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protocol levels

Overcoming Obstacles to General Acceptance Requires Focus on the D/s in BDSM

April 2, 2021 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

I am confident that there will come a time, when relationships with power dynamics will be commonly  accepted in our culture. We are already seeing signs of it in popular media: BDSM has become a bit  more “mainstream”; moving beyond its presence in fashion and showing up in more real ways. Power  dynamics are plots and sub-plots in the shows we view at home, in the movie theaters, and in books. 

BDSM is arriving, but not “all of it”. B&D and S&M are being depicted, but D/s is lagging far behind! In  many ways, it’s easier to depict BDSM without D/s. It’s relatively easy to have actors “do things to each  other” than to pull off the deeper character development needed to portray a committed D/s dynamic  convincingly and so, for impact value, ease of production, and perhaps out of lack of understanding,  media has embraced S&M and B&D and foregone the emotional commitment of D/s. 

This creates some issues, not the least of which is that the imagery of B&D and S&M, particularly as  portrayed within the media, is very closely aligned with the imagery of abuse, biker-outlaws, Nazism,  and psychotics! As someone who just wants to engage in consensual healthy power dynamics, this is quite troublesome. 

As I’ve pointed out previously, power dynamics in media, which is a critical first step in acceptance in  culture, is in its infancy. We are barely beginning to be introduced to characters of substance, who have a healthy interest in D/s; who do not have to be damaged by childhood trauma, or psychotic drive as an  excuse to enjoy open power exchange. Only barely…for most of the characters still suffer from some  aspect of that excuse, or are portrayed as comedic shills – wild, out-there characters who will push any  norm. We have not yet seen a character within a power dynamic, who does not require a “reason” for  being involved in it. It is not “normal” yet – and therefore needs an explanation to be believable. 

This is going to change. Much the way interracial relationships used to be verboten – then accepted with  excuse – and now presented everywhere, without calling any attention to itself; power dynamics will  eventually be portrayed as a matter of course – a sub-text – and nothing out of the ordinary. We will  eventually relate to the characters in such a way that they will be able to accept their interests without  need for explanation. We will get to the point where we won’t need to understand Joe and Mary’s  childhood experiences to accept that they are a happily married couple – and Mary chooses to serve Joe  as his submissive”. We’ll just accept that and be focused on the real plot of the show. 

I hope to live long enough to see the day…but I do believe it WILL happen. 

What are the obstacles standing in the way of making this happen? The first problem to overcome is to  establish that people can choose to be dominant or submissive without it reflecting a weakness or a flaw  in their character. We still seem to need an explanation – a reason why someone would want to stray from the perceived norm. The assumption is that there HAS to be something lacking or damaged in the personalities. 

There is a learned resistance to power dynamics that stems from society’s proactive attempts to  criminalize abuse. Due to the abolition of slavery, the emancipation of women, and the movement  against discrimination of all types – there is an overarching sensitivity to repression and imbalance. We  naturally want to repel any unfairness. However, conflating consensual power dynamics with these  examples of non-consensual abuse is misleading, and harmful.  

Even once we can clarify the difference between consensual power dynamics and non-consensual  abuse, there are still other obstacles to overcome. Gender bias very much sways acceptance. The  generalization is that men tend to be dominant and women tend to be submissive. Intellectually, we  know how wrong that stereotype is. It has been a high obstacle for rebellion in women’s rights activists  who have had to fight it. Even though our young generations are being raised without that assumption,  it’s still present and impacts the way media portrays the dynamics. 

If I were to present a show where Joe is Mary’s master, the audience would accept the premise. Of  course, the feminist mentality in all of us would challenge the producers with claims that the  relationship is setting back women’s independence by many years and there would be flack for allowing  the stereotype to be perpetuated, but no one would challenge the nature of the arrangement. The  audience would never challenge why Joe wants to be the dominant. They would even accept that Mary  is submissive. Dominance=masculinity…submission=femininity. 

But turn it around: Joe is Mary’s submissive. Suddenly, the audience will seek to find a rationale: WHY  does he want to be submissive? What is lacking from his masculinity? Is he “pussy-whipped”? Is he a  “mama’s boy” or Is he compensating for some childhood trauma? Is he looking for a release from the pressures of his otherwise dominant life? Furthermore, why would Mary want to be dominant? Is she a  radical feminist? Does she hate men? The audience will struggle figure out what’s driving these two to  make such a diversion. It’s viewed as “Role-Reversal” because the popular beliefs have been challenged. Gender bias is a huge obstacle. 

It’s also interesting that BDSM submission seems easier for the public to accept than dominance.  Dominance is viewed as the one “doing the doing”. This is the BDSM-mentality of doing things TO the  submissive. That’s the imagery. Under this assumption, people will “excuse” a submissive, by attributing  their acceptance as weakness in the presence of the power and persuasion of a determined dominant.  But the motivations of a dominant are immediately suspect and have no excuse. They are evil, power hungry Bond-villains, out to take over the world. They are psychotic sadists, who have to hurt to be whole. 

How does this change? How do we find BDSM relationships to be acceptable regardless of gender, and  be brought out from behind closed doors? How do we get to a point where submission and dominance are equally acceptable? 

I believe that a focus on D/s as the primary motivation for a couple, without the necessity of the imagery  of S&M and B&D, will begin to bridge acceptance. Establishing an emotional bond between two partners  in which one chooses to serve the other, will be more easily digested by the public. Most people have  felt the desire to serve another and most people will accept that allowing someone to serve you (who WANTS to serve you) can be a natural response. Most people will accept that you don’t have to be  psychotic to feel and desire consensual power dynamics. 

As we all know, B&D and S&M are OPTIONAL ACTIVITIES in a relationship with D/s power dynamics.  They are elected within the context of the power agreement. They will likely not be the only activities.  Portray this in the media, even though it’s much harder to do, and we will see a change in perception  and acceptance. Once the emotional bond is established in the minds of the viewers, they will accept it  as the motivation for any physical bondage that follows. So long as the D/s is the primary motivation,  the practices of B&D and S&M will be more readily acceptable and the public will not be dreaming up  more destructive rationale for the actions. And if they are not present at all, more people will be  exposed to, and understand, pure D/s dynamics…that can’t be a bad thing! 


Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Tagged With: bdsm contract, bdsm relationship, dominant, master, mistress, power exchange, protocol levels, protocols, rituals, slave, submissive, submissive headspace, submissive training

D/s Protocols

February 20, 2021 By SafferMaster 4 Comments

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Being a kinkster is as unique as a random dot on a page. What do I mean by that? If you think of the world of kink as represented by a sheet of paper. On one axis you have the range of fetishes and on the  other axis you have the range of intensities. If I look at my world of kink, the fetishes I am into and you  look at the intensity level of my kink life, you will be able to put a coin about the size of a silver dollar  over my preferences somewhere on the page.  

Take protocols. In simple terms, a protocol is defined as “a system of rules that explain the correct  conduct and procedures to be followed in formal situations” I am not motivated to have my submissive  do tasks for the sake of doing tasks. And at the same time, our life, in a 24/7 TPE dynamic, we have a  number of protocols in our life. Some are simple, for example, when my submissive goes off to work,  she wears a butt plug as a way of keeping me with her, and she is required to send me a good morning  message with a picture of her ass, butt plug inserted. This is especially true for us after marking her, she  is required to send me pictures of her marks every day. That is a protocol. Something I have asked her to  do for me as a matter of routine. I never have to ask her to send me a picture of her marks, our protocol is  that she just does so after being marked as a matter of protocol. And she sends me a message via  WeMinder (which I will talk more about in a minute) that she completed her task or duty.  

There are other Dom’s who have similar but different protocols that they have designed for their  preferred lifestyle. I interviewed a Dom who has his sub wash him in the shower and then she kneels  with his towel presented to him as he steps out of the shower. It is a simple gesture of submission, and  similarly to my sub, his sub does so as a matter of protocol without being asked.  

Some dynamics are extremely high protocol. To the point that the sub has to have permission to do  anything, including go to the bathroom. The degree of how intense the protocol dynamics are depend  on the needs of the partners and they must determine what works for them.  

Even though my submissive is collared, and even though this is TPE and a 24/7 dynamic, we actually  have numerous protocols that we have chosen to live with. Before I say more about that, I want to talk  about an app called WeMinder. This is an app that we use to track the protocols we have in play. We  interviewed Mako, the developer of the app on our podcast, Kinky Cocktail Hour, that you can listen to here: https://www.buzzsprout.com/962578/episodes/6206590.

Using this app, my submissive logs her  tasks and chores as she completes them, and it allows me to offer her feedback from praise to scolding,  and even punishment. She can also share her mood with me at any time and know instantly that I am  aware of how she is feeling. It’s a fantastic app for D/s couples who are protocol oriented. You can get  the app by visiting weminder.app and I recommend it highly and it’s very reasonably priced.  

When we engage in what we call “High Protocol” days, my submissive prepares for use the way she  normally does, she is a three hole slut and she is fully prepared for a prolonged scene. When she kneels for me, which is how she presents herself to be used, she offers up a cane for marking. Normally she  offers me her leash to attach to her collar, but in high protocol days, she gets chained with a heavy chain  before she is used and marked. During high protocol days, she is limited to being on all fours during play  and she is required to ask for cane strokes after her initial marking.  

Her tasks and chores are both designed to fulfill on her role as a service slut on one hand and on her  sexual submission inside of a sex forward, kink forward dynamic. Our daily maintenance spanking scene is a protocol. When I get into bed in the evening, she puts her head on my chest and cups my balls while  we talk about our day and the final act of our dynamic that lives in the world of protocol is that when it’s  time, she rolls over and we spoon and I take hold her breast, holding her close as we fall asleep. My  point is that start to finish, our days are filled with protocols. We divide the protocols into two broad  categories: Tasks and Chores. Tasks are things I might randomly task her with doing and that might be as  different as having her masturbate with the Hitachi every 30 minutes, or to do certain routine things for  me such as sending me a picture of her marks. Chores related to her duties around the house.  

Protocols live in the world of agreements. On one hand they are designed to give structure to the  dynamic and on the other, they are a natural evolution of a power exchange. My preference is to have  the protocols occur because they fulfill her desires, so to implement a new protocol, we talk about it  first, and I enroll her in the possibility that the protocol creates and then she does what I have requested  but she does so because it is what she wants to do.  

There is a very wide range of protocol implementation strategies in kink. It can be a very minor part of  your dynamic if that is what you prefer, or it can be the entirety of your dynamic if that is what you  prefer. I am going to make the observation that even in vanilla relationships there are protocols. For  instance when I was married, my ex-wife used to bring me coffee on a Sunday morning while I watched  soccer in bed. I came to expect this and it occurred routinely for years. I never asked her to do this, she  just started doing this small thing for me that made our lives more manageable. The way that that small  act occurred was that it was a loving action that made me feel appreciated even for just that moment. It  was indeed a protocol that existed during my vanilla marriage. My point is that spoken or unspoken we  operate with protocols all around us, the difference is that in a kink context, communication is the key  difference. A protocol is an agreement to do x or y, which requires that the Dom and sub are in  communication.  

Being in a dynamic is a power exchange. The sub surrenders his or her power to their Dom and then it is  up to the Dom to exercise that power appropriately. The sub wants to please. It is through protocols  that the Dom communicates to the sub what is expected and required for that behavior to land as  “pleasing” to the Dom. The sub knows where they stand. They know what is needed and expected. If  they are committed to the dynamic, then they will fulfill the protocols. If there is space or distance  and the protocols start to break down, then it gives the Dom something to address to get at the root of the upset.  

I keep making this point: our kink is really communication. We talk about our dynamic almost every day.  We plan, revisit, debrief, dream, vision share, and so on. The reason our protocols are in place is  because we have made a series of agreements around our dynamic.  

A good place to start is to sit down facing each other and do this drill. One partner asks the other partner  what they want done to them and then asks what they want to do to you, and then switch roles. Take  notes and then use those notes to talk about each of those ideas and make agreements about those  that make sense to you to implement into your dynamic.  

A D/s power exchange works best for all concerned when the communication is clean. We have a  commitment to each other to allow no space between us. We are each responsible for keeping that  structure in our dynamic and we have found, as will you, that the use of protocols keeps the dynamic humming along.


SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching options.  

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

The Patreon is also a way to sign up: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground 

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast platforms

Above is a link to their podcast!

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm contract, bdsm relationship, dominant, fetish, high protocol, kink, power exchange, protocol dynamic, protocol levels, protocols, rituals, submissive

Low Protocol And Power Exchange

December 12, 2020 By Christmas Bunny 2 Comments

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It began in baby steps.  Our dynamic was very much an experiment, with each movement forward and each step of the way tested before the full weight of the relationship was brought to bear upon it. 

It was a scary amount of power to give up.  I came into the relationship a business owner, and began a second venture about a year in.  Handing the metaphorical reins over to another when my hard work of years was on the line was a truly terrifying thing to even contemplate.   It came part and parcel of our TPE, however, and I had to trust that he would allow me to continue to make decisions without his interference.

Part of owning a business is having to interact with others in various ways, be it as the customer service representative who is discussing a potential order, as the cashier handling payment, as the scheduler booking classes, as the manager attending to someone’s satisfaction, as the artisan building product and providing updates, or in educational capacities, both online and in-person.  That’s a lot of hats, and they require a certain amount of freedom of action on my part.  It has necessitated trust on his part that I would make decisions and behave in ways of which he would approve without having to have specific protocols in place to govern those actions.

As someone who has grown to become firmly embedded in my local community, I see an incredibly wide variety of levels of protocol.  Some are required to ask prior to leaving the presence of their master, some are required to follow protocols which govern their interactions with others in various settings.  Perhaps it is a set protocol involving carrying packages or interacting with waitstaff or asking permission prior to speaking and touching friends or strangers within kink settings.  Interestingly enough (and this is a conversation I have had with friends on occasion, because many of us are fascinated by the differences in how relationships are built), many of the dynamics I have observed which involve a small business seem to run with a lower degree of formality and protocol, perhaps out of that same necessity.

If I must receive permission to speak to individuals prior to doing so, even ones of specified gender, and my partner is away from our vendor table, I would quickly become ineffective as a merchant.  I would be unable to answer questions or complete a sale.  The same holds true of online interactions.  It would effectively make the business I run hobbled during his regular work hours until he could handle the aspects I was not permitted to attend to without him.  That would lead to additional stress, and I ask a great deal of him as my business partner already.  While he does make those decisions, he has chosen to leave many of the finer details up to me, limiting the majority of his participation to financial decisions such as inventory purchases, and to customer interactions in order to keep me from using my energy and focus up in those areas rather than in completing projects.

The leaves much of our dynamic very informal, from a protocol standpoint.  Fortunately, that works well for our personalities and the way we fit together.  While I sometimes feel that our low protocol interactions can be mistaken for a more casual relationship, which can bring with it a feeling of being less than, I remind myself that some of those stares may be from envy for what may appear to be a higher level of freedom. 

Make no mistake, however.  He holds full authority over me, regardless of the appearance of casualness our low protocol level may give outsiders.  It is so important for us all to remember that each relationship, each dynamic forms as it works best for the individuals in question.  For some, that may mean there are specific rituals and protocols dictating large portions of their actions.  For others, such as us, that total power exchange may rely more on the granted authority of the top-of-slash rather than any formalized behaviors.  We all have to determine what works best for us as individuals and as couples or relationship groups, and build from that foundation.


Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm play, bdsm property, bdsm punishment, bdsm relationship, contracts, dominant, domme, fetish, kink, master, mistress, power exchange, protocol, protocol levels, rituals, sex, slave, slave contracts, slave positions, slave training, submissive

Different Levels of Protocol

December 11, 2017 By Jenn Masri 2 Comments

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I’ve written before about protocol – but this article is to go into the subject a little further.  I want to talk about different levels of protocol.  Low (or everyday) protocol, medium protocol, and high protocol.  Keep in mind that one person’s “medium” can be another person’s “high” or someone else’s “low”. Also, some D/s relationships may choose to maintain medium or high protocols and not allow low protocol with perhaps just a few exceptions. I will describe these categories with various examples to give you a general idea of what I’m talking about.

Low/everyday Protocol

This refers to the most casual form of protocols.  These may include protocols that aren’t as obvious to the vanilla world. Or being in “low protocol” may simply mean you aren’t adhering to most of your protocols with a few exceptions, like coffee service for example.

Medium Protocol

For many people in D/s relationships this may be their everyday protocol or for some it may be the protocols that they adhere to whenever they are at a kink event.

High Protocol

Typically this level of protocol is followed when attending a high protocol kink event.  It also may be used for specific periods of time (eg, high protocol weekend) or specific situations (eg, hosting a high protocol dinner).

So what would this perhaps look like in reality?  I’m going to use one type of protocol as an example and explain how it would be done in low vs medium vs high.

Let’s start with a fun one – bathroom protocol!  Lol  If this is a protocol that’s followed then the low/everyday version may be that the s-type must let the D-type know that they are using the restroom.  The medium version is the one many people are more familiar with.  This would be where the s-type must ask permission to use the restroom.

Wondering what the heck high protocol would look like?  Some people think it may be that the s-type isn’t allowed to go to the restroom.  Not quite.  Typically it may look like the s-type isn’t using the restroom, when in reality they are simply having to wait for permission to use the restroom – they may not ask.  This, of course, means that the D-type needs to pay close attention!

Another example would be protocol about where the s-type locates themselves around the D-type.  In low protocol the s-type may be required to stand or sit to the left of their D-type.  In medium protocol perhaps they must stand or sit to their left in a specific position.  In high protocol perhaps there is an added protocol that the s-type always sits on the floor at the D-types’ feet whether the D-type is standing or sitting.

These are just a couple of simple examples – something to give you an idea of how protocols can be used in different ways.  As I mentioned before – these are general examples, one person may treat the medium bathroom protocol as their high protocol, etc.

You can also use different collars to represent the level of protocol you’re in.  For example – when in low protocol perhaps the s-type wears an everyday, or casual, collar.  In medium protocol situations there may be a more traditional or fetish collar used.  In high protocol the s-type may wear a fetish collar or perhaps a posture collar is used.  These various collars still represent the same relationship dynamic.

Added note – in some circumstances protocols of any kind are more difficult.  Vanilla settings, family functions, etc.  Some people may decide to temporarily remove protocols or come up with “vanilla protocols” that represent the protocols they have in place but that are very discreet or aren’t noticeable.  For example, they have a protocol in place where the s-type must ask permission to start eating.  This may be viewed unfavorably by a more mainstream crowd.  So, instead, they decide that the s-types way of “asking permission” is to comment about how good the meal looks/smells, etc.  Then the D-types way of “giving permission” is by agreeing that the food look/smells delicious.  Nobody is the wiser but the D/s couple has stuck to their protocol, under the radar.

I hope this gives a bit more insight as to how protocols can be used in different ways.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Tagged With: D/s, protocol, protocol levels

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