submissive

Why Excellent Submission Can Be Remarkably Illusive

November 10, 2021 By Ms. Rika Leave a Comment

Shibari male submissive bound — via stock.adobe.com

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!

A few weeks ago, I was talking to a submissive online (not my submissive) and we were discussing ways that he could help his wife feel more comfortable with being dominant. As with many “vanilla” people, the imagery of what “A Dominant is” was greatly influenced by media, her husband’s prior attempts to introduce BDSM to her, and probably porn. She had no interest in becoming that imagery.

We talked about changing the imagery, from the stereotypical image to something in which he would be serving her for the person she was – without her having to change who she is.

He suggested that he define his submission by “elevating his wife to be his queen”. He would “treat her like royalty and he would be her loyal subject.” She would be in control of everything in her kingdom and he would “obey her every wish”.

He thought I’d love this suggestion and tell him what a great idea it was and how well he grasped pure submission. Only I didn’t. Rather, I started questioning him about what his wife would like, what she really needs from him, and whether the imagery of the “Queen” would fulfill her. He was confused. He couldn’t understand why treating her like a queen would not constitute excellent submission.

I needed to help him understand what does constitute excellent submission – and why excellent submission can be remarkably illusive. I decided to make the point with a more obvious analogy: Pain – and then bring it home to his situation. Here’s how it went:

Let’s say that a guy really loves to be hurt. Perhaps he’s a true masochist and really does get off on the pain of pain, not just the idea of pain. He decides to serve a particular partner by accepting pain.

We agree that, if his partner does not like inflicting pain, but his partner chooses to do it – or he coerces his partner into doing it – “for him”, that it’s not going to be considered submission to that partner…they may still have some kinky fun, but it won’t be “submission”. Submission is FOR the dominant.

But, let’s say that the partner REALLY loves to dole out pain. Perhaps the partner is a true sadist. In this situation, the man’s intent to serve this partner, and his intent to serve himself completely overlap. This is the perfect storm of sorts and is, unfortunately, kind of rare. But let’s say that’s where we are.

In this situation it will be VERY DIFFICULT to determine if his actions are truly “submission” or not, because his intent will be difficult to ascertain. Without the intent to fulfill the dominant, the sub’s actions become self-serving. In some ways, we can say, “who cares – both partners are being fully satiated by the activities”, right? Well…not really.

Even in this situation, his real intent will show itself when/if his desires and the partner’s desires begin to differ, either in intensity or composition. Pain is a broad category, so their differences will eventually show. If this guy is really submissive, he will need to adapt to conform to his partner’s preferences (assuming he can). There could be, of course, compromise…which, if BOTH partners feel serves them fully, would be submission. But, if he tries to force the partner into doing “pain” his way, it will be manipulation and he will not be acting like a submissive.

He understood. So, then we took it back to his example: The man wants to serve his wife and elevate her “to be his queen”. The same scenarios apply:

Does the wife WANT to be the queen, make all decisions, rule the kingdom and have a servant who will obey her every order? Some might, but if not, then making her his queen would certainly be for him – but would not be submission. It can’t be submission unless SHE feels it serves her.

If the wife feels served by being “the queen” and receives that from a position of dominance, then certainly, his elevating her to that position in his life would be an act of submission…just as the sadist and masochist hit the perfect storm.

However, what if the wife wants to be the queen, but defines being “the queen” differently than he does? Just like the masochist and sadist, how he adapts will determine his submissiveness. Is he going to adapt his definition to cater to her preferences as the definition of his submission – perhaps appealing to their underlying relationship level to compromise for some, or all, of the rest – or is he going to manipulate her into assuming his definition of “queendom”?

This will determine how “submissive” he is.

Excellent service is hard to do. Subs who can develop and maintain that level of focus and dedication are worth their weight in gold.

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Erotica: Call Me Sir

November 10, 2021 By Sunny Leave a Comment

sexy male Dominant with wooden paddle — via stock.adobe.com

***This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, business, events and incidents are the products of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. All characters are consenting adults.

The doorbell rings. I look at the time on my phone. She’s one minute early. Points for promptness. Perhaps she has been paying attention after all. I open the door and gesture for her to enter. Fear flashes across her lovely face briefly before being replaced by resolve. She remains silent as instructed, and crosses the threshold. Good girl, I think to myself not yet ready to praise her aloud. There is still the inspection to attend to.

She waits on the edge of the carpet in my living room while I close the door behind her. I’ve made my expectations clear in advance and now it’s time to see if she has been obedient. I twirl my finger in the air, indicating that she should rotate for inspection. As she spins slowly, my eyes roam over her slender form and my mind replays the highlights of the past few weeks like my own personal erotic movie.

Dear Mistress, the first message had read, I would like to inquire as to whether you are currently seeking a new submissive. If so, I would like to put forth myself for consideration. It had been polite and to the point, and the truth is, I hadn’t been seriously looking. I’d toyed with the idea from time to time, but understanding fully the responsibility of such an undertaking and in consideration of the fullness of my plate, it had not been something I’d pursued. Still, the message had been intriguing. I’d decided a conversation could be had.

Tell me what submission means to you, I’d replied. The response had been heartfelt and well composed. The conversation had continued. I’d prefer that you refer to me as Sir if we move forward, I’d written.

I’d considered what it meant to have a submissive in service, to own another person. I’d fantasized from time to time about finding a true service sub, one who truly derived pleasure from doing day to day tasks that made my life easier or more enjoyable in some way. I’d imagined finding one who worked hard to earn rewards and accepted graciously punishments when I deemed they were deserved, but who generally considered my satisfaction to be reward enough. Of course, a preference for punishment as reward could always be accommodated. I reflected on the gift of submission from a person whose pleasure I controlled completely, mine to play with, mine to share if I chose. I’d been fairly certain I’d not want to share often, but given my lifestyle it would be nice to have the option.

The fantasy part is always the easy part. I’d also spent time considering what it meant to take responsibility for the emotional and physical safety of another human being during power exchange. The importance of self-esteem building, trust, and fostering of personal growth. I’d taken her on a very vanilla date, to see if we had as much chemistry in person as on the phone. It had been there. We’d talked about my sadistic streak, my fascination with dollification and mind control, my primal tendencies, and my love of sensual BDSM. We’d discussed her curiosity about pain and her firmly rooted need to give control away.

My Daddy had encouraged me. “I think this is something you may need to explore,” he’d prodded gently. When she’d talked about her preference for order down to matching the socks when she did laundry and her understanding of the need for my morning coffee to be perfect, I’d offered her a contract. A three-month training period with an option to extend if things were going well had felt appropriate. She’d accepted my terms, and now, now she is here.

She completes her first rotation, remaining silent as I prefer. I catch the hem of her short dress in my hand, lifting it briefly to expose what lies underneath. I find only bare skin, as I have instructed. Finding everything in place, she receives her first “Good girl,” of the evening. I enjoy her radiant smile in response. I can’t want to see her face when she comes. I can’t wait to see her tears.

I’ve reviewed her limits list extensively, but before we begin, I ask her for her safe words one more time. She hasn’t forgotten. She is ready to begin. I lead her from the living room across the kitchen, beyond which lies a set of closed French doors. Lifting a black silk blindfold from the counter, I take her sight. “Once we enter that room, I will only stop if I hear your safe words. Are you ready?” I ask. She nods. “Address me properly,” I remind her.

“Yes Sir,” she says aloud this time. I open the doors and lead her forward. I guide her until her toes touch the edge of a large pillow on the floor. If she’s paid attention, she will know what to do next without direction. I smile when she lifts the dress up over her head and falls to her knees. I walk around her slowly. That’s two “Good girls,” earned so far tonight.

“Thank you, Mistress,” she says aloud. I wince. I really hate that. I pause and say nothing, allowing her to catch her own mistake. “Thank you, Sir,” she corrects herself. I sigh and tell her to assume a position on all fours. She complies.

“Just three this time,” I tell her. She is just learning after all. “I want you to count and when we are done to thank me properly this time.” My crop lands three times and I enjoy her tiny cries as she counts out loud. I feel slick begin to pool between my thighs at the sight of the pink blooming on her round yet toned bum. “Thank you, Sir!” she says correctly this time. I look forward to marking her soft skin with a cane.

“Stand now,” I command. I kiss her lips softly. “I’m so glad we’ve put that little incident behind us,” I soothe. She nods, lip quivering and dissolving my patience in desire. Of course, I’ll still stick to the plan. I have mastered control. I help her ease onto the excellent little bench I’ve ordered recently. Each knee and forearm rest on an individual pad, allowing me to bind her limbs in an all-fours position, elevated off the ground. I bind also her waist, securing her to the longest pad that runs from ribs to pelvis. Her beautiful face, still blindfolded, comes to rest in a round pillow, originally designed for massage tables.

I run my hand along her nude form, enjoying the way the tiny hairs on her body stand on end. I take my time allowing some anticipation to build as I examine the toys laid out in advance. I press play on the sound system, allowing the volume of the music to drown out the sound of my steps, stealing her awareness of my location in space. I whisper in her ear. “You are not allowed to come until I say so.”

I take this opportunity to fully appreciate her drenched pussy on display, smooth and free of any hair as I prefer. I look forward to her making another mistake so that I can spank it. Gently I run my fingers over her flesh and slip them into my mouth to taste her. I repeat this motion. this time pressing my fingers between her lips so that she can taste herself. I press one finger, then two, slowly inside of her tight core, enjoying the feeling of her muscles gripping my fingers. I slip into a rhythm, wrapping my other arm around her waist and allowing my fingers to dance against her clit while the first set fuck her in time to the music.

I smile brightly when her body convulses involuntarily in its bonds. “Did you just come without permission?” I demand. I know the answer already but I appreciate her honestly as she nods. I sigh loudly for her benefit. “Address me properly,” I demand.

“I’m sorry Sir!” she whimpers and then cries out for me as my hand slaps against her bare pussy. “Count,” I instruct. “It will be three for the orgasm and one for the failure to address me properly.” I enjoy the quiver in her voice as she counts the first spank. The next two land on her ass, one on each cheek. I remind myself she is still learning after all. I pause, knowing she is tense and wondering where the last will land. I strike between her legs again and something magical happens. I see her body coil on the edge of coming a second time, but she fights for control of her body and wins. “Good girl!” I praise. “Put your mouth to good use and if you please me. I’ll allow you to come again tonight.

“Yes Sir,” she agrees more confidently this time. I can see she’s getting the hang of it. This is for the best because as much as I love punishment, I don’t tolerate slow learners well. I appreciate her intelligence. I unzip my pants and allow them to fall to my ankles, baring my own most sensitive flesh. I straddle the donut pillow and lift her chin with my fingers. Her lips and tongue begin to move. It’s clear she’s eager to please, eager to prove herself. I hold her face firmly in place, allowing my hips to grind gently against her mouth, edging myself nearly to madness before I allow myself my first release.

“Good girl,” I praise, rounding behind her again with silver plug and lubricant in hand. “All of these holes are mine,” I remind her, slipping on a nitrile glove and pressing a finger against her tighter opening. She squirms in her bonds and I enjoy watching the struggle. I pause. She is learning after all. “I will only stop for your safe words,” I remind her. I watch her set her jaw in resolve. No words escape her lips. I nod, though she can’t see me. She is making a strong effort.

I press my finger firmly inside of her ass, waiting for her to relax before sliding it in and out several times. When I withdraw it completely, it is to allow the smallest plug in the set to take its place. She whimpers softly as I push the plug inside and feel it slide into place with a satisfying POP. “Good girl,” I encourage her, massaging her ass cheeks as she accommodates the plug. Removing the glove, I press my fingers back inside of her core. Her wetness betrays her. She is enjoying this small pain. I smile. I’m enjoying it too.

I reach for my newest toy, excited to finally give it a test run. I slide one end of the dildo inside of myself. The shorter curved end has a vibrating contour that presses directly against my clit. I press the other end inside of her, enjoying the gasp she makes at feeling so full. I release one hand from its bonds. “Play with yourself,” I command, “but wait until I give you permission or the punishment will be more severe for a second offense.”

I slide my shirt up over my head. My hands are free to grasp her shoulders as I press my breasts against her back and slam my hips forward. Each time I penetrate her with the toy, it thrusts back inside of me increasing my own pleasure. I turn on the vibration and feel her tense beneath me. She digs the fingernails of the bound hand into the pad of the bench, but her free hand continues to stoke her clit. I begin to fuck her harder now, fucking myself at the same time. I grind my hips, forcing the toy deeper. I feel my own core clamp down on the toy, hovering on the edge of release. I feel her body tense beneath me, fighting the urge to let go. A single tear escapes the blindfold sending me completely over the edge. “Come now I demand,” as we detonate together.

Withdrawing my new cock, I kiss between her shoulder blades. I carefully massage her remaining wrist and ankles as I release each one. I leave the blindfold in place however until we reenter the kitchen and I close the French doors behind me. I’ll leave the mystery of that room intact.

Restoring her vision, I tangle a fist in her hair and kiss her firmly. “You did well this first time,” I whisper, enjoying the shy pride that crosses her face. I lead her to the bathroom and start the shower. “We’ll sleep in the guest room tonight,” I advise her. My other partner is surely already asleep in the bedroom we share. I smile. I adore his submission in our day-to-day life, but he doesn’t share my desire for kink in the bedroom. My Daddy isn’t here this weekend, but I’m sure he’ll want to hear all about our escapades tomorrow.

I slide into bed beside her, snuggled under the fluffy blankets. My fingers trace her body more gently now in deference to the soreness I’m sure she feels. I know I’ll need to have her again before I sleep. Mine, I think to myself as my fingers begin to play and I swallow her soft cries in kisses. Tonight, I’m taking ownership of her body. I smile in the darkness. I can’t wait to introduce her to hypnosis and take control of her mind.

Sunny Leigh Mayne is writer of romance and erotica specializing in dark romance and fetish/BDSM stories. An active member of the BDSM community, her interests include erotic hypnosis, dollification, sensual BDSM, and primal play. Identifying as pansexual, Sunny enjoys writing stories that are inclusive of diverse sexual orientations and gender identities. Her writings are intended for mature audiences aged 18 and older, and may contain some content triggers that some readers may find disturbing. She is also a visual artist and enjoys creating erotic art using mixed media. A lover of animals, and a proponent of animal rights advocacy, Sunny has several pets at home. Characters in all stories by Sunny Leigh Mayne are adults and any similarities to persons real or fictional are purely coincidental. Her books can be found at https://www.amazon.com/author/sunnyleighmayne. Her new website SLM Naughty Book Nook is live! https://sunnyleighmayne.com/ Sign up for e-mails to stay up to date on her newest book releases and receive surprise erotic short stories!

Simple Mummification Fun!

November 10, 2021 By PirateStan Leave a Comment

blonde sexy Domme with male submissive in straitjacket — via stock.adobe.com

This is the simplest, quick & dirty mummification you can probably do. You’ll need three things:

1. Pantyhose, sized for the person getting wrapped up. A bit bigger is fine.

2. Duct tape; Dollar store type is fine, or the more inexpensive type from Lowes, Wal Mart, etc. More is better, so think 3-5 rolls. Get one roll of decent stuff, but not Gorilla Tape; it’s too thick.

3. Safety shears; the ones on Amazon are a bit pricey (you can find them at kink events for less than $5) but certainly will work fine. You MUST have safety shears. Do not plan to cut the person loose with a knife or regular scissors, as it can be VERY dangerous.

Start by putting a hole in the crotch of the pantyhose. Have the bindee put their arms in the legs and pull it on like a shirt, then tug it down as far as they can over their boobs/chest, to the abdomen.

Have them fold their arms over their boobs/chest, towards their shoulders, so that it’s most comfortable.

Now start wrapping with duct tape. There is no one way to wrap. Start with horizontal wraps, but use vertical, diagonal, whatever works. Minimize contact between duct tape and skin.

Think multiple layers. The first layer will be wrinkly and creased. But with subsequent layers you can think more aesthetically. On your third layer, use the good duct tape and don’t so much wrap as cover aesthetically unpleasing areas, making it look nice and smooth (of course, if you’re simply doing this as bondage for bondage’s sake, aesthetics give way to practicality, so you can likely do fewer layers).

When you’re done you have a sort of duct tape straitjacket. It’s my experience that someone can stay this way for hours.

When it comes time to release them, simply cut along the back with safety shears, and they’ll be free almost immediately.

You can also add in “boob windows”, although be REALLY careful you don’t cut the person. With some people you can work these into the duct tape wrapping, leaving the boob/nipple area free of duct tape, making it an easy matter to cut the pantyhose away.

Of course, the best advantage here is that the bindee is unencumbered from the waist down, which can lead to all sorts of adventures.

Have fun.

Video: Meanings Of Collars In BDSM

November 10, 2021 By DesiresLaidBare Leave a Comment

Curious about collars?

Then, check out this awesome video from Desires!

Meanings of Collars in BDSM

Watch this video on YouTube

Consensual Non-Consent

November 4, 2021 By PirateStan 2 Comments

woman tied to chair splashed with water — via stock.adobe.com

How does one talk about consensual non-consent (CNC), a form of play which, frankly, goes against all the tenets learned upon entering the scene? CNC by design is generally opposed to SSC (safe, sane, and consensual) and goes into areas many consider dangerous, risky, and flat-out unacceptable. Quite frankly, it’s the sort of thing many outside of the scene will use to condemn those in it.

So what is CNC exactly? It’s kinky-improv, a no-holds-barred, generally impact-free scene between two like-minded individuals with seemingly little regard for consent or safewording. Often enough it’s referred to as “rape play” and the trappings can indeed mimic sexual assault to someone watching who’s not cognizant of what’s actually going on.

Of course, CNC play does involve both safewords and consent, but not necessarily in the way that we tend to be taught upon entering the scene. It takes a tremendous amount of trust and understanding between partners yet, surprisingly (IME) little actual negotiation. More on that in a minute.

It’s my experience that many who are brand new to the scene (and young to boot, often under 25) gravitate almost immediately to CNC play. And that seems crazy and irresponsible; CNC is hardcore, advanced play, the sort of thing which should only be engaged in by those with lots of experience, who know what they want and accept the rather extensive possible risks.

And, of course, you find the right partner; someone with whom you have absolute chemistry, who groks what you want, and you grok similarly with them. Yet finding and recognizing that person tends to involve lots of experience, at least on one side of the equation.

As always, I can only speak from my personal experience. Your mileage may vary (YMMV).

The concept of CNC had long appealed to me, ever since I’d first gone to a presentation in the deep, dark days of 2009. What they were doing seemed wrong, even as it was incredibly hot. The couple in question obviously were completely in sync, but how had they gotten there?

It was something I consequently brought up with my next two partners. Both loved the concept; we discussed and negotiated many times. Yet even as we seemed otherwise in sync, somehow we couldn’t make it work.

It seemed full of artifice, overly rehearsed; certainly there were guidelines, limits, and safewords. But once the scene began it felt as if we were going through a script, filming a movie. It was fun for sure, but not really what we’d both hoped for.

Enter my new girl.

The first time I tied her up, she immediately began fighting back, as if she didn’t want to be there. She was terrified, angry, and struggling, trying to pull away from me; even as I would grab the bonds, manhandling her roughly.

She repeatedly said “No,” “Stop it,” “Let me go!” and similar pronouncements. When I went to add a ballgag she fought back just the right amount before letting me buckle it on, at which point she angrily gagtalked while trying to push it out.

In short, she was doing almost exactly what I wanted, even though we’d never really discussed this in any detail. I would periodically whisper stage directions into her ear; more intense here, struggle to get away now, pretend you don’t want me to touch your pussy, don’t let me grab your nipple. Each time she seemed to exactly intuit what I wanted and performed perfectly.

Because, to a large degree, that’s what CNC is, a performance, kinky improv for two people. It’s not necessarily something which can be negotiated or taught. It’s something which needs to be felt.

And that, honestly, is rare.

In the end, I can’t recommend that you dive into CNC without doing a great deal of research, preferably with real people, in meatspace, said people having a fair amount of experience.

When it’s great, it can be fantastic, transcendent even.

But when it’s bad, it can be dangerous and traumatic, triggering.

Be careful with this one friends; it can fuck you up.

Types Of Power Exchange Dynamics

November 4, 2021 By Joji Sada 2 Comments

sexy Domme with whip — via stock.adobe.com

I have been known to argue definitions a time or two. I ascribe to the traditional (often referred to as Old Guard) views. However, I am realistic and recognize that as the community grows, becomes more mainstream, and evolves, I am going to meet people who disagree with me.

I love it. I thrive on the intellectual debates and wider viewpoints that other people’s experiences have shaped.

That said, I have been in a debate for near a week now that I thought would interest you. Going forward, I will be discussing types of play that are extremely sensitive in nature and may be triggering to some individuals. Please proceed at your own risk.

The debate started because I was curious about several terms that are commonly used interchangeably. Consensual non-consent, 24/7, Total Power Exchange, and Total Authority Exchange are the terms we will be exploring.

I will revisit my thoughts on these after we lay some groundwork.

Let’s start with the basics: definitions.

Power Exchange: A dynamic between two (or more) individuals in which one (or some) take control of decisions and one (or some) give up control. These dynamics can be romantic, sexual, business like, mental, or even spiritual in nature. Outside of the exchange of control, each is unique to the persons involved.

24/7: This is a PE dynamic that is in effect at all times, even when the Dominant and submissive are not together (i.e. at work, running errands, etc).

It is extremely common for 24/7 to be used interchangeably with Total Power Exchange (TPE).
24/7 is also commonly associated with High Protocol dynamics and the idea of a live-in slave.

While these are both viable examples of 24/7, the actual definition simply means the dynamic is “all the time.” It can be Daddy Dom/little girl, Master/slave, soft/hard Dom/submissive, Sadist/masochist, Handler/pet, and so forth.

Total Power Exchange: A TPE is a dynamic where the submissive has given up all decision-making abilities to the Dominant.

Most often, a TPE is generally used to refer to an M/s dynamic. This is especially true with the online educational communities.
There are debates that those in a TPE dynamic are only “real” if they do not have limits beyond their Masters’, do not use a safeword, and do not work outside the home.
This is also often portrayed as a High Protocol only dynamic.

Total Authority Transfer: A TAT dynamic is one where it is consensually agreed that one person assumes authority and one person yields authority. “Total” signifies that it is a transfer of complete, or near-complete, authority. Although this could be for a predetermined time or indefinite, a “total authority transfer relationship” implies that it is ongoing until consent is withdrawn.

This is a term I was less familiar with and had to research its inherent difference from a TPE. I found the above definition to be the most concise. It was found in the BDSM glossary on Fetlife.
At first read, the two terms do seem very similar. Through research, the difference is the equality of power kept by each person involved. A TPE is a D/s or M/s dynamic where someone gives up their power to make their own decisions. A TAT is an agreement between two individuals where one yields to another’s decisions while still retaining the ability to make opposing decisions if they choose to.
An example of this is what I have with my wife vs. Master. Master makes all the decisions in our relationship. We have a TPE. However, my wife and I have a different relationship.
One example is with money. She has her own money and the power to spend it as she pleases. She is an adult. Through mutual agreement, however, I keep the money in my account, give her an allotment, and approve all non-necessary purchases. She has given me this right because she can be impulsive with money. Another example is medical decisions. She has the right to make her own appointments and keep track of her own meds. She has given me the rights to those decisions for her safety and due to prior trauma, which tends to impede her ability to initiate self-care. She can withdraw the consent at any time and in this, there is no punishment when her decisions do not align with mine. It revolves heavily around communication, understanding, and the ability to explain why I have made the decisions I have made when she does not understand them.
Non-consensual Consent (NonCon/CNC): According to the BDSM Glossary on Fetlife.com, CNC is a “mutual agreement that within defined limits, or subject to a Safeword or other restrictions, and to common sense, consent to activities without foreknowledge of the exact actions planned.”
That is a fancy way of saying “do what you want as long as I haven’t used my safeword and nobody is gravely injured.” At least, that’s how I read it. Essentially, CNC is any play that is not pre-negotiated and involves the illusion of non-consent.
CNC is often tied to edge play. Knife play, gun play, kidnapping roleplay, rape roleplay, race play, home invasion roleplay, medical play and other type of play that has an element of resistance, coercion, or fear. For reactions to be more genuine, most of the scene may be left undiscussed.
CNC in no way means that they do not have the right to Safeword at any time. As with any type of scene, anyone involved has the right to withdraw consent at any point before or during play. You also have the right to refuse aftercare, even if it was previously negotiated.
Personally, I also add the term Dubious Consent (Dubcon). It involves coercion, blackmail, and/or abuse of power roleplay. It could be as simple as pursuing someone consistently, after they have said no, until they give in to your wants. I have this listed because it can be included in some fantasy play. Things like Headmaster/student, Boss/secretary, or Head of Household (HoH)/maid.

That was quite a few definitions we just went through. I am going to give you a moment to breathe now.

Alright, time’s up.

Let’s get into the juicy part of this: the drama

For those of you who haven’t read my articles before, here is some background information. Master and I have been in a TPE for four years, He has collared me, and He has blanket consent from me. Blanket consent means that he can do as he pleases without prior consent, negotiation, or discussion with me. Unless I safeword, he has free reign. I do not claim to be up for anything. There are a minimal number of items on my hard limit list. These hard limits are ones that Master shares. I do not have a soft limit list. If Master chooses to try something, we are going to try it.

Blanket consent, by definition, depicts a CNC mindset. Therefore, I have been told that my relationship is CNC/TPE by several members of a “Traditional BDSM” group I am in. That was the first time I had seen those terms used interchangeably.

**On a side note, the “TNG” group told me the terms were different but that my dynamic was invalid because I do not negotiate nor do I safeword (even if I technically have one). But that’s a different story**

From there, I became extremely curious if this mixing of definitions was common. So, I started asking questions since the varying groups had members from across the United States and extending around the world.

There was a quick divide in opinions. The minority agreed with the statement above; CNC/TPE are the same. But the wider majority disagreed, loudly. The resounding opinion was that CNC applies only to scenes and not to the structure of a dynamic.

Which, honestly, surprised me.

There has always been an underlying teaching (especially in the last ten years or so) that BDSM is unique to each relationship. How it is defined, structured, and lived is up to those involved.

So, why does there continue to be the argument of definition?

It comes down to our experiences. All the definitions I have listed are different. 24/7 is a broad, umbrella term that separates part-time dynamics (weekend, bedroom only, pick-up play, or business transaction—pay for play) from full-time dynamics. The consensus seems to be that 24/7 dynamics must be a live-in dynamic. I do not have as strict a belief of that because there are times I am gone for weeks for work. Master’s rules do not change when I am gone. I work as a service to Him, to help our household thrive. My absence from the house, when necessary, does not put our dynamic on hold.

I was trained in the era listed above, under TPE. “[t]hat those in a TPE dynamic are only “real” if they do not have limits beyond their Masters’, do not use a safeword, are always in High Protocol, and do not work outside the home.” I have learned with Master that the defining factor of our dynamic is the submission to His will. That means that our TPE is not diminished because He requires a safeword. His power does not end when I go to work. The amount of protocol, at any time, is His choice, not mine. Trying to conform to the definitions of the masses undermines His authority. Above all, His word matters most.

By the definition, and examples, I have provided, CNC is typically scene related. I typically consider it an addition to our dynamic because of the blanket consent. If Master wants to lend me out to others, sexually or otherwise, that is his prerogative. If he wishes to enact a CNC style scene, it does not end until He is ready for it to conclude. It is my own thoughts on what submission means that drives these commitments to Him.

Each time these arguments happen, I can see the passion in their own beliefs. I can see the experiences laid bare for all to see. I can see the pain of their failures, the triumph in their growth, the confusion and reflection as they learned about themselves, and I can see their commitment to their lifestyle path.

No one experiences any of that the same way and our experiences create our definitions.

More than likely, the debate on these terms will continue to be a point of contention. The longer we have been involved in the lifestyle, the more rigid our definitions seem to be. But everyday more and more people discover the world of BDSM. With their enthusiasm, they bring their own experiences. With time, they will bring growth and evolution to the traditions we live by. If we fail to balance our traditions and our growth, we risk staying stagnate and losing our lifestyle through exclusivity.

I do not pretend to speak for anyone but myself. I am going to continue to get into discussions, and arguments, with others so I can learn. Master helps me grow in my submission and in my ability to self-reflect. My community (which extends across the world because of the internet) helps me expand my definitions, my thoughts, and, most importantly, my experiences.

My name is Joji. I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42. I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling. I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay. I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning. I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan. I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education). It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement. We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.

Erotica: Brand Spanking New

November 4, 2021 By Sunny 2 Comments

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As the Uber pulls up in a seemingly abandoned industrial lot my stomach does flip flops. “Are you sure this is the right place Daddy?” I whisper. He opens the door and jumps out of the SUV.

“Let Daddy take a look around and make sure Babygirl,” he says, “stay in the car for a moment.” As the door slams closed and I watch him head towards what looks like an abandoned warehouse the driver catches my attention. He looks extremely uncomfortable.

“Where did you say you were going again?” he asks, “some kind of party?” I decide at this point I may as well just level with him. He’s been a good sport after all, driving through this run-down part of town. I gesture towards the gates.

“We’re looking for a club,” I say, showing him the venue’s website on my phone.

“I’ve never heard of it,” he says sounding skeptical, “what kind of club is it?” It’s now or never I think to myself and I don’t want to risk being left in this neighborhood at night if there has been a mistake.

“It’s a BDSM club,” I say, “you know, for play.”

“What do you mean play?”, he asks, “like spanking and sex and stuff?” I sigh. This isn’t going well. I nod to indicate that it is indeed that kind of stuff. Now the driver looks completely alarmed. “Honey, are you sure you want to go into a place like that, and with your father of all people?” he asks.

Now it’s my turn to look shocked. “He’s not my father” I exclaim, “he’s my…boyfriend!” The driver bursts into laughter.

“I’m just shitting you,” he says, “but seriously hun are you sure you want to go into that place?” I don’t have time to answer before Daddy returns to the car and opens the door.

“Come on baby,” he says holding out his hand, “this is it.” I’m tempted to tell the driver to take me right back to the hotel but it is far too late for cold feet. Clubs like this aren’t legal in our state and we’ve had to drive a long way to get here. I know Daddy will not allow me to chicken out. I grab the bag with my special boots and a bottle of wine in it. It’s freezing outside and Daddy has told me to put on my jeans and regular boots under my dress and parka. I’ll be able to easily take them off and change my shoes inside. I take a deep breath, look at my Daddy from under glitter covered lashes, and take his hand.

I relax a bit when I see the sign for valet parking and the friendly bouncers at the door usher us inside. Daddy has RSVP’d and we’re expected. It only takes a few minutes for him to sort out our membership and I use the time to wriggle out of my jeans leaving myself in a tiny white bodycon dress, if you can even call it a dress based on the lack of fabric. I slip on my brand-new Pleasers, shiny blue and purple 10 inch platform boots that remind me of a galaxy, and check that the sparkly belt is secured around my hips. It’s made of lots of pounded metal rings that catch the light and jingle when I dance or walk with a little wiggle in my hips. Daddy has joined me by now and is stuffing things in our locker. He holds out his hands for my coat. The air in the entrance is cold on my skin through the cutouts in the dress and I know my nipples will be visible through the thin white stretch fabric and my unlined lace bra. We’ve come this far however and I put on my brave face and give Daddy my coat.

“There you go,” he coaxes, “beautiful.” As we enter the club proper my Daddy keeps his arm wrapped snuggly around my waist. The bartender opens our bottle of wine, pouring two glasses worth into plastic cups. Normally I will savor wine, but in this instance, my body is on high alert and I barely even register the variety. One glass is all that either of us will have while we are here. I snuggle into him and watch people curiously. I feel safe in his arms and that gives me the freedom to explore.

After a brief walking tour we settle in the leather covered seating area near the edge of the dance floor. I sip my wine and think about the scenes we’ve just taken in. We’d paused on our circuit to watch a flogger tutorial with the recipient of the flogging casually leaning against a spanking bench looking bored as her bum jiggled nicely after every swat landing in a figure eight rhythm. I recall pausing in a viewing room and witnessing the tail end of what appeared to be a very satisfying threesome and also watching a lady wantonly spread eagled on a type of bench I’ve never seen before while a handsome man licked her pussy. Another man, presumably her partner, had been nearby and appeared to be taking mental notes before stepping in to finish the job himself.

Daddy kisses me and strokes my body and I wonder how many eyes are on us. My body never fails to respond to his touch and tonight is no different as I feel the slick pooling between my thighs. The music isn’t really great but I do love to dance and a pole in the center of the dance floor catches my eye. I feel brave enough at this point to make a song request and as Marcy Playgrounds’s Sex and Candy comes on over the speaker I begin to dance with abandon. My dress rides up as I swing my hips to the music and for once I don’t care that everyone can see my pale lavender lace panties. I know I’m surrounded by a crowd but I keep my eyes on Daddy and he grounds me.

When the song is finished, he joins me on the dance floor. My Daddy kisses me and as I turn to grind my hips against him he wraps one hand softly around my throat and uses the other to gently stroke my pussy. At the hotel Daddy took me several times before calling for a ride because I didn’t think I’d feel ready to be taken in front of such a crowd. He always keeps his promises and so his hands stroke me on top of the panties even though I now desperately want him inside of me again.

When the tension builds to the point where neither of us can stand it, we both know we need some form of release. He takes me by the hand and leads me back towards the smallest dungeon in the back of the club. “If I can’t take you now I need to spank you,” he says, and bends me over a spanking bench, “then I need to take you back to the hotel to fuck you again.” He folds me the short way over the bench so that my body is folded nearly in half and my hair hangs over my eyes. As he lifts my dress exposing my bum and begins to rub my cheeks in preparation I grip the legs of the bench. There is some padding but even in my sky high platforms I’m so petite that my toes barely brush the ground and I feel the pain of the bench digging into my hip bones from which I am suspended. I can hear the moans coming from the couple fucking in the corner of the room but otherwise we are alone.

The situation is unusual. I almost never willingly accept punishment and if I am really naughty Daddy has to catch and pin me so that I can’t wriggle free before the spanking begins. In the moment however things feel right and I don’t really have time to figure out why because I feel the burn of the first spank landing on my nearly bare bottom. I know this time will be intense because Daddy always starts with softer spanks and this one is quite hard. I can’t help but let out little cries as he strikes me over and over, pausing to caress my abused cheeks before doling out an even harder set of blows. As the intensity builds I squirm as little as I am able without being able to use my feet for support. I keep my pride intact and do not ask him to stop or cover my bum with my hands. He keeps me in suspense landing several blows on one side and then the other before changing his rhythm and alternating single cracks against each cheek. I begin to lose time.

As the intensity mounts and the pain increases, I become aware that the room is now silent. I think the other couple must have left and I feel as if I am alone in a private bubble with my Daddy. All I can hear are my own breathless cries and the sound of his flesh slapping against mine. Finally, the pain ceases. I still don’t hear a sound as he takes me by the waist and lifts me to my feet. My eyes are closed and I collapse backwards against him. “Thank you Daddy,” I whisper on impulse, sure that to passersby it would seem that I am thanking him for punishment as ritual may dictate for some. Really, I think I’m thanking him for the tenderness he is showing me in this moment as he supports me in his arms, kissing me deeply, and bringing me back to reality. As awareness slowly returns to me, I realize that the silent room is not empty at all. In fact, quite a crowd has gathered. I feel no shame however knowing that my Daddy is proud of me.

Daddy whisks me away to the bar and gives me time to drink a whole glass of water. When I am finished, he tells me that it is time to leave. He arranges a ride and helps me put on my jeans and normal shoes. He buttons up my parka so that I won’t be cold. I feel so sleepy as I snuggle against him in the back of seat of the car which luckily didn’t have much trouble finding us this time. When we enter the hotel room we wash the club grit off of our hands but he tells me to leave my dress on and peels off my boots and jeans. He presses me firmly into the bed, our toys already spread out on the comforter.

My bum hurts but he holds me firmly in place as he drips lube onto me and presses a small glass dildo resembling beads into my ass. I tell him so but he continues gently and unyieldingly to fill me, each bead increasing in size. Daddy encourages me to rub my clit as the toy sinks deeper and he reminds me that it hurts but that there is pleasure to be found alongside the pain. “Good girl,” he soothes as the last bead is pressed inside, “you’ve taken it all and you have made Daddy very happy tonight.” He holds the anchor bead in place and drags me to the side of the bed where I kneel with splayed knees and my chest on the mattress.

“This ass is mine,” he says as he stands behind me and twists the glass inside of me. I feel my drenched pussy clenching already as he begins to fill it with his cock. “This pussy is mine too,” he growls, as he fully seats himself inside of my core. As his pace increases and he penetrates me roughly he plunges the glass in and out so that I am doubly full and doubly fucked. I continue to stroke myself gently, and when I sink deeply enough into the sensation that pleasure finally becomes tangled with the pressure and pain, I explode in ecstasy. It seems like I am coming forever and I cry out for my Daddy. I lie shaking on the bed as Daddy finally allows himself to lose control and comes inside of me. With his fist tangled in my hair and his mouth pressed against my ear, I hear him say the only thing I need to hear. “You are mine.”

The Importance of Recognition And How It Differs From Praise

October 27, 2021 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

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In my past articles and books, particularly when discussing CERAF (Communication, Expectations, Recognition, Assessment, and Feedback), I’ve highlighted the importance of “Recognition” within power dynamics. The “greatest fear” that submissives have repeatedly expressed to me, is that they are in their dynamics alone; that the power dynamic is in their heads; that their partners are somewhat indifferent to the power dynamic; and that they are fabricating the connection themselves.

When experiencing this fear, many submissives will test the resolve of their dominant partner. They will act up, become irreverent, or outright challenge their dominant partner. They seek attention – but not just any attention – they seek to force the dominant to demonstrate that they understand their position and will “use it” to bring about compliance.

This type of behavior is problematic on many fronts, all of which serve to dilute the dominant’s position of authority: It forces the dominant to respond (when they don’t want to) – a form of manipulation, it openly challenges the dominant’s authority – a direct denial of the dynamic, and it often results in “topping from the bottom”. It is clearly NOT DESIREABLE.

I was in a discussion a couple of days ago, where the topic of “Praise” of a submissive came up. Although the participants weren’t directly identifying it as such, the key points of the discussion were primarily revolving around the submissive’s “fear of abandonment”. They brought up the sullen nature some submissives will take when they are not “appreciated”. They even brought up the bratty behavior of some submissives, when they feel the dominant is not as involved as they wanted. The idea was that praise was important to give a submissive, when the submissive did something for you, to acknowledge their efforts and to make them feel good about their service. To encourage them to continue to serve.

Praise is fine; when it’s appropriate and deserved. However, I took the stance, that praise wasn’t the important factor in demonstrating the acknowledgement they were seeking, but rather that RECOGNITION was the key. I claim that it isn’t critical to praise a sub, but rather to let the sub know you recognize their efforts – recognize them from a position of dominance – and recognize the submissive intent the sub had when performing the action. This sends a clear and consistent message: That you are involved in the dynamic, expect benefit from it, and have interest in making their submission the best it can possibly be for you.

For those linguistic sticklers, I point out that there is a huge difference between praise and recognition. Recognition may not always be praising and can even be constructive…and yet, still be very confirming. Demonstrating to a submissive, that you recognize their efforts to serve you, helps to reassure them that they are not alone in their efforts…that the power dynamic is shared and important to both of you.

Recognition can come without assessment. “I see you trying” is different than “I like what I see”. Recognition is always positive to receive, even if the ultimate assessment isn’t. For example, if I correct a submissive as they attempt to do something to serve me, I am demonstrating that I see their efforts and are receiving them from a position of dominance with the submission he intended – however, I am correcting him – so the actual message is that there is something he could be doing better and I expect him to understand the correction and adapt to it.

There is a reason “Recognition” is at the center of CERAF and that it is independent from Assessment and Feedback. It could be argued that Assessment and Feedback are already forms of recognition…and that would be true, IF you could provide IMMEDIATE Assessment and Feedback. However, there are several reasons why it’s not reasonable to give immediate Assessment and Feedback: Life gets in the way; It may not be convenient at the time; It may be tiring at the time; It may take a more prolonged performance to provide a complete assessment; etc. Even in such cases, it’s important to demonstrate recognition of the sub’s effort.

It doesn’t have to be a large, or even spoken, recognition…it needs to be one that is understood by the submissive to mean “I see you trying”. Those of you who have read my writing before, may remember “Simple Gifts” – Things you can do, that take no effort, that make no commitment – but communicate recognition. It can be a knowing glance or smile, a quick “Good boy”, a “You serve me so well” …or even a “we’ll talk about this later”.

Submissives who receive immediate recognition of their submission, even if it is independent of the assessment of their efforts, are far more likely to continue to strive to “submit better”. Immediate feedback that their efforts are recognized provides continued incentive. The assessment will come…Submission is not a “one-and-done” event – it’s a lifetime journey of growth, feedback, reassessment, and improvement. But quick and immediate recognition keeps the connection active and present.

Praise is great. Praise, when deserved is something I never hold back. But praise requires assessment – and sometimes, assessment takes time. And sometimes, the assessment is not positive. Dominants, recognize your sub’s efforts immediately; and communicate your assessment whenever it is convenient. You will find that their performance will be far more consistent and rewarding!

Taking Impact Beyond 101

October 27, 2021 By Christmas Bunny 2 Comments

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One of the photographs of the human body with colors blocked out all over it has been making the rounds among my local community again. It suggests that it can specify safe zones for impact.

While a couple of assumptions must be made to make those charts accurate, such as assuming first a lightweight flogger is the only impact implement being used, as well as assuming every body responds the same way to that stimuli, I get that all of the people who have made them probably have the noble intentions of educating newcomers. Unfortunately for their good intentions, I strongly disagree with the concept of a chart on principle.

For starters, let’s just talk about a body part I universally saw as “green,” or totally safe for impact, on the many charts Google fetched me: the forearm. Sure, it’s a “green” zone if we’re talking lightweight flogger, but what if we up the weight of that flogger to around four pounds and make it out of bullhide? Are you still as comfortable calling that a definite “green” zone? What if we stop assuming floggers at all and swap out for a bat? After all, those charts just specify impact safe zones, not the tool being used. We still good to go for an impact session with a bat on a forearm?

Immediately, we all see the weaknesses of trying to set a universal standard of what is okay for a given implement without taking the time to learn it specifically. Instead of trying to create a chart for everything, I’d much rather see us treat impact with the seriousness it deserves, as it can absolutely be edge play.

Start with questions.

What are the characteristics of my particular tool? Does it have heft or is it light? Is it rigid or flexible? A very lightweight and flexible tool, such as a small flogger, is unlikely to be problematic for use as you explore a body with it. Moving up from the buttocks and thighs, other than kidneys and face, there aren’t many places that will be off limits, particularly when using it lightly. In contrast, even a small rigid tool, such as a mallet-type implement, could be dangerous if used on the spinal column, over the shoulder blades, or on other areas where bones connect or are closer to the surface: knees, elbows, shoulder blades, even hipbones.

If it wraps a torso, leg, or other body part, will it speed up and create a secondary impact point of greater intensity? Anything with flex has the potential to create a “wrapping” effect as it turns a corner around the body. The speed of the implement is greatly impacted by that motion. Some people stand on a principle that one should never wrap when using such implements. Other Sadists I know use that technique to make sure they get some chest or breast hits in even if working from behind. It is definitely a more advanced skill, and one that should be practiced on a pillow or other target prior to attempting it on a partner.

Is my tool going to spread the impact over a larger area, or will it be concentrated on a focused point? Concentrated impact is often going to result in stingy sensation. Whips, canes, and dragon tails are excellent examples of those types of implements. In contrast, a large padded bat is going to spread out that force. The larger the area of impact is, the less precision there can truly be. You are going to hit across a larger area simply due to the nature of the object. If you are impacting a spot the size of a dime, you’re going to have an easier time making sure you focus on specific spots. Make sure to evaluate each one for its potential to damage if used on the ass, the thighs, or the upper shoulders individually. Two similar bats can be constructed differently, create different impact, and thus need different considerations during use.

There is no “one way fits all” in kink. Impact is no different than the larger framework. We have to find tools which work for us, and in doing so, we have to make analytical decisions about what will be safe to attempt when using those tools. Please discuss all risks with your partners prior to beginning, and know that mistakes can happen regardless of being informed about risk. Please communicate and be conscious of limits with each person you may try impact with. Safety is imperative.

Temperature Play vs. Chemical Play

October 27, 2021 By Joji Sada 3 Comments

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More than once, I have talked about definitions. I have learned over the years that compatible definitions prevent miscommunication.

It wasn’t until recently that I came to understand my definition of temperature play was not the same as the broader community. To me, temperature play is any type of play that brings intentional hot or cold sensation to the skin. In my experiences with temperature play, I have had wax, ice, anbesol, capsaicin cream, and icy hot used.

For perspective, I need to express how sensitive my skin is. I have three conditions that affect me the most.

Cold Urticaria is an allergy to cold. It causes intense itchiness, hives, and swelling of the skin that was exposed. A cold glass (such as a drink with ice in it) can cause my hands to swell if held for more than 2 or 3 minutes.

Cholinergic Urticaria is an allergy to heat. It causes intense itchiness and hives. I rarely swell from the heat, but it happens occasionally. I wear driving gloves in the summer to allow me to touch my steering wheel to drive to work. A hot cup of cocoa or a hot plate of dinner are often too much to touch my bare skin.

Dermatographia (Skin writing disease) is a sensitivity of the skin that causes any kind of surface scratch (meaning no skin is broken) to turn into welts or hives. Something as simple as nails across my skin can welt for a couple of hours and look like I was in a fight.

All three of these are treated with antihistamines like Benadryl. I am allergic to those.

As I am sure you can imagine, my kink looks different than yours. I know which sensations affect me more than others and Master will decide how we play depending on the condition of my body at the time. Ice is the hardest for me to play with. So, we do not often use it. Cold is the second hardest since it takes me hours to warm back up. We play with that more often (such as having the playroom cooled with a fan or AC). It tends to intensify the sensations of impact without cold implements touching my skin.

Now that I have expressed how sensitive my skin is, let me explain that I am allergic to most chemicals. I have a specific body soap, shampoo, and laundry detergent I can use. I often break into hives just by touching everyday objects that have minimal residue from other people.

If you can hear the frustrations of testing the waters of temperature play over the years, then I am sure you are snickering at my misfortune. Now, we simply shrug off the physical representations (like hives) and Master pays more attention to my body language and verbal communication.

Whew.

That was a lot of physical limitations to cover, wasn’t it? Are you wondering how I function? Don’t worry, some days I do too.

Master and I enjoy pushing ourselves. Which, in turn, means people believe we play risky. If you watch us scene, I often finish with excessive welting. I refuse to allow my skin to prevent my ability to explore different types of play.

So, back to where this conversation started.

Temperature play.

Since my skin has such unique reactions to everyday items, I have always counted temperature play as anything that affects my skin. Things like icy hot, which burn me, fall under “hot” sensations. Things like anbesol, which can turn your nerve endings to ice when combines with a fan, fall under “cold” sensations.

I got into a debate with someone about my definitions. “Because,” they said, “you are advocating for chemical play, not temperature play.”

Well, I had honestly never thought about it.

But I had to ask myself one major question, “does definition matter?”

Between Master and I, this new categorization did not matter. Why? Because He and I are aware of my medical issues, and we adjust accordingly. I am physically affected by both chemical and natural compounds. So, what we call it isn’t that important as long as we play safely.

However, my definition does matter in regard to the education I provide to the local community. Temperature play and chemical play has different safety measures that should be considered.

So, I am going to share with you some of the differences I have learned.

Firstly, both types of play fall under an umbrella term: Sensation Play.

Sensation play is basically any type of play that is intentionally meant to push the sensory limits of an individual. This can include soft touches (like feathers), hot and cold sensations (such as the use of fire, ice, or wax), sharp touches (like pinwheels or needles), varying textures (like sandpaper), or the removal of one sensation to enhance other sensations (such as blindfolds or noise cancelling headphones).

If we are being honest, I would say 75% of play can fall under this umbrella. So, the key is that Sensation Play is about intent.

Then we have Temperature and Chemical play.

Temperature play is the use of naturally occurring items (like ice) that cause the body temperature to rise or fall. This can be an entire body experience (such as playing outside in inclement weather) or localized to singular spots on the body.

It has been specified to me, by a couple of people, that I am no longer allowed to consider urine/water sports as temperature play. It, apparently, requires its own negotiation and classification.

It is generally expected that the temperature changes need to happen on bare skin, but I am not opposed to the idea that playing naked in 20-degree weather or playing fully dressed in a sweat suit in the summer, falls under this category.

**Please beware of the hazards of heat stroke and/or hypothermia if attempting the aforementioned ideas**

For the following discussion, please understand that I do not advocate the attempt of this type of play, nor do I advocate the use of any of the chemicals listed, on anyone beyond myself. I use the acronym P.R.I.C.K (Personal Risk, Informed Consensual Kink). You are all adults. What you do with your partner and/or with your body is your responsibility.

Chemical Play is the use of chemicals to produce a specific reaction or sensation on the body. The most common items are tabasco, icy hot, rubbing alcohol, peppermint/spearmint, and ginger.

The most fascinating aspect, to me, is that many of these items fall under more than one type of play.

Rubbing alcohol, for example, can be lit (by either a source of fire or electricity) and now you may be taking part in fire and/or electrical play.
Ginger oil would fall under chemical play due to its reactions with the excretions of the body. But ginger root, which causes similar reactions, falls under food play.
Tabasco creates a similar burning that icy hot does. However, because it is edible, it also falls under food play.
Peppermint/Spearmint can cause cooling, burning, or numbing sensations. They can increase sensitivity in the mouth and genitals. The sensation can come from chemical sources (such as mouthwash), natural food items (such as mints, gum, candy), or artificial chemical means (such as anbesol—which does not taste like peppermint but creates the same sensations).
By definition, wax is also a type of chemical play. However, it is generally considered its own entity.

*Regardless of the type of chemical play you may decide to play in, I recommend testing your reaction on a small, generally non-sensitive patch of skin first. The forearm or leg are a great place to start…before deciding to use it as lube.

Whether you want to delve into temperature play, chemical play, or any other type of play that crosses over, the most important advice I can give is to know your partner. Beyond their limits, know their reactions.

Master and I are aware that many of the items we use will cause a reaction on my skin. Hives are something that we most often just brush aside. He knows to look for a reaction like dizziness or excessive lethargy to signify a more substantial reaction that may need medical intervention.

However, if anyone else is on his table, and he sees hives or welts (beyond the expected results of the type of play), he will call the scene and move into aftercare/medical mode.

It is always important to include allergies when you negotiate. As I mentioned above, hives are often treated with medications like Benadryl. Benadryl, if given to me, causes seizures. I would rather deal with the hives and the itchiness than the seizures.

My restrictions make me extremely cautious regarding pick-up play. My style of negotiation (blanket consent) does not give me the personal freedom of experimenting with anyone outside of Master (or anyone Master chooses). These are my choices.

But, that does not mean you cannot experiment. If you have medical issues, you need to remember a couple important points.

Advocate for yourself. Do not compromise your health. Know your allergies, your reactions, your cures.
Medications taken and allergies (to medication or otherwise) should always be disclosed to your partner.
Keep your emergency contact information within reach. On the off chance that you become non-responsive, your play partner should know who to contact, whether 911 is necessary or not.
Respect the preferences of your potential partner. If they do not feel comfortable having a scene with someone with medical restrictions, respect that. Patience is difficult, but your safety is worth it.
Allow yourself to work within your limits for pick-up play. I recommend pushing limits with a more permanent partner or one intimately familiar with your restrictions.

And, above all, know your partner’s definitions.

submissive

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