baadmaster

I had written about medical play previously on kink weekly. But this question caught my eye as it is time to re-examine medical play in the light of the covid-19 pandemic. 

Reader: My Domme and I are interested in exploring medical play. We’ve read all about the safety aspects, but we’re curious about the types of different play out there and what your favorite is?

One of the great things about medical play is that you can make it as life-like as you desire.  For example, you can construct an “examination room” pretty easily.  Since medical play is basically role play (“Say ahhh…!”), it is really neat to have a good faux doctor’s office as your playroom.  

Making an examination table is simple enough.  Some white sheets on any old table will do.  If you wish to get elaborate, you can improvise some extensions and leg stirrups.  Once you stock a table with lots of medical stuff  – aspirin, bandages, alcohol, swabs, ahhh sticks, cotton balls, a thermometer (rectal preferably!), a prop prescription pad, etc. – you have the makings of a true “doctor’s office.”  And do not neglect lots of hand sanitizers.  Never before has sterility been so important in BDSM play.

Next step:  the white smock.  (Maybe you can get one at a Halloween close out!)  Put a nametag on it (Dr. Feelgood, perhaps?) and you are good to go.  Or get a nurses’ outfit if that is your scenario.

The fun in medical play is that the Dom/sub dynamic is built in.  The doctor is, by definition, the Top.  When a real life doctor says, “Get undressed,” or “Bend over and spread you cheeks,” you do as you are told.  This, of course, continues in BDSM medical role play – without the ethical constraints of the real-time doctor/patient relationship.  Here the “doctor” can examine you to his/her heart’s content without any restrictions — other than hard limits negotiated beforehand.  I believe this is one reason that medical play is so popular – even outside the BDSM world.

As to what is my fave, needle play is a personal favorite of mine. 

Needle play in a medical scene is a natural — although needle play is not solely done in medical scenes.  Often called “play piercings,” these are temporary, not permanent, piercings. 

In any medical scene with needles, your approach to sterility should mirror that of an actual doctor.  Sterility is essential, from the needles you buy to the play areas in your “office.”  When you buy your piercing needles, some medical supply houses offer ethylene oxide gas sterilization.  Ethylene oxide gas sterilization is an effective way — equivalent to autoclaving — to sterilize most medical play items.  All needles, scalpels, Wattenburg pinwheels, metal speculums, etc., should be sterilized using this method.  Once sterilized in this way, the items are sealed in plastic and are germ free until you use them  (Always use needles ONCE and throw them away as medical waste.)

Before you start your medical play-piercing session, wash your hands thoroughly with a hospital quality anti-bacterial soap.  (Seventy percent isopropyl alcohol is the CDC standard for anti-virus.)  Latex examination gloves should be placed on both hands immediately after washing.  The submissive’s skin should also be toweled with seventy percent isopropyl  alcohol wash to kill any residual skin bacteria and viruses.  You should have all these products on hand, neatly arranged on your medical table, so that the doctor role play and the sterility precautions you are taking merge seamlessly.  Here is a great area where real life and role play completely intersect.  As in any doctor/patient relationship, the “patient” should make sure that the “doctor” is as doctor-like as possible – or leave the office!

Although I might have gone overboard on sterility issues, keeping play germ-free is essential whenever medical scenes are being done – especially in this covid-19 world.  After all, if you go to a dirty doctor’s office, would you want him/her to examine you?  (Depends on what you mean by dirty!)  

Nevertheless, as sterility is so important nowadays, please don’t mind if I get a little annoyingly redundant. 

About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

With the corona virus destroying a lot of our fun time, I felt it would be neat to find a question that is entertaining.  And this one, about peeping Tomism and other perversions (or kinks as our website says!), seems to fit the bill. 

Reader: I’m a female sub who’s just starting a new relationship. We knew each other as friends first, but now we’re serious. There’s one thing about him that troubles me… He likes to watch people playing and having sex. He’s watched me masturbate a lot, and now he wants to watch me play with other people. I guess it really turns him on… I’m not totally opposed to it, but I don’t get it. What does it mean about him? Is he a “Peeping Tom”? Why would he want to watch when he could play with me himself?

Since you chatted online with your Dom before meeting him, it can safely be assumed (although one should never assume) that you did not state that voyeurism was a hard limit. If, in fact, this is a hard limit and it wasn’t discussed, then you have a problem that I probably cannot solve. (This does happen, believe it or not, from time to time!) Had you discussed his serious voyeuristic needs, you could have stopped the relationship before it started had this disturbed you to the “I can never do it” level. That is why I always recommend serious discussion of your kinks early on. But, enough Monday morning quarterbacking; we have your predicament to solve.

You ask, “What does it mean about him?” The answer is, “absolutely nothing.” We are all captives of our deepest perversions; some of us act on them, others don’t. I find that most so-called “normal people” are usually those who hide their darkest fantasies from their partners. One of the best aspects of this lifestyles is the “say it loud, I’m a perv and I’m proud” approach. Basically, we should just accept each other’s consensual-adult kinks and not make any value judgments. The only conclusion that matters is whether your partner’s kink works for you or not. How he/she got there is fodder for a shrink; it is less about what it means in the cosmic scheme of things than what it means to your relationship. 

You state that there is one problem that bothers you. Not two. Not three. One. This bodes well for you; one problem is easier to fix than a bunch of them. The question to ask regarding this dilemma is, does it turn you on or off? Can you get into it? Does it change your attitude toward your prospective Master? Remember, if you are going to think long-term, you must be able to deal with your partner’s major kink. The reason people enter this lifestyle is to feed their perversions; if they wanted to change them to a vanilla norm they would not be here. Thus, you must accept the fact that “what you see is what you get.” Whether you call it voyeurism or Peeping Tom-ism, you can bet that this is what really turns your Dom on. If you can get into his very specific kinks, then all will likely be fine. 

I would not try to change him; trying to modify a Dom’s behavior is rarely an effective strategy for success. Since your relationship is new, although you call it “serious,” you are still in the negotiating stage. Thus, I would discuss some other areas that you might like to have fulfilled. After all, unless he is a bust-out total 24/7 voyeur, chances are there are other areas in BDSM that you both enjoy that don’t involve voyeurism. 

The oft-repeated cliché that relationships are about communication is oft-repeated because it is true. And, communication cuts both ways. He has told you of his voyeuristic kink. You should be able to open up and tell him your perversions. This is a great opportunity for both of you to explore fresh areas of play. If voyeurism is not a hard limit – and it appear it is not – then just go with it and see where it leads. You might find you love it. Just as your Dom might enjoy play that excites you. As the great Dominant, James Bond, said, “Never say never!” 

About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

1. You worthless slutpig.
2. You pitiful whore.
3. You useless strumpet. (If you want to go Shakespearean on your slave!)
4. You pathetic cunt.
5. You deplorable hole.
6. You awful, shameful POS (piece of shit.)
7. You insignificant piece of rubbish.
8. You unimportant, useless sack of shit.
9. You disgraceful two-dollar whore.
10. You execrable streetwalker.

With the onslaught of the coronavirus, I have not been able to go to my favorite California dungeons (Lair deSade, Sanctuary) and glean questions. Thus I am reaching into my e-mail bag to find some great queries. Here is one of them,

Reader: I’m new to BDSM.  I like the idea of having a sex slave, but I’d also be interested in subbing to the right person. How do I begin my BDSM journey? I’m not sure who to approach or how. Should I call myself a switch? Should I only contact switches for advice or play? I’m afraid if I identify as one thing or another I’ll piss someone off or get the wrong kind of info. 

First of all, don’t worry about pissing me off.  I love switches; most of our play partners are switches because I like Topping them and then watching them Top my slave.  

As far as starting your BDSM journey, you are correct in that you should not begin by pissing people off.  And the best way not to piss people off is to be honest with them.    Equally important, since this stage is about self-discovery, it is critically important that you be honest with yourself.

By your question, it is clear that you are unsure where you want to wind up.  It is hard for newbies to predict where they will land in the BDSM spectrum.  So, my first piece of advice is to follow BaadMaster’s patented three-step formula (sounds impressive, huh?) for finding out about where you lie in the BDSM continuum.

Get in touch with what you really want.  As I said, be honest with yourself. Clear your mind and think of what really turns you on – no matter how extreme it might be.  One way to find this out is to read to many of the articles here on kinkweekly. As they are written by many different authors, they will give you an idea of the range of play and will help you focus on what you want — and what you don’t want.  

Decide which among these fantasies you would actually do.  There is a difference between thinking something is exciting and actually doing it.  Thus, you must make a realistic appraisal of those activities that will attempt – and those you simply won’t do.

The intersection of one and two is where you should begin your BDSM journey.

For example, you already said that you want to own a sex slave.  Unless you only fantasize about it and won’t actually do it – for whatever reason – then it is time to explore this fantasy.  Tell any prospective play partner, straight up, that you are looking for a sex slave.  Don’t lie and say you are an experienced Dominant, but rather look for someone who is into learning with you.  You should also look for a Dom/me who might give you some real time experience in subbing.  The object is to find out not only what turns you on, but also what areas you have a natural aptitude for.

At this point, you are simply trying to learn; you should not concern yourself with labels. However, if one label does apply, it is newbie.  But fret not; everyone was a newbie once. Experience will teach you whether you are a Dom, sub or switch — not some abstract idea of what you want to be.  Besides, with all the dungeons closed, this is a good time to learn about BDSM.  At some point we will defeat this virus.

In the era that predated our current Internet age, there existed a group of loosely affiliated leather groups that came to be known as the Old Guard Leather Societies.  Although much is lost to history, legend is that they had a precept that “you cannot become a Master or a Top without having been a slave or a bottom.”  Either consciously or unconsciously, you are following that time-honored principle.  Since you are lucky enough to be able to both Top and bottom while you learn, this is a great way to go.  Whether you become a Dominant or a submissive, you will be better for it.  If you wind up a switch, you will be an experienced one.  Not a bad start, I must say!

Stay Safe.

About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

A while ago (pre-coronavirus) I received this question –

Reader: I am a beginner Dominant and I keep on making BDSM mistakes.  Can you give me some pointers so I am more proficient in my BDSM?

In order to answer your question, I will concentrate on Internet BDSM mistakes that I, and friends, have made. Hopefully, after our virus nightmare ends, you can put these suggestions to good use.  (I also suggest you watch https://www.kinkweekly.com/photography/beginners-guide-bdsm-basics/ 

here on kinkweekly!)

Back to your question.   I will concentrate on Internet slipups as the Internet saccounts for a significant number of BDSM hookups – and slip ups!

So, here is my list of “Internet BDSM Blunders” – made not in the face of good advice but rather with a lack of any. Some of these might seem obvious. But if I had a dollar for everyone who ignored some obvious advice, with disastrous results, I would own the world!

Facetime.  Back in the day, “I don’t have a scanner” was the excuse du jour for the lack of a picture. A couple years later, “I don’t have a digital camera” became the buzzword of the faker generation. Now with Photoshop, anyone can lose twenty pounds and twenty years instantly. If you are starting to get serious and you are far away from each other, insist on the webcam/skype/facetime or any live face-to-face platform that is on every cellphone. And, when you finally meet, both of you will look 30% better than you did online. Guaranteed!

Get to real time meetings as quickly as possible.  This piece of advice is as valid today as it was back in the day. Spending an inordinate amount of time online without a face-to-face meeting is a risky strategy. (Unless your thing is online BDSM, which is a valid approach.) It is very easy to bond with someone you only know through emails, yahoo messenger, Skype, Tinder, Facebook, IG, Twitter, Fetlife, IM’s and even cellphoning. Each person can tell the other person what they want to hear, without the necessity of looking the other person in the eye. Obviously, if you are on a good track, meeting will only validate your judgments and speed up the whole process. But, if the relationship is built on a hidden incompatibility that only a real time meeting can uncover, you can spend time almost falling in love — only to have that shatter when you finally meet. 

 Give, and demand, honesty online. Not to suggest you play Sherlock Holmes, but a liar can be spotted very easily. If you spot major untruths or inconsistencies, the operational word should be “next!” This is one principle that has not changed — give, and demand, honesty no matter what platform you are using to communicate.

Fly the friendly skies.  Even if you are facetimeing, don’t use distance as an excuse to postpone a real time meeting. In-person is still more revealing than the webcam and bargain airline tickets are readily available. Ten years ago I attempted an LDR. But, I procrastinated our meeting, month after month. Finally, I got on a plane. We were totally incompatible! I should have scheduled a visit much sooner – and I would not have wasted all that time. Obviously, all this advice must wait until the pandemic is over.

“There’s a sucker born every minute!” I think P.T. Barnum must have had the Internet in mind when he coined that saying. Don’t take anything at face value; see how the whole picture is painted before you judge it. If we have learned anything about “fake news” this election cycle, it is that people can say anything online and it will be believed.

Don’t exaggerate.  Although we all exaggerate from time to time (weight, height, age, job experience?), it is very tempting to go for the home run online, via texting or with any communications app. It is especially appealing when the other person says, “I like Nipsey Hustle,” so you agree – even thought you hate hip-hop. Although that might not technically be “lying,” it should be kept to a minimum. Unless you are down with online, sexting, DM’s or any non-contactual (my word!) BDSM, exaggerations will eventually catch up to you when you meet.  

The Internet is a great tool for meeting people – people you might not ever have met in a million years pre-Internet. (Although I miss Blockbuster, an Internet victim.) But, as with any interpersonal medium, one should be cautious – but not paranoid. Hopefully, you can learn from my mistakes. Because I sure made a bunch of them!

About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Although this question was submitted to me before the current coronavirus crisis, I thought it would be very enlightening to answer it.  Since many of us are staying indoors and not going out as much, role-play is a great way to add spice and alleviate boredom. The question please —

Reader: My slave and I are really interested in role playing. But we’re not sure where to start. Got any kinky ideas for us?

Kinky ideas for you?  Have you these ideas already.  Sounds like Yoda, you say. But the little guy has a lot of wisdom.  Let’s see what results using the Y-man’s approach will render. (I am being a bit mysterious today, don’t you think?)

Role-play has virtually no limits.  Almost anything your mind can conceive of can be done in a role-play game.  The question is, where do you get these kinky ideas from? Where? From inside you,  In the vanilla world you have been taught to suppress your “dirty” thoughts, to forget your wet dreams, to stop having nasty fantasies.  I say, do the exact opposite. Keep a mental file of your wildest, nastiest, naughtiest thoughts and fantasies. And herein lie the concepts and scripts for the role-play games that will turn you on the most.

Ever thought about being a schoolteacher and keeping your student after school for punishment?  Done! With a willing submissive, you have an instant “student being kept after school” scene ready to go!  Add an improvised schoolroom desk and chair for authenticity and you are set to act out a long-held fantasy — one that you already had worked out in your mind many times before.

In the deepest recesses of your cranium, have you ever fantasized about being a doctor and examining a patient?  When you were in the vanilla world, I am sure — if you had these fantasies — they went unfulfilled. But you are here now.  So, it is time to scrounge around the house and find items that are medical-consistent – thermometers, bandages, etc. During this crisis, you might be reluctant to go to drug stores and browse for medical items.  But you can also use the Internet to order role-play items that get delivered to you. 

Now is the time to play out any fantasy that you have had.  The ole’ French maid fantasy has been a staple for years. Order a French maid’s outfit and go to town!  They are available on E-bay if you want to shop online.

Of course, you really don’t need costumes for role-play games.  But I feel they help to inject a dash of reality into what is essentially acting.  And actors always use props and costumes for authenticity. A pro Domme friend of mine has it right when she says, “changing into the appropriate costume helps to signify the change in role.”  A real stethoscope pays off big time when you are doing any medical role-play scenes.

The Yoda role-play principle really has no limits.  Don’t dismiss anything that you have ever thought of, fantasized about or have gotten excited over.  What if the concept of being a pony turns you on? You are not alone here. Pony play is a rather popular role-play scenario.  Many Dominants take it as far as buying display tack and actually training their “pony” to do exacting steps – just like show horses!  

Here at kinkweekly.com we have articles on lots of role-play games such as puppy play.  And interrogation. And baby play, And age play. Keep in mind that if you have a fantasy, no matter how outlandish, many others also have the same one as you do.  So, once you think of some fantasy role-play that turns you on, check to see if there is information on it. Chances are, there is. And do not forget that even though role-play might be physically benign, it can have psychological demands.  Thus, make sure you play with safe words.

But if your fantasy is so unique that there is no information on it – try it anyway.  Even if is as strange as ‘Commander and astronaut,’ ‘James Bond and a Bond-girl’ or ‘Man-In-Black and an alien’ — go for it!

About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

The latest question I have gotten is a rather technical one: 

Reader:  “I have read many articles, both pro and con, about branding.  I can figure out what is best for me from a spiritual and personal perspective. What I would like is some technical advice so I know how to best choose a brander so  I am not left with an ugly scar.

First, to answer your query, you must decided if you want a “surface burn,” which fades in time or a “permanent branding,” which is – DUH – permanent. Since branding has not (yet?) become popular like piercing and tattooing where there are shops on every corner, like Starbucks, it can be daunting to find a good brander.  Thus, there is a skill level that must be evaluated before you hire a brander. So to help you out, here are some basics:

Branding, simply put, is burning the skin’s surface to make a mark. This mark can be either temporary or permanent. The temporary kind is often referred to as a “surface burn.” A skillfully done surface burn will usually begin to fade within a few months; after a year, the most that will remain is a residual redness – depending upon the skin type. Extreme masochists love this type of play, which has no shortage of pain.

Permanent branding is quite a bit more complicated than one would expect. Most experienced branders work in 316L stainless steel sheet metal and shape it into different parts of the brand. They build their designs using sequential “strikes” of thin metal pieces to make the complete brand. Heated by a propane torch, the temperature is critical. Too hot, you can injure muscle tissue or ruin the brand with too much scarification. Too little heat, the brand will look weak. And all the strikes must be applied with equal pressure and identical heat or an uneven brand will result. To properly brand a person takes a lot of skill; we are, after all, not cattle. And remember, the results are not as predictable as tattoos;  you must expect some unexpected results.  

Best to keep these paragraphs in mind and ask him/her how EXACTLY the brand is applied.  If they just say they heat copper wire, the word is NEXT!

Issues of skill aside, the major concern for most people is the permanence of the brand. “What if Master/Mistress were to release me and I have a brand on my butt?” This would seem to be a legitimate question. Since few things last forever, the real question should be, “Can I live with this mark if the relationship were to end?” Framed in this context, the decision seems to be simpler. If the mark is aesthetically pleasing and you think, were you to break up, that you can still wear your mark with pride, then branding just might make sense. On the other hand, if the relationship does last forever…wow!!!

This article is shorter than my usual one for kinkweekly.com.  Word count aside, you have come to the right place. Branding can be permanent and I cannot teach you how to brand or be branded in one article.  What I have done is to give you some guide lines to help you choose a skillful brander. And I have saved the most important piece of advice for last: 

Insist that any brander worth his/her salt  (of course, don’t put salt on the brand!) will come with a whole medical/first aid kit containing, at the very least, a topical antibiotic, a topical anesthetic, bandages and all manner of first aid. And he/she must, in an era of corona virus, be extremely insistent on sterility.  Keep this in mind: “A dirty brander should be an unemployed brander.”

I might add, that is this confusing time re. the corona virus, it might be wise to be extra sterile in every manner of BDSM play.  Better safe than sorry!

About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Many of you have attended fetish events both large and small; usually the Latex-clad Dommes stand out. Truth be told, whenever I attend fetish parties and see those Dommes in their mind-blowing latex outfits, I start to wish I were a sub! That is how hot these Dommes can be – and much of their appeal is due to the latex they wear. It hugs their bodies like a second skin, it is shiny and binding – and I feel no guilt about ogling them!

This week’s question concerns liquid latex.  Duh! And here it is:

I just got back from AVN.  Although this year’s edition seemed to lack the energy of previous versions, there were more than enough Dommes to tantalyze.  Many of them were in latex. Baadmaster, can you give us a primer on latex? I find it hot! 

The esthetics of latex are not dissimilar to rubber or even PVC – although latex, for a myriad of reasons, has become the fetish fashion of choice. Besides the fact that it outshines leather, is thinner than rubber and classier than PVC, the main reason, as I see it, that latex is in a class of its own is because of the introduction of liquid latex. Liquid latex is a self-drying latex product that paints directly onto the skin or over clothing. It dries in about five to ten minutes. It can be painted on garments to make latex clothing! Take your favorite suit and, voila, you have a latex suit! Your sexiest bra can be transformed into a latex bra. You can make masks, gloves and just about anything you can conceive of. Liquid latex adds a whole new dimension to “fetish dressing” – because everyone’s a designer. (Sounds like a song, “Everyone’s a designer.”)

Since you don’t own any latex clothing, I suggest you just use liquid latex over some outfits and make your own latex wardrobe for the party. It is foolproof. And, it is a lot less expensive, and time consuming, than buying latex clothes from the fetish stores. A quart of liquid latex costs about twenty bucks and goes a long way. You can pick up a gallon for about sixty dollars and have enough latex for a bunch of parties. (To give you an idea of how much you will need, a quart will cover a full body, head-to-toe, with three coats)

Of course, if you want to throw caution to the wind and make a big splash at the club, paint it directly on your skin. Test a section of skin beforehand for any allergic reactions. (If the skin becomes red, swollen and/or irritated, gently remove the latex, wash up and just paint over your clothing!) But, if all systems are go, then paint it on with a foam paintbrush or foam roller (don’t use a bristle brush or cotton roller) and let it dry. Of course, with either clothing or your skin, one coat won’t suffice. You must usually apply three coats for complete coverage. 

The beauty of liquid latex is that virtually anything you do with it will be unique. You are not buying latex garb “off the rack.” Although liquid latex will shrink about 3-4% as it dries, it always fits – albeit a bit snuggly, which is perfect. That is the great thing about it – you don’t have to try on a gazillion latex items to find one that fits tight, but not too tight. Liquid latex does that every time, automatically!

In my humble opinion the best way for you to go is with liquid latex. It is economical. It gives you the ability to be your own designer. If you use it on your skin, you don’t have to clean it after use — you just throw it away. It is a one-use product. But the best reason of all to go with liquid latex is because it fits. And, it fits perfectly every time – guaranteed!

I would, however, do your latex adventure ASAP.  As with all fashion trends, they are soon yesterdays fad.  

About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Of all the questions I get here and in person, the most perplexing ones concern the lines between Dom/me and sub. With the (welcomed) influx of a new gereration of players, the old hard-and-fast rules no longer apply – unless you want them to! The following question illustrates this dilemma perfectlyu – so let’s go.

Reader: I met my fiancé online. We’re both switches, but right now I’m more comfortable as his slave. I want to control him, but I hold back for fear that I’ll cross the line between Mistress and plain old controlling bitch. I also fear I’ll go too far when punishing him. How can I break through this wall so we can take our play to that next level?

Whew!  Here’s my advice — if you’re gonna switch, switch!  Now, what do I mean by that? In most non-switching D/s couples, the Top is always the Top, the bottom is always the bottom.  You and your fiancé, on the other hand, are rather lucky. There are really no constraints on your play. Both of you can Top and/or bottom; thus, you have an enormous assortment of scenarios you can try out in your BDSM play.  Twice the variety can be twice the fun. If you and your fiancé are not into D/s ‘outside the dungeon,’ as I call it, there is really nothing to worry about. If this is the case with you, then the phrase ‘controlling bitch’ is irrelevant.  Controlling a scene is not being a bitch. When you Top, be as controlling as you like; other than negotiated play limits, simply go for it. Have a blast. As I said, if you’re gonna switch, switch! And don’t give it a second thought.

My feeling is that you should worry about being a “controlling bitch” only if you have a D/s relationship outside the dungeon.  Most switches who have such a D/s relationship tend to be either Dom/Domme or submissive – each partner takes one role. Any other way would be rather chaotic.  Are you Domme on Monday, Wednesday and Friday and submissive the other days of the week? Alternate weeks? Months with the letter “r” in them? (Then you could Domme him with oysters!) What if both want to be Dominant at the same time?  How do you decide? Roll the dice? Scrabble? Poker? Even those who do switch outside the bedroom, however, tend to have a predominant role orientation and then agree to switch for an allotted period of time. For example, they switch for a week every three months or so.  Nevertheless, most 24/7 D/s switch couples have a set hierarchy of some kind; if this is your case, you might want to check the word “bitch” at the door.  

As a Domme, you must understand the dynamics of a D/s relationship.  It is not only about punishment. It is not only about control. It is about maintaining a balance between reward and punishment, between control and understanding.  You can be a brutal Domme when you scene and not be a ‘controlling bitch’; but if you are a punishment-mad tyrant outside the dungeon, that title just might fit you.

The trick to keeping the “b” word (bitch) out and the “c” word (control) in lies in communication.  You must understand your submissive’s needs and your own. Since you are in control, you must understand how to make him serve you and also get pleasure in serving you.  To properly control and train a submissive, there must be both reward and punishment. Being in control does not mean being a despot. A good Mistress approaches her craft with a sense of balance and knows what techniques bring out the best in her submissive.  A good Domme can be severe and demanding without being a bitch.

What many people forget is that both partners in a D/s couple should get pleasure from their role – the submissive from serving, the Dominant from training the submissive to serve and controlling a lot of the action.  After all, we are all in this for pleasure and fun. So, if the phrase “controlling bitch” is how your submissive would describe you as his Domme, you are probably doing it wrong. (Unless he gets off on you being a controlling bitch!) 

Switching, like anything else, has both its difficulties and its rewards.  But if you can keep the “b” word out of the relationship part, you can take the play part to incredible levels.  And then, when you switch, you can really switch!  

About the Author
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.