trust

TRUST: The Dom/me’s Point of View

February 26, 2018 By Baadmaster 5 Comments

Most discussions about “trust” in our lifestyle concentrate on the trust a submissive accords the Dom/me. Granted that allowing yourself to be tied up, ball-gagged and caned requires a tremendous amount of trust on the bottom’s part. In last week’s article on this subject, “Trust: the sub’s point of view,” we addressed these very concerns. But, does trust also flow in the other direction? In my opinion, it must. Yet, this is a subject that is rarely discussed. Until now.

So, let’s examine some areas of trust the Dom/me should be aware of. This is far from a complete list; but it should be a good starting off point.

The Dom/me trusts that the sub accurately portrays her/himself. If the sub, for example, claims to be a pain slut, should the Dom/me be trusting enough to take this at face value? My take is that the Dom/me should probe deeply and find out exactly what the sub means. One person’s pain slut is another’s light player. Of course, even if you discuss her play style in great detail, you still must trust him/her to communicate accurately. There is no foolproof way to establish that the submissive is being honest or not. Still, the Dom/me should try to get the best picture of the sub one possibly can.

Is the sub totally open with you? This is especially important if you are contemplating a relationship with the sub. Does the submissive avoid certain questions or shade the truth? Does he/she address your concerns in a straightforward manner? This is less a D/s question than an interpersonal one. But, if you are thinking about collaring a sub, you must trust him/her — in this area especially.

The Dom/me trusts the sub will use the safe word if he/she feels the scene should end. Of course, the Dominant should not solely rely on the safe word to alert him that the scene should be stopped. He/she must be aware of what is happening. But, trust does flow both ways and it is incumbent upon the sub to safe if the scene has gone past his/her limits; the Dom/me must trust that this is the case.

Did the sub lie to you at any time? This is pretty basic stuff. And almost identical to the advice I gave to the subs. But, one must be super-vigilant at the beginning. I am not saying, “One strike and you’re out!” There can be extenuating circumstances or the lie might be a forgivable one (at the option of the lie-ee.) Honesty is the foundation of trust. And this goes for not only the sub, but also for the Dom/me.

The Dom/me trusts the submissive will accurately relate the scene to his/her friends. This is the big one – and is advice that is worth a million bucks. (I exaggerate; but a million bucks ain’t worth what it used to be!) There are innumerable stories where a Dom/me plays with a sub and then the submissive talks trash about the Top to friends. I have personally seen the words “unsafe player” used in such situations – even when the play was rather benign by all accounts. The Dom/me’s reputation is something that should be guarded zealously. Thus, if you have any doubts about your play partner in this area, I recommend that you scene publicly in order to have witnesses. This is not being paranoid; it is, I think, being careful. Because in this brave new world where charges of sexual-harassment abound, better safe than sorry. After some public play, and after some more interpersonal trust is established both ways, you can take it private.

Add this clause to your slave contract. If you are going to negotiate a “slave contract,” you might do well to add a clause something like this: “The slave hereby reaffirms that he/she has entered into this agreement voluntarily and all interactions performed here are completely consensual.” Trust is best when written out! Such is life in the year 2018! (This has been covered in greater detail in my previous Kink Weekly article, “Slave Contracts v. 2017”

The Dominant should keep these six principles in mind. We should never overlook that trust is a two-way street — even if one rarely hears that in BDSM discourse. Let us not forget this fact.

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

TRUST: The Sub’s Point of View

February 19, 2018 By Baadmaster 8 Comments

When you first enter the BDSM lifestyle, you invariably hear the word “trust” mentioned a lot. Obviously, once you consent to being tied up, you must trust your dominant. In a D/s relationship, you trust that his/her decisions will be, on balance, good ones. If others are involved in play situations, you trust that your Master tells you the truth with respect to any additional partners. Thus, the statement that “D/s is based on trust” has a lot of truth within it.

In our lifestyle, and in interpersonal relationships in general, trust is one of the hardest things to judge. “Can I trust him/her?” is a tough question to answer. In a society where people meet total strangers online, with few personal references, it is hard to know whom to trust. Can examining different aspects of “trust” shed some light on how to evaluate a potential dominant? Let’s give it a try.

As I see it, there are two kinds of trust. The first type is what I term “scening trust.” The beauty of BDSM play is that it sets up an objective way to evaluate this area of trust. After a few scenes, or even just one, you can assess the “trust level” of just about anyDom/me by answering the following questions.

Is the Dom/me as skillful as he/she first claimed to be? Did the dominant exaggerate his/her skill level? Did he/she answer your pre-scening questions truthfully? Were there any “truth” red flags? This is not only a question to determine how well suited a dominant is to you, but it also answers questions about his/her basic integrity.

Did the Dominant allow a safe word? I personally believe that some rare couples can eventually dispense with a safe word – but only after they know how they play. But, if a dominant categorically refuses to allow the use of a safe word in your initial scenes, trust is then a major issue.

Did the Dom/me stop immediately upon hearing your safe word? If the answer is “no,” trust can be totally killed.

Was the Dom/me interested in your well-being? Was he/she totally self-indulgent even at the peril of safety? Did he/she give you aftercare?

Did the Dom/me exude an aura of competence that made you feel safe? When the play gets more edgy – such as needle play — the level of requisite trust escalates. Do you trust him to keep you safe in all play situations?

It is fairly easy to evaluate a Dom/me when you are using scene standards. If your answers to the five questions are all positive ones, you are off to a good start. And, if your situation is a play-only deal, you can just evaluate trust from strictly scening point of view.

It is in the area of emotional trust that the lines often become blurred.

What makes an “unsafe emotional player” is a totally subjective call. Yet, this is as important a criterion as “scene trust.” After all, physical damage (unless severe) heals faster than psychic damage. In the emotional trust area, I propose five more questions that must be answered before you can totally trust a potential Dom/me.

Did the Dom/me lie to you at any time? This is pretty basic stuff. But, one must be super-vigilant at the beginning. I am not saying, “One strike and you’re out!” There can be extenuating circumstances or the lie might be a forgivable one (at the option of the lie-ee.) But, honesty is the foundation of trust.

Is the Dom/me as consistent in real life as he/she is during play? It is important that the qualities that the Dom/me brings to play – concern for your welfare, competence, consistency – are brought to the day-to-day aspects of your relationship.

Did the Dom/me bum-rush you with an “insta-collar?” This can be fun; I am open-minded. But, it not the most effective way to establish trust which, like it or not, is built up over time.

Is the Dom/me totally open with you? Does the dominant avoid certain questions or shade the truth? Does he/she address your concerns in a straightforward manner?

Does the Dom/me make any demands that seem unreasonable? If the first thing a potential dominant says is, “Give me your paycheck,” “Slaves have no property” or something similar right off the bat, you can bet establishing trust is not his/her first priority. This is especially important if one is playing the Fin Domme game – make sure the Domme is reasonable and is not looking to leave you homeless and penniless.

If you break down trust in this two-part way – play trust and emotional trust – you can evaluate your potential dominant’s “trust factor” in a more objective way. In this way, you can protect your body and your psyche!

Trust in D/s Relationships

October 16, 2017 By slave_bunny 2 Comments

There are some people out there that think that being a submissive means that we will do anything a dominant says. But that is clearly not the case.

Submission is not given lightly, and it usually is only given to those that are deserving of that submission. The key ingredient that makes a submissive willing to give himself or herself over to a Dom in any capacity is trust. Why would we hand over any aspect of ourselves if we don’t feel that person has our best interest in mind? Why would we give ourselves over to someone that we don’t know for a fact is worthy of our service?

Because trust takes time to build, as time goes on, the sub becomes more devoted, service becomes better, and the Dom feels more comfortable bestowing more responsibility to the sub.

My Master and I started dating as a vanilla couple. To be honest, even though I knew I loved my Master very early on in our relationship, I would not have agreed to be his slave right off the bat.

I feel it’s a good idea to learn everything there is about your partner-what their preferences are, what their expectations are, what their lifestyle entails, who they hang out with, their daily routine, how they are going to treat you long term, their priorities in life, what their core values are, what kind of person they are- before jumping into any kind of power exchange dynamic.

Although doing a scene with someone calls for a high level of trust, becoming involved in a power exchange relationship requires a much deeper level due to the relationship/dynamic often extending outside of the dungeon and bedroom. For this type of relationship to be successful, you must be on the same page about so many things, and you need to know your partner inside and out.

A submissive needs to know that the Dom will be consistent, healthy, and respectful. A submissive should never worry about their Dom’s decisions or ability to make decisions for them. The point of this kind of dynamic is for life to be enhanced, not more laced with worry and doubt.

Lack of trust will breed that doubt, and create many hardships within the dynamic. Truly knowing your partner is achieved by spending time together in kink and vanilla settings. It’s not a good idea to just know someone in one location or circumstance. You need to know your partner comprehensively. Ask yourself- How are they out to dinner? How are they in the dungeon? Do they ever contradict themselves? Has there been instances of dishonesty? Are they reliable, punctual, and consistent? Picking a sub or a Dom needs to be carefully thought out, and never done on a whim.

There must be trust towards the sub from the Dom as well. That’s the only way this kind of thing works.

The Dom needs to be able to trust that the sub will stick to the contracts/rules/protocols, be able to meet their needs/wants/expectations, and be able to honestly communicate.

Clearly, there are so many things one needs to know, from both the D and s side of the slash, before entering into a power exchange relationship.

Giving the relationship and trust time to develop will make the relationship that much more whole and fulfilling in the long run.

I came to my Master with a few hard and soft limits when we first got together. But over time, as trust grew and solidified, I retracted those hard and soft limits. And I knew it was only because of the time we put in to develop such a strong foundation between us. We now live by RACK rules (Risk Awareness Consensual Kink), which means that nothing is off the table. I fully trust my Master to make all decisions for me in and outside the bedroom.

I am in NO WAY saying that you shouldn’t start by playing with SSC rules (Safe, Sane, Consensual), have safewords, or have limits. I believe you SHOULD start out that way. But as time goes on, maybe you will change your original dynamic, once the submissive fully trusts their Dom and the Dom truly trusts their sub.

In short, trust is paramount for a successful power exchange relationship, which only can come about with time and learning as much as you can about your partner.

About the Author:

Slave Bunny, a 1950’s power slave, is involved in a wonderful and loving TPE 24/7 M/S relationship with her Master and husband. She is also the Creative Director of Kink Weekly.

She has dedicated her life to working on herself mentally, spiritually, and physically, and hopes to inspire others to do the same. Through teaching and mentoring, she hopes to help everyone in the Kink community as much as she can.

Feel free to add her on Fetlife (Slave_Bunny992) to see her upcoming workshops and classes.

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