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Can two switches collar each other?

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In my search for entertaining and unique questions, I have run across many that are ridiculous. But rarely have I encountered a question that initially hit me as joke material, but then, on closer examination, had some very serious elements buried within. The following question is cut from this mold. So, laugh and learn!

Reader: Can two switches collar each other? How would this process work with power exchange? After ten years together, my partner and I would like to make our commitment outwardly clear, but we’re unsure as to the steps for our specific combination. We’re new to the BDSM community, and so any advice you can give us will be greatly appreciated.

First of all, after you are finished laughing at two people collaring each other, let’s make a distinction between a play collar and a commitment collar.

In a play collar situation, the answer is pretty obvious. All you have to do is negotiate who is the Top and who is the bottom for the scene, and the Top puts the play collar on the bottom and the scene proceeds. Unless you want to switch in the middle of the scene – or at five-minute intervals – this will work out just fine. It is when you are considering a real (for want of a better term) collar – one that implies a D/s relationship – where a little more thought is required.

The key thing to remember is that, in this case, collaring means commitment.Of course, since collaring evolved out of the term “slave collar,” it does have D/s implications in it. But, to me, the commitment aspects seem far more critical than any Dominant/submissive facets of it. As all of our BDSM rituals are not strictly codified, and are loosely based on an oral tradition that dates back to the Old Guard Leather Societies, there are no hard and fast rules for collaring. Thus, I see no valid reason why the two of you cannot be collared to one another.

BDSM is a constantly evolving lifestyle. The question is how best to go about it.As I see it – and this is new territory for me — you should figure out a way to preserve the “slave collar” tradition and adapt it to your personal situation. And here is my suggestion. Try to figure out which of you is the more dominant partner. Surely, as switches, you do not switch exactly fifty percent of the time. (Possible, but unlikely.) In your life, there must be a hierarchy that gives one or the other a bit more dominance or a bit more submission. Or, you might want to see which of you is more dominant or submissive in play.

After ten year together, you should have a feel for the dynamics, no matter how subtle the distinction might be.Using either criterion, the more dominant partner can offer the more submissive one the collar. This keeps it within the basic D/s framework. And if you are contemplating a ceremony with lifestyle friends, they will be more concerned with the commitment part of the ceremony than the personal Dom/sub components of your relationship on a day-to-day basis.You might also find that having a contract — although in your case it would not be a typical “slave contract” — might add a bit of clarity to the breadth and scope of your BDSM relationship.

I am a big advocate of contracts; a contract would be a useful adjunct to your collaring. Besides, the negotiations involved with contracts can be incredibly enlightening.In general, my personal problem with collars is with the Velcro aspects of them, not the nuts and bolts of who is collaring whom. I see far too many collars that are shorter lived than a Hollywood marriage. I could care less if a collared couple does not maintain a D/s dynamic that is consistent.

Let them switch, let them have vanilla days. My concern is that the collar truly means commitment. And in your case, as a ten-year couple, it seems that you have the commitment thing down.So go out and have a great ceremony. There is nothing more beautiful than to see a collaring ceremony witnessed by lifestyle friends. Especially when you know that it is a truly meaningful collar.And in your case, it sure seems like this collar will be on your — or your partner’s — neck for a long time.

About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Bondage On A Budget

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As we emerge from our houses, apartments and even bunkers, we are hit by some confusing signals.  On the one hand we have a surge of optimism energizing us.  On the other hand, reality has been a harsh Captain; there is every chance we might face a shortage of Bondo-Dollars. Besides, even if the strict social distancing rules fade away, people might still be reluctant to go to their favorite dungeon wielding a flogger with .05 feet of Dungeon Distancing.  Thus buying bondage gear from the 99 Cents Store or from the Home Depot will enable you to have some fun stuff (a  technical term) and not worry much about it.  It ain’t a Sybian – but it’s a hell of a lot less bulky!  Here’s the question that inspired this answer!

Reader: Master and I are brainstorming on ways to equip a rental home for play. What if you have very little space? How can you have a fun play space without causing damages that violate the average lease?

First of all, there are dungeons and there are dungeons.  (It sounds better when you say it.)  The question is, how extensive do you want your dungeon to be?  Technically, any space with some rope, a couple of candles for atmosphere, a chair, a bed  (with a frame or headboard to attach the ropes to) and some stuff (blindfolds, cuffs, floggers, canes, crops, etc.) is a dungeon.  Impressing your fellow lifestylers notwithstanding, this is all you really need.  

The key to any home dungeon is being inventive.  Not only don’t you have to risk breaking your lease, you also don’t have to spend lots of money to make your play space wonderful.  For example, there are “Ninety-Nine Cents” type stores in every city.  Unbeknownst to them, they are the BDSM bargain basement of the Home Depot that we can all  talk1 about.   Here is just a partial list of dungeon supplies and toys available there; the enormity (love it!) of selection available at these places is impressive —

Spring-loaded paper clips  —  Budget nipple clamps! But wait, there’s more – for the genitalia too! 

Hairbrushes  —   Two devices in one!  Spanking on the flat side, light torture on the bristle side.

Rubber bands  —  The all-purpose BDSM toy.  Wrap around the nipple or better still….

Clothespins  —  Buy a hundred of ‘em for a buck and go to town.  They come in wood, plastic and in lots of sizes.  

Loofah sponges, sandpaper, steel wool, Scotchbrite —  These stores could be called “Abrasions ‘R Us!”

Spatulas  —  The slave can also use them to make breakfast.

Wooden spoons  — The slave can also use them to make soup.

Rolling pins  –  The slave can also use them to make a pie crust.

C-clamps –  Available in greater variety at the Home Depot.  But here you can save a buck or two!

Plastic locking pliers  —  My personal favorite.  Plastic knock-off of the metal version. this is a neat-o torture tool extraordinaire!

Pickle pinchers –  Pinch your pickles — or pinch your submissive. 

Funnels  —  Great for funnel play – or an oil change!

Cutting boards  —  The heavyweight paddle without the heavy price tag!  

Candles  —  Even when I have some extra cash, I always buy the dollar-store candles.  

Plastic curtain liners  —  These are great to put on your bed when you play with hot wax.  Use once and throw away.

Bottle brushes  —  Less than a buck for this true tool of terror!

Karabiners  —  These nifty devices are spring-loaded metal links that can be put together to form a chain of any length.   Simply awesome!

Baby pacifiers  –  Age play, humiliation, punishment…this is the toy of a thousand uses.  

Mousetraps  —  Apply gently.  Never snap them.  Also keeps your new dungeon rodent-free.

Rope  —  Rope is available at these stores; but go to Home Depot instead.

Generic “Icy Hot”  —  If you are an Icy Hot fan, you can save a couple of dollars by buying the generic here.  If you use a lot, it might pay!

Self-heating pads  —  These heating pads can be awesome when put on the right spot at the right time.  Here at the right price!

Feather dusters, toothbrushes, chamois cloths  —  Tickle, tickle little star!

Rubber gloves —  Useful in the kitchen, useful in the dungeon.

Alligator clips  —  All kinds of neat clips can be found here.  

Dungeon Supplies  —  Cotton swabs, disinfectant wipes, alcohol, band-aids, baby oil, betadine swabs and other generic pharmacy supplies line the shelves at these bargain stores.

Of course, you can always go elaborate and design St. Andrew’s Crosses and the like – but then you have the problem of property damage.  But between Home Depot and the “Under-A-Buck” joints, you can create a fun space – with no landlord worries!

And with COVID-19 lurking in the shadows, PUREL is a great “Hospital in a Bottle!!!

About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Sexual protection & latex allergies

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Since I have been pretty much bottled up during the COVID19 pandemic, I have not gone to my usual haunts to discuss questions.  So I have been going through my email bag to find oddball questions to hold our interest until the dungeons go back in real time.  So here goes:

Reader: My purring kitty is sore and swollen after sex. How can I have protected sex without letting my latex allergy interfere with my play time? Help!

The first question I would ask is why, specifically, you are using condoms?  Are you in a monogamous (or polyamorous kept within the partners) relationship and are using it solely for birth control?  Or are you using them to protect yourself from STD’s?  Or is it some combination of both?

If you are using it exclusively for birth control, then there are many other condom materials available other than latex.  Lambskin or any of the natural “skin” condoms, although ineffective against many virus-based STD’s, are a very effective barrier against sperm.  Polyurethane is also another non-latex condom material — but if you are using it for birth control you must be aware that they break rather easily. K eep in mind,, if you are using condoms primarily for birth control, there are many other ways to go besides condoms.  The birth control pill, the Depo Provera shot, female condoms, sponges, the birth control patch are all ways to prevent pregnancy that will avoid any latex allergy.  Furthermore, many who use condoms for birth control employ condoms with spermicidal lubricant pre-applied to them.  This might be the source of your allergy, not the latex.  More about finding out exactly what your allergy is later on.

If you are using condoms for protection against STD’s, then your options are narrower.  Polyurethane condoms work but break rather easily.  Latex condoms not only protects against STD’s, but also are quite tear resistant.  Even the most “sensitive” latex condoms break less often than polyurethane.  Thus, latex is the condom of choice when worn for disease prevention.

The symptom you report, “My purring kitty is sore and swollen after sex,” could be caused by many other things besides the latex condoms you use.  When one has an allergy, a doctor generally runs tests to determine exactly what the allergy is.  One can never assume what the cause is.  In your case, the problem can be anything sexual.  Big Bruno for one.   Or having rough sex with Big Bruno.  Or having sex without proper lubrication.  Or overly long sex sessions.  Any typical rapper could be the culprit.  (“I’ll sex you all night long ‘til you can’t walk no more!”)  Taking all these possibilities into account, and factoring in the fact that latex allergies are rare except in diabetics, I think that you should test to see if, in fact, you are allergic to latex.

Now this is going to sound more like an answer for a Sex Advisor column than a Ask Baadmaster reply, but what I would do (sly grin), is take a dildo that you know you are not allergic to and put different condoms on it.  Use ones with lubrication and those without.  Use different brands.  Try those with ribs, which can irritate you.  Maybe have your partner involved in in your search and call this “research.”  Be semi-scientific and take notes of your reaction to each type of condom.  (Can you get college credit for this?  Maybe not, but a government grant is definitely possible.)  Try every combination and you just might find that you are not, in fact, allergic to latex – that there is some other factor involved.  Or you might find a condom that causes a small amount of irritation that you can deal with.

There are literally hundreds of types of condoms currently being manufactured.  Colored ones, flavored ones, ribbed ones, lubricated ones, large ones and super-large ones.  (Condoms come in large, extra large and magnum sizes so that no one ever has to ask for a “small” condom!)  Odds are, after you try out a significant number of them, you will find ones that produce either no reaction or a relatively insignificant one.

Disclaimer: this article should not be considered as medical advice.  The author is not a medical professional, and any decisions regarding allergies, or the use of sexual protection should be based on the advice of a physician.

About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Ask Baadmaster

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I had written about medical play previously on kink weekly. But this question caught my eye as it is time to re-examine medical play in the light of the covid-19 pandemic. 

Reader: My Domme and I are interested in exploring medical play. We’ve read all about the safety aspects, but we’re curious about the types of different play out there and what your favorite is?

One of the great things about medical play is that you can make it as life-like as you desire.  For example, you can construct an “examination room” pretty easily.  Since medical play is basically role play (“Say ahhh…!”), it is really neat to have a good faux doctor’s office as your playroom.  

Making an examination table is simple enough.  Some white sheets on any old table will do.  If you wish to get elaborate, you can improvise some extensions and leg stirrups.  Once you stock a table with lots of medical stuff  – aspirin, bandages, alcohol, swabs, ahhh sticks, cotton balls, a thermometer (rectal preferably!), a prop prescription pad, etc. – you have the makings of a true “doctor’s office.”  And do not neglect lots of hand sanitizers.  Never before has sterility been so important in BDSM play.

Next step:  the white smock.  (Maybe you can get one at a Halloween close out!)  Put a nametag on it (Dr. Feelgood, perhaps?) and you are good to go.  Or get a nurses’ outfit if that is your scenario.

The fun in medical play is that the Dom/sub dynamic is built in.  The doctor is, by definition, the Top.  When a real life doctor says, “Get undressed,” or “Bend over and spread you cheeks,” you do as you are told.  This, of course, continues in BDSM medical role play – without the ethical constraints of the real-time doctor/patient relationship.  Here the “doctor” can examine you to his/her heart’s content without any restrictions — other than hard limits negotiated beforehand.  I believe this is one reason that medical play is so popular – even outside the BDSM world.

As to what is my fave, needle play is a personal favorite of mine. 

Needle play in a medical scene is a natural — although needle play is not solely done in medical scenes.  Often called “play piercings,” these are temporary, not permanent, piercings. 

In any medical scene with needles, your approach to sterility should mirror that of an actual doctor.  Sterility is essential, from the needles you buy to the play areas in your “office.”  When you buy your piercing needles, some medical supply houses offer ethylene oxide gas sterilization.  Ethylene oxide gas sterilization is an effective way — equivalent to autoclaving — to sterilize most medical play items.  All needles, scalpels, Wattenburg pinwheels, metal speculums, etc., should be sterilized using this method.  Once sterilized in this way, the items are sealed in plastic and are germ free until you use them  (Always use needles ONCE and throw them away as medical waste.)

Before you start your medical play-piercing session, wash your hands thoroughly with a hospital quality anti-bacterial soap.  (Seventy percent isopropyl alcohol is the CDC standard for anti-virus.)  Latex examination gloves should be placed on both hands immediately after washing.  The submissive’s skin should also be toweled with seventy percent isopropyl  alcohol wash to kill any residual skin bacteria and viruses.  You should have all these products on hand, neatly arranged on your medical table, so that the doctor role play and the sterility precautions you are taking merge seamlessly.  Here is a great area where real life and role play completely intersect.  As in any doctor/patient relationship, the “patient” should make sure that the “doctor” is as doctor-like as possible – or leave the office!

Although I might have gone overboard on sterility issues, keeping play germ-free is essential whenever medical scenes are being done – especially in this covid-19 world.  After all, if you go to a dirty doctor’s office, would you want him/her to examine you?  (Depends on what you mean by dirty!)  

Nevertheless, as sterility is so important nowadays, please don’t mind if I get a little annoyingly redundant. 

About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

 

Dating advice – my boyfriend is a voyeur

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With the corona virus destroying a lot of our fun time, I felt it would be neat to find a question that is entertaining.  And this one, about peeping Tomism and other perversions (or kinks as our website says!), seems to fit the bill. 

Reader: I’m a female submissive who’s just starting a new relationship. We knew each other as friends first, but now we’re serious. There’s one thing about him that troubles me… He likes to watch people playing and having sex. He’s watched me masturbate a lot, and now he wants to watch me play with other people. I guess it really turns him on… I’m not totally opposed to it, but I don’t get it. What does it mean about him? Is he a “Peeping Tom”? Why would he want to watch when he could play with me himself?

Since you chatted online with your Dom before meeting him, it can safely be assumed (although one should never assume) that you did not state that voyeurism was a hard limit. If, in fact, this is a hard limit and it wasn’t discussed, then you have a problem that I probably cannot solve. (This does happen, believe it or not, from time to time!) Had you discussed his serious voyeuristic needs, you could have stopped the relationship before it started had this disturbed you to the “I can never do it” level. That is why I always recommend serious discussion of your kinks early on. But, enough Monday morning quarterbacking; we have your predicament to solve.

You ask, “What does it mean about him?” The answer is, “absolutely nothing.” We are all captives of our deepest perversions; some of us act on them, others don’t. I find that most so-called “normal people” are usually those who hide their darkest fantasies from their partners. One of the best aspects of this lifestyles is the “say it loud, I’m a perv and I’m proud” approach. Basically, we should just accept each other’s consensual-adult kinks and not make any value judgments. The only conclusion that matters is whether your partner’s kink works for you or not. How he/she got there is fodder for a shrink; it is less about what it means in the cosmic scheme of things than what it means to your relationship. 

You state that there is one problem that bothers you. Not two. Not three. One. This bodes well for you; one problem is easier to fix than a bunch of them. The question to ask regarding this dilemma is, does it turn you on or off? Can you get into it? Does it change your attitude toward your prospective Master? Remember, if you are going to think long-term, you must be able to deal with your partner’s major kink. The reason people enter this lifestyle is to feed their perversions; if they wanted to change them to a vanilla norm they would not be here. Thus, you must accept the fact that “what you see is what you get.” Whether you call it voyeurism or Peeping Tom-ism, you can bet that this is what really turns your Dom on. If you can get into his very specific kinks, then all will likely be fine. 

I would not try to change him; trying to modify a Dom’s behavior is rarely an effective strategy for success. Since your relationship is new, although you call it “serious,” you are still in the negotiating stage. Thus, I would discuss some other areas that you might like to have fulfilled. After all, unless he is a bust-out total 24/7 voyeur, chances are there are other areas in BDSM that you both enjoy that don’t involve voyeurism. 

The oft-repeated cliché that relationships are about communication is oft-repeated because it is true. And, communication cuts both ways. He has told you of his voyeuristic kink. You should be able to open up and tell him your perversions. This is a great opportunity for both of you to explore fresh areas of play. If voyeurism is not a hard limit – and it appear it is not – then just go with it and see where it leads. You might find you love it. Just as your Dom might enjoy play that excites you. As the great Dominant, James Bond, said, “Never say never!” 

About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Humiliation scene ideas – Degrading words & phrases

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In this new hopefully temporary reality of “The Attack Of The Covids,” I have not been able to socialize, play and otherwise interact in the BDSM world. Then again, nobody else could. And although I could not get fresh questions, I had accumulated a bunch of questions.
For this week I have chosen a rather lightweight question. In the current state of affairs, I don’t think people want to think. Call this query kinkweekly light.
Reader: I’ve browsed the Internet but couldn’t find anything about BDSM and words — nasty words to be specific. I’m running out of words to degrade and humiliate my slave with! Please help.
Actually, what you are experiencing is to be expected. Eventually, you will run out of words and expressions with respect to any BDSM activity – let alone humiliation, which has a relatively small verbal arsenal to begin with. Sooner or later, you will find that you have to start repeating words. After all, there are just so many nasty, degrading words in the English language. Even if you add some of the following ten phrases to your verbal menu, thus expanding your vocabulary of degradation, you will still hit a wall if you constantly need fresh terminology.
  1. You worthless slutpig.
  2. You pitiful whore.
  3. You useless strumpet. (If you want to go Shakespearean on your slave!)
  4. You pathetic cunt.
  5. You deplorable hole.
  6. You awful, shameful POS (piece of shit.)
  7. You insignificant piece of rubbish.
  8. You unimportant, useless sack of shit.
  9. You disgraceful two-dollar whore.
  10. You execrable streetwalker.
Need more than just these ten? Just thumb through any thesaurus and you can come up with new and original degrading phrases. But only to a point. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but sooner or later, you will simply run out of words and phrases.
However, while you might exhaust your supply of humiliating expressions, if you are a real-time couple into humiliation play, you will never run out of ways to degrade your slave. (Before I continue, let me make it perfectly clear for our readers that humiliation play is exactly that – a specific type of BDSM play. It is in no way universal, or required, in a Master/slave relationship. And, as with all BDSM activities, it must be completely consensual with safe words.)
I have noticed that “baby” can be a term of affection, is also a popular term of degradation. If we go from the word “baby” to actual acts of humiliation involving infantilism, you can roleplay from today until doomsday and you won’t need a thesaurus to find synonyms for “baby” to keep your play fresh. For example, the use of baby pacifiers can expand your degradation palette in much greater ways than any new words or phrases can. Make your slave wear a baby pacifier, either in private or public, and you are now talking major humiliation! The range of degradation in baby play is staggering. It can go from forced baby talk all the way to wearing diapers. Thus, although you might run out of words, you surely won’t run out of ideas!
The same principle applies to just about any of the “big six” words – cunt, bitch, whore, slut, pig, baby. Let’s examine the word “whore.” Off the top of my head, I can only come up with about four terms that are somewhat equivalent — slut, hole, fuckpig and fuckhole. Not many. Again, once you add real-time roleplay into the mix, boredom and repetitiveness goes out the window. If your slave is a female, make her dress up as a streetwalker; if male, make him dress up as a transvestite hooker – in the house, at least for now. This is a virtual “Humiliations R Us!” You can keep this private or public, according to your preference. Or you can write the words “whore” and “slut” in marker on his/her body. This is major degradation – especially if you let others view your handiwork. The possibilities are endless.
If you are strictly into verbal humiliation, you must accept the fact that there will be times when your verbiage will become repetitive. Don’t beat yourself up over it. (Or, maybe, beat yourself up over it!) But once you expand your play into other forms of real-time humiliation, no matter how mild, you will find these limitations are immaterial.
On a life-and-death tip, let’s hope this national nightmare ends soon enough, Be safe.
About the Author
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

How to approach potential play partners as a switch

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With the onslaught of the coronavirus, I have not been able to go to my favorite California dungeons (Lair deSade, Sanctuary) and glean questions. Thus I am reaching into my e-mail bag to find some great queries. Here is one of them,

Reader: I’m new to BDSM.  I like the idea of having a sex slave, but I’d also be interested in subbing to the right person. How do I begin my BDSM journey? I’m not sure who to approach or how. Should I call myself a switch? Should I only contact switches for advice or play? I’m afraid if I identify as one thing or another I’ll piss someone off or get the wrong kind of info. 

First of all, don’t worry about pissing me off.  I love switches; most of our play partners are switches because I like Topping them and then watching them Top my slave.  

As far as starting your BDSM journey, you are correct in that you should not begin by pissing people off.  And the best way not to piss people off is to be honest with them.    Equally important, since this stage is about self-discovery, it is critically important that you be honest with yourself.

By your question, it is clear that you are unsure where you want to wind up.  It is hard for newbies to predict where they will land in the BDSM spectrum.  So, my first piece of advice is to follow BaadMaster’s patented three-step formula (sounds impressive, huh?) for finding out about where you lie in the BDSM continuum.

Get in touch with what you really want.  As I said, be honest with yourself. Clear your mind and think of what really turns you on – no matter how extreme it might be.  One way to find this out is to read to many of the articles here on kinkweekly. As they are written by many different authors, they will give you an idea of the range of play and will help you focus on what you want — and what you don’t want.  

Decide which among these fantasies you would actually do.  There is a difference between thinking something is exciting and actually doing it.  Thus, you must make a realistic appraisal of those activities that will attempt – and those you simply won’t do.

The intersection of one and two is where you should begin your BDSM journey.

For example, you already said that you want to own a sex slave.  Unless you only fantasize about it and won’t actually do it – for whatever reason – then it is time to explore this fantasy.  Tell any prospective play partner, straight up, that you are looking for a sex slave.  Don’t lie and say you are an experienced Dominant, but rather look for someone who is into learning with you.  You should also look for a Dom/me who might give you some real time experience in subbing.  The object is to find out not only what turns you on, but also what areas you have a natural aptitude for.

At this point, you are simply trying to learn; you should not concern yourself with labels. However, if one label does apply, it is newbie.  But fret not; everyone was a newbie once. Experience will teach you whether you are a Dom, sub or switch — not some abstract idea of what you want to be.  Besides, with all the dungeons closed, this is a good time to learn about BDSM.  At some point we will defeat this virus.

In the era that predated our current Internet age, there existed a group of loosely affiliated leather groups that came to be known as the Old Guard Leather Societies.  Although much is lost to history, legend is that they had a precept that “you cannot become a Master or a Top without having been a slave or a bottom.”  Either consciously or unconsciously, you are following that time-honored principle.  Since you are lucky enough to be able to both Top and bottom while you learn, this is a great way to go.  Whether you become a Dominant or a submissive, you will be better for it.  If you wind up a switch, you will be an experienced one.  Not a bad start, I must say!

Stay Safe.

 

About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

When a Dom makes mistakes during play

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A while ago (pre-coronavirus) I received this question –

Reader: I am a beginner Dominant and I keep on making BDSM mistakes.  Can you give me some pointers so I am more proficient in my BDSM?

In order to answer your question, I will concentrate on Internet BDSM mistakes that I, and friends, have made. Hopefully, after our virus nightmare ends, you can put these suggestions to good use.  (I also suggest you watch https://www.kinkweekly.com/photography/beginners-guide-bdsm-basics/ 

here on kinkweekly!)

Back to your question.   I will concentrate on Internet slipups as the Internet saccounts for a significant number of BDSM hookups – and slip ups!

So, here is my list of “Internet BDSM Blunders” – made not in the face of good advice but rather with a lack of any. Some of these might seem obvious. But if I had a dollar for everyone who ignored some obvious advice, with disastrous results, I would own the world!

Facetime.  Back in the day, “I don’t have a scanner” was the excuse du jour for the lack of a picture. A couple years later, “I don’t have a digital camera” became the buzzword of the faker generation. Now with Photoshop, anyone can lose twenty pounds and twenty years instantly. If you are starting to get serious and you are far away from each other, insist on the webcam/skype/facetime or any live face-to-face platform that is on every cellphone. And, when you finally meet, both of you will look 30% better than you did online. Guaranteed!

Get to real time meetings as quickly as possible.  This piece of advice is as valid today as it was back in the day. Spending an inordinate amount of time online without a face-to-face meeting is a risky strategy. (Unless your thing is online BDSM, which is a valid approach.) It is very easy to bond with someone you only know through emails, yahoo messenger, Skype, Tinder, Facebook, IG, Twitter, Fetlife, IM’s and even cellphoning. Each person can tell the other person what they want to hear, without the necessity of looking the other person in the eye. Obviously, if you are on a good track, meeting will only validate your judgments and speed up the whole process. But, if the relationship is built on a hidden incompatibility that only a real time meeting can uncover, you can spend time almost falling in love — only to have that shatter when you finally meet. 

 Give, and demand, honesty online. Not to suggest you play Sherlock Holmes, but a liar can be spotted very easily. If you spot major untruths or inconsistencies, the operational word should be “next!” This is one principle that has not changed — give, and demand, honesty no matter what platform you are using to communicate.

Fly the friendly skies.  Even if you are facetimeing, don’t use distance as an excuse to postpone a real time meeting. In-person is still more revealing than the webcam and bargain airline tickets are readily available. Ten years ago I attempted an LDR. But, I procrastinated our meeting, month after month. Finally, I got on a plane. We were totally incompatible! I should have scheduled a visit much sooner – and I would not have wasted all that time. Obviously, all this advice must wait until the pandemic is over.

“There’s a sucker born every minute!” I think P.T. Barnum must have had the Internet in mind when he coined that saying. Don’t take anything at face value; see how the whole picture is painted before you judge it. If we have learned anything about “fake news” this election cycle, it is that people can say anything online and it will be believed.

Don’t exaggerate.  Although we all exaggerate from time to time (weight, height, age, job experience?), it is very tempting to go for the home run online, via texting or with any communications app. It is especially appealing when the other person says, “I like Nipsey Hustle,” so you agree – even thought you hate hip-hop. Although that might not technically be “lying,” it should be kept to a minimum. Unless you are down with online, sexting, DM’s or any non-contactual (my word!) BDSM, exaggerations will eventually catch up to you when you meet.  

The Internet is a great tool for meeting people – people you might not ever have met in a million years pre-Internet. (Although I miss Blockbuster, an Internet victim.) But, as with any interpersonal medium, one should be cautious – but not paranoid. Hopefully, you can learn from my mistakes. Because I sure made a bunch of them!

About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               

 

Ask Baadmaster!

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Although this question was submitted to me before the current coronavirus crisis, I thought it would be very enlightening to answer it.  Since many of us are staying indoors and not going out as much, role-play is a great way to add spice and alleviate boredom. The question please —

Reader: My slave and I are really interested in role playing. But we’re not sure where to start. Got any kinky ideas for us?

Kinky ideas for you?  Have you these ideas already.  Sounds like Yoda, you say. But the little guy has a lot of wisdom.  Let’s see what results using the Y-man’s approach will render. (I am being a bit mysterious today, don’t you think?)

Role-play has virtually no limits.  Almost anything your mind can conceive of can be done in a role-play game.  The question is, where do you get these kinky ideas from? Where? From inside you,  In the vanilla world you have been taught to suppress your “dirty” thoughts, to forget your wet dreams, to stop having nasty fantasies.  I say, do the exact opposite. Keep a mental file of your wildest, nastiest, naughtiest thoughts and fantasies. And herein lie the concepts and scripts for the role-play games that will turn you on the most.

Ever thought about being a schoolteacher and keeping your student after school for punishment?  Done! With a willing submissive, you have an instant “student being kept after school” scene ready to go!  Add an improvised schoolroom desk and chair for authenticity and you are set to act out a long-held fantasy — one that you already had worked out in your mind many times before.

In the deepest recesses of your cranium, have you ever fantasized about being a doctor and examining a patient?  When you were in the vanilla world, I am sure — if you had these fantasies — they went unfulfilled. But you are here now.  So, it is time to scrounge around the house and find items that are medical-consistent – thermometers, bandages, etc. During this crisis, you might be reluctant to go to drug stores and browse for medical items.  But you can also use the Internet to order role-play items that get delivered to you. 

Now is the time to play out any fantasy that you have had.  The ole’ French maid fantasy has been a staple for years. Order a French maid’s outfit and go to town!  They are available on E-bay if you want to shop online.

Of course, you really don’t need costumes for role-play games.  But I feel they help to inject a dash of reality into what is essentially acting.  And actors always use props and costumes for authenticity. A pro Domme friend of mine has it right when she says, “changing into the appropriate costume helps to signify the change in role.”  A real stethoscope pays off big time when you are doing any medical role-play scenes.

The Yoda role-play principle really has no limits.  Don’t dismiss anything that you have ever thought of, fantasized about or have gotten excited over.  What if the concept of being a pony turns you on? You are not alone here. Pony play is a rather popular role-play scenario.  Many Dominants take it as far as buying display tack and actually training their “pony” to do exacting steps – just like show horses!  

Here at kinkweekly.com we have articles on lots of role-play games such as puppy play.  And interrogation. And baby play, And age play. Keep in mind that if you have a fantasy, no matter how outlandish, many others also have the same one as you do.  So, once you think of some fantasy role-play that turns you on, check to see if there is information on it. Chances are, there is. And do not forget that even though role-play might be physically benign, it can have psychological demands.  Thus, make sure you play with safe words.

But if your fantasy is so unique that there is no information on it – try it anyway.  Even if is as strange as ‘Commander and astronaut,’ ‘James Bond and a Bond-girl’ or ‘Man-In-Black and an alien’ — go for it!

About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

 

BDSM branding – what to know

By 3 Comments

The latest question I have gotten is a rather technical one: 

Reader:  “I have read many articles, both pro and con, about branding.  I can figure out what is best for me from a spiritual and personal perspective. What I would like is some technical advice so I know how to best choose a brander so  I am not left with an ugly scar.

First, to answer your query, you must decided if you want a “surface burn,” which fades in time or a “permanent branding,” which is – DUH – permanent. Since branding has not (yet?) become popular like piercing and tattooing where there are shops on every corner, like Starbucks, it can be daunting to find a good brander.  Thus, there is a skill level that must be evaluated before you hire a brander. So to help you out, here are some basics:

Branding, simply put, is burning the skin’s surface to make a mark. This mark can be either temporary or permanent. The temporary kind is often referred to as a “surface burn.” A skillfully done surface burn will usually begin to fade within a few months; after a year, the most that will remain is a residual redness – depending upon the skin type. Extreme masochists love this type of play, which has no shortage of pain.

Permanent branding is quite a bit more complicated than one would expect. Most experienced branders work in 316L stainless steel sheet metal and shape it into different parts of the brand. They build their designs using sequential “strikes” of thin metal pieces to make the complete brand. Heated by a propane torch, the temperature is critical. Too hot, you can injure muscle tissue or ruin the brand with too much scarification. Too little heat, the brand will look weak. And all the strikes must be applied with equal pressure and identical heat or an uneven brand will result. To properly brand a person takes a lot of skill; we are, after all, not cattle. And remember, the results are not as predictable as tattoos;  you must expect some unexpected results.  

Best to keep these paragraphs in mind and ask him/her how EXACTLY the brand is applied.  If they just say they heat copper wire, the word is NEXT!

Issues of skill aside, the major concern for most people is the permanence of the brand. “What if Master/Mistress were to release me and I have a brand on my butt?” This would seem to be a legitimate question. Since few things last forever, the real question should be, “Can I live with this mark if the relationship were to end?” Framed in this context, the decision seems to be simpler. If the mark is aesthetically pleasing and you think, were you to break up, that you can still wear your mark with pride, then branding just might make sense. On the other hand, if the relationship does last forever…wow!!!

This article is shorter than my usual one for kinkweekly.com.  Word count aside, you have come to the right place. Branding can be permanent and I cannot teach you how to brand or be branded in one article.  What I have done is to give you some guide lines to help you choose a skillful brander. And I have saved the most important piece of advice for last: 

Insist that any brander worth his/her salt  (of course, don’t put salt on the brand!) will come with a whole medical/first aid kit containing, at the very least, a topical antibiotic, a topical anesthetic, bandages and all manner of first aid. And he/she must, in an era of corona virus, be extremely insistent on sterility.  Keep this in mind: “A dirty brander should be an unemployed brander.”

I might add, that is this confusing time re. the corona virus, it might be wise to be extra sterile in every manner of BDSM play.  Better safe than sorry!

About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.