psychology

This week in kink: January 11, 2020

January 10, 2021 By Desdemona 2 Comments

Feeling lonely and isolated during the pandemic?

Want to meet more people?

Then, check out this awesome list of the best hook-up sites from Reader!

https://www.chicagoreader.com/chicago/top-20-hookup-sites-that-actually-work-and-get-you-laid/Content?oid=85357620

Many think that being a kinkster is linked to trauma. However, a recent scientific study has disbanded this ideology.

Click below to read more from Big Think!

https://bigthink.com/sex-relationships/bdsm-psychology-trauma

BDSM has become more normalized in recent years (key word being “more.” In a lot of areas it’s still not widely accepted, and is still viewed as deviant/taboo).

With this being said, Feminism in India touches on the normalization of kink, feminism, dominance/submission, history, and how this all relates to the expression of sexuality, gender, and the current political climate.

Click below to find out more!

We Need To Talk About The Normalisation Of BDSM

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Video: BDSM Therapy by a Dominatrix

August 30, 2020 By New York Post 2 Comments

Dominatrix, Lia Holmgren, gives couples an unconventional type of therapy to help spice up their love lives.

She conducts what she calls “apartment therapy” to help couples achieve their darkest fantasies in a safe, healthy, and cathartic manner.

Dominatrix Whips Couples into Shape with BDSM Therapy | New York Post

Watch this video on YouTube

Fetishsexuality – Making the Case for Kink as Sexual-Identity: Part 2

June 4, 2018 By Galen Fous 6 Comments

www.voxart9.com

For Part 1 Click Here

Do You Have a Personal Erotic Myth That Drives Your Kink?

In Part 1, I argued for the validity of Fetishsexuality as an authentic sexual identity. I proposed that each individual Fetishsexual has an inherent Personal Erotic Myth that drives their arousal.

I base this theory, in great part, on the research data from over 4,000 participants who’ve taken the Discover Your Personal Erotic Myth Survey.

A Personal Erotic Myth (PEM), as I model it, is an inherent psychological/sexual structure in the unconscious that contains the fantasy imagery, epic storylines, archetypal mythic personas, props, attire, dialogue, setting, and actions, from primal to refined, that drive a person who has a PEM to orgasm or other deep erotic state.

These mythic representations are most notably expressed in contemporary Fetish, Kink, D/s, and BDSM where archetypal and symbolic personifications abound.

A PEM can take many forms, but to a great extent will include paired personas in some form of power-exchange such as Master/slave, Mommy/son, FemDom/cuckold, Daddy/daughter, Teacher/student, and a pantheon of other variations.

These pairings of two or more may be further differentiated through an array of emerging gender and alternative sexual identities. Some people identify as Switches, and can cross back and forth between the poles of power-exchange as they wish.

One’s Personal Erotic Myth generally includes action, dialogue, tone of voice, a particular gaze, body language, props, attire and context that yearns to be expressed. These can occur in never-ending variations.

These yearnings may be out of conscious view for many people. They may be held behind sex-negative fear, shame, or trauma the person has experienced around their sexuality-just below conscious awareness. Until nearing orgasm anyway!

In those last minutes or so before cumming, the rich truth of one’s Eros, no matter how well hidden, can no longer be held back. It bursts forth and animates the body in wild, fierce gestures. It explodes from the voice in a truncated blasphemy such as…”Oh god, fuck me, YES!, please, harder, deeper, or take it, slut, whore, bitch” as the case may be, or less decipherable, primitive grunts and screams. This is just a climactic sound byte from the full story of Personal Erotic Myth being expressed internally.

For someone who is a Fetishsexual, expressing their desire is not scripting and acting out a part. It is not just role-playing. It is literally embodying this alter erotic persona that they authentically possess, and allowing it the unencumbered space to express fully in word, deed, and action with a consenting partner.

These archetypal personas operating within one’s PEM are already intact and whole within the individual’s personal unconscious. These parts of the erotic psyche already know generally what they desire to do and say to the erotic counterpart they are engaging. It knows what implements, attire, setting and other elements are common to their mythic erotic story. And, when enacted from a state of presence, is a totally creative, spontaneous, authentic, sexual entity. It may be quite distinct from one’s everyday persona.

The key polarity of Dom/sub also references the major archetypal personas that have been part of the collective unconscious for thousands of years. The King/Queen or loyal subject/devotee archetypes for example.

Many of the erotic themes and archetypal personas that occur in the individual PEM can be found globally throughout the gene pool throughout history.

They have been known and utilized by humans in ritual ceremonies, and as a mainstay of cultural literature and cosmology for thousands of years. This universal, collective nature of archetypes and myths has been an integral aspect of all human experience since recorded history, and has been well- noted by Carl Jung, Margaret Mead, Joseph Campbell and many others.

These major archetypes, symbols, and mythic cosmological stories are shared by diverse cultures all over the world. They are part of the human software already embedded in our unconscious.

We may not pay conscious attention to this symbolic dimension of our experience, but we do respond and resonate to these myths, archetypes, and symbols in ancient or contemporary form, as we do to symbols of all sorts coming from our inner and outer worlds.

Think of how the pixels on the 2 dimensional surface of a screen in a movie theater can be arranged into interacting characters, symbols, and epic stories that evoke authentic laughter, tears, anger, and other passions.

The universal nature of these internal, archetypal personas, dispersed throughout the gene-pool, explains why someone with even the most obscure Kink interest can and does find others from a similar sexual tribe. On a site like Fetlife, for example, there are hundreds, if not thousands, of groups representing individuals with a certain twist on Kink.

There can be 50 to 10,000 members in a particular Kink interest group. The point is these groups are actively populated with people of the same desire. These individuals are connecting, partnering in long-term relationships, and building new communities based on their shared desires for a particular range of Kink.

Before the internet this was impossible. This is how the sexual cat has been let out of the bag, I would say, in a way unprecedented in the history of civilization!

I believe it is conceivable that the roots of our wildest sexual desires, and the archetypal figures they manifest, extend far into our evolutionary heritage of mammalian alpha/beta pecking order instincts, and deeper into predator/prey reptilian level instincts.

Why these heritages and primal dimensions of our psyche have become eroticized is still a great mystery.

However, to me, it is clear that we encompass aspects of our sexuality related to power exchange from both hot-blooded mammalian territorial dominance and submission enactments, to cold-blooded, reptilian, predator/prey sadistic/masochistic expressions.

These mythic, often unconscious, structures of our Erotic desire find their way to the surface through our fantasies when we engage sexually, where they can drive one to orgasm or to other deep, erotic states.

When engaged consciously and allowed to be expressed and embodied authentically with a consenting partner, these fierce explorations of our dark, wild instinctual edges can offer a profound sense of empowerment, acceptance, and bliss from either side of the slash of power exchange. If you are curious to learn more about your or your partner’s inner, sexual psyche, check out the free and anonymous Discover Your Personal Erotic Myth Survey. (http://GalenFous.com/pem ) .

You can also support our ongoing Kink-positive research by sharing the survey with your own networks.

Help us shed more light on this misunderstood dimension of human sexuality. Your support of the Discover Your Personal Erotic Myth research project is greatly appreciated!

About Galen Fous MTP

Kink-Positive Therapist, Author, Educator & Sex Researcher

Galen regularly speaks at universities, grad schools and conferences about sexuality and Kink. He offers AASECT and APA approved CE classes for therapists on various accredited online educational platforms. His research focuses on understanding the unconscious psychological dynamics of Kink, Fetish and D/s-BDSM sexuality. Galen Has a Masters in Transpersonal Psychology from ITP.

He works with clients within a Transpersonal psychology framework that helps individuals and couples get honest, shame-free and confident in expressing their authentic sexuality. Galen helps clients shift from compulsive, dishonest, risky sexual behaviors to negotiated, consensual authentic sexual practices. This framework includes resolving the embedded fear, shame and judgments entangling one’s desire.

An important component of his research into the nature of Fetishsexual and Kink desire is the development of the Discover Your Personal Erotic Myth Survey. ( http://galenfous.com/pem ) This ground-breaking and ongoing research survey with over 4000 participants so far, is the first study that begins to document the mythic archetypal aspects of Fetishsexuality by mapping of the sexual unconscious.

Galen’s latest book, “Decoding Your Kink – Guide to Explore, Share and Enjoy Your Wildest Sexual Desires” has been praised by sexual psychologists and educators as “Visionary …Masterful …Groundbreaking …Cutting Edge…Worth its Weight in Diamonds … Highly Recommended…A Must Read!” He is also the author of “The Sharp Edge of Love – Extreme Sex, Mythic Passion, Primal Intensity. Learn more at http://galenfous.com

In 2000, he introduced the world renowned Tetruss Shibari Suspension-Bondage Rig, Portable Dungeon, and Sex Swing, the world’s most versatile adult toy. (http://Tetruss.com)

Fetishsexuality – Making the Case for Kink as Sexual-Identity: Part 1

May 28, 2018 By Galen Fous 9 Comments

www.voxart9.com

A few weeks back Kink Weekly posted an announcement about the Discover Your Personal Erotic Myth Survey. The focus was on the research analysis about to begin on the data from @4000 participants that have responded. It will be one of the largest Kink-focused research projects of its kind.

I wanted to discuss here why this type of research can be relevant for people exploring or actively living their Kink-sexuality.

The intent of the survey is to help people learn to deeply explore and embrace their personal sexual truths, Kink and otherwise.

Many participants been found the survey to be a useful tool in helping them gain insights into the specific nature of their sexual desires, particularly those in the more Kink-driven end of the scale. They could begin to identify specifics of what was compelling and what was not. Participants reported they were able to identify more clearly what resists or stands in the way of honest expression of their desires, and explore other relevant considerations to express their desires consensually with a partner.

I believe embracing the depths of our sexuality is critical to our personal well-being, our relationships, and our culture.

Everyone has a sexual birthright. No government, religion, culture, spouse, nor family member has any right to deny any individual their inherent right to be who they are sexually. This assumes their sexual engagements are enacted in conscious, negotiated, and impeccably consensual ways.

Sexual rights are human rights. Our sexuality, particularly the potent depths available through Kink should be celebrated, and explored often.

Shame, fear, and past trauma around our sexuality should be prudently and compassionately expelled from the body, mind, and soul like a disease.

I have been immersed in being a public and vocal advocate for our sexual rights for nearly 20 years. I am out 24/7 as an author, educator, Kink-positive therapist, and researcher in my professional life, and in my personal lifestyle, as a Kink-oriented man. I am a Dominant Erotic Sadist!

Though the research is preliminary, I believe that Kink, or what I call Fetishsexuality, is a life-long, inherent, innate sexual identity for some percentage of the gene-pool.

A Fetishsexual by my definition, is a person driven to orgasm or other deep erotic state through their innate, inherent, life-long desire for a particular range of primal or refined dominance, submission, sadism, masochism, and other archetypal, symbolic, mythic story-driven erotic expressions. I call this the internal sexual construct for an individual-their Personal Erotic Myth.

Fetishsexuality is on the same level, by the same criteria, that straight, bi, gay, or lesbian is considered an authentic sexual identity, as defined by the American Psychological Association.

The APA currently only focuses on identity in relation to gender, but I feel sexual-identity needs to be expanded in this era to allow for a broader context.

I have worked with hundreds of clients over the last 18 years, whose clear desire and intent was to come to terms with, explore, and understand their Kink-driven desires free of shame, fear, and past trauma.

Based on my direct experiences with clients and the findings from the Discover Your Personal Erotic Myth Survey, I hope to illuminate how and why Fetishsexuality is an innate aspect of certain people’s sexual psyche.

Kink can and should be practiced in a conscious, aware, mature, healthy manner by those so inclined. There are considerable depths of personal empowerment and healing that conscious engagement of one’s Fetishsexuality may offer (at least for the portion of the human gene-pool that I believe are innately and authentically Fetishsexuals).

The Discover Your Personal Erotic Myth research project will also examine the ways and evidence that unconscious personal and collective archetypes (Predator/prey, Mistress/slave, Daddy/daughter, Mommy/son et al), symbols (collars, dungeons, chains, belts, etc), and mythic erotic story-lines (being captured, held captive, being bare bottom spanked by an authority figure, worshiping an elevated figure) are commonly woven into the fabric of authentic Fetishsexuality.

The research will also examine the ways that threads of unconscious, embedded shame, trauma, fear, and judgment get tangled up and inhibit or thwart authentic sexual expression.

Such entanglements, if left unaddressed, can lead to the problematic shadow manifestations of our sexual expression – sexual secrecy, dishonesty, compulsivity, repression, boundary violations, self-harm, and more.

Until a few decades ago, any but the most fundamental sexual activities had been classified either by law, religion, or mental health providers as deviant, immoral, or in psychological terms, a paraphilia.

In other words, most people engaging in Fetishsexual practices were considered to be engaging in either an illegal or an immoral act or had a psychological disorder or all three.

Even though the DSM-V has de-pathologized and de-listed most consensual adult Kink interactions as paraphilias, there are many sectors within current psychological, legal, political, and social institutions that still display rampant Kinkphobia!

However, in these current times, the landscape of sexual identity and the pantheon of sexual practices an adult may choose or naturally participate in have been coming into a better and broader focus.

It is my opinion that the previous theories of human sexuality are not effective at holding the burgeoning reality of human sexuality that has erupted over the last 30 years since the dawn of the Internet Era.

I further believe that recognizing Fetishsexuality as a sexual identity would pave the way for more nuanced and effective psychological models of the sexual psyche to take shape, and hopefully lead to new therapeutic models that better support one in embracing their sexual authenticity, and healing all the ways it may have been traumatized, condemned, judged, feared, hated, or hidden.

It is time to update academic sexual theory and psychological therapy to include 21st century sexuality!

Further, with the sanction as a recognized sexual identity the potential to be slandered as a pathological deviant for being into Kink can be greatly reduced, if not eliminated.

Not having this designation can and does lead to profound impacts in real world battles in divorces, parenting rights, employment, and housing discrimination as well as many other areas of life.

Witness the ongoing, brutal history of the gay and lesbian movements fighting for their legal rights in all regards. The Kink communities are about where the gay, lesbian, and trans communities were 60 years ago.

To the greatest extent, my professional work seeks to help people untangle their authentic life-long Kink desires from the embedded shame, fear, and harsh judgments that may strongly resist or completely inhibit their desire.

Everyone should be encouraged to proudly claim their sexual birthright. Too many don’t.

In my client practice it has not been unusual for clients in their 40s or 50s to divulge that I am the first person they had ever revealed their desire to. For decades, they had hidden their desires from their partners, families, friends, and traditional therapists.

It did not feel safe to even talk about their desires, let alone enact them. This damaging fear of speaking honestly about something so absolutely integral to life and human fulfillment must be put to rest.

It is the intent of my work to contribute to creating a safer therapeutic, academic, political, and social environment for people to share their sexual truths without fear of being harshly judged, condemned, or ostracized.

It is up to each of us to take a stand in whatever ways we are able against the outdated, Kinkphobic laws and moral codes that inhibit claiming our sexual birthright. We need to take a stand so everyone can freely, joyously, and ecstatically express their sexuality- Kink and otherwise.

You can learn more about how I work with clients, my research, blog, and my highly acclaimed book, Decoding Your Kink – Guide to Explore, Share and Enjoy Your Wildest Sexual Desires, by clicking on the link below.

http://galenfous.com

Click here for Part 2

About Galen Fous MTP

Kink-Positive Therapist, Author, Educator & Sex Researcher

In 2000, he introduced the world renowned Tetruss Shibari Suspension-Bondage Rig, Portable Dungeon, and Sex Swing, the world’s most versatile adult toy. (http://Tetruss.com)

One bottom’s Trigger is Another’s Therapy

August 29, 2016 By Jenn Masri 1 Comment

BDSM play is done for many reasons from the bottom side of the slash. Catharsis, sexual fulfillment, a natural high, or plain old fun. Perhaps as a way to push personal limits and boundaries. Another reason people play is because it can be therapeutic. Either consciously or sub-consciously. Someone might use play in general (as opposed to a specific kind of play) to help them push through anxiety, find “permission” to let out their bottled up emotions, or learn how to trust. Bottoms can also use more specific play to work through past or childhood traumas. Something I see often is when the bottom will recreate a past trauma or pieces of it in their scenes – or simply be “really into that” as a part of their relationships, etc. The difference now being, of course, that they are the ones in control.

For example, a woman is raped with the threat of a knife being used on her and getting held down by her throat. That same woman playing in the scene may create scenes or ask for types of play from her partner(s) that reenacts, if you will, the rape. She may really be into rape play or knife play. Choking or breath play may be something that turns her on. However, now she is in control. Unlike when she was actually raped, she can call red and it all stops. In addition, she may find some healing in that she is experiencing these acts with a trusted partner.
On the other hand, take a different woman with the same experience of rape. She could go the opposite direction. For this woman, bottoming in a consensual-non consent, rape, even rough sex scene could be a huge trigger. Knife play of any kind may be a hard limit, as well as choking. Perhaps even having a hand near her throat causes panic and anxiety.

The point of this is that no bottom is the same and you can’t assume that just because many bottoms enjoy a type of play that all, or even most, of them do. This takes me back to talking about consent and why it’s imperative you don’t start play without it. I’ve seen a D-type walk up to a bottom and grab them by the hair. What if that bottom had the experience I described above and hair pulling had been a part of her abuse/trauma and now is a major trigger?

If something causes you to panic please don’t continue to do it and try to find someone to talk to. However, if a type of play, or play in general, seems to be helping you process trauma or abuse you have suffered or gives you a sense of empowerment then, by all means, I say do it. Just make sure it’s with people you trust. If it’s on that conscience level then maybe even talk to them about why you enjoy that type of play. If you have a therapist talk about it. Combining the play with communication is even more powerful than either alone.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

psychology

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