opinion

Opinion: What is Submission?

July 31, 2017 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

As I had promised in last week’s opinion piece, “What Is Dominance?”, here is the sequel, “What Is Submission?”

File this installment under “opinion” This is another in our ‘food-for-thought’ articles that should be not taken as gospel, but rather used as a jump-off point for a deeper discussion of the subject matter.
We all know what submission is in terms of play. Whether the bottom is a so-called “pain slut” or one who just craves bondage — or any of a large number of dungeon interactions — unless there is a spiritual connection between Top and bottom, this would fall into the category of “play.” Notice, I said “bottom.” I believe submission implies a deeper power exchange than just dungeon play.

So, when submission goes beyond just play, as in a D/s relationship, what is it based on? After years in the lifestyle, I have come full circle and think it is close to the idealized model, “I live to please my Master or Mistress” — a construct that I initially dismissed as pure fantasy when I first entered the lifestyle. When I first came across this concept, I was skeptical that any human being could truly embrace it. After all, we all want what we want, we are all libertines and many of us, Dom/mes and subs alike, are basically selfish. But this living to please Master/Mistress is obviously selfless. So how does anyone make the leap from selfish to selfless? Must all subs become little Gandhi’s? No; as I see it, it is not a leap at all.

Gandhi? Although he was selfless, his goal — independence for his people and the way he went about attaining it — could arguably be defined as “selfish.” We can quibble about the terms, but selfless and selfish can be two edges of the same sword. This equivalency works for submission as well.

Even if we are selfish, and we want what we want (the masochist who wants a good beating gets it), the best way for a sub to get everything he/she wants is by being selfless! Although this might seem to be a contradiction, on closer analysis nothing could be farther from the truth. Ideally, the sub must use “selfless service” not as a strategy, but as an internal basis for his/her submission. If it is simply a strategy, the sub will, sooner or later, tire of it. But, if she truly wants the Master/Mistress to be happy, the sub will be getting inner satisfaction from her submission simply from pleasing. Besides, a good Master or Mistress will, unconsciously, reward his submissive’s unselfish efforts by instinctively giving what the sub desires. Thus, as an unintended consequence (or bonus!) for her “selflessness,” the sub would be getting much more than she could ever hope to attain through being “selfish.” It becomes a perfect circle – selflessness leads to having one’s selfish needs being fulfilled. There is a sports corollary here. Magic Johnson, always lauded for his “unselfish play” where he always put his teammates first, ultimately was rewarded with money, fame and championships – the ultimate “selfish” goals. All as a result of his being “unselfish!”

I have always said that the protocols of a D/s relationship and the style of a BDSM union matter little – that it’s all good. I am now convinced, more than ever, of this truth. In my humble opinion, the most important aspect of any D/s relationship is that the submissive must, to some degree, put his/her Master/Mistress or Dom/me first and derive satisfaction there from. Maybe not like a cartoon stereotype

– “I live to serve Master and nothing else matters” – but, surely, some less extreme variant. Everything else – protocols, power exchanges, play, etc. – flows from this basic foundation. Obviously, trust enters into the equation – but primarily as a facilitator for the basis of submission, which is selflessness.

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Opinion: Ushering In a New Era of Kink

December 26, 2016 By anniebear 4 Comments

It’s almost the new year-a theme heavy in this specific issue of Kink Weekly. Along with 2017 I’d like to offer a new era of kink. A lot of folks identifying with the “old guard” may not agree with this, however kink is changing and evolving and that cannot be denied or ignored.

I compare the evolution of kink or pretty much any activity to a quote from Midnight In Paris:

Nostalgia is denial – denial of the painful present… the name for this denial is golden age thinking – the erroneous notion that a different time period is better than the one ones living in – its a flaw in the romantic imagination of those people who find it difficult to cope with the present.

Those who cling to the past are not living in the present and thus cannot see the good things that are right in front of them. If you wish to keep to the idea that kink should only be practiced behind closed doors and whispered about in dark alleyways then I hope you can at least picture if you will an entirely new world where you can live your true self 24/7 and out in the open. Would you want that for yourself? I know I do.

Another year almost gone which means another year of both progress and regression. BDSM has continued to see the light of day in mainstream media with celebrities, books, and movies portraying (perhaps incorrectly) our lifestyle. So what do I mean by a new era of kink? There is a theory that due to the lifespan of humans, we completely “replace and regenerate our government, policies, and ideas every 100-200 years.” This would account for relatively slow progress (depending on your concept of time) and a circular nature to our progress. We have a new era of people ready to take the reigns but instead of going backwards, we’d like to move everything forward. We’ve already started with rise of BDSM writings in mainstream online magazines, the injection of BDSM themes into moves and television, and people both celebrity and everyday starting a conversation about kink.

We are ready to bring willing participants into this lifestlye. We are not afraid or annoyed by the influx of new people. By sharing and showing our kink we are expressing our passion and educating the masses. By branching out we hope to create even more positive ripple effects in our communities. For example the ripple effect of consent conversations and open talk about sexuality and gender. We do not want people to be afraid of kink but rather see the therapeutic benefits of safe, sane, and consensual kink and that adults are in charge of their own bodies.

In this same token we still seek the wisdom of those who have come before us. We know it has not always been “this easy” or accessible. We become too comfortable in our lifestlye at times and often experience rude awakenings if we’re not careful.

However, we are getting closer; closer to coming out of the shadows and seeing the future of kink.

I hope you’ll come along with me and those who know that kink can one day be mainstream!

Opinion: SoCal Community

November 15, 2016 By Jenn Masri 2 Comments

Those of us in Southern California are very very lucky to have many choices in the kink scene when it comes to dungeons, parties, and various other events. There are many cities and towns that have only one party to look forward to each month, some only one per year, and others who must rely on the internet alone along with privately held residential parties. Here in Southern California we can just about find something every day of the week – if not multiple things! Between parties, munches, classes, conferences, support and discussion groups…we are not lacking in kink! The purpose of this article is not to brag as a SoCal resident. While many other cities around the globe struggle with too little to do, having so much creates different issues.

The first issue is people complain about overlapping events. I get it. There are times when two or more events are happening at the same time – all of which I want to attend. I tell friends all the time – I would give anything to clone myself! However, when I hear people actually complain that “this event was planned the same day as that event” and act as though the event coordinators planned it that way just to spite them – I have to say something. I try to remind them that we are really fortunate here that “too many events to choose from” is the problem. I understand it can be a little frustrating, but trust me, the hosts are not forming a conspiracy!

This leads me to the second issue. While I understand these things from the perspective of the player (or guest), I also understand from the standpoint of the host. As you can read in my bio or see on my Fetlife profile, I teach weekly classes, host a weekly munch, co-lead two support groups, and host a monthly play party. I understand how much work goes into planning and running these various events and respect all those that undertake it. The issue with so many events happening, it can start to feel like a competition to some. I want to plead to those that treat events like competitions to remember why they really exist. They are there for the whole community. They are there to teach people new things, offer a safe space to talk, help people meet like-minded folks and offer fun places to get your kink on!

Do I promote the events I run in the best way I know how? Of course. Most of the things I run are geared toward newbies so it’s imperative that I get the word out. However, I also tell my classes and people I meet to take as many classes as they can, to check out all the clubs and to check them out more than once. One reason SoCal has so much to offer is because we have such a large kink community here. There are enough people to go around. I would never put down another club or host just to get more people to my events. I tell people regularly that every club has it’s pros and cons and they just have to go and find what they enjoy – or go to them all depending on what’s going on!

This is a community. Communities should offer support and knowledge, not only to its members, but also from hosts to fellow hosts. You will hear a million opinions about this club or that person. Decide for yourself and embrace what every club and event has to offer!

(And please let me know when they perfect human cloning!)

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Opinion: Swingers and BDSM

September 19, 2016 By anniebear 10 Comments

This topic is often fraught with controversy and angst. We have two very different lifestyles yet they both are on the fringe; often hidden from others or concealed behind closed doors, whispered about among friends. I consider myself a BDSM lifestyler first but have most definitely dabbled in the swinger lifestyle in the past. I’d like to make the case for BDSM and swingers to live in harmony and even so far as to say they can live as one! I know I’m going to get some backlash from this, but I’m hopeful about the potential these two communities have.

I know plenty of dungeons that hold separate BDSM and swinger events but very few that host crossover events. Goddess Fae in San Diego has been championing the cause at her Dungeon Black. You go girl! It’s often touted that the two communities cannot cohabitate. The swinger group is horrified by acts of BDSM it is said. The BDSM group is appalled at the lack monogamy and consent that the swingers convey. To this is say hogwash! If I may point out the similarities between the two groups, I think it will be fairly obvious that they have more in common than not. There is also the negative connotation surrounding the word “swinger” in the mainstream context. People assume that swingers are sex-crazed fiends who attend drug and alcohol fueled parties. I’ve found the reality to be to the contrary. There is a similar misconception about BDSM parties being full of big scary men who grab and cart off unwilling women into dark rooms to beat and torture. Sound familiar?

Safety
Both groups encourage safe play and sex practices. Some swinger parties even model the BDSM parties by having “monitors” or folks who walk around making sure everyone is alright and rules are being followed.

Consent
As always, consent is key for both communities. People can’t just go in and start banging (or banging on) anybody they want. While some swinger parties have more relaxed rules or a general “open consent” vibe, a person still reserves the right to say, “No thanks, I’m not interested.” Those who push this point or consistently break it tend to fall out of favor (and out of invites) fairly quickly.

Curiosity
Everyone has a curiosity about one another. There are a lot of folks that crossover between the two and information is exchanged.

Communication
Not unlike BDSM couples, I’ve found that folks in the swinger community are awesome communicators. You have to be just as open with your partner and potential partners about limits, wants and desires.

It’s safe to say that some folks in the swinger lifestyle will simply not be into bondage and spanking but it’s not necessarily the case where they will be appalled. In these fringe communities, people have a broader understanding and acceptance of things that are not “normal” by vanilla standards.

I’d like to think if the two communities had a bit more practical understanding of the other, then the two could combine to make some pretty awesome collaborations. There are mutual skillsets to share, not to mention a larger pool of kink-minded folks to befriend and who doesn’t want more BDSM acceptance?

I’d love to open up a discussion about this. Please chat with me about your thoughts and experiences in the comments!

Writer, model, babygirl, submissive. After trying vanilla relationships one time too many, anniebear finally realized her submissive desires and discovered the BDSM community. When not writing for Kink Weekly, she enjoys spankings and being tied with rope.

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