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Using BDSM To Cope With Trauma

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Many folks have found therapeutic benefits to practicing BDSM.

We, at KinkWeekly, have published many articles on just that.

Click below to find out more about how BDSM can aide with the effects of being a trauma survivor!

***Please note, that BDSM is usually not the only thing needed to treat the effects of trauma. BDSM can help, but is usually not the only therapeutic modality needed.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mo4mF-17lVQ

This week in kink: November 16, 2020

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Most things including The Porn Industry have been altered due to the Covid-19 Crisis.

This week, New Statesman gives us the skinny on the rise of OnlyFans during the pandemic and what that means on a grander level.

Click below to find out more!

How OnlyFans became the porn industry’s great lockdown winner – and at what cost
The sex industry is booming, by which I don’t just mean the straightforward buying and selling of real-life sex. The online porn industry has grown ever larger as it has come to offer more and more extreme content, the sexualisation of entertainment and advertising continually pushes new limits, and businesses such as the high street retailer Ann Summers have successfully monetised the mainstreaming of BDSM. We are seeing this rapid growth and diversification of the sex industry partly as a consequence of the digital revolution, and partly as a consequence of business innovation. For instance, one of the pleasurable things about BDSM, from a business perspective, is that it so often demands kit. Ann Summers – whose partnership with the Fifty Shades of Grey franchise proved highly lucrative – offers a six-piece “bondage set” for £60, which includes a flogger, blindfold, ball gag, ankle cuffs, handcuffs and rope. To this could be added dozens of other items from the Ann Summers BDSM range, from multi-chain nipple clamps (£15) to hog ties (£10). At the top end of the market, Agent Provocateur has also dipped its toes into the sexual sadism market, with a £450 set of rose gold handcuffs and, for the real connoisseur, the Xenses Lilith Diamonds & Gold whip can be purchased for £4,382.22 (engraved initials optional). Who knew sexual liberation could be so profitable? The Covid-19 crisis has accelerated this commercialisation of sexual intimacy, with one of the great winners of the past six months being the British-owned tech company OnlyFans, a platform that allows “creators” (overwhelmingly women) to earn money by giving “users” (overwhelmingly men) subscription access to online content, most of which is pornographic. OnlyFans offers what should best be understood as the “girlfriend experience” of porn. Successful creators sell not just explicit content, but also the impression of authentic personality. Creators are expected to message users privately, and perhaps remember their birthdays, or their children’s names, thus offering the illusion of intimacy. OnlyFans provides temporary relief, not only from sexual frustration, but also loneliness, which is a key reason for its lockdown success. [see also: How the rich and famous stole OnlyFans from sex workers] Every now and again, a tweet by a previously unknown OnlyFans creator will go viral, as she (always she) shares photos of the house she has been able to buy “thanks to OnlyFans”. But as the blogger Thomas Hollands has found in his detailed analysis of the OnlyFans model, such rags-to-riches cases are unusual. According to Hollands’s interpretation of the data, most of the women on the platform probably make a loss, given the amount of time they spend creating content and engaging with users. The median creator attracts only 30 subscribers, but she carries just as much risk of public exposure and harassment as her more successful counterparts. The same amount of effort goes in, but a very different level of reward comes out. The distribution of income on OnlyFans is highly unequal, with the top 1 per cent of creators making 33 per cent of the money. Using the Gini index – a standard measure of economic inequality – Hollands finds OnlyFans to be more unequal than South Africa, the most unequal country in the world. The tiny minority of creators who do well on the platform are mostly celebrities already, meaning the women who post “thanks to OnlyFans” success stories on social media are not representative of ordinary creators, but are rather more like those rare punters who walk out of a casino as millionaires, having put it all on red. We shouldn’t be surprised by this. OnlyFans depends upon the commodification of sexual intimacy. It does not profit from promoting the well-being of its users or creators, but rather from encouraging growth: more content, more subscriptions, more time spent on the site. The historian David Courtwright has coined the term “limbic capitalism” to describe a technologically advanced but socially regressive business system in which global industries, often with the help of complicit governments and criminal organisations, encourage excessive consumption and addiction. They do so by targeting the limbic system, the part of the brain responsible for feeling… Limbic capitalism is the reason the most successful apps are brightly coloured like fresh fruit and glint like water. Our primitive brains helplessly seek out the stimuli we have evolved to be attracted to, and the beneficiaries of limbic capitalism have become wise to these instincts, learning over time how best to capture them. Junk food, gambling, video games, smoking, opioids, all of these tap into our longing for nourishment, excitement and pleasure, but do so while draining the consumer of health, happiness and – most importantly – money. The sex industry is the ultimate form of limbic capitalism, feeding not only on our desire for sex, but sometimes also on our desires for novelty or companionship or self-harm or the degradation of other people. Few consumers will be truly unaware of the abuses that go on within the sex industry, but how many are aware of the ways in which the industry manipulates not only its workers, but also its consumers? It is not by chance, for instance, that one particular iteration of the rise of limbic capitalism in the form of BDSM porn has coincided with a rise in women reporting unwanted acts of sexual aggression such as choking. Algorithms that push consumers towards ever more novel, ever more addictive content are designed to produce profit, not happiness. Which is why we should always ask, when faced with any new sexual fashion or product: why do I really desire this? And, in the end, cui bono?
www.newstatesman.com

Dutch News reports that all non-consensual sexual acts will now be considered rape.

In our opinion this is great news because rape and/or molestation can be so much more than violent sexual acts and/or attempts. Rape and molestation truly come down to non-consensual sexual behavior.

This is definitely a step in the right direction. Click below to find out more!

All non-consensual sex to be classed as rape in new law

For so many BDSM can help with PTSD, anxiety, OCD, etc.

This week, Huff Post brings us a story about how Kate O’Kelly used BDSM to take control of her life after her assault.

Click below to learn more about this powerful story!

HuffPost is now a part of Verizon Media
HuffPost is part of Verizon Media. We and our partners will store and/or access information on your device through the use of cookies and similar technologies, to display personalised ads and content, for ad and content measurement, audience insights and product development.
www.huffingtonpost.co.uk

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

How BDSM Can Help PTSD

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Photo by slave boy julia (sjstudio1.com)

Those who suffer from PTSD (Post-traumatic stress disorder) often make choices that are unhealthy and/or dangerous due to low self esteem, picking the demon they know rather than the unknown, panic/panic attacks, and/or thinking they deserve nothing more than to continue traumatic experiences.

People often self sabotage, get back with unhealthy exes, pick abuse over breaking free, practice unsafe sex practices, cater to their addictions, and many other damaging scenarios, to blot out the pain that they are feeling, to minimize the flashbacks, to not feel the weight of being abused/traumatized.

They often continue this unhealthy cycle of sweeping their torment under the rug, and hoping that it will magically go away on its own. However, it does not work like that. Normally things left undealt with only increase in size over time, and often become too large and overwhelming to be handled healthily without professional help.

Our demons are always there; it’s our job to find a way to healthily and effectively deal with them before they devour us, and/or before they have grown too powerful to take on.

I have found that BDSM can help break this cycle. Before I found BDSM, and before I met my Master, I would deal with my pain in all sorts of unhealthy ways-unhealthy dating patterns, unhealthy sex patterns, operating on low self esteem and abandonment issues alone. My self worth was very low due to the family and sexual trauma I had experienced.

I was caught in this vicious cycle of making myself the victim, and creating this webbed mess that always needed to be cleaned up. It seemed I just couldn’t get on the straight and narrow because of the pain that lived inside of me.

But through playing with my Master and being my Master’s slave, I have been shown that there is a healthy way to deal with the pain. Now, I also go to therapy, see a psychiatrist, read a lot of self-help books, exercise five times a week, communicate with my Master about these issues daily, and part of our contract is dedicated to my recovery. With this being said, I am saying that our BDSM has helped my PTSD, but I am in NO WAY saying it should be the only thing one uses to get over their traumas. However, it can be used as a coping strategy and trust builder for those that have been seriously wounded in tandem with other methods like the ones listed above.

PTSD can generate a lot of fear and feelings of general distrust. I used to fear that everyone would hurt me. Through our BDSM play, I have been show that even though my Master is inflicting consensual “pain” on me, I am still loved, and he would never actually hurt me. Every time we engage in breath play, he’s never actually trying to damage my windpipes. When we practice spanking, hitting, slapping, flogging, or any other form of impact it is for our enjoyment, and never for harm’s sake. My Master actually has mentioned on countless occasions that if I did not enjoy being a masochist, he would not want to continue being a sadist.

When I am objectified, called a slut, whore, sex toy, it is coming from the love that we have in our dynamic. It is consented to and appreciated. It is never coming from an abusive or non-consensual place.

After we engage in play, we always lie with another, talk about how much we mean to one another, and relive the scene we had just created. We often talk about things we liked and what we want to do again. If anything were to occur that we didn’t like we would talk about that too (However, this rarely happens since my Master knows me very well). It is so relieving to feel him close to me, holding me.

The trust, care, love, and respect make these actions satisfying, and help to heal any wounds made by others that once upon a time did these things to me non-consensually, and without any rendition of love, care, respect, or trust.

I have found that it is not the action that is traumatizing, it is the intent, core value(s), and virtue(s) driving it.

BDSM and the values of the Kink/BDSM Community can provide a safe space to work through our traumas in a healthy and safe manner. In my opinion, that why’s rape play exists. That’s why impact play is even a thing. That’s why so many of us love getting consensually choked, whipped, caned, bit, etc.

Someone with PTSD who has been raped might go out looking to relive that experience (these types of motives are usually in the unconscious or subconscious mind), which will most likely be much more damaging than it is worth. This situation is not in a controlled environment, and pretty much anything could happen. Instead, this person could go to a safe space, and reenact what happened/act out what they want to happen safely with a trusted friend or partner (to help work through their traumas). In this situation, it is controlled, and if someone reaches their threshold or is about to, they can always use their safe word. Real life, unfortunately, does not always work that way.

I cannot stress how paramount a controlled environment is when working through our traumas. That’s one reason why people go to therapists’ offices.

Also, at a dungeon there are DMs. So, if things were to become too much, you can always flag them down.

Safety is key. Safety with partners, location, and action. Safety mixed with consistency leads to trust, which will lead to PTSD not having such a hold on you.

In time, as trust builds, you will begin to see a different, positive side of these actions that were once only viewed as the most detrimental thing that could happen. You will begin to see people not as vessels that could hurt you. You will learn that the world is not out to get you and neither are most individuals that cross your path.

Please note, do not engage in BDSM relating to your traumas until you are sure you can handle it and are ready. Always respect your own timing. There’s no shame in waiting. If you are going to engage in play relating to your PTSD/traumas, who you play with should know of these traumas, limits should be talked about/respected, and safe words should be decided. If you find that you were not as ready as you thought after the scene has started, please stop the scene using your safe word(s). It’s never a good idea to force anything, especially when dealing with something so painful.

I would say that even if you are engaging in play that does not directly relate to your traumas, the above should be followed. And of course even if you do not have PTSD and have no apparent traumas, limits, boundaries, and safe words should always be discussed and agreed upon (unless you do not use safe words, but that is an entirely different article).

I think it’s also important to reflect on all scenes-especially the ones relating to your traumas that you are trying to work through. Perhaps journaling could really help with this. Introspection after any scene is essential in my opinion. Introspection leads to understanding and understanding leads to growth. Growth leads to change.

I have found that APRI really helps too. These steps can be done on your own, with a trusted friend/family member, a partner, or therapist. 

Address- Address what happened. What caused your PTSD?

Process- Process the feelings and behaviors that stemmed from the incident or incidents. Notice any unhealthy behavioral patterns.

Resolve-Try to let whatever is traumatizing you go. This is the hardest step and could involve multiple steps and methods to complete. BDSM being one possible method. Make amends with yourself and others (if appropriate and possible). Think of ways that you could make your life more fulfilled, happier, and healthier.

Integrate- Integrate what you have learned thus far concerning your PTSD, yourself, and the traumatic incident. Make a plan of action and rules for yourself that you can follow and will follow based on the new knowledge you have gained. This will allow you to not only let go of the PTSD and your trauma(s), but become a healthier person in general.

Again, please note that there are countless ways to cope with traumas, pain, PTSD, and anxiety. I am merely providing a few coping strategies for one to ponder. I hope you have found this article helpful, and please reach out for more information.

As always, feel free to comment and ask questions. Thanks for reading and stay tuned!

About the Author

Slave Bunny, a 1950’s power slave, is involved in a wonderful and loving TPE 24/7 M/S relationship with her Master and husband. She is also the Creative Director of Kink Weekly.

Along with being a part of the Kink Weekly team, she will be teaching kink classes all over the Los Angeles area this year and organizing events.

She has dedicated her life to working on herself mentally, spiritually, and physically, and hopes to inspire others to do the same. Through teaching and mentoring, she hopes to help everyone in the Kink Community as much as she can.

Feel free to add her on Fetlife (Slave_Bunny992) to see her upcoming events and classes.

Part 1: How Slavery Can Reduce Anxiety

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For as long as I can remember I have dealt with various forms of generalized anxiety, OCD, and PTSD. Before I became a slave or even knew what a slave was, I tried to deal with my various mental problems/hang ups in unhealthy ways.

I chose the vanilla route and copied what all the other college kids were doing around me. No one stopped me and said, “What you are doing will never help you.” Because of this, I just kept on going down the vanilla path, hoping that something would give and I would get better.

When I met my Master, I knew I wanted to make some serious changes. I knew I didn’t want to be riddled with so much anxiety and fear on a daily basis. I realized that life is too short for that, especially now that I had found the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

I Couldn’t Control My Own Anxiety

I also realized that I was not at a point where I could take control of my anxiety by myself. I needed my Master to take control of it to a certain degree, and to work with me on it just as much as I was.

I know this might sound selfish on my part, and maybe it was, but it was what I needed at the time and knew I was too weak to face my mental disorders alone.

This is honestly how we got into our M/S dynamic officially. I was stressed about something that in retrospect now seems quite trivial. My Master came home from work to find me nearly breaking down. This kind of thing had happened before, and I knew I never wanted to greet my Master with kind of meltdown again.

I told him, “I have been trying to battle this on my own for years, and you are stronger than me, wiser than me, have more experience than me, and are more stable than me. Can you please take control of my life because I know at this point I am too unstable to?”

He agreed but didn’t know if I was entirely serious or not. The next day I began writing down all the rules we had already established and began researching more into the M/S dynamic. I was amazed at how much we had already been doing that would be considered M/S. We just weren’t labeling it as anything.

After a few weeks of talking and researching, we both realized that M/S was the right choice for us.

The moment I asked my Master to take ownership of me was the most humbling and meaningful moment of my life. All my life I had been trying to face my problems alone without knowing how to face them. Just the fact that my Master accepted the challenge I had presented him with reduced my anxiety.

Being my Master’s slave has helped my anxiety so much because I no longer have to worry about decisions concerning me. Because of this, I can more easily focus on the tasks that I want to get done.

Our M/S relationship also helps to prevent new stressors from occurring. My Master has to approve everything I do. So as long as I am following his orders and rules, I know that I never have to feel any anxiety concerning us.

My Master also takes an active role in my recovery.

We have rules that specifically target my anxiety and OCD. I am often given assignments to complete and reading to do. I also attend therapy regularly. My Master oversees my entire physical and mental health, which also helps to put me at ease.

For example, in our home, we have a compulsion board. Every time I am triggered by something and I don’t compulse, I tell my Master and I get a sticker. If I do compulse, I tell my Master and I must complete an Automatic Thought Record (This is a form of CBT. Feel free to look it up for a more detailed explanation.) My Master sets the number of stickers he would like earned each month and a number of ATL’s that I must be under. If I stay under the ATL limit and achieve the set amount of stickers, I get a reward.

This has been a really helpful tool because it allows us to track my progress throughout the months. It also provides a visual record of my progress, and the rewards are a great way to celebrate my hard work. It always makes me proud when I achieve my monthly goal.

Mindfulness is also big in our home. My Master will often ask me to meditate on my collar in times of stress. He has also trained me to say, “Master loves me and everything is okay” when he puts his hand on my cheek.

I do not think the rules alone help my recovery. I think what really makes the difference is how much my Master cares if I am getting better, how he always makes time to communicate with me and listen to me regarding my recovery, and the fact that he checks in with me about my emotional state on a daily basis- most of the time multiple times a day.

It was love, care, and commitment that motivated my Master to take on the role of being my Master with such grace. He was never deterred or scared. He consistently holds me to my rules, including the recovery ones, and no matter what he has going on, he always makes time to help me.

It’s not just my Master though. Like any vanilla or kink relationship, both parties need to be equally dedicated. I am always reading, researching, presenting my findings to my Master, and am always motivating myself to practice what I have learned. Slaves cannot just sit back and let their Masters’ do all the work. I would never get better that way. Master has the final say, and offers me all his wisdom and guidance, but I still have to put in a lot of work to better myself.

However, I would not be able to achieve any of this without my Master. He is the motivation behind my recovery 100 percent.

I hope this article gets you thinking about ways one can use power exchange relationships to ease anxiety. In part two, I will go further in detail into anxiety-reducing protocols.

About the Author:

Slave Bunny, a 1950’s power slave, is involved in a wonderful and loving TPE 24/7 M/S relationship with her Master and husband. She is also the Creative Director of Kink Weekly.

She has dedicated her life to working on herself mentally, spiritually, and physically, and hopes to inspire others to do the same. Through teaching and mentoring, she hopes to help everyone in the Kink community as much as she can.

Feel free to add her on Fetlife (Slave_Bunny992) to see her upcoming workshops and classes.