekly editions.

Dominatrix – A Domme; although it implies being a professional.

Domme – A female Dominant. Also called a Dominatrix.

Edgeplay – Technically, this refers to knife play. But it has come to mean anything “on the edge.” It can even include fisting, asphyxia, play piercings, needle play, caning, etc. Since one person’s edge can be another’s norm, there are no hard and fast rules defining what “edgeplay” is.

Flogger – One of the most popular BDSM toys. It is made up of a handle and several leather straps which are attached to it. It can be used to whip or to caress.

Furniture – Slang for large pieces of equipment, usually at BDSM clubs. This includes, but not limited to, the legendary St. Andrews Cross, spanking benches, cages and a myriad of bondage equipment.

High Protocol – A D/s relationship wherein the rules are both demanding and encompassing. If it is practiced most of the time outside of play or clubs, it is often referred to as “24/7” – although with jobs, family and other real life considerations, it is doubtful anything can literally be 24/7!

Lifestylers – Slang for those in the BDSM lifestyle – whether weekend warriors or 24/7 players.

Limit – The point beyond which a submissive does not allow the Dominant to go; usually stated before play. It can be a “soft limit,” which can change over time. Or a “hard limit,” which is more or less written in stone. For example, a submissive might say, “Nipple clamps are my soft limit.” Or, “Knife play is my hard limit.”

Negotiation – Discussing hard and soft limits and related items of BDSM taste before any play or relationship begins. Often refers to discussions regarding a potential “slave contract.”

Newbie – someone new to the BDSM lifestyle.

Masochist – One who derives pleasure from pain.

Master/Mistress – A skilled Top. This is best explained in “What Is A Master?” which will appear in an upcoming edition of Kink Weekly.

Mummification – Using saran wrap to immobilize the bottom. Often performed in public play as it can be visually stunning.

S&M – Sadism and masochism. This is an alternative term that used to describe the BDSM scene. Gradually it is being replaced with the broader ranging acronym BDSM.

Sadist – An individual who enjoys causing pain. The term dates back to the Marquis de Sade.

Sadomasochism – The taking of pleasure, often sexual gratification, from the consensual interactions between a “sadist” and a “masochist.”

Safe, Sane and Consensual – A popular slogan in the BDSM world meaning that play should always be safe and sane, with good judgment exercised. And, most importantly, it MUST be consensual.

Safe word – A word or phrase a submissive can use to stop his or her scene. It is absolute. If a Dominant disregards a submissive’s safe word, that Dominant is considered “unsafe.” The most common safe word – even in Fifty Shades — is “RED!”
Sometimes the word “YELLOW” is agreed to which means “slow done a bit.”

Scene – A BDSM session. Sometimes refers to a “public scene” at a party where the participants let others watch.

Slave – A term used interchangeably with “submissive.” Some consider a slave a more extreme version of a submissive. This will be discussed in a future article, “Slave vs. submissive.” Check back soon.

Slave contract – A signed consensual contract, wherein a submissive or slave cedes to the Dom or Master a specified set of powers over her for a set period of time. Although legally unenforceable, it is still a powerful document in the BDSM community.

Submissive – An individual who consents to give up power to a Dominant. This can be for any duration – for an hour or a lifetime. Also called a sub, bottom or slave. Again, differences between these terms will be covered right here in future articles.

Subspace – A high endorphin state that a bottom often enters into when a skilled Dominant executes a good BDSM scene.

Torture – Not literal torture, but any type of pain inflicted by the Top on a bottom. Examples: tickle torture, clothespin play, nipple clamps, et. al.

Toys – Slang for portable BDSM equipment – usually contained in a “toy bag.”

Vanilla – People not in the BDSM lifestyle.

Violet Wand – Pricey electrical kink stimulation BDSM toys using the application of low current, high voltage electricity to the body. Like mummification, it is visually exciting and often used in public play.

Now that we have most of the definitions down (and contact me if there are any I have overlooked), let’s go on to the next steps – which are contained in “Where Do I Begin, Part 2” – right here on Kink Weekly next week!

by BAADMASTER
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit Internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are please to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

BDSM guide: Where do I Begin – Kink Weekly