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How To Show Off Your Submissive

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By now, most of us are tired of the covid world we are living in. And this is especially true in the BDSM world of closed dungeons, social distancing, mask wearing and “this will be over soon” media pronouncements. Well, I have good news for you. From now on, I will be “writing for the future” with little pandemic pandering. With this in mind, this week’s question is about exhibitionism – a BDSM activity that really took a huge hit in this frustrating world but will soon be making a “comeback”. And since these questions come from my “query vault,” I can pick those that address tomorrow’s issues, not today’s. Can I hear some applause?! So, here is the question:

Reader: I love to show-off my slave, and I really like being kinky in public. I’d like to explore new ways to enjoy D/s with an audience. Do you have any suggestions?

Exhibitionism can be divided into two categories. The first one is what I call “controlled” exhibitionism. Here you show off your slave to your own group of fellow BDSM pervs. Typically, this is done at play parties, usually in private homes or at members-only dungeons – such as the legendary Lair de Sade in Los Angeles. There are clubs of this type in many major U.S. cities. This is probably the easiest and safest way to explore your interest in exhibitionism in a controlled environment. For not only is there a built-in audience, but there is also no worry about “pain-in-the-ass innocent bystanders.” (A quote for the Godfather fans among you.) These clubs usually have many stations with BDSM equipment and even stages for you to show off your slave. You can get as kinky as the house rules – and local laws – allow. And your exhibitionism does not have to involve scening. Outrageous states of undress are embraced here. So if you want your slave half naked, three quarters naked or totally naked, by all mean go for it! As every good exhibitionist needs voyeurs to enjoy the show, where better to find a group of voyeurs than at a dungeon party? The beauty is that here you can start slowly and learn about your slave and what type of exhibitionism turns both of you on. Do you like your slave in fetish clothes, various states of undress, or led around by a collar and chain? Do you like to torture your slave in public? What does your slave enjoy or detest? The dungeon gives you a great environment to experiment, replete with an appreciative audience. You can also get great ideas from fellow showoffs here – which will improve your exhibitionist skills. All in a safe, user-friendly environment.

The second category of exhibitionism is what I call “public exhibitionism.” Here the audience is the public at large. I think that part of the appeal of this edgy practice comes from its danger. And dangerous it is. Some jurisdictions take “indecent exposure,” as they call it in the legal system, pretty seriously. Fines, jail time and community service can be a consequence of being caught. In this game there are many levels – from beginner to advanced! Quick flashing can be considered an entry-level type of exhibitionism. I would have your slave dress in such a way (if female, no panties under the skirt while kilts work for a male sub) so you conveniently “flash and dash.” (I like that term. It’s a keeper!) Advanced exhibitionism would probably encompass public sex. Here it gets a little risky. It takes planning and keen observational skills to get away with public sex if that is where you want to take this. I personally had public sex at a BDSM social at Sportsman’s Lodge – and it was awesome. Since you say you want an audience, this area of exhibitionism should be approached with utmost caution. If children and policemen just happen to be unwitting witnesses as you have sex in a glass-enclosed elevator, you might have big problems! People into this type of exhibitionism take precautions so as not to get caught. Be careful.

One important omission – your query does not mention your slave’s preferences. You should always take his/her preferences into account before you delve into exhibitionism – whether semi-private or totally public. This ensures a great performance.

Exhibitionism has the widest range of just about any fetish out there. With this in mind, the only boundaries are your imagination and what type of exhibitionism you are into. And, most importantly, let’s not forget to discuss limits here. Your question asks, “I love to show-off my slave, and I really like being kinky in public,” with little mention of your slave’s hard limits. You should be aware of these limits beforehand. If you are combining BDSM play with exhibitionism, safe words and safe signals must be integral to the scene. I’ll be watching!

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

My First Play Party

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I get asked by friends all the time, “Jenn, don’t you get tired of teaching the same basic stuff over and over?”

To that I say no.  The reason I don’t get tired of what I do is for many reasons.  I am giving info and providing opportunities that I wished I’d had when I was new, seeing people discover new things makes my heart super happy, and staying in touch with new folks week after week keeps me in touch with when I was new.  I think it’s important to remember what that was like – otherwise it’s easy to become jaded, frustrated and even judgmental.  What becomes second nature or common knowledge to us is often foreign to a new person.  There is a learning curve here.

So having said all that I wanted to go back to my first ever public play party.

When I started in the scene I went to classes and munches and spent much of my time in the rope world and the spanko world.  I got involved with a spanko group (which still exists) that, at that time, consisted of private parties in the group leader’s residence. Then one of the members of that group hosted a spanko party at a dungeon.  I decided this would be a safe entry into the dungeon play party world because at least I would know a few people.  This party happened to be held at a well-known dungeon in North Orange County here in SoCal.

I pulled into the parking lot in my family size SUV and I just sat there for a while.  The address I punched into my Garmin took me to an industrial business type building so I had to double check my GPS like 25 times to make sure I wasn’t in the wrong place.  Then I noticed people starting to arrive.  I scoured their clothing and noticed that most of the women were wearing things like sundresses or flowy knee length skirts!  I panicked.  I looked down at my tight denim mini skirt and 6 inch stilettos and I immediately doubted my choice of outfit!  Would I stand out like a sore thumb?  Had I worn the wrong thing? Before I let myself give in to the panic and just drive home, I decided to text the one person who I knew was at the party and that I actually had a number for.  (It happened to be the leader of the group at the time.)  I told him I was parked outside and afraid I’d dressed inappropriately.  I asked him to please come out to my car and tell me if I was right.  (yes, he was nice enough to leave the party and come out to calm my fears)  He laughed on his way to the car, shaking his head, and once he saw my outfit he assured me I would be completely ok. He walked me in and we went inside to where the party was happening.

The first thing I did was make a friend – a cute girl in pigtails and a cheerleading outfit – because at least she was another person not in a casual sundress!  She and I sat and hung out and I realized that there was a reason for all those sundresses and flowy skirts.  This was a spanko party and they were easy to flip up!!  Lol  Oh was I relieved!  It wasn’t about a dress code or what outfit was appropriate, it was just easier access for what they were there to do!

After that realization I relaxed, met more people, including some from a class I’d been in a couple weeks before, and had a good time.  There is more to the story but I covered the point of this article.  Your first public play party can be scary and overwhelming.  It’s ok to admit that and to reach out to a friendly face.  It’s also good for veterans of the scene to remember this if you are the one they reach out to!

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Top Ten Dungeon Tips

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With the summer play party season upon us – and the kinkweekly.com launch party a little more than a week away – I think it might be enlightening to offer some “dungeon tips” to our readers.

This article — for both Doms and subs alike – is another compendium of tips compiled from real life interviews with members of L.A.’s famed dungeon, the Lair DeSade. They might not all apply to everyone and some might seem obvious — but just one useful tip can make your dungeon experience much more enjoyable.

1. Don’t play on your first visit to a dungeon. If you are new at public play, it is best to simply observe before you attempt playing for the first time. See how others do it. Remember, being a voyeur is an accepted perversion around here; no one will put any pressure on your to play. Even if you are an experienced public player, it is wise to take a night off and just watch. As Yogi Berra (a twentieth century mystic) said, “You can observe a lot just by watching!”

2. Follow proper dungeon etiquette. Basic dungeon policy is usually posted. Regardless, one universal rule is not to enter anyone’s scene space. Another is to not talk loudly while watching a scene. (Treat the players like pro golfers – whisper!) Last, but not least, don’t touch anyone’s body, even a naked one, without permission. Look – but don’t touch!

3. Discuss your first visit with your partner. After your initial visit, if you decide to play publicly, discuss what you saw with your partner. Both of you – Dom/me and sub – should exchange ideas as to what you liked and what you didn’t like. Get a general feel for what you both feel comfortable doing in your first public scene.

4. Plan your first scene. When you see musicians jam, they usually have their sets planned out. It is not totally free-form. Same with scening in public. You should not just wing it. Have a good idea of what equipment you will be using, what your scene will consist of and the general arc of the play. It need not be a note-for-note plan, but you should not leave a lot to chance – especially for your first scene.

5. Bring your own toys. Don’t assume you can borrow cuffs, or other BDSM items, at the dungeon. Other than bondage furniture (like St. Andrew’s Crosses and spanking benches that the club provides), don’t expect to find ancillary items there. If your scene requires a ball gag, bring it. Handcuffs, bring them. A flogger, bring it. You would be surprised how many people try, in vain, to borrow toys for a scene. Once you get to know the members, this might be possible. But, on your first few visits, come prepared.

6. Ambient sound. Any public space has ambient sound which can be much more intrusive than you would ordinarily expect. It can render it nearly impossible for the Dom/me to hear the sub’s safe word. It can mask every other secondary cue that the Dom/me usually takes into consideration – like breathing and even crying. Thus, the Dom/me must be overly attentive to the submissive — especially if he/she is not familiar with the masking phenomenon that ambient noise can cause.

7. The “crowd effect.” When groups of people watch a scene, it creates a “crowd effect.” An audience amplifies energy, similar to any sports event. Thus, the Dom/me hits a bit harder, shows off a little more and can unwittingly alter his/her game plan. The “crowd effect” can also have a positive effect – the sub might find the scene especially exhilarating due to the endorphin rush this “crowd effect” causes. Be aware of the double-edged sword that the “crowd effect” can be and try to use it to your advantage.

8. Don’t copy. Do your own scene. You can learn by studying other people play, but don’t copy them. Doing your own thing is the best way to enjoy the dungeon.

9. Have both a safe word and safe signal. With all the ambient noise, distractions and crowd effects, you might be thrown off your game in some unexpected manner. Make sure you not only have a safe word, but also have a safe signal. In addition, the Dom/me should be overly observant as to the condition of the sub. You surely don’t want some Dungeon Monitor stopping your scene when you could just as easily have stopped it, or slowed it up, by yourself!

10. Have fun! You would be surprised how many people – even the so-called New Guard – bring their serious game-face to the dungeon. One should be serious, yes. But still, the object is to have fun.

If you observe these tips, your visit to a dungeon will be a great experience!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Exhibitionism and Public Play

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I’ve been wanting to write on a topic that is near and dear to by heart; exhibitionism or rather the act of drawing attention to yourself and/or being naked in public. If you’re purely looking at the textbook definition, it seems quite limited. In my opinion, exhibitionism spans over many parts of BDSM which I will attempt to cover in this article. Personally I very much enjoy it but reader beware, it is not for everyone!

I do not crave to be naked in vanilla public, though there are some who enjoy this particular fetish. I have done some semi-fetish photo shoots (on the tame side) in lingerie in public but that’s as far as I’ll go. I’d urge you to use caution as public nudity is not only illegal in most cases but also forcing your kink onto unsuspecting vanillas, something I’ve written on in past articles and discourage.

There is something to be said about “public play” in dungeons however. There are also limitless ways you can monopolize on this setting for those who are interested in exhibitionism. I find pleasure in exhibitionism as a combination of both humiliation and a desire to be seen. I’m both embarrassed and delighted to be shown off in public. While this may sound like a bit of a contradiction, I’ve spoken to many submissives/bottoms who share a similar sentiment when incorporating exhibitionism. The desire to please your Dominant by following his/her direction in public, taking any pain or punishment they may be giving, dressing up in something scandalous-all of these are factors that contribute to positive feelings within exhibitionism. Some submissives find joy in being dressed up like the dominant’s play thing-to be walked around by a leash or on their arm. The important thing to remember regarding is that it’s playing a large part into the submissive headspace. You can experience subspace from exhibitionism alone which is fascinating, if you think about it. You neither have to deliver any impact, rope, or even use toys for that matter-all you need is your submissive and a public play space with which to parade them around.

I’ve also seen exhibitionism used as punishment. Perhaps your submissive is in need of some “training” or they have become complacent in their role and relationship. What better way to show them a lesson than at the hands of other dominants? I once witnessed a submissive shackled in a spreader bar by the arms. There was a sign dangling around his neck proclaiming him to be a naughty submissive in need of punishment. Several implements were hanging from the spreader bar including a crop, flogger, cane, and a paddle. Anyone was welcome to come up and deliver said punishment to the submissive. As an extra layer to the situation, he was also wearing a ball gag so had no ability to speak. Before any of you cry safety foul, I also observed the sub’s dominant nearby, keeping an eye on the situation should she need to intervene. Obviously the two shared a deep connection and trust for this type of improvised scene to occur. The submissive seemingly was extremely experienced thus could handle any number of impact toys and levels of pain. I found the entire set up extremely titillating and exciting! To be placed on display, called out for disobedience and asking for other people to deliver punishment was just diabolical!

As with any type of new play, it’s best to discuss potential scenarios with your play partner to make sure you’re on the same page. As the top, you can always throw in surprises to keep your sub on their toes! Remember that the largest part of exhibitionism (at least for me) is the mental aspect so it’s best to go slow and work up to more “extreme” public displays. Happy flaunting!

anniebear is a submissive living with her partner Dexx in Los Angeles. She enjoys writing, modeling for friends, animal rescue, and teaching herself how to cook. You can catch her on Fetlife or Facebook.

Fear of Public Play

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One tradition that has endured in our “post Fifty Shades” world is that of public play. Here a D/s couple performs a scene in front of strangers, usually at a dungeon play party. The most notable aspect of this tradition is that the submissive is usually naked – or as close to naked as the law allows. And being naked in front of strangers – and being flogged or caned or bound up – can elicit fear in any submissive. Especially if it is the first time.

One of the great things about BDSM is that it enables you to overcome fears and hang-ups that would probably continue to plague you were you to be in a vanilla relationship. And most of us have a lot of vanilla hang-ups that we bring to our BDSM world.

Many submissives – most people, in fact – are actually quite shy. And everyone has something they are shy about. For example, fear of public speaking is so ubiquitous that most Americans list that as their main fear in poll after poll. We are trained not only be shy in front of a group of strangers, but also to be especially shy and reticent about performing naked – which is what most public play scenes require. And if you come from the vanilla world (where most of us hail from), then you have been filled with fears and insecurities about being nude in front of a crowd.

By now you must realize is that you are not alone. Whenever you see a submissive at a dungeon play party effortlessly get on an apparatus, do not assume it was easy for the submissive. He/she might have had to overcome quite a number of fears to reach that point.

The first step toward conquering your fears is to trust your Dom/me. Always keep in mind that you are not only there to please him/her, but that he/she has your best interests at heart whenever a demand is made of you. If you truly do not believe this, you will not be able to overcome the barriers that he/she will be requesting you to conquer. A good Dom/me pushes your limits; so this will only be the first in a series of requests that might catch you off guard. (Of course, you should have an agreed upon safe word.)

You must always keep in mind that you will be asked you to do things you would not ordinarily do. That is probably the most exciting part of our lifestyle. For if he only asks you to do things which you would ordinarily do – such as drink only Coke and not drink Pepsi – what does this prove? How exciting is being a “coca-cola submissive”?

Once you realize that public play and pushing limits are all part of the journey, and understand that fear is a natural emotion, you will not balk and will give it your best effort. Your Dom/me, I am sure, will give you a many chances to perform in public. And once you experience the thrill of public play, you will understand why it is worth overcoming your fears for. Additionally, the bonding power of losing your “public BDSM virginity” will bring you two closer together than you could ever imagine.

Remember, you cannot lose your sexual virginity twice. But you can lose you BDSM virginity many times. The same fear – and excitement – that you felt when you first lost your sexual virginity can be reproduced in the BDSM world. And, in most cases, you are older, wiser and more selective in your choice of mate.

So, assuming being publicly naked is not a hard limit, and you are able to overcome your inherent shyness, you will be looking forward, with great anticipation, to your next “show.” That is why public play is so popular in the BDSM world.

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.