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The Downside Of Demonstrating Submission

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly! 

This week, I was chatting with a submissive who had been dismissed from her mistress’ poly household because she was unable to control her jealousy and need for attention. Now, almost a year later, she has returned asking for forgiveness and swearing that she’s changed. 

I correspond with the mistress fairly frequently. In the past, she has shared the issues with this particular submissive, and last year, I provided a sounding board when she was torn about dismissing this submissive. I got good insight into the types of challenges that they were facing and saw how the submissive was creating an intolerable situation; being demanding and emotionally taxing. Dismissal was appropriate. Now, the submissive is begging to come back and promising great change. As is the tendency in these cases, my friend seems to have forgotten the problems of the past and wants to believe that the submissive has changed her ways. The submissive reached out to me, feeling the need to tell me how she’s changed and how “things will be different this time” and how she “will show the dominant how much she’s changed”. 

I have the luxury of being emotionally detached from the situation – and so my memory serves me a bit better than that of my friend. I’m a believer in adjustment and in lessons learned – which this submissive has clearly experienced – but the way she worded her intent made me skeptical that change is possible. 

At the root of my doubt is an issue that’s very common among sub-centric submissives; the notion that they can “demonstrate submission”. 

Demonstrating submission is a sub-centric activity. It may not seem that way at first, because the stated objective is to show how good their submission is, but “demonstrating something” is an action that requires that the one to whom the demonstration is given, observe and acknowledge the performer. The focus of attention during a demonstration is on the demonstrator. 

This feeds the sub-centric psyche. The focus of attention is on them. They are the performer. They are being watched and judged. The dominant is forced into the position of having to “write the review” of the performance – and determine if the show stays open. Even though the sub’s actions are stated to be for the dominant, their actual intent is self-serving. 

Imagine what’s going to happen if the dominant is preoccupied with something (or someone) else while the submissive is trying to demonstrate their improved submission. What if the dominant is just not paying attention at that point and time? Will the sub feel that their efforts are being neglected or ignored? Should the sub wait until the dominant is paying attention to demonstrate their submission? That wouldn’t be very good submission, would it? 

I’m not saying that subs shouldn’t get feedback. All subs are entitled to get feedback. They have no other way to improve their submission. For those of you who’ve read my books, you will remember CERAF, the acronym that stands for what I consider to the be the primary responsibility of a dominant: Communication, Expectation, Recognition”, “Assessment” and “Feedback”. The last three steps are all 

about seeing the sub’s efforts, assessing them, and providing the feedback to help them improve. How does “RAF” differ from a sub trying to demonstrate their submission? 

The difference is in “Demand”. It’s one thing to want to be the best submissive you can be – internalize your dominant’s expectations and use their assessment and feedback to make adjustments – it’s completely another to make the intent of your actions to force acknowledgement of them. The intent of a good submissive is to serve the dominant – and internalizing feedback and making adjustments are the best ways to reach that objective. But when the intent is to force acknowledgement, to PROVE something to the dominant, to get the dominant to admit that improvement – that’s when it becomes manipulation and self-centered behavior. 

Submission is a commitment that you make; a dedication to a dominant. Your focus is on the dominant – their expectations, their preferences, and their desires. Submission is “good” when the dominant feels that it’s good. The dominant doesn’t need to be “Shown” how good submission is – we feel it. A good dominant will provide that feedback at appropriate times and on their own schedule, but not because it’s demanded in order to confirm the submissive’s objective. 

A exaggerated example, to demonstrate the difference, can be seen in this tale of two submissives, tasked to clean a bathroom: 

Submissive #1 Cleans the bathroom. Does the very best job they can and heads on to do their next chore. The dominant eventually uses the bathroom and calls the sub in an says, “Nice job, but next time be sure to wash the tops of my makeup and cold cream containers”. The sub notes that so they can do it the next time. 

Submissive #2 Says, “Thank you Goddess…I’m going to clean the bathroom and I’m going to make it SPARKLE! You’ll see”. The sub cleans the bathroom and then seeks out the dominant. “Would you like to inspect my work?” If the dominant is not interested in inspecting the work, submissive #2 sulks, until, eventually the dominant relents and inspects the work. Submissive #2 is anxiously awaiting acknowledgment that the dominant sees how good a job they did. The fact that cold cream container cover is not cleaned becomes an issue that submissive #2 interprets as a failure to demonstrate their improved submission. The dominant, feeling this pressure, might even not mention the cold cream container – just to avoid the emotional tumult. 

OK…that’s an exaggerated scenario – but it highlights the underlying intents…and whether they’re as blatant as this example or not, they are FELT. 

Being the audience of a demonstration demands attention. Being the presenter adds pressure and makes criticism personal. Dominants need to provide feedback and submissives need to listen, internalize, and adjust – but an intent to serve must not manipulate a dominant. Don’t demonstrate your submission – just submit. 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Does A Slave Have Autonomy?

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There is no greater debate in the BDSM community than when it comes to definitions.  Since BDSM is a personal journey, how we define things is molded by our experiences.  We are influenced by the people we are with.  Through both good and bad encounters, we are constantly growing, changing, and evolving.

Today, class, we are going to discuss an age-old argument.

What is the fundamental difference between a submissive and a slave?

I do not have the answer.  But I would like to have a debate with you and share the debates I’ve had with Master.

If you have ever googled the definition of a submissive, you will understand why I refuse to repeat that definition.  Instead, I’m going to put down my thoughts on what each of these roles are.

*A submissive is an individual who willingly allows another to take responsibility and control of aspects of their life in an effort to grow as a person. 

*A slave is an individual who has willingly given themself and their decisions over to another with minimal to no reservation.

The best description I have heard, and how I apply it to my dynamic, is “a submissive gives over their body and their mind.  A slave gives over their body, mind and soul.”  The author implied that being a slave was a deeply spiritual experience unparalleled to anything else.

While I agree with their thought process, this is where people diverge on defining the difference.  Words like true and real frame expectations into these little boxes and allow us to separate each other.  If you do X, then you aren’t a real Dom.  If you can’t do X, you must not be a true sub.  In reality, the depth of the dynamic, to me, is built within the confines of the mind.  The rest is just the show.

Regardless of title, both require trust and communication.  

A submissive is seen as a strong, independent individual who kneels out of love and respect for a Dominant.  A slave is seen as someone who has gotten in too deep and has no recourse to leave.  A submissive can negotiate and set limits while slaves are expected to be doormats.  While many view a slave as the ultimate submissive partner (the dream of many 50 shaders and the expected goal of all who kneel), we view them through a harsh lens.

When the life of a slave is imagined, it often involves a 24/7, live-in situation.  These are individuals who have no opinions, no decision making, are chained to the bed by the ankle, never allowed to leave the house, and are at the whim of a Master/Mistress.  Outside of the community, they are viewed a sex slaves who are trapped and abused.

Above all, the identifying factor of slave implies that an individual cannot have limits or a safeword.

I think that is bullshit.

I had a long debate with Master over this.  See, as you all know, I alternate between calling him Mister and Master.  One is family friendly; one is kink friendly.  I see him as the Master of all things in my life.  

I have willingly given him control of my physical being—through correction and health decisions.  I have willingly given him control over my emotional being—through communication, sharing of burdens, and the influence of my mental health.  Lastly, I have willingly given him control over my soul—I bare it before him each time I kneel and each time I lay before him, so lost in subspace I don’t know my own name.  

I trust him with my life and my mind.

That’s a lot of fucking responsibility to lay upon someone.

We talked about our dynamic thoroughly in the beginning and continue to do so.  He does not desire a slave.  He says that he does not have the time nor attention that is required of one.  

Because, how he was taught, slaves are seen and not heard.  They are to do absolutely nothing, short of breathing, without the go ahead of their Master/Mistress.  

Master hates the term slave when it references me.  It upsets him.  So, out of respect for him, I identify myself as his submissive.  This does not change the dynamic we have.  All it really changes is how people imagine us to be.

By Master’s definition, I am not like that.  

I do speak my mind when I feel it is important enough.  I do take financial responsibility of a portion of our house.  I do work outside the home and do so in a managerial position.  I am an Alpha outside of our home.  Because of this, I do not fit with what the “traditional” definition of a slave.

However, I view it differently.

I speak my mind to keep my Master healthy and happy.  I offer ideas that may ease his daily burden.  I speak to calm him when life gets frustrating.  I think of the worst types of jokes in an effort to make him laugh.  I ground him so he remembers to take care of himself the way he takes care of me.

I work as a service to the household.  I do what is needed to provide for our family and keep us safe and comfortable.  I take part of the financial responsibility, so it does not lay squarely on his shoulders.

My rules do not cease simply because I am outside of the house.  The blanket consent I have with him, does not change when the scenes end.  His decisions are still final, even when I disagree with the outcome.  

I have a safeword to use when needed.  We use the color system.  Green for good, yellow for check-in, and red for stop.  I have never had to use red.  We both trust each other enough, that if I have to utter red, something seriously went wrong.  We use the safe words for unexpected situations.  Was I hit accidentally in a place?  Yellow.  Do I need to readjust due to pain or numbness? Yellow.  Do I need a check-in because the gag is aggravating my asthma? Yellow.

I have yet to come to a situation that requires me to have him stop.  Every situation I’ve given examples of are parts of play that could unintentionally injure or break me.  If you break your toys, you can’t play anymore.  So, we make sure no one is broken.

In the long run, our relationship is what we want it to be, regardless of the labels pressed upon us.  Yet, I’d love to see the definition of slave to broaden and develop, just as the community has.  I do not need to stay at home to have a deep, spiritual connection with Master.  I do not need to be meek and unfailingly obedient to be a good girl.  And I sure as fuck do not need to be anything less than what I am to kneel before him and call him Master.

I have all the rights granted to everyone.

I just choose to gift them to someone else.

My name is Joji.  I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42.  I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling.  I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay.  I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning.  I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan.  I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education).  It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement.  We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.

Erotica: Echie Grown

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***all pieces of erotica are based on safe, sane, and consensual practices. We never condone anything that is NOT consensual.

“Thrall, come here,” he said, wiping his fingers on a cloth in his lap.

​She was the only other Thrall in camp besides Peeper, so Echie knew he must mean her. She hurried around the ring of officers. “I don’t have wine, Master.”

​“I don’t want you to fill my goblet. Put the pitcher on my table and assume the position.”

​She complied and was kneeling beside his table in seconds, knees wide and arms loose, looking up to him with confusion.

​“I’ve been watching. Do you feel as changed as you look?”

​Her mouth dropped open, mind startled into silence. “I—I don’t know how to answer, Master.”

​The play of emotion on her face was new as well. None of the anger that used to be there. 

​“Not once in these days since I arrived have I seen you paddled. Not once have you earned a punishment. This is not normal and I have noticed. What has brought about this change?”

​She blinked at him, taking pause. Also a new action for her. Echie spoke quick, heedless to any impropriety.

​“Master Jacek , Your Highness,” she said quietly.

​“How has he managed to do what no one else could?”

​“I—I don’t know, Master.”

​“That answer is not acceptable. Give it again and I will cane you. What is it Master Jacek does that makes the most disobedient cunt in court suddenly become the example for all on what a good slave should be? Answer me.”

​“It has not felt so sudden to me, Master,” she nearly whispered, eyes lowered. “It has been a very long and hard road. What does Master Jacek do?” She looked up to Preece again, disconcertion plain in her eyes. “Everything. He demands more of me than anyone else ever has.”

​“His punishments are worse than mine?”

She nodded.

​“What is his punishment when you misbehave?”

​“I kneel in the corner.”

​“That’s it?” Preece questioned. “He puts you in the corner of his tent and this is somehow a worse punishment than my favorite cane?”

​Echie nodded, swallowing nervously. She had to answer honestly, but was beginning to fear that she was going to anger him.

​“Why?” he asked, keeping his tone even and non-threatening.

​“Why, Master?”

​“That is what I said.”

​She shifted her weight, eyes lowering again to think and not looking up again when she had her answer. Yes, very different indeed. 

​“Because to have your cane is to have your attention. To have a paddling from one of the grooms, or Morcone or…anyone…is to have some sort of attention paid to me. The sting for the rest of the day and the marks for a day or two remind me of those attentions. When Master Jacek puts me in the corner, he does not touch me or speak to me. I am completely ignored until he is no longer angry with me. He also has me wait in a corner for him if he has no use for me but I am sent to him,” she ended offhand.

​“No use for you? Does he not fuck you every chance he gets?”

​“He does not, Master. Maybe one day in four.”

​“I see. How is punishment different from waiting?” Preece asked.

​“For punishment I face the corner, Master. For waiting, he now allows me to face the center of the tent and we may converse.”

​“Now allows you to face center? Why now?”

​“At first…well, when he first came…when I was…before—“  She stopped, took a breath. “Forgive me, Master…I really don’t—“  She halted again, realizing the word that was about to follow and searching fast for different ones. “…have words to explain.”

​“Yes you do. Stop worrying that every word is going to get you into trouble and say what it is that Jacek did or does that makes you so changed. Don’t make me repeat the question again.”

​Her brow creased, pinching her eyes in distress. She heaved a breath and started again.

​“When I was bad, no one really seemed to care. The Masters would smile and chuckle and it didn’t matter. I could be as bad as I wanted and no one did anything but give me some whacks. I wasn’t special to anyone, like Hanar is special to Master Rainko and Dohan was special to you. Not even when I was the King’s favorite, short lived as that was,” she mused. “I didn’t have anyone to please because no one expected me to try to please. Master Jacek never smiled or laughed when I was bad. He was the only one who ever told me so long as I continued to behave in that manner I would never be anything more than a cunt for fucking.”

​Her brow creased, not liking the thought.

​“I realized he was right. Even the Queen only saw me as a disobedient cunt. That’s why she brought me on the tour to be the example on how to discipline. She expected me to be bad and earn punishments so she could show the entire country how to properly punish a disobedient cunt.” 

​A realization she did not like one bit.

​“Jacek was the only one who insisted I behave,” she continued in softer tone. “From the first time we met, Jacek told me I would wait in the corner until he wanted to use me. And that I would earn the privilege of serving his table.”

​“Did he even have you serve his wine?” Preece asked, finding her tale an interesting one.

​“Cunts only fuck. They do not serve Master wine. Cunts don’t have a name or open doors and they don’t speak. They are a set of orifices for use and nothing more.”

​“How did you like that?”

​“I didn’t, Master. Not one bit. For the first time since I can remember, I wanted to please someone. I had to work to please him, work to earn my name, even to wear the flowers of Thrall.”

​“And so here you are two months later, sitting to the Queen’s left.”

​Echie nodded, her eyes coming up to his in plain truth. “I don’t know how it happened. I was just trying to get through one day after the next, sometimes one hour into the next.”

​“When is the last time you were caned or paddled?”

​She had to think on that. “For punishment or for Master’s pleasure, Master?” she asked.

​“Punishment.”

​Her face pulled back, eyes widening as her mind sought backwards. “Um…a couple weeks, I guess?”

​“And the last you got for a Master’s pleasure?”

​“A couple nights before we arrived at Lord Quye’s home, I think.”

​“Is a caning something you want to have for pleasure now?” he asked.

​“Not particularly, Master,” she replied quietly.

​“Why not?”

​“I’d rather have intimate attentions and be close with touching and kisses than receive a caning, Master.”

​“Why?” he pursued.

​“I don’t kn—I mean…”  She sighed hard and he could see she was coming close to tears for trying to supply so many acceptable answers.

​“Is it that you have found the value in Master’s most tender touch when before all you understood of love was his paddle?”

​Her relief was visible and she nodded vehemently.

​Preece looked to Dohan and Jacek sitting across from him with empty dinner trays. “Doe, go to my wagon and bring the short frame. Show Jacek how to set it up.” 

​Echie startled out of her skin, having not heard the two men return to eat. How long had Jacek been listening? Had he heard her full confession?

​The wood rectangle was brought and Jacek learned how to stake it to the ground on both sides. The base was a square for stability and the overhead portion high enough to stretch a slave tall on her knees. When it was ready, Preece stood in front and snapped his fingers sharply. Peeper and Echie both presented themselves, looking up to him and waiting. He pointed at Echie, then gestured to the frame. She crawled forward and he swiftly bound her wrists overhead. Walking around to see her from all sides, he noticed the soldiers drifting over to watch the show. 

​“Peeper, service this quim until you are told to stop.”

​Echie’s mouth fell open in a gasp. She had never been strung up to a tree in the courtyard to receive such reward. She had always been one to make a slave scream and cum for the Masters’ enjoyment. Tonight it would be her squirming and her crying out to amuse their eyes and ears.

​Peeper’s wide open mouth closing over the flesh of her womanly mound held a new, sensuous quality, the eyes of the soldiers new meaning. The sound of a strap landing caused her to flinch as if it struck her own back. He didn’t swing the strap hard, only enough to make a good noise and give Peeper a little incentive. He was careful to aim for her upper back, keeping well away from her bruised bottom. It wasn’t long before she had Echie straining in the shackles and screeching in climax. The soldiers chuckled and commented on Preece’s strap technique.

​He barely heard them, attention focused tightly on the two slaves, gauging every movement and expression. He paused the strap to step inside his tent and bring out his thicker cane. An end under Peeper’s chin backed her from Echie to wait. He rolled his sleeves another flip to rest above his elbows. A hand slid down Echie’s arms to cup her breast and give a firm squeeze as he bent low to Peeper’s ear to whisper instructions.

​Cane in right hand, strap in the other, he brought the strap down on the diagonal to land a long kiss from right shoulder blade to left ribs. She rose up to lip Echie’s nipple and he gave her a few seconds before swinging the cane. It struck Echie’s right buttock and she gasped with the thudding jolt. No pain, but the smack was firm. A strike to Peeper, the next to Echie, increasing each in force and speed until Echie was taking as hard as he wanted to deliver it. Not nearly as hard as he could swing, of course. Not nearly so hard as Peeper could tolerate. But strength wasn’t the point. Making her scream wasn’t the point, though her grunts and gasps were gorgeous. She took a full hour, perfectly capable of taking more.

​Squirming and tensing on her knees, Peeper’s lips offering a tender caress to balance the sudden,  thuds, Echie was being driven to a new level of need. When he slid his hand, cool and soft, over her hot, welting buttock, she shivered for him in a way she had not previously. His hand slipped between and under to find her slickness. The touch sent a gruff, startled cry from her, brought her jerking downward in spontaneous climax. The shackles would not let her go far, however.

​The soldiers chuckled knowingly, joked about how she could take them all on. Preece grinned at Captain Kron’s declaration that he would have her first.

​“If I ordered her to, I’m sure she would. But I think she is craving the cock of a specific Master,” he said, handing Peeper the cane and sending her to his tent with it.

​He bent again, to Echie’s ear, his hand under her chin to force her face upward. Her eyes fluttered open, glazed and dreamy. Her first deep and real Dream Space.

​“When you please Master Jacek, you please me. When you displease Master Jacek, you displease me.” He opened the shackles, expecting the fall to her forearms on the wooden platform.

​“You could all mount her exactly like this and she wouldn’t give a single protest. Would you, cunt?” he asked, the tip of his boot nudging her thigh.

​Gasping for air, she couldn’t reply. She had known the beating slave’s dream space from many, many paddlings, but this was the first time she had been given sexual stimulation during any beating. It was totally different, far deeper a sensation, like floating half outside herself. Certainly the longest caning she had taken. She had not wanted it to end. He’d not even touched her left butt cheek. Or her thighs. There was much more caning to be done before she would be satisfied it was enough.

​“Master Jacek, the slave Echie is to be rewarded for her honesty and her diligent service this day. Use her as you choose.”

Excerpt from the novel PEEPER
Universal link: https://books2read.com/u/bOxRLK

TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She’s been doing this BDSM stuff for over 30 years in private and more than 10 years in public venues. 

She is an award-winning author who has written two “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and over twenty fiction books that you can find on Amazon. https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2

You can find more of her work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828
FB Fan Page — https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseGethis/
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She enjoys crochet, coffee, and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.

Anticipatory Service: Is it Right for Your Dynamic?

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!

People’s preferences differ. Dominants are no exception. One topic that generates lots of debates among dominants – and therefore, confusion among subs – is the area of Anticipatory Service. To some (myself included), having a submissive who is so in-tuned with my definition of dominance and submission, that they can consistently accurately act in accordance with my preferences, without needing to be told and without needing to ask for permission, is the pinnacle of good submission. To others, it’s a repulsive idea.

When I mention Anticipatory Service, I’m often met with, “Subs make terrible mind-readers!” I respond that the notion that anticipation requires reading someone’s mind is completely erroneous. Yes, anticipatory service requires that the sub be focused on the dominant quite a bit. They need to remember things, be observant, and present. It requires that the sub be attentive, empathetic, and a little intuitive. But they’re not expected to be a mind-readers. Rather, they’re expected to internalize their dominant’s preferences and apply them to their decisions.

There are dominants who prefer that the sub never take the initiative to act on their behalf and to never make their own decisions. They may allow the submissive to make suggestions, but never to act without instruction / permission to do so. They prefer the method of “Recall and Obey”: Only allow the sub to act on their own when it’s in response to a standing directive (e.g., Every Tuesday AM do this…Every time I do that, you do this).
For me, this plays on the difference between “Information” and “Instruction”. Information provides the “Why” of a request, whereas Instruction provides the “How”. If I inform the sub that I want something done and provide the basis for them to determine what “correct” is, they are given the responsibility of determining how to do it to my expectation.

If I provide instruction, they are to “obey” and follow those instructions. In my opinion, a sub following instructions will, at best, meet expectations – whereas a sub who is given information can exceed those expectations. For me, a sub who can exceed my expectations is a top-notch sub!

To clarify this distinction, I propose the following scenario:
Let’s say a dominant tells her sub, “From now, until I tell you otherwise, you are to bring me a glass of wine with a bowl of fruit each evening when I sit down to watch TV.”

The sub does so, each evening: Recall and obedience.
Tomorrow, the dominant has an appointment with the doctor and will be getting her blood taken to test for blood sugar levels. The sub knows this and knows that she cannot have the sugar from the fruit, nor from the alcohol, but it’s slipping the dominant’s mind – and she isn’t telling the sub to do anything different.

The sub has some choices:

1. Pure recall and obedience would edict that the sub does what he’s told to do, anyway – as he wasn’t told NOT to do it…so he would blindly obey. He brings the glass of wine and fruit, obediently.
2. Inquire, don’t act: The sub reminds the dominant of her blood test the next day and asks if he should bring the wine and cheese anyway. The dominant would then tell the submissive if she would have something else instead.
3. Anticipatory: The sub reminds the dominant of her blood test the next day and shows her that he prepared an alternate snack that doesn’t impact the blood work, and offers it as an option to her. If the alternative is not what she wants, she’ll send him off for something else, otherwise, she’s all set.

Given this example, some dominants are going to choose #2; not wanting the sub to act without permission. Frankly, I don’t see too many choosing #1, as that strikes me a bit more like fantasy play than reality. You all can likely guess that I’d prefer #3. I don’t mind allowing the sub to use their minds and not rely only on me.

If my sub were choosing the alternative snack for me, it wouldn’t be chosen out of the blue – nor would it be chosen because he miraculously “read my mind” – it would be chosen based on his best understanding of my preferences, the situation as it stands, (in this case) his knowledge of blood tests and the impacts of what I ate / drank prior to drawing the blood, and any other factors that might influence my preference (e.g, What I ate earlier in the day – if he knows that, if I will be working out later – if he knows that, what I’m having for dinner – if he knows that, etc.).

All of those “If he knows that”s are important to note. He’s not expected to know everything – he can’t read my mind. He’s expected to take whatever he knows and use it to make his best, educated, anticipation. Obviously, the more in-tuned he is with me; the more he is aware of my patterns and the way I prefer to handle situations, and the more observant he can be – the more educated and accurate his anticipation will be. This would give him the best chance of arriving at a solution that will please me.

And if he doesn’t get it right, that’s OK too. I don’t get mad at my sub if he anticipates incorrectly – as long as he was truly trying to the best of his ability and as long as he learns from his mistakes. If he gets something wrong (or not right), then it’s a learning experience that will influence and improve his anticipation skills in the future. We’re in this, together, for the long haul.

I assure you, that when a sub gets it right and comes up with something PERFECT that I, myself, might not have even thought of – exceeds my expectations – that’s heaven! Consider that, If he’s obedient, the best I can get is what I can think of. Whereas, if he gets good at anticipating, and is encouraged to do so, I can get surprised by things that may be even BETTER than what I would have thought of! Two minds can be better than one – as long as they’re focused on the same objective (my happiness)!

If you’re a submissive, be sure to take your lead from the unique dominant to whom you’re submitting. Don’t assume anticipatory service is better because Rika said it is for her. You are a student, who needs to learn your dominant’s preferences – particularly when it comes to the style of submission they would like. Also, submissives, don’t try to push your preferences onto your dominant. You might like to never be allowed to make a decision on your own, but your dominant may not like the pressure / burden that places on them. If your goal is to make your dominant pleased with your service as their submissive, focus on their preferences and adapt to deliver to the best of your ability.

If you’re a dominant, make sure you understand and communicate your preferences to your submissives. Usually dominants don’t need to be told that, but you might be surprised how often dominants either forget, or try to appease their submissives. Know what you prefer and assure your submissive understands it. Then expect it to be done the way you prefer!

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Journaling While Under Consideration

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***under consideration is an optional step/stage in the power exchange dynamic process. It can involve petitions, contracts, consideration collars, etc. It is essentially the step before being officially entering into a power exchange relationship. But again it is not needed to enter into a power exchange dynamic.

Journaling is often heavily used in power exchange dynamics as a tool for the submissive to learn, grow, and express themselves.

Sometimes, I think it is important to go back to the basics.

When I was taken under consideration by Master, his main requirement was journaling.  I was to answer the same question, every day, and see how my viewpoints evolved over time.  His question: What is one kinky thought I had today?

My first few entries were sexual.  While I was aware that BDSM and sex are not mutually exclusive, the word kinky led me towards it.  Slowly, over the span of a few weeks, you can start to see less mention of sex and more mention of my internal struggles.

So, I thought I would share with you a few snippets from my “under consideration” journal.  I have never let anyone other than Master read these.  They are deeply personal, and my stomach sits heavy with anxiety as I type these up. I am starting with just a few from the very beginning for this go around.

These have not been edited or transformed in any way.  They are simply transcribed so I could share with you my thoughts from then to now.

Day 3

Today was slightly different.  I spent a good majority of time contemplating what qualifies.as kink.  To me, kink is both sexual and lifestyle driven.  It seems to reflect an acceptance of my choices, my likes and dislikes, my thoughts, my goals, and all associated knowledge gathering for the BDSM part of my life.  So, when I think about my kinky thoughts, I drift towards a goal.  I would like to learn about the Leather lifestyle, and I would like to live it.  I would like to be mentored by you in regards to it.  I spent a while after work looking up information and compiling questions.  I expect that part of the journey is the search for knowledge and self-reflection, but I would appreciate a guiding hand.

I’ve thought about our previous conversations in regards to living by guidelines; by a code of conduct.  I am unsure what the virtues Leather outlines so I’ve decided to list what I find important and compare it later on.

Patience– Is it always important to remember that anything worth having is worth waiting for.

Honor– There is nothing more important than knowing that someone’s promise, their word, is a binding contract that will be supported and defended.  It is also essential that whatever virtues and personal laws that guide someone are worth defending.

Respect– You should be an individual who carries themselves in such a way as to not only deserve respect but be willing to give it as well.

Even Tempered– You should never be feared by those you trust, never act in a moment of high emotion, be able to assess a situation with detachment, and be known as someone who is clear headed and fair.

Trust– While I believe trust is gained, and can be lost, one must be willing to cherish the trust placed in their hands and be able to be willing to take someone into confidence, if earned.

**I know there are more virtues I consider important, but I am currently drawing a blank.  Therefore, I will leave it as is and revisit this thought process later on.

Day 13

Today, I got to ask the question of the day on KIK.   I asked, “when negotiations are required, are they more in depth with a short term or long-term partner?”

To me, negotiation is the foundation of the progression of a relationship.  My negotiations are all based on long-term relationships and goals. 

In the group, J relayed her thoughts on negotiations.  She viewed every decision as a negotiation.  For example, if a Dom says no, then a sub lists the reasons they disagree with the answer, and then a final decision is made is a negotiation.  I was surprised how much I disagree with that.  In a D/s situation, my negotiation for every day decisions would be the consent to being a submissive and consent to service as such.  The rest is filler.  Regarding play, I can see a need for extra negotiation, but not in everyday situations.

I wonder if I am wrong.  I wonder if my view is too narrow.  It somewhat confuses me.

I also wonder if I am just strange.  When I negotiated with Sir, I had one rule.  As long as I, or our wives, had not verbally stated something was not allowed, then Sir has the right to try it.  I call it “blanket consent.”  To me, if I cannot trust someone enough to allow such consent, then I should not submit to them.

Is that wrong?

Day 17 

I struggle with submission.  I recognize the “big” moments that require me to listen and obey.  But, those “little” everyday moments are hard to let go.  I struggled over a ridiculous order and you asked me to write about it.

My mom and Graa came out to visit, as a surprise.  Because of this, we went to visit.  As we were getting ready, I realized I only had my tennis shoes.  I started looking for a pair of socks.  After a couple of minutes, you told me to wear your sandals.  I told you, “no, its fine.”  You stated otherwise.  When you said “three” and started the countdown, I paused, I stopped searching, and I tensed.  “Two.”  No movement, no words, no obeying.  “Now.”  I moved, almost reluctantly.  However, I listened.

It feels natural to submit to you.  However, I have a very hard time letting go of control.  I am in control at work, and I am in control at home.  I hold the weight of the world by choice.

However, when I am ordered by my Dom, outside of play, I struggle with the mindset switch.  Sometimes, it is the inability to let go.  Sometimes, it is a challenge.  Sometimes, it is a lack of recognition that it is an order.  Sometimes, it is a push to see if you are serious.

All the time, though, it is a moment that quiets my mind.  It is an attempt to center myself.  I trust you fully, and with each successfully obeyed order, I’m starting to trust myself.

Day 37

You put me in the corner (of all things) today.  I deserved it.  Honestly, had the child not been there, I would have deserved the belt for mouthing off and calling you a woman.  I knew as soon as I said it, I was in trouble.  I find it hard to look you in the eye when I’ve misbehaved.  I’m worried I will see disappointment.  That’s something I severely dislike seeing directed at me.

When I was in the corner, you asked me one question.  “Am I ready to behave?”  You told me you wanted a yes or no answer, and as soon as I gave my answer, I could leave the corner.

It took three questions and physical contact on my neck before I could bring myself to answer you.  You told me my answer didn’t matter.  As long as I answered, I could have left the corner.  You asked me if it was so hard to answer the questions.  The answer was Yes, Sir.  It really was that hard.

I don’t believe in doing anything half-assed.  If I couldn’t answer you with an honest, fully meant yes or no, then I would not answer.

I expected a few swats or the belt.  So, when you put my in the corner, my first thought was disbelief.  My second was wanting to deck you.  I wanted to turn around and wipe the smirk off your face.  That is why I rested my forehead to the wall and closed my eyes.  I took a full, deep breath for clarity.  This is when the fight for control begins.  It is a small mantra of wanting to challenge your rights as Dom.  At the same time, I have a strong feeling of need.  I know that I need discipline.  In all the fight, I never debated leaving the corner.  Even when I turned, I did not leave the spot you left me in.

I wanted to push you.  I wanted to push and push and push until You stared at me in disbelief and reacted.  But, I knew that I did not actually want to upset you nor did I really want to be in control.

I use breathing to center myself when I cannot kneel or curl up and cuddle.  I use slow breaths to answer the hardest questions that I have.  I used it to remind myself that I asked for you to be firm.  I used it to weigh the heaviness of my words if I had asked if “this was all you had.”  I used it to measure my needs and wants.  As soon as I take that first, steadying breath, I know that I will submit.  Because I want to.  Because I need to.

So, the longer I stood there in silence, with my eyes closed and my breathing slow, the more the fight morphed into giving you an honest answer.

Could I behave?  Yes, I could.  I just needed to waid through all the white noise first.

I have always been open that I fought Master tooth and nail after he took me under consideration.  He saw something in me that even I didn’t.  He took steps, such as requiring me to journal, to help me learn about myself.

I am not proud of fight I have given him.  Yet, I know it was necessary.  It took me six months to kneel for him.  It took another three for me to refer to him as Sir verbally.  It took over a year for me to crawl for him. 

Throughout it all, he was patient with my struggles and firm with my punishment.  He was calm when I would work myself into a panicked state and damn near all knowing when he gave me topics to explore.

He knows me better than I know myself.

Because of him, I can read back through that first year, and see where I was.  I can read of my confusion, my distaste with myself, my joy, my triumph, and my growth.

I can watch myself change and learn.

Now, I use these writings as a guide so I can help other new submissives.  I stand strong in the belief that you never have to be subservient from the beginning.  You never have to change who you are.  You never have to face the journey alone.

You just have to be honest.

With your Dom, always.

But, most importantly, with yourself.

My name is Joji.  I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42.  I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling.  I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay.  I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning.  I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan.  I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education).  It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement.  We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.

Fun With Straitjackets

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My girl loves her straitjacket. She loves to wear it, be strapped into helplessly, comfortably. She loves to sit in it for hours, snuggling next to me while we watch a movie. She loves to be left in it, alone, to meditate, to sleep. She loves the feeling it gives of giving herself a big hug, of ultimate security.

My girl loves her straitjacket, and I love to secure her in it.

The straitjacket itself dates all the way back to the 18th century, to a time when a disturbed individual couldn’t be restrained chemically and so was restrained physically. There’s a part of me who has an idle tendency to romanticize such a time (particularly when it comes to a women’s asylum) but the reality was that it was pretty horrible.

Most of my initial contacts with straitjackets were in afternoon soap operas, where you’d encounter gals unfairly strapped up and locked away in padded cells, all the while trying to convince crooked medical staff that, really, they weren’t crazy, even as all of this being tied up and locked away stuff was making them crazy.

It was a heady brew for some of us, particularly as the medically gown clad gals were inevitably barefooted, extra fetish fuel  those of us so inclined.

Personal observation has shown that we are rather unusual in playing with straitjacket bondage, as MaleDoms securing their femsubs in such a way seems to be rather unusual. 

There are any number of reasons that, a kink context, straitjackets aren’t something that many people typically explore. They’re difficult to come by, and when you do find them they’re generally very expensive. And they render the upper half of a gal’s body unavailable which, for most people, makes it a bedroom bondage experience in which they won’t have any real interest.

But for those of us inclined towards bondage outside of the bedroom, particularly if you’re inclined towards long-term bondage, a straitjacket can be the perfect piece of kinky equipment. Is there anything else that’s been specifically designed to keep someone closely secured for days, even weeks?

Getting started with straitjackets can have a relatively high expense threshold, but there are ways around it if you want to experiment with hands-front, comfortable, long-term bondage. 

The simplest can be to put your girl in an oversized men’s shirt, backwards. bring the arms around her front, under her boobs, then secure them in the back with safety pins or other fastenings. You can add some extra security by placing a belt or rope around her arms in the front. 

Alternately, you can acquire a costume-quality straitjacket from any number of sources online, where the “sexy mental patient” is rather ubiquitous. While these are tailored similarly to an actual straitjacket, they’re made of a much lighter cotton. 

Both this and the previous method won’t stand up to any real struggles, but will give you an idea if it’s something you wish to pursue further. But if security is your priority, try the duct tape straitjacket. Wrap your girl’s arms in cling film, have her put them under her breasts, wrap more cling film around her upper body, then cover it with duct tape. Done right, it can be impossible to escape from, but relatively comfortable.

At this point, if you’re interested in in diving into the straitjacket pool, you have any number of options open to you, with varying degrees of expense. 

First, of course, if the classic Posey. If you picture a straitjacket, this is what you’re probably thinking of. Made of heavy white canvas with a dropped collar, it has canvas straps including one which secures the arms in front, and a single one whichh goes between the legs (limiting access to a gal’s nether regions). While the company stopped manufacturing them in 2019, it’s still relatively easy to find a used on online for between $150-$500.

Next is the Humane Restraint straitjacket, which can be easily purchased for around $190 from HandcuffWarehouse.com.  It has leather straps which can be removed for washing and, again, a single strap between the legs.

Then there are any number of specifically kink options, the advantage of which is that there tend to be dual crotch straps, allowing for easy access for your girl’s parts. I’ll only mention a few here for brevity’s sake.

Etsy has the Straitjacket Shop where a base model runs less than $200. They carry a variety of other medical-type restraints, including leg bindings and a full sleepsack.

MonkeyDungeon.com has been making straitjacket and other sorts of medical-type restraints for over a decade, and has a reputation for the highest quality as well as standing behind their products. Their prices run from $79 for a “costume straitjacket” to over $700 for a “padded sleeves leather straightjacket”.

If money is no option, go right to the top of the pyramid and check out MaxCita.com for the Cadillac (or Lexus) of straitjackets. The depth, quality, and variety boggles the imagination.

Finally, if sexual access is a priority, do a search for “bolero straitjackets”. This are specialized restraint devices which have openings for the boobs and have minimal coverings for other parts of the body, allowing almost complete access.

Straitjackets and other sorts of medical-type bondage aren’t for everyone, but for some can have a lot of appeal. Check it out of you’re looking for something other than the usual rope, scarf, or duct tape style bondages.

PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community since 2007, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication. 

Shaping, Molding, and Growing Submissives…No Thank You!

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly! 

This week, I’d like to delve into a topic that came up during a discussion in FetLife.com regarding the responsibilities of a dominant in “shaping” their submissive. In this discussion, a dominant woman was having difficulty with her submissive, in that he was not obedient and behaving as she wished around her friends. She was at a loss coming up with ideas for ways to “train” him in this regard, and was asking for suggestions from others. 

She actually received a bunch of advice by the time I got there, including several ways to “embarrass him public”, “cut him down to size”, and “Break Him”. In this “wisdom” I saw a common thread regarding HER responsibilities as a dominant, to mold her sub, shape him, and “help him grow as an individual”. They had all sorts of ideas for how to help him develop into a better human being and a better partner. 

“What am I, his mother?” 

This was all I could think. When did being a dominant become an assignment to raise a child? Since when is his commitment to me grounds for me becoming responsible for his actions? I’m not of the belief that the dominant’s role is to shape a sub. To me, the dominant’s role is to communicate expectations and to assess performance. The fact that the sub consents, implies he has free will to apply himself to meet my expectations. He needs to act on that. I adjust the sub’s efforts by making my expectations clear and providing guidance as to how they can better perform against those expectations. We are in a joint-venture; to provide the best possible service to me. This is what he wants and also what I want. We are working together, but our responsibilities are very different. 

I don’t have the responsibility to create, improve, or inspire his submission 

As I’ve discussed in other articles, my power dynamics with my subs are defined by what the sub can do FOR me, not around what is being done TO him. “Improving the submissive” isn’t a goal of my dynamics. “Improving the submissive’s ability to deliver”, is. I will provide feedback along with suggestions for improvement. I will enable him by providing what he needs to do the job and by eliminating obstacles to him getting it done right. But ultimately, he needs to make it happen for himself. 

I never think of myself as creating or manipulating my sub’s submission. When a sub is a great sub, I didn’t make him great, he did. He deserves the credit. Yes, we work together – but my role is communicating expectation, his is execution. If execution is good, it reflects well on him. 

On the flip side, when a sub doesn’t perform to a level that serves me, I look to him to fix it. Submission is a state of mind that HE needs to govern. The thought that I, as the dominant, am “inspiring” his submission implies that the quality of his submission is determined by my behavior: If he doesn’t perform, I didn’t “inspired him enough / properly”. Nonsense: I refuse to accept that responsibility. Performance is his responsibility. The onus of execution falls on him. 

One of the guys giving advice suggested that she punish him with “Intense discomfort” to “Train him to become obedient and compliant”. I thought to myself, “Do I want my sub to be MOTIVATED BY AVOIDANCE of intense discomfort?” Do I even want him to be “compliant”? I don’t think I do – not either one of those. In my dynamics, the motivation for submitting – and, in this particular variation, of being obedient – needs to come from his desire to be the best submissive he can be. I don’t want him to be compliant: He isn’t doing what I want because he “has” to, he feels as though he’d be letting HIMSELF down, if he fails to submit to the best of his ability. It follows that, if he is gauging the quality of his submission on how well I feel it serves me – and how happy it makes me – and if he has an inner drive to make sure he doesn’t lower the standard of his submission – then the obedience (or however submission is defined) will be a natural consequence of that attitude. He’s not compliant, he’s actively pursuing the things I want. I don’t need him to fear consequences. I want him to find his motivation in delivering the highest level of submission he can. 

When a sub is motivated by his internal desire to perform at the highest level to which he is able, you get the best from your submissive. You get more than you demand. You get a partner who is happy, proud, and fulfilled by his service to you. 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Work and Power Exchange Balance

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I have been trying to steer clear of the COVID-19 pandemic in my articles. But there are questions that were sent to me before the pandemic. And some of these – such as this week’s query – seem to unintentionally refer back to this God-awful virus, since many have had a 24/7 situation thrust on them Thus, I will structure my answer so it could apply to almost any combination of live-in D/s arrangements. The question:

Reader: My Master works out of our house. I have a regular 9-5 job, which I had before we met; we both agreed to me continuing my career. I am concerned that I cannot live up to his 24/7 ideal because of my employment situation. Do you think I can? Any tips how best to manage this situation?

First of all, since your Master was in favor of you continuing your job, he clearly did not want you to serve him literally 24/7. True live-in 24/7 service, where the slave serves the Master 24/7, is actually rare in this lifestyle. I don’t have statistics, but the number of live-in slaves who do not work is surprisingly small, Fifty Shades notwithstanding. This happens for a myriad of reasons. One is that many people do not want to be in the company of another all the time. Personally, I like my alone time. Another is that many slaves are career oriented. Having a job can be very fulfilling; again, your Master – from day one – was clearly in favor of your career. Besides, a second paycheck can be a welcome addition to any household in this decade, M/s or otherwise. Thus, for one or all of these reasons, your Master was cool with you having a job. It appears that concerns about the “24/7 ideal” are yours, not his.

The key is to understand, as your Master seemingly does, that 24/7 does not have to literally mean 24/7. Of course, for some, it can. All Master/slave relationships are unique and there is no universal standard; it appears to me that 24/7 is more a state of mental slavery than one of physical servitude. The best example I can give you is that of marriage. Even when you are at work, you are married. If you are 3000 miles away from each other, you are married – and married 24/7. Similarly, if you are a collared slave, you are collared 24/7. The collar does not come off your neck when you are apart. (Velcro collars exempted!) That said, one must not slack off when it comes to being a good slave. And that is a legitimate concern. So, let me offer you some tips to keep you on your game.

One problem of having a job is that you can be exhausted when you come home from work, especially if you add in corona virus stress. If your job has any submissive aspects to it – like an executive assistant – there can be a tendency to mentally say, “I don’t want to get anyone anything. I am worn out.” Rather than serve grudgingly, you might mention that you are particularly tired that day. Your Master just might just go light on you. Communication is always the key.

On the other hand, on those days when you are not dragging, make a special effort to be a terrific slave. Your Master will appreciate the extra exertion – and it will more than make up for the days when your job wore you out. So, don’t be so hard on yourself. Some days are simply better than others – from both the Dom/me and sub point of view.

The key is to realize you are not actually serving 24/7 – so on those hours when your Master expects you to be at his beck and call, you should be very attentive. Don’t underestimate your Dom/me; a wise Master will understand the time management aspects of owning a slave with a job – especially nowadays. You really have nothing to worry about. Just serve well when you are required to, and communicate with him when you are unable to be the perfect slave due to job fatigue or other work-related factors..

Never forget the 24/7 ideal is just that – an ideal. It rarely exists. Most of us, the fictional Christian Grey excepted, live in the real world. In your case, your Master was accepting of your employment. It follows that he will also accept the ebbs and flows that any time-intensive job – and our current pandemic– will cause. The best advice I can offer you is to do your best, communicate effectively, and, more than likely, all will be fine.

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

The BDSM Scene vs. Reality

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My girl and I are pretty involved in two different groups, the BDSM scene and SF&F (science fiction & fantasy) fandom. In many ways they’re, of course, very different. Yet there’s a significant amount of overlap between the two as well as some rather key differences.

I’ve been involved in SF&F fandom (or just Fandom as we refer to it) since at least 1986, with an interest that stemmed from long before then. Meanwhile I’ve only been involved with the Scene since 2007, having come to it late in spite of a lifelong interest.

So why the difference?

Simply put, Fandom was easier to stumble across. While I’d been reading about it for years, it was only when I began to regularly frequent comic book speciality shops that I came across a flier for what turned out to be my first SF&F convention. For the first time in my life I was surrounded by people who thought and felt the way I did. It was glorious.

And there were hints of BDSM in the cracks and around the corners; periodic Gor, Orion Slave Gir, or Dejah Thoris costumes; art with the same themes or subject matter; as well as mainstream and small press novels with strong BDSM themes. There were threads to pull if you were looking for them, but it was more a dirty little secret. They may have led to the Scene, but I wasn’t yet ready to pull them.

Meanwhile, what BDSM scene existed in the late ’80s-early ’90s wasn’t very easy to locate, and I didn’t frequent the sort of places where they might advertise. It wasn’t until the Internet made it to my door in ’95 that I discovered it. Sadly, being with a vanilla partner and not really understanding what it was all about left it tantalizingly out of reach.

Fast-forward to 2007. I’m now with a decidedly kinky partner, and we discover this new-fangled site called “Fet-Life”. Suddenly I can find the local scene and, in some ways, it seemed a lot like the one I’m already very familiar with.  But over time I discovered some key differences.

Fandom is filled with what is generally a sub-section of humanity, the dreamers, fantasists, visionaries, freaks, geeks, and misfits. Maybe not exclusively so, but if you were to carve out a random sampling, I’d argue that 8 out of 10 would fall neatly into one of these categories.

And here’s the thing; they’re by-and-large, generally pretty good people. While it certainly has its share of people with psychological issues, they don’t seem to be the ones who’re evil or nasty. You’ll also see more than your fair share of people on the autism spectrum, or aspy.

Meanwhile the Scene is pretty much made up of a cross-section of humanity, people good, bad, and all of the places in between. Being fannish seems to attract a specific type of person, while kink covers the spectrum.

And sure, sometimes it may seem as if the scene is full of predators, narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths and other bad-and-generally-selfish people, the reality is that… well, the world is simply full of those sort of people, mixed in with the rest of us. The Scene doesn’t really attract them any more than any other general activity. I mean, think of who you’ll encounter on your average dating site!

I’ve always felt that being kinky was a broader part of our personality, not really a subset. When you meet someone, simply sharing kink isn’t really enough, almost like simply being cis, gay, bi, or trans isn’t really enough to hang a relationship on.

If you’re into NASCAR, you’ll work best with someone else who’s also into NASCAR… and is kinky. If you’re into floral arranging, you’ll work best with someone else who’s also into floral arranging… and is kinky. For me and my girl, we work best with people who’re geeky *and* kinky. It’s a narrow subset, but we’ve got each other and a few close friends. But it works for us.

As always, this has been a broad generalization based on personal experience; your mileage may vary.

PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community for over 12 years, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication. 

The Power Of Power Exchange

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Power exchange is one of those terms which is classified under kink, but often carries no clear visible representation.  Impact leaves marks, and is something you can see someone perform.  Needles, rope, knives, even exhibitionism, these are all things the eye can see.  Power exchange, in contrast, is a quiet kink, and one which does not leave visible reminders of its presence in a relationship.

Once you delve into the world of power exchange, there are a myriad of ways it can be incorporated into a relationship, whether casual or more intense.  On the less invasive side of things, it can be reserved for scene or bedroom time, and can be present without involving other things typically thought of as “kink.”  It doesn’t require sadism to be present, and doesn’t have to interfere with outside life.  On the other end of things, a relationship can be fully immersed in power exchange, to the point of Total Power Exchange, or TPE.  It is also completely possible to achieve something in the middle which is a negotiation of which situations will include some type of agreed-upon power exchange between individuals.  I have seen these referred to as levels, and more specifically, broken down into five levels:  conditional compliance; restricted ongoing acquiescence; provisional submission; the covenant of dominance and submission; and absolute ownership. 

Starting at power level one (I jest), it isn’t difficult to incorporate some power exchange into individual scenes.  Conditional compliance is associated with a single session or brief period of time and would only include negotiated activities within the scope of the exchange.  It could include everything from following commands to kneel, stay still, or even to ask permission for boons such as orgasms, or be limited to specifically negotiated areas.

With restricted ongoing acquiescence, power exchange negotiations may be put into effect as with conditional compliance, but only be in play during specified sessions, such as with ongoing play partners who have power exchange elements in their regular time together.  Those elements may be in effect during scene time only without requiring renegotiation, due to an agreement that those elements be in effect during their scene time together.

Provisional submission involves one partner giving greater control to the other, well, provisionally.  This may be the stage wherein partners experiment with different aspects of control over various areas in order to determine what is working for them and what is not.  These areas may have time limits, such as “we’ll try me choosing all of your clothing for the next two weeks to see if that is something we’d like to incorporate into our permanent relationship negotiations.”  It may also refer to a longer term power exchange which exists outside of scene time, and yet remains fundamentally a play partner arrangement at its core.

A covenant of dominance and submission may involve a contract or may be a verbal agreement.  It generally refers to a long-term agreement which exists outside of scene time, and involves other aspects of daily life, as negotiated.  It could be control in areas of finance, social relationships, or daily activities, in addition to agreements surrounding any scenes which may occur.  The participants may want a 1950’s style household and be disinclined to participate in other forms of kink play, or they may have a female-led relationship with an entire trunk full of kink implements, or whatever relationship format works for the participants.

Absolute ownership may also be referred to as a TPE.  While the title generally speaks for itself and includes truly invested participants, it does not necessarily mean one party has to actively be in control over every aspect of their partner.  Even TPE relationships often include negotiated areas which do not require permissions be granted, mostly because to be required every time another human needs to make a decision would be a full-time occupation, not practical for working humans who may not be available to make those at the drop of a hat.  Some of it is about convenience.  If you want to negotiate a power exchange with a partner which includes always being required to have permission for certain activities, say bathroom usage since everyone has to do that, then unless you are available every time they need to, such as in the middle of a work day, or even in the middle of the night if they drank too much tea at dinner, then you may need to reserve certain times which do not require permission.  For example, the rule may be “I am available at all times to grant permission to use the bathroom, other than between the hours of 11 pm and 7 am.  You will request and wait for the request to be granted at any other time of day,” or whatnot.  Most of the power exchanges I have encountered, both my own and that of others, rarely want to deal with that sort of micromanagement, and only require that permission be granted if it interrupts an in-progress activity or conversation, as that is considered a matter of courtesy rather than a rule about requiring permission for bathroom usage.  A better way to think of it may be as having underlying functions which occur quietly in the background.  A rule has been established, and in the absence of a change to that rule, it will continue to run just as lungs continue to breathe in the absence of efforts to resist their regular behavior.

To reiterate, absolutely none of the above requires that the participants delve into other aspects of kink.  While many we see in our local organizations do participate in things like impact or bondage in addition to their power exchange, one does not require the other to function.  It is completely possible to negotiate kink scenes in which power exchange does not occur, all the way up to having kink relationships without the inclusion of PE.  However, I will say, as a power exchange aficionado, seeing two individuals attempt to impose their will upon one another in the context of a relationship seems messy, as it often becomes some type of power struggle with no clear winner in any given battle.  I personally prefer the reassurance that having those things clearly outlined gives me, while also understanding that it isn’t for everyone.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.