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Poly Do’s and Don’ts

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Hello lovely readers! Below is a list of Poly Do’s and Don’ts that I have found most helpful when practicing ethical non-monogamy.

  • Be unapologetically poly- Don’t minimize your poly lifestyle due to fear of a new potential partner not being on-board with your other partners or anything else related to your brand of ethical non-monogamy. Be honest from the get-go. This will help to manage surprises for all involved and allow potential partners to make informed decisions.
  • Know your deal breakers– It’s important that you know upfront what is and is not important to you. Furthermore, it’s important for those dealbreakers to be communicated early on. Often when people first start seeing someone they don’t want to be a “problem” or have serious conversations. However, it’s paramount to have these talks upfront to avoid wasting time and to make sure that everyone is on the same page. For example, if you are not comfortable with dating someone who has a partner that has veto power (the ability to nix another relationship), this is important info to talk about upfront before you get the feels for this person. This also goes hand in hand with being vocal about what your potential partner can expect from you regarding what time you have to give, level of commitment you are willing to give, etc. Again, it’s integral to be upfront about these things right away. Assumptions, most likely, will work against you. 
  • Time management is key– Scheduling and organization is a must. Most poly folks tend to plan far out. Make sure you are taking time for yourself, hobbies, friends, family, downtime etc. Many folks (especially when they first become poly) catch the “poly frenzy” and overextend themselves with dates. It’s always necessary to cater to yourself and your prior interests and commitments even in the throes of NRE (new relationship energy, which is essentially the rosy honeymoon phase in the first 6 months- a year of a relationship).
  • Hone your compartmentalizing skills-In life and in poly one can experience many things at once such as a breakup and a fantastic new relationship. In most cases. it’s unfair to spend time with a partner venting about your break up and how awful the other partner is/was. However, I am in NO way saying that you should hide breakups from partners. I think in most cases it’s important for all partners to know this info. However, it’s a lot different telling a partner “I want to let you know that person x and I broke up” vs. “They are such a loser. I don’t know what I ever saw in them.”
  • Do the self- work– Below are some questions to ask yourself relating to poly. Of course these answers can change over time and can be modified for specific scenarios. I put them in this piece to get you thinking. Things can definitely change when going from the hypothetical to the actualized.
  1. Are you looking for hierarchical poly or off the relationship escalator poly? Or solo poly? Kitchen table poly? Perhaps a hybrid of some of these?
  2. Are you okay dating someone that has a different style of poly than yourself? If so, which kinds are you okay with? Which kinds are you not? Why?
  3. What does safe sex mean to you? How often would you want to get tested? How often would you want your partners to get tested?
  4. Are you looking for  kink relationships, vanilla relationships, or a hybrid of the two?
  5. What is your learning style? What is your communication style? What kind of listener are you? 
  6. What are your core values? What values do you want and/or need your partners to have?
  7. What is your love language? What kind of love do you need from others?
  8. Why are you poly or want to be poly? What would your ideal poly relationship(s) look like?

****hierarchical poly- type of poly where there can be a primary, secondary, etc. There is a clear pyramid of priority.

**** getting off the relationship escalator-the idea that we don’t have to do relationships in a traditional fashion such as move in, get married, have kids,etc. The concept of making our own individualized relationships

*****solo poly- type of poly that is based around an individual’s autonomy and independence

*****kitchen table poly-type of poly where all partners and partner’s partners (metamours) can at least sit at a table together and be cordial such as at a birthday dinner

****learning styles- auditory, visual, reading/writing, kinesthetic, solitary, social

****listening styles – passive, active, detached, involved

***communication styles–passive, passive aggressive, assertive, aggressive

****love languages-words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, quality time, physical touch-there many online tests to determine this

As always thanks for reading and stay tuned!

About the Author

Slave Bunny is involved in a wonderful and loving TPE 24/7 M/S relationship with her Master and husband. She is also the Creative Director of Kink Weekly.

She has dedicated her life to working on herself mentally, spiritually, and physically, and hopes to inspire others to do the same. Through teaching and mentoring, she hopes to help everyone in the Kink community as much as she can.

Feel free to add her on Fetlife (Slave_Bunny992) to see her upcoming workshops and classes.

Interview with Dan and dawn Williams

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1.What are the top three things to know when first starting one’s kink journey?

Dan says: First, walk in with an open mind. Don’t think you have to be a Dom if you are male or that you can’t be a switch (try both receiving and giving) or any predetermined ideas. Just jump in and go. Second, be gracious. Don’t worry about protocols and rules to the point you don’t get started. If you don’t know something, just ask. And finally…what you wear to your first play party doesn’t matter. People ask that a lot 🙂

dawn says: 1) There is no one true way. 2) Just because you don’t like something, doesn’t mean it’s ‘wrong’ 3) consensuality is a major theme in the kink world. Don’t touch other people without permission, or other peoples stuff….and make sure you learn how to negotiate well

2. To you, how does power exchange enhance your daily life?

Dan says: I know my job, my role, my expectations, and I am fully free to be me. That never happened in my non-power exchange relationships.

dawn says: It gives me a foundational structure and stability. I don’t have to worry about who is responsible for what. There are no power-play games.

3. How do you balance vanilla life and kink? 

Dan says: I don’t. I mean, I don’t talk about what I do in the bedroom at work but no one does. And since all my friends are either kinky or kink friendly, there isn’t anything to balance.

dawn says: Same as Dan. i don’t talk about my kink or what i do in the bedroom around most family. Frankly, it’s none of their business and i don’t to hear about what they do. Otherwise, all my friends are kinky or kink-friendly and only family that i trust with all of me, get to know about my power exchange and poly relationships.

4. Are there helpful tips you can provide on parenting and being in a 24/7 power exchange dynamic?

dawn says: Dan being in charge was normal for our kids. I did not call him Master or Sir around them and he did not call me slave. But, the boys knew that they couldn’t put us in a power struggle. They knew that anything they asked me would go to Dan, regardless of how casual we kept the dynamic on the surface. And they saw us as happy people in this arrangement.

5. Is managing power exchange and poly ever a challenge? If so, what helps to overcome these obstacles?

Dan says: Oh yea. We just did a podcast about the same. For us, make sure that the new relationships are aware that the power exchange is part of things. Right up front. Some poly books will suggest all hierarchy is bad. So be up front.

dawn says: It can be a challenge if the new poly person wants to push egalatarian on me and suggest that my power exchange dynamic is ‘wrong’. There is no wrong way to do a relationship if it’s consentual by all parties. Luckily, my poly partners were aware from the beginning that i’m in a long-term power exchange relationship and i let them know up front that i won’t compromise on it. It was their choice on whether they could deal with that or not.

6. In your opinion what makes for a great scene? What makes for a bad scene?

Dan says: Great scene. Someone you trust lets you be instinctive. Not over scripted or over thought, just flows.

A bad scene is one where you try too hard or it is just physical with no deeper connection. But that is bad to me, not everyone.

dawn says: For me, my kink is power exchange. So there needs to be some domination in there for it to get me to the headspace i want to get to. That’s why i rarely do pick-up play. I need to trust the person i’m playing with.  ……i’ve only had a couple of bad scenes over 21 years. These scenes were where i was treated like an object and not a person that was part of the scene. I can’t drop my walls with these types of tops. Therefore, it’s no good for me.

7. Do you have any helpful negotiation advice that you would be willing to share with our readers?

Dan says: Be honest. Be direct. What you want, what you don’t want. “I kinda like this” will get you a kinda good scene.

dawn says: Cover the basics, what you like and don’t like. Cover aftercare. Who is responsible for it? Give a few ‘yes’s’ as to what you really like. I agree with Dan…if you go in with a ‘i don’t know’ or ‘whatever you want to do’, and don’t give any direction, more than likely it’s not going to be a great scene for you. Personally, i like to give some major boundaries, a few things that i really like and go from there. I also cover my sexual boundaries. It used to be that you didn’t have to worry about that because kink and sex were separate things. They aren’t anymore. If you don’t want someone touching your naughty bits, say so. Be confident.

8. Are you a fan of pickup play? Why or why not?

Dan says: Meh. Normally not because I tend to lean toward caution with people I haven’t played with before.

Dawn says: Not usually. Like i said before, i like to play with those that i really trust so that i can let down my walls and let them be instinctive. I can’t do that with new people. I’m not so much about the toys/kink as i am about the connection with a person and their domination.

9.Where do you feel are the best places to go to hone your kinky skills?

Dan says: There is a lot of value in classes and workshops but you need to actually put it to practice. The point of a restaurant isn’t to look at the menu…it is to eat. So go eat (er, play)

Dawn says: Classes, workshops, kink demo stations (Bottoms buffet, Kinksploritorium, they are called different things), weekend events, play parties. Lots of places available.

10. What are some red flags to look out for in the community?

Dan says: When people assume power. They assume you should respond in a certain way because they gave themselves a title.

Dawn says: i tend to look out for people that won’t meet me in public. If they want to play with me, they need to come to the Columbus Space (our community play space), or somewhere else public. …i also watch out for those with big egos that don’t take responsibility for their actions.

11. Do you have any safe online practices that you care to share with our readers? Do you believe that kink relationships can start online and/or always be online?

dawn says: i believe they can start online, but i’ve personally never started a relationship that way. I will say that i watch out for the people that ask you very personal questions right away about what you are willing to do for them. And i watch out for those that only have dick pics. And men that only have women friends. Recently, i had a woman that if i was a ‘real slave’ i’d follow her orders and chat with her through an app that i needed to download. She got pissed because i told her ‘no’. I blocked her.

12. What makes for a good Dominant?

Dans says: Be responsible. Own your mistakes.

dawn says: i like a confident dominant that isn’t arrogant. There is a difference.

13. What makes for a good submissive?

Dan says: Got me. The people in my life are very different…but they all serve in different ways.

dawn says: One that understands being a submissive is not a bad thing, and is confident in their skills, or at least working on it. One that can obey and think of things that will please their dominant….at least in my opinion.

14. Do you believe that all kink dynamics must have a vanilla component? Why or why not?

dawn says: there are all kinds of kink dynamics, so i wouldn’t say that any of them ‘have’ to have or not have, anything. There are some people that are only play partners. I have a couple of these. We play at events and that’s it. I have other play partners that does have a vanilla component, in that we text or call every now and then. With Dan, we have a 24/7 relationship, where it looks like their are vanilla components; paying bills, walking the dog, cleaning the house, etc. But, in truth, those are not vanilla. We are Power Exchange. Everything we do has Power Exchange as the foundation, so even things that look vanilla from the outside, aren’t.

15. What events and projects do you have coming up?

Dan says: We are turning our book The Polyamory Toolkit into audio editions!

dawn says: i’m on my 9th year of organizing ‘Subs in Service Intensive’. We’ve had to postpone it til later in the year. I also am a vendor and run ‘Blossom Trading Company’.

16. Any closing words?

Dan says: I run into a lot of people who say they wish they got started earlier in life. The only time you can start is now.

dawn says: If kink is part of your authentic self, embrace it! It can be scary at first because it will seem like a completely different world, with it own language, its own rules and its own culture, but you’ll get the hang of it.

About Dan and Dawn

Dan and dawn are a lifestyle couple since 2001 and have presented at over 100 events around North America. They are the authors of Living M/s: A book for Masters, slaves, and Their Relationships as well as creators of the wildly popular Kink Starter cards! They are also the co-hosts of the Erotic Awakening internet radio show, an educational podcast that explores “all things erotic”; co-directors of the Columbus Space, an alternative community center; 2016 MAsT International Member’s Choice Presenter of the Year Award winner; Great Lakes region Master & slave title holders (2010); creators of the Scarlet Sanctuary and Path of the Qadishti (sacred sexuality spaces); featured educators on both Kink Academy and Creative Sexuality; and mentioned in a number of books, articles, and other media.

How To Stay Safe Online

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Especially right now with Covid-19 going on, people are online now more than ever. It’s paramount to stay safe when meeting people online. I am writing this article to give readers helpful tips on how to stay safe and healthy when floating through cyberspace.

First and foremost, do not put your last name, address, social media handles, or any other personal information on your profile. 

If you would like to put any additional contact information in your bio, I would recommend having and/or creating an email address/social media handles that do not list your last name.

For further protection, apps such as kik and google voice can be used to keep your phone number confidential. These allow you to call and text folks you are talking to online. To me, if you would like to continue talking to someone it’s always a good idea to get off the app.

Once you are off the app, if someone presents red flags, unmatch and block them from the app right away. The same applies if they begin acting sketchy on the app too.

I suggest talking on the phone first before meeting. Not only does this help to verify the person you are talking to is real, but it’s a good way to see if there’s some sort of chemistry before meeting.

If you are going to Skype or Zoom before meeting, your username should not reveal any of your personal  information besides your first name.

When meeting someone for the first time, always meet them in a public place where others gather as well. Preferably somewhere well-lit.  It’s also a good idea to ask a friend in advance to be your “safe person.” What I mean by this is a friend that knows your location, who you are meeting, and expects you to check in during the date to let them know that you are okay. If you are comfortable sharing your location on your phone with this person that can be useful too. Also, some people choose to have a “safeword” such as “vanilla” to let their “safe person” know they are okay in a coded language. This way if the person you are meeting sees the text, they will not know what you’re talking about.

I suggest meeting someone for coffee on the first date/meeting.  This way if anything makes you uncomfortable or you’re really not into the person, the date is already set up to be short and has a definite beginning and end. If coffee goes well, feel free to plan a longer date for the second time around.

With this being said, always go with your gut. Before meeting, if anything doesn’t feel or seem right I would unmatch and/or block and/or report the person depending on their behavior. Overly coercive or abusive language should be blocked and reported right away. Furthermore, anything non-consensual should be reported. Chances are if they are doing it to you, they have and/or are going to speak that way to someone else. 

It’s our responsibility to our community and to others to report any unsafe behavior. We all need to ban together to keep everyone as safe as possible.

If you choose to send any kind of risque video or photo keep your face and any identifying marks such as tattoos out of it. There are a lot of non-consensual pic and video collectors out there. Some will even publish these pictures. You never know how this could come back to haunt you later.

I recommend not sending any kind of adult material until you truly know and trust someone. But that’s just my advice.

On top of all the other safe online practices listed above, if you are a sex worker, I highly reccomend never giving out your real name- first or last. Make up an alias and always stick to that. On all your online accounts that are used for work never post your real name. Have a separate email, paypal account, social media handles, etc. If anything needs to be mailed to you have a P.O box.

It’s very important to be discreet for this type of work. Keeping your personal life and work life separate is paramount. It will also help you compartmentalize work and help you to get in the headspace for work more easily.

I would also always meet clients at a residence that is different from your own. Protecting where you live is paramount.

In this day and age one can never be too careful. It’s essential to be cautious-not jaded-just cautious, mindful, and alert. I hope you have found this article helpful and filled with knowledge to think about when engaging with others online.

Lastly, I have met all of my partners online. So, I am in NO WAY against online dating. I am merely trying to create a safer cyberspace. 

If you have any further questions please do not hesitate to reach out. As always thanks for reading and stay tuned!

About the Author

Slave Bunny is involved in a wonderful and loving TPE 24/7 M/S relationship with her Master and husband. She is also the Creative Director of Kink Weekly.

She has dedicated her life to working on herself mentally, spiritually, and physically, and hopes to inspire others to do the same. Through teaching and mentoring, she hopes to help everyone in the Kink community as much as she can.

Feel free to add her on Fetlife (Slave_Bunny992) to see her upcoming workshops and classes.

Don’t Put Yourself In A Box

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Hello lovely readers!

I wanted to take some time to talk about labeling and “putting one’s self in a box.”

While using labels/identifiers are one of the ways we make sense of the world, ourselves, and others, I greatly urge one to not become married to these types of things. 

People are changing and shifting constantly. Change is part of growth and learning. If we become so invested in a particular label, this could hinder our growth.

For example, many knew me as solely a slave/submissive for years. They also knew me and my Master as monogamous. Many, most likely, assumed that I was straight.

However, as time went on, my Master and I decided to become poly. With this, came me discovering my Dominant side and re-connecting with my queer side.

I am still my Master’s slave, but I have been catering to other aspects of my personality as well.

Humans are so complex and it’s important that we allow ourselves to express all sides of ourselves.

It’s also paramount to remember that we are not black and white entities and nothing in this world is. You can be a babygirl and a Mistress. A Top and bottom. A pet and Handler. You can be any combo of things. 

Also, different people and activities bring out different parts of us. That’s one of the reasons I feel it is important to always be honing various hobbies and skills, have a multitude of friendships, etc. For most, one hobby, friend, type of workout, food etc will not fulfill someone.

The same is true for kink. That why many have various play partners, power exchange dynamics, attend different events/classes, etc

I once put myself in a box due to anxiety and a distrust of myself. Now that I have done years of self work (and will continue to do the work-because everyone can always improve), I feel very confident owning the different aspects of myself.

I am a slave, a Domme, a best friend, a daughter, a colleague, an aunt, a wife, a workout nut, a cook, a writer, an educator, etc.

Also, I want to note that one relationship can be quite multi-faceted. For example my Master is not just my Master. He is also my husband, my best friend, my confidante, my Daddy, my business advisor, my life partner etc. And I am not just his slave. I am his wife, best friend, life partner, confidante, at times caretaker,his assistant, etc.

In short, it’s important to acknowledge the complexity of relationships and individuals. True depth and meaning will come about from this. Things that are one-sided and remain one-sided will often come out “half baked.”

With this being said, I encourage you all to dive deep into yourselves and your current friendships, relationships, etc, and see if there are undiscovered aspects of any of these. Is there anything that is worth exploring further? Genuine connection comes from acceptance of all facets, sides, and aspects of a particular relationship and/or self.

Journal, do some soul-searching, communicate with your loved ones about your questions and findings.

I am sure you will be surprised and proud of what you uncover! This type of work will also help to deepen your relationships. Communication leads to understanding and understanding leads to growth and added meaning.

If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to comment below. As always, thanks for reading and stay tuned!

About the Author

Slave Bunny is involved in a wonderful and loving TPE 24/7 M/S relationship with her Master and husband. She is also the Creative Director of Kink Weekly.

She has dedicated her life to working on herself mentally, spiritually, and physically, and hopes to inspire others to do the same. Through teaching and mentoring, she hopes to help everyone in the Kink community as much as she can.

Feel free to add her on Fetlife (Slave_Bunny992) to see her upcoming workshops and classes.

Mindfulness and Community During Covid-19

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In these trying times of Covid-19, it’s important to remain positive and think of what we can do, instead of what we can’t.

This is a great time to focus on being mindful, grateful, present, and honing our relationship and kink skills. 

For example, since all my jobs are currently shut down, I have re-dedicated myself to serving my Master in ways I was able to before I went back to work-coffee service, dinner service, providing extra pleasing and backrubs, etc.

After the initial shock of Covid-19, it’s essential to think of ways that we can help our loved ones and ourselves during these difficult times.

One could work on perfecting their flogging technique or implement a new submissive training program that one usually doesn’t have time for. 

Service and mindfulness can really flourish during this period- which in my opinion is what kink and power exchange are all about.

Self-care can flourish too. Lately, I have been drawing baths for my Master with epson salts and candles. I have also been taking hikes and listening to a lot of self- help podcasts.

In short, I encourage everyone to take this time to strengthen their dynamics and themselves. Take this time to be grateful for loved ones, for nature, for your kinks, for your Dom/Dommes, for your subs, play partners, family, friends, vanilla partners, your health, your safety, your home, your food, etc.

For example, My Master and I just completed our second date of eight from the book Eight Dates by The Gottmans. It’s a great project to embark on. The book takes you and your partner(s) through eight specific dates. Each date has a specific topic attached to it. The dates’ goals are to promote bonding and strengthen one’s relationships. My Master and I have found this quite helpful. On date 2 we walked around the park holding hands before we found a bench to sit on to get into the meat and potatoes of the date. The dates help us to be proactive, promote understanding/empathy, and allow us the space to communicate on often difficult subjects in a healthy manner. I highly recommend it! Also taking time with one another before the date discussion begins promotes mindfulness and unity as well.

I have also been scrapbooking and making little gifts for loved ones. I have been writing more than ever too! 

Furthermore, it’s so important to come together as a community, as a nation, as one humanity. Connection and hope are going to keep us going strong during these times. Text, Facetime, Emails, Zoom, Phone calls, etc should be happening more than ever. Let those you love know it!

If your schedule has drastically been affected, I suggest writing a to do list of things that you usually don’t have time for and begin with that! Fill your time with fulfillment, growth, community, and knowledge! 

Learn new protocols, rituals, and skills! Review your contracts. Dive deeper into service towards yourself and others.

Make this time special, unique, and filled with growth!

I hope everyone stays healthy and safe during these trying times! As always, thanks for reading and stay tuned!

About the Author

Slave Bunny is involved in a wonderful and loving TPE 24/7 M/S relationship with her Master and husband. She is also the Creative Director of Kink Weekly.

She has dedicated her life to working on herself mentally, spiritually, and physically, and hopes to inspire others to do the same. Through teaching and mentoring, she hopes to help everyone in the Kink community as much as she can.

Feel free to add her on Fetlife (Slave_Bunny992) to see her upcoming workshops and classes.

It’s The Little Things

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Hello lovely readers!

It’s been a while. Last time I wrote I was in a 24/7 1950’s-inspired power exchange dynamic. Please refer to my 1950’s articles to gain a better understanding of what I am talking about if you are just tuning in (type in my name in the search bar and they should come up).

With wanting to buy a house, some recent medical challenges, and my PTSD recovery going swimmingly, we decided to revamp our dynamic to allow for where we need to be in life at this time. 

Afterall, power exchange, relationships, and life all take a decent amount of flexibility and adaptability. It’s unrealistic to think your dynamic and/or life will stay the same forever. 

To me, life is all about growth and growth needs change to occur. And, sure, power exchange is definitely about discipline, rigidity, structure, protocols etc. However, throughout life it’s important to revise your structure as needed. This is why regular check-ins and contract revisions are important- to make sure your dynamic is working for your current reality, and so your dynamic can add to your life/relationship and not work against it. 

Plainly put, some things are out of our control (even for D-types). It’s paramount to be able to acknowledge these things and modify as needed. It sometimes can be hard to let go of routines, rituals, protocols, etc because it makes one feel safe and/or there was so much training and work that went into them. However, it’s often quite beneficial to train on new things in order to learn new skills, and one can find a new kind of security within the new chapter of your dynamic. 

I was terrified (at first) to lose my safe, little 1950’s world where my Master could approve everything because my universe had been made so small (completely consensual by the way). But as time went on I was able to see my growth and how my power exchange dynamic had equipped me to take on these new challenges. It was quite empowering to say the least. Furthermore, due to the intense training my Master and I had done, it continually felt and feels like he is engrained in me, guiding me-even though he is not able to micromanage me like he once did.

I am so grateful for my years as a 1950’s 24/7 slave. This period prepared me to be able to work multiple jobs, cultivate wonderful friendships, gain a better handle on my anxiety/OCD/PTSD-we even became poly in the last year! All of these things would not have been possible had I not been gifted with the sacred time to just be His. Our 1950’s life was also very bonding, and helps us to stay connected during this crazy stint in our life due to how close we became, how much I relied on him, and how my sole job was to serve him/learn how I could best serve him.

Living as a 1950’s slave centered me, grounded me, and allowed me to move at my own pace. Not many people get the opportunity to do this solo; let alone to do this with someone that wishes to invest so much time and energy into you and the relationship. I cannot thank my Master enough for those years.

Going forward, I am also quite grateful for where we are at now and what the future holds. Because we are busier than we have ever been and have more challenges than we have ever had before, it’s been quite essential to hold on to what we have deemed the most important protocols and rituals such as the morning collaring ritual (among others). Sure, we have had to get creative with my new work schedule (sending a collaring video when I leave for work before my Master is out of bed), but the idea, dedication, devotion, mindfulness, and power exchange are still very much alive.

A lot of folks think that “Oh, life changed, so we gotta get rid of our D/s.” I am here to tell you that is just not true. Your power exchange can grow with you. It may look different (ours sure does). But the great thing about any kind of dynamic is, is that you can make it whatever you need it to be at any given time in your life (as long as you communicate with all partners, work together, and come up with a game plan that is consensual/wanted by all parties). 

When dealing with a major transition ask yourself: What are the core values that my relationship is about? How do these manifest in our protocols, rituals, interactions etc? 

Then ask:

Based on our current schedules, lifestyle(s), careers, wants, needs etc how can we realistically cater to these values in a tangible way? Do we need to adjust anything? What’s not realistic anymore? What’s not serving us anymore? What needs to be modified to allow our desired protocols and rituals to be implemented consistently? What needs to be added to our dynamic?

These are big questions and they may take time to answer. It may take some trial and error too. And there’s nothing wrong with that. 

The important thing is that you are working together, communicating, and trying to be flexible and adaptable for the betterment of each partner and your relationship.

Despite being in a power exchange dynamic you are still a team (a team with a team captain), but a team nonetheless. Because of this you must function as such- especially when life happens (and it will) to ensure your relationship can be as sustainable as possible.

It’s so great to be writing again! Please reach out with any questions or comments. As always thanks for reading and stay tuned!

About the Author

Slave Bunny is involved in a wonderful and loving TPE 24/7 M/S relationship with her Master and husband. She is also the Creative Director of Kink Weekly.

She has dedicated her life to working on herself mentally, spiritually, and physically, and hopes to inspire others to do the same. Through teaching and mentoring, she hopes to help everyone in the Kink community as much as she can.

Feel free to add her on Fetlife (Slave_Bunny992) to see her upcoming workshops and classes.

My Favorite Things About Power Exchange

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Power exchange, in my opinion, is such a beautiful thing for many reasons. It promotes such healthy vulnerability, communication, trust, and structure when done correctly and consensually.

Many relationships will naturally drift apart and become comfortable. However, for power exchange to truly thrive it demands that all parties remain present, proactive, and mindful.

True power exchange cannot exist when done on autopilot. To me, no relationship should exist on autopilot, but sadly many do for years or even decades.

Because D-types and s-types in a power exchange dynamic require such a high level of commitment to the relationship and to their partners, growth and connection can truly blossom because of this. Focus and discipline help to make this happen as well.

Power exchange also does not happen haphazardly. It requires thought, planning, and getting ahead of any potential problems. It demands long term thinking and knowing one’s self and one’s partner(s) on a very deep level. Contracts can help with planning as well.

It requires holding yourself accountable; honesty must be present too. Genuine communication and problem-solving cannot exist with lies and deceit.

To me, one must truly know themselves, their wants, needs, desires, and limits on such a core level before entering into a power exchange. Self work must be done before and during the dynamic. Furthermore, if the dynamic should end, self work should not reduce.

Power exchange is all about achieving your full potential via a chosen role that fulfills you on many or all levels.

Through the structure and discipline, one can grow to heights that they never knew they could.

Also, this type of relationship promotes space to gain full emotional, mental, and sexual satisfaction due to its honest and genuine qualities.

Power exchange helped me to gain a better handle on my anxiety and OCD through my Master’s guidance, support, and love too. In short, power exchange can also have positive effects on one’s mental illnesses and shortcomings.

Power exchange is something so unique, and it takes such a high level of dedication, honesty, communication, and vulnerability (that in my experience) other relationships do not offer.

As always please feel free to comment and ask questions. Thanks for reading and stay tuned!

About the Author

Slave Bunny is the Creative Director of Kink Weekly. Along with being a part of the Kink Weekly team, she is proud to announce that she will be teaching Kink classes all over the Los Angeles area this year. She gratefully belongs to her wonderful Master/husband, and wears her collar with such immense joy.

With the help of her degree in Psychology and her career in the fitness industry, she has dedicated her life to working on herself mentally, spiritually, and physically, and hopes to inspire others to do the same. Through teaching and mentoring, she hopes to help everyone in the Kink Community as much as she can.

Feel free to add her on Fetlife (Slave_Bunny992) to see her upcoming workshops and classes.

Patience Is Key To Power Exchange

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I am sure most of us have heard others in the lifestyle talk about the importance of communication, transparency, self-awareness, safety, etc.

All of these are so valuable and needed within any kind of power exchange or scene, but what we don’t talk about as regularly is that it takes patience to breed these things.

Now, I am in NO way recommending anyone to jump into anything without having these things first. I am however saying, that time should be given to foster these things. That’s why people have consideration collars, are just platonic friends first before anything else occurs, and in the Vanilla World many people date a while before making any sort of commitment.

If you are interested in someone, but are not quite sure if anything will materialize, it’s a good idea to give it some time to see what could build before giving a person or dynamic a firm “yes” or “no”. We leave ourselves open to so many more possible healthy and fulfilling opportunities this way. It also helps us to not judge others too quickly as well (which is my opinion is a skill most need to work on).

However, if you see red flags from the start or do not wish to pursue anything with an individual then it is perfectly acceptable not to pursue it in a polite and appropriate manner. We all have a finite amount of time and should never feel obligated to give everyone a chance. Again, always be polite and respectful when declining.

Furthermore, patience and time will give all involved time to see if they truly want to be in this particular relationship and can have something healthy, happy, and fulfilling with all parties.

It also allows all parties to process this new endeavor and not get overwhelmed by adding something too intense too early. Giving yourself and others time can lead to reflection and introspection too, which are essential for successful lives and relationships. You know when you think about something and then act, but later realize there is a different and better way to do that same thing? Time is the reason this occurs.

Taking your time with things also allows someone to nix black and white thinking. What I mean is that by doing this you don’t say someone is “bad” or “good” for you right a way without getting to know them. You are saying  “maybe” and solidifying a less vague answer as time goes on.

If you do decide to enter into a power exchange or relationship with someone that you were considering start small. Do not start giving your sub a million and one new protocols. Power exchange should always be realistic and manageable. I do not mean easy either. I mean something that can be challenging, but in no way detrimental and it can be realistically achieved.

Over time, protocols can be become more complex and multiply as other protocols are learned, and retained in the mind and body.

What helped me when I first became my Master’s slave was to make up mnemonics for routines, protocols, and rituals my Master expected me to carry out. Lists were also my best friend. I used to make lists and print them out so I would remember the important duties my Master had asked of me. It also felt good to cross the duties off like “Oh yes I completed that for my Master.”

After a while, I didn’t need the lists any more or the mnemonics, but if he gave me something complicated and new in the future, I might.

It’s a good idea to never forget what you did at the beginning because you made need to access those skills again.

After all, power exchange, in my opinion, is all about self growth and learning. Because of this, we should never really get too comfortable and completely forget the skills that brought us to this point.

As time goes on, you will see the rewards of what taking things slow will yield for you and your partners. You will have a more solid foundation and know your feelings about your partners and your dynamics more thoroughly. You will have taken time to be introspective and for trust to build. Communication skills can better be harnessed. You and your partners can gain a better understanding of who you are and who you are together.

In short, slow and steady does win the race, especially when dealing with something as vulnerable as power exchange.

As always feel free to ask questions and comment. Thanks for reading and stay tuned!

About the Author

Slave Bunny is the Creative Director of Kink Weekly. Along with being a part of the Kink Weekly team, she is proud to announce that she will be teaching Kink classes all over the Los Angeles area this year. She gratefully belongs to her wonderful Master/husband, and wears her collar with such immense joy.

With the help of her degree in Psychology and her career in the fitness industry, she has dedicated her life to working on herself mentally, spiritually, and physically, and hopes to inspire others to do the same. Through teaching and mentoring, she hopes to help everyone in the Kink Community as much as she can.

Feel free to add her on Fetlife (Slave_Bunny992) to see her upcoming workshops and classes.

Discipline Even When He or She Isn’t Around

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Hello everyone! I hope you are all doing well.

I have talked to some people in the lifestyle recently that think that being a submissive of any kind is just about being micromanaged and doing what the D-type says in their presence.

While this kind of dynamic can be a reality, the fact of the matter is, is that the submissive should still hold themselves accountable and follow protocol to the best of their ability even when their D-type is not around (in my opinion anyway). They should want to do these things as well; they should want to be the best submissive, slave, pet, etc they can be at all times. Now, I know all people make mistakes and no one is perfect. I am merely mentioning that the sub should want to try to be obedient at all times. Trying one’s best is all anyone can ask for-whether you are vanilla or kink.  I am not talking about brat play here either. That’s a whole different topic.

The D-type also should trust that the s-type will follow protocol even when they are not present.

Power exchange, at least in my opinion, requires an extremely deep commitment that goes beyond if someone is physically there. To me, I always feel that my Master is with me and I must always make him proud.

I think that’s what it is too. Wanting Him to be proud of me and the choice He made to own me. I also want Him to know without a shadow of a doubt that I am following His wishes too. This relieves worry or hesitation from His mind I am sure.

As a submissive, if you do not feel the urge to follow protocol when you are not in the presence of your D-type, I would do some digging into your psyche and figure out why that could be.

Do you not want to be an s-type? Do you not want to be committed to this particular D-type? Is it the protocol or ritual itself? Is there another factor that is impeding your service?

Furthermore, in my opinion, power exchange is about doing what’s right and expected of you even when no one is watching. It’s about sticking to what you agreed to and having impeccable follow through-for both sides of the slash. If anything needs to be changed, a discussion should ensue. The submissive should not modify things on their own behind the D-type’s back. On the same note, in my opinion, a responsible D-type should not change protocol without having a discussion with their submissive. Now, based on your dynamic, the Dominant might not need to gain consent to have this change take effect. However, I feel simply sitting down with your sub to discuss any changes is important nonetheless. This gives the s-type time to process and adjust accordingly.

As previously mentioned,  I am in no way saying an s-type can’t have a bad day. We all do, myself included. We all make mistakes.

What I am saying is that for a power exchange dynamic to reach optimal success and fulfillment all parties must be committed to making the other proud and happy even when they are not in the same room, state, location, etc.

When my Master goes on a business trip I am still his property and must carry about his wishes. The structure of the power exchange should not change, unless otherwise pre-negotiated.

To me, submission to my Master is in my bones. I feel physically ill if I don’t do as he desires. To right my wrongs, I always confess my errors, and would rather graciously take my punishment than to keep anything from Him. To me, to govern me effectively, He must know me completely and that includes my mistakes and weaknesses.

A successful power exchange requires such a commitment. Now, I am in NO WAY saying that  our relationship is the be-all-end-all and that everyone should have a relationship exactly like ours. We are not perfect, and are always learning, growing, and trying to better our dynamic. Being with my Master is the only power exchange I have ever known, and because of this, I am merely taking examples from my own experiences to help bring real life examples to this article. I humbly bring up the kind of commitment I feel towards my Master to hammer home the type of commitment I am referring to. However, everyone’s dynamics will most likely look quite different than ours, and that’s totally great. No one dynamic or power exchange is better than another. Again, I am just writing about my life and what I know. 

In short, the depth of the commitment to your dynamic is what matters (this goes for D-types and s-types alike).

Also, submissives shouldn’t only be on their best behavior when their D-type is present. If this is occurring, your relationship will most likely be “half-baked” and the D-type will never know you completely. Also, true trust cannot be built in this inconsistent fashion. Furthermore, manipulation and games have no place in power exchange or any other type of relationship for that matter.

So, in short, do not withhold, do act in ways that would make your Top/D-type proud (whether you are physically together or apart), and if you find that this is not possible find out why and act accordingly to achieve the healthiest outcome for all involved.

As always, feel free to ask questions and comment. Thanks for reading and stay tuned!

About the Author

Slave Bunny is the Creative Director of Kink Weekly. Along with being a part of the Kink Weekly team, she is proud to announce that she will be teaching Kink classes all over the Los Angeles area this year. She gratefully belongs to her wonderful Master/husband, and wears her collar with such immense joy.

With the help of her degree in Psychology and her career in the fitness industry, she has dedicated her life to working on herself mentally, spiritually, and physically, and hopes to inspire others to do the same. Through teaching and mentoring, she hopes to help everyone in the Kink Community as much as she can.

Feel free to add her on Fetlife (Slave_Bunny992) to see her upcoming workshops and classes.

Interview with Master Hercules

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Can you please tell us how you first become a part of this community?

Even though I know I started exploring my kinky side when I was very young.  My first real introduction to the lifestyle was when I was 20, so almost 30 years ago.  Back then I met a woman, who I refer in my conversations as my Mrs. Robinson. She was not married but she was older than me by 20 years, a cougar before there was even term for that.  She was the one who introduced me to the lifestyle first in one on one play and then into more group settings and back then there were not really any public places to go, but there were private events and clubs.  Also, when I started my exploration into this I started out as a slave and was one for about 11 years.

When did you know you were a Dominant? How did this information change/impact your life?

I have always been dominant in some way in my life, even in my slave years.  Of course, in my early years I had my kink side, which of course had to stay hidden.  Then there was my Vanilla life for which I tended to do jobs that required being more dominant, like being a bouncer.  Back on the other side in my kink life, as I mentioned I was a slave and in time that segued into being a Switch. I finally made my full transformation into being an all out Dominant in my 30s.  This was about the time I also started blending my vanilla life and kink life together an being more open about it. I have always been a man about balance and respecting and even making what we would consider feminine part of my life but then I would shut out various aspects of the masculine.  I believe once I excepted the masculine more, is when my true Dom came out. Sounds a little woo woo, but we all have our journeys, don’t we?

Did you have any fears going from vanilla to kink? If so, how did you help to assuage them?

Of course, I did.  I have been doing this for quit sometime now but it is not until in the past decade that kink has become more normalized.  Fuck, I hid my shit even from other lifestyles in the beginning, such as the swinger community (which I was a part of) because I did not want to get judged.  My first sense of normalization came from my work as an AIDS Buddy, which was a program that connected you with an individual who had AIDS and your job at that time was to help them die.  Anyways, one of my buddies I was assigned to was into kink and more importantly the leather scene. He was also a gay man and what I found inspiring about him was that he owned both those identities and did not care what others thought of him.  It because of the normalization of various communities such as the LGB (eventually TQ), swing, poly, etc. which helped me challenge those fears.

Can you elaborate on your work in the community? Can you define therapeutic Dom in your words?

I wear many hats in the work I do, and it is a spectrum at that.  At one end I am a Sex, Intimacy & Relationship Coach (a.k.a. The Pleasure Coach), as well as being a sensual bodyworker and even throw into the mix being a vanilla massage therapist and a cuddle therapist.  How did I get being a Pro Dom from all that, well as I my journey went from slave to switch to Dom, I eventually started presenting workshops and lecturing. My coaching work started becoming niche and I started working with more people exploring their kinky sides (thank you 50 Shaded of you know what) and doing mentoring.  Even my sensual bodywork expanded into including Bondassage for which I had the honor of learning from Mistress Jaeleen. The Therapeutic Dom aspect came from the idea of who I am. I enjoy helping people in many ways as you can see, and I also think kink/BDSM is very therapeutic. Say you are being flogged. 1. Flogging (done right) is very grounding 2.  Depending on the type of flogger, flogging and the person flogging you. A flogging session can actually feel wonderful on the body. 3. During a session, the person receiving can go into sub space and experience a connection between the mind, the body and the energy (spirit) around them. In many ways this like a regular massage and has many therapeutic values.

In your opinion how do therapy/mental health and kink work together?

Yes, they do and there has been a good amount of information coming out about this, especially from organization like the Center For Positive Sexuality http://positivesexuality.org  In my area of work I do a form of work called Therapeutic Spanking.  What I do approaches it on a rather simple level but there are far more advanced ways it has been used.  For the people I work with, we use it for several areas, but the most common area is for grounding. I have a client I work with who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and her explanation of how the spanking works for her, is that when she starting to get into a bad state of being, she feels disconnected from her physical body.  The spanking for her helps her reconnect and become more present with in her body and mind/

Are there mental health benefits from practicing kink/BDSM? Can kink/BDSM ever be detrimental?

Of course there are benefits and with recent studies, I am sure we are just hitting the tip of the iceberg.  On the most basic level, I see with kink/BDSM it helps with one’s self, whether it is with awareness or esteem which gives people a better sense of well-being.  With that said though, with ever positive there is a negative, so yes there are detrimental sides. I just mentioned that kink/BDSM can in positive way help with someone’s self esteem, but I have also found that there are those who try to enter this lifestyle who have low self esteem about themselves.  My experience has been that they are trying to find connection at any cost and they feel if they partake in this community they will get what they need even if it hurts them not just physically but mentally. For individuals like this, they need to step back from the community and do self-work for themselves and then if they are still interested they should try again.

Are you currently working on any new projects? If so, what are they?

Well I am always trying to work, train and teach.  In the past year, when I can I have been researching and discussing the effect that SESTA/FOSTA has had on our community, especially the Pro aspect.

I have also been talking and looking for photographers about an idea for combining people into kink and their everyday lives

What is your overall mission concerning kink/BDSM and the Kink Community? How does your work go about accomplishing this?

To make everyone kinky …. I wish but it is a happy thought.  Honestly, I work to be the best kink positive person I can be and lead by example.  I want to stand by the work I do and continue to talk, educate and be there for others.

What is the most rewarding thing(s) about your job?

The fact that I get to do this for a living.  I know it is a generic answer, but it is so true.  To expand though, it is a physical, mental and energy high, when I am done working with a client and you have met her needs.

What is the most challenging thing(s) about your job?

For me is that I can only do this part time.  It is not easy being a male Pro Dom always, especially if you only work with female identified clients.  Even though women have come along way with their sexuality and paying for it, exploring kink/BDSM is whole different ball game which requires trust and that is a good thing but still makes it difficult. I mentioned it before, SESTA/FOSTA laws make is hard to advertise my services.

How do you separate working in the community from your personal life?

I do not really separate honestly.  I am and will always be kinky, it is who I am.  When I am working on a professional level, I do have to take a step away from that in mindset that that is work, just like I do with any of my other work.  However, since kink is part of my life. I must remind myself, it is not work and you still can have fun. I hope that makes sense.

In your opinion what makes for a good Dom/Domme?

Wow, how many pages do I need to answer this.  Okay let us, start by say what a bad Dom is. In many cases these are the ones I call “Wanna Be Doms”.  Generally male identified but can be female identified as well. They are all talk, domineering not dominant and have a perception of kink/BDSM of what they think it is and not what it is.

Now a good Dom, whatever identified gender, has many qualities.  I find the first quality is that they are authentic and who they are.  I call myself Master Hercules, because master is the archetype I decided to connect with and use, but that is not what makes me a good Dom. Hercules, the person behind that title is what make me a good Dom.  With that I feel that a good Dom is good in communicating and expressing their true intentions, which is especially good in today consent culture. They are who they are and do not have to boast about themselves.  

What makes for a good submissive?

Another question that could surely go on for pages.  In many ways, what I said about a good Dom correlates to a good submissive.  For me personally, I look for those who able to articulate their desires and limits openly and honestly.  Someone who can think outside the box. A person who is committed and not going to ghost you. Since the list can be quite extensive, I would say a submissive must trust you enough to submit to you

What is the number one common misconception that needs to be dispelled concerning the Kink and Fetish Communities? How can we go about eradicating this?

This is what I say when I am I talking to an audience.  There is nothing wrong with me or other in kink/BDSM. I have not mental health issues, I was not abused as a child, I am a Spiritual Atheist, so I did not practice organized religion.  All the bad press and negative things that you have been told that are part of kink/BDSM and that are wrong for people that are in the scene, have never happened to me. I am like you in many ways, but I like to cause pain to people who give me consent and desire to receive it.  How we can eradicate it is simple just by having honest discussions about it.

Any closing words?

Nothing profound but thank you for the opportunity to so this.  I love that there are outlets like Kink Weekly that are out there for us kinksters.

About Master Hercules

Master Hercules is a Pro Dom who has been active non – professionally & professionally in BDSM for over 20 years and plays with in many aspects of BDSM lifestyle.  His approach to kink/BDSM is that of a Therapeutic aspect, which is why Hercules refers to himself as a Therapeutic Dom.  He is a Kink Educator who speaks and teaches in various aspects of kink/BDSM, as well coaching others in the lifestyle. 
Master Hercules http://www.MasterHercules.com
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/masterhercules/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/MasterHerc