relationship

Magnification

September 25, 2017 By Baadmaster 1 Comment

“Magnification.” Now, what do I mean by that? It is not a term you will find in any Kink Weekly article. At least I don’t think so. Truth be told, it is not a BDSM term at all. But, it can add a lot to your BDSM play. Let me explain.

What I imply by “magnification” is the process whereby a Dominant or submissive, by the use of selected pre-scene sequences, is able to amplify subsequent play experiences. The key is for the Dom/me to recognize – or the submissive to discuss – what specific actions increase sensitivity and receptivity. Let’s examine the “magnifying effects” of specific pre-scene techniques.

One magnifying sequence is the greeting ritual, where the submissive kneels and kisses the Dominant’s feet or boots. A similar one is the slave bowing his/her head. These rites can have the effect of both putting the sub into a more submissive state and energizing the Dominant. Thus, these formalities can “magnify” your play. It is easy to neglect incorporating pre-scene rituals into your scenes. But a knowledgeable Dom/me – or an experienced submissive – will jump at the opportunity to include any pre-scene concept, no matter how simple, that would make their play more enjoyable.

Another magnifier is BDSM equipment. Even though one can flog an unrestrained submissive just as hard on a bed, an equivalent beating can be a lot more effective when coupled with some bondage equipment. The apparatus doesn’t have to be sophisticated. I have known submissives whose “sub button” is pushed when nothing more than cuffs are put on their wrists. Others get into “pre-subspace” when they are restrained. You don’t have to own a St. Andrews Cross to magnify your scene; homemade wall hooks can be just as effective. Or just tie the bottom to the bedposts!

Being in a dungeon, or at a play party, can also be a great magnifier. I know a couple that is not into public play. But, according to the Dom, just watching others play puts his sub into an ultra-receptive mindset. When they get home, he is able to put her into subspace effortlessly. Any magnifier, whether it is participatory or voyeuristic, is worth including in your scenes. Of course, one of the most common “magnifiers” is dress. Whether latex, vinyl, boots, high heels or leather, the right outfit, as every Domme knows, can multiply the efficacy of their commands.

If you are not in a live-in situation, some BDSM texting before you go to the dungeon can make both of you hot with anticipation – thus magnifying the scene exponentially.

The key to finding the right “scene magnifier” is communication. In vanilla, we have to guess whether the oysters will put her/him “in the mood.” In BDSM, however, we can discuss what will make the scene more exciting before we attempt it. A pre-scene talk should include a chat about these magnifiers. You might discover that something as basic as a blindfold, a pair of handcuffs or a leather play collar can be just what the submissive needs to feel ultra-submissive – or put the Dominant into “Dom/me space.” Of course, trial-and-error also works. But, in this lifestyle, trial-and-error can be a lot of fun!

The bottom line, after you discover what pre-scene techniques amplify your play, is to incorporate them into your scenes. So, if you can double your fun with the same amount of effort, why not? After all, the object of BDSM is to have fun – so why not double it!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

The New 24/7 Slave

July 17, 2017 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

In a previous kinkweekly.com article, The Dynamics of 24/7 D/s, I had opined on so-called 24/7 D/s relationships. I would like to expand on that article and offer a 24/7 plan that can work in our fast-paced and demanding society.

There are a lot of differing opinions when defining the phrase “24/7” as it applies to slaves and submissives. Technically, the precise definition of “24/7 slave” would have to mean exactly that — serving twenty-four hours, seven days a week. Nonstop. This works fine in the cyber world of idealized relationships. But in the real world, there are life considerations that usually make this impossible.

Taken literally, one could never be a 24/7 slave or sub unless one were totally detached from our basically vanilla world. Thus, the world of 24/7 Dom/me/sub relationships would be left to the unemployed, the independently wealthy, those without kids and/or those without any obligations outside of the slave serving Master or Mistress. This would eliminate all but a few of us. Thus, what we need is a realistic definition that everyone here can live with. A definition that works practically — but one that doesn’t water down the intent of the phrase “24/7 slave.” This can be especially useful for the “New Guard,” who seem to have interests in many other areas besides BDSM.

I think the key to defining a “new 24/7” lies not exclusively in the physical realm. You do not have to literally be at the Master’s or Mistress’s feet all the time. It is really the depth of dedication, not the weekly duration of service. (Of course there are purists who will disagree with me. But what is a debate without opposing views?) The key is to examine the emotional foundation of the Master/slave relationship.

What makes a slave a slave? Surely, slavery is illegal; “slave contracts,” appealing as they are, cannot be legally enforced. Master/slave is, and must be, a consensual agreement. But, it has to be more than just a “consensual agreement” if it is to have any meaning other than a semantic one. It must be more than just BDSM play and service to a Dominant figure. Since “slavery” is consensual, how exactly do we measure it? The key to “slavery” being more than just another form of dating lies in the fact that, at some point, the slave becomes bonded to her/his Master/Mistress in an incredibly deep way. At this point, the slave cannot leave the Master/Mistress without incredible amounts of mental agony; he/she is welded to the Master/Mistress; he/she needs the Master/Mistress to complete his/her existence. Once this point of mental enslavement and dedication is reached, it is, by definition, 24/7. The slave is owned without regard to the time of day or what he/she is doing. The Master or Mistress owns the slave all the time, whether he/she is working at a job, at the DMV or on safari in Africa.

Thus, we can define 24/7 Master/slave as a mental state rather than a physical one. Using this definition, the slave is owned, emotionally and mentally, twenty four hours, seven days a week. Even when apart, the slave’s world revolves around the Master/Mistress — whether the slave is physically with the Owner or not. Once in this TPE “slavespace,” the actual number of hours and days served per week is irrelevant. The slave can be at a job, applying for a loan, or even be at a PTA meeting. As long as the slave is mentally connected to his/her Owner 24/7, then we can effectively say he/she is a “24/7 slave.”

This is one compelling reason for the collar. Worn at all times, it serves as a constant reminder that the slave is connected and owned by the Master or Mistress – twenty-four hours, seven days a week. The collar also has its spiritual component; it symbolizes the Owner’s touching the slave’s neck at all times. It is, to many of us, a lot more than just a vanilla necklace. Besides the collar, technology, such as cellphones, can connect the slave to the Master or Mistress at all times no matter how far apart they might be. 24/7 is a bit easier now than it was in the pay phone era. (“Slave, keep a roll of quarters on you at all times!”)

But does eliminating the physical 24/7 requirement make it easy to be a 24/7 slave? Of course not. To be a slave, 24/7 or otherwise, requires trust, devotion and the need to serve one’s Master. So, to those of you who want to own or be a 24/7 slave, this article offers yet another approach. Keep in mind, that when you wear your Master’s or Mistress’s slave collar, you wear it 24/7. You are owned 24/7. Even if you are on safari!

You Can’t Have Everything!

June 26, 2017 By Baadmaster Leave a Comment

With L.A.’s Bondage Ball ahead of us, and Kinkweekly’s Launch Party behind us, I thought it would be a good time to see how new BDSM players transition from play to D/s relationship – if that is what they want (and many do).

More often than not, upon first play, it seems that all is fine. But when it comes time to get to the next step, I was asked the following question — “My new partner and I have played lightly at a dungeon party. She is hot, and she really turns me on, but is only into light pain. I am a male Dominant, and the thought of flogging and marking her excites me. How do we proceed? Is this a do-able arrangement because of the pain disparity?” (As the question was asked by a male Dom, I will address it in male Dom/female sub terms.)

My answer: Before you worry about the pain/no pain aspects of your relationship, I suggest you first try to establish a D/s hierarchy. If you cannot get to this level, all other concerns are immaterial. (And I don’t mean presenting your sub with some phony-baloney Fifty Shades-style “slave contract.”)

The easiest way to proceed is by introducing small aspects of D/s into your off-dungeon life with your prospective submissive. For example, choose a restaurant and order for her. Start to be more Dominant when you meet outside the play room and see how she takes to it. It is one thing to want to be a Dominant or a submissive; it is quite another thing to actually do it. Thus, small forays into the world of the power exchange are a good place to begin.

Establishing honorifics should be the next item on your agenda. Addressing the Dominant as “Sir,” “Master” or some other honorific reinforces the D/s aspects of your relationship. Surely calling your Dom “Sir” packs a more powerful wallop than calling him “snookems.” These might appear to be minor changes. But, a D/s relationship is a compendium of many minor behavioral modifications. Starting with the proper honorifics is a small but vital step.

I might also start to add some protocols, like the greeting ritual. You should instruct your new sub how to great you when possible. Typically, this consists of kneeling down and kissing the feet or shoes of the Dominant. Or, in a less “Old Guard” greeting, it can be a specific verbal salutation. You can vary it to your desires, but a show of submission is often just what is needed to reaffirm the hierarchy of your relationship.

Now comes the fun part! It is time to establish a D/s dynamic in the playroom. You might not have a Master/slave arrangement at this point; but, at the very least, you should have established enough of a power exchange to have a fun time both in and out of the bedroom. But, if you want to expand into the pain end of the BDSM spectrum, I will suggest a strategy that might work wonders. (This is my opinion and my opinion only.)

While you are having sex, make sure to spank your sub in the butt. As she will be in the throws of passion, she will learn to associate pain with the pleasure of sex. Many women enjoy the pain of spanking during sex – even vanilla women. But, in your case, you must make a special effort to give some serious spanks that are BDSM-specific and pack a bit of a sting. The key is to make her connect your spanks (or some other pain) with the pleasure of sex. This is a great way of turning her on to pain without making a big deal of it. If she likes it, then you can negotiate a full-blown BDSM scene. As her trust level goes up, so will her willingness to let you push her limits.

If, on the other hand, she just won’t countenance any pain, you might still be in luck. Because, if all attempts fail, at the very least you now have a well trained submissive both in and out of the bedroom. And that isn’t all that bad. As Steven Wright, the comedian said, “You can’t have everything…where would you put it?”

Collars: Another Perspective

May 22, 2017 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

Collars. In our DomConLA presentation, “Old Guard vs. New Guard,” we all agreed that, with the fashionistas’ adoption of the collar as a style, the meaning of the BDSM collar has been diluted. Or has it?

Maybe it has lost its meaning to the outside world – wearing a slave collar will not shock the world anymore — yet the most important aspect of the collar still remains. And that is, “What does the collar mean to a given individual?” Herein lies the BDSM riddle of the Sphinx – an unsolvable question since the collar has different meanings to so many people. This can lead to total confusion. So, in the words of Tony Soprano, “let’s unconfuse you.”

From the Dom/me’s point of view, there is little unanimity in the collar’s significance. There are Doms who give out collars like they are M&Ms. (S&Ms?). On the other extreme, there are those Doms who treat collaring as to be of such transcendent magnitude that they might give out very few in the course of a lifetime. There are those who wait one minute to collar, those who wait one month and those who wait one year. There are some who collar one submissive, while others want multiple subs and collar many. I personally think one should take a cautious tact and treat collaring seriously. But, this is just my opinion. There is no standard for a collar.

I have interviewed many submissives – and the results are just as varied as for the Dom/mes. Some subs will accept a collar rather easily; the first Dom to claim them runs off with the prize. There are others who treat being collared much like getting married and will not accept a collar until a long “BDSM courtship” has been consummated. I have seen both ways succeed and fail. Besides, defining “success” and “failure” in a BDSM union is a tough call. Is three years in a Master/slave relationship a failure or a success? Personally, I would call it a success. Others, rightly so, would term it a failure. Which leads us back to my earlier promise of “unconfusing you.”

I have seen many people hurt when their view of collaring is not on the same page as their partner’s. The most typical problem scenario is the submissive who thinks of collaring as a deep, marriage-like, commitment, who is collared by a Dom/me who thinks of it as being like a club pickup. Or, vice-versa. Both are prescriptions for disaster.
Ultimately, the question must be, “What does a collar signify for you?” This seemingly insignificant query might be the most important you can ask. After all, we can’t standardize the collar’s meaning – no matter how many articles I and my kinkweekly.com colleagues write. Rather than tilt against windmills and try to create a “universal collar protocol,” we should advise people to seek out people with similar views on collaring. Use this as one of your major criteria – rather than overlook it as most people do. Deeply probe the other person’s feeling regarding his/her views on the subject. A submissive who thinks collaring is similar to marriage should seek out a Dom/me who treats it with the same degree of commitment. A Dom/me who takes collaring lightly should seek out a submissive who sees it in a comparable way.
Ultimately, there is no way to predict whether a D/s relationship will work or not. In my current BDSM relationship, my Millennial, New Guard submissive has no innate grasp of what a collar signifies. Thus, I have maintained her as a non-collared submissive and it has worked out for years. In the end, not expecting her to deeply understand what the significance of a collar means to me is one of the great strengths of our relationship. It would be an act, as I see it, of Dom-phoniness to give her a collar which means nothing to her.

Ultimately, if and when you do give or accept a collar, it should have a similar significance to both partners. If you can at least get this aspect right, it will give your union solidity, for as long as it does last.

Reader Question: Non-sexual Rewards & Punishments

May 16, 2017 By Jenn Masri 1 Comment

This question was recently sent in to Kink Weekly: “My Dom and I are moving into a nonsexual version of our relationship due to personal reasons. But after so many years of sexual play, He is having a hard time separating sex from our D/s relationship, but I have told him it is possible. Can someone help me with nonsexual ideas for rewards and punishments that do not include humiliation?”

I am going to offer what I can to help, however, “humiliation” has not been defined specifically. I realize the reader is looking for non-sexual and not humiliating, however, humiliation is subjective. Keeping this in mind I will do my best to give this reader some ideas and, hopefully, in the process – give other readers ideas whether or not their relationship is sexual in nature.

Let’s begin with rewards since it’s a bit easier to know that humiliation can be avoided. The ideas are endless really. What does the s-type enjoy? Perhaps a nice outing to a favorite museum or restaurant. Cooking their favorite food or allowing for an extravagant dessert. Having a “date night” – movies, club, concert, etc. Other ideas include pampering – giving the s-type a foot rub or drawing them a bubble bath. If this seems to “servicey” (probably not a word? Lol) to you as the D-type, then perhaps buying them a professional massage or day at the spa. Footing the bill for a mani/pedi, tickets to a favorite sporting event, new items for a favorite hobby, book shopping, etc. From small rewards to bigger ones – just basically consider what the s-type enjoys and would like to earn.

Now let’s discuss punishments. This is a bit trickier when looking to avoid humiliation. I will do my best to give some ideas that I wouldn’t consider humiliating, however, they may still feel humiliating to others. I will, however, obviously steer clear of any sexual humiliation.

Some ideas that are very service oriented tend to work well. Cleaning is one example. Especially if cleaning isn’t normally expected or if extra cleaning can be added. For example, cleaning out the oven, bathtub or refrigerator. Re-organizing the garage or going thru the closets and doing a “spring cleaning” no matter the time of year. You could do extra errands for the D-type like doing their grocery shopping for the week or their laundry.

Another idea is simply taking away something they enjoy. Perhaps every night they like to have a bowl of ice cream – punishment is to not allow that for a night or a week. Perhaps they splurge on Starbucks on their way to work every day – punishment is to brew at home and take in a travel mug. Perhaps if they are really bad you don’t play that weekend.

Gasp!

There are more common punishments like writing lines or doing corner time. I don’t know how humiliating those would be considered. Again, much of this is subjective.

Be creative. When you really sit down and start thinking of things the ideas will probably start to flow. I hope this helps the reader that wrote in and I hope it helps others as well!

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

“Coca-Cola Dominance”

May 1, 2017 By Baadmaster 7 Comments

Definition: “Coca-Cola Dominance.” In a D/s relationship, when a Dominant asks only for behavior that the submissive would do anyway.

I had touched on the “Coca-Cola Dominance” question in a previous kinkweekly.com article, “Does being in love diminish a Dom/me’s power?” In theory, love does make the Dom/me less likely to release the sub and thus diminishes the Master/Mistress’s greatest threat. Thus, less power. But a monarch does not have to rule by intimidation. And the power drain of saying “I love you” can be made up in other ways — the sub’s love for her Dom/me might make her/ him a better slave. Surely, a “Coca-Cola” Dom/me and submissive might have a relationship with 100% obedience – then again I get 100% compliance at any McDonalds. Dominance and submission, in my opinion, should have some degree of difficulty or it is not D/s.

Anyone can be a slave if Master only asks things that the slave could do easily — like drinking Coke and not Pepsi. In the world of BDSM relationships, even when things are going swimmingly, a Master/Mistress must ask for things that stretch the sub’s “expectation range.” The Master/Mistress must ask for things outside this range if only to reinforce Dominance. A personal example: my newly collared slave wanted to order clam chowder at a restaurant. I simply said “No.” For no other reason than to say “No.” I really could care less if she had clam chowder. But she wanted it and I thought it was a good place to show her that she eats what I want her to eat. She made no mention of it; she just ate her salad. She accepted it with not a second thought. She respected our contract, which included ordering food, and behaved accordingly. She passed my test, albeit an easy one.

Clam chowder aside, a Dom/me may need to periodically, and deliberately, require a slave to do things they don’t like. Call it pushing soft limits or a test, the purpose in doing so is to remind the slave that he/she must submit to her Dom/me, even when it’s difficult to do so. Neither Dominance nor submission should be taken for granted. Besides, pushing limits is fun – and let’s not forget we are all in this for fun!

All of this dovetails into the broader – and very important — question of how to keep a long term Master/slave relationship alive. It’s not good for Master/Mistress or slave to allow D/s to lapse or get lazy – most notably by allowing “Coca-Cola D/s” to become the day-to-day hierarchy. Dominance and submission is very difficult to maintain if it isn’t actively practiced.

I think to be able to serve or be served without fear for the relationship should be the aim of any long-term D/s relationship. That’s not so easy to achieve. And going “Coca-Cola” doesn’t seem to me to be a viable solution. It might work for a scene at a play party or a short term relationship, but – even in a vanilla relationship – there must be demands placed on both parties. In our ever evolving lifestyle (which we will be discussing at DomConLA’s “Old Guard vs. New Guard” panel presentation May 20th) there are still some bedrock principles that should be respected. First among them is that “Coca-Cola Dominance” is not dominance “Coca-Cola submission” is not submission!

Dom Wants to Submit

April 3, 2017 By Baadmaster 5 Comments

Often my articles are inspired by questions I receive regarding BDSM, D/s, relationships and all kinds of kink-related queries. (After all, this is KINK weekly!) One of the most intriguing questions I have been asked is the following one:

“If my sincere desire is to be completely dominated, and I have a dominant personality outside the playroom, can my fantasy truly ever become a reality?”

The answer is an unequivocal “yes!” In fact, when one examines the real life dynamics of dominance and submission, you will find that there is a lot of role reversal in this lifestyle. For example, many bigwig executives, who are among the most dominant, type-A individuals you can find, seek domination in their off-hours. Ask any pro-Domme and you will find that many of their clients are high-powered business types. This stems from the most human of needs – to reverse roles when in relaxation mode. The last thing many a captain of industry wants, after a week of non-stop decision-making, is to spend the weekend making more decisions. It can go deeper than that psychologically, but the overview is still one of role reversal. Conversely, there are pro-Dommes who, when they are not working in the dungeon, like nothing better than to be dominated. And this has little to do with switching; this is a situation where the dominant businessperson, for example, wants his play life to be as a submissive.

(I will not address the question of whether a Dom/me ordering a submissive to “spank me” is an act of dominance. I might tackle this in another column.)

Of course, there are men and women who are dominant in their profession and dominant in their relationship; there are submissive/submissive people, too. You are far from alone in your needs and your ability to fulfill them. The first step is to let things happen naturally. Let me explain. Since you wish to be completely dominated, you must look for a potential partner who stirs your submissive feelings. This could pose a problem as many will perceive you as a dominant and be skeptical of your need to submit to any degree. So it might take time for you to find a partner that dovetails into you submissive needs. “Complete domination,” as you put it, is a state that you gradually arrive at over time; you won’t get there right off the bat. But finding a Master/Mistress who stimulates the inner submissive within you is the first step toward that goal. If you have spent time with a skilled pro-Domme you will understand your needs – and limits — more deeply.

The second step is for you to acknowledge that you will never be able to shed all the domineering characteristics of your personality. A sensitive Master/Mistress will never ask you to do that. What you must find is a Dom/Domme whose control of you in the dungeon dovetails into your kinky needs while encouraging you to continue your day-to-day dominance. A wise Master/Mistress knows he/she can affect some behavior modification, but will never want to change you completely. Nor should he/she try to. When you look for your “dream Dom/Domme,” make sure he/she instinctively gives you “domineering latitude” – without it, it will not work.

The third step is to actually find your ideal Dominant – and the best way to find him/her is to be honest from the jump. Tell any potential Master/Mistress about your domineering personality. Don’t hide it; don’t play “perfect slave” as a way of enticing that person. Many people use this technique and it is doomed to failure.

The key is to find a Dominant – whether a pro Dom/me or a relationship Dom/me — who finds your “domineering personality” appealing, and is willing to accept and even encourage your “outside the dungeon” dominance. After all, it is always best to accept a partner “just the way he/she is.” If you truly enjoy exploring your submissive side after a hard week of being “domineering,” you will likely find a Master/Mistress who will work with you. After all, there is nothing a Dom/Domme likes better than a partner who really needs to be a dominated! And you seem to fit this mold to a “T.”

Long-Term BDSM

March 27, 2017 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

The question I get asked most often is how to keep a long-term (over ten years) BDSM relationship fresh and exciting. Since my current live-in situation has lasted for eight years, I am close enough to ten years to offer counsel. As with all advice, it should be filed under the category of “opinion.” That said, just talking about the subject can be enlightening – so let’s go!

Let’s first address the dreaded “B” word. And it’s not “Bondage” – it’s “Boredom.”

When you first enter the BDSM lifestyle, you are like a kid in a candy store. There are so many BDSM activities to explore; how can anyone get bored around here? But, sooner or later, monotony – even if the Dom/me has a helicopter and a yacht — will creep into most relationships, from the most vanilla of vanilla to the most TPE of TPE. Since, by all accounts, BDSM relationships tend to be among the shortest lived, what is a couple (or triad) to do? As much as I hate to admit it, it seems that the vanilla people were right – you must actually make an effort to keep your relationship exciting. Autopilot simply doesn’t work, BDSM or no BDSM.

Actually, keeping your relationship “spanking new” (pun intended) is quite a bit easier than you might think. And the “work” required is not exactly like toiling in the Siberian salt mines. In the BDSM lifestyle, the “work” can actually be fun!

The first thing I recommend is that you divide your toys into three piles — those you use a lot, those you use occasionally and those that you never use. Reverse the order and play with those you never employ, followed by the occasional toys. If you didn’t intend to utilize them, why would you have bought these toys in the first place? So, by playing with the overlooked toys, you are adding variety to your scenes. All without added cost or a lot of effort.

Of course, new toys are always a great way to expand your play. Although this seems obvious, you would be surprised how few new toys couples buy over time — even though new implements can also add extra zip to their play. An exotic flogger, an unconventional cane or a unique paddle might fit the bill. What about the violet wand? Or, the less expensive TENS unit might fill the electricity play slot. Even after ten years, there are surely tools you have not experienced yet. Although this suggestion was aimed at the Dom/me, the submissive might suggest a new implement to acquire. After ten years together, communication should not be your problem.

It is very easy to get lazy as time goes by. If you are the Dom/me, take a stab at pushing your sub’s limits from time to time. This is a great way to add excitement and adventure to your relationship. After all, you have a sub. Take advantage of the privileges. Your sub will like it too!

Keep a diary on your device or computer and see if you are playing less often as time has gone by; there is a good chance the frequency of your play has gone down. This is only natural; it happens to the best of us. If this is the case, try to increase your BDSM play schedule to approach the frequency you played with when your relationship began. This might take some effort, but it will be well worth it. If you played at a dungeon ten years ago, make sure you continue the tradition.

Finally, you must make a resolution to try some new BDSM scenes. Surely, there are some that have eluded you. Both of you (or three of you if you are poly!) should make a list of five exciting BDSM scenes you have not done. Discuss them and decide which of those turns you on the most and attempt them. With just a little effort, you should be able to keep your relationship fresh and exciting – at least for another ten years!

Subbie Snap

January 23, 2017 By Baadmaster 1 Comment

Up until now, we have concentrated on the broad principles that make relationships work. Communication, negotiation, limits and the like have been covered extensively. But what about the little, nagging things that can gnaw at the fabric of even the most solid Master/slave relationship? What are they? How can you avoid falling prey to them? Let’s start with one I call “subbie snap.” (This article is primarily aimed at Dom/mes and subs who are — or want to be — in a committed D/s relationship.)

In most D/s relationships, the broad principles of Dominance and submission are pretty obvious. So, when the Dom/Domme asks the submissive to “make coffee,” for example, neither really gives it a second thought. Compared to tying your submissive to a cross and flogging him/her within an inch of her/his safeword, this is no big deal. Or is it? Well it can be.

The “big commands” – like pushing limits in a public scene – happen only occasionally. But the “little orders” can be an everyday occurrence. The danger in these “little commands” is that the submissive is reluctant to object to them no matter how annoying they might be.

For example, let’s say that every time the submissive opens up a can of Coca-Cola for her/himself, the Master/Mistress seizes the can and takes a big gulp out of it, almost finishing it. In a vanilla relationship, the partner can just say, “Next time get your own friggin’ soda.” In a Master/slave relationship, no matter how much this habit gets on the slave’s nerves, he/she would just accede to this demand and make no mention of it. Over time, this can build up from a minor annoyance to a major resentment. If there are too many of these little unresolved annoyances, it can add up to an overall feeling of frustration. In the worst case scenario, left unchecked, this can cause what I call “subbie snap.” This is where the submissive “loses it” and tells the Master/Mistress off. Little frustrations, added up over time, can turn into one big frustration that can threaten the whole D/s dynamic of the relationship.

The problem here is that most submissives won’t mention these little things to the Dominant. While he/she might mention a major problem, there can be a reluctance to seem “un-slavelike” when it comes to these tiny, seemingly unimportant, irritations. What to do?

From the Dominant side, a keener sense of observation might be called for. When in a scene, a given Dominant might be the most observant person on the planet. But when in garden-variety life interactions, this same Dominant can be as thick as a brick. Thus, the Dom/me must make a special effort to keenly observe the submissive’s demeanor on a regular basis. The Dominant should look to see if the slave is making those “little faces” when responding to small requests. If it is not an important demand, you — the Dom/me — might want to request it less often. On the other hand, it might be a tip-off that the whole Master/slave dynamic is going off kilter. In this case, the “C word” – communication – comes to the rescue. It might be time to address it before it becomes a bigger problem; taking care of business early can prevent a major case of “subbie snap.”

From the submissive’s point of view, don’t suffer in silence. Not wanting him hogging your Coca-Cola might not seem a big enough deal to risk looking un-slavelike – but it can be. If your Master has some annoying habits that make you squirm, don’t be afraid to mention it. There is nothing unusual about being a good slave in all regards but having a few minor things you simply loathe doing. Small frustrations are easy to nip in the bud – before they become big frustrations. On the other hand, if your actions are a symptom of a bigger problem, it is incumbent on you to tell your Dominant. What is to be gained by hiding it? In the long run, by not confronting it, you might ruin your relationship. Here, again, communication is essential. Remember, if your Dominant does not observe the problem, then you must tell him/her. Your Master/Mistress might be many things, but a mind reader is probably not one of them. And if he/she is not good at reading the little signs I have been pointing out, then you must advise him/her about what is causing you grief.

At the end of the day, both parties should be fulfilled in a Master/slave relationship. And avoiding “subbie snap,” even at the risk of breaking of your particular protocol, is one way to insure that.

Spirituality of D/s

January 16, 2017 By Baadmaster 4 Comments

And now for something completely different!

With the beginning of the New Year, I thought I would take a moment to reflect on what I believe to be the spirituality of D/s.

One of the aims of the spiritual realm is to put the mind and spirit at peace. Meditation is one way to banish those disturbances and emotional ripples that are so jarring in our daily lives. Studies have linked lower frequency alpha waves, as well as theta waves, to meditation. Regardless of the technical aspects of meditative brain science, which is far beyond the scope of this article, there is something inherently tranquil and spiritual in a good Dom/sub relationship. This, besides the play aspects, might account for much of its appeal. For the newer members of our lifestyle, you can see there is more to D/s than just whips and chains!

Within a strong D/s relationship, there should be less of the day-to-day power struggles that typify vanilla relationships; ideally the sexual power struggles that are the bane of many vanillas are often eliminated. For example, the typical vanilla male complaint that his wife won’t give him head is, by definition, impossible in a D/s relationship. “Not tonight, I have a headache” as an excuse is really not acceptable in any serious D/s relationship. The Dom/me knows that after a hard day’s work, he/she does not have to worry that his/her partner will not try to sexually satisfy him/her when they go into the bedroom. The absence of this typical vanilla sexual power struggle is a very comforting aspect to a D/s relationship.

(I might add, it might seem I am dissing vanillas. Not at all. I can only observe what I observe. As I wrote in a comment to a kinkweekly.com article, “When I see TV ratings go through the roof with the ‘Mistress Heather’ series of the original CSI shows, how many vanillas are going to see Fifty Shades (a billion dollar gross cannot be generated by only BDSM lifestylers) and cable TV’s near obsession with femme Domme-based shows, I can only conclude that alternative activities — for the most part — are titillating to the vanilla masses. There is no other conclusion I can draw. Clearly, this does not mean EVERY vanilla longs for D/s or BDSM. But a huge number do from what I see.” And many of these people long for liberation from some of the mental strain of the vanilla world. D/s can offer this freedom.)

In a solid D/s relationship, the submissive, with total trust in the Dominant, has so much less to worry about than his/her vanilla counterpart. Letting another person make many decisions can be like lifting a thousand-pound weight from the sub’s shoulders. Conversely, the Dom/me — knowing the submissive is there to serve, satisfy and pleasure him/her in all ways — is very comforted by this knowledge.

Silly, unproductive arguments usually (but not always) go out the window in a good D/s relationship. For example, I cannot picture a Master and his slave arguing over his/her late working hours. The slave trusts that if Master says he is working late, then he is actually working and not out at a topless bar with the guys! (And if he were, he could tell his submissive.) This bond of trust frees them to raise their relationship to a higher spiritual level.

I think of a solid D/s union as being the spiritual equivalent of a Star Wars quote, “Your focus determines your reality.” (Surely there is more wisdom in Star Wars than in Fifty Shades!) The Master/Mistress and the slave, ideally, are selfless and see beyond themselves; their reality is what they make it. And in this transcendent bond, they can find peace of mind.

Clearly D/s is not the solution to every couple’s day-to-day issues. But it can be a step or two towards getting rid of some of the psychic clutter that surrounds all of us. And every little bit helps!

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