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Shaken, Not Broken

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Occasionally, I get an email question that moves me. The following one – to which I also replied privately – is a dilemma that many in the BDSM lifestyle have faced in some version. It has been said, without statistical corroboration, that D/s relationships have a very short shelf life. Considering that marriage in America can be rather short lived, the following problem must be quite common. I am not a relationship expert; in fact, far from it. But I think I have some tips that can help out. So, here goes:

I’ve been without a Master for almost two years. I’d love to be back subbing, but my Master of four years broke my heart. I’ve been to a few play parties since, but I just felt depressed and lonely. Please don’t suggest therapists…they’re condescending and don’t understand this lifestyle. Do you think I can recover and be what I was before?

BDSM breakups, in general, are much more difficult than their vanilla counterparts. Because of the intense bonding and trust that is integral to any D/s relationship, the agony of dissolution is beyond words. (I tend to avoid the phrase “being released” because it implies that breaking up is a one-way street. It is not.) In your case, it is very painful because your ex-Dom “broke your heart.” In losing any intense love based relationship, whether BDSM or vanilla, pain comes from many angles.    

Anyone in your situation would be hard-pressed to simply start over as though nothing had happened. Understanding this will give you the proper perspective for regaining your BDSM life. It will not be an easy task, but it can be done. As you have been to a few play parties, it is clear that you want to continue in the lifestyle. Desire is the key to overcoming adversity.

Herein I will offer some practical strategies that will enable you to search for a new Dom while minimizing your emotional risk.

Don’t be impatient.  Obviously, you will not find a Dominant quickly. Even newbie submissives find it difficult to find a Dom/me. Don’t be hard on yourself. You have taken your first steps by going to play parties and committing to rejoining the lifestyle. You are to be commended for that. Just give the process time.

Cultivate friends. You might need some lifestyle friends even more than you need a Dominant. Friends that you meet online, or real time friends that you meet at play parties, can be very helpful in guiding you back into a positive frame of mind. It is hard to go through an experience like yours alone. That’s what friends are for!

Don’t force yourself. Don’t force yourself back into the lifestyle before you are ready. If you don’t feel like playing at a party, don’t. Voyeurism, socializing and looking for a prospective Dom are perfectly acceptable activities at any play party. The key is to do only what you feel comfortable doing.

Be honest with any prospective Dom. This could be our most important suggestion. If you meet a Dom you are interested in, tell him, “I have just gotten out of a relationship and would like to go slow.” Don’t go into details about your situation. You might appear to carry too much baggage and scare him off. (We all carry baggage; it is the amount that is critical!) The key is to make sure he is willing to go slow with you. There will be plenty of time to talk about your issues after you get to know each other better.

Be cautious. Most Doms in the lifestyle are very cool. But, in any community, there are some bad apples. Your psyche is fragile so be cautious. When you meet a Dominant, ask others about him. Check out his reputation. Generally, I don’t put too much stock in this process, as people tend to repeat rumors. But, in your case, you must be super vigilant.

Safe calls. When you do decide to play, observe all the safety rules. I would play in public first. But, when you do play in private, arrange a safe call. You have been hurt once; you cannot risk being damaged again.

You will never be exactly what you were before. None of us will. Everything that happens in our lives changes us, both good and bad. But if you gradually ease yourself back into the scene, and follow some of my suggestions, you will have a great chance of re-emerging with a Dominant you can trust and, ultimately, love – maybe even more than your last one!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

A Golden Question

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As the year winds to a close, there are some things that stick out in my mind. One of them is the purported “golden showers” scene with Donald Trump and some Russians. Whether true or not, piss play has gone main stream in at least this one area. Since I cover all things “kink” for kinkweekly.com, this leads me to a question I received via email, which read:

“My Master wants me to drink his urine. He says that if I do, he will never doubt me. I didn’t think I’d given him reason to doubt me in the first place. Is this request normal? Is drinking urine harmful?”

Negotiations

In the first part of your question, you say that if you drink urine he will “never doubt you.” I think the question of doubt is a bigger issue than giving in to one specific demand. If he is pressuring you — by saying he will “never doubt you again” — to overcome a hard limit, he is not being very Masterly. (On the other hand, if you had told him drinking urine was a soft limit, he might rightly have a point. For by refusing to do so, you have made him question whether you were truthful in your negotiations.)

I cannot over-emphasize how important negotiations are when you start a Master/slave or Mistress/slave relationship. What is “normal” for one couple can be “out of bounds” for another. Serious misunderstandings can result from sloppy – or worse, a lack of – negotiations.

One of the romantic fantasies in D/s is the concept of sacrifice. In the famous “Story of O”, which inspired many of us, the slave shows her devotion to her Master by doing unusual sexual acts for him. I am sure “O” would never have listed any of these acts as hard limits. And while the excitement that both “O” and her Master get comes from the extremes of his demands and her accession to them, he would never have had to use “I will never doubt you again” as a way to get her to obey him.   

Is It a Hard Limit?

Drinking piss from your Master can be overwhelmingly erotic in the “O” tradition.  And it can demonstrate your willingness to please him and do things for him and only for him.  If it is not a hard limit of yours, once the health issues are settled to your satisfaction, you should do it without question. He should have no need to cajole you into it.

On the other hand, if it is a hard limit of yours, or you two did not negotiate this beforehand, then you must tell him now. He must be made aware it is a hard limit of yours. And he should act accordingly.

Many people list public humiliation as a hard limit. As the relationship evolves, the slave might be more receptive to a public degradation demand. Similarly, your Master should talk about hard limits from time to time as the relationship grows. Then he will know when the time is right to ask you. But changing hard limits cannot be as inelegant as saying “do it and I will never doubt you again.”

Is It Safe to Drink Urine?

As to the second part of your question, the safety issue, there is relatively little danger in water sports. Now what is “relatively little danger” you ask? That is debatable. But water sports do not, by definition, present the physical safety risk that breath play does. Or knife play. Or fire play.

But piss play is still a very extreme form of BDSM play; there can be serious elements of humiliation and other serious psychological aspects involved. Thus, as with all other play, it must be consensual. And the sub must have a safe word if he/she decides the play is too much to take – whether physically or mentally.

Since you say you never gave him reason to doubt you, your Master seems to be mixing arenas, so to speak. Trust is trust. Pushing a slave’s limits is part of it but only a small part. I would sit down and “re-negotiate” limits so you are both aware of where you stand. As I always point out, communication is the key to all D/s relationships

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.