relationships

Kinky dating vanilla? Don’t waste your time.

August 3, 2020 By Desdemona 121 Comments

submissive poly woman is looks sad while experiencing some feelings — via stock.adobe.com

Are you a kinky, and dating a vanilla girlfriend / boyfriend, or even got to the point that they are now your husband or wife? Take my advice – don’t waste any more of your precious time…

If you are regular reader of this web site, then it’s highly likely you are kinky. And by kinky, I don’t mean that you like to spice things up with your partner once and a while with some silk scarves. I mean that BDSM is in your blood… your DNA even. And you likely spend a good amount of time playing with it, fantasizing about it, or living it.

You may have always known you were kinky – since before you even knew what sex was, you were drawn to situations and depictions involving power exchange and bondage. Or you may have had a particular moment when your kink was awakened – perhaps with a partner introducing you to BDSM – which was akin to letting the genie out of the bottle (there’s no getting it back in there).

My point is – people are either kinky or they are not. Vanilla people cannot be made kinky, just as kinky cannot be made vanilla.

And so when a kinky person and a vanilla person date (and maybe even fall in love), it can never end well. And yet this is this is a problem that comes up time and time again, played out by almost every kinky person I have met (and I know a lot of kinky people), sometimes over and over again.

Take me. I have had several long terms relationships (each more than 2 years) since my late teens. In each case, we met and felt a strong chemistry and a deep attraction. Each of my exes was beautiful in her own distinct way – and engaging, funny, likeable. Of course, we had ups and downs in the course of our relationships, as all couples do. But they were good women, and each time we laughed together, grew and experienced new things, and traveled to exotic and wonderful places.

And yet in each case, kink was a divide between us. And ultimately, the reason that the relationships could not last.

Don’t get me wrong – none of these women I dated were prudes. In fact, they were quite sexual and adventurous in their own way. They were up for trying new things, playing with some toys and trying out experiences. But with respect to BDSM, there was always a point after which the novelty wore off and they conceded that they just weren’t really that into it.

I, like you, am kinky. When it comes to BDSM, I love every letter of the acronym. And since joining the kinky community, I have met hundreds of kinky people in LA and all over the world. And each time I do, I feel that connection of speaking with someone who is like me, who gets me.

And from my conversations with all of these kinky people I have met, I have heard so many stories just like mine. Of years or even decades from teenage years through adulthood, when these kinksters were figuring out their own identity and sexuality. Trying to understand why they liked these things that were strange and deviant to regular folks, realizing they needed to keep certain desires to themselves. And then reigniting and fully realizing those desires upon the thrilling discovery of the kink community.

All of these people had similar stories of ex-boyfriends, ex-girlfriends, ex-husbands, ex-wives, who they had tried to introduce to kink. Trying to get their man to dominate them, or get their girlfriend to tie them up. So many relationships where ultimately they failed because the kinky person could not get their needs met. Because vanilla people cannot be made kinky.

And it is terrible. When you love someone and love being with them, but know deep down that there is an important part of yourself that your partner just doesn’t understand, and never will.

It had made me question my kinkiness at times. Made me wonder if I can push it aside, forget about it, grow out of it, bury it. Somehow “cure” myself of kink. And now of course I know that is ludicrous – in the same category as trying to “pray away the gay” – it’s just not possible. And of course the other thing I know now is that I wouldn’t want to de-kink myself, even if I could. Because without kink, I would not have met all of the amazing people I now know in the community, or felt the joy and the high of a scene with play partner, or the deep connection of D/s.

So I would say this: if you know you are kinky, don’t waste your time getting into a relationship with a vanilla person. The further into it you get, the more difficult and heart-wrenching it will become for both of you to leave later.

Now, that isn’t to say you can’t go on some dates with people who aren’t overtly kinky. After all, sometimes it takes a little while before someone opens up about things like this. It’s worth getting to know someone well enough to know for sure. But don’t beat around the bush, and don’t hide that it’s an important factor for you in dating.

One caveat is that it is possible that you might meet someone who is kinky but hasn’t discovered that side of themselves yet. They might need some encouragement to “awaken” their kink. I do think that is pretty rare in western culture now though – given the massive publicity and exposure that BDSM has received in recent times.

What to do if you are in a long term relationship already with a vanilla, and either have finally accepted the importance of kink to yourself, or realized that your partner just isn’t kinky? My advice is to end it. Be gentle about it, be compassionate about it, communicate with them, support them. But do it.

No doubt there are all kinds of “what if’s” that might be thrown at me in response to this. And there may be some pretty gnarly ones… not the least of which is marriage and children. And ultimately, no one but you knows the ins and outs of your situation and so I can’t tell you definitively what is right for you.
But what I can tell you is about all the people I have met in the community who finally did realize they needed to embrace their kinky selves. Some of whom waited until they were in their 30s, or 40s, or 50s, or 60s, or 70s, before biting the bullet and doing it and that once they did, they realized that they had finally found themselves, their community, their people. And almost all wished that they had the courage to do it much, much sooner.

There is one exception that I would add to all of this. Occasionally, a kinky person may be in a relationship with someone vanilla where the relationship is so open, trusting, positive and strong, that the kinky person can go out and explore the community and play with others, without it damaging or impacting on the bond of that relationship. I have seen this work long-term in a couple of cases. So if you are in this situation then you are very fortunate and you should make the most of your freedom to explore. But if you aren’t, and you try forcing your relationship into this mold, you may find it very difficult and ultimately unsuccessful.

Have you found yourself in a relationship with a vanilla person that you wished was kinky? I would love to hear about it in the comments section below.

Writer, photographer, hedonist, Dom. After years of at-home BDSM, Dexx finally embraced the kink community and met many fantastic fellow kinksters in the scene. Along the way, it occurred to him that it would be just super if there was a magazine-style web site which catered to people interested in BDSM, and he recruited some of his friends to help create it.

I Won’t Do That!

September 11, 2017 By Baadmaster Leave a Comment

From time to time I answer questions here that I find intriguing. Here is one of them, asked by a female submissive:

“I met a Dom on the Internet. He is awesome. But he is very high protocol. At first I liked all aspects of it. I am now starting find it too confining and am beginning to dread the all-encompassing aspects of it. One more ritual and I think I will lose it. I love the guy, but this aspect is wearing on me. What should I do?”

This is a question, in many similar forms, that I have heard many times before; it is not an uncommon dilemma. That said, the fact that you are not alone does nothing to help you solve your problem. So, let’s see what we can do.

I have always said, here on Kink Weekly, that, ideally, you should match your protocol needs to that of your D/s partner. Rarely can a low-protocol slave adapt to a high-protocol Master, and vice-versa. I am sure he told you that he was high-protocol when you first met. But, you were intrigued by it and chose to give it a go. There is nothing wrong with that. After all, the only way to decide if you like something is to try it out. Most high-protocol lifestylers were not born that way; they simply evolved over time — after they wet their beaks, so to speak. Apparently, before you found out that you had difficulty with high-protocol, you fell in love. Although this would appear to be a big minus, it is actually a big plus.

Since you are in love, you will be giving your D/s partnership your best effort. And, if he is in love with you, so will he. Love cannot conquer all, but it can conquer a lot. What might be an insurmountable problem between play partners can often be solved when both partners are deeply committed to each other. Thus, you can expect your Dom to be a lot more understanding – and even more flexible – than a casual partner. Knowing this, we can then address your other, almost technical, concern.

This second aspect of your anxiety — that you liked high-protocol initially but don’t like it now – can also work to your advantage. It was not as if you were mismatched from the start. You did nothing wrong; you matched protocol levels as I suggested and proceeded forward. The fact that you originally liked high-protocol means there are aspects to it that turn you on. It is not unusual to burn out on things you enjoy. Even professional athletes, who clearly love what they do, can often get burned out during a season. The key here is to be honest with your Dom and explain your situation. It is obvious your attitude toward high-protocol has changed at some point during your relationship. You might be telling him something he already knows. People, subs included, are not robots. There are times when service is fun and times when they dread serving – even in great relationships. An experienced Dom, no matter how demanding his protocols are, will be aware of this fact. Thus, do not be afraid to discuss it with him. Don’t wait until the “Get your own fucking cup of coffee, asshole” stage when it is almost impossible to save your relationship. Better to face this predicament together, early on, than to let it fester and become an insoluble problem.

There are simple solutions, believe it or not. You might just need some time off. Maybe he can eliminate some specific rituals that you hate. Or, he can change 24/7 into an acceptable – to both of you – 20/5 kind of arrangement. Don’t sell yourself short. That you were an enthusiastic slave will not be lost on him. He will, more than likely, make some adjustments to keep you happy. But, no Dom (or Domme) is a mind reader. You must, within your protocol, tell him how you are handling, both good and bad, your submission. A skilled Dominant will always take your feelings into account. After all, an unhappy slave is not a good slave. Or, worse, she will soon be an ex-slave!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Is Long-Term Poly Possible?

July 10, 2017 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

I have already written some articles on kinkweekly.com on polyamory. Still, I get quizzed on poly triads more than on any other BDSM topic. Perhaps it is the fantasy. The Dom/me having two slaves to serve him/her is ultra hot. But I am talking about more than just a casual threesome which happens as much in the vanilla world as around here. I am examining long-term poly relationships and the big question, “Is long-term poly really possible?”

In my opinion, in the short term, the answer is definitely yes. The excitement of a new poly relationship is much like the “honeymoon” period of any liaison. And it works for a while. As to long-term polyamory, that is a bit more problematical. BDSM relationships between two people are notoriously short-lived. When you add a third human being into the D/s mix, you are just complexifying (my word!) an already hard-to-maintain relationship. I am living testament to this sad truth; I personally have gone oh-for-two in long-term triads. (Of course there are many long-lived, wonderful poly relationships. But these are the exceptions, not the rule.)

So why is polyamory so difficult? In the typical poly relationship with an alpha and a beta slave, someone is voluntarily accepting being lower on the totem pole. The concept of “I live for my Master/Mistress and will serve him/her as the “beta slave” works fine in theory – or online! But this is a hard mental space to maintain in real time. Most people, in any type of relationship from fetish to vanilla, like to be ‘numero uno’ with respect to their significant other. And the alpha, although first in the pecking order, still must learn to share the Master/Mistress. For both submissives, this is easier said than done.

Unlearning ego, jealousy and possessiveness, which both the beta and the alpha slave must do, is extremely difficult. But although it is difficult, it is not impossible. In order to override these natural needs, both slaves must ultimately embrace — whether through training or other means — their respective statuses.

I might add that in the poly world the most popular arrangement seems to be an alpha-beta hierarchy for the submissives. But there are other polyamory systems. The alpha-alpha structure of two equal slaves is another way of setting up poly. As I had stated in a previous article, I believe that an “alpha-alpha” system might be easier to maintain for the Dominant. If the Dom/me can divide his/her attentions somewhat evenly, resentment can be eliminated as a divisive issue. After all, there is no “beta slave” who, by definition, gets less attention. I think this is less adversarial to human nature than alpha-beta and likely easier to maintain in the long run. But this is just a guess. We are dealing with human relationships here, not science. And many other systems keep popping up as people experiment in ways to make poly work.

As much as I love poly, I truly believe it is antithetical to basic human nature. It requires work to overcome this hurdle. A lot of work. If a Master/Mistress has accomplished the formidable task of finding/training two slaves who are totally happy serving, I believe it is less about the system/hierarchy than about the basic compatibility of the three people. I think this is the key. You can talk about alpha/beta or an alpha/alpha type arrangements until you are blue in the face. Ultimately, my two failed attempts at long-term poly were unsuccessful because the people involved weren’t comfortable with each other over time. And that is the key.

Getting two people to be intimate over a long period is tough enough. (Just look at the divorce rates.) So imagine the odds of three people getting on in a demanding D/s arrangement. “Is long-term poly possible?” The answer is “yes,” – but it might take a while before three ultra-compatible lifestylers are found.

Long-Term BDSM

March 27, 2017 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

The question I get asked most often is how to keep a long-term (over ten years) BDSM relationship fresh and exciting. Since my current live-in situation has lasted for eight years, I am close enough to ten years to offer counsel. As with all advice, it should be filed under the category of “opinion.” That said, just talking about the subject can be enlightening – so let’s go!

Let’s first address the dreaded “B” word. And it’s not “Bondage” – it’s “Boredom.”

When you first enter the BDSM lifestyle, you are like a kid in a candy store. There are so many BDSM activities to explore; how can anyone get bored around here? But, sooner or later, monotony – even if the Dom/me has a helicopter and a yacht — will creep into most relationships, from the most vanilla of vanilla to the most TPE of TPE. Since, by all accounts, BDSM relationships tend to be among the shortest lived, what is a couple (or triad) to do? As much as I hate to admit it, it seems that the vanilla people were right – you must actually make an effort to keep your relationship exciting. Autopilot simply doesn’t work, BDSM or no BDSM.

Actually, keeping your relationship “spanking new” (pun intended) is quite a bit easier than you might think. And the “work” required is not exactly like toiling in the Siberian salt mines. In the BDSM lifestyle, the “work” can actually be fun!

The first thing I recommend is that you divide your toys into three piles — those you use a lot, those you use occasionally and those that you never use. Reverse the order and play with those you never employ, followed by the occasional toys. If you didn’t intend to utilize them, why would you have bought these toys in the first place? So, by playing with the overlooked toys, you are adding variety to your scenes. All without added cost or a lot of effort.

Of course, new toys are always a great way to expand your play. Although this seems obvious, you would be surprised how few new toys couples buy over time — even though new implements can also add extra zip to their play. An exotic flogger, an unconventional cane or a unique paddle might fit the bill. What about the violet wand? Or, the less expensive TENS unit might fill the electricity play slot. Even after ten years, there are surely tools you have not experienced yet. Although this suggestion was aimed at the Dom/me, the submissive might suggest a new implement to acquire. After ten years together, communication should not be your problem.

It is very easy to get lazy as time goes by. If you are the Dom/me, take a stab at pushing your sub’s limits from time to time. This is a great way to add excitement and adventure to your relationship. After all, you have a sub. Take advantage of the privileges. Your sub will like it too!

Keep a diary on your device or computer and see if you are playing less often as time has gone by; there is a good chance the frequency of your play has gone down. This is only natural; it happens to the best of us. If this is the case, try to increase your BDSM play schedule to approach the frequency you played with when your relationship began. This might take some effort, but it will be well worth it. If you played at a dungeon ten years ago, make sure you continue the tradition.

Finally, you must make a resolution to try some new BDSM scenes. Surely, there are some that have eluded you. Both of you (or three of you if you are poly!) should make a list of five exciting BDSM scenes you have not done. Discuss them and decide which of those turns you on the most and attempt them. With just a little effort, you should be able to keep your relationship fresh and exciting – at least for another ten years!

Meta-Communication

March 20, 2017 By Jenn Masri 3 Comments

Meta-communication or metacommunication, is a secondary communication (including indirect cues) about how a piece of information is meant to be interpreted. It is based on idea that the same message accompanied by different meta-communication can mean something entirely different, including its opposite, as in irony. The term was brought to prominence by Gregory Bateson to refer to “communication about communication”, which he expanded to: “all exchanged cues and propositions about (a) codification and (b) relationship between the communicators”. Metacommunication may or may not be congruent, supportive or contradictory of that verbal communication. (definition by Wikipedia, 2017)

Most people understand that a healthy relationship is chock full of good communication. If there is a problem or issue – to be able to sit down and discuss the issue, each partner expressing their viewpoint and opinion, and finding a resolution. This is a wonderful skill to have and it certainly helps a relationship flourish and move forward.

However, an additional skill that often gets overlooked is the ability to have communication about how you each communicate. Sometimes the way we communicate can get in the way of finding solutions to problems. I often find myself in my therapy practice walking couples thru their communication styles (often how they differ) in order for them to be able to focus on the actual problem.

Here’s a very common example of what I’m talking about. A couple has a fight or a problem that comes to the surface. (Going heteronormative here – bear with me) The male partner (I will call him “Steve”) says he needs some air and walks out and drives away. The female partner (I will call her “Linda”) gets even more angry and frustrated – running after Steve and yelling things like, “Oh sure just ignore me and leave like you always do!” She continues to sit at home stewing in anger. Meanwhile Steve is frustrated by Linda following him and screaming. He just knows he needs some time and is frustrated with her that she wants to push the issue right then and there.

Sound familiar? This is a scenario that happens a lot. So now what’s happened is that there is another layer of anger and fighting just about how each partner handled the argument. Perhaps when Steve comes back home there is a whole new fight about him leaving on top of the original issue.

This is a common manifestation when two people process differently. It’s an easy thing to fix once you have a conversation (with empathy) about it. What Steve and Linda will find is that Steve is the type of person who needs time after an argument (or maybe during if it’s really heated) to be alone in order to process and think about the presenting problem. He may also need that time to calm down if he tends to get heated and less logical when emotionally flooded. Linda, on the other hand, is the kind of person who processes in the moment and prefers to deal with issues head on until they are resolved. Taking a “break” feels extremely frustrating and when Steve would just walk away (before she understood why) it felt to her like he didn’t care.

Once both partners learn that they are different in how they process conflict – the hope is that they will no longer take it so personally and will be more empathetic to their partner’s needs, even though their needs are different. So if you and your partner seem to handle things in different ways or there is misinterpretation regarding how things are handled – talk about it. Have some communication about how you communicate. While it may sound like a lot of work or overwhelming – it is something that in the long run will be extremely beneficial to your relationship.

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, collarings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to news@kinkweekly.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink”!

Jealousy and Polyamory

January 30, 2017 By Baadmaster Leave a Comment

Polyamory is so appealing – especially to Dominant types — that I think it might be one of the major reasons so many people enter this lifestyle. With much of what we do now being offered, however inaccurately, to the general public – from Fifty Shades to Porn Conventions like AVN welcoming BDSM participants – Poly might be one of the last “secret” aspects of BDSM. Surely, there are few guidebooks on the best way to keep a poly D/s family working. There are lots of threesomes; but a threesome does not a Poly relationship make. I have covered some basics in two previous Kink Weekly articles. Now I will address specifically one of the chief reasons these arrangements often fail. Jealousy!

Since jealousy is such a destroyer of unions – from the most vanilla of vanilla to 24/7 Master/slave relationships – I will try to examine how jealousy intrudes into Polyamory and how best to handle it.

Whenever lifestylers discuss jealousy, there is invariably a person who says, “A slave who is jealous is just poorly trained. A good Master/Mistress should be able to eliminate most of it in a slave.” There might be some truth to the statement, but totally purging jealousy, even by an experienced Dominant, is unlikely. Jealousy seems to be an irrational human emotion programmed into all of us, to a greater or lesser degree. Even if a submissive is not a particularly jealous type, once another sub is brought into the picture, jealousy will almost invariably rear its ugly head.

If you have read my previous articles, you would know that I am not a fan of the typical “alpha slave/beta slave” arrangement. Unless both parties enthusiastically endorse their respective roles, this might not be the way to go. This is where understanding both slaves’ psyches is of utmost importance. Before the Dominant brings in a second slave, and calls her/him the “beta,” he/she should make sure that this is what both submissives want. Yes, there are those submissives who truly crave being either first or second in the pecking order. But many Dom/mes often assume, when adding a second slave, that this slave is the “beta” simply because she/he is the newer one. And that the so-called “alpha” is happy with a second slave. Dominance is not the antidote to jealousy! What often happens is that this slave, who might not be cut out to play second fiddle, is really just hoping to eventually become number one. And that the “alpha” is hoping the beta just disappears!

Jealousy can lead to a strategy that many Dominants are unaware of. By assuming the position that requires more sacrifice, the beta can create the appearance of being the more submissive of the two. This can get make the alpha extremely jealous – especially if the alpha perceives that this “ultra-submissiveness” is captivating the Master/Mistress. Then, if the jealous alpha gives the Dom an ultimatum, “It is her/him or me,” and is not careful in the way this request is phrased, it could easily backfire and lead to the dismissal of the alpha. Thus, a conniving beta sub can manipulate jealousy to completely ruin everything. I have seen this scenario happen far too often – once even to me! — to think it is just coincidence.
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Although jealousy and competition between slaves is almost impossible to eliminate, an alpha/alpha system appears to minimize jealousy. Here, the Dominant can give attention to them in the proportion that each one needs. The Dominant (and it is the Dom/me who is setting up the rules) can thus adjust his/her attentions from day-to-day, week-to-week, and month-to-month, as the situation demands and is not stuck treating one as “numero uno.”

Jealousy is difficult to eradicate in a one-sub relationship; imagine how much harder it is to eradicate it with two subs. By all accounts, Poly is the shortest lived of all BDSM unions. Keeping this in mind, I suggest understanding what roles the subs are most comfortable in and work it from there – rather than try to push them into a dynamic that they really despise. My personal opinion is that jealousy can best be managed when a Dominant is aware that it lurks around every corner of the relationship and works hard to keep both subs feeling secure. (And, of course, the subs should try to keep their jealousy in check!) Being aware that jealousy can never be eliminated – and staying vigilant in addressing jealousy and nipping it in the bud as quickly as you can – is the best way to control, but not eradicate, jealousy.

Your Poly is Not My Poly and That’s OK!

December 12, 2016 By Jenn Masri 1 Comment

So you see people identify as “poly” or “monogamous” (aka mono). Seems pretty clear cut. I wish it were that easy. When it comes to poly there are a gajillion variations. (Not an official number – lol) You can ask a dozen poly identified people to describe how they “do” poly and you are likely to get a dozen different answers.

For some they are romantically mono but agree that they and their romantic partner can play or have sex with others. For some they can only play with others – no romantic or sexual involvement. In some cases, partners have agreed that only one of them can have an additional outside partner – or that they can share one or more partners. Perhaps they share a romantic partner or play/sexual partners. Perhaps it’s closed and only a certain number of partners are allowed or open and people in the poly “pod” are allowed to date, play, and/or have sexual relations with others. The list is really endless when you consider all the various options and combinations.

An interesting twist is that one person may not do the same kind of poly based on their partner. Let me explain what I mean. At one point an individual may find themselves involved with an existing couple – for the purpose of this article I will use the term “secondary” to describe this person. However, let’s say that relationship ends and the person finds their own “primary” partner. The partner, based on what they know of the person’s relationship history, may expect that they are poly in any way. For example, this partner wants to bring in a secondary partner. They expect it to be an easy adjustment based on the fact that their partner has been a secondary in a poly triad. This may not be the case. It may not be the case by a long shot. Just because someone has been in a poly relationship, this doesn’t mean any poly dynamic will be comfortable for them. If you find yourself in this kind of situation, handle the transition just as you would if poly were a new thing for your partner. Because, essentially, it is brand new. This particular type of poly dynamic may be one that they have no experience with. Not all poly is the same and just because you have experience with one structure or one role doesn’t mean other roles or structures will work for you.

Poly can be a wonderful thing. It can lead to multiple fulfilling relationships and/ or fun adventures. However, nobody will say it’s always easy. Part of the difficulty comes back to “know thyself” as in “know thy poly”. Part of the journey is figuring out what kind of poly works for you and for you and those in your life. So be honest with yourself first, then be honest with your partner. Be patient and understanding and remember that it’s not all the same.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

NRE: New Relationship Energy

November 28, 2016 By Jenn Masri 1 Comment

“New relationship energy (often abbreviated as NRE) is a state of mind experienced at the beginning of most significant sexual and romantic relationships, typically involving heightened emotional and sexual receptivity and excitement. It begins with the earliest attractions, grows into full force when mutuality is established, and slowly fades over months to years. It carries an implication of contrast with the feelings involved with “old” or an ongoing relationship.” (Wikipedia)

While the dynamics described by NRE are common to almost all relationships, the term is particularly common in the polyamorous community, in large part because polyamorous people often experience new relationship energy alongside ongoing but older relationships which they also wish to maintain. This can be the basis for one of the most common issues I see arise with poly clients. The “original” partner feels the effects of the NRE when one or more of their partners is starting a new relationship. This is a common place for insecurities to emerge and feelings of jealousy, fear and/or sadness can arise.

So what are a couple of tips for surviving NRE in a poly dynamic?

First is awareness. Once you, as a couple, decide to open your dynamic to additional partners or if you come together as a poly couple from the start – knowing NRE will occur is extremely helpful. Part of that awareness is understanding the physical changes it creates.

“That’s right we are actually experiencing changes in brain chemistry – increased dopamine and norepinephrine in particular. New relationships light up the pleasure centers of the brain, including what are known as the addiction-like drives in the brain meaning the drive to get MORE of that as soon as possible. These parts of our brains give us more energy, they can cause us to maintain focused attention and an intense yearning for the recent source of our pleasure. During this early phase of attraction people find that they need less sleep, have strong emotions, may experience intrusive thinking about the person they are drawn to, find it hard to focus on normal daily tasks, and have a heightened sex drive.” Melissa Fritchle, 6/2013

Second is kindness. Be kind to one another during this transitionary phase. If you’re the partner that’s starting a new relationship, try to maintain awareness of how you’re acting around your longer-term person. When you are with them give them your full attention even though you have “puppy love brain”. Keep in mind they may be struggling a bit and may need a little more reassurance than normal. Also, don’t abandon your responsibilities. You may want to spend all your time with the new partner, but that’s no excuse for leaving your long term partner to pick up your slack when it comes to shared household, children, or other responsibilities.

If you are the long-term partner, try to keep in mind that this is a normal and temporary phase your person is going through. Their actions aren’t personal and you have entered into a poly agreement because you agree that multiple loves don’t diminish what you have together. Make an attempt to self-sooth when you feel some jealousy – whether it’s self-talk, leaning on friends, or even therapy. However, that being said, don’t stuff your feelings only to have them evolve into resentment or anger later on. Communicate with your partner. Take ownership of your feelings yet let them know if you’re having a tough time.

Especially if this is a first time transition for you as individuals or as a couple – be patient with one another. NRE is probably something you both enjoyed at the start of your relationship and it’s bound to occur with every new relationship ahead. So be aware, communicate, and be kind to one another.

Work! And How to Make it Work

October 3, 2016 By Baadmaster 3 Comments

I have written about the effect of jobs, family and real-world obligations on BDSM relationships. But, on further reflection, I think jobs can have a greater negative effect on BDSM relationships than all other factors combined. Families, no matter how demanding they can be, also bring a positive aspect to any couple’s life. Real world obligations are something that everyone must deal with – BDSM, vanilla or celibate. You simply have to go to the dry cleaner, to the market, to the auto repairman. However, these tasks can be done at your convenience; you can time-manage them quite easily. It is in the area of work where there is the least latitude in terms of hours, energy drain and never-ending pressure. Even for those who love their job, the sheer time, in addition to physical demands, can cut into almost any BDSM relationship – especially if you are attempting any version of a 24/7 dynamic. Before we look at the best way to merge D/s and jobs, let’s backtrack a bit.

For many of us, we started out in BDSM by reading novels like the “Story of O”; for millennials, most started online or by watching “Fifty Shades of Grey.” In all these cases, the Master/slave or Dom/sub dynamic was idealized; it was a fantasy world of perfect Masters, Mistresses and slaves. However, once you decided to take it real time, the demands of work and the demands of maintaining a D/s relationship often clashed – especially if you are with your partner 24/7.

Do the math. Seven days times twenty-four hours per day gives you 168 hours in a week. If you sleep eight hours a day, you are left with 112 free hours. Assume you (and probably your partner) work forty hours a week with ten hours for commuting, working on your smart phone and getting ready (being conservative), you are left with 62 free hours. You gotta eat – so subtract another ten hours for stuffing your face. Now, there are 52 hours left. With errands, odds- and-ends and TV watching, you are left with, at most, 30 hours in a week for your Master/slave relationship — assuming no kids. Note, too, that these hours are hardly prime-energy hours; these are the “left-over” hours. The prime high-energy hours have been reserved for the demands of your job. After all, perform poorly at work and you might be saying “Yes, sir” at the unemployment line! So, what to do?

The first thing is to recognize the reality that, unless you sold your app for millions or are Christian Grey, you have to do your D/s in high-energy and low-energy spurts. The best way to manage this is to keep the protocols, punishments and even play to a minimum during those low-energy periods. Keep the D/s hierarchy, but don’t be as demanding (if you are the Dom/me) during these hours. Both sides must be more forgiving and understand that there must be more “D/s elasticity” during these times. The two of you should become adept at identifying when the other is too stressed-out to go full-tilt BDSM.

On the other hand, when you are both energized – typically during the weekend – you should put the same effort into your BDSM rituals, play and protocols as when you first met. Make a special effort to be “on your game.” Since many of the commercial dungeons are open only on weekends, plan your week around playing there. It is here that little of the real world intrudes and you can practice BDSM in a scene-friendly, high-energy environment. This is my personal approach.

Of course, there will always be those couples who have the energy, dedication and commitment to maintain a 24/7 high-protocol Master/slave union while working full time. I salute them.

But, for the rest of us, it is better to have five hours of high-level weekend BDSM and twenty-five hours a week of lower-level D/s than thirty hours of so-so BDSM. After all, it was the awesomeness of BDSM that got you here in the first place. Jobs may intrude into it; but they should not exclude all of it!

Whose Side Are You on?

September 26, 2016 By Jenn Masri 4 Comments

You know how it is – you get that call (or more likely that text or PM) from a friend that says “so and so” and I broke up. In this community you may hear, “I’ve been released” or “I had to release her/him”, etc. Whatever you call it, this friend and their significant other have split. You may also be friends with the SO (significant other). This is never a fun position to be in – you feel really bad for your friend(s) and want to help and be supportive.

Wait. Which one should you support? If you’re an s-type, then support the s-type half of the couple? The partner you’ve known longer? The one you see most often? Such a difficult decision – with a very simple answer.

Both. You can support both.

Now I’m not talking about extreme cases where abuse have been involved. I’m talking about most cases of a split: they fight a lot, they grew apart, their communication sucked, they didn’t fit like they thought they would, even infidelity.
Here’s the thing. I’ve said it before – this community (even in Los Angeles) is like a high school in a small town. Eventually everybody gets to know who everybody is and it can sometimes feel like everybody dates, has sex with, or plays with at least some people you know. That being said it can be really helpful to maintain at least a casual friendship with both parties. I like to keep my drama cup close to empty. Many people love drama – (whether they realize it or not) and will take one side and perhaps start bad mouthing the other person, spreading gossip and what they know from one side. Here’s the problem with that – it’s only ONE side. This means you only have half a perspective. You don’t have all the pieces. Even if (and this is rare) the friend who contacts you first gives a fairly accurate break down of how things happened and how *they* felt/feel about it (sometimes even taking responsibility for their own mistakes *gasp!*) – you are still missing huge chunks of information.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard one side of the story and been completely convinced that the person in front of me was the one that got screwed in the relationship. However, especially due to my time as a therapist, I know there is someone else’s truth out there that I haven’t heard. The puzzle is not complete. The last thing I want to do is jump to conclusions or act upon assumptions until I’ve heard the other side.

So how do you maintain neutrality? Just listen. Offer an ear and a hug and maybe some chocolate. Listen with the knowledge that this isn’t all the info, however, this is their truth in that moment and typically all they want to do is vent. Maybe cry and eat a cookie. Just because you maintain friendship with both of them doesn’t mean you’re betraying one or the other. If you tell them, “You know I am a friend to you both. I am here to listen and support you however I can. When you talk to me it stays between us.” Then stick to your word – there is no need to run to the other person and spill the beans.

I promise you it is absolutely possible to support both parties with honest communication and emotional maturity on all fronts. So don’t get caught up in drama if you don’t have to. If there is any “side” to choose, make it yours.

relationships

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