Terminology

How To Connect With A Submissive On FetLife

November 16, 2015 By anniebear 26 Comments

One of the most common questions we get from readers is how to meet fellow like-minded kinky people for play or dating. There are a lot of different answers to this, but in this article I want to cover Fetlife as a way to meet people. This builds on Jenn Masri’s earlier article about >FetLife Etiquette.

While FetLife is intended to be a social network more than a dating or hook up site, people do of course message and meet each other on the site. As a submissive woman, I get a lot of messages from dominant men looking to connect. Based on comparing notes with other submissive women, this is not unusual. So if you want to meet people in this way, it pays to put some thought into how you go about it in order to stand out from the crowd in a positive way and maximize your chance of getting a reply.

There is a misconception that when corresponding online, normal rules, etiquette, and general politeness can be tossed out the window. For FetLife specifically, many assumptions are made due to someone listing themselves as a submissive, bottom, etc. I’m writing from the point of view of a female submissive, but this information can be utilized across all dynamics and orientations because my preferred method of communication is based on mutual respect.

Another point to note is that a lot of female submissives/bottoms receive many many messages, so it’s important to make your message comprehensive enough to garner a response but not to shock someone into ignoring you forever. I think there is a misconception that a crazy, off the wall message will at least get a reaction, but it will be the wrong kind. It’s also best to avoid overly complimentary messages. They show little substance and are also the most commonly received, poorly thought out type of message. Instead, focus on other information you can glean from the submissive’s profile that can indicate that you have actually read it (most people don’t, so this is an easy way to set yourself apart). Maybe they list an interest in pet play or mention they enjoy rope that you share a commonality with or desire to try. Focus on the non-superficial aspects and close with an open-ended question that requires something beyond a yes or no response. Finally, strive to never come across as needy, desperate, or angry. A good friend once told me, “He who loses his cool always loses.” You don’t want to be that weird guy typing angrily at his computer because someone didn’t respond or responded rudely to you.

Let’s start by looking at some examples of what NOT to say. The following are real examples of messages I have received on FetLife. I’ve “cleverly” covered the names and photos to protect the clueless.

1. Domly Dom

This is a common approach used in general – having a quippy subject line to get the receiver to open it, it’s a good tactic but not in this example. This person assumes too much. They believe their Domly Dom message will make me melt into a puddle. On the contrary, it did quite the opposite – this is a total turn off. Yes, I have been brought to my knees by a Dom but not by you, and you now will never have that opportunity.

Instead: This type of talk can be a real turn on but everything has to come in steps and with trust. Had he engaged me like a regular human being, then this type of talk would eventually not be too far off.

2. Boner Dom

No, I’m not particularly interested. If you’re on FetLife for sex, that’s perfectly fine, but there is a proper way to go about meeting other like-minded people, such as respectfully stating your interests. Once again, this is a failure to approach a person as a regular person.

Instead: This falls in the similar vein as the Domly Dom message. A polite introduction followed by an outline of this person’s interests would have been a better approach and much less polarizing. Many people want to find someone right away without any effort, but in order to find quality people, you have to do the legwork.

3. Quick Escalation

I recently went out of town.. Prior to my trip, I was reaching out to some local kinksters and joining a few events via RSVP’s. I received this message out of that:

There are a few issues with this message. I kind of took a big risk even responding in the first place as this guy’s profile photo was a picture of his penis in comparison to an air freshener can. In my experience, people with these types of photos as their profile picture are typically on FetLife for hooks ups; you can read more about that in this FetLife Etiquette article. While he did admit that he was new-which would explain the direction the conversation went, to go straight to propositioning me for sex is extremely inappropriate. I had never given any indication that this would be something in which I’d be interested. The funniest part about this situation is while on my trip, I was talking with one of my friends and she specifically mentioned getting a weird message from a guy whose profile photo matched the exact description of this one; it was the same guy! Girls talk and if you give off a weird vibe, word travels fast.

Instead: He could have offered to meet in person or even speak to my Dominant first to see if there would be an interest for this type of play.

4. Blank Dom

Now, there is nothing horrible about this message. However, at the time of writing, his profile was blank and he had no photo. I’ll give more appreciation to someone who has at the very least put forth effort to fill out a profile, even if it’s short. The blank profile photo is understandable as many folks cannot show their face, but put something there. It shows inexperience and laziness to not include an avatar.

Instead: At the very least, have a “filler photo.” I am not a fan of using photos that don’t belong to you, but take a photo of something and post it. Some people will post play toys that they own or lingerie in lieu of a face pic.

5. The Eager Beaver

Take notice of the time mark between the two messages. This guy hit me up with the “hey beautiful lady” and barely twenty four hours passed before he fired back with this needy, desperate, and not funny response. Remember, tonality is lost in text and online communication, so while you think you may sound funny to yourself, the general “tone” will be lost on your receiver. I also hate to tell you all that his profile photo WAS HIS PENIS BEING COMPARED TO AN AIR FRESHENER CAN! I cannot make this up. I should start a collection of genitals in comparison to inanimate objects album. This just reinforces my theory that genital profile pictures usually belong to people who are creepy and weird.

Instead: I have nothing for this one other than don’t be desperate. Or, if you are in fact desperate then try not to come across that way. Politely pinging someone a second time if they don’t respond is perfectly fine – but give it a few days before circling back.

6. Mixed Messages

This message is nonsense. It comes from someone who must be inexperienced, but what does he want from me? He compliments me but then says he prefers to switch but then wants me to submit. I often get messages that say “Hey, you’re beautiful just stopping by to say hi.” This is a very low value message and is crafted in such a way as to not have much of an opening for the sender to be rejected. The sender believes that I’ll swoon over the compliments and respond. It also will usually garner no response from me.

Switching gears a bit, let’s move away from the negative and on to some constructive advice. Here are a few examples of great FetLife messaging techniques. These people deserve gold stars in the vast land of online correspondence.

1. Unique Approach

This was a well thought out message. I honestly had a blank profile at the time of this writing, but he took the time to craft a unique message to me that does not completely focus on my looks. I do have a small inkling that he does use this type of message often, but it was well written.

2. Short and Sweet

This one was short and to the point. It included a compliment and a specific “action” question regarding seeking partners.

3. Intrigued

Another well thought out, specific to the receiver message. He also tells me something about himself that is beyond the general and obvious.

I hope these examples help outline some best practices for strong, online correspondence. Let me know about your FetLife messenger stories-I love to hear about the good, the bad, and the ugly. And, if you have had success messaging people on Fet – share your secrets!

Stay tuned for a future article on how to approach a potential submissive/bottom in person!

Writer, model, babygirl, submissive. After trying vanilla relationships one time too many, anniebear finally realized her submissive desires and discovered the BDSM community. When not writing for Kink Weekly, she enjoys spankings and being tied with rope.

BDSM Dungeon Etiquette

November 16, 2015 By Jenn Masri 3 Comments

So you’re new and ready to go to your first play party? Or perhaps you’ve been going to play parties for a while and started letting basic etiquette slip? Oh yes, it’s usually the people who should know better that I see making faux pas! So let’s go over the most common play party do’s and don’ts.

CLEAN! This is in reference mostly to the equipment and furniture you are using for a scene. However, I also advise that you clean your toys. But hey, that’s on you and if we aren’t playing then you and your partner can cover that. Back to the furniture, though, you should clean it before you play as well as after you’re done. Some people may complain, “but I’m the first one to use it, so why clean it first?” While you may be the first one on it at that party – you have no idea what happened on it the night before or before the party started – especially if you are at a dungeon that offers pro sessions. It could have been used 30 minutes before the party doors opened. Plus, if you aren’t the first ones on it that means someone else (hopefully) cleaned it – but did they clean all the parts you will be using? Did they clean it correctly? Better to be safe than sorry.

SPACE! Giving those in a scene the space they need. Stand back, give them room. Do NOT get up close and personal. You are not involved in the scene and it is not ok to invite yourself! It doesn’t matter if they are doing something interesting that you don’t have a good view of. If you want to know more about it then wait for a better time later in the evening to approach them and ask. Also, if whips or floggers are being thrown, go around! Don’t complain if you get hit because you walked through someone’s scene.

SHHHHHHH! Be mindful of your voice and socializing. If you want to socialize there are areas in every club meant just for that. If you’re watching a scene but want to say something to your friend next to you – get in their ear and whisper. Keep the conversation to a minimum. If you are setting up for a scene or just finished – again – be mindful of your non-scene noise level. Keep your voice down as much as possible. Too much “non-scene” talking can really pull people out of their head space that are playing around you. On the other side of this issue you may be the one who is trying to do a scene and it’s other people being loud. Simply gesture to them to lower the volume in a respectful way. Most people get carried away and don’t realize their voices got louder. Typically a small reminder is enough. If that doesn’t work, well, keep reading.

EQUIPTMENT HOG! Hogging equipment can take two forms. Time and space. At some clubs you may have a time limit on your scene. In this case it won’t matter because you won’t have a choice but to give up your play space at the designated time. However, most clubs do not time scenes. Therefore, you should consider how many people are in attendance and how much of a demand there is for play stations. Be considerate. If it’s a busy party don’t play for hours. The other issue is space. I see it all too often – people wandering around (sometimes including me!) looking for an area to play and there are perfectly good spaces that are covered in the toys or bags of the people scening on the next station over. Not cool. First of all – if you have a million bags but have a specific scene planned, try to consolidate your toys before heading to the party. Beyond that – look for a place to put your bag/toys that is within your station. Don’t use a play table for storage. If you’re concerned about putting your things on the floor, bring a towel to throw down.

DON’T INTERRUPT! I don’t care if you get to a party and are really excited to see a friend of yours but they’re in a scene or you are leaving and really want to say bye to someone who is in a scene. Don’t interrupt if A, you haven’t been invited into the scene or B, there isn’t an urgent situation. That said, let’s look at these two exceptions. Being invited into a scene can take on two forms. One, all involved have consented to you joining the scene to bottom, top or assist in a positive way. Lovely, have fun. Two, the Top has requested for you to enter a scene because they need assistance in an urgent situation. Perhaps they have their bottom suspended and they need to come down faster than expected. The Top knows they have time to bring the bottom down safely, however, asks you to lift one leg (for example) to make it easier for them to loosen the rope. There could be a million similar situations, but you get the picture. In this situation you do ONLY what the Top has asked you to do. You are not automatically granted consent for anything else. I have seen this happen where the person is asked to assist to lift a bottom’s leg and decided that meant he could also let his fingers wander to her “naughty bits”. NO! NO! Only do what you are asked – nothing more. Moving on to the other exception – the urgent situation. This may be a thing like someone needs to move their car or risk getting towed or the club is closed/party is over and they need to wrap it up. Yes, these examples are situations where the person should have taken a few more steps in personal responsibility, however, that’s a different issue for another article! So you need to get their attention but they are mid-scene. Make eye contact with the Top and gesture to them that you need to tell them something. Most Tops will assume that if you are interrupting it must be important. Once you let them know what’s going on then assess what needs to happen. If the Top needs to walk away from their bottom then they need to put them in a safe position and make sure someone they trust stays with them. Another option is to have someone else handle the problem so they can stay with their partner. NEVER just leave a bottom unattended mid-scene!
Not interrupting also applies to when people are in aftercare! Aftercare is an extension of the scene. If it’s obvious that people are in aftercare – treat them as if they were still playing. If you aren’t sure, make eye contact with the Top, the person most “present”, or the person you know best, and ask if they are up for chatting.

GET HELP! So you follow all the rules, politely ask people to keep it down, etc. Great! What happens, however, when you need assistance? Here are a couple reasons this may happen. One, a bottom my call red and you don’t see the Top stopping or perhaps someone seems like they are in extreme distress to you. Especially if you’re newer to the scene and public play – you may be reading the scene wrong. This is a good time to express your concern to a DM (Dungeon Monitor). DMs have typically been trained to assess scenes and situations in the club. They are usually easily identified via an arm band, sash, or badge. Another time you should get a DM or the party host is when you are having a personal issue with someone. If you have politely asked someone to decrease their volume or give you more space and they repeatedly ignore your requests – ask for assistance. It’s not your job to personally take on someone being rude or unruly.

BONUS TIP! HYGIENE! Stinky is not sexy!! Come to the party clean, use deodorant, brush your teeth. This doesn’t mean swim in cologne! I, personally, always have a deodorant stick in my toy bag in case I need to re-apply post play.

Overall – be aware, be respectful and if you don’t know, ask. These tips will get you far and a more pleasant party experience for everyone!!

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Opinion: “We are special because we are D/s”

November 2, 2015 By Nookie 4 Comments

I read a writing today.

It’s good to see someone talking over the pain a breakup can be. Especially a man, who seem to weigh in too rarely.

It’s not good to see it based on this concept:
“Anyone in a long term, committed D/s relationship can attest to the fact that the level of intimacy, trust and communication is unparalleled and can not be duplicated in a vanilla relationship.”

Really? WHY do we have to try to elevate ourselves above other groups so much? Where is this myth coming from?

Confirmation Bias, It’s A Thing

Just to be clear what I’m talking about here:
Confirmation bias (also called confirmatory bias or myside bias) is a tendency for people to favor information that confirms their preconceptions or hypotheses regardless of whether the information is true.

Let me explain a bit… (italics in this section are there for a reason)
So many people come into this lifestyle (We’ll talk about D/s, but know that I mean any lifestyle, including kink, swinging, cuckolding, BDSM, gay, lesbian…) after a lifetime (however long THAT is) of looking for MORE out of life.
Most come here with several failed relationships tucked into their catalog of experiences.

Many come with some idea that THIS may be the THING. Maybe they watched porn, or had dreams of tying people up, or are just naturally bossy. Who knows? Doesn’t matter.

They come, and they see all this companionship and acceptance and traditions and people bowing and kneeling, and think, “A HA! This is awesome. THIS is what I’ve been looking for.”

And so, they throw themselves into it. They join discussion groups, they meet like-minded people who share their views. They are accepted for who they are. They have deep discussions. They participate in activities that bond them with their communities and other individuals.

They have found their place. They have NEVER felt so much themselves, before, ever.

Their next relationship is AMAZING. It’s full of new discoveries, intimacy, and openness and honesty they have never experienced before.

And they KNOW it’s because THIS WORLD, this one they are a part of is just inherently better, because it stresses truth as part of the culture. It stresses soul and trust, and communication as part of it’s relationship strictures. It stresses leadership and roles.

Ok, aside from the specific sections up there that I italicised, this experience is NO DIFFERENT than those who are born again.

That is confirmation bias.

You are searching. You want something. You find something, and think, “YES!” and your mind goes about proving it to be true to you.

And that’s cool! It really is. And it’s probably true. FOR YOU. After all, this relationship you’re in now, is always more likely to be better than the ones before. Because you have experience. And because you are in it now. Very few people go into their next serious relationship thinking, “Oh well, I guess I’ll just take something less than what I had before, since that worked out so poorly…”

And frankly, I’m happy for those who find religion, and make it work for them, too.
However, I am not so happy with those who feel they are somehow the only ones with the knowledge of what’s best, because they finally found something they can believe in, and fit themselves into. That’s just wrong.

But… The TRUST!
Aside from the acknowledged power exchange, a vanilla relationship and a D/s relationship by definition do not have other differences.

Same with a swingers relationship, minus swinging.
Same with a kinky sex relationship minus the kinky sex.
Same as a marriage with children minus the children.

Yes, relationships can be built without 100% trust in the vanilla world. They can in D/s as well. They are. ALL THE TIME.

Logically:
There is no such thing as 200%, 110%, or even 100.000001% of you, of your trust, of your effort. There is just 100%. All the trust you have. All there is. Imagine that that last 1% of trust is that of Abraham to God when commanded to kill Isaac.

Do you have THAT trust in your partner? The trust that would allow you to follow that command, knowing that their is greater good for you in it?

Only you can answer that. I do NOT have that kind of trust in my relationships, D/s or no. I will not kill on faith for the man I love most in the world. I don’t think he’s going to hold that against me, or suggest that I am ‘less true’ in my love for him.

I Call Bullshit

I’m leery of those who suggest that “vanilla” folks cannot trust as much as D/s people. Or that those relationships do not lend themselves to trust.

I do believe that coming into the world of D/s, most people are exposed, for the first time, to a lot of writing and discussion about what makes relationships work.

And many put it into practice for the first time.

However, I know that YOU know, personally, plenty of relationships in D/s that do not communicate much. Some less than the vanilla people you know.

I’m even willing to go so far as to say that D/s communities STRESS trust and communication and such more than vanilla communities. There might even be more of it in D/s relationships, because of making it a priority.

But we are NOT the only one. I promise you that.
And to suggest that we are, and that you are, because you are part of this group is the height of arrogance.

Furthermore, to suggest that you actually know what goes on in other people’s relationships that you have no part in (regardless of what they tell you), and then to compare yours to theirs to make yours look better is just masturbatory self-congratulations.

Do What Works

This is one of my mottos. And I’m stating for the record:
If your D/s relationships are the most intimate and trusting, and {insert whatever positive thing here}, ever FOR YOU, then shout that to the world. I’m happy for you.

Just don’t use that as a judgment call against the sum totality of all other relationships. Life and logic don’t work that way.

Nookie is a mostly FemDom-leaning North Carolina kinkster with a wide variety of
interests, and a penchant for writing and teaching. She and her work
can be found on Fetlife and tumblr.

The Dynamics of 24/7 D/s

November 2, 2015 By Baadmaster 3 Comments

Comedian Steven Wright tells a story where, at 4 A.M., he goes to a diner that says, “Open 24 Hours” It was closed. The next day he asks the owner, “Aren’t you open 24 hours?” The owner replies, “Yeah, we are…but not in a row!”

There are many takes on the 24/7 Master/slave subject, but I personally believe you can be 24/7…but it doesn’t have to be “in a row.” (Note: 24/7 should not be confused with High Protocol relationships. We will cover Protocols – High, Medium and Low — in a future Kink Weekly edition.)

I know some couples in linear “in a row” 24/7 Master/slave relationships; but most Master/slave relationships are not of this variety. In fact, with real world concerns such as jobs and kids, this type of linear 24/7 Master/slave relationship is almost impossible — except for the few who are willing to make the demanding commitment that this type of relationship requires. Keeping these factors in mind, I have come up with a working definition that seems to cover all the bases.

“24/7 Master/slave is a mental/physical state of non-stop ownership.”

This definition explains why even non-live-in 24/7 Master/slave unions can be every bit as powerful their 24/7 live-in counterparts. My personal belief is that one can be owned 24/7, much like one can be married 24/7 — the marriage doesn’t end when you leave each other’s presence. But in the BDSM world there are many techniques that can be used to ensure the 24/7 dynamic stays strong – even when separated.

For example, in a collared relationship, the actual collar is a constant reminder of the slave’s submission. Worn at all times, it serves as a constant reminder that the slave is connected and owned by the Master – twenty-four hours, seven days a week. The collar has its spiritual component; it symbolizes the Master touching the slave’s neck at all times. It is, to almost all of us, a lot more than just a vanilla necklace. It might be said that the slave collar is the single biggest symbol that connects the slave to the Master/Mistress at all times.

But, there are other techniques that can keep the D/s dynamic intact when the two are apart. For example, I know a slave who wears ankle cuffs under her pants when she is in the business world. Many Dom/mes make their slaves wear some sexual device – such as a butt plug – while they are apart. This works – but it is usually not practical for a slave who has a desk job. LOL!

Luckily, there are new technologies that enable those in non-linear Master/slave relationships to maintain, and even add to, their 24/7 dynamic.
With the emergence of the smart phone, Master/slave relationships have a new ally. With the clever use of “smart phone-as-protocol,” one can easily uphold the Master/slave hierarchy at all times. For example, the slave can be required to call in when she arrives at work and say an affirmation. It can be one brief sentence (“Sir/Madame, I am your slave”) or even a picture; this can reinforce the both the Dom/me and slave’s consciousness of their respective roles. Smart phone based protocols can duplicate in-person rituals of a Master/slave relationship. 24/7 is a bit easier now than it was in the pay phone era. (“Slave, keep a roll of quarters on you at all times!)

I know a Master who calls his slave during her lunch hour and gives her a small task to perform. It might be very minor – such as her meditating for a minute or two. But, it does strengthen their Master/slave hierarchy in a truly innovative way. Likely the next generation of communication devices will open up even newer ways to extend the range of D/s for those in “24/7 but not in a row” relationships.

But does eliminating linearity as a requirement make it easy to be a 24/7 slave? Of course not. To be a slave, 24/7 or otherwise, requires trust, devotion and the need to serve one’s Master or Mistress. These are qualities that must be cultivated – whether it is 24/7, 5/3 or even long distance.

BDSM is constantly evolving. There cannot be one right way to do it. If you use a rigid definition of 24/7 Master/slave, you are excluding many couples who might have very potent power exchange dynamics. The strength of a slave’s submission, for example, is not necessarily proportional to the amount of hours per week spent in serving his/her Master/Mistress. I think it is, however, relative to the quality of the submission and the strength of the connection between the two – whether by cell phone, telepathy or spirit – during the time they are apart.

So, to those of you who want to own or be a 24/7 slave, this article might make you less scared to attempt it. Keep in mind, that when you wear your Master’s slave collar, you wear it 24/7. You are owned 24/7. Even if not in a row! Tell us what you think in the comments.

by BAADMASTER
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Opinion: The roles that bind

October 12, 2015 By Simon Blaise 9 Comments

Why I feel a switch is more of a master than a master

The reason I’m writing this is to help those who have hit a wall and have finally stopped believing everyone who refers to them as such just because they typed it on a screen when creating a profile – but rather hears the quiet voice in their head that speaks only the truth that they can no longer ignore.

Mastery as a Verb (Not as a TPE, management of slaves, or anything else, just a verb)
As a verb, (which is the only definition I personally feel fits “Master” in the context of a kinkysexual lifestyle), is defined as:

1. To acquire complete knowledge or skill in an accomplishment, technique, or art.

2. gain control of; overcome.
synonyms: learn, become proficient in, know inside out, know (frontward and) backwards; pick up, grasp, understand; get the hang of

If one were to call themselves “Master”, they are saying they know something “inside out”. The only type of kinkysexual I have personally experienced that knows kink “inside out” is a switch.
If you believe you are a master who knows kink “inside and out” without ever bottoming, this article is not for you – yet, or perhaps ever. So you can stop reading now, but feel free to bookmark this if anything ever changes.

Moving on, I’ve bottomed to, and even served, leather masters now and again over the last 20 years and I found those who never switched knew the out very well, but not the inside – you can’t say anything to these people, just don’t return their calls and emails.
So how can we call a person who never bottomed “master” without quietly saying to ourselves “I’m just going to be polite and call that person master so as to avoid making any waves.” I don’t have an answer.

Mastery is Overcoming
To master something, one overcomes. If kink is the only thing in life you feel you have mastered, then this may be hard to understand.

What does a master who never bottoms overcome? Carpal-tunnel syndrome?

For someone who never bottoms, where is the fear? Where is the fear to overcome? Does one even know what the fear feels like when one never experiences giving up total control?

So in a sub-conclusion, a switch, by definition, has done the work that other masters in other disciplines must do to earn the title master. However, and ironically, switches do not usually claim the title master out of humility and desire to remain unchained to words. That is why I feel switches should be considered masters of kink.

Enslavement to Roles
If you are enslaved to a role, can you be a master or even a slave to another master? (That’s a question only you can answer for yourself.)

Thousands of years ago, it was written in a fantastic story book, also referred to as a “bible” by some: “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other.”

For me, I feel as a global kinkysexual community, we are becoming more and more enslaved to roles like top and bottom, dominant and submissive, and master and slave, that I have seen tend to hinder, not broaden, sexual experiences.

Roles in Relationships as Opposed to Play
You may have a default comfort in relationships like me. I’ve never had a relationship where I’m a submissive or slave because outside of the kink of submission itself to simply have mind blowing orgasms, it doesn’t make me happy or I haven’t found anyone who could inspire submission or surrender on a relationship level – until that happens, I will never really know, but since there’s absolutely nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to submission or surrender, I will keep an open mind.

Actually, the best sexual experiences I’ve ever had in my life were with kinkysexuals who refuse to adopt a role, but adopt and accept themselves, and do whatever the hell they feel like at the moment – now that’s dominating life and society’s nonsense in my opinion. Consequently, over the years, I have become more and more inspired to free myself of “role bondage” by these marvelous and powerful creatures who had no shackles to bare.

Is Mastery outside of Kink the same as Mastery in Kink?
In martial arts, a master has a long history of enduring pain, the physical pain when struck and the emotional pain of defeat when bested by their master over and over again. I know of no masters in martial arts who only kick others and never receive a kick themselves. And if you have a traditional martial arts training experience, you’re basically a slave without the sex and play.
In naval traditions, masters of a ship had to start out as midshipmen. They endured the humiliation and challenge of recruit training and service on a ship before becoming a master of their own ship.
The examples go on and on.

So that begs the question…why is being a master in kink any different?

The simple answer: It really isn’t. Why?

To top or bottom is more of an act than a role, like being a punching bag for your martial arts master and fellow students. However, many act as though both top and bottom are roles that bind because they think everyone else believes acts define us as human beings, when acts actually enrich us – and heaven forbid others think of us as not conforming to those standards in kink that keep us cool, palatable and acceptable.

What really happens is that the roles obfuscate the need for knowledge and awareness so as it cannot be obtained by a shackled mind. If you must have a role, I feel the best role in kink is “perpetual student” and when your white flogger has turned black over the years, you’ve become a master.

Effects of the Roles that Bind
I have met many who identify as one role and act outside of that role with guilt, turmoil, or shame. We would have a stronger community if we supported, not judged or exiled, other kinkysexuals who venture out beyond their initial programming no matter where it takes them in kink.

Conclusion
Again, if you’re happy and smiling in your role, keep up the good work. This is for those who are expanding beyond their initial roles and feel bad about it.

I’m not saying that there is no one who is a total slave in kink. I’m saying that if you suspect a role is what’s keeping you in a holding pattern, it’s time to ask yourself – “why isn’t kink making me smile anymore?”

We are human, which means we can be more than roles if we choose. There is not one right way, but many. Consequently, roles can sometimes fool us into thinking there is “one way” to be and “one way” to experience kink.

We need freedom to be human and environments that stifle freedom only hinder our evolution and growth towards a more loving and compassionate community. I hope this article adds to an environment of acceptance of those who are hard to accept by others and themselves.

*As for social masters in the communities out there who were covered because of their service to their community, that’s a whole other animal and not what I am addressing here. I know plenty of covered masters who get down in all sorts of ways according to what turns them on – and that’s awesome in my book.

Since his introduction into the BDSM lifestyle in the early 90s, the “Kinkstar” Simon Blaise has shared his passion for BDSM with the world as an international presenter at BDSM/Leather events across the globe for the last 8 years. As an attorney, he has provided probono legal services to members of the BDSM, Leather and LGBT communities for the last 10 years. As a transgender person who lives equally as both a male and a female, he hopes to pave the way for others in our community to feel more comfortable about living authentically and openly. You can learn more about him here.

Do you agree that a switch is more of a master of BDSM than a master? Have your say below…

It’s ok to be dominant

September 27, 2015 By Jenn Masri 2 Comments

Defining “D-type”: general term I use to encompass those that identify as a Dominant, Master, Mistress, Goddess, Trainer, Top, Owner, Daddy/Mommy, etc.

D-types in the BDSM community are those that hold the power or control that their s-type surrenders, or yields, to them. Why would someone want to assume this great responsibility? The answers will vary depending on who you talk to. People are drawn to this roll for a variety of reasons. Some reasons may include a desire to maintain control, power, or decision making for another, wanting to provide structure or discipline, bestow a sense of safety and care taking, and/or seeking service from another.

Where does Dominance come from? Why are some people naturally this way or seek this role in relationships? Again, just as with s-types, not all paths or reasons are healthy. Many are quite healthy. There are complex layers that turn us toward certain partners in life, vanilla or kinky. It may be that it is an extension of how they were raised. Messages like, “A man is the head of the household.” or “A strong woman is independant and shouldn’t be controlled.” could contribute to someone being a D-type. It could also be that they grew up with chaos or feel a lack of control in many aspects of their life (i.e., answering to a boss, etc) and so taking consensual control within their relationship is empowering.

One complaint about 50 Shades of Gray is that the books portray the main character, a D-type, as a man who has found this dynamic as a result of childhood abuse. While this may be true for some kinksters, both s and D-types, it is certainly not true for many – if not most. It’s unfortunate that this popular piece of fiction has perpetuated negative stereotypes.
There are many messages, that D-types may hear from folks around them and pieces like 50 shades.

“You’re just a control freak.”
“You are a predator that wants to take advantage and use other people.”
“You need to control your partner? You must be insecure or overcompensating for attributes you lack.”
“You’re an asshole/bitch.”

Or worse yet, you hear these types of messages from your vanilla partners before realizing that it’s OK to be a D-type. This is where I want to tell you about an ex of mine because her story is a perfect example of someone being naturally inclined towards Dominance, yet suppressing it due to external negative messages.

When I met *Lisa she claimed to be “the most vanilla person you’ll ever meet”. So why did I pursue a relationship with her? I don’t know, perhaps I saw that as a challenge or maybe it was her punny sense of humor. That part doesn’t matter. What matters is the part where I started introducing her to the kink scene. I started with munches, then slowly introducing her to my friends, and eventually taking her to parties. It was a whole new world and experience for her but after the initial shock wore off she was starting to have fun. We began to introduce more kinky play into our dynamic and she was taking lessons and tips from so many wonderful people that embraced her. As our relationship continued I started to encourage her to take the lead with decisions and making demands. I showed her through my response that not only did I not fight her on these things, I actually thrived in following her lead and supporting her commands.

At first it was difficult for her and we would discuss why. Turns out she had some fairly strong Dominant traits all her life, yet when she would act upon them in her vanilla relationships, her girlfriends did not appreciate those traits at all. They wanted to be equal and it would turn into a power struggle as opposed to a power exchange. After enough of these experiences within failed relationships she ended up suppressing these Dominant traits. She was attempting to maintain the peace when her partners would accuse her of being “too controlling”. Her natural Dominant tendencies became “wrong” and “bad”.
So there I was – opening her eyes to a whole world where people thrive with the structure she was attempting to suppress. She was experiencing a relationship with me, who not only accepted, but encouraged her Dominant side. She was finally able to accept and cherish parts of herself that she had grown to villainize.
She learned that it is OK to be a D-type.

Something I say in my classes is, “the D in D-type should NOT stand for Douche-bag”. It should stand for Dominant and represent someone who comes from a place of confidence and security. Someone who can be trusted and someone with integrity.
Dominance in and of itself is not a bad thing. It’s when people use it in a harmful or irresponsible way that leads to abuse (emotional, physical, or psychological) or intentional/unintentional harm. If you are Dominant take responsibility for how you express that Dominance. There are many s-types out there that thrive on and crave what you have to offer. It is your responsibility to understand what you are offering, continue to grow and learn, take classes, join discussion groups, read more articles, etc. Don’t take advantage of your role and use it to control your s-type in an unhealthy way. Part of your responsibilities as a D-type and as a partner is to support your s-type in reaching their full potential. Know and accept your Dominance, embrace it, and use it for good.

*Actual name not used

BDSM – Where do I begin? Part 1

September 14, 2015 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

The most frequent question I am asked is “where do I begin?” Rather than just copy the “Fifty Shades of Grey” template – after all, few of you have a helicopter – let’s give you real BDSM. Minus the helicopter!

So, where exactly do you start? You start online. Everyone is a beginner once, and almost all people get into D/s and BDSM via the Internet. Even the invitations to the BDSM clubs and parties are given out over the Internet. And where on the Internet should you begin? Well that answer, too, is a simple one – right here! You are in the right place at the right time!

Some of you are members of fetlife.com. Others among you have been to other BDSM-D/s sites. Some of you want to immerse yourself in BDSM and D/s and get serious about it as a total lifestyle – while others among you may want merely to be a part time player. Many of you may have seen bondage pictures and videos here and elsewhere and say, “How do I get my girlfriend or boyfriend to do that?” It is a process; we will outline it here within the next issues of Kink Weekly.

Every city (or almost every one) has a BDSM club. These are great places to observe other lifestylers in action. Most are very welcoming and have orientation tours. We will list those clubs here in future issues, but for now you can find these clubs on the Internet – often they have twitter handles. But before you set foot in any club, I would recommend you know the terms. Language is everything.

So, let’s define the terms of this lifestyle.

Aftercare – After a BDSM scene, particularly a demanding one, the Top should make sure the bottom is OK and is returned to normal from his/her high endorphin level (often called “subspace”) that BDSM scenes often cause.

BDSM – A popular acronym for activities inclusive of (but not limited to) Bondage, Domination/Discipline Submission/Sadism & Masochism. Also called WIITWD, an acronym for “What It Is That We Do.” Both mean this type of alternative lifestyle. Sometimes the word “Bondage” has the same broad range meaning when used in a descriptive context.

B&D – Bondage and Discipline. Although they go together in this phrase, they are not inextricably linked. Bondage means restraining someone in a helpless position
(such as being tied up.) Discipline is training a person to behave in a certain way. They tend to go together because Dominants tend to do both to their submissives.

Bondage – making a submissive physically helpless and to a great extent immobilized. Techniques include rope ties, handcuffs, leather cuffs, stocks and mummification.

Bondage Clubs – Private clubs where lifestylers meet and play. Usually filled with equipment such as the St. Andrews Cross and spanking benches, these are great places to not only play, but learn by observing others do their scenes.

Bottom – A submissive. Also can be called a slave. As there are many who say there are differences between these terms, I will cover that debate in future columns.

Cane – A wooden, plastic or graphite stalk used in BDSM play. It can hurt, so use carefully.

Consensuality Agreement – The somewhat infrequent agreement that a Top requires a bottom to sign before play. This is usually executed in private play where the bottom is a newbie and an experienced Top does not wish to risk the bottom claiming, at some later date, that the scene was non-consensual. Although not legally binding, it does prevent misunderstandings and provides limited legal protection. We will offer some “Consensuality Agreements” in future articles here in Kink Weekly.

D/s – Dominance and submission. A more specific term than BDSM (although D/s is contained within BDSM).

Discipline – Punishing, spanking, verbal orders, etc. for the purpose of training a submissive.

Dominant – (Female: Domme.) Also called a Dom, a Top, a Master or a Mistress. One who controls a bottom, slave or submissive. Again, the differences between these terms – if there are any – will be covered in future Kink Weekly editions.

Dominatrix – A Domme; although it implies being a professional.

Domme – A female Dominant. Also called a Dominatrix.

Edgeplay – Technically, this refers to knife play. But it has come to mean anything “on the edge.” It can even include fisting, asphyxia, play piercings, needle play, caning, etc. Since one person’s edge can be another’s norm, there are no hard and fast rules defining what “edgeplay” is.

Flogger – One of the most popular BDSM toys. It is made up of a handle and several leather straps which are attached to it. It can be used to whip or to caress.

Furniture – Slang for large pieces of equipment, usually at BDSM clubs. This includes, but not limited to, the legendary St. Andrews Cross, spanking benches, cages and a myriad of bondage equipment.

High Protocol – A D/s relationship wherein the rules are both demanding and encompassing. If it is practiced most of the time outside of play or clubs, it is often referred to as “24/7” – although with jobs, family and other real life considerations, it is doubtful anything can literally be 24/7!

Lifestylers – Slang for those in the BDSM lifestyle – whether weekend warriors or 24/7 players.

Limit – The point beyond which a submissive does not allow the Dominant to go; usually stated before play. It can be a “soft limit,” which can change over time. Or a “hard limit,” which is more or less written in stone. For example, a submissive might say, “Nipple clamps are my soft limit.” Or, “Knife play is my hard limit.”

Negotiation – Discussing hard and soft limits and related items of BDSM taste before any play or relationship begins. Often refers to discussions regarding a potential “slave contract.”

Newbie – someone new to the BDSM lifestyle.

Masochist – One who derives pleasure from pain.

Master/Mistress – A skilled Top. This is best explained in “What Is A Master?” which will appear in an upcoming edition of Kink Weekly.

Mummification – Using saran wrap to immobilize the bottom. Often performed in public play as it can be visually stunning.

S&M – Sadism and masochism. This is an alternative term that used to describe the BDSM scene. Gradually it is being replaced with the broader ranging acronym BDSM.

Sadist – An individual who enjoys causing pain. The term dates back to the Marquis de Sade.

Sadomasochism – The taking of pleasure, often sexual gratification, from the consensual interactions between a “sadist” and a “masochist.”

Safe, Sane and Consensual – A popular slogan in the BDSM world meaning that play should always be safe and sane, with good judgment exercised. And, most importantly, it MUST be consensual.

Safe word – A word or phrase a submissive can use to stop his or her scene. It is absolute. If a Dominant disregards a submissive’s safe word, that Dominant is considered “unsafe.” The most common safe word – even in Fifty Shades — is “RED!”
Sometimes the word “YELLOW” is agreed to which means “slow done a bit.”

Scene – A BDSM session. Sometimes refers to a “public scene” at a party where the participants let others watch.

Slave – A term used interchangeably with “submissive.” Some consider a slave a more extreme version of a submissive. This will be discussed in a future article, “Slave vs. submissive.” Check back soon.

Slave contract – A signed consensual contract, wherein a submissive or slave cedes to the Dom or Master a specified set of powers over her for a set period of time. Although legally unenforceable, it is still a powerful document in the BDSM community.

Submissive – An individual who consents to give up power to a Dominant. This can be for any duration – for an hour or a lifetime. Also called a sub, bottom or slave. Again, differences between these terms will be covered right here in future articles.

Subspace – A high endorphin state that a bottom often enters into when a skilled Dominant executes a good BDSM scene.

Torture – Not literal torture, but any type of pain inflicted by the Top on a bottom. Examples: tickle torture, clothespin play, nipple clamps, et. al.

Toys – Slang for portable BDSM equipment – usually contained in a “toy bag.”

Vanilla – People not in the BDSM lifestyle.

Violet Wand – Pricey electrical kink stimulation BDSM toys using the application of low current, high voltage electricity to the body. Like mummification, it is visually exciting and often used in public play.

Now that we have most of the definitions down (and contact me if there are any I have overlooked), let’s go on to the next steps – which are contained in “Where Do I Begin, Part 2” – right here on Kink Weekly next week!

by BAADMASTER
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit Internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are please to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

BDSM guide: Where do I Begin – Kink Weekly

Terminology

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