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Managing Multiple Subs

April 24, 2021 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

two sexy submissives in gas masks — via stock.adobe.com

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!

A couple of days ago, I was asked a question regarding managing the problems of having multiple subs who serve you at the same time. As my readers know, I’m not talking about multiple play partners, but rather, multiple partners who are striving to fulfill my expectations, desires, and preferences.

The question was how I avoid the problems of multiple partners, particularly in the area of sexuality – how I manage intimacy with different subs. The person asking was having trouble rationalizing multiple partners and how to split your time, attention, and commitment between them.

This person was seeing all sorts of problems with treating all subs “equally”, yet having some who are closer than others, and what that does to them in terms of jealousy and competition.

This became yet another excellent use of the “layers” concepts (rather than rehash that here, I refer you to my books, fetlife, or other articles that discuss the layers analogy). Bottom line, the way I look at power dynamics simplifies these questions. The layers concept views D/s relationships as relationships (of some sort) to which we’ve added a power dynamic. I currently have D/s relationships with 4 people. All of them are dedicated to serving me in whatever way I define their submission. They’re all my submissives and the power dynamic with all of them is very similar.

However, their underlying relationships are very different: One is my husband, one is the husband of a close friend, one is basically my lawyer and the fourth is a friend, turned business associate.

Naturally, the relationship I have with my husband is very different than those I have with the other 3 – however, it’s not because of a difference in the power dynamic (or their intent within the power dynamic) – it’s due to differences in the underlying relationship type. Clearly, one doesn’t feel the same way about a friend than they do about a spouse – with or without a power dynamic! You trust your spouse more than your lawyer (lawyer jokes aside). You communicate better with your business partner than the husband of a friend (you hope).

Resolving the Paradoxes

The way the person had asked the question conflated relationship-level attributes with power dynamic level attributes and hence, they were having trouble resolving the paradoxes: How can you have the same type of power dynamic with someone you love versus a friend? How does your spouse have more privilege than your friend without jealousy?

For me, it’s simple: I have relatively equal power dynamics with very different types of relationships…and therefore the blended whole of each relationship is very different. But from the perspective of the power dynamics – how they serve me – their intent – the rules they live by — those things are nearly identical.

The question about sexuality is moot when considered within the context of this separation: Sex is something that (at least for me) depends on the underlying relationship type. Whether I am sexual with someone has nothing to do with their service to me, it has to do with the type of underlying relationship we have.

If you’re not the type to have sex with the husband of a friend, or your lawyer, or your business associate, then you’re not going to have sex with them if they’re your submissive! So, I don’t have sex with those submissives. I do, however, have sex with my husband. The fact that they’re all my submissives doesn’t change that…because it’s not the power layer that defines the sexual component of our overall relationships.

The other subs understand this separation – they don’t feel jealousy because they understand that, while they are equals when it comes to submission, they are not on equal footing in the underlying relationship. They don’t EXPECT to have that type of intimacy, because theirs is not that type of relationship.

The Team Approach

When it comes to managing the submission of multiple partners, the number one rule is that they operate as a team: My submissives comprise “Team Rika”. The overall success of Team Rika is my happiness – how well the overall team serves me. It has nothing to do with the relative position or performance of any particular team member. Each team member brings their strengths to the team and together they fill in each other’s weaknesses. They work together to be the best team they can be. They can only succeed together.

I have a couple of rules of thumb that govern this team, which help to eliminate jealousy and competition – both of which are poison to a multiple-partner dynamic:

1) I segment the areas of their focus. I don’t assign two submissives the same area of my life. If one sub manages the kitchen, another one manages transportation, another will manage wardrobe, another will manage the garden, etc. This keeps them out of each other’s hair and avoids two of them trying to serve me in the same space.

2) Competition is the enemy of good teamwork. A lot of folks believe that you get the best out of a person when you make them compete. This is true for the performance of an individual, but I don’t believe it’s the best solution for a team. The focus of each team member must be the performance of the team, not their particular performance.

3) Due to #2, a sub who is competitive has lost sight of the ultimate goal of the team, and will no longer be allowed to serve. They will be given opportunity to change their ways, but ultimately, if I feel they are continuing to act in a counter-productive manner to the benefit of the team, I will remove them from the team – no matter what they’re bringing in terms of individual performance. The health of the team is far more important than any one person. I have luckily only had to do this once in almost 30 years.

4) I don’t show favorites. As I already discussed, the underlying relationship types factor into the overall relationship and how I treat that partner, however, as far as the power dynamic is concerned, everyone is held to the same standard. Everyone is expected to strive to fulfill their commitment to the dynamic. I provide equal assessment and feedback, simple gifts, clear communications of my expectations, recognition, and active attention.

5) Tattling is a big ‘no-no’. I’m not interested in individual guilt or assignment of blame. The team succeeds or fails together. The team needs to work within itself to grow. They need to help each other and correct each other. They share a common objective and if they keep their focus on that objective, they will help each other work through their differences and insecurities. Personal goals are most visible when you take your eye off the team’s goals. It’s fine to want yourself to succeed, but if that surpasses your focus on the objective of the team, you’re priorities are out of alignment.

Wrap up

This is not an easy thing to manage multiple submissives, however, it is very doable when you understand the forces at play. As the dominant, you need to be clear as to your expectations – not only regarding how they serve you, but also their responsibilities to each other. When a team is functioning well, it feels effortless. If you find yourself resolving conflicts, managing egos, reassuring insecurities – then something is amiss within your team and you need to snuff it as quickly as possible. Determine the root cause and if you can’t remediate it, eliminate it. Your team will serve you well – and a well functioning team will serve you better than any one person can.

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Do You Need to Earn the Right to Submit?

April 10, 2021 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

sexy power exchange couple, submissive blindfolded — via stock.adobe.com

I got a note this morning from a dominant friend of mine, sharing the frustrations she, and many dominant women, have when taking on new subs. Her question was whether subs should have to prove themselves to be worthy of being allowed to submit, or be put in a position of submission and then prove their ability within the role.

From my days in management (outside of D/s dynamics), I can tell you that, most of the time, people prove their ability to do a higher-level job before they’re assigned to it. It is a much less frequent practice to give someone a “chance to succeed” at a position. It’s done…but not nearly as often. This is usually because positions are often coveted and highly competitive and there’s no need to take the risk associated with having the wrong person in a position of responsibility.

If I take the analogy back to D/s dynamics, the reasons for qualifying an individual before allowing them to submit to you, boil down to the risks associated with them not being able to perform as expected. What are the risks associated with taking a chance on a submissive?

The risks boil down to the amount of work that will end up on the dominant. The downside puts the dominant to the task of identifying flaws in the sub’s efforts, determining how to communicate and correct them, and then following up to make sure the corrections are made. Even worse, they may find themselves needing to “motivate” the submissive…to create the energy to get them to serve. They can easily then lose confidence that the submissive will perform other tasks to the level of performance that’s acceptable and need to make constant judgements regarding whether to trust a submissive with a particular task, or not.

As those of you who have read my books and other posts and essays know, I’m a firm believer that having a submissive makes my life EASIER. If having a submissive makes my life more complicated, gives me less time to do what I want to do, or forces me to do things I don’t want to do, then something is very wrong.

My friend brought up the point that often submissives want to be given the position and then be ‘trained’. The whole “Training” thing is something I’m particularly against. I don’t train my submissives, but I do educate them. I want them to understand my preferences and expectations and to internalize them, so that they become their own. When they act, they act in concert with fulfilling those expectations.

A quick web lookup on the differences between training and educating highlights this well:

Training refers to an act of inculcating specific skills in a person. Education is all about gaining theoretical knowledge in the classroom or any institution. Training is a way to develop specific skills, whereas education is a typical system of learning.

I am all for communicating to a submissive and teaching them general terms of how to be my submissive, but I’m not interested training them like an animal. The skills they need to serve me, they either come to the table with – or are able to develop based on their understanding of the objective and their ability to learn.

So, no…I’m not going to pick a submissive and try to train them to serve me. They’re going to have opportunity to prove they’re a good learner and have the ability to apply general principles to develop specific skills.

Does a prospective submissive possess the intelligence, empathy, awareness, self-awareness, dedication, and energy needed to be good at it? That seems to me to be an awful lot to expect to just blossom in front of you. Sure, it’s possible – but are you willing to put up with the effort required to discover it can’t?

For me, I would rather get to know a prospective submissive before allowing them to submit to me. During that time, I’m assessing a lot about their personality, their real interests, their ability to be dominant-centric, and their intelligence. I’m qualifying them to be a submissive, not based on any particular skill, but rather based on the qualities that make learning happen. Are they going to be a good student? Are they driven by a passion to serve? Are they going to be able to exhibit the self-control to maintain their dedication – without burdening me with the need to force, or enforce, it?

Therefore, from my viewpoint, you don’t get to submit and then prove you can do it. You also don’t prove you can submit – you exhibit your natural abilities to learn and adapt and you exhibit your internal desire to serve. You show me why, in particular, you want to serve ME – and not just any woman. Then, I can feel comfortable with the discussion that leads to your submission.

I would love to hear your opinions!

Topspace

February 8, 2016 By Jenn Masri 12 Comments

Subspace. We’ve all heard of it and some of us have experienced it. If you are unfamiliar with what it is I highly suggest you read my article about it here on Kink Weekly. However, I get asked in class when I speak to subspace if there is an equivalent for D-types. Yes, there is such a thing as Topspace or Dom(me)space. However, this is something you hear much less about. Not only do you hear less about it, but it also seems to occur less often than subspace. Why is that? I have a theory.

This theory is my own personal opinion based on what I know of subspace and having experienced Topping. Have I gone out and researched it? Nope. Have I interviewed 100 D-types about it looking for common threads? Nope. So take this for what it’s worth and, if you’re really interested, do more research. If you do, and find more interesting tidbits – please leave them in the comment section below!

Ok, so let’s use subspace as a starting point. In general, subspace refers to an s-type’s reaction to various chemicals being released in their system. The closest vanilla activity I can compare it to is a runner’s high. In both scenarios the individual is pushing past, or through, a painful sensation – allowing the aforementioned chemicals (adrenaline, endorphins, etc.) to kick in. These chemicals give a natural high feeling and increase pain tolerance. If you have experienced either you know that you also have to allow yourself to relax into, or give into this chemical change in your body in order to feel the full effects. As I mentioned in my previous article about subspace, everyone experiences it differently.

So with that subspace refresher, here is why I think Topspace is more difficult for people to achieve. When you’re Topping you are focused on numerous things – where you want the scene to go, how your bottom is doing, which implement you’re using, your aim, your surroundings, etc. When you are that focused and “in your head”, it is much more difficult to let go, or “give in”, to the chemicals being released. You may still have endorphins and adrenaline pumping through your system however, there is a huge psychological component to achieving Topspace. For a runner if all you keep focusing on are the components of running – how tight your shoes are, worry about a lace coming undone, the pain in your right knee, concern about which direction you’re headed or if you’ll become lost on your trail, etc – you won’t ever allow yourself to get out of your head and give in to that runner’s high. The act of running has to become second nature so that you aren’t thinking about it anymore. That’s when you can start to “fly”, so to speak.

This is why I typically hear of D-types who have a lot of experience speaking of getting “spacey”. They have enough experience to where what they are doing is second nature. Flogging, spanking, or whatever they love just comes naturally and they don’t have to think very much about what they’re doing. They can let go and allow those chemicals to take over and feel all floaty after a scene just like s-types.

I think it takes a long time, and/or a lot of experience to get to the point that a D-type can get there, for their play to really become second nature – which is why we hear of it less often than subspace. It’s like getting in your car and arriving home, not remembering the drive. Because driving and your route home have become something you no longer have to consciously think about. Once a Top can say that about their play, they are much more likely to experience Topspace.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

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