Most discussions about “trust” in our lifestyle concentrate on the trust a submissive accords the Dom/me. Granted that allowing yourself to be tied up, ball-gagged and caned requires a tremendous amount of trust on the bottom’s part. In last week’s article on this subject, “Trust: the sub’s point of view,” we addressed these very concerns. But, does trust also flow in the other direction? In my opinion, it must. Yet, this is a subject that is rarely discussed. Until now.
So, let’s examine some areas of trust the Dom/me should be aware of. This is far from a complete list; but it should be a good starting off point.
The Dom/me trusts that the sub accurately portrays her/himself. If the sub, for example, claims to be a pain slut, should the Dom/me be trusting enough to take this at face value? My take is that the Dom/me should probe deeply and find out exactly what the sub means. One person’s pain slut is another’s light player. Of course, even if you discuss her play style in great detail, you still must trust him/her to communicate accurately. There is no foolproof way to establish that the submissive is being honest or not. Still, the Dom/me should try to get the best picture of the sub one possibly can.
Is the sub totally open with you? This is especially important if you are contemplating a relationship with the sub. Does the submissive avoid certain questions or shade the truth? Does he/she address your concerns in a straightforward manner? This is less a D/s question than an interpersonal one. But, if you are thinking about collaring a sub, you must trust him/her — in this area especially.
The Dom/me trusts the sub will use the safe word if he/she feels the scene should end. Of course, the Dominant should not solely rely on the safe word to alert him that the scene should be stopped. He/she must be aware of what is happening. But, trust does flow both ways and it is incumbent upon the sub to safe if the scene has gone past his/her limits; the Dom/me must trust that this is the case.
Did the sub lie to you at any time? This is pretty basic stuff. And almost identical to the advice I gave to the subs. But, one must be super-vigilant at the beginning. I am not saying, “One strike and you’re out!” There can be extenuating circumstances or the lie might be a forgivable one (at the option of the lie-ee.) Honesty is the foundation of trust. And this goes for not only the sub, but also for the Dom/me.
The Dom/me trusts the submissive will accurately relate the scene to his/her friends. This is the big one – and is advice that is worth a million bucks. (I exaggerate; but a million bucks ain’t worth what it used to be!) There are innumerable stories where a Dom/me plays with a sub and then the submissive talks trash about the Top to friends. I have personally seen the words “unsafe player” used in such situations – even when the play was rather benign by all accounts. The Dom/me’s reputation is something that should be guarded zealously. Thus, if you have any doubts about your play partner in this area, I recommend that you scene publicly in order to have witnesses. This is not being paranoid; it is, I think, being careful. Because in this brave new world where charges of sexual-harassment abound, better safe than sorry. After some public play, and after some more interpersonal trust is established both ways, you can take it private.
Add this clause to your slave contract. If you are going to negotiate a “slave contract,” you might do well to add a clause something like this: “The slave hereby reaffirms that he/she has entered into this agreement voluntarily and all interactions performed here are completely consensual.” Trust is best when written out! Such is life in the year 2018! (This has been covered in greater detail in my previous Kink Weekly article, “Slave Contracts v. 2017”
The Dominant should keep these six principles in mind. We should never overlook that trust is a two-way street — even if one rarely hears that in BDSM discourse. Let us not forget this fact.
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.