The question I get asked most often is how to keep a long-term (over ten years) BDSM relationship fresh and exciting. Since my current live-in situation has lasted for eight years, I am close enough to ten years to offer counsel. As with all advice, it should be filed under the category of “opinion.” That said, just talking about the subject can be enlightening – so let’s go!
Let’s first address the dreaded “B” word. And it’s not “Bondage” – it’s “Boredom.”
When you first enter the BDSM lifestyle, you are like a kid in a candy store. There are so many BDSM activities to explore; how can anyone get bored around here? But, sooner or later, monotony – even if the Dom/me has a helicopter and a yacht — will creep into most relationships, from the most vanilla of vanilla to the most TPE of TPE. Since, by all accounts, BDSM relationships tend to be among the shortest lived, what is a couple (or triad) to do? As much as I hate to admit it, it seems that the vanilla people were right – you must actually make an effort to keep your relationship exciting. Autopilot simply doesn’t work, BDSM or no BDSM.
Actually, keeping your relationship “spanking new” (pun intended) is quite a bit easier than you might think. And the “work” required is not exactly like toiling in the Siberian salt mines. In the BDSM lifestyle, the “work” can actually be fun!
The first thing I recommend is that you divide your toys into three piles — those you use a lot, those you use occasionally and those that you never use. Reverse the order and play with those you never employ, followed by the occasional toys. If you didn’t intend to utilize them, why would you have bought these toys in the first place? So, by playing with the overlooked toys, you are adding variety to your scenes. All without added cost or a lot of effort.
Of course, new toys are always a great way to expand your play. Although this seems obvious, you would be surprised how few new toys couples buy over time — even though new implements can also add extra zip to their play. An exotic flogger, an unconventional cane or a unique paddle might fit the bill. What about the violet wand? Or, the less expensive TENS unit might fill the electricity play slot. Even after ten years, there are surely tools you have not experienced yet. Although this suggestion was aimed at the Dom/me, the submissive might suggest a new implement to acquire. After ten years together, communication should not be your problem.
It is very easy to get lazy as time goes by. If you are the Dom/me, take a stab at pushing your sub’s limits from time to time. This is a great way to add excitement and adventure to your relationship. After all, you have a sub. Take advantage of the privileges. Your sub will like it too!
Keep a diary on your device or computer and see if you are playing less often as time has gone by; there is a good chance the frequency of your play has gone down. This is only natural; it happens to the best of us. If this is the case, try to increase your BDSM play schedule to approach the frequency you played with when your relationship began. This might take some effort, but it will be well worth it. If you played at a dungeon ten years ago, make sure you continue the tradition.
Finally, you must make a resolution to try some new BDSM scenes. Surely, there are some that have eluded you. Both of you (or three of you if you are poly!) should make a list of five exciting BDSM scenes you have not done. Discuss them and decide which of those turns you on the most and attempt them. With just a little effort, you should be able to keep your relationship fresh and exciting – at least for another ten years!
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.