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user submitted question

Bad Scene Blues

April 9, 2018 By Baadmaster 4 Comments

adult-black-and-white-blindfolded-731864

No, the title of this article is not a typo. I do not mean “Baad scene blues!” Instead, I am
addressing a problem described in a question that was sent to me:

“My long-time Dom and I had an intense play session recently… sensory
deprivation followed by some serious flogging and stuff. Though no single thing we
did crossed my hard limits, I was left feeling drained and kind of scared by the end.
He did his best to comfort me, but the dynamic between us was just bad. Now I
think we’re both kind of afraid to get back on the horse. What should we do?”

Although my answer is to this specific question, I think discussing the effects of a bad
scene is a problem many have encountered. And though the submissive who emailed me
this inquiry has a male Dom, my answer can just as easily be translated to a Domme
problem – bad scenes have no gender.

There are many key phrases in your question that give clues to the resolution of your
dilemma. The first is “long-time Dom.” Once you are with a partner for a while, it is
obvious that communication must be strong enough to maintain that relationship. So, any
threat to the basic foundation of your union, by virtue of one bad scene, should be minor
at best. There is little chance that your play problem will have catastrophic effects on
your D/s partnership. Take a load off your mind; your relationship is safe – at least from
the negative effects of this bad scene.

With this major concern out of the way, we can now tackle some technical issues that
your “bad scene” might have brought up. Hard limits. Crossing hard limits would be a
major issue in any Dom/sub play session. You have no problems here because none were
breached. By not crossing this boundary, your Dom avoided any major trust issues that
ignoring hard limits invariably bring up. Thus, this worry is also a non-issue. In fact, you
should give your Dom props for not even touching this area. He clearly is a safe and
considerate player and you should find this a source of great comfort. Up to this point,
taking your question in the order of your fears, the score is: your Dom two, your worries
zero!

Next, you state your scene was “sensory deprivation followed by some serious flogging
and stuff” and you felt “drained and kind of scared” by the end. Who wouldn’t? This is to
be expected in such a scene. It is obvious you were taken to places you were unfamiliar
with. By definition, going to new areas always comes with some risk. That is price of
admission when you explore the unexplored. Again, hats off to your Dom – a Dom who
clearly is willing to push soft limits and tries to make your play life “un-boring.” To this
point, his only mistake was not warning you that he was going past what you had been
accustomed to. But, that is a minor point.

Even post-scene, he provided aftercare – “he did his best to comfort me.” What he has
done, to this point, is well within any “how-to” BDSM guidelines. You might even say,
he has been going “by the book.” But just because one does BDSM perfectly does not
mean one can expect perfect results. We are dealing with human beings here.
Your Dom did everything correctly, yet “the dynamic between you was just bad.”
Situations like this happen all the time – and not just in BDSM. A pro basketball team
can execute their coach’s game plan perfectly yet lose. A political candidate can out-
debate his opponent and still not win. (I can think of one!) A skilled Dominant can cane
his submissive with precision and still not put him/her into subspace. Human activity is
imperfect.

If you understand that perfect actions do not always lead to perfect results, you can “get
back” on the horse again with little fear. Your Dom did everything correctly; he is a safe
player. Yet, for whatever reason, your scene didn’t work. Welcome to the real world. If I
had a dollar for every scene I have done that didn’t work out as planned, I would have a
fat wallet. But, for every scene that didn’t work out as designed, I usually attempted it
again and got it right.

There is a saying that is it not how many times you get knocked down that is the measure
of the person, but how many times you get up. You got knocked down. It is time to get
up.

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Tagged With: bdsm, dom, dominant, flogging, sensory deprevation, sub, submissive, user submitted question

A Golden Question

December 18, 2017 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

golden

As the year winds to a close, there are some things that stick out in my mind. One of them is the purported “golden showers” scene with Donald Trump and some Russians. Whether true or not, piss play has gone main stream in at least this one area. Since I cover all things “kink” for kinkweekly.com, this leads me to a question I received via email, which read:

“My Master wants me to drink his urine. He says that if I do, he will never doubt me. I didn’t think I’d given him reason to doubt me in the first place. Is this request normal? Is drinking urine harmful?”

Negotiations

In the first part of your question, you say that if you drink urine he will “never doubt you.” I think the question of doubt is a bigger issue than giving in to one specific demand. If he is pressuring you — by saying he will “never doubt you again” — to overcome a hard limit, he is not being very Masterly. (On the other hand, if you had told him drinking urine was a soft limit, he might rightly have a point. For by refusing to do so, you have made him question whether you were truthful in your negotiations.)

I cannot over-emphasize how important negotiations are when you start a Master/slave or Mistress/slave relationship. What is “normal” for one couple can be “out of bounds” for another. Serious misunderstandings can result from sloppy – or worse, a lack of – negotiations.

One of the romantic fantasies in D/s is the concept of sacrifice. In the famous “Story of O”, which inspired many of us, the slave shows her devotion to her Master by doing unusual sexual acts for him. I am sure “O” would never have listed any of these acts as hard limits. And while the excitement that both “O” and her Master get comes from the extremes of his demands and her accession to them, he would never have had to use “I will never doubt you again” as a way to get her to obey him.   

Is It a Hard Limit?

Drinking piss from your Master can be overwhelmingly erotic in the “O” tradition.  And it can demonstrate your willingness to please him and do things for him and only for him.  If it is not a hard limit of yours, once the health issues are settled to your satisfaction, you should do it without question. He should have no need to cajole you into it.

On the other hand, if it is a hard limit of yours, or you two did not negotiate this beforehand, then you must tell him now. He must be made aware it is a hard limit of yours. And he should act accordingly.

Many people list public humiliation as a hard limit. As the relationship evolves, the slave might be more receptive to a public degradation demand. Similarly, your Master should talk about hard limits from time to time as the relationship grows. Then he will know when the time is right to ask you. But changing hard limits cannot be as inelegant as saying “do it and I will never doubt you again.”

Is It Safe to Drink Urine?

As to the second part of your question, the safety issue, there is relatively little danger in water sports. Now what is “relatively little danger” you ask? That is debatable. But water sports do not, by definition, present the physical safety risk that breath play does. Or knife play. Or fire play.

But piss play is still a very extreme form of BDSM play; there can be serious elements of humiliation and other serious psychological aspects involved. Thus, as with all other play, it must be consensual. And the sub must have a safe word if he/she decides the play is too much to take – whether physically or mentally.

Since you say you never gave him reason to doubt you, your Master seems to be mixing arenas, so to speak. Trust is trust. Pushing a slave’s limits is part of it but only a small part. I would sit down and “re-negotiate” limits so you are both aware of where you stand. As I always point out, communication is the key to all D/s relationships

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Tagged With: golden shower, M/s, piss drinking, piss play, question, urine drinking, user submitted question, water sports

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