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Rules

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evaMistress Eva with sub
https://www.youwillpleaseme.com/

From time to time, I respond to submitted BDSM questions whose answers might help some of our readers. Here is one that I found fascinating; and though it is written by a female submissive, my answer should apply to male subs too.…

“I am a relatively new female submissive. A potential Master I met gave me a complicated list of rules he wants me to follow. The prospect of following them is very scary to me. What should I do?”

The first thing you must understand is that every Dominant – and every submissive – is different. We might all be learning from similar playbooks, but all of us pick and choose different paths and preferences. There are high protocol and low protocol Dom/mes and subs, weekend and 24/7 practitioners, switches and fetishists. Before you choose a Dominant, it would be best to familiarize yourself with all these different possibilities.

When you first meet a Dominant, even if you like him, you really owe him nothing — other than respect and honesty. Technically, until you decide to enter into some sort of D/s arrangement, you are a free agent. And so is he. Thus, when he sends you a long list of rules he wants you to follow, you are not compelled to obey them immediately. You are still in the “negotiations” phase. This is really a two part discovery process. The first is to find out if you actually like each other. This can border on vanilla considerations; but, human concerns are always critical in any relationship, BDSM or otherwise. After you determine that you like him – or you discover you want him only as a play partner — then you should enter into the “lifestyle negotiations” phase, of which his rules are but one aspect.

The great advantage of BDSM relationships – if you do them “by the book” and don’t skip the negotiations phase – is that all aspects of your interactions are up for discussion.  Whether it is your Dom’s rulebook, play, pain, fetishes, sex, polyamory, hard & soft limits or levels of protocol, nothing – other than agreeing on a safe word — should be off the table. The key is that these discussions should be as complete and wide-ranging as possible. In your case, his rules are the first thing, but not the only thing, to be talked about.

Before you discuss the list with him, I suggest (my opinion) you examine it and separate the rules into three categories. One should be those rules you actually like. For example, a popular rule that many subs love is that the submissive gives oral sex on demand. The next group would include those rules you don’t find overly objectionable. For example, asking permission to cum can be a pain for many submissives, but few would consider this a deal breaker. Then you must list those which are hard limits. This often happens when a low protocol sub meets a high protocol Dominant who might require her/him to ask permission to go the bathroom – even when at work.

Once you have these categories firmly in mind, you should ask this Dom whether “category three” rules are negotiable or not. If he refuses, and there are lots of “hard limit” rules in the list, he simply might not be the Dominant for you. If, on the other hand, he is willing to bend his rules a bit, then you can start to get a handle whether this will work. Don’t expect him to tailor his protocols to completely satisfy you. After all, who is the Dom here? But, if you are cool with a lot of his rules, and he is willing to change some before finalizing them, then all might be fine.

The key in all relationships, as stated here ad nauseam, is communication. Your Master’s list can be a good jump-off point to see where you both stand. Plus, after the rules are finalized, you will find that having them in place can be the cornerstone of a great union.

Remember, his list is not an ending, but merely a beginning!

About the Author:

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Collars: Another Perspective

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Vondage locking buckling collar by Stockroom

Collars. In our DomConLA presentation, “Old Guard vs. New Guard,” we all agreed that, with the fashionistas’ adoption of the collar as a style, the meaning of the BDSM collar has been diluted. Or has it?

Maybe it has lost its meaning to the outside world – wearing a slave collar will not shock the world anymore — yet the most important aspect of the collar still remains. And that is, “What does the collar mean to a given individual?” Herein lies the BDSM riddle of the Sphinx – an unsolvable question since the collar has different meanings to so many people. This can lead to total confusion. So, in the words of Tony Soprano, “let’s unconfuse you.”

From the Dom/me’s point of view, there is little unanimity in the collar’s significance. There are Doms who give out collars like they are M&Ms. (S&Ms?). On the other extreme, there are those Doms who treat collaring as to be of such transcendent magnitude that they might give out very few in the course of a lifetime. There are those who wait one minute to collar, those who wait one month and those who wait one year. There are some who collar one submissive, while others want multiple subs and collar many. I personally think one should take a cautious tact and treat collaring seriously. But, this is just my opinion. There is no standard for a collar.

I have interviewed many submissives – and the results are just as varied as for the Dom/mes. Some subs will accept a collar rather easily; the first Dom to claim them runs off with the prize. There are others who treat being collared much like getting married and will not accept a collar until a long “BDSM courtship” has been consummated. I have seen both ways succeed and fail. Besides, defining “success” and “failure” in a BDSM union is a tough call. Is three years in a Master/slave relationship a failure or a success? Personally, I would call it a success. Others, rightly so, would term it a failure. Which leads us back to my earlier promise of “unconfusing you.”

I have seen many people hurt when their view of collaring is not on the same page as their partner’s. The most typical problem scenario is the submissive who thinks of collaring as a deep, marriage-like, commitment, who is collared by a Dom/me who thinks of it as being like a club pickup. Or, vice-versa. Both are prescriptions for disaster.
Ultimately, the question must be, “What does a collar signify for you?” This seemingly insignificant query might be the most important you can ask. After all, we can’t standardize the collar’s meaning – no matter how many articles I and my kinkweekly.com colleagues write. Rather than tilt against windmills and try to create a “universal collar protocol,” we should advise people to seek out people with similar views on collaring. Use this as one of your major criteria – rather than overlook it as most people do. Deeply probe the other person’s feeling regarding his/her views on the subject. A submissive who thinks collaring is similar to marriage should seek out a Dom/me who treats it with the same degree of commitment. A Dom/me who takes collaring lightly should seek out a submissive who sees it in a comparable way.
Ultimately, there is no way to predict whether a D/s relationship will work or not. In my current BDSM relationship, my Millennial, New Guard submissive has no innate grasp of what a collar signifies. Thus, I have maintained her as a non-collared submissive and it has worked out for years. In the end, not expecting her to deeply understand what the significance of a collar means to me is one of the great strengths of our relationship. It would be an act, as I see it, of Dom-phoniness to give her a collar which means nothing to her.

Ultimately, if and when you do give or accept a collar, it should have a similar significance to both partners. If you can at least get this aspect right, it will give your union solidity, for as long as it does last.

High Protocol: Part Two

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Before you read this article, I suggest (or, in a more Domly way, insist) that you read last week’s kinkweekly.com prequel, “High Protocol, Part One.” To quickly recap. High protocol Master/slave relationships are not for everyone; they are, in fact, quite rare. And, in my opinion, they are not, in and of themselves, any higher on the BDSM food chain than any other style BDSM union; you don’t get BDSM “props” for being a high-protocol Dom or sub. High protocol is not a goal; you don’t progress from low to high protocol. It is not like going from junior to senior in high school; high protocol is simply another type of D/s relationship.

For most couples, high protocol works best for short periods of time, as in a scene or even for weekends; taking it 24/7 is usually far too energy-draining to be a way of life in our world of jobs, stress and kids. High protocol, 24/7 style, is only for those who truly crave and need it – for both the Dom and the sub alike. (It will likely fail if one is really into it and one is not.)

That said, we will attempt to list the classic (and even mythical!) high D/s protocols. Thus, you can pick and choose those protocols you like – even if you are in a low protocol relationship. As the saying goes, “Different BDSM strokes for different folks.” (Funny how the word “strokes” works so well in this paraphrased axiom.) So, without further adieu, here is the list.

IN PRIVATE

1. You must always address Master as Master, Sir or some other designated title, and do so in every sentence.
2. Upon returning from work, slave must kneel and greet Master in ritual designated by Master. If Master is out and returns home, slave still performs the greeting ritual.
3. Slave must be aware of the position training and will be expected to perform them at any time. (Note: Position training – teaching the submissive to assume a set of kneeling or standing poses, in response to the Master’s voice commands.)
4. A slave is always naked (or some designated dress) in Master’s House.
5. You must ask permission to leave the room, or use the bathroom.
6. You may not sit on the furniture without permission.
7. You must respectfully ask permission to speak.
8. If slave needs to ask questions, he/she must ask permission to speak, as in, “Sir, I have a question,” or, “May I speak freely, Sir?”
9. Whenever you have no duties to perform, or need instruction, you assume the kneeling position at your Master’s feet and wait quietly for his attention.
10. Arms are never allowed to be crossed over the body when in the presence of the Master unless it is his/her request.
11. You may not have an orgasm without permission, and may only play with yourself with permission.
12. When you make a mistake or misbehave, you may not wait until Master notices, but must immediately inform Him and gracefully accept correction.
13. You may not interrupt your Master except in an emergency.
14. The slave must prepare body for bed by bathing and then preparing the bed for the dominant.
15. Slave must present his/her body for a nightly inspection.
16. Slave must kneel and ask permission to enter the Master’s bed
17. When you are in Master’s House, you may eat and drink only from Master’s hand.
18. The submissive must learn how to serve coffee, tea or other drinks in a serving ritual specified by the Master.
19. Upon a signal from Master, the slave presents himself/herself in a manner specified by the Master for the preliminaries of sexual intimacy.

IN PUBLIC

1. A slave is not permitted to draw undue attention by excessive body movements such as tossing the head or hair, shifting positions while kneeling, moving hands or feet or, in general, doing anything that is distracting.
2. All movements are expected to be as graceful as possible or as trained by Master.
3. Lips are to be kept slightly parted and relaxed.
4. The back is always kept straight.
5. Whenever the slave is using your hands, he/she must keep them behind his/her back; when standing still, legs are parted. This is to be done unobtrusively – don’t alarm the vanilla world.
6. You walk slightly behind Master.
7. Slave does not make eye contact with any Dominant other than their Master.
8. You wait for his attention to speak.
9. In a restaurant, Master orders your meals.
10. You must discreetly ask permission to begin eating, and you may never start eating until your Master does.
11. You address Him as Sir whenever there are no other vanilla people around.
12. When having dinner with other lifestylers, slave will serve Master and guests as taught, then clear the table and serve coffee, tea or dessert as instructed. Afterward, slave sits on the floor at his feet.

As I have stated many times, pick and choose those listed protocols you want discard the rest. Or, invent your own or use some that have been omitted. For example, I use less than half of the above protocols in my relationship. So, my best advice is to use those that work for you and eliminate those that don’t.

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

High Protocol: Part One

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dandg_043_web-copy

This article was inspired by Vice Erotica’s visual depiction of high protocol service right here on kinkweekly.com. In our post “Fifty Shades” world, I fear that the beauty of high protocol could be lost. Thus this article, written in two parts. Part One will examine the myth of high protocol dominance and submission. The next article will be an extensive nuts and bolts guide to high protocol. First, let’s examine the myth.

I am often asked, “What exactly is high protocol?” A strict dictionary definition would be, “a code prescribing strict adherence to a pre-determined etiquette.” In the BDSM context, protocols are the rules of behavior for Masters/Mistresses and slaves. What we generally call “low protocol” is a relaxed, mostly informal relationship with few rules and prescribed patterns of behavior. Obviously, a “medium protocol” D/s relationship is one with more rules than a “low protocol” one; but these rules are far from all pervasive. Finally, “high protocol” is a relationship where many, if not most, activities are conducted ceremonially and tied to a detailed set of rules.

The most widespread myth about high protocol is that it is somehow higher on the BDSM food chain than lower protocol relationships. Many lifestylers who are attracted to high protocol mistakenly think that it is something to aspire to; they assume that it embodies what one should think of as a “true” Master/slave relationship. Although nothing could be further from the truth, there seems to be a tendency to romanticize high protocol. So, why do so many people talk about high-protocol unions as though they are something to aim for in D/s relationships?

Much of the appeal of BDSM is built upon images of slaves serving in what seems to be high-protocol settings. Kneeling provocatively at the Master’s feet at all times; always serving Mistress’s drink in a prescribed manor; performing the perfect greeting ritual every time the Master returns home are all images of “high protocol” that are sensual, transcendent and very appealing. The fact that very few of us have neither the time nor the energy – nor the need – to go to these lengths on a 24/7 basis does not diminish the lure of this idealization. Furthermore, these descriptions reinforce the “BDSM Urban Myth” that unless you are a high-protocol Master/Mistress or slave, you are somehow not a “real Master/Mistress or slave.” This misconception is quite widespread. And if I do nothing other than dispel this notion here, I have done my job.
In my experience, I have found that high protocol functions best when it is for a short period of time – for example, within a BDSM scene. Or, for just a weekend. However, in the context of a 24/7 relationship, I believe it works only for a select few Doms/Dommes and subs. Those rare successful high-protocol couples are those where both partners crave it. It cannot simply be imposed on the slave; that is far too taxing. The slave cannot simply demand it; that requires far too much topping from the bottom. High protocol must be wanted, needed and truly desired by both partners. This is especially true in our world of jobs, kids and a gazillion other demands on our time and attention.

From the Master/Mistress’s (and slave’s) point of view, high protocol is a lot of work. So unless high protocol is a primal BDSM need for both, the workload will be crushing. Over time, what was initially fun will become hard, and oft-times unrewarding, work. The best protocol is one where both Master/Mistress and sub are most naturally comfortable. There is obviously some wiggle room here – but not a huge amount.

In our next installment, I will detail many high protocols. By reading this first article as a primer, and comprehending that high protocol is not a universal goal, you will be able to pick and choose those protocols that work within the type of relationship you desire. Do not make the mistake of aspiring to high-protocol just for high-protocol’s sake. Any level of protocol is fine — if it works for you!

In the final analysis, there’s nothing inherently superior in high protocol versus low protocol – any more than there’s something superior to an airplane flying at a high altitude rather than a lower altitude.

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.