switch

This week in kink: August 27, 2018

August 27, 2018 By Desdemona 3 Comments

Photographer: Matthias Wallmeier

Model: Miss Fetilicious

Meet James Davis- a 36 year old army vet who lives with his wife, fiance, and two submissive sex slaves

Click here to read more

Photographer: Matthias Wallmeier

Model: Miss Fetilicious

Ever want to take control of the conversation? Check out these conversational tips from a Dominatrix

Click here to learn more

Photographer: Matthias Wallmeier

Model: Miss Fetilicious

Sophie Saint Thomas dispels a lot of the mystery surrounding foot fetishes

Click here to find out more

Photographer: Matthias Wallmeier

Model: Miss Fetilicious

Don’t miss the new BDSM web-series titled Switch

Click here to learn more

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, collarings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Are We All Switches?

March 26, 2018 By Baadmaster 5 Comments

With DomCon Los Angeles (domconla.com) coming to the L.A. Hilton on the 9^th of May, attendees will see an array of both Dom/me and subs – from 24/7 to weekend players. Thus it might be interesting to examine Dominance and submission from a completely different angle. Remember, this is my opinion and my opinion only!

I think that, in our modern society, it is nearly impossible for anyone to be Dominant 24/7. For example, many Dom/mes work for corporations and thus – unless they own the firm – have a boss. Even the “bosses” will be submissive from time to time in real life. When Dominants, no matter how Toppy, are told at the DMV, “Go to this line,” chances are they will comply. Get a call from the IRS, they will jump like a submissive hit with a single tail. Get stopped by a cop for a ticket, who becomes submissive? Thus, most Dom/mes, whether they admit it or not, have “submissive events” in their lives.

Similarly, with the exception of the atypical live-in slave who doesn’t work and rarely interfaces with the outside world, most submissives have Dominant moments in the real world. Obviously, those subs working basically Dominant jobs (a very common situation) have a lot of Dominant action in their professional lives. But even those who are not dominant in their jobs probably have Dom/me events in real life. Submissives with kids – male or female – must be Dominant with respect to their children. Even those without children will encounter the need to be Dominant sooner or later – if only to boss some underling around. Such is life in the real world.

But once you concede that we all perform acts of both Dominance and submission — and that both mindsets are mixed within us – then the act of being a Dom/me or submissive is usually less question of “pick one” than a matter of degree.

If correct, this personal opinion of mine is really good news for us Dom/mes and for submissives too. Many Dom/mes sometimes second-guess themselves when they – consciously or unconsciously – fall into “sub mode.” For example, I have a live-in, 24/7 slave. Yet there are lots of times I will ask my slave, “What movie would you like to see?” Or, “What restaurant do you want to go to?” At first, I used to agonize over it, asking myself, “Am I being the submissive here?” I am sure there are many Dom/mes who have questioned their behavior regarding similar lapses in protocol.

But if you view Dominance – or submission – as a continuum with elements of both within it – it is very liberating. It allows you to “switch” from time to time without thinking that you might be changing the basic D/s hierarchy within the relationship.

Understanding that we have both Dominant and submissive characteristics within each of us also liberates us when we have “opposite-to-type” fantasies. I admit getting hot when I see pictures of the classic Dominatrix in high-heeled fetish gear. So don’t feel guilty if you are a Dom/me and get excited when you see a Latex Leatherette!

The article asks, “Are we are all switches?” The answer is no…and yes. No, in that most of us have a pre-eminent role that defines us. (Unless one is a true switch.) But yes, in that we all practice activities that are opposite to our Dom/me or sub type — even if only in small doses.

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Beginner’s Corner: What Am I?

March 19, 2018 By Baadmaster 3 Comments

Everyone was a beginner once. And in order to welcome newbies into our community, I will, from time to time, write articles aimed at those who are entering the lifestyle. Like this one!

I recently received a question that stated a newbie was intrigued by the lifestyle, but had no idea what she was – Domme, sub or switch. Or something else! By the question, it is clear that she was unsure what she wanted to be in BDSM. You might say she was asking, “Who am I?”

Often, it is hard for newbies to predict where they will land in the BDSM spectrum. So, my first piece of advice is to follow BaadMaster’s patented three-step formula (sounds impressive, huh?) for finding out about where one lies in the BDSM continuum.

Step 1: Get in touch with what you really want.

As I said many times here on kinkweekly.com, be honest with yourself. Clear your mind and think of what really turns you on – no matter how extreme it might be. One way to find this out is to peruse the BDSM checklists that are included in many of my articles. (Plug, plug!) They will give you an idea of the range of play and will help you focus on what you want — and what you don’t want.

Step 2: Go to a play party and just observe.

Since being a voyeur is an accepted kink, there is nothing wrong in just observing. You might see some type of play that you hadn’t thought of – like rope bondage – which might turn you on. As the twentieth century philosopher, Yogi Berra, said, “You can observe a lot just by watching!”

Step 3: Explore Your BDSM Fantasies.

If you have BDSM fantasies – and I am sure you do — decide which among these fantasies you would actually do. There is a big difference between thinking something is exciting and actually doing it. Thus, you must make a realistic appraisal of those activities that will attempt – and those you simply won’t do.

For example, a very popular BDSM fantasy is to own a sex slave. If that turns you on, tell any prospective play partner, straight up, that you are looking for a sex slave. Don’t lie and say you are an experienced Domme, but rather look for someone who is into learning with you. If you fantasize about subbing, look for a Dom/me who might give you some real time experience in subbing. The object is to find out not only what excites you, but also what areas you have a natural aptitude for.

At this point, you are simply trying to learn; you should not concern yourself with labels. However, if one label does apply, it is newbie. But fret not; as I said in the opening paragraph, everyone was a newbie once. Experience will teach you whether you are a Dom, sub or switch – and not some abstract idea of what you want to be.

Whether you become a Dominant or a submissive, you will be better for the experience. If you wind up a switch, you will be an experienced one. Not a bad start, I must say!

To Top or Not To Top

January 1, 2018 By Baadmaster Leave a Comment

As the New Year is close at hand, I wanted to end the year answering some readers’ questions. Rather than write in the abstract, responding to real life questions makes it so much more personal. Here is a question that, I think, everyone in the lifestyle – from beginner to expert — has pondered.

Every time I ask my Dom for something — like a McDonald’s hamburger — or
make any of my “wants” known, he tells me I am “topping from the bottom” and
punishes me. I signed a slave contract, so is he right?

As we head into 2018, we have to take into account the direction that BDSM is moving. I would opine that we are moving towards a more varied and inclusive BDSM world. Switching, for example, is much more common today – or simply more admitted! So to answer this question, we would have to know where this sub’s relationship falls on the D/s continuum. Is it a classic “Old Guard” high protocol Master/slave relationship or a modern, lower protocol, play-oriented one? Or something in between? One person’s “bottom topping” is another’s “strict discipline.” No longer is high protocol 24/7 Master slave the only way to go – or the only protocol to aspire to. You might say that, within reason – anything goes. And that, at least to me, is a good thing.

Thus, to answer this question, we would have to know what was in the slave contract. The beauty of D/s is that you can negotiate in advance the structure of the relationship in the contract. For example, if your slave contract (see my kinkweekly.com “Slave Contract” article), was a strict protocol document, your Dom/me has the right to punish you and he would be correct. (Of course, since slave contracts cannot legally be enforced, even if he were right, you can still just end the relationship.) On the other hand, if this were a more casual D/s union with a light contract, the Dom/me would be totally wrong.

Most times, these kinds of problems arise when people jump into a D/s relationship without the proper understanding or expectations. For example, a relatively new “slave” signs his/her first contract and after a while she gets sick of asking “Master, may I…?” and longs for his/her vanilla ways. “Gimme a Big Mac” seems a much easier way to get what he/she wants. It is up to the Dominant to correct these habits early and in the context of the protocols of their relationship. If he cannot, or the submissive is unwilling and finds all this structure a drag, it is time for them to give up the Master/slave routine.

In a Master/slave or Dom/sub relationship, defined protocols and honest communication are paramount. Wants must be made known, using the proper protocol of the negotiated D/s relationship. The Dom/me should not have to read the sub’s mind. The sub cannot be expected to be a silent statue waiting for her Dom/me to figure out what she needs. If she is hungry, she must be able to let him know other than by looking like he/she is famished. Topping from the bottom is better than starving on the bottom!

I might add, in 2018, one would be advised to take your time and build a relationship. In this new era, it is not wise to just tie up and flog some stranger you just met at a club. I will be covering “BDSM in the New Era” in a future article. Until then…

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

What is a Switch?

August 14, 2017 By Jenn Masri 9 Comments

When someone tells you they identify as a Dominant or Master, submissive or slave – you have a pretty good idea what that means. But how about when someone tells you they’re a switch? Well, it means you need to ask more questions.
I often compare somebody that identifies as a switch to someone who identifies as bisexual. Now, before you get all upset, I understand that sexual orientation and D/s dynamic identifiers have nothing to do with one another. That is not what I compare. Here is what I mean: both identities lay upon a spectrum and there are some similar stereotypes that both groups deal with.

On one hand you can have someone like me – I personally identify as an s-type, however, I have the skills to top and do enjoy it on occasion with a handful of people. So, technically, I can say I’m a switch because I can Top and bottom for play. However, for me, I have no interest in being anyone’s Dominant or being involved in a D/s dynamic with me as the D-type. I won’t say it will never happen because I know better, it’s just not something I am interested in currently. On the other hand you will find people that feel equally Dominant and submissive and may have a partner (or partners) that they switch with – or are in a poly situation where they have one (or more) partner(s) they submit to and another (or others) they are a Dominant to. Some people may flow from one to another – go through phases if you will. Sometimes in their life they feel the need for more submission and at other times feel the need to express more of their Dominant side. Still others may lean more toward one side or another but it’s closer to a 60/40 than someone like me who is closer to 80/20 (or so). The point is that there is a very diverse spectrum when it comes to being a switch. Everyone is different and you just need to ask what it means to them.

Now I would like to address the stereotype that seems to get placed on switches that reminds me of the one placed on those that identify as bisexual. It’s the stereotype that a switch is confused about their identity, going through a phase, or just doesn’t want to commit one way or the other. While these things, of course, can be true for some people – it is not true for most.

Being a switch is just as much who they are as someone who knows they are a D-type or an s-type. I am not confused about what I like. That doesn’t mean it may not change. When I discovered this community I swore I was totally an s-type and would never be able to Top. Eventually I started exploring it because, well, why not? I believe this lifestyle is perfect for self-exploration and growth! So I explored the “Top side” of play. I had always gone to classes to learn how to use implements, etc. to enhance my play as a bottom and learn about it for safety reasons. So once I started to Top I already had some skill. I found I tend to prefer Topping s-type women. I can Top men, however, I usually do that from more of a “service Top” position. It’s not what curls my toes. I don’t know what will develop down the line. Perhaps I will come upon a woman I would like to serve me in some capacity. I try to never say never because none of us really know what the future holds. Does that change (if it were to happen) mean I’m just “going through a phase”? Absolutely not. I still feel my submission pulled from male Dom energy and believe I always will. It’s simply a matter of how my Top side will grow or with whom.

We all have our own story and our own journey. This space allows us to explore and reach in directions we never thought possible. Know thyself and then get to know others. Especially those darn switches! :)

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

To Switch Or Not To Switch?

July 3, 2017 By Baadmaster 4 Comments

With the “Changing of the Old Guard,” I would like to address actual questions that are submitted to me. My answers, of course, are merely my opinions and should be taken as such. Nevertheless, our aim here at kinkweekly.com should be to encourage BDSM dialogue, and answering actual questions is one good place to start.

Here is this week’s question: “I am a Millennial new to BDSM. I like the idea of having a sex slave, but I’d also be interested in subbing to the right person. How do I begin my BDSM journey? I’m not sure who to approach or how. Should I call myself a switch? Should I only contact switches for advice or play?”

By your question, it is clear that you are unsure where you want to wind up. Many Millennials new to BDSM are experimenting. It is hard for newbies to predict where they will land in the BDSM spectrum. So, my first piece of advice is to follow BaadMaster’s patented three-step formula (sounds impressive, huh?) for finding out where you lie in the BDSM continuum.

1. Get in touch with what you really want. Be honest with yourself. Clear your mind and think of what fantasies really turns you on – no matter how extreme it might be. Get an idea of the range of play will help you focus on what you want — and what you don’t want. Try and put these fantasies in your order of preference. After a while, you will get a pretty good idea of what is hot to you – and what is not.

2. Decide which among these fantasies you would actually do. There is a difference between thinking something is exciting and actually doing it. Thus, you must make a realistic appraisal of those activities that will attempt – and those you simply won’t do.

3. The intersection of one and two is where you should begin your BDSM journey.

For example, you already said that you want to own a sex slave. Unless you only fanaticize about it and won’t actually do it – for whatever reason – then it is time to explore this fantasy. Tell any prospective play partner, straight up, that you are looking for a sex slave. Don’t lie and say you are an experienced Dom/me, but rather look for a submissive who is into learning with you.

On the other side, you should also look for a Dom/me who might give you some real time experience in subbing. The object is to find out not only what turns you on, but also what areas you have a natural aptitude for.

At this point, you are simply trying to learn; you should not concern yourself with labels. However, if one label does apply, it is newbie. But don’t worry; everyone was a newbie once. Experience will teach you whether you are a Dom/me, sub or switch — not some abstract idea of what you want to be. Forget labels; just learn what you really are.

In the era that predated our current Internet age, there existed a group of loosely affiliated leather groups that came to be known as the Old Guard Leather Societies. Although much is lost to history, legend is that they had a precept that “you cannot become a Master or a Top without having been a slave or a bottom.” Either consciously or unconsciously, you are following that time-honored principle. Since you are lucky enough to be able to both Top and bottom while you learn, this is a great way to go. Whether you become a Dominant or a submissive, you will be better for it. And if you wind up a switch, you will be an experienced one. Not a bad start, I must say!

Dom Wants to Submit

April 3, 2017 By Baadmaster 5 Comments

Often my articles are inspired by questions I receive regarding BDSM, D/s, relationships and all kinds of kink-related queries. (After all, this is KINK weekly!) One of the most intriguing questions I have been asked is the following one:

“If my sincere desire is to be completely dominated, and I have a dominant personality outside the playroom, can my fantasy truly ever become a reality?”

The answer is an unequivocal “yes!” In fact, when one examines the real life dynamics of dominance and submission, you will find that there is a lot of role reversal in this lifestyle. For example, many bigwig executives, who are among the most dominant, type-A individuals you can find, seek domination in their off-hours. Ask any pro-Domme and you will find that many of their clients are high-powered business types. This stems from the most human of needs – to reverse roles when in relaxation mode. The last thing many a captain of industry wants, after a week of non-stop decision-making, is to spend the weekend making more decisions. It can go deeper than that psychologically, but the overview is still one of role reversal. Conversely, there are pro-Dommes who, when they are not working in the dungeon, like nothing better than to be dominated. And this has little to do with switching; this is a situation where the dominant businessperson, for example, wants his play life to be as a submissive.

(I will not address the question of whether a Dom/me ordering a submissive to “spank me” is an act of dominance. I might tackle this in another column.)

Of course, there are men and women who are dominant in their profession and dominant in their relationship; there are submissive/submissive people, too. You are far from alone in your needs and your ability to fulfill them. The first step is to let things happen naturally. Let me explain. Since you wish to be completely dominated, you must look for a potential partner who stirs your submissive feelings. This could pose a problem as many will perceive you as a dominant and be skeptical of your need to submit to any degree. So it might take time for you to find a partner that dovetails into you submissive needs. “Complete domination,” as you put it, is a state that you gradually arrive at over time; you won’t get there right off the bat. But finding a Master/Mistress who stimulates the inner submissive within you is the first step toward that goal. If you have spent time with a skilled pro-Domme you will understand your needs – and limits — more deeply.

The second step is for you to acknowledge that you will never be able to shed all the domineering characteristics of your personality. A sensitive Master/Mistress will never ask you to do that. What you must find is a Dom/Domme whose control of you in the dungeon dovetails into your kinky needs while encouraging you to continue your day-to-day dominance. A wise Master/Mistress knows he/she can affect some behavior modification, but will never want to change you completely. Nor should he/she try to. When you look for your “dream Dom/Domme,” make sure he/she instinctively gives you “domineering latitude” – without it, it will not work.

The third step is to actually find your ideal Dominant – and the best way to find him/her is to be honest from the jump. Tell any potential Master/Mistress about your domineering personality. Don’t hide it; don’t play “perfect slave” as a way of enticing that person. Many people use this technique and it is doomed to failure.

The key is to find a Dominant – whether a pro Dom/me or a relationship Dom/me — who finds your “domineering personality” appealing, and is willing to accept and even encourage your “outside the dungeon” dominance. After all, it is always best to accept a partner “just the way he/she is.” If you truly enjoy exploring your submissive side after a hard week of being “domineering,” you will likely find a Master/Mistress who will work with you. After all, there is nothing a Dom/Domme likes better than a partner who really needs to be a dominated! And you seem to fit this mold to a “T.”

Opinion: The roles that bind

October 12, 2015 By Simon Blaise 9 Comments

Why I feel a switch is more of a master than a master

The reason I’m writing this is to help those who have hit a wall and have finally stopped believing everyone who refers to them as such just because they typed it on a screen when creating a profile – but rather hears the quiet voice in their head that speaks only the truth that they can no longer ignore.

Mastery as a Verb (Not as a TPE, management of slaves, or anything else, just a verb)
As a verb, (which is the only definition I personally feel fits “Master” in the context of a kinkysexual lifestyle), is defined as:

1. To acquire complete knowledge or skill in an accomplishment, technique, or art.

2. gain control of; overcome.
synonyms: learn, become proficient in, know inside out, know (frontward and) backwards; pick up, grasp, understand; get the hang of

If one were to call themselves “Master”, they are saying they know something “inside out”. The only type of kinkysexual I have personally experienced that knows kink “inside out” is a switch.
If you believe you are a master who knows kink “inside and out” without ever bottoming, this article is not for you – yet, or perhaps ever. So you can stop reading now, but feel free to bookmark this if anything ever changes.

Moving on, I’ve bottomed to, and even served, leather masters now and again over the last 20 years and I found those who never switched knew the out very well, but not the inside – you can’t say anything to these people, just don’t return their calls and emails.
So how can we call a person who never bottomed “master” without quietly saying to ourselves “I’m just going to be polite and call that person master so as to avoid making any waves.” I don’t have an answer.

Mastery is Overcoming
To master something, one overcomes. If kink is the only thing in life you feel you have mastered, then this may be hard to understand.

What does a master who never bottoms overcome? Carpal-tunnel syndrome?

For someone who never bottoms, where is the fear? Where is the fear to overcome? Does one even know what the fear feels like when one never experiences giving up total control?

So in a sub-conclusion, a switch, by definition, has done the work that other masters in other disciplines must do to earn the title master. However, and ironically, switches do not usually claim the title master out of humility and desire to remain unchained to words. That is why I feel switches should be considered masters of kink.

Enslavement to Roles
If you are enslaved to a role, can you be a master or even a slave to another master? (That’s a question only you can answer for yourself.)

Thousands of years ago, it was written in a fantastic story book, also referred to as a “bible” by some: “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other.”

For me, I feel as a global kinkysexual community, we are becoming more and more enslaved to roles like top and bottom, dominant and submissive, and master and slave, that I have seen tend to hinder, not broaden, sexual experiences.

Roles in Relationships as Opposed to Play
You may have a default comfort in relationships like me. I’ve never had a relationship where I’m a submissive or slave because outside of the kink of submission itself to simply have mind blowing orgasms, it doesn’t make me happy or I haven’t found anyone who could inspire submission or surrender on a relationship level – until that happens, I will never really know, but since there’s absolutely nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to submission or surrender, I will keep an open mind.

Actually, the best sexual experiences I’ve ever had in my life were with kinkysexuals who refuse to adopt a role, but adopt and accept themselves, and do whatever the hell they feel like at the moment – now that’s dominating life and society’s nonsense in my opinion. Consequently, over the years, I have become more and more inspired to free myself of “role bondage” by these marvelous and powerful creatures who had no shackles to bare.

Is Mastery outside of Kink the same as Mastery in Kink?
In martial arts, a master has a long history of enduring pain, the physical pain when struck and the emotional pain of defeat when bested by their master over and over again. I know of no masters in martial arts who only kick others and never receive a kick themselves. And if you have a traditional martial arts training experience, you’re basically a slave without the sex and play.
In naval traditions, masters of a ship had to start out as midshipmen. They endured the humiliation and challenge of recruit training and service on a ship before becoming a master of their own ship.
The examples go on and on.

So that begs the question…why is being a master in kink any different?

The simple answer: It really isn’t. Why?

To top or bottom is more of an act than a role, like being a punching bag for your martial arts master and fellow students. However, many act as though both top and bottom are roles that bind because they think everyone else believes acts define us as human beings, when acts actually enrich us – and heaven forbid others think of us as not conforming to those standards in kink that keep us cool, palatable and acceptable.

What really happens is that the roles obfuscate the need for knowledge and awareness so as it cannot be obtained by a shackled mind. If you must have a role, I feel the best role in kink is “perpetual student” and when your white flogger has turned black over the years, you’ve become a master.

Effects of the Roles that Bind
I have met many who identify as one role and act outside of that role with guilt, turmoil, or shame. We would have a stronger community if we supported, not judged or exiled, other kinkysexuals who venture out beyond their initial programming no matter where it takes them in kink.

Conclusion
Again, if you’re happy and smiling in your role, keep up the good work. This is for those who are expanding beyond their initial roles and feel bad about it.

I’m not saying that there is no one who is a total slave in kink. I’m saying that if you suspect a role is what’s keeping you in a holding pattern, it’s time to ask yourself – “why isn’t kink making me smile anymore?”

We are human, which means we can be more than roles if we choose. There is not one right way, but many. Consequently, roles can sometimes fool us into thinking there is “one way” to be and “one way” to experience kink.

We need freedom to be human and environments that stifle freedom only hinder our evolution and growth towards a more loving and compassionate community. I hope this article adds to an environment of acceptance of those who are hard to accept by others and themselves.

*As for social masters in the communities out there who were covered because of their service to their community, that’s a whole other animal and not what I am addressing here. I know plenty of covered masters who get down in all sorts of ways according to what turns them on – and that’s awesome in my book.

Since his introduction into the BDSM lifestyle in the early 90s, the “Kinkstar” Simon Blaise has shared his passion for BDSM with the world as an international presenter at BDSM/Leather events across the globe for the last 8 years. As an attorney, he has provided probono legal services to members of the BDSM, Leather and LGBT communities for the last 10 years. As a transgender person who lives equally as both a male and a female, he hopes to pave the way for others in our community to feel more comfortable about living authentically and openly. You can learn more about him here.

Do you agree that a switch is more of a master of BDSM than a master? Have your say below…

switch

Model: Miss Fetilicious

Model: Miss Fetilicious

Model: Miss Fetilicious

Model: Miss Fetilicious

Step 1: Get in touch with what you really want.

Step 2: Go to a play party and just observe.

Step 3: Explore Your BDSM Fantasies.

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