Kink Weekly

BDSM articles ideas bondage erotica resource

Home » protection

protection

Protection

By 5 Comments

Mistress Devore shot by Danny Stygion

This article can be filed under “controversial” and “opinion” because it falls into both categories. You can also file it under “important,” because I think it is essential to objectively examine the practice of Dominants placing submissives “under their protection.” Although the “New Guard” has made the “protection racket” less ubiquitous, it still is around enough to be of concern, especially when used for less than idealistic purposes.

First, let’s define what “protection” (often called “mentoring”) means. In theory, it is where an experienced Dominant selflessly protects and guides a submissive. In practice, it ranges all the way from honorable, experienced Dom/mes showing newbies the ropes while protecting him/her from predators (best-case scenario), all the way to conniving Dom/mes using it as a way to quickly become the “de facto Dominant” without any of the responsibilities of a Master/Mistress (worst-case scenario.) Protection has no historical basis in BDSM; I cannot find reference to it in “Old Guard” lore or anywhere else. It appears to be an Internet-inspired phenomenon; many of our younger lifestylers have no idea what “protection” is and isn’t. Maybe this can help explain this practice when they encounter it.

In its ideal manifestation, protection has much to recommend it. An experienced Dominant is the perfect person to guide a newbie through the daunting maze that is BDSM. He/she can show the new submissive the ropes while also screening out potential predators who might seek to take advantage of the newbie’s newness. (That is either a neat phrase or totally lame!) But, life is rarely ideal. For example, let’s say the protector is tasked with screening potential Dom/mes for the submissive. The most experienced Dom/me is neither all-seeing nor all-knowing. I would be more comfortable if the job of the protector were to consult with the sub regarding potential Dom/mes rather than screen them unilaterally.

This practice is just begging to be abused. After all, who is protecting the submissive from the protector? Protection can turn out to be less a teacher/student relationship than a version of “Dom/sub light.” (Of course, if this is what the sub seeks, then this is fine.) And in this situation, the Dom/me is able to take a sub off the market quickly and become the sub’s sole support system. He/she quickly becomes the sub’s de-facto Dom/me – without any responsibilities.

As with any social system, there are bound to be abuses. So, let’s give newbies a few tips that can help them choose a protector/mentor, should they decide to pick one.

  1. Look for red flags. If the protector says, “Don’t go on the Internet…don’t talk to this Dom/me or that Dom/me…give me all your passwords…I will screen your friends…I will control all your money…I am your sole source of information, etc.” Any one of these, especially anything having to do with your money, is a big red flag. Even if you are into the new, faddish FinDom/me experience, be wary of anyone accessing your bank info – unless you literally want to chase down your Chase funds!
  2. Both of your agendas should match. See if your potential protector has a hidden agenda that is at odds with yours. Is his/her primary motivation your well-being or is there another aspect to it? Often married men, or Doms with alpha slaves, will use protection as a way of rapidly snapping up an exclusive play partner. If this is acceptable to you, this is fine; otherwise, be forewarned. Make sure both of your agendas match. This is probably the most important aspect when picking a protector.
  3. Check out the protector’s reputation. Ideally, you should have a “protector protector.” As this is not only silly but also impractical, don’t jump under someone’s protection until you check him/her out. If you meet your protector at a local dungeon, ask around (including other subs.) If you met online, find real time people who know him/her and ask! The keyword is “ask.”
  4. Use your “bullshit-detector.” Don’t simply rely on detective work and testimonials alone. Use your bullshit-detector. (If you don’t have one, they are on sale, this week only, at Wal-Mart!) Does your gut tell you the Dom/me is honorable or is he/she being deceptive? Honesty is everything if you plan to trust someone else with critical decisions. So, trust your instincts – your built-in “bullshit detector.”
  5. Don’t be desperate. Often the worst abuse comes when a submissive is at an emotional low point and seeks a “protector” to help sort things out. This is a very human need. However, if you are desperate, it might attract predator Dom/mes who can sense your situation. Search with purpose, not with desperation.
  6. Protector should not be making demands. Ideally, a protector should be there to help you learn or heal, and he/she should not be making demands or asking for control. Unless this is what you want, this should be a red flag.
  7. Don’t get bum-rushed. If your potential protector says, “Now,” this is another red flag. He/she can wait a week or two; the world won’t end. (Although when I watch the news, I am not so sure about that!) Use the time to check the protector out, find out about him/her and negotiate. Which brings us to…
  8. Negotiate. Just as you should negotiate a Dom/sub relationship, you should negotiate the rules of protection. Don’t leave it as a vague concept that basically gives the “protector” more influence in your life than even a Dom/me! Be specific – set hard limits and specify where the protector’s areas of control and/or protection begin and end. For example, many subs want a protector to be with them at BDSM events and parties, so they don’t attend alone. This could be where the protector’s duties begin and end. Or, there could be more. No matter what, the protector’s obligations and limits should be negotiated.
  9. Have fun. As I have stressed over and over again here on kinkweekly.com, BDSM should be fun. If your protector makes the whole process “un fun,” you are losing out. The last thing you need is to make BDSM a chore. (Unless, if course you enjoy not having fun. In which case, disregard this tip!)

Although the concept of protection is an admirable one, one should never forget that one must always be vigilant. Not paranoid, vigilant. I hope these tips will keep you on your toes and, should you seek out a protector, you will choose wisely!

About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Protection

By 3 Comments

busted

No, this article isn’t about condoms or the Mafia protection racket. But, for a few of you, this could be one of the most important articles about BDSM you will ever read. Hyperbole, you ask? Maybe – but it could save you incredible expense and even jail time.

This headline was featured in the September 21, 2016 New York Post —

“Authorities picked up a kinky Soho couple Wednesday for extradition to Utah to face charges that they forced a brunette beauty into a S&M threesome in their hotel room while they were in town for the Sundance Film Festival.
Anne Harcastle, 27, and Michael Taylor, 45, have been held in jail since their Sept. 9 arrest for allegedly raping the 23-year-old woman. The lovebirds appeared in Manhattan Criminal Court separately and will take different flights to Utah, law-enforcement sources said.”

Note that these people might very well be innocent. They are, in point of fact, innocent until proven guilty. However, even if guiltless, they face significant legal fees to beat the rap, stiff civil fines and the possibility they could spend time in jail. (Obviously, if guilty, they deserve serious prison time.)

Since we do not know the particulars of this case, let us use this unfortunate incident (for at least some of the participants) for what is often called a “teachable moment.”

I have observed three innocent BDSM-oriented situations that could lead to this kind of disaster. But it is a calamity that can easily be prevented. Let’s examine these three scenarios; afterward, I will give you an effective way to “inoculate yourself.”

1. “Buyer’s remorse.” Here a newbie submissive/bottom interested in BDSM meets a Dom/Domme (off Craig’s List?) and agrees to play with him/her for the first time. After some heavy spanking and flogging, all seems well. Aftercare in place. The submissive goes home seemingly happy. Two days later, what were light markings turn black and blue. The pain increases. “This is not what I signed up for.” Enter a lawyer – or even police – when the submissive claims abuse. And there are marks to prove it. What should you have done to protect yourself? The answer — after the third scenario.

2. “Hell hath no fury…” After what appears to the sub to be a bonding S&M encounter, with whips and canes, the Top never calls – or even texts — the bottom again. “I gave him/her my body to use and he/she rejects me? I’ll show him/her.” Once again, armed with serious markings, the bottom is on the warpath. Poor Top. He/she is likely sunk.

3. “I thought I would like it.” The bottom in this case has no idea what to expect; “Fifty Shades of Grey” is her/his sole source of BDSM information. Even if given a safe word, he/she might not be skilled enough to use it. The flogging – and possibly sex – are exciting but go way past what she had envisioned. Next day, the bottom is in pain and thinks she really didn’t agree to all this. Once again, the sue-happy lawyers and the arrest- happy police make their unwelcomed entrance stage right.

So, could these legal/police endings – in these or similar situations — have been prevented? Assuming all these scenes were consensual, the answer usually is, “Yes!”

The key is that one must have evidence that these scenes were, in fact, consensual. In the pre-camera phone days, one needed to have the submissive sign a consensuality agreement complete with driver’s license information. But now, with iPhones, it is much easier.

Simply video the bottom stating that you are all friends and everything you are planning to do – including sex if that is on the program — is completely consensual. Have her/him hold up a driver’s license and you are good to go. If the bottom refuses, then you must make your decision whether to continue on or not. That is your call; but you have no protection. (If you are playing in a dungeon, the presence of witnesses would likely make this step unnecessary. We are discussing private play here. However, if you are a heavy player with a newbie, you might want to be doubly safe and take a quick consent video.)

Legally, one cannot consent to being beaten; and there are some conservative jurisdictions that might not accept a “consent defense.” Still, an agreement such as this “visual consent form” will likely stop all proceedings in its tracks. At the very least, you will “have a leg to stand on,” in pop legalize.

Usually, if the Top practices safe, sane and consensual BDSM, these problems will never arise. But, in the words of the Mafia boss in Martin Scorcese’s Casino, “Why take a chance?”

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.