How to approach potential play partners as a switch

With the onslaught of the coronavirus, I have not been able to go to my favorite California dungeons (Lair deSade, Sanctuary) and glean questions. Thus I am reaching into my e-mail bag to find some great queries. Here is one of them,

Reader: I’m new to BDSM.  I like the idea of having a sex slave, but I’d also be interested in subbing to the right person. How do I begin my BDSM journey? I’m not sure who to approach or how. Should I call myself a switch? Should I only contact switches for advice or play? I’m afraid if I identify as one thing or another I’ll piss someone off or get the wrong kind of info. 

First of all, don’t worry about pissing me off.  I love switches; most of our play partners are switches because I like Topping them and then watching them Top my slave.  

As far as starting your BDSM journey, you are correct in that you should not begin by pissing people off.  And the best way not to piss people off is to be honest with them.    Equally important, since this stage is about self-discovery, it is critically important that you be honest with yourself.

By your question, it is clear that you are unsure where you want to wind up.  It is hard for newbies to predict where they will land in the BDSM spectrum.  So, my first piece of advice is to follow BaadMaster’s patented three-step formula (sounds impressive, huh?) for finding out about where you lie in the BDSM continuum.

Get in touch with what you really want.  As I said, be honest with yourself. Clear your mind and think of what really turns you on – no matter how extreme it might be.  One way to find this out is to read to many of the articles here on kinkweekly. As they are written by many different authors, they will give you an idea of the range of play and will help you focus on what you want — and what you don’t want.  

Decide which among these fantasies you would actually do.  There is a difference between thinking something is exciting and actually doing it.  Thus, you must make a realistic appraisal of those activities that will attempt – and those you simply won’t do.

The intersection of one and two is where you should begin your BDSM journey.

For example, you already said that you want to own a sex slave.  Unless you only fantasize about it and won’t actually do it – for whatever reason – then it is time to explore this fantasy.  Tell any prospective play partner, straight up, that you are looking for a sex slave.  Don’t lie and say you are an experienced Dominant, but rather look for someone who is into learning with you.  You should also look for a Dom/me who might give you some real time experience in subbing.  The object is to find out not only what turns you on, but also what areas you have a natural aptitude for.

At this point, you are simply trying to learn; you should not concern yourself with labels. However, if one label does apply, it is newbie.  But fret not; everyone was a newbie once. Experience will teach you whether you are a Dom, sub or switch — not some abstract idea of what you want to be.  Besides, with all the dungeons closed, this is a good time to learn about BDSM.  At some point we will defeat this virus.

In the era that predated our current Internet age, there existed a group of loosely affiliated leather groups that came to be known as the Old Guard Leather Societies.  Although much is lost to history, legend is that they had a precept that “you cannot become a Master or a Top without having been a slave or a bottom.”  Either consciously or unconsciously, you are following that time-honored principle.  Since you are lucky enough to be able to both Top and bottom while you learn, this is a great way to go.  Whether you become a Dominant or a submissive, you will be better for it.  If you wind up a switch, you will be an experienced one.  Not a bad start, I must say!

Stay Safe.

About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.