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Predators In The Scene

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I’ve been involved in the scene for well over a decade and have learned a tremendous amount in a relatively short amount of time.  I’ve gone from clueless noob, to less clueless noob, to vaguely less clueless but not noob, to knowing some stuff, to knowing enough stuff to be in a relationship, to being happy to not need to know all the things. It’s been a fun, somewhat peril-filled journey that’s inevitable even if it’s not necessarily what I might have thought.

During that time I’ve encountered a great many predators, both anecdotally and personally. And, like the mythical Hydra, each time one seems to be dealt with and expunged, two more crop up to take their place. Worse, some of them are like a bad penny, turning up again and again.

So how does one define a predator? Simply put, they’re someone who’s out only for themselves, a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath who’s only interested in gratifying their own desires. They have little to no regard for anyone else, existing only in their own head and scratching their own itches.

They tend to be unsafe players intentionally, as they’re often sadists who’re indifferent to the inclinations of those under them. They’ll beat someone black-and-blue or even bloody, all the while complaining about the bottom’s inadequacy in taking pain. They’ll clumsily tie someone ignoring trigger points and nerves, causing pain and permanent damage. Needless to say, they’re no fans of safe words.

And of course, they have a tendency to prey on new people.

So yeah, I’ve… we’ve as a community… encountered them. And inevitably we drive them out. We’ve won! Game over!

Except it isn’t.

Many of them hang out in the periphery of any local community, sniping new profiles on FetLife, contacting them and ingratiating themselves, even as they denigrate the local scene. They’re bad people, but it can also be easy to warn new people away from them. Stick to the groups and you’ll be fine, right?

Sure, except for the groups that are harboring predators or, worse, are run by predators.

They’re the groups with a member (or members) that seem to have an inordinate number of consent violations against them, yet seem to enjoy an otherwise sterling reputation, particularly amongst the leadership (with whom they’re best friends).  Often the defense which is given is, “I’ve never seen them do anything bad,” or, “They’ve never done anything to me.” Both of which are, of course, utter and complete horse shit.

You’d think that in a age of #MeToo we’d be better at believing the victim. But it turns out that we’re not. Perhaps we’re too proud of the “consent culture” we’re providing but, if someone’s got a lot of consent violations floating around them, they need to be addressed.

And then there are the groups that are actually run by said predators, often under the auspices of being a group for new people, a sort of “101 group”. Sure they may well do a decent job of presenting 101-style topics and throwing parties which are highly welcoming for newbies. But they also serve as a target-rich environment for the predators at the top. 

Ask yourself this; how often have you seen a group’s leadership take a surprising, personal interest in a promising, pretty new member, and then said member is gone within six months? Consider the concept that they’ve been abused and tossed aside, never to return to something they once craved but are now soured on.

There are more subtle examples as well, people who were once eager and wide-eyed and remain as more cynical and suspicious individuals. 

We also need to notice that these predatory “community leaders” have a tendency to push out the best people in the actual community; they don’t like the competition nor the fact that they’ll get called out for their bad behavior. My personal count is seventeen, people with whom I was good friends, but who I now only see at private events, disgusted as they are with the public scene.

Of course it’s not all bad news. Many of said “good people”, as well as those who’ve seen their consent violated, go on to form their own groups, often to bring in new people and help them navigate what they see as a complicated and potentially dangerous scene. I know of a few locally, and it warms my heart to see them thriving.

But how can you tell the two apart, the predator-led groups from the good-people-led groups? 

Honestly, as a newbie, you often can’t. Both can have sterling reputations, with large memberships and long histories. Indeed, the “good” groups may have a shorter history with fewer members.

In the end, it’s up to you. Use your best judgement, trust your instincts, trust your feelings. Predators can have a way of saying the right things, and a practiced manner of ingratiating themselves, but it always feels wrong. Go with your gut. The good people will always feel good.

PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community since 2007, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication. 

Anticipatory Service: Is it Right for Your Dynamic?

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!

People’s preferences differ. Dominants are no exception. One topic that generates lots of debates among dominants – and therefore, confusion among subs – is the area of Anticipatory Service. To some (myself included), having a submissive who is so in-tuned with my definition of dominance and submission, that they can consistently accurately act in accordance with my preferences, without needing to be told and without needing to ask for permission, is the pinnacle of good submission. To others, it’s a repulsive idea.

When I mention Anticipatory Service, I’m often met with, “Subs make terrible mind-readers!” I respond that the notion that anticipation requires reading someone’s mind is completely erroneous. Yes, anticipatory service requires that the sub be focused on the dominant quite a bit. They need to remember things, be observant, and present. It requires that the sub be attentive, empathetic, and a little intuitive. But they’re not expected to be a mind-readers. Rather, they’re expected to internalize their dominant’s preferences and apply them to their decisions.

There are dominants who prefer that the sub never take the initiative to act on their behalf and to never make their own decisions. They may allow the submissive to make suggestions, but never to act without instruction / permission to do so. They prefer the method of “Recall and Obey”: Only allow the sub to act on their own when it’s in response to a standing directive (e.g., Every Tuesday AM do this…Every time I do that, you do this).
For me, this plays on the difference between “Information” and “Instruction”. Information provides the “Why” of a request, whereas Instruction provides the “How”. If I inform the sub that I want something done and provide the basis for them to determine what “correct” is, they are given the responsibility of determining how to do it to my expectation.

If I provide instruction, they are to “obey” and follow those instructions. In my opinion, a sub following instructions will, at best, meet expectations – whereas a sub who is given information can exceed those expectations. For me, a sub who can exceed my expectations is a top-notch sub!

To clarify this distinction, I propose the following scenario:
Let’s say a dominant tells her sub, “From now, until I tell you otherwise, you are to bring me a glass of wine with a bowl of fruit each evening when I sit down to watch TV.”

The sub does so, each evening: Recall and obedience.
Tomorrow, the dominant has an appointment with the doctor and will be getting her blood taken to test for blood sugar levels. The sub knows this and knows that she cannot have the sugar from the fruit, nor from the alcohol, but it’s slipping the dominant’s mind – and she isn’t telling the sub to do anything different.

The sub has some choices:

1. Pure recall and obedience would edict that the sub does what he’s told to do, anyway – as he wasn’t told NOT to do it…so he would blindly obey. He brings the glass of wine and fruit, obediently.
2. Inquire, don’t act: The sub reminds the dominant of her blood test the next day and asks if he should bring the wine and cheese anyway. The dominant would then tell the submissive if she would have something else instead.
3. Anticipatory: The sub reminds the dominant of her blood test the next day and shows her that he prepared an alternate snack that doesn’t impact the blood work, and offers it as an option to her. If the alternative is not what she wants, she’ll send him off for something else, otherwise, she’s all set.

Given this example, some dominants are going to choose #2; not wanting the sub to act without permission. Frankly, I don’t see too many choosing #1, as that strikes me a bit more like fantasy play than reality. You all can likely guess that I’d prefer #3. I don’t mind allowing the sub to use their minds and not rely only on me.

If my sub were choosing the alternative snack for me, it wouldn’t be chosen out of the blue – nor would it be chosen because he miraculously “read my mind” – it would be chosen based on his best understanding of my preferences, the situation as it stands, (in this case) his knowledge of blood tests and the impacts of what I ate / drank prior to drawing the blood, and any other factors that might influence my preference (e.g, What I ate earlier in the day – if he knows that, if I will be working out later – if he knows that, what I’m having for dinner – if he knows that, etc.).

All of those “If he knows that”s are important to note. He’s not expected to know everything – he can’t read my mind. He’s expected to take whatever he knows and use it to make his best, educated, anticipation. Obviously, the more in-tuned he is with me; the more he is aware of my patterns and the way I prefer to handle situations, and the more observant he can be – the more educated and accurate his anticipation will be. This would give him the best chance of arriving at a solution that will please me.

And if he doesn’t get it right, that’s OK too. I don’t get mad at my sub if he anticipates incorrectly – as long as he was truly trying to the best of his ability and as long as he learns from his mistakes. If he gets something wrong (or not right), then it’s a learning experience that will influence and improve his anticipation skills in the future. We’re in this, together, for the long haul.

I assure you, that when a sub gets it right and comes up with something PERFECT that I, myself, might not have even thought of – exceeds my expectations – that’s heaven! Consider that, If he’s obedient, the best I can get is what I can think of. Whereas, if he gets good at anticipating, and is encouraged to do so, I can get surprised by things that may be even BETTER than what I would have thought of! Two minds can be better than one – as long as they’re focused on the same objective (my happiness)!

If you’re a submissive, be sure to take your lead from the unique dominant to whom you’re submitting. Don’t assume anticipatory service is better because Rika said it is for her. You are a student, who needs to learn your dominant’s preferences – particularly when it comes to the style of submission they would like. Also, submissives, don’t try to push your preferences onto your dominant. You might like to never be allowed to make a decision on your own, but your dominant may not like the pressure / burden that places on them. If your goal is to make your dominant pleased with your service as their submissive, focus on their preferences and adapt to deliver to the best of your ability.

If you’re a dominant, make sure you understand and communicate your preferences to your submissives. Usually dominants don’t need to be told that, but you might be surprised how often dominants either forget, or try to appease their submissives. Know what you prefer and assure your submissive understands it. Then expect it to be done the way you prefer!

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

BDSM Doesn’t Always Mean Safe

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There are a LOT of “shoulds” in this world.

We should be able to walk unmolested.
We should be able to post pics and not get rude comments.
We should be able to go to a kink event and not have our consent violated.
We should…a million things.

People shouldn’t steal or lie either; but I busted 350 people stealing from grocery stores in three years and every fuckin’ one of ’em lied to my face. Repeatedly. I came to expect it, and learned not to believe a word out of anyone’s mouth. I have often said I’m so jaded the Chinese want to mine my soul. It comes from a tough upbringing. Not as bad as some, mind you. I’ll never say mine is worse than someone else’s. But tough enough that my opinions and attitudes are sometimes very hard-boiled.

I don’t live in the land of “should”.

I live in a world of reality and recognize that all those “should” moments depend entirely on the morals and ethics of another person. I know that if people are given the opportunity and think they’ll get away with it, they’ll do it. Whatever “it” is.

And that is a crying shame.

We know we can NOT depend on the morals and ethics of the other person in this new world of identity theft and cyberbullying. We live in a world where someone is assaulted somewhere every minute of every day and all we have to do is look at the news to see today’s version of the same story.

I lived in a town where a woman did NOT walk by herself after dark, and we drove with our doors locked long before the word car-jacking was coined. The neighborhood was irrelevant. They were all equally dangerous.

In some instances, just having your eyes down and looking afraid marked you as an easy victim and you’d get the piss pounded outta you. People make so much about subs lowering their eyes out of respect…but where I came from, that meant the opposite and could get you put in the hospital, if not killed. A kid was killed a block from my home, when a group of other kids crushed his head with a cinderblock.

I lived in a place where you had to be careful what color bandanna you had in your back pocket. Each color meant a different street gang, and having the wrong one on your head while walking on the wrong street would get you put in the hospital. Or killed.

These were very real things I lived with every day. Crips, Bloods, Ffolks, several others whose names I can’t recall now. There were so many gangs that a gang task force was created. What horrid place was this? Itty Bitty Toledo, Ohio…in the 80s and 90s.

Now I live in New York City. There are areas I’m not going to be going to alone at night, regardless whether or not I “should” be able to. Moving here didn’t suddenly make me stupid. “Should” doesn’t exist. But I do feel safe enough that I can walk home alone at 3am after the party if I need to. 

I have never lived in the land of “should” but in a world of “be smart and watch out for yourself.” I have always lived in a world in which my safety was directly put into my own hands and taking chances could easily end up badly. I learned to recognize the dangers and take the appropriate course to mitigate them. Dare I say it? I take personal responsibility for my own safety. It’s not up to anyone else to keep me safe.

I keep myself safe.

Do I live in fear? Nope. I’m not afraid of anyone. My x took care of that the night he held me prisoner with that sword. I just don’t trust them. I don’t trust them with my life, my hide, by backpack full of toys. I make the decisions appropriate to each situation, whether the decision is to take action or step back out of sight.

Being into BDSM doesn’t mean everyone suddenly got a shot of perfect morality and is absolutely trustworthy. Far from it. People will steal a toy left unattended. I couldn’t tell you how many “missing/stolen item” threads I’ve seen over the years. How many “he touched me” and “he/she didn’t stop when I said stop” threads have we seen?

Should people steal the toy? No. They “should” turn it in to the event promoter so it can find its rightful home. That’s the ethical choice. But there are those who will steal the paddle, steal the whip, steal the flogger. They’ll do it and not think twice.

Should people not touch? Of course they should not touch if they haven’t asked/don’t have permission. But they do.

I don’t live afraid. I live alert and vigilant and take into my own safety into my own hands rather than counting on the morals and ethics of strangers. I live ready to take action and assert myself if needs be.

If you’re expecting everyone to have perfect morals, because BDSM, you’re going to be extremely disappointed. 

You’re going to get yourself hurt.

TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She is an award-winning author who has written two “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and twentysomething fiction books.

Read her books on her Amazon page — https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2

You can also find more of her OP/ED work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828

She enjoys crocheting and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.

Shaping, Molding, and Growing Submissives…No Thank You!

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly! 

This week, I’d like to delve into a topic that came up during a discussion in FetLife.com regarding the responsibilities of a dominant in “shaping” their submissive. In this discussion, a dominant woman was having difficulty with her submissive, in that he was not obedient and behaving as she wished around her friends. She was at a loss coming up with ideas for ways to “train” him in this regard, and was asking for suggestions from others. 

She actually received a bunch of advice by the time I got there, including several ways to “embarrass him public”, “cut him down to size”, and “Break Him”. In this “wisdom” I saw a common thread regarding HER responsibilities as a dominant, to mold her sub, shape him, and “help him grow as an individual”. They had all sorts of ideas for how to help him develop into a better human being and a better partner. 

“What am I, his mother?” 

This was all I could think. When did being a dominant become an assignment to raise a child? Since when is his commitment to me grounds for me becoming responsible for his actions? I’m not of the belief that the dominant’s role is to shape a sub. To me, the dominant’s role is to communicate expectations and to assess performance. The fact that the sub consents, implies he has free will to apply himself to meet my expectations. He needs to act on that. I adjust the sub’s efforts by making my expectations clear and providing guidance as to how they can better perform against those expectations. We are in a joint-venture; to provide the best possible service to me. This is what he wants and also what I want. We are working together, but our responsibilities are very different. 

I don’t have the responsibility to create, improve, or inspire his submission 

As I’ve discussed in other articles, my power dynamics with my subs are defined by what the sub can do FOR me, not around what is being done TO him. “Improving the submissive” isn’t a goal of my dynamics. “Improving the submissive’s ability to deliver”, is. I will provide feedback along with suggestions for improvement. I will enable him by providing what he needs to do the job and by eliminating obstacles to him getting it done right. But ultimately, he needs to make it happen for himself. 

I never think of myself as creating or manipulating my sub’s submission. When a sub is a great sub, I didn’t make him great, he did. He deserves the credit. Yes, we work together – but my role is communicating expectation, his is execution. If execution is good, it reflects well on him. 

On the flip side, when a sub doesn’t perform to a level that serves me, I look to him to fix it. Submission is a state of mind that HE needs to govern. The thought that I, as the dominant, am “inspiring” his submission implies that the quality of his submission is determined by my behavior: If he doesn’t perform, I didn’t “inspired him enough / properly”. Nonsense: I refuse to accept that responsibility. Performance is his responsibility. The onus of execution falls on him. 

One of the guys giving advice suggested that she punish him with “Intense discomfort” to “Train him to become obedient and compliant”. I thought to myself, “Do I want my sub to be MOTIVATED BY AVOIDANCE of intense discomfort?” Do I even want him to be “compliant”? I don’t think I do – not either one of those. In my dynamics, the motivation for submitting – and, in this particular variation, of being obedient – needs to come from his desire to be the best submissive he can be. I don’t want him to be compliant: He isn’t doing what I want because he “has” to, he feels as though he’d be letting HIMSELF down, if he fails to submit to the best of his ability. It follows that, if he is gauging the quality of his submission on how well I feel it serves me – and how happy it makes me – and if he has an inner drive to make sure he doesn’t lower the standard of his submission – then the obedience (or however submission is defined) will be a natural consequence of that attitude. He’s not compliant, he’s actively pursuing the things I want. I don’t need him to fear consequences. I want him to find his motivation in delivering the highest level of submission he can. 

When a sub is motivated by his internal desire to perform at the highest level to which he is able, you get the best from your submissive. You get more than you demand. You get a partner who is happy, proud, and fulfilled by his service to you. 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Balancing D/s relationship with career

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I have been trying to steer clear of the COVID-19 pandemic in my articles. But there are questions that were sent to me before the pandemic. And some of these – such as this week’s query – seem to unintentionally refer back to this God-awful virus, since many have had a 24/7 situation thrust on them Thus, I will structure my answer so it could apply to almost any combination of live-in D/s arrangements. The question:

Reader: My Master works out of our house. I have a regular 9-5 job, which I had before we met; we both agreed to me continuing my career. I am concerned that I cannot live up to his 24/7 ideal because of my employment situation. Do you think I can? Any tips how best to manage this situation?

First of all, since your Master was in favor of you continuing your job, he clearly did not want you to serve him literally 24/7. True live-in 24/7 service, where the slave serves the Master 24/7, is actually rare in this lifestyle. I don’t have statistics, but the number of live-in slaves who do not work is surprisingly small, Fifty Shades notwithstanding. This happens for a myriad of reasons. One is that many people do not want to be in the company of another all the time. Personally, I like my alone time. Another is that many slaves are career oriented. Having a job can be very fulfilling; again, your Master – from day one – was clearly in favor of your career. Besides, a second paycheck can be a welcome addition to any household in this decade, M/s or otherwise. Thus, for one or all of these reasons, your Master was cool with you having a job. It appears that concerns about the “24/7 ideal” are yours, not his.

The key is to understand, as your Master seemingly does, that 24/7 does not have to literally mean 24/7. Of course, for some, it can. All Master/slave relationships are unique and there is no universal standard; it appears to me that 24/7 is more a state of mental slavery than one of physical servitude. The best example I can give you is that of marriage. Even when you are at work, you are married. If you are 3000 miles away from each other, you are married – and married 24/7. Similarly, if you are a collared slave, you are collared 24/7. The collar does not come off your neck when you are apart. (Velcro collars exempted!) That said, one must not slack off when it comes to being a good slave. And that is a legitimate concern. So, let me offer you some tips to keep you on your game.

One problem of having a job is that you can be exhausted when you come home from work, especially if you add in corona virus stress. If your job has any submissive aspects to it – like an executive assistant – there can be a tendency to mentally say, “I don’t want to get anyone anything. I am worn out.” Rather than serve grudgingly, you might mention that you are particularly tired that day. Your Master just might just go light on you. Communication is always the key.

On the other hand, on those days when you are not dragging, make a special effort to be a terrific slave. Your Master will appreciate the extra exertion – and it will more than make up for the days when your job wore you out. So, don’t be so hard on yourself. Some days are simply better than others – from both the Dom/me and sub point of view.

The key is to realize you are not actually serving 24/7 – so on those hours when your Master expects you to be at his beck and call, you should be very attentive. Don’t underestimate your Dom/me; a wise Master will understand the time management aspects of owning a slave with a job – especially nowadays. You really have nothing to worry about. Just serve well when you are required to, and communicate with him when you are unable to be the perfect slave due to job fatigue or other work-related factors..

Never forget the 24/7 ideal is just that – an ideal. It rarely exists. Most of us, the fictional Christian Grey excepted, live in the real world. In your case, your Master was accepting of your employment. It follows that he will also accept the ebbs and flows that any time-intensive job – and our current pandemic– will cause. The best advice I can offer you is to do your best, communicate effectively, and, more than likely, all will be fine.

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Video: What BDSM Can Teach Us About Explicit Consent In The Workplace

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What can BDSM teach us about explicit consent in the workplace? | Megan Bloomer | TEDxSanJuanIsland

Don’t miss Megan Bloomer’s insightful lecture on how kink negotiation techniques can be used to gain a better understanding of consent and the art of saying “No” at work.

Despite BDSM still being heavily stigmatized, Megan shows the important values that the Kink Community can bring to all areas of life including the workplace.

Consent is sexy! This video is a must watch!

How Not To Be Afraid to Top

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There was a huge shake-up within the NYC public scene late 2017 into early 2018. Some big names in the scene were accused of various consent violations, some of them several years old, one after the other. “Pillars” of the (gak) community, as it were. Long time educators and party/convention promoters went down in flames, one by one, almost overnight. The whole thing got very ugly, as we all watched and waited to see who would be next.

While it was going on, I saw a post from a newish top saying they were afraid to be a top because of the “hang ‘em high” atmosphere. There is also a frightening trend of bottoms deciding months, even years later, that something fully consented to at the time is suddenly not. We’ve dubbed it “retroactively withdrawing consent”, and it is a frightening prospect.

That post, and this new trend, prompted this piece.

—————

There are people who point out that we have to have new subs/bottoms at the parties. Okay. Great. I agree.

We also need new tops in order to have a thriving public scene. If the tops are scared away by the prospect of having their name and reputation dragged through the court of public opinion by someone who was fully consenting at the time, who are the bottoms going to play with? It’s a double-edged sword.

There are plenty of “how to be a bottom” discussions. But there’s not very much “how to be a top” that doesn’t disintegrate into “you must aftercare or you’re a BAD TOP!!!” Once that happens, there can’t be any discussion about topping. The entire thread becomes mired in the endless DO TOO!/DO NOT!!! shouting matches that all-too-often just get a discussion closed.

Many people are focused on the poor, ever-innocent bottom and how that big mean top is totally going to violate them the first chance he gets. No one thinks about how a top might have to protect themselves.

As a top, you also have the right to protect yourself from bad situations. This is a candid article, experienced top to new top, about casual/pick up play at a party, and how to implement an ethic that can go a long way toward building and protecting both yourself and your reputation. Is it foolproof? No. I would never say that. But I do believe that having a plan, and sticking to it, is better than traipsing through the scene with no regard for the consequences.

First a few simple truths:

You don’t have to play with any and every bottom who asks you.
I’ve seen it happen to others and it’s happened to me. A bottom bounces up to you and all but demands you play with them. They don’t even ask. “I want a spanking from you” rather than “would you please give me a spanking”, then they have the nerve to get angry if you say no. Hold your ground. If they get angry that you refuse, would you ever want to play with that person? When someone shows you who they are, believe them.


You can refuse to play with anyone at any time.
Even if you’ve made prior arrangements to play, you can change your mind and not play with them when the time comes. If the bottom can back out at any point, so can the top. That shoe fits equally well on both feet.


You don’t have to have any reason other than “I don’t want to”.
If “no” is a full sentence for bottoms, then it’s a full sentence for tops as well. You don’t have to give an explanation if you don’t want to.


No one has the right to guilt or badger you into topping them.
If it’s not okay for a top to guilt or badger a bottom, then the reverse is also true and the bottom has no right to hound you for play either.

Implement a few simple rules and standards for yourself to follow. Below is a list of simple starting points.

  1. Only play with people who know and understand what they are asking for and agreeing to. Make sure their expectations are reasonable. When it’s clear a person doesn’t understand, or their expectations are unreasonable, respond with straightforward language. Ambiguity is your enemy. Be very specific.

Ex: The bottom wants a caning but no marks. That is an unreasonable expectation. Tell them straight up “You’re being hit with a hard stick. If you can’t accept that there will be marks, don’t do impact.”

You don’t know if the bottom marks easily or not. You don’t know how easily they bruise. You can’t know that. You cannot promise no marks. You cannot promise a bruise won’t pop up three days later.

  1. If the bottom is hesitant, or unable, to explain when you question their understanding of what they want, don’t play with them.

This may seem harsh, but we are talking about your personal safety and reputation within your local scene. Even if you don’t play in public, you can still earn a bad reputation if the bottom does attend events and decides to tell the world about your playtime encounter.

Not to mention: If the bottom cannot articulate/communicate appropriately BEFORE play begins, they won’t magically get any better at it once the endorphins start kicking in. Poor communication skills, from either end of the cane, are your enemy.

  1. If they have a habit of making dramatic mountains out of meaningless molehills, don’t play with them.

Does a person gossip about other people all the time? They’ll gossip about you too. If they do it with former partners, they will do it with you. Don’t think for one minute that they won’t.

  1. During play, less is more. Always leave them wanting more rather than regretting they didn’t say stop.

Casual/pick up play with a stranger you’ve never met before isn’t often dom/sub play. It is topping and bottoming and both parties need to be able to say yes and no along the way. Don’t be afraid to ask “do you want (this) or do you want (that), less or more, harder/softer/the same?” Always offer the option to stop right that moment. If it is the bottom’s choice every step of the way, then it’s all consented to. Abide by the answer unless they are hesitant.

What if they are hesitant?
If they hesitate to say yes, then it’s no. Don’t do that thing.
If they hesitate between more or less, then the answer is less.
Err on the side of caution. Always.
You can always play a bit more later on during the event, or another day.

  1. Keep your fingers, mouth, feet, knees, elbows, implements, etc, away from where they ought not be.

You cannot take liberties with someone you have never played with before. It takes time to build the play partner relationship, to learn each other’s signals. That’s not likely to happen during this half hour of play at a very loud party, when you’ve barely talked about the weather let alone your entire sexual and playtime histories.

So if you haven’t asked if they want it (whatever “it” is), then don’t do it. That includes rubbing the butt or shoulder after a series of impact hits. Ask first, before you start play, if that kind of touching is okay. Some do like it. Some don’t. This is not something to assume once you get going.

Assume nothing.

  1. Regarding after care.
    There are those who demand that all tops and doms must absolutely give aftercare to every bottom, no matter what.

I’m here to tell you they are wrong. In my ten years of public play, wailing on dozens and dozens of different people, the only aftercare I’ve ever performed was to put a band aid on someone’s butt.

I don’t do aftercare. All manner of insults are hurled at me online for saying that. At the party, I get a response of “why would there be?” For all the yammering in online forums, there’s remarkably little of it actually happening at the dungeon.

Not all bottoms want anything more than a hug. Some don’t even want that much. If the bottom doesn’t want you to do anything for them when you’re done playing, then trying to force it on them would be wrong.

Some tops require the care from the bottom, which is quite a turnaround from what is generally considered the norm.

Talk about it as soon as the question “wanna play?” is asked. Whether or not there will be any sort of aftercare should be discussed before you even look at implements and decide what is going to be used. It must be agreed upon from the start. If the bottom wants something you’re not willing to do, or you want the care but the bottom isn’t willing to do what you need, then there’s no point in discussing what type of play will be had.

  1. If you, as the top, have ANY doubts, don’t even start to play.

    Listen to your gut and err on the side of caution. Always.

Watch how people play and behave. I have made decisions about bottoms I won’t play with just watching how they interact with others when asking for play or during a scene.

There’s always another party, another time.

  1. There is a temptation to go to All The Parties. Don’t.

    It’s downright exhausting to try to attend everything. Not to mention expensive. Hit this party or that party. Keep within the confines of your wallet. Find a place you like, or “like enough”, and establish yourself there.

Become known by the regulars of that venue. Learn the familiar faces and become friendly with some of them. As you gain experience, it’s easier to go with confidence to other venues and events.

As you find your place, find your footing, you might start to relax some of these steps. Or not.

It may also happen that someone close to you finds themselves in hot water, and you end up relieved that you’ve stuck to your personal protocols and standards. You might choose never to relax them.

Only you can decide what is going to be right and best for you.

About the Author

TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She is an award-winning author who has written two “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and twenty fiction books that you can find on Amazon. https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2

You can find more of her work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828

She enjoys crocheting and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.

Sometimes I’m A Kitty Cat

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I snuggled into my Daddy’s chest. Twirled his chest hair in my fingers. There’s so much I love about being with Daddy. Playing games, singing, being silly, taking cares of him (cause little ones know how to do that really good). Bedtime is when we would  talk most sweetly to each other; he made me feel so very safe. I could tell him anything that was in my head and he would listen. Anything at all. At bedtime he rubs my back, gives me forehead kisses, and strokes my hair. When he was petting my hair, I suddenly had an idea that I was super excited about.

“Daddy?!”

“Yes? Little one.”

“Tomorrow, tomorrow I wants to be a kitty cat!!”

“Ohhh? A kitty cat?”

“Uh huh. Wear ears and a tail and meow and purrs and gets petted”

“Mhmmm?” Daddy was sleepy I could tell.

“Yes, Daddy. A kitty cat”

“Okay sweetie. Tomorrow you can be a kitty cat. Tonight though, it’s time for sleepy”

“But Daddy, now I’m excited about being a kitty cat!”

“Little one, even kitty cats need sleep.” He kept playing with my hair.

“Hmmm, okay Daddy. I know time to sleep”

I settled further into his chest and drifted off in Daddy’s arms.

When I woke, Daddy wasn’t in bed, which was strange cause it was Saturday and I get up first on Saturdays usually. I stretched and yawned and rubbed my eyes and got up to use our bathroom. When I came back out, I noticed what was on the dresser. Daddy remembered!!

My kitty ears, gloves with little kitty nails, and my tail. They were all purple cause in our house kitty cats can be purple. I put on my kitty ears and gloves.  But I needed help with the tail. It was a special tail; you could wear it when you didn’t have clothes on cause kitty cats don’t wear clothes. Daddy said it was a plug and you would put it inside and that’s how your tail would stay on. So, even when you’re crawling on the floor it doesn’t fall off.

“Daddy!! I need some help please” I yelled from the top of the stairs.

“Be right there.” Daddy was in the kitchen probably getting breakfast. I was already on the bed in my “putting the tail in” position. That’s just like princess position with your face down on the bed and your bum high in the air.

“Mmmmm good girl,” Daddy said as he walked in. His footsteps came closer and I heard him open something. There was this special stuff that made your parts slippery when you used it.

“Ready little one?”

“Uh huh. Daddy puts the tail in please”

I felt Daddy’s hand on one side of my bottom. Then his finger dipped inside my little bum hole. Daddy usually put some of that stuff inside before my tail. I felt the plug go in. I likes the way it feels. Daddy gave my bottom a quick swat.

“All set you pretty kitty”

I meowed at him.

He petted my back and I arched to meet his hand.

“Kitty kitty I have a game for us to play”

I meowed again cause kitty cats don’t talk.

Daddy got something from his dresser. When he brought it over I could see that it was a purple collar with a little bell. I loved it. Purple to match his purple kitty.

He put it around my neck and did up the clasp.

“Purrrrfect,” he smiled at me. “Kitty cats, little one, are very quiet when they move. They are almost silent. That’s why some owners put bells on collars so they know where their kitty cat has gone”

I turned over so he could pet my tummy.

“I want to see how quiet you can be. You will crawl around the house just like a kitty. If I hear that bell though, I’m going to come find you, and then… well you’ll see, understood?”

Oh, I loved Daddy’s games. I meowed again to show that I understood. Daddy patted my head and stroked my tail and then left the room. I needed to be very, very quiet.

I slipped off the bed and down to the floor carefully. The bell moved, but didn’t ring. I began to crawl across the floor of our room slowly. I made it to the hall with no ringing. But the stairs!! I turned around to back down them so I could stay on my knees but the bell hit the stair above as I moved down and it rung.

“Don’t you move” Daddy’s voice carried through the house. I didn’t move an inch.

“Tsk Tsk, little kitty, Daddy heard that bell. So naughty, what should we do about it?” Daddy was already behind me. He made my princess parts tingle with his words. What would he do? Then he struck. I knew rights away it was the flogger. Across my bottom, across my back over and over. I cried out at first, but soon settled into it, arching my back to meet the flogger. It made my little honey pot drip. Daddy knew it and paused to dip a finger inside.

“So wet already pretty kitty.” He brought his finger to my mouth.

“Lick it kitty, lick Daddy’s finger clean.” I looked in Daddy’s eyes and licked his finger; it was so good tasting myself on his him. I tasted soooo sweet.

“Mmmmm good kitty, another try? Don’t you let that bell ring.”Daddy left the stairs. My bottom stung, but I knew now to be extra careful to keeps the bell away from the stairs. This time  I made it to the bottom.

I started down the hall towards the living room. It felt like it was taking forever and ever to get there so, I moved a little faster, but my arms came up too quick and it knocked the bell, and it rung loud again.

“Kitty, kitty! Don’t you move!” And there was Daddy in front of me undoing his belt already. I tried to move fast. Cause kitties can be fast and I didn’t care about that bell ringing anymore. I wanted to be away from Daddy’s ouchie belt.

Daddy caught my leg and pulled me back towards him; I kicked and hissed (that’s the sound kitties make when they are mad).

“You hissing at me kitty?” He had a tight grip on my leg and down came his belt across my bottom hard.

“Stop struggling you naughty thing, “ He hit me again two more times til I stopped trying to gets away. I laid quiet on the floor. Daddy’s fingers were now searching inside my princess parts feeling how wet he had made me. Slowly sliding inside and out, I lifted my body up so he could go deeper.

“Oh, you frisky, little kitten. You want to play?”

I meowed and pushed back into his hand. But he stopped and wiped my wetness off his fingers and down my back.

“Turn around.”

I did what Daddy asked cause I was a good kitty (well, mostly). He now stood with his jeans undone and his yummy Daddy part was out. And it was hard. I liked that I made Daddy that way.

“Here Kitty Kitty, come get your treat.”

I moved closer to Daddy and looked up in his eyes.

“Lick your treat.” That’s all he needed to say.

I stuck out my little kitty tongue and began to give slow, long licks at first, making sure I got every inch of his hard Daddy part. Then, I opened my kitten mouth and took just the tip in, flicking my tongue against him. Daddy moaned. He grabbed my head and pulled me straight into him over and over.  I continued to suck and let him use my little mouth. Faster and harder. It made my eyes all watery when he did this. Sometimes I made that sound like before you throw up. Gagging on him as he hit the very back of my throat. I felt Daddy tense up and I knew what was coming. But he pulled out instead and he slid his hand up and down his Daddy part until his Daddy cum came spurting out. He held a little purple dish and caught all of it in there.

“Such a good little kitty for Daddy.” He put the purple dish on the floor in front of me. Patted my head.

“You know what to do.”

And Daddy watched carefully as I licked and lapped that purple dish clean. I’m such a good little kitty cat (sometimes).

About the Author

GlassMenagerie has a love and fascination with the written word, and the way it has the power to elicit different feelings in the reader, especially desire.

The last year has been one of self-discovery as she stumbled upon the world of kink, and found the very things she had been craving down in her core, at last, began to make sense.

Writing most often about her journey as a submissive (identifying as a Babygirl and Little), she enjoys sharing her erotic fiction and poetry on Fetlife. Her work is sometimes a reflection of her past experiences or just her kinky mind running wild.

https://fetlife.com/users/8127037

This week in kink: October 1, 2018

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Check out these awesome items that will help turn your bedroom into your own dungeon!

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Consensual same sex relations now legal in Trinidad and Tobago

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American Horror Story touches on BDSM and torture

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Want to know more about corsets and waist trainers?

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