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What is a Switch?

August 14, 2017 By Jenn Masri 9 Comments

When someone tells you they identify as a Dominant or Master, submissive or slave – you have a pretty good idea what that means. But how about when someone tells you they’re a switch? Well, it means you need to ask more questions.
I often compare somebody that identifies as a switch to someone who identifies as bisexual. Now, before you get all upset, I understand that sexual orientation and D/s dynamic identifiers have nothing to do with one another. That is not what I compare. Here is what I mean: both identities lay upon a spectrum and there are some similar stereotypes that both groups deal with.

On one hand you can have someone like me – I personally identify as an s-type, however, I have the skills to top and do enjoy it on occasion with a handful of people. So, technically, I can say I’m a switch because I can Top and bottom for play. However, for me, I have no interest in being anyone’s Dominant or being involved in a D/s dynamic with me as the D-type. I won’t say it will never happen because I know better, it’s just not something I am interested in currently. On the other hand you will find people that feel equally Dominant and submissive and may have a partner (or partners) that they switch with – or are in a poly situation where they have one (or more) partner(s) they submit to and another (or others) they are a Dominant to. Some people may flow from one to another – go through phases if you will. Sometimes in their life they feel the need for more submission and at other times feel the need to express more of their Dominant side. Still others may lean more toward one side or another but it’s closer to a 60/40 than someone like me who is closer to 80/20 (or so). The point is that there is a very diverse spectrum when it comes to being a switch. Everyone is different and you just need to ask what it means to them.

Now I would like to address the stereotype that seems to get placed on switches that reminds me of the one placed on those that identify as bisexual. It’s the stereotype that a switch is confused about their identity, going through a phase, or just doesn’t want to commit one way or the other. While these things, of course, can be true for some people – it is not true for most.

Being a switch is just as much who they are as someone who knows they are a D-type or an s-type. I am not confused about what I like. That doesn’t mean it may not change. When I discovered this community I swore I was totally an s-type and would never be able to Top. Eventually I started exploring it because, well, why not? I believe this lifestyle is perfect for self-exploration and growth! So I explored the “Top side” of play. I had always gone to classes to learn how to use implements, etc. to enhance my play as a bottom and learn about it for safety reasons. So once I started to Top I already had some skill. I found I tend to prefer Topping s-type women. I can Top men, however, I usually do that from more of a “service Top” position. It’s not what curls my toes. I don’t know what will develop down the line. Perhaps I will come upon a woman I would like to serve me in some capacity. I try to never say never because none of us really know what the future holds. Does that change (if it were to happen) mean I’m just “going through a phase”? Absolutely not. I still feel my submission pulled from male Dom energy and believe I always will. It’s simply a matter of how my Top side will grow or with whom.

We all have our own story and our own journey. This space allows us to explore and reach in directions we never thought possible. Know thyself and then get to know others. Especially those darn switches! 🙂

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

D-types: Knowing the Other Side

July 24, 2017 By Jenn Masri 4 Comments

My last article was about s-types “knowing the other side” – so now it’s time for the D-types out there. I realize this is typically a harder sell. There are many D-types that when it’s suggested just to feel what their implements for play feel like they answer with something along the lines of, “Hell no!” I get it. You’re not a masochist. That’s fine, I’m not telling you that you need to be. Just hear me out.

There is a spectrum that represents D-types who have experienced the s side of the slash. From those that have never bottomed to any kink implement nor considered themselves “in service” to anyone to those that spent years as an s-type on their journey to becoming a D-type and many, if not most, who fall somewhere in between.

Now I realize that if a D-type really doesn’t want to do something – I could suggest it until I’m blue in the face and it won’t matter. However, this article is for those that are at least open to the idea of understanding the s-side better. Two main categories to being on the s-side of the slash are bottoming and service. At the very least I suggest experiencing what your implements feel like, if not implements in general. I’m not suggesting this means you doing an entire scene or going super heavy. However, if you’re willing to push those limits then great.

If you’ve had experience in the military or martial arts you may have an idea of being “in service” to a higher ranking officer or sensei. This gives you a glimpse into service, however, it’s not quite the same. Try filling that role with another D-type that you trust – if you dare. Even just for an evening. 😉

I had a friend once, a lifestyle D-type for many years, who wanted to develop a deeper understanding for what his s-type felt like as well as experience what the violet wand felt like since he was looking to expand his Topping skills in this area. He decided to do this by attending a Female Dom / male sub party where he was required to be in the bottom/service role for the evening. He caught a lot of flak from the D-types there because many were his peers. He brushed off their taunting and went about what he was there for. He learned what a violet wand felt like as well as how it felt to serve for an evening. This, to me, was a testament to his Dominance. The fact that he was willing to set his ego aside in order to publicly experience what he did in order to grow as a D-type made me respect him even more than I already did.

I can honestly say that of the D-types/Tops I’ve played with – the ones who have spent time on the s-side of the slash were some of the absolute best. I’m not saying you can’t be a fantastic Top/D-type without doing this. However, there’s just another level of understanding that comes from the experience of putting yourself in the bottom/s-types shoes.

Topping From the Bottom: A New Perspective

April 12, 2017 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

There is a very popular expression in the world of D/s – “Topping from the bottom.” This means the submissive is trying to dictate what the Dominant will do. Bottom-topping is most prevalent in scening. For example, “I want you to paddle me tonight, but do not use the cane!” This approach is classic “topping from the bottom” both in substance and style. The substance is in specifying precisely what the submissive wishes the Dominant to do – paddling, no caning. But of equal import in any D/s relationship is the style. “May this slave respectfully request Master not to use the cane tonight in our scene” would have been a much more D/s-friendly way to make the same request. This gives the Master the option of acquiescing to his slave’s request while avoiding the agita from being “topped from the bottom.”

Often “bottom-topping” is a matter of degree. The use of “green/yellow/red” as safe words in a scene, if judiciously used, is not bottom-topping. But using these colors every few minutes to direct the Top is quite definitely “topping from the bottom.” (Which is why many responsible, advanced D/s couples eschew safe words. More on that in a later article.)

In my opinion, much of D/s is in the protocols. A slave should say “good evening, Master/Mistress” upon the Dominant’s return after work, not “Whassup, Bob/Anna.” Protocol is very important in all walks of life; and it is situation-dependent. Give your friend “the finger” when you are playing basketball, no problem; give the finger to a highway patrolman after he stops you for speeding, different result. Situational protocol is very important in life in general. “You’re stupid” spoken by a vanilla wife to her vanilla husband in a group discussion about politics would not raise any eyebrows; “you’re stupid” from a slave to her Master in a similar discussion at a BDSM party is unacceptable.

In a D/s relationship, a submissive must find a way to communicate needs and desires with the Dominant in such a way so as not to break protocol and not risk the dreaded “topping from the bottom.” In the first “Fifty Shades” movie, the novice “slave Anastasia” was bottom-topping to an inordinate degree. And though many of the “New Guard” Millennials entering the lifestyle do not get too bent out of shape when a hot submissive tops from the bottom, it does take away from the fun of being a Dom/me and a submissive.

I have stated in previous kinkweekly.com articles that when a Dom/me and a submissive first negotiate, the sub is a free agent and not anyone’s submissive. Still, the sub – either by being shy or being afraid of being too “toppy” – might be afraid to make his/her requests known. An effective way to get off on the right foot without stepping on the Dom/me’s toes is by offering him/her a “petition.” Basically, it is a proposal to the Dominant outlining what the sub or slave has to offer and what the sub or slave might want in return. This is not the same as negotiating a slave contract that was awkwardly shown in “Fifty Shades”; it is a good first step to get needs known and avoid bottom-topping. If the Dominant accepts the petition then negotiations as to the submissive’s specific service can begin in earnest.

Here is an actual “petition” from a slave emailed to her prospective Master. (I wonder who that could have been!)

Sir…

I want to respectfully request that you make me your slave, your cunt, your slut, your hole, to use as you see fit… I wish to give myself over to you, if you’ll have me, to belong to you, to be owned by you, to be used in every way you desire within the limits and play parameters we will discuss…. If you will claim me, I will obey your every whim, desire, or command, hoping only to please you…every part of me, body and soul, will be yours always.

With utmost humility,
(signed) slave

The petition could be more specific with respect to limits and other aspects, but this is an alternate way for a submissive to give the Dominant an insight to his/her feelings and needs within the proper D/s protocol.

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Dom Wants to Submit

April 3, 2017 By Baadmaster 5 Comments

Often my articles are inspired by questions I receive regarding BDSM, D/s, relationships and all kinds of kink-related queries. (After all, this is KINK weekly!) One of the most intriguing questions I have been asked is the following one:

“If my sincere desire is to be completely dominated, and I have a dominant personality outside the playroom, can my fantasy truly ever become a reality?”

The answer is an unequivocal “yes!” In fact, when one examines the real life dynamics of dominance and submission, you will find that there is a lot of role reversal in this lifestyle. For example, many bigwig executives, who are among the most dominant, type-A individuals you can find, seek domination in their off-hours. Ask any pro-Domme and you will find that many of their clients are high-powered business types. This stems from the most human of needs – to reverse roles when in relaxation mode. The last thing many a captain of industry wants, after a week of non-stop decision-making, is to spend the weekend making more decisions. It can go deeper than that psychologically, but the overview is still one of role reversal. Conversely, there are pro-Dommes who, when they are not working in the dungeon, like nothing better than to be dominated. And this has little to do with switching; this is a situation where the dominant businessperson, for example, wants his play life to be as a submissive.

(I will not address the question of whether a Dom/me ordering a submissive to “spank me” is an act of dominance. I might tackle this in another column.)

Of course, there are men and women who are dominant in their profession and dominant in their relationship; there are submissive/submissive people, too. You are far from alone in your needs and your ability to fulfill them. The first step is to let things happen naturally. Let me explain. Since you wish to be completely dominated, you must look for a potential partner who stirs your submissive feelings. This could pose a problem as many will perceive you as a dominant and be skeptical of your need to submit to any degree. So it might take time for you to find a partner that dovetails into you submissive needs. “Complete domination,” as you put it, is a state that you gradually arrive at over time; you won’t get there right off the bat. But finding a Master/Mistress who stimulates the inner submissive within you is the first step toward that goal. If you have spent time with a skilled pro-Domme you will understand your needs – and limits — more deeply.

The second step is for you to acknowledge that you will never be able to shed all the domineering characteristics of your personality. A sensitive Master/Mistress will never ask you to do that. What you must find is a Dom/Domme whose control of you in the dungeon dovetails into your kinky needs while encouraging you to continue your day-to-day dominance. A wise Master/Mistress knows he/she can affect some behavior modification, but will never want to change you completely. Nor should he/she try to. When you look for your “dream Dom/Domme,” make sure he/she instinctively gives you “domineering latitude” – without it, it will not work.

The third step is to actually find your ideal Dominant – and the best way to find him/her is to be honest from the jump. Tell any potential Master/Mistress about your domineering personality. Don’t hide it; don’t play “perfect slave” as a way of enticing that person. Many people use this technique and it is doomed to failure.

The key is to find a Dominant – whether a pro Dom/me or a relationship Dom/me — who finds your “domineering personality” appealing, and is willing to accept and even encourage your “outside the dungeon” dominance. After all, it is always best to accept a partner “just the way he/she is.” If you truly enjoy exploring your submissive side after a hard week of being “domineering,” you will likely find a Master/Mistress who will work with you. After all, there is nothing a Dom/Domme likes better than a partner who really needs to be a dominated! And you seem to fit this mold to a “T.”

D-type and s-type Fluid

February 27, 2017 By Jenn Masri 5 Comments

So you may or may not have heard the term “gender fluid”. This refers to a person who may always feel like a mix of the two traditional genders (male and female), but may feel more male some days, and more female other days.

This concept came up in one of my classes in a different way. We were discussing one student who knew she identified as an s-type, however, wasn’t really sure which “subcategory” she fit into. Slave, submissive, babygirl, pet, little, bottom, property, etc. I could relate to what she meant. I identify (personally) as an s-type – normally I will say submissive, yet I am sometimes more in the headspace of a babygirl or perhaps a pet. There are plenty of times I identify as a bottom – especially when I am doing a demo or acting as a practice bottom. I also fall under the category of “service Top” when teaching or doing an educational scene, however, I don’t consider myself a Dominant at all. For me the slave identifier has not been something I have identified with yet. I have several close friends that have told me they think I am “slave wired”, yet I continue to put up some resistance there. (Perhaps an issue for me to work through or perhaps just a matter of partnership) In any case, I can’t rule out many of the s-type subcategories because I may feel a combo of them or feel like I identify more like one or another from one day to the next or one moment to the next.
So during this class I named this “s-type fluid” or “s-fluid”.

I realized that this same concept probably applies to D-types as well. Maybe someone knows that they identify as Dominant, however, they occasionally act as a Top or are in the headspace of a “Daddy Dom” or “Mommy Dom” based on their partner or mood. I would imagine that identifying as a Master is something a Dominant would either feel like all the time or perhaps grow into with a partner. In any case, I think you can be “D-type Fluid” or “D-fluid” just like an s-type.

This concept doesn’t mean you are confused in any way – just like someone who identifies as gender fluid isn’t confused. It may just mean that you can flow from one subcategory to another based on headspace, partner, mood, or any other reason. By the way, this is different from identifying as a switch. A switch may be fluid in terms of being able to bottom or Top (or go between Dom and sub), however, s-type fluid and D-type fluid has nothing to do with switching. It means you identify as either a D-type or an s-type all the time, but that the subcategories of these identifiers can change.

So maybe if you, like me, know which side of the slash you are on, however, feel differently at different times – or if you are still exploring and seeing which subcategory “fits” you best – perhaps this idea of fluidity as applied to D/s identity is the best descriptor for you!
(Perhaps Fetlife needs to add this to their list of identifier options!) ☺

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